Love Dorsey Breaks Down Why Standards, Boundaries, And Self-Awareness Matter Before Dating Part 1

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-27

[00:00:01]8136931882.

[00:00:03]I want to say this right. I was talking to somebody earlier. Um, and I was just talking about the concept of how we perform so much as people trying to make relationships work and then by the time the relationship is over or it does not work or you and the person are not aligned and y'all separate, you have lost yourself. And this go for male or female. It's not a woman thing. It's not a man thing. The whole idea is you're in a relationship.

[00:00:29]You're performing. You're not being yourself. You're trying to do [ __ ] to make the relationship work. And guess what?

[00:00:35]Now that you out of the relationship, you don't even realize that you don't know in this season what you like, what you don't like, um what you're trying to do with yourself. And some of y'all do this on a a a terrible level that has to do with spirituality. a terrible level that has to do with um your hobbies, your everyday habitual behaviors to the point where now you don't feel like you after the [ __ ] is over.

[00:01:01]If y'all on my stream, I'm streaming live on Twitch. Anytime y'all see me on here with the phone number p for y'all to call in. I'm live um streaming on Twitch. Call in if you have a relationship question. I appreciate y'all. All of y'all that showing love, don't call in unless you actually got a relationship question. If you don't got a relationship question, I love you, too. Thank you. You can give me my flowers on the IG live. Um I won't always be live on IG um when I'm doing these streams, but for the beginning until I build myself up on Twitch, I'll be live. Y'all will be added into the conversation.

[00:01:32]Somebody say, "I'mma just focus on myself and keep working." The idea is self-awareness. When people say focus on yourself, right? A lot of times they don't realize that means becoming aware of things that when you were in the relationship you saw in that mirror.

[00:01:49]Some of y'all have heard before that relationships put a mirror up. It puts you in a space where um you start to see parts of you um versions of you, character traits within yourself that you did not know um belong to you. And with that being said, when you get out of a relationship, this whole concept of like being by yourself and working on you, it does not work if you're not evaluating the real [ __ ] Y'all can call in if you got a relationship question.

[00:02:14]8136931882.

[00:02:19]I'm aiming to get my natural skin clear and smooth like I know that's right.

[00:02:24]I'm going have to share some of my uh some of my routine.

[00:02:32]I'm on Twitch right now. Somebody said, "Are you on Tik Tok?" Tik Tok. I am on Tik Tok. I'm on Tik Tok, Facebook, Instagram, Twitch, all that stuff.

[00:02:44]Facts. We see ourselves like what we need to correct and heal, right? You've been helping me sort out old family issues where I let myself down at, but thanks for the help.

[00:02:57]Absolutely. And keep keep doing you.

[00:02:59]keep working on you. Keep um pushing to be that best version of you. The goal uh what's up Twitch? What's up Twitch chat?

[00:03:06]What's up chat? However y'all want to say it. How whatever. However y'all want to call it. Let me see who on here. I'm sorry y'all. And I am going to finish my statement. Misha, I see you on here. Ry, I see you on here. Swood, I see you on here.

[00:03:20]I see y'all. I see y'all. I see y'all.

[00:03:23]But to go back to what I was saying um you know self-awareness when you when you are separating from something old and going into something new self-awareness transparency um with yourself though I seen somebody type something about transparency um when you are trying to become more self-aware and I just did a zoom on this right when you are trying to become more self-aware you got to be honest about the habitual patterns that you have within yourself the behavior behaviors that are behaviors coming from uh being triggered, behaviors that you have that you habitually uh act out that come from filling in deficiencies or voids, insecurities. And a lot of us don't like to be real that we have these things.

[00:04:06]Relationships will make you feel like the other person is doing something to you when really the relationship is revealing things about yourself that you need to confront. And so to get out of that uncomfortable feeling, we leave the relationship or we make the decision that the relationship is not for us. And of course, the feeling goes away cuz the mirror is not up. And then you sit dormant, quote unquote, working on yourself, but you really just going going and being alone. You sit dormant and then when you jump back out and date again, the same thing starts to happen.

[00:04:38]Somebody said, "Yep, keep getting hit with the with the three-piece." Y'all can call 8136931882.

[00:04:44]If you got a relationship question, that's 8136931882.

[00:04:57]Sis is right. I've been working on myself for some time now. Over. Now, here's the thing, right? When we talk about working on ourel, when we talk about being in a space where um you are trying to become a better version of yourself, you got to get in a space where you get to practicing. Right? A lot of people sit by their self. you think you're doing work because you might be reading stuff or just reflecting. Now, reflecting and processing is not the same thing. Uh processing what you've been through or what has happened in a relationship or where you come from. These things are are um layered, right? But when we talk about just reflecting, you can sit back and over a span of five minutes you can reflect upon something that has happened. That's not the same thing. And so when you process what has happened and you truly learn new tools and you better yourself, you then have to get out into the world, start back dating, meeting new people, putting yourself in new environments, and putting the [ __ ] uh into play, into practice. Like you got to actually go act this [ __ ] out.

[00:06:02]Somebody said, "Do I trust easily or keep up a barrier?" You're never supposed to be walking around with a barrier. Never.

[00:06:09]And I'll break that down, but it's never supposed to be that, right? You you are supposed to have what's called boundaries and standards. And that enough, that alone um will keep you in a space where what you attract, right, matches where you're at. But all because that comes from the frequency you vibrate on. But also, you'll be in a space where I don't have to worry about being taken advantage of. So I don't date or deal with people based on my worries, my anxiety, my fears, my insecurities, any of that stuff.

[00:06:38]Hey, it's love. What's your name?

[00:06:42]>> Donald.

[00:06:43]>> Donald. Donald, you got a relationship question?

[00:06:47]>> Yes, I do.

[00:06:48]>> Shoot it to me.

[00:06:51]>> So, one of one of the pet peeves I I always get was talking to u a woman wrong. you know, uh um if if if you left a relationship and you're starting a new relationship and you still realize you're talking to some of these women, um how is it that you can correct this type of stuff when the actions don't match the type of respect they supposed to be given?

[00:07:22]>> So, okay, you saying I need you to ask the question again, right? And you're saying, "I'm leaving a old relationship.

[00:07:29]I got these pet peeves and then what's the question past that?

[00:07:34]>> I got new pet peeves and I'm I'm I'm I'm talking to them but then they still finding me as being disrespectful or or coming off and as if I'm just using the wrong language type of stuff like >> Okay. So, so, so let me check to see if you tripping right. Tell me one of these new pet peeves that you got.

[00:07:58]boundaries u like okay the phone hang up or something like that and I'll be like okay well dang uh well I appreciate if you can make time to call me out this 30 minutes of the day like I'm making time to call you you know what I'm saying >> what you mean so first you said the phone the phone hangs up so are you saying like me and you on a phone call and we lose connection or I hang up or what or we just getting off the phone >> yeah lose connection all types of stuff but it's consistent happen type of thing. Again, it's not like a thing as if I dial you uh calling you back because I'mma call you back, but now once I see it's a thing of okay, well, they taking forever call me back or they'll text me. Oh, I talk to you the next day or tomorrow or something like that. It's like, >> so hold on. So, we on the phone.

