How I Ended Up in a C-section

[00:00:00]Okay, so I'm just going to record this because it has been almost a month since I gave birth and the longer time goes by, uh, I'm worried I'm going to forget some of the crazy crazy details. And also, of course, you know, the day that I gave birth, my mindset was, I literally never want to do this again.

[00:00:21]And now that a few weeks have passed by, I know I'm going to do it again, and I at least know more of what to expect now. But it was not the birth journey that I had planned for. And I really did try to plan with three months of uh Bradley method classes. So, did I fail them? Kind of. Can you stop farting?

[00:00:44]It's embarrassing. [laughter] So, this is my little guy, Orson. And uh let's talk just a little bit about the pregnancy because it went pretty well.

[00:00:55]Um, I got pregnant when I was 33. I had been on birth control for 18 years straight, like taking the pill continuously. Didn't get a period. And so I was kind of worried, you know, how long will this take? Um, I stopped taking the pill about two and a half months or so before I got married. Uh, and we were not trying. We were, you know, using protection until the wedding. And then right after the wedding, we just decided to go for it and luckily got pregnant on the honeymoon, which was really awesome and something that, you know, I was kind of afraid of because people say the older you get, it can be very hit or miss. So, we got very lucky there. The pregnancy overall, I'd say, was pretty good.

[00:01:43]Didn't really have a lot of morning sickness, which I'm so grateful for. Uh there were like a few days in the first trimester that I would say I almost felt on the verge of nausea but like not quite there. So I think that's honestly really really good. Um and then obviously the third trimester you get heavier. Uh it does get harder but I was still working out even up until you know 37 weeks I did a Pilates class. Um, and then of course on week 38 we unexpectedly had him. So how did that happen? I noticed that it was interesting. It seemed like he had some rapid growth spurts, you know, in the third trimester because it took a while for me to really show. Like even my halfbaked photos that I took, it's kind of like lol looking back at them because I really do not look that big. Um, and yeah, so it took a while for him to show. And then when he finally did start showing, turns out he was apparently a very big baby. And a lot of the doctors were telling me that, which I was kind of in disbelief because it took so long for him to actually, you know, grow. And so basically around week 38 I had made an appointment to do a membrane sweep because we were being told that he was measuring much bigger.

[00:03:06]Um in fact I had to go get a specialized scan because at my ultrasound with my OB he said wow like his head seems very big. His head is measuring like 42 weeks and you're only 36 weeks. Which I was like what does that mean? is that bad?

[00:03:23]And so I went and got a specialized scan. It was more around like 40 weeks that he was measuring, but he was still measuring very large. And so I was already doing things to try and get ready for a vaginal birth. As I mentioned, I did the Bradley method classes, which is basically if you really want to have a natural unmedicated birth. You take these classes, you know, once a week for 3 months and learn relaxation techniques and learn about different, you know, ways that you can give birth, but primarily how you try to, you know, uh, mind over matter if you were going to go natural, which I tried. We'll get into that. Um, and some other things I would do I was doing was the perennial massage. So, I started that around 34 weeks. That's basically where you have your partner kind of helps stretch out your hoochie coochie. Um, literally like with their finger here. I was thinking it might be kind of kind of kinky and uh it was not. It is. It's meant to be uncomfortable. Um, but it seemed like it was it was working and I was tolerating it better. Um, and then there's also you can eat dates, I guess, to help ripen your cervix. There's raspberry tea. Uh, you can start curb walking, but you don't want to start to do that too soon.

[00:04:47]So, I was doing several things to try and, you know, prep for a vaginal birth.

[00:04:54]Now, obviously, I knew that there was a possibility that maybe I would go into labor earlier than 40 weeks, although it's pretty unlikely. I guess with your first child, most people go over the due date. So, I was just trying to get my, you know, lady parts ready. Um, and I was pretty convinced that I would have a vaginal birth. Uh, we briefly touched on a C-section um in the classes that I took, but I really didn't think that we were going to have a C-section. So, I didn't pay much attention or mentally prep for that. So, anyway, we go to my 38w week appointment and at my appointment before that, I asked him, "Hey, next time can we try to do this membrane sweep, which actually has pretty good odds of working or, you know, putting you into early labor." That's where the hell begins. Uh because the night before that I was really really nervous for said membrane sweep. And so I was already having really bad insomnia in my third trimester. I was not taking any medication to help me sleep. I mean, obviously I'm pregnant, so I was not taking anything. And most mornings I could sleep in, but this appointment was at 10:00 a.m. And I basically felt like I barely slept the night before cuz I was so nervous about how painful the membrane sweep might be, you know? I mean, they basically like put their finger in your cervix and then like separate the bag a little bit. And a lot of women say it's horrible. So, I was nervous about that. So, we went to the appointment. We did the me membrane sweep which was not bad at all for me.

