The Red Flags You’re Dating a Narcissist Emotional Manipulation! Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Added: 2026-05-30

[00:00:00]Insults, frankly, are the love language of the narcissistic relationship. It's about the narcissistic need to dominate [music] coupled with the contempt that narcissistic people feel for the people that they need.

[00:00:20]This video [music] is going to tell you two surefire signs, well, maybe two and a half, surefire signs that [music] you are likely in a relationship with a narcissist or other highly toxic or difficult person. The tough thing with these signs is they often don't start emerging till down the road a little bit. You might even be in there a month or two or three months or even longer before this starts happening. But once this starts happening, pay attention.

[00:00:46]Number one.

[00:00:48]You feel the need to show them text messages to prove that they said >> [music] >> what they said.

[00:00:55]You've done it. You're like, they said, "I didn't say that. That never happened." That's gaslighting. Okay, [music] they deny your reality.

[00:01:03]Well, in the world of text messaging, we have proof of things being said. I'll be there at 6:00. Of course, we can.

[00:01:10]Whatever it may be.

[00:01:11]>> [music] >> So, the person is scrolling through the text messages and then you put your phone up to the face of the other person and say, "See."

[00:01:19]At that point, the narcissist grows very disinterested or I would even say contemptuous. They don't look at your phone. And they're like, they they would then [music] also at that point, they'll start making it about you. "Oh my gosh, are you so petty that you feel the need to show me those text messages?" You know you've been there. That's why you're watching this video.

[00:01:41]And they will then start gaslighting you some more. You're the crazy one for needing to show me that. You're the petty one for needing to show me that text message. "Oh, do you feel better?

[00:01:51]Do you feel better now that you showed me the text message?"

[00:01:55]Because the fact of the matter is for a gaslighter, all of us hold the incorrect belief that if you show a gaslighter the truth, that somehow, magically, they'll be like, "You know what? I'm so sorry.

[00:02:10]You're right. I did say that." That's not what happens. They gaslight [snorts] as part of the narcissistic dynamic to protect themselves. Do you really think they're going to hand their protection over to you that easily? They're not.

[00:02:24]So, when you provide evidence, classically, it's a text message to say, "Look, this is what happened." Sometimes people will pull an email out or some other documentation to say, "This is what you agreed to." The reaction you're most likely to get is anger, or they will gaslight you some more, and or they will criticize, insult, demean, or humiliate you. That's the nature of this, and a lot of people get really frustrated because they'll say, "Even when I gave them proof, if you're in a relationship where you chronically feel the need to prove your reality reality to someone else through documentation, this is a relationship. It's not a court of law.

[00:03:08]But, I do tell people, they'll say, "Doc, but you tell me to keep documentation. What's the point of the documentation? Isn't it to show the narcissist that they're gaslighting me?"

[00:03:19]Actually, no, it's not. It's to help you feel sane. When you're gaslighted enough, you start to believe the gaslighter's truth. You start to doubt your own reality. The purpose of keeping those text messages or any other form of documentation is so you can go back and read it or look at it or listen to it, and realize, "I was not crazy at all.

[00:03:43]This was said." Because that can help you and fortify you and give you the strength to say, "Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who's denying my reality.

[00:03:53]I'm going to be honest with you. If you feel compelled to keep showing them text messages, it's actually going to just result in a lot more strife and a lot more emotional abuse. I don't recommend it. What I do recommend is you look at how those two things don't line up and you decide how long you want to stick around for this. Gaslighting is a pattern that is not really amenable to change.

[00:04:14]Number two sign that you're very likely in a relationship with a narcissistic difficult or highly toxic person.

[00:04:21]And this is another one you've likely done.

[00:04:24]And this is the long, long email.

[00:04:28]You know the long, long email. In some cases, this can be the long, long text, but texting capacities are such that writing a really long text kind of goes on and it breaks into different texts and it's harder to read. But you know the long, long email. You sit down. You sit on it for days. You write it. It is the most eloquent thing you've ever written. There's lots of I just you you do a lot of disclaimers and you set it up. Like, I just need you to know from a place of respect and I see your point of view, but I want the opportunity blah, blah, blah. And you write this unbelievably important email and it's beautiful and it's honest and it's painful and it's your truth. And you support it with examples and dates and the whole nine yards. Frankly, I'm a professor and if I got that with some of these emails I've read from some people that they send to their partners, I'd give the damn thing an A. They're that good.