[00:08:47]>> So, so get me right. We on the phone and for whatever reason I could be driving the phone lose connection and when it lose connection I don't call you back as the female.

[00:08:58]>> Most definitely.

[00:08:59]>> Okay. And then the next time we talk is when when you call me back the next day or whenever you >> Exactly. Or either call back and if I don't call back I get a text either that that night late later at night real late that night or the next day. Oh, how how you doing? and this list. You know what I'm saying? It's a respect thing. It's a boundary thing, too. You know what I'm saying?

[00:09:23]>> Have you ever called right back after the phone hung up?

[00:09:26]>> Most definitely. Most.

[00:09:27]>> And then what happened when you call?

[00:09:28]What happened when you call back?

[00:09:30]>> You get answers like my phone went dead or we lost connection >> and each time something different. You know what I'm saying? And it's just like, okay, well, this happened at least 10, 15 times since we done talked. So, it's like, you know, >> so let me ask you this. Let me ask you this cuz you know I like to ask questions. We don't make assumptions off bat. Is she a truck driver?

[00:09:54]>> No.

[00:09:54]>> Okay. Do she live in a in an area where the service is like always bad?

[00:10:01]>> Could be. I'm in the >> I'm saying has that but I'm what I'm saying is if that is true that would have been said. If this is happening multiple times it would have been cuz I've been places where you know I come here often and the connection is always bad. anybody that the call has dropped, you know, with me talking to them, I let them know, hey, the next time we on the phone, I'm going back in this area where the the signal bad, the phone might the call might drop. So, is that is there a certain her job or home where that's that area is bad? Has she communicated that?

[00:10:32]No, it is it's it's a communication problem is is is what I'm seeing because you know at times where they can be going to work, walking to work, you can hear them, you know, talking, but then again, I can reiterate, uh, well, I don't hear you and then I got to ask, can you repeat that? And that's repetitive. So, >> so I'mma keep it real. Either I'm going to keep it real. Either you dealing with either you dealing with women that don't really like you >> or you talking about stuff that is uninteresting them, right? meaning like either way, the what I'm getting at is the same for all these scenarios. But either you talking to women that they not really into you, they don't really like you, or you talking to to females that whatever you're conversating about is not really of interest and they probably getting distracted or another call coming through and they jump on that. Either way, um the the respect ain't there. And the third the third scenario is you dealing with somebody that truly is going in and out of areas with bad connections, but the fact that that hasn't been just said or the person doesn't turn around and call right back, the respect ain't there. And often times when we look like we're disrespectful to somebody, it's just because we don't like them. So now my question to you is where you meeting these women at? Like where you getting these these people from?

[00:11:51]I can't even say that. Um, you know, just just out and about, you know, uh, you know, uh, social greetings, you know, uh, online and, you know, just getting out and meeting people, you know.

[00:12:05]>> So, okay. So, you know, I talk about intentionally meeting people. Like, you know, I speak to men and women all the time where I talk about if you're going to places where people are generally there to just have a good time, like drink, get high, um, eyeball each other from a lust space, you're going to only attract a certain type of person. If you are just running into people during your day-to-day habitual routines and you're picking up women from that, chances are depending on what area you live in, they're not going to be of a higher standard than what you've been pulling before. So my question is, have you put some thought into showing up into rooms intentionally where there are higher quality women or women that are at least willing to be honest about them not being interested, not just perform you to be another [ __ ] in their phone or a [ __ ] that they just trying to see or a man that they trying to see what you what you willing to give or what you willing to do because things are very transactional nowadays. Like females will talk to [ __ ] they don't like to see how much they can get out of you.

[00:13:07]big facts and we as men do sort of same thing but I do it more on the source of conversation and just see where things are go. Uh but like you said, the intentional part is the biggest part out of all that, you know? Um >> yeah. Are you intentionally putting yourself in rooms where it counts? Like >> most definitely, most definitely. And I find myself in these high high level conversations and I be like, it's pressure because I'm not fully where I want to be. Um but at the same time you know um it it's workable and just working throughout these conversations with these uh high level you know what I mean women just I mean doing their things you know you trying to meet certain uh resistment when it comes to you know just you doing you and them doing them they still want to integrate lives and that type of stuff right there off top don't be uh Meaning you don't want to integrate your life with them yet because you don't have yourself together.

[00:14:14]>> Exactly. Exactly. But I'm mingling too at the same time.

[00:14:17]>> So I'mma I'mma tell you something, right? As a woman, and it's just you, if you on here, you know, um you know, I'm blunt with it, right? As a woman in this day and age, and I can speak for the majority of women, they lying if they disagree, right? Cuz this is just facts about what what we're experiencing.

[00:14:36]There is so much that is able to take up our attention with the internet and social media and things being pushed to be so transactional within our community and lustful within our community. Often times if you can't keep a woman's attention, right? You're going to end up either getting used or done how you getting done now where you just around for to be around. Meaning if I ain't doing nothing, I'll probably be on the phone with him. But if something else come up, uh, you know, I'm, like you said, hanging the phone up or acting like the call dropped, then moving on to something else. And if you were to try to check that, right, cuz from just a a basic level, I'm a man. This is not like cool, from a if you were to basically just, hey, I don't necessarily like this or how this how this goes. When the phone hang up and you not calling back, the girl going to tell your ass like you don't do [ __ ] for her pretty much. like what what reason do you have to try to tell her how to move with the phone or whatever. Now, I will say this one, boundaries and standards. I was just talking about this before you called.

[00:15:40]You need to have a certain standard for those type of women. So, whatever season of your life you in, as soon as a person starts to behave in a way that shows a pattern, like how you said multiple times, the call drops or the phone hang up, I don't get no text or no call back to way later on. As a man, your standards and your boundaries got to kick in, right? I don't do well with inconsistency. This is the boundary.

[00:16:02]Inconsistency makes me feel X, Y, and Z.

[00:16:05]And so, when a person shows me they're inconsistent, I pull back, right? You shouldn't be texting later on uh asking them what's up, if they phone dropped.

[00:16:14]And if they reach back out after that, you should have a certain standard for yourself. Otherwise, you just look easy like ain't nothing else going on. The other thing is when we doing relationships nowadays, social media can catfish the [ __ ] out of you with people's character. The telephone can catfish the [ __ ] out of you with people's character. And so what I mean by this is you can get in a space where you are so caught up in the phone conversations and this being the connection cuz like you said, maybe I ain't in a space where, you know, I can impress this woman or show up the way I want to and so I'm comfortable with the phone thing, right? That ain't a real relationship. That's not even a real connection. People can tell theirelves that, but it's not. And so, even if you don't have the finances or the the, you know, whatever it is you want to do for the woman, you still should create dates, spaces to to get in front of this particular woman, not just over the phone and cake. Do that make sense?

[00:17:10]>> Most.

[00:17:13]>> So, for me, even if you're not where you want to be at, you can still date. you can still um go out with women and it doesn't have to be and and again you would have to change where you're looking for females at because the average female you meeting at the gas station or out in the club is going to be looking for you to do something. Spin that [ __ ] show up with something. And if that's not the season you in in your life, you're looking for a woman with a little bit more substance.

