Why Your Nervous System Craves the Emotionally Unavailable (It’s Not Love)

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]In this video, I'm going to be talking about the pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable people. Now, this is something that is pretty deep.

[00:00:08]There's many different layers and levels to this. So, I'm going to do my best to really break it all down, simplify it, and explain what's happening internally for the person who believes that they're stuck in this pattern.

[00:00:23]Now, the first thing I want to say is this. If you are someone that has been experiencing this, I know it's tough. I know it's exhausting. I know you're looking for the solution to finally transcend this cycle. And I really believe that what I'm going to be sharing in this video will be immensely helpful and bring you insight and awareness into different areas that maybe you were totally unaware of.

[00:00:51]Because with pattern recognition, that's really what it boils down to.

[00:00:56]There's always some kind of unconscious belief or tendency that's running the show. And really what it boils down to is becoming aware of that. The expansion of awareness when it comes to the different patterns in our lives is everything. Carl Jung had the famous quote where he said until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate. So I think this is going to be helpful and my encouragement is just to listen with an open heart and open mind and see if it resonates. Okay.

[00:01:35]So the first thing with this whole pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable people is what tends to happen is they'll be they'll be the person that is deemed emotionally unavailable and that is the symptom but it gets misunderstood for being the root problem, the root cause. And what happens is when someone starts blaming the other person or they're blaming people from their past and they're saying things like this is just the way it's always been for me and the universe is not on my side and I'm just unlucky.

[00:02:10]They are operating in the state or the mentality of the victim which is a very low vibrational frequency.

[00:02:19]And the truth is that person that is being deemed unavailable, emotionally unavailable is not the root problem.

[00:02:28]They are the symptom. And the symptom is the mirror. The mirror is actually reflecting back to you where you have been unavailable for yourself. Where you have been abandoning yourself, where you have been rejecting yourself. So the truth is every time this pattern manifests, every time it shows up, it's an opportunity to see where you're not experiencing freedom and wholeness within the depths of your own being.

[00:02:58]And as long as these different beliefs of being not enough, being unworthy are within your subconscious running your life, this pattern of attracting people that are emotionally unavailable will keep unfolding. It will be the story time and time again.

[00:03:18]So the mirror principle, what we're perceiving to be our outer world is reflecting our deepest subconscious beliefs, especially in the realm of dating and relationships.

[00:03:32]So don't see this as a problem because it's not it's not a problem at all. It's an opportunity. And if you can start to shift your perspective just on this, just on the pattern recognition and seeing it as the symptom, not as the root, you are one step in the right direction of being free and experiencing your inherent wholeness and then eventually finding the person that is aligned with your heart, which is really what this is all about, right? When you really break it down, it's like, okay, what do we want? We want to find someone that is actually a great healthy match for us and we don't want to have this mentality of oh this other person is here to complete me or without them I'm I'm not enough or whatever. Like there's all these different narratives that we cling to that keep us in a low vibrational state and they just fuel the patterns in our lives that we don't want to be experiencing. Right? But I always start with remembering your inherent wholeness. Because here's the thing, your inherent value, your wholeness, your worth has never changed. It's unchanging. The only thing that has shifted throughout the course of your life is your belief about yourself which is connected to this subconscious programming I keep mentioning. What is this subconscious programming I keep mentioning? Well, in the first roughly 7 years of our lives, we undergo many different things in our environment and parents, the way they're raising us and friends and family and all these different external influences and they're shaping our inner world, how we see ourselves, how we see others, how we see the universe, God, whatever. And this is a program. And for most people, this program, this subconscious program is negative and limiting and disempowering.

[00:05:33]And then after age seven, the beliefs in the subconscious are what pretty much control the person's life.

[00:05:42]And they're responsible for all of these different tendencies and behaviors and patterns and who we're attracting, who we're repelling, all of that. It's all connected to the subconscious. So, think about it like this. You're in a movie theater, okay? And you're watching the screen and you're seeing a certain pattern play out in the movie or certain characters and you're sitting there and you're like, I don't like this movie or I don't like this plot and these characters and I want to see something different. I don't like what I'm seeing.