[00:05:26]But here's the problem.

[00:05:28]The motivation behind writing these long emails trying to explain your side of the story is so often because conversations with narcissists are very imbalanced. They don't listen to you. Classical things are they'll say, "Oh, I have ADHD. I I pay attention right now." Or they'll just sort of be looking at their phone, drumming their fingers, there's a lot of this, they're looking around. They don't listen or they interrupt you or they gaslight you and you can't get your words out. A lot of people will say when they're attempting to have a very difficult conversation with a narcissist where they're trying to make a point that they get so anxious and paralyzed that when the narcissist starts toying with them and gaslighting them they can't they can't even remember their train of thought. Sometimes will even have notes and the narcissist will make fun of them for having notes.

[00:06:21]The letter then feels like a place where a person believes, well, if I put it in a letter the narcissist will read it, they can't interrupt it cuz it's words on paper and they'll be able to read the whole thing and see the whole thing and they'll finally get it.

[00:06:40]Not going to happen.

[00:06:42]Because why if they have so much contempt for you?

[00:06:45]If they invalidate you, if they have no empathy for you or no respect for you, why all of a sudden would your written words become so interesting to them?

[00:06:56]And that they would read them and say, "Oh, is that what you were trying to say to me? Now I get it. Forgive me for being so unempathic. I should have heard you all along." They would have been able to hear you when you were speaking to them.

[00:07:07]Putting it in an email, and I'm not kidding you, I've known people who have literally stayed up all night writing these emails, 12, 14, 16 hours, wasted entire weekends, entire weeks, ruminated about it and put so much effort into these things.

[00:07:23]Giving a narcissist one of these emails is the equivalent of giving them a thousand rounds of ammunition.

[00:07:32]Because what they will do if they do respond to it, sometimes they'll go line by line and gaslight, deny or invalidate each point you made. or they'll send you a simple how sad and disturbed you are to believe this twisted reality and just flush the whole thing down the toilet.

[00:07:54]They may accuse you of wasting their time.

[00:07:57]They may not respond at all. And in many cases, one of the more common responses is that they'll get incredibly angry.

[00:08:04]How dare you? What's wrong with you? Is that all you do is keep a record of everything I've ever done wrong? Can't you remember the good stuff? And on and on. Exactly what they would have done if you had spoken to them.

[00:08:16]The hurt is the same. You might have even wasted more time.

[00:08:20]But pay attention to that pattern cuz everyone seems to think they can write that big, long, meaningful email. Back in the day it was a letter. That that person would read it. And that somehow they would get it. It just inflames the existing dynamic. I know at the beginning of the video I had to say sort of two and a half things. What I mean by the half thing is that we are now living in an age of videos and recording devices. Everyone's phone can record conversations, can take videos of of conversations. Now, this gets interesting because obviously this kind of documentation is a text message and an email. Those are actually much more meaningful. And if you're in any kind of legal proceeding like a divorce proceeding with someone, that might be more admissible. But a recording if it's not consented to is not.

[00:09:08]It's very, very tempting though. When you're in an argument with a narcissist who starts the usual stonewalling, gaslighting, contemptuousness, criticism, defensiveness, all the usual tricks.

[00:09:24]Once that starts, for you to pick up your phone and start making a video of how badly they're behaving. So you can show it to them later and show them, "Look at how badly you were behaving."

[00:09:37]Once again, this is sort of one more example that you're likely in one of these relationships that you feel compelled to record the conversation because you want them A to see how badly they're behaving. If they don't have insight on that while it's happening, trust me, they're not going to come clean about it afterwards. And you showing them a video of them behaving very badly at a later time is only going to fill them with tremendous shame.