[00:17:41]>> So, and Pete Pierce, >> go ahead.

[00:17:46]you know, uh, and and and and that's what it is. You know, it's a substance that I'm looking for. You know what I'm saying? Uh, when it come to overall, you know, wasting time when it come to just seeing how we grew up was wrong and just putting it in a certain, you know, uh, uh, corrective action. You know, I realize too as a man, it's smarter to just step all the way back and get you right. Get as as we all talk about, get the basics fully aligned. But at a certain point, it's it's >> it's like you do become lonely as a man.

[00:18:20]You do become lonely. You can't listen.

[00:18:22]You can't you you know if you have a a >> realistic timeline of getting yourself together to where it's not going to turn you into this introverted inward character as a man, embracing loneliness as some sort of struggle cuz you a man and can't feel and you know I'm only really stepping out to get my rocks off or watching porn to be able to you know get my fix or you know whatever. If you're if realistically, right, it's not going to be some long drawn out process.

[00:18:53]I can stay by myself and get me together, right? That is very smart.

[00:19:00]Human beings, male or female, we are wired to socialize. There is a part of us that you're going to be from the inside naturally drawn to the idea of uh socializing, especially with women if you're a heterosexual male. And so what you have to be aware of is am I wasting the females time which is the frequency I'm vibrating on which is attracting females that waste my time. And what I mean by that is again when you get caught up in the phone relationships where now you've made it this thing right that we talk to each other and we stay on the phone. Go ahead. What' you say?

[00:19:37]>> I said I'm wasting my time and theirs.

[00:19:39]>> Yes. You're wasting your time and theirs, right? And so the idea is as you interact, even in this season of building myself up as a man, am I wasting this other person's time or not?

[00:19:50]And there are a lot of men in our community that they don't like to be honest about that. They do a lot of talking. They do a lot of caking on the phone. They do a lot of wanting to get to your house or you come to their house to [ __ ] But there isn't much past the lust they have to offer. or the phone conversations turn into sharing each other's problems from a space of now you're getting advice or the man is volunteering advice on how to solve your issues when he don't even have himself together. And often times if a man is getting [ __ ] from a woman and giving her advice on how to fix certain things in her life, he becomes invested in that. And so then the goals that you said that you were working on the the progress you were trying to make while still dating becomes a backseat to you putting this woman first in your life.

[00:20:35]And you know like in my book club we're uh we're reading a particular book that talks about relationships and women for a man does not become uh or is not supposed to be um more important in your life than purpose.

[00:20:50]>> Big facts.

[00:20:51]So, you got to kind of ask yourself, you know, what what am I bringing to these dating situations? There's nothing wrong with dating, but what do I actually bring? Am I wasting these women's time?

[00:21:03]>> Big facts. I appreciate that. I appreciate that >> for sure. I appreciate you calling in.

[00:21:08]Um, anytime you see me live with the phone number up, I'm streaming. Call in.

[00:21:12]We can definitely chop it up. I'm taking questions on relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day.

[00:21:17]>> Thank you.

[00:21:19]Y'all can call in if you got a relationship question. 8136931882.

[00:21:24]Some of y'all you you very quick to um judge people, right? But in all reality, any of us with the technology and things that are allowing us to be able to talk and connect with people without actually being in front of them can get you caught up in being so interested in a person that you don't realize this is a waste of time because we really are not penetrating. We are not getting to know each other.

[00:21:54]813 um 6931882 if you got a relationship question. Let me see some of y'all comments.

[00:22:06]Somebody said, "Now I can say some women do respect intelligent men, but if y'all doing if all y'all doing is spending money and laying pipe, then it won't last.

[00:22:22]Let me see. I'm just seeing how cuz some of y'all was women with short attention span. Nope. Like we in a day and age where there's a lot of distractions. It ain't necessarily somebody having ADHD.

[00:22:33]I see y'all in the chat on Twitch. Um and I appreciate it. Bougie Bay Hawk Heft, I see y'all.

[00:22:40]Hey, it's Love. What's your name?

[00:22:43]>> Oh, I don't want to give my name. I'm in the book club and I >> like we ain't like we ain't going to recognize your voice. What's your relationship question?

[00:22:52]>> As a >> you know I know y'all by voice but what's your question?

[00:22:58]>> I know you do. I just wanted to ask cuz I'm in newly dating and you know I'm a pastor and I don't want to talk about church and he keep making me feel like I got to preach but I want to talk about something else and what's the best way to get him you know cuz I try to change the conversation but then he comes back with the same you know come right back to the Bible and I want to get to know him.

[00:23:22]So, do you let me ask you this, do you think that he um talks about um the Bible more because you are a pastor or do you think that is naturally what was going on in his life or intentionally what was going on in his life prior to getting with you?

[00:23:40]>> I mean, he go to church, but I I don't know cuz I asked him I said, "You asking me this to get to know me better?" He was like, "No, I'm just asking you about the Bible." it. And when you ask me that, it kind of I don't want to preach to him. I want to I don't want to do I don't want to feel like I'm preaching to him. I want him to get to know me, not the pastor.

[00:23:59]>> So, we as So, Adrian, let me say this, right? We as people in general, we test each other, right? So, if I come in and you're dating me and I'm a pastor or I'm a specialist in a certain area, like him asking you questions about spirituality or the Bible or God or Jesus, it may be to test the the uh authenticity of who and what you say you are.

[00:24:25]>> Oh, yeah. He did because he keeps saying, "Oh, you know, so much about the Bible. Oh, I'm learning so much from you." And I'm trying to change the subject a little because I want to get to know him.

[00:24:37]>> He some of those things again he may >> he's just like in awe. He's like in awe cuz he say he ain't never dated a female pastor. He you know he don't know how it is. So I thought that was cool. But I've been talking to him for almost a month now and it seemed like I could we could be talking about I could be asking him about himself and he tell me about stuff and then he'll go right back to the Bible and then I'll answer his questions and stuff and I don't want to preach. So I change the stuff to something else.

[00:25:02]Then we'll talk about that for five minutes and he go right back to the Bible, you know, and I I just don't know if you know cuz I I think him already.

[00:25:10]Are you trying to see? because he think I'm like been to this school and that school and you know he really is like fascinated and I know that he is but I also want to know him.

[00:25:22]>> So let me say this. Are y'all on the phone a lot? Like I just went over with Dom.

[00:25:28]>> We on the phone maybe every day but we done been on like six dates.

[00:25:33]>> Okay. I'm I'm saying this. Okay. So, my advice would be to find out what his interests are and y'all talk about planning some dates that have to do with things that he's interested in or just talking about doing some activities that require y'all to get active, not just sit at a across from each other at a table and talk or be on the phone. So, often times we do dates we've been doing. I've been going out with him.