[00:06:36]Um, you know, obviously some doctors might be a little more aggressive than others, but it wasn't bad. And I was like, "Wow, okay, I stressed out about that for nothing." But my blood pressure was pretty high. And so my doctor was like, "Yeah, I want to send you to the hospital just to do some monitoring."

[00:06:57]And I said, "Okay, can I stop at home and, you know, do I have time to go home and maybe get some things just in case?"

[00:07:06]And he said, "Yes, but you know, I'm going to call ahead and head to the hospital when you can." So my husband and I came home. Now, mind you, at this point, I'm 38 weeks and one day pregnant. And luckily, we were able to stop at home. I kind of thought it might be a long shot that we would end up staying, but I wanted to get our go bags, which luckily we prepared in advance. Um, and you know, some pillows from home. Highly recommend bringing your own pillows. I wish I would have brought my own bath towels anyway. Um, but grabbed things that we needed, including the car seat, and just headed to the hospital. Well, I got my membrane sweep. I was 1 centimeter dilated and then the doctor was like, "Your blood pressure is pretty high. I'm going to send you to the hospital now."

[00:07:55]So, are we having the baby soon? I don't know. Um, for the record, the membrane sweep did not hurt at all. So, I don't know. I'm I'm very happy for that. But, we got to go get monitored and make sure we don't have preeacclampsia.

[00:08:15]But uh I was not expecting to go to the hospital today. So I'm definitely very nervous. I can't believe that I could be a mom very soon uh and have my baby. Like I'm So far I've been doing pretty well. Like you know they did the IV catheter thing and it wasn't so bad. I mean it hurt a little bit but I'm no baby. But they have been tracking my blood pressure and it's definitely been getting more and more elevated.

[00:08:47]So I think they're going to want to induce me today at 38 weeks in one day.

[00:08:53]I'm 1 cm dilated already as of this morning and they did the sweep. I just had like what felt like a contraction. I mean I've been having Braxton Hicks but it felt like a real contraction and it showed as a contraction on the monitor.

[00:09:07]So uh yeah. I guess this is me before maybe birth. And I know like this could take a long time or who knows, but I'm definitely like really nervous. Um yeah, I'm like, am I qualified to do this?

[00:09:28]I'm trying to like play it off that I'm really calm, but I'm very scared. I'm excited. I'm all sorts of emotions. So, we park. We go get checked in and they're doing the fetal monitoring and you know monitoring my blood pressure and so they put these bands on your belly and I had actually already done that a very uh expensive hospital visit at 30 weeks because I was told that if you're ever worried about anything in pregnancy just go to the hospital and get it checked out. You know, no big deal. um they won't uh you know turn you away or think that you're silly. And so I was all of a sudden at 30 weeks having a lot of trouble breathing. Um and I felt like it was very painful. Like it was very sharp painful um you know sensations when I would take a breath.

[00:10:21]So I went to the hospital anyway. I got a bill for like $900 for that. But I had already gone through this process of getting hooked up to a monitor, being there for around three hours, you know, testing your uh protein in your urine to see if you're have preeclampsia. So anyway, when we went in at 38 weeks for for this routine, I was like, "Hey, I've done this before." However, um upon monitoring me this second time, uh turns out they wanted to keep me and they said, "We, uh, you know, you have gestational hypertension, so for that reason, we want to induce you and start the process, which I mean, I was pretty down for um because I was being pregnant at that point was starting to get harder and uh you know kind of miserable. So I was like yeah let's get this baby out of here like I'm getting my wish you know it's he's coming early and that's great and I guess there is a medically indicated reason now so good and I had heard that you know um inducing can make the labor more painful which appeared to be true. So, my quest to go natural um spoiler alert did not uh get completed, but I did try. So, at that point, we had checked into the hospital around 12:30. I think it took a little bit for us to get like an actual room.