[00:10:04]But secondly, if you try to take a recording, either an audio recording or trying to take a video recording, they're likely to just become incensed. In the most agitated cases, they may try to grab the phone, throw the phone, often they'll often they'll storm out.

[00:10:21]You need to again reflect on your motivation. Why are you recording this?

[00:10:24]Some people say I'm recording it because I actually feel like they say these things and then they deny them later.

[00:10:29]They're still going to deny them even with a recording and the way they'll deny it is getting so angry at you that you're overwhelmed by it. And then you're going or you get into World War III with them.

[00:10:39]Or people do it because they want to show it later on, again to the narcissist, to show them how badly they looked. Again, you're going to deal with an explosion. Some of you out there might say, "I don't care if there's an explosion. I don't care. I want to prove to them what happened."

[00:10:52]That's obviously your prerogative and you can do that. But is it going to cause a change in their behavior? No.

[00:10:58]Some people say the satisfaction of knowing that they saw it. They saw that they said that. They heard that they said that. They saw the text. That satisfaction is enough for that for the victim of that to heal. And if that's the case, if that's helping you with absolutely no expectation that it's going to change the narcissist's behavior, then by all means, you do what you need to do.

[00:11:23]But if you're doing it thinking that they're going to apologize, take responsibility, take ownership, or change their behavior, it's not going to happen and it can set you up for more and more unhealthy conflict because for people out there who don't like conflict, these kinds of events, the emails, the showing the texts, the taking the recordings, can often result in even more inflammatory conflicts that can be really destabilizing for people who find conflicts to be triggering and uncomfortable.

[00:11:52]Like I said, these aren't things that are going to often happen early in a relationship, but you might even be surprised even during the love bombing stage that as their narcissism starts coming in and seeping in that you'll start seeing inconsistencies, and you're studying their text messages trying to make sense of the inconsistencies.

[00:12:08]These patterns are also not just limited to intimate relationships. You can see them in relationships with parents, adult children, siblings, friends, anyone where the communication is really problematic and you feel gaslighted and confused.

[00:12:24]They're easy fixes, and these are things we didn't have 20-25 years ago when technology wasn't as present in our lives. Sadly, technology and the proliferation of it, one space that has also proliferated is the impact of toxic, difficult, and narcissistic patterns on all of us, and that technology is really allowed that to burgeon through social media, through the rapid, almost thoughtless way we use technology to communicate. And remember, those electronic records, while they may not make any progress with the narcissist, they may actually help you feel sane. And sometimes it even helps you if you are in therapy to bring that text, email, or even a recording into therapy. Many times I've had clients do that, bring that in, and I'll say, "Wow, this is really giving me a fuller picture of what's happening." And that that helps them sometimes say, "I don't know that I'm my description of doing this justice." Sometimes having something in writing that was written by that person can it help third parties understand the relationship a little better, too.

[00:13:21]>> What the heck is the difference between a healthy versus a narcissistic relationship? I've been in an unhealthy one for so long, I don't know the difference. So, let's begin with a dynamic that's probably never healthy, but let's break it down, which is insults.

[00:13:35]This is an easy one to begin with. Most of you are like, "Yeah, insults don't seem like a healthy part of a relationship." Cuz by and large, healthy relationships do not involve insults per se. Insults can be anything from a diminishment of someone's abilities, telling someone, "Yeah, you're a lousy cook. You're a terrible provider. You're the worst present wrapper I've ever seen." Whatever an insult would be. You might insult someone as a person.

[00:14:01]"You're the worst. I can't believe I have to be seen with you. Ugh, I can do better than you."

[00:14:07]Could be Insults could be about a person's appearance, a person's preferences, the list goes on and on.

[00:14:16]I'm not talking an insult Here's what I'm not talking about good-natured ribbing, like fun jabs at silly foibles, ranging from, I don't know, bathroom habits, like passing gas, to putting strange condiments on food. We know the difference. An insult has edge. It has a sneer. It has contempt. An insult is intended to harm.

[00:14:41]An insult Here I'm talking about devaluation, dehumanization, making someone feel less than. [music] It doesn't feel funny. You don't want to laugh. It leaves you feeling angry, hurt, not enough, and unsafe. That's insults.