[00:25:56]That's how I meet up off the subject trying to see what he like and getting to know him cuz I didn't been everywhere he like to go. We done been watching the games and everything cuz he like to do that. We've been to several different places like that. He like to go eat soul food. So I didn't been going a lot of places that he like trying to get to see if I can talk to him about that. You know what he likes, you know, just to get it off of I ain't saying that he can't ask me about the Bible. And I don't know what he gonna ask me. But it's I didn't want to make it all about that, you know. I want to get to know him. I want to see what make him laugh.

[00:26:29]You know, what make him mad, you know, stuff like that. get our conversations to be about the Bible.

[00:26:35]>> So if you're already planning things that require y'all to like not just be sitting somewhere talking, you doing good on that part. Now you just need to be honest with him.

[00:26:46]>> Oh, okay.

[00:26:47]>> You just need to be honest that I would like to know more about you and I would like to take a step back from the Bible talk or questions for me as a pastor and get to know you as a man. And if he's truly interested, this will actually be something that is a big plus for him as a man. Because oftent times, like I was telling Dom, we in a day and age, unless you dealing with a woman of sub substance, most of these women only care about what can you do for them or their current situation.

[00:27:16]>> Okay. Yeah, cuz he real interested. meet him and you know he he called me and we don't talk that long on the phone you know maybe about an hour or so but then we making dates you know we be meeting up just for just the drink he drink coffee I drink tea and we just sit there about 30 minutes and he go his way I go my way and we laugh and talk so we've been doing that you know but I just didn't want I didn't want to feel like I'm preaching to the man you know what I mean >> I definitely understand >> but I get it I get it because he even said that he said I'm getting to know you real good cuz I beat him at pool, you know. I ain't trying tried to let him win, but he was suck, so I won. But uh yeah, so we've been doing the things that he like to do, but I just didn't want to make it, you know, like as if I'm preaching to the man, you know.

[00:28:02]>> Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I would just at this point, I would be honest with him that you want to take some time to get to know him so that all of y'all conversations don't lead back to just that, >> right? Okay. Okay. Thank you.

[00:28:15]>> I appreciate you calling in.

[00:28:18]I appreciate you.

[00:28:21]>> Y'all can call in 813693 um 18882. Relationship questions. I'm telling y'all, as y'all call in, be I am going to ask y'all be mindful if you calling something a relationship and the majority of y'all connection is over these devices. I'm telling y'all, it ain't a real connection like you think.

[00:28:38]It's not.

[00:28:41]Hey, it's Love. What's your name?

[00:28:44]>> Hey, love. This Misha. Hey Misha, how are you?

[00:28:49]>> I'm good. How you doing?

[00:28:50]>> Good. So, what's your relationship question?

[00:28:54]>> Um, I want to know how can you get back into the space of restoring vibes?

[00:29:02]>> So, you know, when you hear me talk about restore the vibe, right? When a relationship has gotten to a space where, yeah, we still love each other, yes, we are together, or we can be on one of these fake breakups. You know, when you hear me talk about restorative vibe, you have to get back in a space of liking one another. Like determines how a person is going to treat you while in the relationship. Love makes us tolerate. It makes us endure. It makes us uh do a lot of positive things, but a lot of things that can uh cause you to lose self as well or just get into a space of habitually um performing or coping with whatever state the relationship is in. So, you know, when I talk about restoring the vibe, this is starting over with the dating. Meaning, we take whatever problems that we are at odds on, whatever conflict, and we just set them to the side. And you have to be in a space of truly wanting the relationship to work to do this. This is the part that people kind of forget, right? Both people have to want the [ __ ] to work for this to be attractive. But we will get in a space where we are now dating. We're just creating new memories, right? so many that we're drowning out all these old negative conversations. And so, you know, wherever we like to go eat, whatever activities we like to do, adding some new ones, you're literally starting over as if you're getting to know uh each other again. The other thing is you have to consider as you go into this space, Misha, of restoring the vibe. How much have we changed? Because sometimes I give people this advice of, you know, working on the relationship by restoring the vibe. Set the problems on ice. Go back to redating one another. and they realize as they try to go date, new stuff comes up. That's a problem in regards to them aligning. Meaning, we have grown and we're no longer on the same page about what we are interested in. So, you got to make sure you and whoever you're dating still have an upto-date understanding of what your interests are. I'm pretty sure like, how long you been in a relationship?

[00:30:56]>> Well, it's my husband. Um, we've been married a year.

[00:31:01]>> We dated before we got married. We dated for uh three years and then prior to that we were friends. So we've been knowing each other since 2017.

[00:31:11]>> Okay. And I'm pretty >> we're about to it's about to be two years uh in September.

[00:31:15]>> I'm pretty sure since 2017 or even two years ago, you are not interested in the exact same things that you were interested in. I'm pretty sure the stuff that two years ago or since 2017 that used to give you butterflies or made you excited about intimacy or the relationship is not exactly the same.

[00:31:33]And so it would be the same for him.

[00:31:35]>> And so when you talk about restoring the vibe, y'all need to go into a space where we are truly interested in asking questions and concerned about what is it that you like? What is it that you like?

[00:31:48]What is it that you're into? What is it that I'm into?

[00:31:53]Do you understand what I'm saying?

[00:31:54]>> That's um Yeah. And that's the space um that we've been in the past month. But for me, I um I try to stay in the space like when we on the date, I try not to get into my head to want to ask questions outside of just, you know, trying to enjoy each other in the present moment, you know, without bringing up the relationship uh issues or whatever the case may be.

[00:32:23]>> Right? But I'm saying get in a space where cuz even a year after marriage your cuz there is what we believe the relationship was going to look like when we first got married. You had a wedding, you go to the courthouse, whatever you did and you have all these bubbly feelings and goals about what your relationship is going to be. And then when you fast forward a year later, a lot of those things are not what it looks like. It did not come to fruition what you wanted. And so now you got to get in reality, look at what it is that we're actually working with and start from there, >> right?

[00:32:58]>> Do do you do you genuinely understand what I'm saying?

[00:33:00]>> Like he's >> Yeah. He's not the same person, you know, he was when I first met and the same for me. I'm not the same, you know, woman he it was when he met, you know, met me.

[00:33:12]Mhm.

[00:33:14]That means that your interest and the things that you I'm pretty sure like because you're in my book club, you've learned a lot. And so with the new things that you've learned, I'm pretty sure you have a different vision for what you want your adult life to look like in the next 5 to 10 years.

[00:33:29]>> These things may be very different from what he wants. And then depending on what season you guys are in right now, romance changes. Like a lot of people don't like to talk about this, but the act of sex is sex. But then there is the concept of um there is a concept of being in a space where used to turn me on and the dates that I used to want to take you on the things they looked like this. But now that we have confronted the reality of our finances looking like this, I ain't so turned on the way I was before. I'm not in a space uh that I was in before about the relationship or going out spending money. And so this may make you feel like I'm not romantic anymore. Vice versa, if you've had children or if y things have changed about you as a woman hormonally, uh, mentally, right, you get in a space where now the things that used to excite me don't excite me anymore. Can you relate to what I'm saying?

