The Hidden Signs of Manipulative People! | Robert Greene

Added: 2026-05-26

[00:00:00]If you're going to fight for something, you have to be able to meet the enemy on their terms of power because the way toxic [music] people have learned, they've learned strategies since they were 6 or 7 years old.

[00:00:12]They don't come at you saying, "I'm toxic. [music] I'm a narcissist. Get away from me."

[00:00:17]They know how to appear charming.

[00:00:18][music] They know how to be interested in you. They know how to be moderately pleasing, etc. They can be They can even be charismatic. The best thing you want to develop [music] in life is the radar to detect them before you get involved with So, you have to always be aware in life of people's insecurities.

[00:00:38]So, we can say the different kind of toxic type of people. Most often, they're of the narcissistic variety.

[00:00:45]They're people who are grandiose.

[00:00:46]They're people who are aggressive, passive-aggressive, who feel a lot of envy. There's like deep-rooted insecurities on and on. There are many types. But, the main thing that you want in life to develop in life is the ability to to detect them before you get involved with them.

[00:01:02]Because the way toxic people have learned, they've learned strategies since they were 6 or 7 years old how to get power.

[00:01:11]And they embroil you in dramas. They get into your emotions, right? They entangle themselves in the in your life. They don't come at you saying, "I'm toxic.

[00:01:22]I'm a narcissist. Get away from me."

[00:01:24]They know how to appear charming. They know how to be interested in you. They know how to be moderately pleasing, etc. They can be They can even be charismatic. You get involved with them, and then it starts to come out, and it's too late because you're emotionally entangled with them. They've got their roots inside of you, and you're you're sucked into their dramas, and it's really hard to get out, particularly in an intimate relationship. That's the worst of all.

[00:01:50]The best thing you want to develop in life is the radar to detect them before before get involved with them.

[00:01:57]And it requires a change in how you perceive people.

[00:02:01]So, it doesn't mean I don't want people to become paranoid that everybody out there that I'm dealing with could be toxic, cuz it's only like 5% of the population or whatever is truly like that. But, you want to be able to see the signs beforehand, right? And you don't want to judge people based on their words, based on their charming personality, [music] based on their glittering resume. You want to be able to judge their character, what's deep deep inside of them, right? The things that they not are not so visible at first glance, [music] right? So, you have to train how you think about people. You have to observe their patterns in life before you met them. If this person you're about to get involved in a relationship tells you, "All of my wives and girlfriends in the past, they [music] were just such blah blah blah blah blah." And then you you hear that they they only lasted a year or so, and it was always their fault.

[00:02:54]Your antenna should go up. Something is wrong here. This person isn't revealing the truth. This probably coming from something within.

[00:03:03]In my 48 Laws of Power, I talk about infection, where there are people who have an infecting power on you.

[00:03:09]They're surrounded by all kinds of drama.

[00:03:13]They're They continually present themselves as the victim of other people, whereas in fact, they're the ones that constantly draw this drama to them, because that's how they survive.

[00:03:23]And you're going to find yourself involved with them, and it's going to be horrible to get out of the relationship.

[00:03:28]You're going to feel guilty. So, develop the power to recognize them before you get involved. And I have in the Laws of Human Nature, tons of advice about that. Paying attention to people's nonverbal cues, to a narcissist tends to have a very animated face, but a kind of a deadness in their eyes.

[00:03:50]They're They're kind of listening to you, but you can hear that they're actually thinking about themselves or they're they're they're not really connecting to you through the eyes. The face is alive, but the eyes are dead, right? There are signs, nonverbal cues, that will show you that you're dealing with someone who's not I hate words like sociopathic, psychopathic, but who is, you know, generally very inner self-directed, right? The other thing I have to say is it's easy to judge and say, "Oh, the narcissist that talks to people." But we all have these qualities. We all have narcissistic qualities. We all can be passive-aggressive, right? So some of it you can recognize in yourself. And there ways the ways [music] to get out of it.

[00:04:34]But the main thing is to not get involved with these people. If you're involved, let's say you have a spouse or whatever, the best power you can get is the ability to withdraw your emotions from the moment. And God knows that is not easy. It's a day-to-day thing. It's a daily process. Where you have to tell yourself these little kind of scripts that you tell yourself. [music] It's not me. It has nothing to do with me. It's not personal. They have issues from early childhood that have given them these toxic patterns in life.

[00:05:04]They're trying to make me feel guilty, but it's nothing to do with me. It's not personal. Over and over and over and over again. Every single time. So you have the ability to detach yourself emotionally from them on a daily basis.