[00:15:00]And insults, frankly, are the love language of the narcissistic relationship. It's about the narcissistic need to dominate, coupled with the contempt that narcissistic people feel for the people that they need. So, by insulting them, it limits [music] any kind of intimacy and any kind of vulnerability, And it also allows the narcissistic person to maintain [music] control, power, and dominance.

[00:15:29]Now, in a healthy relationship, insults aren't a thing. Good-natured good-natured ribbing, for sure.

[00:15:37]But those little good-natured, you know, little you know, playful jabs, [music] those work because a healthy relationship is a safe place. I will say the people closest to me joke about how I think ginger ale and a soak [music] in the bathtub are apparently the cure for everything, and that a grown woman of 55 [music] years of age should not be carrying a backpack and calling it a purse.

[00:16:01]And [music] I joke with the people who are very close and dear to me how they need to stop watching Lifetime [music] movies and considering a Lifetime movie to be a documentary. And those of you I'm talking about in my life, you know who you are. And we talk about it, and we know. It makes us smile and laugh, and we don't feel hurt.

[00:16:20]Many times people in narcissistic relationships who face down contemptuous, bleak insults, and that can be coupled with other abusive language like name-calling or lots of use abusive use of obscenities. Those folks will try to soft-pedal and say, "Oh, no, we only hurt the ones we love."

[00:16:39]No, we don't. Or people caught in these relationships will say, "That's just us being comfortable. In a relationship, you should be able to say anything."

[00:16:50]Not so sure about that.

[00:16:52]Over a lifetime of hearing insults, when that happens, it sort of seeps into our emotional DNA, and it transforms us.

[00:17:01]We become more accustomed to hearing them. We may even shape our identity around them and just accept those insults as a way that people interact with us.

[00:17:14]People who had narcissistic parents will say will say that a lifetime of insults >> [music] >> set them up to end up choosing narcissistic partners or to believe in the insults they hear or stay in jobs in which insults and abuse are part of the workplace culture.

[00:17:32]Insults are insults and [music] they are not observed in healthy relationships.

[00:17:38]In healthy relationships, we may have soft-hearted jokes and we may notice and comment and giggle about the foibles of the person we love with a built-in knowledge [music] that we love these people, we keep them safe regardless of their flatulence, their condiment choices, their ginger ale, their snoring, >> [music] >> their TV choices, and their kitchen skills. But if we were ever told it hurt them, we would stop immediately.

[00:18:06]Insults are psychological daggers. They hurt and when [music] we hear them, we feel a lump in our throats.

[00:18:13]If they are happening, it isn't healthy. Insults are not just [music] words, but insults can also include the tone of our voice when we speak to someone, our body language, frequent use of obscenities, and going after vulnerabilities. For [music] example, a person's weight, their appearance, or other sensitivities they may have. All of these are in the realm of the insult and not the good-natured and affectionate banter.

[00:18:40]When someone does and says these things and then tries to soft pedal it, honestly, I think that that's gaslighting.

[00:18:48]Contempt is the death of a relationship.

[00:18:52]The research of John Gottman has consistently shown that and insults are a primary means of communicating that contempt. And if you feel you have to stay in a relationship characterized by insults, always remember, don't justify those insults to yourself or rationalize them.

[00:19:13]As I've always told you, force yourself into the and.

[00:19:18]For example, I am in a relationship with a person and they regularly insult me. Why do I want you to do that? Because it creates a personal accountability for you and keeps you from falling too far down the cognitive dissonance well.

[00:19:35]Again, I'm never here to tell any of you to leave a relationship or stay in a relationship. I'm here to tell you what the geography is and give you the tools you need to navigate it.

[00:19:46]But to recognize that if insults are happening, it's never okay. Like I said, force yourself into the and. I'm in a relationship and I'm insulted. From there on in, you decide how you want to proceed. Stay in it, leave in it, set boundaries, but just don't justify it.

[00:20:01]What if you are the new relationship for someone after they split up with a narcissist?