[00:34:21]>> Yeah, definitely. I was about to say we definitely can relate to that. I know he can, too. Um, that's what it was. And this book that we reading, it really helped me understand a lot of things as far as like him being in the the season that he in and knowing the season that he in and understanding that his purpose comes before the relationship, >> you know, but prior to us even reading the book, I didn't I understood it, but I really didn't understand it. And so it made he knew this, but to me it felt like you was neglecting me. you didn't want to um you didn't necessarily want to go on a date or you know be in this space and it was like it was to him it's like baby it's not that it's like I I know what season I'm I'm in and what I'm trying to work towards and that's it's not to try to take away from you or you know or not saying that I'm not living up to my commitment or anything it's just my focus is on this so yes I have to you know compromise or take a a um put a backseat on us doing you know a lot of the things that we used to do in order for me to get to the stage to where I want I need to be financially you know create the stability so that we can you know do this on a regular like we are but if I'm not where I want to be as a man then my mindset like this whole art process and everything is be thrown off and >> it sound but I'mma tell you Nisha I don't mean to cut you But it truly sounds like y'all need to add in some weekly check-ins because if you're in a marriage, right, as y'all seasons change, as a man shifts his purpose or gets more into it or decides uh that certain things need to be different about how he's going about his purpose, even if he's not changing the direction, this is something that you're supposed to be in tune with as his woman because you guys are supposed to be doing life daytoday together. So, there needs to be these check-ins weekly where you sit down and you really listen. As women, a lot of us have a problem listening to our man, right? And what I mean is, it's not that we don't hear them. It's not that we don't understand the words that they're saying, but we have to take it for what it um what is being said, what it is, but also look at how it affects what we want. A lot of times we will listen and hear what they say. I heard you. I can repeat it back. I was listening. But then there's this concept of active listening and processing what I heard. So I have my things that I want as a woman, the stuff I need from this marriage, the things that I'm looking forward to, and then there is me listening to you from an active space and processing that and evaluating and making compromise and changing certain things about what I want based on what I heard from you.

[00:37:16]>> You see what I'm saying?

[00:37:17]>> Yeah. And so often times we we get away from having the check-ins to stay up to date about what's going on with one another.

[00:37:27]And really when what this looks like is a meeting between you and your spouse where y'all sitting down and we're talking about okay the area of finances, the area of romance, the area of um the housekeeping, like our safe space. What needs to change? What do we need to add?

[00:37:42]What needs to be fixed? What doesn't?

[00:37:43]What energies needs to be changed up in here?

[00:37:47]diet, health. As we look at what we're trying to accomplish, what can we change about our eating habits? What is he interested in changing? What am I interested in changing? What are we actually capable of changing?

[00:37:59]>> Yeah.

[00:38:01]>> Do you understand what I'm saying? I think that if y'all add that, you can get you can get back in tune with like, okay, as we cuz you may be thinking we need to restore the vibe because the intimacy is stale or the energy is stale. just the excitement may not be there. Um, and he may just be locked in on certain things as a man that he's trying to fix and you're just viewing it from a woman's space and he's at it from a man's space.

[00:38:28]>> Yeah, that's definitely what it is. And then another thing too um I had to realize is that my focus was so much in on the relationship to where I was slacking off on the things that I needed to do. So if I'm truly, you know, in on my goals and the things that I had set my routine um that I had for myself, like I had stopped all of that going to the gym. I wasn't going to the gym as much as I was um because I was so focused, you know, on getting the relationship to back to where. that if I was, you know, like I said, still locked in on my goals and stuff, it wouldn't take the relationship wouldn't take up so much, you know, of my focus and time and trying to make sure that, you know, things are >> are good because if he's doing what he's, you know, he's working on what he needs to work on and I'm working on what I need to work on, then we come together.

[00:39:25]>> I think that's where where I miss the >> and you need to stay in your role. Like often times as wives and girlfriends like you could do too much. And what I mean by do too much, I'm talking about mentally meaning you're overworking yourself mentally thinking that you need to insert yourself in these areas to like make the marriage work or you know make things get in that energy that you're looking for. But truly, if you just focus on being in a feminine space, handling the things that y'all have made agreements that are your responsibility within the relationship, and y'all have those weekly check-ins where we sit down to actively listen to one another and process what we heard the other person need and want based on what we need and want, and see how we can collaboratively get these things done. you can make um like so much light from a dim or dark space in your relationship.

[00:40:18]>> Yeah. Yeah. I I definitely could understand it.

[00:40:22]>> Yep.

[00:40:23]>> So, I appreciate you calling in. That was a good question.

[00:40:27]>> Thank you.

[00:40:28]>> You're welcome, honey. Y'all can call in 8136931882.

[00:40:33]I'm taking relationship questions only.

[00:40:35]Um I'm looking at y'all in the chat.

[00:40:40]Just reading y'all comments as I'm listening to them talk.

[00:40:50]That definitely was a great call. She had a good question. There are a lot of people in relationships and it doesn't even have to be marriage. You may be in a relationship where you know we are a year or two in and you know we're trying to or I'm trying to make this work from a space of you know we try to keep the vibe or the energy the same as when the relationship first started instead of embracing that [ __ ] is different.

[00:41:12]If y'all on my stream I'm streaming live I'm streaming live on Twitch. Anytime you see me on Instagram or Facebook with the phone number posted that means I am streaming live on my Twitch account. Um, eventually I will only be doing this type of uh content, taking phone calls on Twitch. So, if you don't have Twitch, you should download the app and follow me. It's love Dorsy. Um, if you do, you should find me on Twitch and tap in as much as you possibly can. 8136931882.

[00:41:39]I'm definitely going to keep it real um when you call in. And, you know, I like to collect the full aspect of the situation before just judging. So, some of y'all need to take um note of that cuz y'all be so quick to comment something negative about what somebody's saying. And really, you got to understand the full point they're trying to make and what their intentions are, like what they truly want. There's questions that people ask and then there is always intent or some sort of motive behind why they ask what they ask.

[00:42:11]Yes, I go live on YouTube from time to time. Not as much as Instagram, not as much as Facebook, and definitely not going to be as much as Twitch.

[00:42:19]Hey, it's Love. What's your name, honey?

[00:42:24]>> Hey, it's Love. What's your name?

[00:42:27]>> It's Frank.

[00:42:27]>> Oh, what's up, Frank? You got a relationship question?

[00:42:32]>> Yeah, it's pretty much about me. just and just dating and being outdoor and like dealing with something that is different when you're used to doing everything on your own and not not really sabotaging or I'm going to say probably it seems like it I could be >> I was going to say call it what it is self-sabotaging >> and it seems like the feeling ain't there and it's like you I'm always all right.

[00:43:09]>> So, >> it's just like if if somebody want to help you with something like, "No, I'm good. Hey, your back hurt? No, I'm straight."

[00:43:19]>> So, okay. So, I'm going say this, right?

