Here’s why I had to sit out from my junior season // ATHLETE TO ATHLETE episode 22

[00:00:03]Hi guys, welcome to Athlete to Athlete.

[00:00:06]I am so excited to have you here today.

[00:00:08]I know probably by this point you've watched a couple episodes of this podcast. Um but in real time reality, I'm actually filming this on April 27th, 2024 and um this is my first episode that I'm recording of this podcast ever. It's not going to be what goes out first, but it is the first one that I am actually sitting and recording and I'm a little geeked. I'm not going to lie. Um Did I buy a lot of stuff that I probably didn't need to be spending my money on?

[00:00:45]Yeah. Yeah, I did. But um anyways, in my actual first video that gets up posted, you probably you've probably already seen that by now. That I'll go over all my fun little gear, but right now in real time, this is like so surreal for me.

[00:01:03]Um the topic today is a more depressing one.

[00:01:09]Um so I just kind of want to preface that. And I will say trigger warning for this episode, I'm going to be talking about EDs, which can be a very um triggering topic for a lot of athletes, not ironically. So, I mean that's kind of why it's important to talk about. Um and this is something that I haven't really talked about much on YouTube at all. I haven't brought up anything about that. Um I might have hinted a little bit at it on my TikTok uh throughout the years, but for the most part um this is this is kind of um how I'm choosing to explain some things and also just spread awareness.

[00:02:01]Make um the struggles of student athletes known.

[00:02:06]Um and this is my experience. I have gotten so many requests on YouTube to do uh what I eat in a day as a student athlete. I get so many comments and I am telling you here that I will never make one of those videos.

[00:02:25]Um it's not something I foresee in my future.

[00:02:29]Um and I've kind of told people, "Oh, that's not something I'm really comfortable with right now." but people keep continuing to ask and I know that's something that people would like to see as I'm showing so many aspects of my life as an athlete. Um but I'm not doing it. And this video is going to explain why that is. I am choosing to record this today because as I said, it's currently April 27th. Um Penn Relays was this weekend and I missed it.

[00:03:01]Um because I was told by doctors that I had to sit out for the remainder of my season.

[00:03:10]The day before I was supposed to leave for Penn Relays.

[00:03:12]Um also Chloe's birthday. I was told this.

[00:03:15]It was just terrible. So devastating.

[00:03:20]Um and I was not expecting it at all. Um I had a concussion this season um which made me have to sit out of Texas Relays.

[00:03:32]So I was going into this meeting with the the doctor thinking it was going to be like a check-in from my concussion, but it was not at all.

[00:03:44]Um they were pulling me because um of under-fueling and suspecting that I was underweight. Um and I am currently not allowed to run or compete. I'm allowed to lift, but that's it right now.

[00:04:03]Um this isn't something that's new for me.

[00:04:06]And so, I'm kind of going to go all the way back and talk about this.

[00:04:11]It's no secret that I am smaller than a lot of other sprinters, hurdlers.

[00:04:19]Um and I know that. And if anything, I'm pretty insecure about that. Um people never fail to point it out that I'm so small and whatever. And I'm like, "Do you know what I would give?"

[00:04:33]I I would love to be as muscular and as strong as some of my teammates. It doesn't feel good knowing that I look different than all of them. And it doesn't feel good going in the weight room and lifting significantly lighter than all of my teammates. It's pretty discouraging.

[00:04:56]And you know, part of that is just my figure. And another part of that is my struggle.

[00:05:02]Something to put out there that I I I want more of a sprinter physique. I would love to have that. It's just not me.

[00:05:12]Um so, this goes all the way back to um like elementary school, childhood for me.

[00:05:25]Um I've always been kind of just like a picky eater growing up.

[00:05:31]Um my parents and my family was just like, "Oh, McKenzie's just a picky eater." which I I was.

[00:05:38]However, now I kind of realize that there are not too many foods that I don't like.

[00:05:45]I just have problems. Anyways, um uh so to start things off, I'm going to kind of do a double whammy here.

[00:05:58]Um well, I also have struggles um with eating.

[00:06:02]Um I have a severe phobia of throw up and it's called emetophobia.