[00:20:09]So, you understand what that is. So, somebody's met someone and they're you're the the next relationship somebody has after that person has left a narcissistic relationship, okay?

[00:20:19]This question is so interesting. I was surprised we'd never talked about it before, but we hadn't. And I know that some of you are in the situation and really want to understand it. In fact, if any of you were in the situation, drop it in the comments.

[00:20:31]It'll be interesting to see how many of you get this cuz some of you are in this relationship in this in this situation.

[00:20:37]You're in a relationship with a really nice person. And that person's last partner was a narcissist or had some other kind of antagonistic personality style.

[00:20:47]And you are watching how that ex-partner's toxicity is still making an impact on your partner or perhaps is taking a toll on your relationship and your new partner. So, let's take on the different ways this can manifest cuz it can affect a relationship in different ways. So, the number one way is that your new partner that you're dating or in a relationship with has children and is co-parenting with a toxic ex.

[00:21:12]This is such a difficult and at times a nightmare situation.

[00:21:17]As with all antagonistic personalities, narcissistic people do not like feeling that they've lost control, lost supply, or have been replaced. In fact, when a narcissistic person's ex-partner meets someone new, that's when it gets really messy.

[00:21:34]The narcissist becomes like a dog with a bone and will launch a campaign of triangulation, really bad boundaries, contempt, and vindication.

[00:21:44]And a whole range of things may happen.

[00:21:47]The narcissistic ex-partner may actually try to wheedle themselves their way in with you or make friends or allies with you as the new partner with the goal of triangulation and to be able to keep pulling the strings not only in your life, but obviously in their ex-partner's life.

[00:22:03]The children add a whole new level.

[00:22:05]Many people who meet a new partner after they leave the narcissist, and they meet they get they meet someone new, they'll find themselves being drawn back into court, facing an amped-up new set of custody issues.

[00:22:19]Like I said, narcissistic and antagonistic people do not like that sense of abandonment, and they have a primal fear of being replaced by somebody, including with their own children.

[00:22:31]Everything is a vindictive competition for them, and so the narcissist's ex finding someone new is a declaration of psychological war.

[00:22:41]It won't be unusual for the narcissistic ex to send you, if you were the new partner, text messages, emails, follow you on social media. At times it can feel like they're trying to craft a relationship with their new with the new person who's with their ex, and at others it can even feel menacing and creepy.

[00:23:00]The narcissistic ex may also create a sort of flying monkeys experience. For example, sharing terrible bits of information about the new partner that may not be true and about your relationship and sharing that with the parents of your children's of the children's friends or other people that you both may know so that your your ex is really getting in there and making a mess. And if you are the new partner, it can be exhausting to watch the impact it has on this person you're in a relationship with. The poor boundaries, the contempt, the rage, the push-pull of the custody battles. You may may make plans with this new partner and then have those plans have to watch those plans be dismantled because the narcissistic ex learns that the two of you are going to do something fun and wants to spoil it.

[00:23:49]It can be really difficult watching your new partner still having to endure the gaslighting, the invalidation, the dismissiveness, the taunts, the insults, the smear campaigns. The stress on your partner can actually take on a toll on the relationship as a whole and some people have ended these relationships because of this ongoing stress.

[00:24:12]You may deeply care about your new partner's children, but the narcissistic ex may make it all but impossible to craft a relationship with their children or you may even be too anxious to do so.

[00:24:26]And I have to say for good reason because if the narcissistic ex perceives you as having a warm relationship with those children, it will activate and trigger all kinds of feelings of abandonment and rage and entitlement that could be harmful for both the children and for you.

[00:24:49]The relationship can really feel like a toxic threesome with the children in the middle.

[00:24:54]And you You find yourself wishing away the years until your new partner's children turn 18, but I can promise you this, that mess won't be over then.

[00:25:04]You may still have to endure the narcissistic ex at graduations and weddings and holiday nonsense, and they may only get more vindictive and more difficult as the children emerge into adulthood because the narcissist will have lost the power of the courts and the lawyers and the custody threats as a way of threatening and controlling their ex and your relationship.