[00:05:19]If you're in a job and you have a toxic colleague or a toxic boss, if you can get away from them, if you can quit your job, if you can move to another part of the office, do it.

[00:05:32]Because it's worth it. It's not worth collecting 10,000 extra dollars a year because with this boss cuz it's going to damage you emotionally. It's going to take you years to recover.

[00:05:44]Three years with a toxic boss, you may never recover. So, if you can, quit the job. Nothing No No job is worth that kind of abuse. It's going to hurt you.

[00:05:55]It's going to damage you. Right? And the same in a relationship, as well.

[00:05:59]If you can't get out, you have to develop a habit of detachment and not taking things personally. And oddly enough, when people sense that in you, like a toxic person senses that they can't push your buttons, it has a powerful effect on them. I'm not saying it's going to cure them, but they thrive on the ability to push your buttons. To see you getting upset and angry just makes them so excited in a perverted way. The fact that you're not that you're not taking it personally, that you're calm, that you're centered, that you're thinking to yourself, "It's not personal. It's not personal."

[00:06:36]It's going to have a powerful effect on them. It may not end the dynamic, but it will have more of an effect that you want than constantly falling for their ploys and their games and getting emotionally sucked into their to their dramas.

[00:06:49]I think everybody's different, but in general, if my knowledge of psychology and um all the books I've read is that you pay a price for repressing your emotions.

[00:07:00]>> Mhm.

[00:07:00]>> [music] >> That repressing something eventually comes out. And the great psychologist Carl Jung, he was the one who kind of studied that in great depth. When you repress, for instance, your dark side of your dark emotions, they come out in other ways, right? [music] So, trying to always like present yourself as this very stoic person, when in fact you're not, you're going to pay a price for it. It's going to come out in ways you can't control, [music] right? There's going to be a negative uh consequences to that. Um and so, on the other hand, you don't want to be this person who's constantly emoting and telling everybody what you feel. Like, it's very irritating. [music] You have no self-control, and people are judging you. You look like this weak person who can't control your own tongue, you [music] can't control your Okay?

[00:07:48]So, I compare it in my books and in in in talks [music] to the metaphor of the rider and the horse. Right? So, you're right the rider of the horse is your rational brain.

[00:08:01]And the horse is your emotion. It's the [music] animal part of you. It's what makes you angry or excited or fearful.

[00:08:07]The rider is what makes you kind of you know, get get things done.

[00:08:12]>> Yeah.

[00:08:13]If the rider on that horse, I don't know if people have ridden a horse, I used to ride a lot when I was a kid. If you hold the reins too [music] tightly, if you're trying to control the horse and repress it, the horse feels it. It feels it in the way your thighs are are constricting it.

[00:08:26]Horses are very sensitive animals, right? And it won't do anything. It won't follow any of your instructions.

[00:08:32]It won't go anywhere. Or it will freak out and it will run far away and it will throw you off the horse.

[00:08:37]>> Mhm.

[00:08:38]But if you just let the horse go anywhere, the horse also feels that. The horse has been tamed to some extent.

[00:08:44]Because I This guy has I have no respect for him, right? He's not trying to do anything. And the horse will go wherever it wants. You have no control.

[00:08:51]>> [music] >> People who know how to ride horses, they know they have to have a balance. They have to hold the reins not too tightly, but you have to be able to guide the horse. [music] You have to squeeze with the thighs, but not too tightly. The horse You have to feel relaxed and one with the horse. The horse then gives in [music] and you can go anywhere.

[00:09:08]So, you want a balance in life. You [music] want to be able to understand your emotions, right? You want to be able to understand why you're angry, why you're fearful, why you're frustrated, and not just give in to the emotion, like let the horse go anywhere. So, that maybe next time you understand, well, maybe I don't need to feel anger or fear because it's not really related to anything. So, you have a balance. You understand the horse, the emotion, and you can control it to some degree, but not over-control it or repress it. Cuz like I know if I get angry a lot. I have anger I could have anger issues, right?

[00:09:44]>> Mhm. Um the moments where I give in to it, I regret. If I send that angry email to my agent, but I yeah, I feel terrible, right? And so you have to go through a process like before you send that email, why am I angry?

[00:10:00]Do your hindsight thing. Will I be feeling angry in 3 weeks? No.

[00:10:03]>> No.

[00:10:04]Is it really important? Is it possibly my own fault?