[00:06:11]Um I honestly I want to say like I feel like this is kind of common or could just be that I've been on the right side of Tik Tok and I've seen so many people posting about it. Um but and mine's not like I'll say I have a fear of throwing up and people are like, "Oh yeah, no, me too." Like I like when I get sick like whatever. No. Me, if I see someone throw up I'm going to have a panic attack. If I feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm going to have a panic attack. I used to not be able to say throw up and my friends would not say it around me and they would like correct themselves and say getting sick. It's I I everything about it makes me so so anxious.

[00:06:53]Um and I don't fully know why, but you know, we've all got our things and that is that is my thing. If I, you know, and that's a very unfortunate fear to have when you're a track athlete, I'd like to say because these workouts are like no other sport.

[00:07:12]You are literally trying to push yourself beyond all limits in practice and that often results in people getting sick at practice. I we all have those teammates that are getting sick every single practice. Get a grip.

[00:07:26]I'm sorry. Get a grip. All right, like I understand, but every every practice Anyways, I'm sorry. I I know some people have problems with that, but me personally I have a problem with your problems. So get it in check. Anyways.

[00:07:43]Um The funny thing is I haven't thrown up since I think I was like I don't even know. Eight?

[00:07:54]Like it's been forever. And people have al- always asked like, "Oh, have you like gotten sick in a workout?" I'm like, "No. I have never gotten sick in a workout." Cuz I'm strong.

[00:08:06]I am strong. Don't get me wrong. But like I just that is not happened to me.

[00:08:11]I've had times when I feel like I'm going to get sick. And in that moment I need to stop for a second cuz I'm having a panic attack um and try and calm down.

[00:08:21]Um So that's something that's definitely affected me in my track workouts. If I'm having a particularly anxious day um and then I feel like I'm going to get sick.

[00:08:34]It's hard because I really genuinely am someone that works so so hard as a track athlete and I will push myself through all kinds of discomfort.

[00:08:48]And I'll go through some really really hard workouts and I'll be totally fine.

[00:08:54]But if I just get like a little glimpse of anxiety in a moment I lose it and I start having a panic attack and I feel like I can't breathe.

[00:09:05]I feel like I like start gagging. I need I need something to cool me down. I I need space. I don't even know. It can It just gets pretty ugly pretty quick.

[00:09:16]I've had this happen to me um at meets unfortunately.

[00:09:22]Um and also at practice.

[00:09:28]And my teammates I just want to add in here. I have the best teammates and the best coaches because everyone knows how hard I work.

[00:09:39]And also knows how big of a struggle this is for me.

[00:09:42]So, if I'm ever experiencing something like that, people know what to do and know how to help me.

[00:09:50]Um also like if someone on my team is getting sick, all of my teammates, instead of consoling the person that is literally getting sick, are so nice enough so nice as to console me and tell me to walk away, tell like distract me, something so that I don't notice what's going on.

[00:10:11]And I love them all for that. And you know, it means a lot to have that kind of support system that knows that you know, this isn't like a stupid little like, oh yeah, no, I don't like throw up. I I am not I'm just it just doesn't work for me. So, that happens on the track for me.

[00:10:36]Um but that phobia carries over to some different areas of my life.

[00:10:43]Um so, here's where I'll say, um I I have an eating disorder and it is called ARFID. It's not what you typically think of when you think of an eating disorder. I feel like people's minds usually go to like anorexia, bulimia, things like that. Obviously, I'm not bulimic, clearly, with what I just talked about.

[00:11:09]But, um you know, with those eating disorders, it's really like you want to be skinnier, you want like some control in your life and you restrict food.

[00:11:26]That's not the case for me. As I've been telling you guys, I hate how small I am. It makes me very insecure. I don't like that someone looks at me and is like, "Oh, she's a distance runner."

[00:11:39]And I have to be like, "No, I'm a 400 m hurdler, actually."

[00:11:43]And um yeah, I think I just I know I'm not, but to people on the outside, I feel like I look really weak, and I don't like that.

[00:11:57]So, all that to say, I would love to weigh 20 more pounds naturally and have muscle and all these things.

[00:12:09]I don't.

[00:12:11]So, for me, um ARFID, what ARFID is is an abbreviation for avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder.

[00:12:22]Um and this could be for a variety of reasons. To me, I feel like ARFID is just kind of an umbrella of a category for disordered eating that doesn't really fit the criteria of the other like mainstream eating disorders.