[00:25:30]So, what do you do?

[00:25:32]Frankly, it's and I know you hate hearing this, it's about realistic expectations, radical acceptance, and recognizing that the situation is probably never going to get better.

[00:25:42]But, it's also about how much your new partner is able to lay down boundaries with their ex, not over engage, and asking whether they are able to maintain realistic expectations themselves with their ex partner.

[00:25:56]It's also important that you're able to have clear lines of communication about this mess with your new partner. It's not going to fly if your partner says, "I don't want to talk about this part of my life."

[00:26:09]It's too big and chaotic a part of their life. So, if they try to cordon it off or keep trying to cater to the whims of the narcissistic ex, well, that's harming your life.

[00:26:18]Some people may recognize that they don't have the stomach for this toxic roller coaster, and while they may actually love their new partner, the stress of the narcissistic ex may pull them out of the relationship.

[00:26:31]It can seem unfair that a person's life is getting wrecked on an ongoing basis by an ex, but a narcissistic relationship is a bad gift that keeps on giving.

[00:26:43]But, only you know how much that you can endure.

[00:26:47]And often from a very disempowered position because you are caught in the line of vindictive fire and frankly are pretty limited in what you can do because it's your partner's ex.

[00:26:59]The number two situation is that you meet someone who has a narcissistic ex who has children and you have children, too.

[00:27:08]So, everything I just said but with a wrinkle because now you have your own children to manage and monitor.

[00:27:17]Now, while the narcissistic ex of your new partner has nothing to say about your children or they better not, they have plenty to say about their own.

[00:27:27]Narcissistic folks have no problems using anyone to get their egocentric agendas met including using their own children.

[00:27:39]They may turn to their own children to be spies to teach them to talk to your children and get information.

[00:27:46]And children, frankly, in their infinite innocence, they do share and they do talk.

[00:27:51]They may be unkind to your children if the narcissistic ex told them bad things.

[00:27:57]You may find your own children having to suffer with the scuttled and canceled plans because the narcissistic ex keeps making a mess of everything. Last-minute vacations or last-minute cancellations or other activities that all get thrown off.

[00:28:14]That sort of fantasy or hope of a successful blended family is simply not going to work if there's a toxic ex involved. They do not like the idea of people moving on without them. So, no, you will not be those folks who all take a big fun vacation together or have blended holidays.

[00:28:35]Now, for a minute, narcissistic people are self-righteous enough to think they're in involved enough to pull that off, but their personalities will not tolerate these mixes and blendings for long and once they start to crack, every holiday, every birthday, every vacation, and every special event will be ruined.

[00:28:54]Now, watching your partner suffer, especially if this is a long-term committed relationship with somebody who has a narcissistic ex or a new marriage, can really be painful for your children to witness, too.

[00:29:06]And leave them feeling powerless, helpless, and even scared, depending on the behavior of your partner's narcissistic ex.

[00:29:17]Again, what do you do?

[00:29:21]This is a personal opinion on my Dr. Ramani part, but I personally think your kids should come first. If being in proximity to the narcissistic or antagonistic ex of a new partner is not good for your children, then as much as you may care about this new person in your life, I think you really should do what you need to do to do to protect your children and do what's psychologically best for them.

[00:29:46]The third version of this is you have your own narcissistic ex, and then you meet someone who has a narcissistic ex, too. Now, you can easily see how this would happen and how it could even work.

[00:29:57]Nobody is going to understand this more than a person who has been through it.

[00:30:02]And as a result, this kind of relationship can actually feel quite supportive.

[00:30:08]The challenge is everything I've already been talking about in this video. Having to watch your partner endure the abuse from the ex, your partner having you having to watch you potentially endure abuse from your ex, and then so that mix of everyone having to watch everyone suffer, not so easy.

[00:30:25]And obviously, if there's also children involved, children can make this a lot more complicated for all the reasons I've also already said.

[00:30:34]Of all the mixes, in some ways, this version could work because both of you may have tremendous patience, empathy, and understanding for the situation the other one's in, but the chaos all around will definitely also take a toll on both of you.

