How and Why They Gaslight You: Most Gaslighting Is Hidden

[00:00:00]Hey, welcome to my channel. In this video, you're going to be learning all about covert gaslighting.

[00:00:06]So, covert gaslighting is actually the most common form of gaslighting. Um, the kind of overt gaslighting that you hear about in um other narcissistic abuse circles. Like, when I say that, I mean like when I used to learn about gaslighting, I'd learned a lot about overt gaslighting. But covert gaslighting is a lot more common. So, let's get into it today. Um, before we start, I just want to say that I hear and see all your questions and um I do create content for me and for you. So, if I don't respond to your question or make a video about it, don't take it personally. Um, so here's what overt gaslighting is. So, I'm holding this pillow right now.

[00:00:47]If you came up to me and you said, "You're not holding a pillow. You need to go to a mental hospital." That would be overt gaslighting. [laughter] I'm I'm clearly holding this pillow. Another example of overt gaslighting that you may experience in your relationships is let's say you clean something for like hours. You clean something and you know it's spotless. You've like cleaned it over and over again. You know it's you know it's spotless. You know it's good.

[00:01:09]Um [snorts] if someone comes to you and and so let's say a narcissist comes and puts dirt all over it and mud or whatever that you just cleaned and then you say like, "Hey, I just cleaned this. Like why is this dirty?" and they say, "You just didn't clean it right. You just didn't clean it right." That's also co overt gaslighting. It's like making you distrust your own eyes in physical reality.

[00:01:37]So, um that's a little bit covert though. Um that second example. So, covert gaslighting will often rely a lot on plausible deniability and covert gaslighters will often covertly gaslight a lot in a way that they know you can't prove.

[00:01:59]So, they'll do something and gaslight you about it knowing that you could never fully prove it.

[00:02:07]If this is like resonating with you, this is an opportunity for you to build self-rust, to trust yourself. When you doubt someone and you think they're gaslighting you, there is a chance that you are paranoid. There is also a chance that you are actually right and that you need to trust yourself.

[00:02:26]So another example of covert gaslighting or an example of covert gaslighting, let's say someone moves an item out of your bedroom and you don't quite remember where you put the item, but you know it's gone.

[00:02:43]When you go to that person and you say, "Hey, have you seen this?"

[00:02:47]And they say, "Nope, I haven't seen it.

[00:02:51]Nope, I haven't seen it. That can be a form of gaslighting. If they actually took it, they say nope that they haven't seen it. They know exactly where it is.

[00:03:00]They know that they touched it. Um, but you don't know for sure that they touched it. And that's where the gaslighting lies. [snorts] A way that you can spot this type of gaslighting is how they respond to your confrontation.

[00:03:15]If they really overre react to your simple question about where your things are, it could be that they're overreacting and it has nothing to do with you or it could be that they are gaslighting you.

[00:03:28]They know they've done wrong and they're trying to, you know, use fear to get you to submit to them. So, what this would look like is you ask, "Hey, where's my stuff?" And then they start screaming, "I didn't touch your stuff."

[00:03:42]It's an example. You know, it kind of shows that they might be guilty a little bit. Like, why are they screaming over a normal question in healthy relationships? You know, when you ask someone, "Did you move my thing?" They will just tell you where they moved it or they'll say, "Nope, I didn't move it." The extreme overreaction can be a sign that they're guilty. It But I say that with caution because it can also be a sign that they have trauma like too.

[00:04:09]Um, like the the reason I say that is cuz I'm thinking of like a survivor might be triggered by you. Someone asking if you move their stuff. Like here's a Okay, sorry I'm being confusing. Let me clear this up.

[00:04:26]If someone is falsely accusing you of something, it makes sense to maybe get a little bit emotional. Okay? But if someone is asking a neutral question, it doesn't make sense to get super emotional.

[00:04:39]Um, you know, asking a question is not an accusation. And if someone is overreacting to normal questions, thinking that you're accusing them, it's a sign that they're guilty.

[00:04:50]Um, so I'm going to share a story with you about covert gaslighting. Now, um, so I was working at a restaurant and we had one silverware table. If you've been following me, you've heard of this table. [laughter] There was one silverware table where we could roll silverware. I was a server.

[00:05:09]Before my shift started, I rolled about 12 silverware.

[00:05:15]Then I just kind of left it alone. I didn't label it because I trusted my co-workers, whatever. I didn't really care and I wasn't going to freak out if anyone took them. So, I come back a few hours later. I'm looking around for my silverware and I notice that my manager and another co-orker is at the table and I say, "Hey, have you guys seen my silverware?"

[00:05:34]And they immediately get really defensive and they're like, "Nobody stole your silverware. Nobody stole your silverware."

[00:05:39]And then they they take my um silver they had so the table had a tablecloth over it. They had hidden my silverware under the table under the tablecloth and as they're saying no one stole it.

