Why “Get Off Your Phone!” Never Works | Dr. Becky and Dr. Sheryl

[00:00:00]Hey, can you get off your phone? Hey, get off your phone. Get off your phone.

[00:00:03]Hey, get off your phone. Does this sound familiar?

[00:00:09]No matter how many times you tell your kid to get off their phone, they don't listen. Let me tell you exactly what we're going to cover in this video.

[00:00:17]First, when it comes to our kids getting off their phones, I want to establish what the problem is because we often misinterpret these moments as disrespect. Second, I'm going to call in my colleague, Dr. Cheryl Ziggler. She's a clinical psychologist specializing in the tween and teen years. And she's going to help us understand what's really happening inside a teen when we ask them to get off their phone. Third, we're going to go over three practical steps you can take and actually encouraging your kid to get off their phone in a way they'll actually cooperate with. Let's get into it. You ask your kid to get off their phone, even politely at first, and they don't.

[00:00:52]Maybe they don't respond or look up or move at all. And here's what we tend to think. We tend to tell ourselves the story that this is disrespect or that our kid isn't grateful for this device we gave them. And then because we tell ourselves that story, we respond to them as if it is disrespect. But I promise you that's not actually what's going on.

[00:01:10]So hear me out. What's actually happening is we're asking our kid to get off a device that is designed to hold their attention. And so when we ask a teenager to just put it down, we're saying they need to win a fight that was built on purpose for them to lose. Now, this does not mean boundaries around phones are pointless. No, it just means we have to understand what this is really about so we can set effective boundaries. In order to do that, we also have to understand what's going on from the teen perspective in their mind and their brain development. And so I want to call in Dr. Cheryl Ziggler. She's the person I call when I need a new perspective, when I'm feeling really stuck or frustrated with my own kids.

[00:01:52]So, I have a feeling she's going to know exactly what to tell us.

[00:01:58]>> Hey, Becky.

[00:01:59]>> Hi, Cheryl. Do you have a moment?

[00:02:01]>> Yeah. What's up?

[00:02:03]>> Okay. Question for you. Like, you say to a teenager four extremely simple words.

[00:02:08]Get off your phone. And like I feel like they look at you and then no, they just don't do it. What is going on? There's actually these big reasons why they do what they do and we just don't totally understand it or we don't even slow down enough to think about it because we're so annoyed. When they're on their phone, that is their whole social life.

[00:02:27]Everyone they care about's on there.

[00:02:29]Everything they're interested is on there. So when you say, "Hey, get off."

[00:02:34]It's like you're interrupting everything I literally love to do and want to be doing and I don't want to be doing that.

[00:02:40]And then they are being asked to do two really hard things after that, which is, hey, I want you to transition. And I want you to do that super fast. And I want you to do something called task switching. BOOM. TRANSITION. HANG UP WITH THAT PERSON. Stop scrolling. And then the next thing I want you to do is I want you to move on to a whole other task that takes all of this executive functioning capability that you don't even fully have. And I want you to do it now. And if you don't do it now, my voice is going to get high and I'm going to start getting really mad.

[00:03:12]>> Is there a part of it? They're also thinking as a teenager, I'm just trying to be my own person. So, in general, I don't love being told what to do by my parent.

[00:03:20]>> There's two things. There's autonomy and independence. So, autonomy says like, "Hey, mom, don't tell me who to talk to and when to get on and when to get off."

[00:03:30]That I make my own decisions. Let me choose my own friends. That's autonomy.

[00:03:35]Then there's independence. I want to go where I want to go. I want to do the chore when I want to do it. Leave me alone. So, one is like, let me have my own thoughts. And the other one is, let me do it on my own timeline when and where I want to.

[00:03:48]>> So, I'm thinking this is so tricky. This is this device that's designed to bring them in. It represents their whole world, which matters so much to a teen.

[00:03:56]That's really helpful for me. It just gives me more empathy. Will make me more likely to say, "Oh, so hard. That's so hard. Take it off your phone."

[00:04:03]>> Yeah. I mean, we It's just that reminder, right? We're up against chemicals and reward systems that are much bigger than us. They are much bigger than what even their intentions are. That piece around self-control and time managements and, you know, doing one thing before you do the other, they can learn it. I'm not saying they can't.

[00:04:21]It's just not inherently in there right now. And so that's also just what we're up against.

[00:04:26]>> I'll let you go and I know I'm going to call you again soon.

[00:04:29]>> Okay. Anytime. Bye, Becky.

[00:04:31]>> Bye. Now, let's talk about what can actually practically help. Step one, a conversation about phone habits cannot happen in the heat of the moment. I have to say, I learned this the hard way.

[00:04:41]What happens is we see our kid on the phone. We get frustrated and that's the time we decide, I think you're going to love a little lecture. Hey, you're on your phone all the time. Hey, you really have to change it. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to change it. I'm going to hide it. And that's what's going to happen. I can say that easily cuz I've tried that. And I do not want you to have the same result I had. Waiting is not permissive. I mean, think about the best sports coach. If you watch a player in a game, turn over the basketball.

[00:05:06]You're not going to lecture the player, then you're going to note it. Take a minute, probably even wait 24 hours to talk to them and practice. That's just being effective. Step two, how we actually talk to our kid. This really matters. And there's a mindset you have to adopt first. You and your kid are on the same team. If we talk to our kid like they're the enemy, all they feel is enemy energy. and they give it right back to us. This is how it might sound from a same team mindset. Hey, I don't want to keep fighting about your phone. I hate it. I'm guessing you don't like it either. And I think we can come up with the best ideas together. Look, here's where I'm stuck. What should I do when you're on your phone after you've agreed to get off it or in a moment when I know it would be helpful to do something else? I want to have a better way of talking to you in that moment that doesn't lead to a fight. And I would genuinely love your ideas. See, you're actually inviting your kid in to help come up with a solution. And just like us, if a kid is involved in designing a solution or a plan, they're going to be much more invested in it. It makes a really big difference. Step three. If a phone is the source of so much fun and entertainment or comfort or connection and then we limit use, we have to find another way to help our kid meet those real needs. Now, I have two ways I want to share with you that I think both of them are going to make you think, are you serious? That is so cheesy. That is not realistic. Board games and books. And let me explain.

[00:06:39]It's okay if you also have skepticism about a board game. You think my teenager is going to play a board game with me. That's okay. use it. Hey, I know we've talked about being on our phone a little less, but you know what?

[00:06:51]If we're not going to be on our phones, both of us, we need something else for fun. I kind of bought this random board game. I don't know, maybe it's weird, but do you want to try? Your teenager is probably going to be more likely to try it with you and let them roll their eyes. It's okay. A book. Books shouldn't be presented with pressure. Instead, just as an offering, find a book that's about a topic or has a character that's in line with something your kid likes and just put it out in the room. It's just an offering. Your kid might surprise you. They just might pick it up. So, let's wrap this up. If get off your phone has stopped working in your house, it's not because you're failing.

[00:07:26]And it's definitely not because your kid is bad. It's because get off your phone run straight into two things. Devices are built to keep your kids on them.

[00:07:36]It's not a fair fight. Plus, during the teenage years, your kid is fighting to feel like their own independent person.

[00:07:42]And so they don't particularly like loud directive commands. You and me, we are navigating a world that is very different from the one we grew up in. We are the first generation of parents to parent in a world that never turns off.

[00:07:53]It makes sense and it feels so hard. So if you're trying to make sense of all of it, subscribe here. [music] There are no perfect answers, but we can think through these things together. And so join us for more conversations that bring a little more clarity and possibility and practicality to this stage of the parenting journey.