[00:30:49]In addition, if you have a narcissistic ex, even if your narcissistic ex has quieted down, if your new partner's ex has not, then you yourself may find yourself really triggered and uncomfortable having to watch all of these patterns that you endured unfold again.

[00:31:07]And number four version is that you've met someone brand new. Like you're dating, you meet someone new, and they have a narcissistic ex partner.

[00:31:15]So, imagine this being really on the first weeks or months. You meet someone, and they let you know that they may be co-parenting with a narcissist, or were married and divorced from a narcissist, or have left a long-term committed relationship with a narcissist.

[00:31:32]You hear from them how difficult the relationship has been. You may feel empathy for what they are experiencing.

[00:31:39]You commit to communicating clearly with them, and just being your best self in this relationship. I'm going to be honest with you, you could probably bring your C game into a relationship with this person, with somebody who's coming out of a narcissistic relationship, and they're still going to think you hung the moon. But, be careful. Don't bring your C game. Bring your best self.

[00:32:01]It's going to be very painful to watch this new partner go through the BS they have to endure. And you will have to ask yourself if you want to endure the bad treatment from their ex, or watch your new partner endure this. So, let me tell you this, word to the wise on someone who's entering these one of these new relationships. Some people out there are out of these narcissistic relationships, and they're really out. Obviously, they cannot control their ex partner's behavior, but they're clearly resolved about being out. They aren't engaging.

[00:32:31]They may get pulled in more than they want because of things like children, but they don't spend lots of time talking or thinking about the relationship. They may just be a really nice person in a really crappy situation who's just committed to moving beyond it and working on a relationship with you.

[00:32:48]But in some cases, there are people with narcissistic exes who haven't fully let it go. They are still ruminating.

[00:32:55]They're still going the 15 rounds.

[00:32:57]They're still wasting time composing emails and composing texts and obsessing over their anger. In those situations, tread lightly. These people may be physically out of the relationship, but their head may still be caught in the toxic dance. And what that means is that they are not present with you. You may need to wait or let them go till they do get that all figured out.

[00:33:19]To be the next partner after a person has left a narcissistic relationship is an interesting mix of being with someone who frankly is probably so appreciative of a sane partner who may really be attentive to you in a way that only someone who's been through something as awful as narcissistic abuse can, but who also may still be stuck in a really stressful toxic situation that can be hard to witness, leave you feeling powerless and helpless, really disrupt the relationship, and may even get you stuck in the line of fire.

[00:33:56]I have worked with many, many people in this situation.

[00:34:00]And I got to tell you some of these folks I've worked with, they were with a narcissistic ex. They've been divorced for some cases 20, 30 plus years. Their kids are even in their 40s and stuff.

[00:34:12]And they're still dealing with this toxic merry-go-round.

[00:34:17]I think that for narcissistic people, it's it's as though their ended relationship still represents sort of supply that they can still sort of squeeze the last piece of bit of juice out of.

[00:34:27]And they really almost feel this constant sense of ownership over former partners most of the time. It's not every case, but it's a lot of the time.

[00:34:35]So, you may say, "Ah, they've been out of this relationship for 20 years. How much trouble could it still be?" It could still be trouble.

[00:34:42]I just think that what everyone needs to do is make sure that you're very aware cuz some folks might say, "Listen, we have a lot of empathy for each other cuz we've both been through this."

[00:34:51]And other people will say, "This is unbearable. I feel like everything I went through in my narcissistic relationship, I'm having to endure again. I may not be up to this." And children raise a lot of issues. But, I can promise you this, for many people who have If you're entering into a relationship with somebody who has a narcissistic ex, you really do have to either have the patience of Job or the subterfuge skills of a highly skilled spy to be able to make plans so the narcissistic ex can't find them out so they can't ruin them. It's an exhausting way to live.

[00:35:24]It's not to say that these relationships can't work, but it does mean the person who has a narcissistic ex really, really has to be committed to not engaging and having really, really good boundaries. I hope that answers that question. Thanks again.