[00:43:21]one, as a man, if you have spent a good majority of your life um not having a standard for yourself because you have these uh self-esteem or self-worth deficiencies. And this is just me talking about your inner child, not you as a grown man, right? Uh we a lot of times we don't go through our day-to-day life thinking about the fact that we're two in one. There's the inner young man, young boy Frank, and then there is the grown man Frank. And the idea is the deficiencies and the insecurities and the self-worth things that haven't been confronted with the little boy will show up in the man when it's time to set the standard as you deal with women and your fellow man out in the world. And so we talk about relationships often times you see men self- sabotage because internally right their inner child does not believe that they actually deserve a better life. No one has ever validated that the young boy inside is actually worthy, valuable, um, necessary, and that the feelings are relevant and acknowledged. And men often times suppress, which me and you have talked about that before. You suppress those feelings inward. And you don't realize me suppressing the feelings and not acknowledging them, taking the time to process them, asking myself why, right?

[00:44:39]Why do I feel this way? I'm really just pushing that inner child, that little boy off to the side. Like, I probably was done when I was a little boy. Most of the time in our community, black boys get told how to feel or not to feel. So now you grown and you doing that inner little boy the same way you got done, right? When you set standards for yourself as a man, it validates your inner child. It shows that we are worth the things that we said we were worth.

[00:45:06]So let me ask you this. What standards do you have for a relationship with a woman?

[00:45:12]>> For for self or just a relationship itself, >> Frank, of course, for self?

[00:45:18]>> For self. Look, that's a like that question right there. I've thought about that a lot and it's like I haven't been in anything to where I've been asked a question like, you know, what has a woman done to cater to me? And I was like, [ __ ] I don't know.

[00:45:35]>> Right. But see how you going back to look you see how you I'm asking you >> but that's all that's all I that's all I got to go off.

[00:45:42]>> No listen listen listen listen cuz I I love that this happened. Right. You just made my point. I'm asking you what's the standard for today? The man Frankie is today. What is the standard? If I was a woman or if it's women on here that were interested in dating Frank, what's the standard? You went back to evaluate what you did or didn't get in the past. those insecurities, those deficiencies, the way you were cheated treated in the past. Set the standard for yourself as a man today. If there was a female out there right now that said, "hm, I'm interested in him." What's the standard?

[00:46:17]What what what is the qualifications?

[00:46:21]What are the qualifications? Excuse me.

[00:46:24]>> My qualifications for for me right now is to be down to earth. um not overly serious about everything.

[00:46:34]Have a relationship with yourself that that you actually know about yourself to where where you can tell anybody about you.

[00:46:43]Not really operate in that that um representative zone to where I can get to know you cuz that's what I'm coming with. Um >> not be combative.

[00:46:58]Everything is is an argument. It's just not your way, it's the highway.

[00:47:04]Um, a nurturer.

[00:47:08]If you especially if you're a mother, like be a be a nurturer. Be understanding.

[00:47:14]>> Okay. So, Frank, I'mma ask I'm going to start over. I'm going ask the same question. The things that you said aren't bad, but I want you to get personal about what you actually look for or want in a woman. And I'm I will start it off right. I want you to be uh direct about how the woman has to be with you cuz you naming good qualities of a woman in general, right? How does she need to treat Frank?

[00:47:43]>> Oh, respect.

[00:47:45]>> I need respect. I need understanding on what her intentions is because my intentions is pure.

[00:47:55]Um, nice. What What What does being nice mean here?

[00:48:01]>> What What you Me and you have had these conversations. Even when you said respect, what does that mean? What does taking care of Frank look like? And I'm asking this I'm I'm phrasing this the way that I am because you may not even know on this phone call. Like, what does taking care of Frank look like? What does a helpmate to Frank look like? What does a woman that is truly at the standards that Frank is looking for, what does it look like? Cuz you can sit here and say she got to be respectful.

[00:48:35]She got to be loyal. She got to know herself. She got to These are just general statements that I'm not saying they're not true, but do you actually know what it looks like >> to be able to say when I'm when I'm receiving this this is this >> um only thing I can say to that is when I'm receiving different because other than that I've been taking care of myself or I've been just accepting and whatever I don't like at that time right there I speak up on that. You see how we back where the conversation started?

[00:49:08]>> Yep.

[00:49:14]>> I don't think that you know how you want to be treated. I don't think that you uh know what you want out of a woman in regards to her energy and demeanor towards you. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[00:49:30]Most definitely.

[00:49:31]>> And I think you going to have to actually you're going to have to decide that as a man.

[00:49:40]>> Regardless of whether you've got it before, so let me use myself as an example, right? When I look at the standards I have for how I want to be treated, I can describe to you what I want done as a man gets to be in my personal space or around me. You should be able to describe that besides being your type. What does a woman need to have going on as far as how she treats you, how she is with the energy with you in order for her to be able to stick around?

[00:50:11]>> And it ain't it it's deeper, but it ain't meaning like you could you could take this question and overthink it. But I could a a man that's out here actively dating and he knows how he wants to be treated because he has set a standard regardless of whether anybody else agrees. He knows this is what I want.

[00:50:29]This is what I like. This is what you know I want to feel. He will be able to describe to you what he's looking for in a woman as far as treatment, not just general qualities.

[00:50:42]Do you do you understand what I'm saying or you want me to give you some examples?

[00:50:46]Uh, give me some examples.

[00:50:49]>> So, I'm Frank, right? And these aren't Frank's standards, but I'm just going to be frank, for example, and take a shot at setting some standards, right? So, I want a woman that when I'm off work and I come home, she cooks for me and she's taking account of the type of meals that I like and she prepares them based on wanting to feed me what I like. I'm looking for a woman that she notices, right, without me having to come out and say that I'm not in the best energy and she can lay on the extra femininity past what is already there based on just being attentive to me as a man in my moods. I'm looking for a woman that if I get it wrong, right, I want someone that can say to me in words, direct what is wrong or what I did wrong or what they would like me to do different rather than just show up with feelings and attitudes and resting [ __ ] faces and certain energies for me to figure out on my own that something is wrong and then question you. You catch my drift on this? I can describe right the type of treatment meaning by the time I get done >> if there were a group of women listening they would have an idea of whether they could truly date me or not >> I get done >> I got you I I get what you're saying cuz like those things right there that you named off like it's the things that I've been through within relationship while not knowing about relationship just knowing what to do at a certain time when it comes to the stand up portion because I wasn't raised in that that type of environment. Then when I come to uh start to work on self, you don't really think about those things. You know what you you don't like but you actually don't know what you need, you know? And >> but see when you when you're truly working on yourself, Frank, when you are truly working on yourself, you do know what you need. That's how you find out what you need.

[00:52:48]when you are when you are becoming more self-aware as a man when when I realize as a man I look back at my previous relationships right the worst came out of me as I dealt with women that behave like X Y and Z so that lets me know I need a woman that does not behave like X Y and Z. I also need some sort of strategies or tools to approach women different that behave like X Y and Z in case this comes up while I'm dating. Do you see what I'm saying? So, you know, if I don't deal well with a woman like I just described that when I'm when I've done something wrong as a man because men will do stuff wrong, you will [ __ ] up. I don't care how good of a man you think you are in that woman's eyes, you will do some [ __ ] that is distasteful or she may take it as disrespect or not favorable or not romantic or whatever it may be. Right? If you know in the past I don't do well with the women that don't come out and say what the [ __ ] is up.