[00:06:14]Would you pick up a big marker and go over to the screen and start trying to like create a new movie, a new No, you wouldn't do that. Why? because you know that the movie that you're watching is not coming from the screen. What's it coming from? It's coming from something behind you. It's coming from something that you can't see. You're unaw you're unaware of it to a degree when you're really locked in on the movie. But the movie is not actually happening in front of you. It's not actually coming from the screen. It's coming from this thing behind you called a projector or a reel. Right?

[00:06:52]And then it's actually what's inside the reel. What's inside the projector, this film, this DVD, that projector, let's just call it the projector for now. That projector is the subconscious mind. And the DVD inside of it that is putting out this projection onto the screen is the subconscious belief. or there's there can be multiple core subconscious beliefs.

[00:07:21]So that is what is actually going on. So if you wanted to change the screen, if you wanted to change I mean the movie the the pattern that's playing out in the movie the plot, if you wanted to experience something different, what would you need to do? Well, you would need to get up, walk up the stairs, go up to that projector, open it, take out the DVD that's been playing, and put in a new film, a new DVD. That would be the precursor to then experiencing a different movie on the screen, a different movie in our perceived external reality. Okay, that's what this is actually all about.

[00:08:05]So when things come up, when this pattern kicks into gear and now you're experiencing it again, don't panic, don't freak out. See it as an opportunity to go within and start going in the direction of the root of this thing, the projector. Because what's really exhausting is not so much the fact that you keep attracting someone who is emotionally unavailable.

[00:08:34]What's really exhausting, what's the cause of the majority of the suffering that you're experiencing is trying to fix the screen. Trying to focus so much on all of these things that you could be doing externally to try to change or fix this pattern.

[00:08:52]That's what's exhausting.

[00:08:55]But what I'm telling you here today is that is not the solution. That is not the answer. Because that approach is being driven by the idea that the problem, the root is the other person or the people that you've dated in the past, which again is misunderstanding the symptom for the root. It's a mirror.

[00:09:22]It's reflecting back to you. It's an opportunity to see where you've been programmed for limitation and disempowerment.

[00:09:33]Okay. So that's the first thing.

[00:09:39]The second portion of this is understanding the nervous system. Now, the nervous system is always responding to our deepest subconscious beliefs, and it's doing its job, and it does a pretty good job at what it does. What is its job?

[00:09:59]To protect you, to keep you safe. That's all it really cares about. The nervous system doesn't care if you're happy or if you're in love. It just wants to make sure that you're safe.

[00:10:10]So the way it works is in the early stages of life when this program is developing.

[00:10:18]If when you were younger, love was something that was distant or you had to earn love or love was conditional that became familiar. Okay? And for the nervous system, what is familiar, what is known is what is safe.

[00:10:37]So, this is huge because what happens later on in life is when you're dating and you're looking for a partner and you meet someone and they're grounded and they have this wholeness and they're available, that can be registered as almost like going against what is safe for your nervous system because you're not having to chase. You're not having to earn.

[00:11:03]you're not having to really strive for the love. So, it's like it it feels almost like boring or it's just like um something that is repelling for your system or maybe your system treats that like danger and yet that person was actually showing up fully and they're available. They're showing up available. They're not emotionally unavailable, right?

[00:11:31]But if this is how your nervous system is protecting you, you'll never really be able to see through that. Because the crazy thing about the nervous system, too, like I was kind of saying earlier, is that the nervous system isn't really responding to what's happening in our perceived external environment. It's responding to our interpretation of what's happening in our perceived external environment.

[00:12:01]So if our interpretation based upon certain core beliefs that we have in our subconscious is that the the person is um not safe.

[00:12:14]And again safe could be for your nervous system um someone who is unavailable. Then the experience of repelling the person that you actually deep down want to be with will continue um again and again and again.

[00:12:30]Many people hear about this, they learn this, and then they they say, "Okay, so now all I have to do is regulate my nervous system. I just have to somehow fix my nervous system, and once I get that corrected, then I won't have this problem anymore." Well, it goes a little bit deeper than just that.

[00:12:49]So, like I said, the nervous system is doing its job and it's responding to your core beliefs. And this brings me to the third portion of all of this, which is the identity.