[00:11:53]Um, and then we started labor or, you know, the induction process probably around like 7:30 or something that night. So, it took a while. You know, things can really take a while in the hospital. Uh, and so what did they do to start that induction process? They gave me they didn't start me on ptocin right away, thank goodness. Um, but they did give me two vaginally inserted cytoch pills that uh are supposed to help get you going. Which, by the way, when I was at my appointment earlier that same morning, I was already dilated at 1 cm, which is apparently pretty decent for only being 38 weeks in one day. Um, but you know, you gotta get to 10. And >> I don't like this thing.

[00:12:54]Do not.

[00:12:57]I'm waiting to get a fully balloon.

[00:13:03]I've already had two membrane sweeps today, three cervical checks by three different people.

[00:13:10]Um, and I was definitely going through a lot of anxiety.

[00:13:16]I think I've calmed down a little bit and just realizing that some of this will be painful and I have to accept it.

[00:13:26]But it's pretty crazy that I'm only, you know, one and a half centimeters dilated and we got to get to 10.

[00:13:35]So, they gave me the two cytoch pills and then they said, "Hey, um, we should also do this fully balloon uh catheter basically to help kind of manually dilate your cervix with this odd thing where they put a balloon on each side of the the hole basically of your cervix. And um, so they placed that and I they offered me some medication.

[00:14:03]and I said, "No, no, no. I want to go natural. I've prepared for this," which that definitely did um feel more uncomfortable than than the membrane sweep. Uh but I got through it and I was very proud of myself. I was very, you know, straightfaced and stoic as they were placing this balloon and it was uncomfortable and I I didn't like the idea of it, but I was like, I'm just going to, you know, mind over matter and do it. So that got me from a 1 cm to 4 cm in a couple hours.

[00:14:37]And at that point, the contractions in the beginning were not that bad. I kept thinking cuz I have a pretty high pain tolerance. You know, I broke my femur.

[00:14:47]Like I really thought that this might be a breeze because I broke my femur. Uh but I was wrong.

[00:14:56]>> Okay. So, I'm currently in hopefully natural labor for the whole thing. Just took two cytoch pills and the fully balloon, which is in me. And these contractions are hurting so bad that it actually hurts to lay down. I'm like gripping the out of this labor comb, which is actually helping. I know people may laugh at it, but it is distracting me.

[00:15:25]But this is pretty intense. I said when they first started they were maybe like a one in pain and now they're like like a four or five, you know. So, >> how long have you been here?

[00:15:38]>> Uh, we were admitted around like what noon 30. Yeah.

[00:15:42]>> Like 12:30 and it's already like almost 9.

[00:15:47]>> Yeah. Which 95.

[00:15:52][laughter] So, but we just got the induction only what how long ago? 30 minutes.

[00:15:59]>> Um, yes, about 30 minutes.

[00:16:02]>> So, >> that's do I think would we technically call that the start of her labor?

[00:16:07]>> Yeah, probably.

[00:16:08]>> You're in contractions. And so, >> the contractions started not that bad, but they started to ramp and ramp and get worse and more uncomfortable. And I think my biggest problem with them was that they were just so relentless. It was like you'd go through a contraction and it was horrible and it hurt so bad and the only way that I could even feel kind of comfortable was sitting on a birthing ball. Like I felt like I couldn't even lay down because it hurt my back so badly. Um and so I was sitting on this birthing ball. I had my husband trying to do counter pressure. I actually don't even think that helped me that much. Um, but they were getting worse and worse and you know that was it was starting to become so miserable that I was crying and you know I was trying to listen to music or and that was helping for a little bit but they just get not only more intense but like they don't go away. It was like okay when I'm not having a contraction I feel like you know I can handle this. I can talk to my husband. But then 2 3 minutes later, there's another one and another one and another one. And I'd already gone through about 6 and 1/2 hours of these uh you know this natural labor process, no medication and despite doing these classes and I I think I kept kept in it for so long because I didn't want to be a quitter and I felt that I had tried to mentally prepare. Okay, I am currently more progressed. This sucks. I just had a very good cry. Um, starting to get some shivering.

[00:17:52]Uh, still no drugs, but this is this is like [laughter] really not fun, dude. I'm I'm so torn between getting an epidural or not. This is like one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. So, but then and I really wrestled with this decision because I I intended to, you know, feel all the things and I really wanted to work with my body and do it naturally, but um as time wore on, I was like, why am I a torturing myself? Why?

