Why You Never Feel Like You Belong

本站添加: 2026-06-02

[00:00:00]Trauma experts focus on the wrong things, a lot of them. It's all safety and trauma is stored in your body and heal your inner child stuff. But the thing that those of us with childhood PTSD need most to learn how to deal with is people. How to deal with people.

[00:00:20]That's where the worst wound is. And that's the memo we didn't get at home.

[00:00:25]One place it shows up for just about all of us is when we try to take part in a group. How do you feel when you try to take part in a group? It's super common for those of us who grew up with abuse and neglect to feel as adults that we are somehow not quite part of things. Do you have this where you feel like you're on the outside of groups? kind of in it, kind of not in it, but never really part of it. Or you start as a full participant, but then you pull away over time. You uninclude yourself. I've done this so many times. And maybe you're resigned to the fact that groups are just not for you. But belonging is important and it's a real need that all people have. So you might be still trying and trying, joining groups, getting uncomfortable or feeling excluded. and then dropping out again.

[00:01:22]And maybe you think in each case that the problem is other people, and sometimes that could be true. But the telltale sign that this could be a personal choice, even when it doesn't feel like it, is that you're almost always at about the same distance from the center. And by that I mean every group has a center, a leader or two who are at the very middle and then all around them are the people who put a lot of time and energy into the group. and a little further out are the people who are involved and influential but not as much as the people near the center and so on. Now, in my case, I used to always like to settle at about 80% out from the center. Invited to the party, but not responsible for making the party happen.

[00:02:05]And a lot of times I'd I'd start out motivated and thinking, you know what, this group is great. I'm I finally found my people. I want to be involved with this. And then I'd move towards the very center of the group, maybe take on a more active role, maybe even a leadership role, and then sooner or later, probably sooner, I would find some reason to pull back. I might go to about 40% out of the circle first, but eventually I'd bounce out of the group altogether. So being part of something was and and in some areas of my life, it still is really uncomfortable for me. So why is that? I used to think my trouble with groups was just one episode of bad luck after another. The wrong co-workers, the wrong mom's group, the wrong 12step friends. And I'd think, I guess I'm just really different. These people don't get me. And I never saw that it was a consistent pattern until I had a lot of healing from dysregulation and I started to have some clarity. And it makes sense because being in a group when you have the sensitivities of childhood PTSD can be too much. People are triggering, right? And groups of people, it's like a bunch of triggering people and the group dynamic that brings up all your pain about belonging and fitting in and all the times that that didn't happen. So dealing with a lot of people can be like an assault on your senses and it gets really emotional.

[00:03:28]It's like a high school experience that just never stops.

[00:03:32]So, childhood PTSD, it's not the same thing as introversion, but I suspect there are similarities in that being social with people can take more energy than it gives because you're just working so hard to act normal to deal with it all. You know, but the thing is when we need people, we need them on a practical level and we need relationships if we're going to start healing the wounds of trauma, which are largely relational wounds. They affect your nervous system but they were caused by what happened between you and other people you know namely your parents. So the healing needs to happen before you have social relationships but also it needs to happen within social relationships. The little interactions is where you get to practice what you're learning and where you get nourished emotionally even though sometimes there's pain involved. There's criticism and rejection and genuinely being different in a group where everyone else seems to feel connected. But all that can get easier. So like everyone else, you need a sense of belonging. So it's natural that you'd gravitate to groups, but toward the outer edges at first.

[00:04:42]It's a little more manageable. You can be around people and be social a little bit, but just keep one foot out the door in case you need to get the heck out of there. It's okay to do that, by the way.

[00:04:53]Healthy groups have roles and space for many kinds of people. And it's okay not to participate fully for a while. Life would be great if you could keep going like this, just soaking up the group belonging feeling, not risking your emotions by getting too involved. But the problem is that relationships that are all on the periphery of groups make it really hard to develop meaning in your life. You need some friction. You need some contact with people to develop social skills. Everyone needs this. And staying on the periphery keeps contact shallow. So you don't get that. That's what we want at first is to be out here.

[00:05:30]That's how we can keep from setting off old triggers. But shallow connections, they take a toll. The connectedness that you crave is more like a future fantasy.