[00:13:00]So if there's a subconscious belief that is an identity belief, which is what pretty much all of us have, these core beliefs, these I am statements that shape who we think we are.

[00:13:15]If there's a belief of unworthiness, and where would that belief come from? Well, again, if when you were younger, you were rejected, you were abandoned, or love was conditional, or you had to perform and strive in order to earn love, then typically the core belief that's going to be formed from that is I'm not worthy or I'm not enough.

[00:13:39]Something along the lines of that, I'm not safe. And then what happens is the nervous system says, "Okay, this is reality. This is true."

[00:13:53]And then what happens is, or let me say this before I get into how that works.

[00:13:59]Um, let's just stick with the identity for now. Let's say there's this core identity of I'm not worthy.

[00:14:08]That is actually the root. that is actually what is projecting this scene, this event, this um pattern over and over and over again.

[00:14:24]So once you go into your subconscious and you investigate the validity of this belief of I am not worthy and you start to dissolve that and see through that then what happens is there is this inherent peace and wholeness that has always been there that starts to shine just like the sun starts to shine through the clouds when the clouds start to dissolve or fade out. And then what happens after that? Well, once you're experiencing this inherent wholeness and you don't actually need anyone to complete you or you don't need to be in a certain relationship with a specific person to feel enough, then the nervous system relaxes because now there's this safety that's being expressed from the core of your being.

[00:15:18]And you're able to navigate these different emotions and you're showing your system that these different emotions, these different thoughts are not threats.

[00:15:30]They're just emotions. They're just thoughts. And you're able to let them pass through you. And I'm going to be teaching you how to do that later on in this video. For now, I just want you to see and understand that the core driver of all of this is going to be some kind of belief of unworthiness.

[00:15:50]Now, it's interesting because, you know, the way this plays out is if you keep attracting and and by the way, again, let's just like say it clearly. The whole thing about you attracting a person who is emotionally unavailable is really subconsciously you selecting.

[00:16:11]It's not this person that keeps finding you. It's you subconsciously selecting the person who is emotionally unavailable. Why would you subconsciously select someone who's emotionally unavailable?

[00:16:24]Well, because if this person is unavailable, then you don't have to face being fully seen. Being fully seen subconsciously if the core belief is I am unworthy means what? Well, it means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means being rejected and being rejected means being hurt. Which again the nervous system is there to really protect you from that.

[00:16:52]So it becomes a form of protection and defense selecting subconsciously this person who is unavailable because it keeps you from having to be fully seen.

[00:17:05]And once you see this, once you discover this, you now have the option.

[00:17:12]You can spend all of your time fixated on the fruits of the tree, the symptoms, trying to change the fruit, trying to change the movie on the screen with that big marker.

[00:17:27]Or you can go straight for the root and uproot it. Because again like I was saying once that root gets up up uprooted uprooted once it dissolves once it dissipates there's clarity there's space there's the direct experience of the wholeness of your being and your inherent worth see your worth has never changed it's unchanging the only thing that happened was somewhere along the way. You got convinced through the programming of your subconscious mind that you were not enough, that you were unworthy because of the interpretation of some kind of rejection or abandonment early on in life. And it's not your fault. It's not the other person's fault. They were doing the best they could with the level of awareness they had at the time. Mom, dad, whoever the caretaker was, it doesn't matter. They were doing the best they could. and they had their own conditioning and their own trauma and programming and that they probably hadn't dealt with.

[00:18:38]But that's how this sense of unworthiness came about and you accepted it, you believed it and then what happened was life started reinforcing it because again once that DVD is in the projector, the movie of life can't help but playing those scenes over and over again. And you know, it's different people with each relationship, but it's the same energy or the same pattern or the same whatever. Why? Because that's the movie.

[00:19:14]That's the film.

[00:19:16]And this isn't just in relationships.

[00:19:18]It's in finances, in your career. It can be in pretty much every aspect of life.

[00:19:28]But going back to point number one, when you start to recognize this, once you start to see the pattern, pattern recognition, it's not a bad thing.

[00:19:41]It's an opportunity. It's an invitation to direct your focus and attention towards the root of everything or the root of what has been driving everything in your life.