[00:18:30]And part of it was I was kind of afraid to get an epidural. It's pretty scary to have that go into your back. um that very long needle and you know I don't like the idea of of having that in the first place. I was pretty scared of it like scared to the point of like oh my gosh will I become paralyzed from this for some reason just really irrational fears. We got to you know 6 and 1/2 hours and I was like okay I have lost my why you know you have to know what is my why and I was like I don't have one anymore. this is so stupid. You know, I wanted to kind of prove it to myself that I could do it, but I was like, well, if that's my only reason, then screw it. Um, I I don't want to I I I want out. And so, I caved and got the epidural around like 3:00 in the morning and uh I was actually shocked how much it worked. I was like, "Oh my gosh." Like, this is literal magic.

[00:19:33]I did it. I got the epidural.

[00:19:36]>> I'm telling Lauren this, too. Is that fine?

[00:19:38]>> Yeah. Okay.

[00:19:39]>> And uh I'm just making a quick video clip. Decided to get the epidural. I was like trying to labor after induction for over 5 hours. And uh that was horrendous. So I literally have not felt a single contraction since. them placing the epidural, the lidocaine shot hurt, but of course it was manageable. And they say that I'm not on a lot of fentinol, but I'm feeling pretty chilled out, which is very nice. Um, so I'm not freaking out about the birth anymore. And hopefully I can get some sleep and I can still like move my feet. They feel heavy.

[00:20:28]Kind of have some heartburn in this position. I did have a little bit bit of itching.

[00:20:32]But oh my god, I can't believe I can't feel the contractions. Like this is so much better. So [sighs] yeah, I think I made the right call. I thought it might reduce the pain, but it like completely disconnected me from what was going down. And my body was of course still laboring, but I didn't feel it. Um, which was phenomenal. You know, the nurses were like, "Hey, I see on the monitor you're having really big contractions. You still don't feel them." And I'm like, "No, like this is unreal." And my advice to anyone would just be like go through, I don't know, an hour or two of natural labor before you get the epidural. Unless you really want to do natural, obviously you can.

[00:21:21]But I kind of had that mindset of like just because I can do something doesn't mean I should force myself. Um, and so I was really amazed. you know, if you really want to see how well an epidural works, uh maybe maybe uh do it raw for a little bit and then and then and then get an epidural. Um but I'm really glad that I did it. And the other thing that convinced me was that I consulted with the epidural, you know, doctor before getting it and she said, "Yeah, I actually just got done giving a patient who was at 8 cm." So she I was still at four at this point and she got all the way to 8 and still begged for it. And I'm thinking, well surely it would be way worse at 8 cm. Um you know the pain and everything just to get there and if she still ended up caving am I going to postpone this? Just that kind of sold me in the moment. Not that she was trying to sell me but um you know she didn't want me to be in pain and it took the pain away. So that was pretty incredible. And from that point on, I kind of felt like I was smooth sailing.

[00:22:26]Um, like I was still tired and I wasn't really able to sleep, although I was able to kind of like rest. Um, but you know, they have like a I think they still had the blood pressure cuff on at that point. So, it was like constantly like squeezing my arm and just it's hard to sleep. It's hard to sleep during during labor. Um, but it was so much better with the epidural. And so at that point I thought, okay, we're in the clear. And I think around like 12:30 the next day, I ended up being in labor for about 18 hours. Um, but sometime around, you know, early afternoon, they told me, you know, hey, mama, as I'm like so tired, like so tired, I just wanted to fall asleep. I did not want to talk to people. They're like, "Hey, mama, you're at a 10. Aren't you excited to push?" And I was like, "I can't I literally feel like I cannot like can you please give me 10 more minutes of a nap? I'm so freaking exhausted. I can't feel my legs." It's like in the beginning you can still I I was still having pretty good mobility despite you know the epidural but then as time wore on and the longer you have the epidural the more stronger it gets.

[00:23:51]Um and uh so I couldn't feel my legs and I was like I'm so exhausted I cannot imagine pushing but I guess I have to and no I was not excited you know like it was like and that was the one thing just a side note I remember telling my husband like part of the reason and he was like get the epidural like oh my gosh like if you want it you know get it he was a big proponent of it but he respected that I wanted to try to go natural but at at that point before I got it I was like I don't want to resent this entire experience and I'm in so much pain that it's kind of making me hate everything about this experience.

[00:24:27]So anyway, but I was very tired, but I had to push.