[00:53:47]They just kind of give you an attitude or get distant or you feel the cold energy or you rub on their back and they won't give you no [ __ ] and this when you realize you did something wrong. If that puts me in a space where I go in my head, then I start trying to have these uh oh deep serious conversations with them and it doesn't go well or we start arguing or things go left, I know that I have to stay away from the women that don't know how to articulate their needs. So that would be a standard of mine, a woman that's comfortable in communicating with me when I mess up.

[00:54:17]Yeah, that's definitely one of one of the differences right there.

[00:54:24]>> Do you get what I'm saying?

[00:54:27]Yeah, I feel I feel everything that you're saying because like I said, it's not it's not really been on the everyday thing because I know you and I have talked a lot about different things and you know just me getting out of I think that's that portion of me getting out of father mode you know because that's all I ever did was was working and daddy you know and then when it comes relationship be something mediocre or some [ __ ] like that >> cuz you keep if you even listen to you talking you keep going back to what you did not have to how things were in the past to what [ __ ] looked like or what it was before. That's where your conversation go back to.

[00:55:04]Meaning, you don't have an attraction to talking about what you deserve right now and the type of women that you want to deal with moving forward. You keep going back to what it was.

[00:55:18]>> So, just just sit and just think about the past things that I've been through.

[00:55:24]The to compare a list of things for just a version of me right now going forward, the things that I'm working on that's going to benefit me in a way that a woman can actually add to my life on what it is that I'm doing and I can add to her.

[00:55:40]>> Yep. Or or just even as a man, right, if I'm building right now, right, I I am adding to my life. So, I don't necessarily need a woman to come in and add anything extra. I just need her to be able to complement what I already have going on. The [ __ ] that I'm already u polishing the skills to manage and maintain if that makes sense.

[00:56:06]>> I definitely got it.

[00:56:07]>> I think that you need to spend some time really looking at what are my current standards.

[00:56:11]I can I can process and think about the things and reflect upon what I've been through in the past, but it needs to land me in a relevant space for what I want right now. Otherwise, you're going to continue to just run through different dating relationships and overcommit yourself and realize that it's not fulfilling to you. It may be fulfilling to them, right? Because if you're a good man, if you're a man that's helpful and useful and masculine, you will continue to solve and do and insert yourself in their lives to fix things all while ignoring the needs of your inner child and what is necessary for you as a man to continue to be attracted to that. And often times, Frank, when y'all date and you're in a space like you in, you will leave relationship after relationship and the woman will be confused because you've been so helpful. The sex may have been good, but yet you are not truly interested in long term with that particular woman. Also, I'm going tell you this. When you run across a woman that truly is in that helpmate category, she will care about you talking about uh certain things that you require.

[00:57:14]So, >> meaning she may initiate the conversation for those things. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[00:57:22]>> Oh, yeah. I definitely understand that 100%. That's the whole purpose on why why I call you like just knowing knowing me better and just still continue to dive into self and know more about self and what self need and how I work towards uh greatness for for myself.

[00:57:40]>> Definitely, it was a good question. And I feel like the answer and what you asked is is not just something for you, but there were other people on this live that could benefit from that. So, I appreciate it.

[00:57:50]>> Oh, most definitely, love. We'll be talking again >> for sure.

[00:57:54]For those of y'all that's called in, I appreciate y'all. 8136931882.

[00:57:59]I'm about to switch over to um Facebook live stream. Um for those of y'all that are on Twitch, I appreciate y'all for the comments in the chat. Um, definitely these calls, these questions are relevant to more than just the person on the call.

[00:58:32]Let me see who on my Twitch. Michelle S. Wood. I got a call coming in. Let's see. Hey, it's Love. What's your name?

[00:58:43]>> Hey. Hey, love. This is uh Jeremy.

[00:58:46]>> Jeremy, how are you?

[00:58:48]>> I'm great. How about yourself?

[00:58:50]>> I'm good. I'm good. So, you got a relationship question?

[00:58:54]>> Yes, I do. Because I got a best friend, right? Okay. Got to be sandbox type stuff. You know what I'm saying?

[00:58:59]>> Yep. and he is in a relationship with a much much younger female.

[00:59:10]>> Okay.

[00:59:11]>> He's 56, she's 26.

[00:59:14]>> Okay.

[00:59:16]>> Uh oh, when the call dropped.

[00:59:18]We'll see if Jeremy call back. If y'all just joining in, I'm live streaming on Twitch. uh if you're on Facebook and you can call in 8136931882 if you got a relationship question.

[00:59:30]Again, I'm streaming live on Twitch.

[00:59:32]That's why um I'm live on Facebook giving y'all the number to call in. Let me see if this Jeremy calling back.

[00:59:38]Hey, is this Jeremy or this somebody else? It's love.

[00:59:45]>> No, this this is someone else.

[00:59:47]>> Okay, that's fine. I was speaking to a a gentleman by the name of Jeremy and the call dropped. But your name is I'm sorry.

[00:59:54]>> Okay. Okay. I didn't know if you wanted me to drop.

[00:59:56]>> No. No. Absolutely not. You got you you about to get your time. What's your name, honey?

[01:00:01]>> I appreciate it. Thank you. And good evening to everyone and good evening to you too, Mr. Love. Um, my name is May.

[01:00:07]>> And May, you got a relationship question?

[01:00:10]>> Yeah. Um, primarily I just wanted to know what it is that I may be doing wrong in the dating atmosphere.

[01:00:18]>> Okay. Um, so kind of like I guess a little bit of a background. I was raised by an older woman. She was born in 1929.

[01:00:25]So I know I have a lot of older ways about myself.

[01:00:31]But obviously being the age that I am, I'm not interested in being with like an old man. But then in the same token, I do recognize that like some of my peers don't really necessarily have qualities or standards that I have or that.

[01:00:46]>> Tell me about some of these old ways.

[01:00:47]when you say I got some old ways cuz you were raised by um a older person which that um birth time frame that you named is definitely old but tell me give give us some examples of what do you mean by you know you got some older ways >> definitely for sure so um I'm fine with getting out but I like I like attending orchestras I like operas I like symphonies you know I like ballet recital um I do enjoy sewing I love gardening, baking, I like cleaning, cooking. I like that stuff, you know?

[01:01:21]Um, >> and then, >> you know, I do enjoy talking, you know what I'm saying? Not like too much, but just kind of catch a vibe of like >> what my significant other may have on his mind or, you know, just I don't know, just want to know what's going on with you. So, >> I think those are I think everything you named I think everything you named is up to date and relevant. I don't see anything old about it. right now.

[01:01:47]>> Depending on who you're dating, like where you're going to meet possible uh candidates, right? You um you may get looked at like these things are quote unquote old because if you're out in in environments, like I've said to a couple other callers where these people are just out for a good time or they're out to show out for social media, the things that you are saying will sound old school, but they in fact are not. they are very up to-date and relevant to dating nowadays and getting to know someone off these apps and off these devices. Does that make sense? So, I think you just need to shift your your perspective on that. But I do want you to continue your question.