[00:19:56]Okay?

[00:19:58]But that's how the program gets going at a young age once you accept it and believe it. And then like I said, as life goes on and all these things keep happening that reinforce it, you really really believe that it's true. And now you have, you know, a pile, a list of evidence to say, "Hey, look, this is why I'm unworthy because I got rejected 20 times throughout my life." Or because every single person I've ever been with in a relationship was emotionally unattracted. I mean, emotionally unavailable.

[00:20:31]That's why I'm unworthy, right? And the idea is, oh yeah, that's why I'm unworthy. But what if the unworthiness belief was the very thing that was creating and projecting and attracting the situations, the circumstance, the relationships of life.

[00:20:52]That's something to investigate and ponder.

[00:20:56]But again, what this boils down to on an identity level is subconsciously once that belief is there and once that's running your life, you will select the emotionally unavailable person to protect yourself from being fully seen. Because fully seen equals the potential for rejection.

[00:21:20]And between your subconscious programming and your nervous system tendencies and conditioning, those two forces, those two uh things will do everything that they know to do to keep you safe. Okay.

[00:21:39]Now, there's five things that I have found to be really helpful for moving through a pattern like this, transcending it, and then remembering your original wholeness and living from that inherent freedom so that you can become the most available to attract the partner who is aligned for you. And the first thing is this. Own the selection.

[00:22:01]Recognize that this pattern of you attracting emotionally unavailable people has been your own subconscious selecting it. Again, it's not just you being unlucky. It's not some random coincidence.

[00:22:16]It's what you've been attracting. It's what you've been selecting. When you own that, you move from being the victim of the circumstance to being responsible to being the creator. And this is when you are the most empowered. The second thing is relabel the spark. What does that mean?

[00:22:34]Well, again, like I said earlier, what can happen is this like anxiety or butterfly feeling that comes with chasing love, that can be registered as normal and safety, but that's not what true love is. And that's not the embodiment of it at the core. So when you start to reframe that and see that that was just like a survival strategy and just a mechanism of the nervous system that was associating chasing with safety and therefore equating that to love. That is more consciousness that you have more clarity and you understand that there's this wholeness and calmness with experiencing love that doesn't have to do with this anxiety spike or feeling all the butterflies or having to chase or earn it. Because essentially what the remembrance of original wholeness shows you is that the love you've been seeking outside of yourself and another person has always been what you are fundamentally.

[00:23:38]It's not something that you have to attain in a relationship. You are what you seek as Roomie said.

[00:23:46]So this is the best way to relabel it or reframe it. You just see. And I know it's one thing for me to say this and to for for you to hear it. And it's a different thing. It's another thing for you to directly experience it. But once you start to go through these different steps and once your awareness starts to expand in this direction of being responsible and the truth, the expression, the experience of wholeness starts to arise and the knowing of you being love itself becomes very evident.

[00:24:22]It's not something that you have to force or try to come up with on your own ego's strength. No, this is just the revelation and embodiment that happens naturally as a result of you remembering your original wholeness which comes in the absence of you clinging to the narratives of these limiting beliefs of the subconscious. Okay, so that's the second thing. The third thing is expose the hidden benefit. Again, what are you actually getting out of being with someone who is unavailable? Well, if a core belief is I'm unworthy, then with this person, you don't have to be fully seen. You don't have to express yourself fully, which means you stay safe because you don't have to deal with the rejection and the abandonment and the potential of being hurt. Okay? So once you expose that again it's pouring more light into the darkness. All of these different subconscious beliefs and tendencies and behaviors are operating in the dark are operating in the unconscious. The more you become aware of them through these different questions and through just exploration and just taking a step back and seeing it from a higher perspective, the more empowered and the more uh the more empowered you become and the more clarity you have. And I've noticed that those two things along this journey are really important. Being empowered and having clarity as you navigate the different layers and levels of this.

[00:25:58]The fourth thing is dissolve the core lie. So once you're seeing all of this and you're feeling the um you're experiencing the clarity and the empowerment, you are now capable of doing the deeper inner work or the shadow work necessary to see what exactly what specifically these core beliefs are that have been running your life and how do you dissolve them exactly? Well, you simply get to the root and you see it and then you just start to question the hell out the question the hell out of it, investigate the hell out of it. And as you do that, you're going to be brought back in time perhaps to that moment where that idea was ingrained into your subconscious.