[00:12:37]Um because people can have disordered eating habits without falling into those main categories that people talk about, and I don't think that's discussed enough.

[00:12:47]Because people will be like, "Oh, I'm not anorexic because I don't think this."

[00:12:52]But if you're restricting how much food you intake, that's disordered eating, and that's a problem.

[00:13:00]Um so, that's been me my whole life.

[00:13:06]I Well, let me let me say some more about ARFID first. Um people can have this associated with like different things. For a lot of people, it's textures of food that they don't like. Um or just certain just certain factors that cause them to limit how much food they intake.

[00:13:27]That's really just pretty much in general what ARFID is. And a lot of times it has to do with certain kinds of foods, being really picky about certain foods.

[00:13:39]Um So, for me my whole life, right, I've been like this picky eater. Um It's so funny because well, it's not funny. It's not funny at all. But like looking back um in high school and um middle school I would eat like the same thing for lunch every single day.

[00:14:04]For those 3 years in middle school and those 4 years in high school. And they weren't good meals. I but I didn't like to switch it up.

[00:14:12]Which you know, also is a little bit of OCD. But anyways, um in middle school I would have grapes and cheese with my little toothpick.

[00:14:23]And I don't know what as a side.

[00:14:25]Maybe like pretzels. And then um in high school I had um pita bread and hummus every day for 4 years.

[00:14:33]Um Yeah. So, there were things that I liked. I didn't like to switch it up.

[00:14:41]And those were just things I was comfortable with, comfortable with eating.

[00:14:46]Um So, for me my ARFID really comes into play with my phobia of throwing up. Um I get nervous when I feel full.

[00:14:59]Because to me fullness equals an upset stomach and an upset stomach equals I'm going to get sick.

[00:15:06]And I don't want that. So, a lot of the times uh growing up and now um I don't eat to fullness because it scares me.

[00:15:19]Um even though it's ridiculous.

[00:15:23]And obviously I know just by eating a sandwich or whatever, I'm not going to get sick, but that's the funny thing about eating disorders is they trick you.

[00:15:32]And um yeah, so for a lot of my life I've been underweight because of this problem.

[00:15:46]You know, my family knew that there was some work that had to be done when I was in high school.

[00:15:53]Um and I talked to a nutritionist for a little bit and a therapist, but then COVID happened. So it was kind of like, okay, let's we have bigger things to worry about. Um but yeah, so I really only talked about it for a little bit and that's when I was diagnosed with ARFID.

[00:16:11]Um but then, you know, we forgot or just moved on.

[00:16:17]And that was my junior year of high school.

[00:16:20]And then I committed for college um and I came to Pitt and I was so excited to be on college campus, meet my teammates, get started with practice. So when I first got here on campus, um I honestly I think I was here for a couple days.

[00:16:46]I don't even I don't know. It was within the same week that I arrived. I think I moved in. I had a day, maybe two, to just explore with my roommates. And then the next day I had to report for my physical, like just evaluate, you know, height, weight, standard medical things as an incoming freshman so that they can have that on my record with athletics.

[00:17:14]Um and you know, and that's and you repeat that every single year. Um, but it was more crucial that first year as a freshman because they needed to learn everything about me and my health. Um, so, yeah. I go in for that.

[00:17:32]And I'm expecting it's just going to be a quick in and out.

[00:17:35]I'm realizing I never said what this video is.

[00:17:44]I'm going to cut a clip of me saying what this video is and put it at the beginning and you guys are just going to like know that just know that that happened right now. Anyways, so I go into this physical and I'm really expecting just be quick in and out like my other two roommates were.

[00:18:01]Not me.

[00:18:02]They get my height and I step on the scale.

[00:18:06]I I'm not going to say numbers cuz that's just whole 'nother level of too much. Um, but um, my weight was very low.

[00:18:20]But it wasn't shocking to me. This is the weight I've been my whole life. I'm like, okay, cool.

[00:18:26]So I move on from that part of the physical.

[00:18:29]And they have me go sit in the office to wait for the physician.

[00:18:34]Um, which everyone had been doing, but I'm sitting there and I'm noticing that it's taking a minute for the physician to come talk to me.

[00:18:45]Ugh.

