You Have Been Lied to About Forgiveness

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-05

[00:00:02]This is Dr. Felicia. I'm a licensed psychologist and in today's video I'm going to be talking about how you have been lied to about forgiveness.

[00:00:11]Many of you on this channel have um gone through some sort of psychological abuse, especially um in spiritual settings or other types of high control settings. And so these settings especially, although it's not just these settings, um will tell you different lies about forgiveness.

[00:00:35]The first one has to do with making excuses for the perpetrator's behavior.

[00:00:40]So, I have heard this so often um where somebody brings up a grievance and they may be talking about the the um you know, the difficult things that they experienced, the offense that was done to them. And then you start hearing um the the excuses, right? So, it could be "Oh, they didn't mean it. Oh, they came from They were coming from a good place." or "Oh, they tried their best." or um whatever the excuse of the day um can be. And so often times when the the leading response to a grievance is an excuse for the perpetrator, that's a problem. And it's often followed by because of these excuses that they've made for this person, that you now have to forgive this person because of these excuses. And who knows whether they're true or not, right? And so that is a um not true, obviously, right? Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person's reasons for why they did what they did. Um I've used this example before on my channel, but let's say somebody accidentally um steps on your foot. Your foot still hurts whether they did it by accident or they did it on purpose.

[00:02:08]People, especially people who are manipulative and who um engage in um psychologically abusive behaviors, often times like to hide behind intent. And so that is um one way they do it by proxy is making excuses for the offending party. Especially if it's somebody that they um like or benefit from or that they, you know, somehow like endorse or support their actions, okay?

[00:02:39]So those excuses, pay attention to them because often times behind those excuses is the message that your pain is not that important. You may even hear something like, "Oh, well, don't take it personally."

[00:02:53]Um and um while that may not necessarily be an excuse, it can be a way of dismissing the harm that you have experienced, okay? So, the lie there is, "Look, you don't have to um make an excuse for somebody in order to make the choice to forgive or not to forgive them."

[00:03:15]The second thing is this way of or the second way that you've been lied to about forgiveness is this concept that everybody is all the same um somehow. It's almost like this hurt people hurt people um stuff that I talk about on another video on why I believe that that's a myth. But you'll hear this thing that has been said where they'll say, you know, "We could all do that." And very uh religious circles you'll hear you'll hear the phrase, "Well uh there go I, but for the grace of God." right? Um Things like that. And what this does is that it attempts to put you and the offender on equal footing.

[00:04:04]Now, that question in and of itself is not relevant, right? Like cuz who Let me say equal footing, what does that exactly mean? I don't know and I'm not going to debate it.

[00:04:14]In essence, that is a red herring. It doesn't really matter, right? Whether or not you could do the same thing doesn't mean then you owe that person forgiveness, right? And so you know, I've um heard and even seen situations where people have just been through horrific horrific acts of atrocity atrocity. And they've been told that, "Well, you know what? We're They're monsters inside all of us. And so, you know, you could have done the same thing." And so that person not only is dealing with the pain of what happened to them, but then they're told, "Hey, you're you could be just like that person who did that to you."

[00:04:57]And so that's not up for debate. I'm not going to go into that. Some people believe yes, everyone you know, is capable of doing horrible stuff and some people don't believe that. That question is irrelevant.

[00:05:11]The point is is that that is made somehow as a prerequisite in order you for you to forgive somebody. So, if somebody is having a difficult time, has made the choice not to forgive somebody or feels any kind of difficulty, they're shamed because they're told, "You could do the same thing." right? And um so that is a lie about a prerequisite for forgiveness, right?

[00:05:37]And I don't even think it belongs in the discussion about forgiveness.

[00:05:41]Forgiveness is a highly personal and highly private decision. Um so there's that. And then the um the the third lie that you will hear about forgiveness is um that of empathy, right? And so many people who are in these types of environments, who've dealt with this type of abuse, will feel forced to empathize with the person who has brutalized or abused or harmed them. And this is very dangerous because first of all, you can't force anybody to have empathy for anybody. It really um it's kind of disturbing how I have seen some people demand empathy and feel almost entitled to it. Remember that on this channel I talk about highly controlling systems and interpersonal dynamics. And part of that the part of what goes on in these types of systems is a lot of entitlement. So, people feeling entitled to second chances, forgiveness, all these other sorts of things. Empathy, like anything else, is a choice that someone makes.

[00:07:00]Someone can choose to have empathy.

[00:07:02]Someone can also choose not to. And so there's this rhetoric around forgiveness that will, "You should have empathy for that person. You should feel sorry for them for all these reasons. Maybe they had, you know, a bad life." or whatever the case may be.

[00:07:21]If you choose to have empathy, you can.

[00:07:24]But if you don't, you don't. That needs to put be put in a separate box from forgiveness because there are going to be some situations where I would argue that um focusing on empathy can actually work against you. I'm not saying you shouldn't be an empathic person or you shouldn't have empathy. But in this case, when you have been wronged or harmed, your healing is priority. And you will hear that that it's selfish to put your healing first, to put your um well-being and recovery first. And you'll often hear that in these types of abusive environments because they want to you know, it functions to basically put you in the position of having to justify what your rights are.