[00:26:51]And then you start to see it for what it is, an idea that someone else gave you that you accepted, not a fundamental truth of reality.

[00:27:01]See, once you see and know the truth, that is what leads to freedom.

[00:27:08]It's not just the truth, it's seeing it and knowing it, which is what happens when you start going within through some kind of self inquiry or meditation.

[00:27:17]That's why I love meditation so much.

[00:27:19]Meditation really gives you the awareness to see these things and to sit with them and to dissolve them in a very efficient way. So that's the fourth thing. Once that clears out, like I said earlier, there's that wholeness, there's that groundedness, there's the light, the expansion, the expression of your true nature. And now you're living and walking in freedom, which is actually what you are. Freedom isn't something that you get. It's just the revelation.

[00:27:53]It's those clouds clearing. And now who you are is shining. And there's nothing to prove. There's nothing to hide.

[00:28:03]There's nothing to fear. You're free.

[00:28:07]Okay. However, freedom is not that you'll never have the old pattern show up again. Freedom is if the patterns show up again, you won't be affected as much as the time before and you'll know how to deal with it. So, if if or when they show up and you're living from freedom and wholeness, that's okay. you now know what to do. Which leads me to point number five, which is to recognize what emotion is coming up. And then give yourself full permission to feel it. Cuz whenever you're triggered or whenever this pattern tries to show itself again, there's going to be some kind of inner experience. There's going to be some kind of feeling or an emotion. And your task is simply to accept it. Hold it.

[00:28:55]Allow it to be there. Don't try to push it away. Don't try to ignore it. Don't try to fight it. Don't judge yourself because you feel some type of way. No.

[00:29:05]Just let it be there. Be with it.

[00:29:08]Breathe with it. Feel it. that energy that feels heavy, that feels like it's familiar, like it's the old pattern that's in your system, will then start to flow out of you. And then again, there's the freedom, there's the wholeness, there's the clear blue, sunny sky that's always there beyond the clouds.

[00:29:27]And every time you do that, you learn something and you become more efficient at at allowing that energy to move through you. And it's almost like every time that happens, there's this expansion of what it means to be whole and to be free in this human incarnation, in this human experience, which to me is a beautiful thing.

[00:29:53]So again, these five points that I've listed out to assist in navigating this pattern. Number one, own this election. Number two, relabel the spark, that feeling that comes up that your nervous system has been registering as love or safety.

[00:30:14]Number three, expose the hidden benefit.

[00:30:18]Number four, dissolve the core lie. And number five, practice some kind of somatic stability or some kind of meditation where you're allowing whatever is coming up to be there and you're allowing the energy to move through you instead of becoming attached to it instead of allowing it to keep you in that low vibrational state. Okay.

[00:30:42]So again, like I said earlier, I really hope this was helpful. If it was, I'd love to hear about it. Um, if you would like to go even deeper in this kind of work, this is what I help people with one-on-one. So, you can look in the description below for this video and see the information for working one-on-one with me. I would love to help you get through this pattern and see what the core identity root is to dissolve it to lead you into your original wholeness where you can start living from freedom and possibility and attracting things that are actually in alignment with your soul and your heart's desires which is really what we all want to experience as human beings here on this planet. Um, but again, I understand how difficult this work can be sometimes on your own, especially if the nervous system is really disregulated and you're so stuck in the old familiar patterns. So, sometimes just walking through this with someone can be immensely beneficial and helpful. And I say sometimes, but it's actually most of the time if you're unfamiliar with this kind of work. So, I'm here for you if you're interested and uh I would love to help. So, check out the information for that in the description below.

[00:31:58]And as always, if you found this video helpful, informative, or insightful, please leave a thumbs up at the bottom of the screen, and be sure to subscribe to this channel if you haven't already.

[00:32:08]Subscribing really helps this channel out a lot. It's one of the best ways to support this channel, and uh it means a lot to me. So, thanks again for watching and I'll see you next