[00:18:45]>> [sighs and gasps] >> This woman I will talk about down the line when I write my book. Trust I'm writing a book.

[00:18:56]Um, right now I'm just going to call her doctor.

[00:18:59]Um, and doctor is terrible at delivering news to people. Just absolutely terrible.

[00:19:07]Um, so you know, I'm sitting there and getting a little worried. She comes in the office and very bluntly tells me that I am the most underweight athlete she has ever seen at Pitt.

[00:19:25]That she just got off the phone with other physicians at ACC schools and they all said, "Oh gosh, I don't know what to do.

[00:19:33]She's the most underweight athlete in the ACC."

[00:19:37]Um and she's saying that I won't be able to run and I need to sit out and she's worried I could have heart failure because I'm so underweight. Da da da da da da all these things.

[00:19:53]I know I'm not going to have heart failure because this is how I've been my whole life and I have been able to compete and run and excel at it in high school. Does that mean it was safe? No.

[00:20:04]But I was Anyways.

[00:20:08]Anyways, so I was really underweight. She's saying all these things. I'm sobbing because I'm just I I just got here 2 days ago and you're telling me I'm going to die?

[00:20:17]Oh my god, it was the worst moment of my life.

[00:20:25]And she's telling me that I need to go to um a psychiatric hospital and my trainer who I just met that day was going to go and take me there and wait with me.

[00:20:41]Um and she was telling me, you know, if I resisted that there were going to be problems. And I'm like, I'm I haven't said anything. I'm sitting here sobbing.

[00:20:50]I'm like, resist the hell? Like, I'll do whatever you say, like So yeah. Um and I'm like, can I call my parents? So I get on the phone with my parents and I'm in there and this woman is saying, "Oh, Mackenzie could We're worried about her heart failure.

[00:21:09]We need to do do do do all this stuff."

[00:21:10]My dad is like, "Hold on. Hold on. First of all, you're scaring my daughter. So, I'm going to need you to take it down several notches." You can just hear me sobbing in the background. Like, "I'm I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm a little freshman 5 hours from home, sitting in this office, just was told I have to go to a psychiatric hospital and that I can't run. And I'm thinking, "What on Earth?"

[00:21:39]Um Anyways, so I get escorted to this hospital.

[00:21:45]Um I'm texting Cleo like, "Hey, don't wait up." I just met like me and Cleo just like really met 2 days ago, for real. So, I'm saying, "Hey, don't wait up. Like, they're sending me to the psychiatric hospital." [laughter] She's like, "Huh?"

[00:22:00]"What?" And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah. I I don't know how long I'll be, so like just like go home."

[00:22:06]5 hours.

[00:22:08]I was in there for 5 hours.

[00:22:11]Um I walked down there and you know, there's so many protocols when you go to a psychiatric hospital.

[00:22:21]You can't take your phone in.

[00:22:22]Um parts of your clothes you can't wear.

[00:22:26]Like, I was so proud of my outfit that day, too. I looked so cute. I had these cute little shorts on, but I thrifted them, so they were a little big and I needed a belt. Um and then I had a tank top and this cute little head scarf.

[00:22:39]I had to give them my head scarf, give them my belt.

[00:22:44]So, my pants like were sagging. Like, I had to hold my pants up. And I'm pretty sure I had to give them my shoelaces or they just had to check my shoes. I don't remember. And then they had my phone. I don't know if I said that. Um So, I'm Anyways, that was one of the most like dehumanizing experiences of my life.

[00:23:07]Um You know, they did like tests on me in there, which all came back fine.

[00:23:15]Um and then I got let out of there, you know, whatever. That was that.

[00:23:21]And basically I was told that I had to gain 10 lbs um in order to run again.

[00:23:33]And at this point I'm thinking that's impossible because I the weight I was I've been my whole life and I've made attempts to get to do better with my nutrition and gain weight, but that was always what? Like maybe a pound and then it would go back. Like I just really was like this is impossible.

[00:23:56]I'm not going to be able to do it. My trainer's like, "Oh, no, like you it's" I'm like, "No, you don't know me though.

[00:24:01]This is I genuinely thought um I was sitting there in the hospital and I'm thinking, "Okay, I you can't run track anymore.

[00:24:13]Or I can't stay here.