[00:05:54]They're pulling it out from under the tablecloth.

[00:05:57]So that's definitely an example of gaslighting. Um I didn't react in that moment. And I was just like I I how I responded was I said, "Yeah, I didn't think anyone stole it. I was just asking where it came from." [laughter] And then um so I don't actually know if they intentionally hit it under the table, but it's like there that was like preemptive gaslighting. Covert gaslighting. Was it covert?

[00:06:29]I don't know, but I'll leave it in.

[00:06:30][laughter] where they hid the silverware under the tablecloth. When I'm reasonably asking where my silverware is, reasonably and calmly asking, they are immediately jumping to say they didn't stole it, even though they literally did hide it under the tablecloth for no reason. And I'll say that for no reason. There was no reason to move the silverware. It wasn't in the way. Um I don't know why they did it. Maybe they maybe they didn't like that I wasn't labeling my silverware or that I wasn't putting it in a bin and that I left on the table.

[00:07:01]Either way, the proper response would just be to let me know to put it in a bin, you know. But anyways, then later on in that night, I gave no reaction. Later on in that night, I rolled 15 silverware. I really remember I rolled 15 because that's how much I needed for my tables. I rolled 15. my the same girl, she comes up to me and says, "Hey, I had to use some of your silverware. Um, but I rolled you some more. You had about 13 and I rolled you 15."

[00:07:31]Okay, this gets really confusing. Okay.

[00:07:34]So, and I'm like, "All right, whatever."

[00:07:37]Uh, she was a host, so it made sense for her to use my silverware. Um, at the end of the night when I go to my silverware to actually put it back on my tables, I notice that there is only 13 silverware.

[00:07:50]So, she told me I rolled 13 and that she rolled it up to 15. But when I got to my silverware, there was only 13. So, she actually stole two and didn't roll more and gave me that confusing gaslighting.

[00:08:06]So that is one example of gaslighting.

[00:08:11]Honestly, actually I think that's more like overt gaslighting. That that's definitely like overt gaslighting. So let's get on to covert then.

[00:08:23]So the reason why I was really able to correctly identify that as gaslighting is because I trust my own reality and I trust my own perception and I trust my memory. So, if I remember that I rolled 15 silverware, then I trust that I rolled 15 silverware. And I don't give people that haven't built trust with me the benefit of the doubt.

[00:08:45]Um, if I remember where I left my silverware, I remember where I left my silverware. You know, I know I didn't put it in a bin and hide it under the table. So, that gaslighting doesn't work on me, right? Um, I trust my own memory of events and I trust that not everyone in this world is healthy and um, that's a superpower, right? Not paranoia.

[00:09:07]So, um, so why would they do something like that? Like seriously, why would someone do something like that? It's really complex. It has a lot to do with control. Um, low self-esteem, you know, fragmented consciousness. Some people are very incapable of having healthy relationships. And that specific workplace had an extremely toxic and chaotic environment. When workplaces are extremely toxic and chaotic, it brings out the worst in people. It brings out the worst behaviors um possible.

[00:09:52]Um, and that's kind of just some reasons why things like that happen. You know, sometimes bullies might be showing loyalty to an abuser. So, that manager in that story was really abusive towards me. And when they when she gaslights me, she shows that manager, hey, I'm on your side. Don't target me. It's kind of like a negative loyalty thing. Um, [snorts] so yeah, some more. So a really good example of covert gaslighting is has to do with like your feelings. So the way gaslighting really impacts us as survivors is that it makes us think that all of our normal behaviors and feelings are wrong. It makes us suppress our normal behaviors and feelings. It disconnects us from the actual like reality of what we're experiencing.

[00:10:48]So when people bully us, we don't experience it as bullying. We experience it as there's something wrong with us.

[00:10:55]We experiencing we experience it as internalization, you know, um feeling really bad about ourselves without fully seeing like this is bullying and um giving that to giving the responsibility back where it belongs. And it makes us feel like it's wrong to be upset by things. It makes us feel guilty and shameful for being victims of things. And um really like every aspect of normal behavior is um targeted by gaslighting. So you may have hear heard this from >> So you may have heard this from your parents. [laughter] They say things like nothing should affect you.

[00:11:44]No one can make you feel anything.

[00:11:48]Other people's behavior shouldn't impact you. That's a form of covert gaslighting. So when a narcissistic person hurts you and it impacts you, they jump in with statements like that.

[00:12:01]Nothing should affect you.

[00:12:03]No one can make you feel anything. And what that does is it causes you to suppress your true feelings about the situation, about how much they're hurting you. You know, if you believe that nothing should affect you, you're focused on fixing what's wrong with you rather than seeing what's wrong about their behavior and they'll do it very sneakily, right?