[01:02:29]>> No, that that was that was it. Um I'm just wanting to know what I'm doing wrong because um >> so what type of men are you running into? Let me ask that.

[01:02:39]>> Can you like Okay, can you I guess can you ask in another way? Like what do you mean? What am I running into?

[01:02:44]>> What type of men like for you to say, "Hey, you know, I was raised by an older person. I got a lot of these older ways, you know, this this is your belief about those things that you named." What type of men are you running into that are making you feel like or giving you this idea that, hey, maybe I got some older people ways, what type of guys? Like, give me some examples or just name the type of man your last three exes or last two exes were.

[01:03:14]Um, well, I guess the best way that I can describe that is just just complaintiveness about how I am overall as a person and my character. Um, I don't I don't know like how >> No, I'm asking about the men. Like the last guy you dated, what what did he do for I'll make it easy. The last guy you dated, what did he do for a living?

[01:03:35]Um, I think he worked like on a what do they call like a um like a line, you know, like the factory lines or something.

[01:03:42]>> Okay. So, he worked in a factory. Okay.

[01:03:44]Um, the last guy you dated that worked in the factory, what were some of his hobbies like when he wasn't at work in the factory, what did he like to do >> respectfully? He didn't do much either, but it just I I did recognize he had a lot of mental things going on. I I do recognize there were a lot of things that he definitely needed help.

[01:04:05]>> So So let me ask you this. Right. When you're saying or you're you're not really naming anything that he likes to do, it probably means that y'all just weren't doing anything, right? Which means that you sitting around talking.

[01:04:20]>> So now what do the dates look like? This man that worked in the factory when you first met him, what kind of dates did y'all go on?

[01:04:27]>> Well, he was actually kind of selfish if I'm being honest. He was due extremely selfish. So, we didn't he didn't really get out much. If I did get out, I would go out by myself.

[01:04:37]>> Okay. So, pause. Right. That ain't him being selfish. That's you not having any standards. When you go out dating, get you some standards. Establish the way that you would like to be treated as you socialize with individuals. They don't owe you anything when you're casually dating, but you should have a standard of where you need to uh show up at, the energy you need to show up in, the amount of effort the person needs to put in along with the effort that you're going to put in in order for somebody to earn your time and you earn theirs. So, it sounds like you're doing a lot of talking, right, to this man. Y'all are not actually getting out in activities.

[01:05:16]And when you start a relationship off like that, right? You can't even call the person selfish when you went along with it. And then the relationship that y'all got in ends up being just that. He go to work, you go to work, you come home and he kind of just hanging out at home. Y'all talking [ __ ] and you know, whatever at home stuff that you're doing because you started the relationship out like that.

[01:05:39]>> So, let me ask you this. Oh, go ahead.

[01:05:40]I'm sorry.

[01:05:42]>> It's okay. I I understand what you're saying. I did want to mention um we were in an exclusive relationship, so it did, you know, start out with kind of courting or whatnot. But >> what did y'all do though? My question is when he was courting you because when you first met him, that was just casually dating. It's always casually dating when you first met somebody because you're not the only person that they're talking to at that time, even if that's what they're telling you. I'm sure it could have been a short amount of time and you you saw that he was pursuing you. My question is what did he do? Where did he take you? What efforts were made to actually get your attention or were your standards just not there at all and it didn't take anything?

[01:06:24]>> I think respectively it was a combination of the foes of before it did become exclusive dating. We didn't like date to where it was just like us and that was just to avoid any lustful things because I do know how I am. I'm not going to pretend.

[01:06:39]>> Wait. Go back. What are you saying?

[01:06:42]Every I'm going to say what I said again. Every relationship like where did you meet this man at? Like where you met him at?

[01:06:49]>> We we met through church.

[01:06:51]>> Okay. So when you met him at church and y'all started talking on the phone, that started a casual dating situation. Do you understand that? So, even if y'all never physically went to a restaurant and sat down on a date, sitting up on the phone or standing out in the parking lot talking to him after church, that is the you doing that consistently with this person is you casually dating them.

[01:07:14]You're getting to know them or finding out that you're interested in them. Does that make sense?

[01:07:20]>> Yes. I'm asking what efforts did he put in to show you that I'm interested past these casual talks or um casual passing bys at church. What did he do?

[01:07:34]>> Well, we didn't go and attend like religious church gatherings. So, I guess nothing if I'm being so thank you. Be blunt with yourself.

[01:07:44]So, this particular guy that I brought up to love that worked in a factory, I met him at church and I did not require that he actually date me. So, he did not have to put in any effort per my standards to get my attention. And so, I'm assuming eventually y'all came over each other's house. Am I correct?

[01:08:03]>> Yeah.

[01:08:04]>> Okay. And then eventually y'all got intimate. Am I correct?

[01:08:08]>> Mhm.

[01:08:09]>> And then from there it repeated. And so now it's like we're in a relationship whether we directly discussed it or not.

[01:08:18]>> Right.

[01:08:19]>> Okay. So when you asked me or when you first called and you said I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. You don't have any standards. So similar to the male caller that I talked to before you, you need to sit down and decide what do I want it to look like as I interact with a guy from a space of potentially dating him exclusively.

[01:08:42]Okay.

[01:08:42]>> What are my standards? And so when I'm saying this, do you need some examples or do you have an idea of some things that should be a standard?

[01:08:52]>> You know, I think I have uh some pretty good ideas.

[01:08:55]>> Okay. Okay. So then my only my only question I have left to ask is why aren't you currently or prior to me and you talking? Why aren't you approaching rather you meet him at church or at the store or out at an event? Why are you not um dating with some sort of standards? Why don't they have to meet any requirements in order to get your attention?

[01:09:18]Um well so being realistic I suppose because that relationship was about a year ago and I haven't pursued anything since then. I think at that time just where I was mentally I didn't believe in my self worth. I think that really was what it all boiled down to. Mhm. So now you you got to ask yourself as I look at my past, past relationships, the things that I went through in childhood, why don't I believe I deserve a certain level of treatment that I named? Why don't I believe that I have the right to name, how I want to be treated, how I want to be dated, how I want to be um approached, why have I not set this out for myself? And and it can this could sound cliche, right? It could sound like some corny [ __ ] I'm saying, but truly for us as women, you have to sit down and set a standard. Men are fully capable of rising to the standard when they are interested in something. But often times we have no standard and then we blame them for getting the fruit, the cookie, the excess, right, without putting in anything. But we're lowhanging fruit. We hang ourselves very low on the tree. And then we say, "Hey, why didn't you climb to the top and do X, Y, and Z before you plucked me?" But hey, ma'am, you was hanging down there right above the ground, right? You your your your your skin was touching the blades of grass. I didn't have to reach up. I had to bend over.

[01:10:47]>> Okay.

[01:10:48]>> You see what I'm saying?

[01:10:50]>> Yeah, definitely. That definitely makes sense.

[01:10:52]>> The last thing I'll say is all of us have an adult self and an inner child self. Often times when we have self-worth issues, self-esteem issues, lack of standards as we deal with people, not just with dating men, but even picking friends and uh fellow women,