[00:24:15]Um but obviously if other ACC schools are talking about me, no one's going to let me run. So I was like I can't run anymore.

[00:24:22]But if I can't run, that means I'm not on scholarship here, so I can't stay here, so I need to go somewhere else.

[00:24:28]Um I was like it's schools already like starting, um where am I going to go? I'm thinking the worst. I'm like, "Okay, I got to call it quits. It was fun two days of college, well lasted, but I'm out."

[00:24:42]>> [laughter] >> Um Anyways, those were very I ended up gaining the weight, obviously, cuz you guys have seen me running.

[00:24:53]But it took uh two months.

[00:24:55]Um so all of conditioning I was sitting out doing nothing but school and eating and getting weighed every single week.

[00:25:04]Meeting with a nutritionist, psychiatrist, psychologist physician every single week.

[00:25:11]Um, and then eventually I was cleared.

[00:25:14]And it was awesome.

[00:25:16]And I got to practice with the team.

[00:25:18]And I was thrown to the wolves.

[00:25:23]And tried to just compete. Cuz why not?

[00:25:27]I'm I'm cleared. Let's compete.

[00:25:31]That didn't work because I never in my life have weighed what I weighed.

[00:25:37]And I was learning how to run with 10 extra pounds on my body. No matter how much I thought I was in shape, I just couldn't do it that fast. So I was really just set up for failure.

[00:25:50]Um, and my freshman year should have redshirted. Didn't cuz I was stubborn.

[00:25:54]And it was terrible.

[00:25:59]Um, after my freshman year I went home, worked with, you know, my coach and my family and I was able to kind of reset more, get in shape while maintaining that weight and that set me off set me up great for sophomore year. And I was good nutrition-wise, um, weight-wise and performance-wise. I improved. I had a good year.

[00:26:24]Fast forward to where I'm at now.

[00:26:27]Um, I have been doing good.

[00:26:35]Uh, like all fall semester, a little bit into spring semester.

[00:26:41]Then I get to outdoor no, indoor ACCs.

[00:26:46]And I made a mistake.

[00:26:48]Um, I don't like when we compete late in the evening, which for some reason they love doing college.

[00:26:57]So, I had my 800 for indoor, um and we were racing at 7:00 p.m.

[00:27:04]I don't like racing in the evening because that means I'm going to have to plan breakfast, lunch, and some more because if I race at noon, I can just get up, have breakfast, a snack, and I'm good to go. I have to make sure I'm fueling the entire day.

[00:27:21]And non- pe- people that don't have the ex- like experience with food that I do struggle to eat on race day cuz it's nerve-wracking and you're just just like, "Oh, no, I I don't I don't want to eat all that, you know?"

[00:27:35]But, for me and like my history and just the way I'm built I can't really afford that.

[00:27:45]Um so that day I thought I ate enough. I really did.

[00:27:55]But, I got on the line and I had no energy. I was able to keep up with the pack for two laps and then I fell off and I fell off hard.

[00:28:09]And I should have stepped off the track.

[00:28:11]But, I'm running and I can't figure out I was like, "Am I just giving up? Like, why am I falling so far behind?" I at the beginning of the season, I ran a 2:13.

[00:28:21]My PR is 2:11. I would I was like, "I am a sub-2:10 runner. That's going to happen today."

[00:28:29]I jogged, walked honestly, across the line in 2:20 something.

[00:28:37]I haven't run 2:20 since I don't even I started running the 800. Like, I And, you know, Coach Webb when I came off the line was telling me you know like you know it's okay this isn't you something is going on obviously we'll figure it out but I'm just like I don't know coach I really don't know.

[00:29:02]I was able to do some self-reflection and also help from my coach at home who knows me and my eating habits from high school was able to tell me you were clearly in a calorie deficit you had no energy and that showed on the track and I was able to realize that that's what happened um but unfortunately instead of that being kind of a wake-up call to fix that moving forward things kind of got worse from there um because I hadn't been really aware to that extent of my eating habits for a little while because I've been fine but once that situation happened I became hyper aware of what I ate again and it became harder for me to do I have been struggling probably for the past little while um with nutrition and you know I had taken the steps to get it figured out I reached out to my nutritionist we got a new therapist talking to people I'm doing what I have to do fast forward to the last race I competed in was Virginia and I am running the 400 hurdles outdoor by this point I haven't had a great race yet this season I haven't had a good race um season opener season opener it's going to be what it's going to be then I got hurt couldn't run at Texas then next meet it was you know I long story I needed to change my race plan but I hadn't practiced it yet so I did the old race plan and it didn't work, whatever.