[00:12:25]So, they'll hurt you and then a few days later later they'll come in with the gaslighting. Nothing should affect you.

[00:12:31]Anytime you go to someone with your problems, like someone else hurt you, they'll say they'll gaslight you.

[00:12:38]Nothing should affect you. It's your fault because you're impacted. You shouldn't be feeling like that. It's that invalidation and gaslighting.

[00:12:50]And so, let's go back to the plausible deniability thing. Some abusers are calculated, very calculated. So opportunistic is a good word for it where they um are looking for an opening to gaslight you. They need to gaslight you because they fear that if they don't that you will leave them. They choose to hurt you rather than doing the inner work that it takes to change.

[00:13:22]So, one of my lovely subscribers shared this perspective with me about fun where narcissists kind of believe that their little games that they play with your head are fun. And that's a really good perspective. I really like that that commenter said that. Um, it's almost like when they're hiding your things and denying it, to them it's their twisted sense of fun. It's not really fun, but that's they get that twisted sense of enjoyment from it. You know, true fun are things like playing the guitar, making a YouTube video, uh talking to your friends, but you know, there's a lot of inversions in narcissistic consciousness where, you know, fun is mixed up with cruelty.

[00:14:12]Um, and that comes from gaslighting. So, let's get real deep here. So, the narcissist you're dealing with, they had a narcissist in their life who did the same thing to them, that narcissist once did something cruel to them and gas lit them and said, "I we're just having fun. What do you mean? This is supposed to be fun. Why aren't you having fun?"

[00:14:36]So, now they believe that doing cruel things is fun.

[00:14:42]They want to have more fun in their life.

[00:14:45]They set the intention to have more fun, but in their mind they believe that fun is cruelty because they've been gaslit.

[00:14:57]Then they feel very misunderstood. If you've dealt with covert narcissists, you know how they're always playing the victim. They always think that they're just misunderstood.

[00:15:06]That's where this comes from.

[00:15:08]They think that when they're being cruel and gaslighting you, they think, "Oh, I was just having fun."

[00:15:18]They were actually misunderstanding the word fun.

[00:15:23]They've been gas lit. And they translate that into no one understands me. And they play the victim.

[00:15:32]Um, most of you on my channel won't resonate with being like this, but if if by the fair chance this does resonate with you and you are like this, um, we have two choices, right? You can be the victim or you can choose to grow. You know, you can be the victim of how understood you are or you can choose to grow. Um, and I have a I'm working on a course right now that teaches you more in depth how to kind of undo this kind of trauma almost. Not not really undo the trauma, but helps you take right action. Um, so yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there. It'll be um done soon um for you.

[00:16:15]And yeah, so what else? What else?

[00:16:17]Covert gaslighting.

[00:16:21]Um, it can also be in just the way that they treat you, right? So, after they do something bad to you and hurtful, they will be really nice to you.

[00:16:33]A lovely commenter shared their experience with me um with this. I just want to um call like give you guys some credit because I think that clarity is really healing for like anxiety, right?

[00:16:45]I've noticed that sometimes when creators respond to the comments, but they're not acknowledging it. It gives me anxiety. So, I wanted to acknowledge it. [laughter] Um, but [clears throat] they act, this is a really common thing, though. They do something harmful and then right after they'll act really nice. That's a form of covert gaslighting.

[00:17:07]The niceness makes you feel like they're a good person. It gaslights you into thinking that they're a good person.

[00:17:15]Additionally, you know, when they do something wrong to you and you react and they play the victim, that's a form of covert gaslighting.

[00:17:23]They're gaslighting you into thinking that you're the perpetrator when you are actually the victim. They are playing the victim.

[00:17:34]Sorry about the loud noise. I'm going to wrap this up quick. But um so this type of gaslighting can happen over time where they hurt you and then the next day they're really nice to you. Or it can happen like back to back like even in YouTube comments where they give you a compliment, say something hurtful, and then give you a compliment. That is covert gaslighting.

[00:17:59]They're they pretend to be nice, they say something hurtful, and then they say something nice to gaslight you into thinking that they're a good person.

[00:18:08]So, our way out of this is to build our self-rust. Trust in our own feelings, trust in the rightness of our own feelings, trust in our own thoughts, trust in our own memories, trust in our perceptions. Um, I have a couple videos on this channel about selfrust, so you can check out my playlist tab to [snorts] see those. my course will also help with this. So, um yeah, thank you for watching. This is my video on covert gaslighting. Um and yeah, uh also I wanted to say that just to give more clarity for the audience. Um sometimes you guys share things with me and I talk about them in my videos and it's like a cool synchronicity and I'm actually pulling from my own life. Um so, and then sometimes you guys inspire me. I just wanted to be clear about that that I'm not like Um, you got I just want to say you guys are really aligned with me sometimes and it's a little it's a little magical.