[00:05:39]And in the present, you're still isolating. And then what starts as a kind of delay in your development can become a full-on deficiency. And next thing you know, you're getting more isolated than ever. That is how it happens. By playing it safe, you stay stuck. You need to be taking some risks to grow your comfort zone a little wider. A little wider. There are these normal ups and downs involved in having friends and being part of groups. If you're not continuously growing through experiencing the normal ups and downs of being in friendships and groups, you risk not only not being included anymore, but you can start to get like hard to include. And what it is, and this will sound harsh, but avoiding people leads to self-centeredness.

[00:06:28]Not sharing yourself with other people.

[00:06:30]It's an emergency protection measure, but it's not a way to live your whole life. The possibility of sharing yourself is all around you. You can agree to bring something to a potluck dinner. You can join a choir or take a quilting class or invite friends out for a hike. When you show up for people in your life, you grow less fragile and more flexible and more connected and more included.

[00:06:57]And yes, it's demanding to be included.

[00:07:00]And isolation sounds so peaceful as an option. But if you allow isolation to take root, long term, it will take over and your very worst traits will have this huge fertile empty space to take root. People in isolation grow crabier.

[00:07:16]They get more self-centered. They get more bitter. They get more paranoid. And then it gets harder to turn the ship like back towards connection again because you've gotten too eccentric, too awkward. I've called this turning weird on YouTube before. And some people have complained that I was being unfair, but I think it's fair. I know that isolation definitely made me a weirder version of myself. And I don't mean good weird.

[00:07:40]Have you ever felt this beginning to happen to you? Have you seen it in other people? I mean, I really noticed it in myself and other people in fact when lockdown was ending and I started being able to hang out with people again. I was rough on the edges. I talked too much. I would wouldn't know what to say.

[00:07:57]I was a little angry, a little edgy, and gradually I kind of got my bearings again. So, take your alone time and then keep chipping away at your capacity to stay connected. I know many of you watching this video are there right now wondering if any change is possible or worth it. And I just want to tell you, yes, it is possible. And yes, it is worth it. You just start with one small action. You just show up. So, I teach a bunch of ways to do this in my connection boot camp. That's a 30-day course that helps you keep taking positive actions each day and you develop new skills for having relationships. You can explore that down in the description section. There's a link down there if you want to check that out. But for today, take a shower, put on your coat, go say hello to some people, go back to a group you used to like, pay a visit to a friend you've been neglecting. Sign up for, you know, a cleanup day at the beach or a blood drive or whatever community gettogethers are just happening. It doesn't have to be really exciting. It just gets you out of the house so that you can show up.

[00:09:04]And if you do one thing like this every other day, in a couple of weeks you're going to find yourself included again.

[00:09:12]The need to be included is not just a weakness. It's primal. We're born into community. And as much as we want to escape it sometimes and be independent, we never can be. Not totally. Not really. And evolutionary biologists will tell you it's a survival strategy so that you have warmth and food and protection from predators and so on. But it's not just physical. Inclusion is just as important for the growth and development of your being, your intellect, your spirit. Because without inclusion in human relationships, the blossoming of of your whole real self is arrested. It can't fully happen.

[00:09:53]Fulfillment cannot come to you. So being included and connected is also crucial for your physical health, for your brain health. It wards off dementia. It creates a support system of people who care about you and who can come to your aid if you're broke or lonely or feeling like your life is falling apart. You're not meant to go through all that alone.

[00:10:13]You've probably done it before. I have.

[00:10:16]But let's just say right now that we should never have to go through life's hardships alone ever again. Healing can bring that connection back to you.

[00:10:25]One-on-one relationships are one thing.

[00:10:28]If you have childhood PTSD, those can be just as hard as being part of a group.

[00:10:32]You need both. And I know it feels hard, and that's because it is hard. But keep trying. Keep participating. The reward for that is that you get to be included.

[00:10:42]And included is secretly really what we all want. That's where we want to be. If you resonate with this and you feel like past trauma may have affected your ability to connect with other people or to feel a sense of belonging, take my connection quiz. It lists a bunch of signs that that's exactly what's going on. I'll put a link to that in the second line of the description section right below this video. And I'll see you very soon. You can't control who likes you actually, but you can stop doing things that quietly make people shut you out.