[00:30:45]I was like, okay, we good. Fix it for Virginia.

[00:30:49]Virginia, I thought I was doing enough to eat and I did not at all.

[00:31:00]Um I was about to run.

[00:31:05]I was, you know, trying to keep my energy up during warm-up but I got to like the clerking station before walking out to the track for my race and I sat down for a second to conserve my energy and I realized that I couldn't feel two of my fingers on both my hands.

[00:31:29]It's like that.

[00:31:31]That's weird.

[00:31:32]That's suspicious.

[00:31:34]I also stood up after sitting down and I was dizzy.

[00:31:40]And then I realized, I was like, man, I have gotten through the whole day not being anxious or nervous about my race.

[00:31:51]And I was like, that's funny cuz a little bit of nerves are necessary and good. A lot, no, it's debilitating but you need enough some to that contributes to adrenaline and like just competition.

[00:32:04]I didn't have any.

[00:32:07]And that's kind of when it clicked in my head.

[00:32:10]You don't have the energy to be nervous right now.

[00:32:13]You don't have the energy for any of this.

[00:32:17]But I was still a little bit in denial.

[00:32:20]So I got on the line still. Got on the blocks.

[00:32:23]Gun goes off and then that's when it hits me and I'm like, this isn't going to work.

[00:32:30]I get to the first hurdle and I had to like reach for it. I just could feel from the gun that I had nothing to give and I should have just walked off the track once again like I should have for outdoor ACCs or indoor.

[00:32:46]But that's not what you're thinking in that moment. You're just thinking I don't even know what I was thinking.

[00:32:53]I was just watching everyone leave me.

[00:32:58]And I was like this sucks.

[00:33:02]But I had no energy to push myself harder to do any of that.

[00:33:10]And I like walked across the line in 105.

[00:33:15]And I was humiliated by that performance.

[00:33:18]But I was like, okay, that I know what happened. I didn't feel right. I just need to fix it.

[00:33:26]Cuz I had been doing well my other meets this year that weren't indoor ACCs and that one. I had been doing well.

[00:33:33]And I had that energy perform.

[00:33:36]I didn't that day.

[00:33:38]Um and I told my coaches that that's what happened so that cuz when you do that far of a performance off of your best, you need to give an explanation to your coaches. You just it it can't it can't just be, you know, I hit a hurdle a little bit or I I had an off day. No, you that was bull.

[00:34:01]What did you just do?

[00:34:03]And I had to say I didn't eat enough.

[00:34:07]Which has happened to other athletes on the team.

[00:34:11]You know, sometimes you don't eat enough, you have a bad race. Happened to a few people at that meet.

[00:34:16]But I'm the one with the history of an eating disorder. So red flag, red flag, red flag.

[00:34:23]Anyways, I confide in people on staff um cuz I wanted help with fueling for meet days and things like that so that that doesn't happen again.

[00:34:36]Um and I'm thinking, "Okay, uh just work with these people, figure it out, and then come next race, I'll be ready." My athletic trainer tells me that doctor wants to talk to me the day before we leave for we're going to leave for Penn Relays.

[00:34:56]Um so I'm like, "Okay, this is kind of random, but I'm thinking, I mean, I had a concussion a couple weeks ago, so she wants to check back in, make sure everything's all right."

[00:35:07]I'm like, "Okay, cool." So I go up to the field house, wait to meet with her.

[00:35:17]And I was completely thrown off guard when I sat down and she told me that she was pulling me because um people on staff are concerned about me and um and uh yeah, she didn't think it was safe to let me run anymore and she didn't think that I looked well, but whatever. Um sorry, I'm still a little bit in denial about all of this. This this all just happened 4 days ago. So this is being uploaded a while after, but at this moment in time, I'm still processing everything.

[00:36:08]Um yeah, so she told me that I wasn't going to be able to run anymore for a little while.

[00:36:20]And then she made me get weighed again, which was very triggering.

[00:36:24]It has all been a mess since.