[00:10:07]When you go through that process, >> [music] >> you're not repressing the anger, you're not pushing it down so that it explodes 3 days later when you yell at somebody who inadvertently crosses your path.

[00:10:17]That's what happens when you repress it.

[00:10:18]But you understand [music] it and you let it work for you. You know, okay, I won't write that angry email. But then you can use your anger for other things like writing a book.

[00:10:28]>> Mhm.

[00:10:28]>> [music] >> Right, etc. Or or believing in some social cause that's important. Yeah.

[00:10:33]>> Etc. So it's a balance. So you have to always be aware in life of people's insecurities, you know? It's like lesson number one. It's [music] going to save you a lot of painful moments. I think um a lot of people complain. It used to be women complained about it, but I think it it transcends that.

[00:10:51]Where you've been in a relationship for a year. Mhm. And all the things that I'm going and hearing the woman [music] talk cuz I've heard this before. Everything that he used to do, he doesn't do anymore.

[00:11:03]He doesn't take me special places.

[00:11:05][music] He doesn't make that extra effort. He doesn't buy me special gifts anymore.

[00:11:10]All the things that he he did when he wanted to have sex, he was like going crazy and doing all these these things.

[00:11:16]He was dressing really well. Now he kind of dresses like a slob. He kind of doesn't want to go out anymore. I hear that more than I hear the opposite like he keeps trying to seduce me and I'm getting tired of it.

[00:11:27]>> [laughter] >> I don't hear that too much.

[00:11:29]>> Right.

[00:11:29]>> But I hear that he's taking me for granted, right?

[00:11:34]So, it's not like you're practicing the same things that you did when you were trying to get that other person to fall in love with you. That would be exhausting, [music] right? And I don't think it would really work. But, it's like you still do some of the effort, right?

[00:11:48]You still try to surprise the other person. [music] You still have sides of your character that they don't know about. You do things that they've never seen before.

[00:11:57]You take You still take them to places You still put effort into buying gifts, right? You buy that special gift. You still take effort to take them one night to a special restaurant or to a movie they something that they hadn't You know, like if you understand, if you listen deeply to that other person, and they reveal their secret desires and what they're not getting from the world, just take that in and go, "If I give her a gift or take her to a place that feels that very thing that she said she's not getting, man, that'll have such a powerful effect on that person. [music] Even if you've been in a relationship for two or three years. And I've been in a relationship for for for decades, I'm afraid I have to admit. And you still have to go through that process.

[00:12:43]>> Really? Yeah.

[00:12:46]Oftentimes, your choices with a partner occur for reasons that you're not aware of.

[00:12:51]I talked about an example in The Laws of Human Nature that's sort of a classic case in therapy [music] where this man had come to a therapist and he had a series of like 10 very powerful emotional relationships, and each time [music] he broke it off. And he he would say, you know, "She did She betrayed me here. She [music] did I found out that this was happening and and and I and I no longer loved her." On and on and on.

[00:13:21]The therapist started to go into his early childhood.

[00:13:24]And he discovered that he had a mother, this man, who was very cold.

[00:13:30]Wasn't very loving to him.

[00:13:32]And he had a sense and this is what happens to children, happens to [music] boys, when the mother is like that, you feel abandoned.

[00:13:41]You don't feel like it's your fault. I'm sorry, you don't feel like it's their fault. You feel like something's wrong with you.

[00:13:46]And they have chosen to abandon you.

[00:13:48]It's It scars you. It scars that three-year-old in a way that he will never get over. And so what his pattern was, each time he got into a relationship, before the woman could begin to maybe hurt him and abandon him, he was the one doing the abandoning.

[00:14:05]It gave him a sense of power and control. It was like he was redoing the mother relationship, where he was the one abandoning and not being abandoned.

[00:14:14]He was not aware of this at all. He'd gone through 35 years of his life and all of these relationships, probably choosing women that would that kind of mirrored that early relationship as well, but that he could then have abandoned them, so he could have this feeling of power.

[00:14:31]Now, you might not be having something so dramatic going on in your life, but you will have patterns like that and I know I've had patterns like that and I've analyzed them and I've become aware of them.

[00:14:40]And so, if you've been in a very bruising, kind of damaging relationship, which we've all had if you've been alive for enough years, right?

[00:14:50]It is absolutely essential that you step back and analyze >> [music] >> because kind of negative relationships and and and traumas like that will reveal a lot of truths about yourself.

[00:15:03]They will You will tend to blame the other person for everything, but you need to look at yourself and see the patterns that are making you fall for people like that.