[00:08:13]So, I know I said a mouthful there, but the piece about empathy is not conditional for forgiveness.

[00:08:22]Um so I want you to remember that. Um and then the last um lie that you've been told about forgiveness is that it is the same as something or a particular action is proof of forgiveness. So, for instance, let's say you have forgiven someone and you have chosen to go no contact with them for whatever reason. People will say, "Well, you didn't forgive them." Cuz if you forgave them, you'd have them in your life again.

[00:08:53]You make the choice as to who you want in your life. And um I tell people this often that you don't owe anybody a relationship. And that can be very difficult for controlling people especially to hear because part of what their control tactics include are trying to get you to believe that you are owed or they you owe them a relationship. You owe them a chance to explain their side of things. And you really don't.

[00:09:25]You have the freedom to not have a relationship with anybody and for any reason. If you never hear anyone else say it, I said it, right? And why is that? Because that's part of our agency as human beings. And you can choose to have a relationship with someone, but when someone equates forgiveness with reconciliation, it's very dangerous because forgiveness is a completely internal process. It has nothing to do with the other person. You don't have to understand why the person did what they did. You don't have to like them. You don't have to be in a relationship with them, but controlling people, and especially abusive people who still want you to give them access into your life, will tell you this, "Oh, well, you haven't forgiven so-and-so because you don't talk to them anymore."

[00:10:18]You haven't forgiven so-and-so because they said that they called you and you didn't respond to their call or text message or you ghosted them or whatever the thing is, okay? So, there's that aspect, but forgiveness is also um equated to other things that do not mean forgiveness. So, for instance, somebody will say, "Well, you know when you forgiven somebody because their actions don't hurt you anymore."

[00:10:46]And that's probably one of the more dangerous myths that I have heard about forgiveness. You know, when you think about forgiveness, it is a I believe it is a it's a continuous process, right? And so, it can look like, you know, it's like if I think about it from like a a time perspective, there're going to be times when you have forgiven the person, you feel like you forgiven them, you feel like, "Okay, it's all good." And then something may remind you of what happened, right?

[00:11:18]Um and then you might feel hurt again. You might feel angry. You might feel um all kinds of things. And I don't think that necessarily means um that you don't forgive the person. And so, that's not something anybody except you can determine.

[00:11:36]But I don't agree with the rhetoric that forgiveness is equal to absence of pain.

[00:11:42]Another one that I hear that's actually pretty dangerous, too, is the absence of justice. And so, I remember watching this show, um I think it was Law & Order, like a really old episode in which this woman had been um attacked by somebody and they needed her testimony to like put this person behind bars and she refused to give that testimony because she said that um her religion told her that like when you forgive somebody then you do not pursue any sort of justice against them.

[00:12:17]And so, by doing so, then that means you haven't forgiven them. And you will be surprised how often that people are saying these things to other people. So, you know, if you press charges, especially within like the um you know, I would say Christian community at times, they will um will pull this verse from like I think 1 Corinthians or something about how it says something about like not taking people to court for whatever reason because it looks bad and you're a bad witness. And so, people will pair that with the concept of forgiveness to discourage people from taking legal action when um legal action or any kind of justice may be actually the best thing for them. I'm not here to tell you what the best, you know, thing for you is to do or not do, but using the pursuit of justice or legal um compensation or whatever the case may be as evidence that you have not forgiven a person is not right and I believe can be quite manipulative. Um oftentimes when people say things like that, they benefit from you not taking justice in some way or another.

[00:13:33]And so, and even if they don't, it it doesn't matter because that's not the same thing as choosing not to forgive somebody, okay? So, again, want you to think through all of these. Forgiveness is something that is personal. It is something that you decide to do independently of the other person. You don't have to have empathy. You don't have to buy their excuses. You don't have to put yourself on their, for lack of a better word, level, meaning, "Oh, I could have done the same thing that was done." I have seen people that have talked to me about this very thing and they've actually been concerned like, "Oh my gosh, do you think I could have been like could I do that to someone?" And I would say, "I don't think so." You know, and if you ask 100 people that know you well, they would say the same thing. So, even that, people sometimes get caught up and distracted about their own nature. Now, of course, are we all capable and have we all done things that we're not proud of? Of course, but that's not part of the discussion, right? About forgiveness. The forgiveness dialogue is between you and yourself. And basically, you know, there def you know, very different definitions, I guess, of forgiveness. The best way that I would describe it is just deciding to drop the charges against that person, not legal charges, but like, you know, drop the charges or write off the, you know, whatever it is that you're owed. Um you know, and there there are many ways and there are many people out there that do a really good job of explaining what forgiveness is, but anytime you hear something like that, make sure they're not adding all this extra stuff in, right? Forgiveness is personal and it's private and it needs to be done in the right timing, meaning that you don't feel coerced into it or you don't start to equate other things that don't have anything to do with forgiveness with forgiveness itself, okay? So, now that you have um language and clarity and validation, the next steps and decisions are yours to make. I hope you have a wonderful day that is filled with peace. Bye-bye.