[00:36:28]Because right now I am not allowed to run.

[00:36:34]I'm not allowed to, you know, travel with my teammates, compete.

[00:36:40]And I really thought that this year was going to be my year athletically.

[00:36:47]But that's all been ruined because of my disordered eating habits.

[00:36:55]Struggling with eating is a very real experience.

[00:36:59]It's something that a lot of athletes, especially, experience, especially female athletes. And it it's it's it's not easy to just get over that, you know, cuz I've struggled with this my whole life, as I've said, and then, you know, we fixed it my freshman year and I gained the weight.

[00:37:19]Eating disorders don't go away.

[00:37:22]They kind of just get put in your back pocket.

[00:37:25]And they can flare up again, just like anxiety can flare up, things like that.

[00:37:29]I'm going to work with people to help me and to try and fix these things throughout my life, but it's something I'm always going to live with.

[00:37:40]Just like I'm always going to live with anxiety.

[00:37:43]I'm saying all this and I wanted I wanted to share this story with you guys eventually, and I'll probably make a more No, I will be making a more in-depth version of my story when I write a book, because I I have lived enough lives at this point in my college experience that a novel should be written.

[00:38:07]But I wanted to tell you guys about this and about, you know, what's going on in my life, cuz I think it brings more humanity to watching just a content creator on the screen.

[00:38:22]Um, you know, I show all kinds of parts of my life as a student athlete, but not this. This is a very real part of my life, though, and it's something that is a part of me every day. And um, it affects me a lot. And so, I wanted to let you guys in on that, to provide some sort of an explanation for why these dips happen for me.

[00:38:52]Um, and also so that hopefully, if someone out there struggles with similar things, they're able to resonate with this. Because people can often feel alone when they have feelings like this, because you know, it in one part of my mind, I struggle with things, and another part of my mind, I'm like, "How stupid is this?

[00:39:16]I struggle eating because I'm scared I'm going to throw up. This is This is insane."

[00:39:23]But if it was really that easy to fix, it would be fixed.

[00:39:28]It's not easy.

[00:39:30]And if you struggle with something similar, know that you're not alone.

[00:39:35]There are people there to help you. I am here to listen.

[00:39:39]And you are not any less of an athlete because you have struggles.

[00:39:46]No one is infallible. There's always something that someone struggles with as an athlete.

[00:39:52]Some most people more than one thing.

[00:39:56]So many things that you have to deal with as athletes, student athletes at that. You know, it can feel like it's not fair, and it's stupid, and all these things.

[00:40:06]But it happens.

[00:40:10]And it's important to recognize when those things happen, and to ask for help.

[00:40:16]I've I've had a lot of anger the past couple days because I confided in people about my help with nutrition and it felt like people turned on me and you know, sold me out to doctor and now I'm pulled and I'm just I've been mad cuz it's like oh, I thought I could trust people and I was mad at them for taking my season away.

[00:40:46]I am mad.

[00:40:48]I I am. I've I'm going through a lot of emotions right now.

[00:40:54]All that to say, yes, I'm mad at people for taking me out. I'm mad at people for things, but at the end of the day I should be mad at Arfid rather than them.

[00:41:08]Um so really try even though you might be mad to still understand where people are coming from in these decisions when they're just trying to look out for you.

[00:41:25]Some people some people might be out to get you.

[00:41:28]Anyways, all I'm going to say. So that is a long story that all ties into why I will not be posting a what I eat in the life video.

[00:41:42]I am not someone qualified to be giving that advice to anyone.

[00:41:47]People I and I don't I don't condone diet culture at all or you know, oh, I want to see a day in the what you eat in the life videos.

[00:41:58]You're not me.

[00:42:00]Everyone has different metabolisms.

[00:42:02]People are just different sizes in general.

[00:42:05]People have different needs. People do different sports.

[00:42:09]Like food is not a one-size-fits-all.

[00:42:16]So, I I haven't had any desire to make a video like that because what I I don't I know I'm not an example you should lead in that a that an example to be followed in that area.

[00:42:31]I I am probably the least qualified person right now. I'm literally sitting out of exercise because of lack of nutrition.

[00:42:40]I am the last last person that should be making a video about what I eat in the life in day in the life.

[00:42:46]A lot of people when they go through um disordered eating, they come out of it and develop a new love for food and like cooking and grow a passion for it.

[00:43:02]I would love that to be me.

[00:43:04]It's not something I can see right now because of where I'm at.

[00:43:08]If that were to happen down the line, that'd be great because I can't cook and I'd like to know how to cook cuz it would make this a lot easier if I knew how to do it.

[00:43:16]Um but if that were to somehow happen down the line, maybe I'd revisit the idea of making a video like that.

[00:43:26]But I just wanted to be honest with you guys and tell you that video is not going to happen.

[00:43:33]Stop asking for it. I have a lot of triggers around food.

[00:43:38]And it's not the kind of content that I want to be putting out. Thank you for understanding that.

[00:43:45]And I know I'm probably still going to get those comments cuz not everyone's going to watch this video.

[00:43:50]Um I'm going to be ignoring those comments from now on because I said my peace.

[00:43:57]I'm not going to respond to every single comment giving a reason why I'm not making a what I eat in a day video.

[00:44:05]Um but if you watch this video, if you listened, then you know the truth. You know why everything is the way it is and why that video is not happening.

[00:44:17]So, thank you for taking the time to hear me out.

[00:44:21]I know this was different content than usual.

[00:44:25]Um, but something that I really wanted to do with making this podcast is bring humanity to yourself as an athlete.

[00:44:39]You're not invincible.

[00:44:41]It There's so much that goes into being a student athlete that's not that's isn't school and your sport. And people will have struggles going through these things and I think that's something that we should talk about more.

[00:44:56]And that's why I'm telling you guys and I'm talking to you guys about this because this is very real. This is something I struggle with and I know this is something a lot of female athletes struggle with.

[00:45:08]So, I'm being real and I want you guys to know that side of me as well because I don't want to just give off the impression that everything's always good, happy, me and my team having fun at meets, having fun at practice. That's not all what it is.

[00:45:24]This is hard. Life is hard. Being a student athlete is hard.

[00:45:29]And that's the truth. So, I hope you guys enjoyed this video.

[00:45:36]>> [laughter] >> This was such a depressing topic. I hope you enjoyed. Like and subscribe.

[00:45:41]>> [laughter] >> But, I I, you know, I did share a lot. I was definitely vulnerable in this video, so please be nice. Please think before you speak to people because people are going through things that you don't even know about.

[00:45:55]Um, but I I do appreciate you watching and listening the whole way through this video.

[00:46:02]Um Jose, you're real real supporter and I appreciate you.

[00:46:08]Like I said, this is the first podcast episode I'm recording.

[00:46:13]I know it's uploaded much later, but I'm so excited and I had a lot of fun even though it's a sad topic.

[00:46:20]And um sorry if the quality and the audio isn't great cuz this is my first try.

[00:46:26]So, I hope I hope I hope it was good cuz I'm not redoing this. I can't redo all this.

[00:46:33]Um anyways, hopefully that works out.

[00:46:35]But, thank you again for listening.

[00:46:38]Thank you for being a supporter. I love all of you and I hope all of you know that you're not alone and that my DMs are always open, preferably on Instagram. Tik Tok, they get lost and also I When I'm uploading this, is Tik Tok gone, guys?

[00:46:55]Please don't be. I just hit 10K on Tik Tok. I'm like, "Woo, big milestone." And now you're saying Biden signed off to ban it?

[00:47:05]Seriously? Can we live? Can we live?

[00:47:09]Like Anyways.

[00:47:11]I don't know what they think is going on with Tik Tok, but they need they need to calm down. They need to calm down. Can I just Can I just make my fun 20-second videos?

[00:47:20]Whatever.

[00:47:21]Anyways, if Tik Tok isn't taken down, then go follow me on Tik Tok at Mackenzie Sullivan with three N's.

[00:47:30]Thank you. Um if Tik Tok is taken down, damn, RIP.

[00:47:35]>> [laughter] >> Um make sure you're subscribed here on YouTube.

[00:47:40]I don't know if I'm on Spotify or anything like that, but anyways, whatever you're listening to, subscribe to that. Also, follow me on Instagram cuz that might be the platform I'm moving to in place of Tik Tok. Anyways, yeah.

[00:47:55]Thank you, guys.

[00:47:57]And I will talk to you later. Bye.