[00:24:53]And so I started pushing, push, push, push. Um, I have done weightlifting in the past, uh, you know, done bodybuilding. So, I felt like I could really bear down and, you know, do the breathing and the pushing pretty effectively despite not being able to feel much. And one of the methods that they offered was like pulling on a sheet and kind of like almost doing like an ab crunch. And that that actually was pretty effective. And so, we started to make a little bit of progress. And I pushed for about an hour and a half, which they said was, you know, kind of long. Um, but the problem really was that he wasn't descending much. And so we barely made any progress. Uh, he there's like it there's something called a bishop score. So you don't just have to be at 10 cm, you also have to have the baby uh their head in a certain position or they call it a station basically. And so he'd only moved like maybe one station, so like one position that entire hour and a half of pushing, which he really needed to be much more descended at that point. So, uh, they were like, "Hey, um, and and I was really caught off guard by this because they kind of pull open your, you know, hoochie coochie to look at things while you're pushing." And I could see like his hair. Um, he wasn't crowning or anything, but like I could see a little bit of his head. So, I really thought we were in the home stretch and I was very close to meeting my son. But they were starting to talk about shoulder dystocia concerns a lot and his head kind of still being big and being an issue. And after an hour and a half, they were like, "Hey, um, we can see you're exhausted.

[00:26:45]uh you haven't made enough progress. And so at this point, you know, you can either continue to push for a few hours and you'll probably end up needing an emergency C-section or we can just go give you a C-section right now, which I was like, "Oh my gosh, like what is happening?" Um, and so I asked for them to leave the room so I could talk to my husband for a few minutes, but we both kind of agreed like, okay, let's get it over with. I mean, we obviously don't want to have any complications and if that's the case, then we we just we have to do it. Um, so it was I was kind of excited in a in a way because I had already been joking about let's just do a C-section earlier in the labor because it was taking so long and I was so tired and I'm like let's just get him out of there. Um, but quickly that changed when I got into the O because you know when I agreed to it I'm like all right let's just rip the band-aid. Let's do it. you know, like agreeing to do that surgery just kind of on the spot is a pretty crazy feeling.

[00:28:00]Um, and you know, I only had the femur surgery at that point like a little more than 3 years prior. So, it was like I don't know, it was uh it was a lot going into another major surgery. But what was so different about this one is that you're awake the entire time. Uh, so yes, it's way worse than the femur surgery. femur surgery, you're under general anesthesia. Uh, which I was still afraid of, but hey, I didn't have to endure it. And, uh, yeah. So, yeah. So, at that point, we h brought him back in and said, "Okay, let's do it." Um, and I know a lot of people can be very mistrusting of doctors or say, "Oh, of course they want to do this because, you know, they have their own motives." But like I totally trusted our medical team and um and I think that they took care of us really well. So, you know, uh some people still might think, oh, well, they they're just doing that just cuz.

[00:29:00]But it's like, no, he was a big baby.

[00:29:03]And um and you know, we we felt that it was the right decision. So, we were handed, you know, hairetss and my husband had to go get dressed in his scrubs and um and so I was rolled into the operating room. It was very bright in there. And I started feeling anxious, of course. And I asked the anesthesiologist um if if I could get some some, you know, something to calm me down. And he was like, I really don't want to give that to you because you're not going to remember any of this. And I was like, oh, that sucks. Like, I don't want to not remember any of my son's birth. So like, yeah, I guess I got to ride it out. And then they were like, oh, and you'll probably throw up, which I hate throwing up, and I actually have like some kind of swallowing, choking issues.

[00:30:01]Um, anyway, that's another story. But I was like, I don't like this idea of throwing up on my back, especially because I'm so afraid of choking. And they're like, well, just tilt your head to the side, but most people throw up. And I'm like, well, I didn't know that that. So, I was in my head about that. I was in my head about the surgery. Of course, you know, you're any major surgery, there's at least for me, a fear of death. And, um, of course, I wanted him to be okay. It was just a lot.

[00:30:31]And also, prior to this, um, prior to the C-section, I was already experiencing what I consider the worst side effect that I was not prepared for.

[00:30:43]And I really wasn't even prepared from these classes about this side effect.

[00:30:47]Labor shakes. Apparently, some people, including myself, can get insane labor shakes where you are just like pulsing with adrenaline, uh teeth chattering, arms flailing, shaking, shivering, and then it gets even worse after birth to like fullbody convulsions. It's like it feels like you're having a 10-minute seizure and that happens, you know, over and over for like hours. Um, and that scared the you know what out of me. Uh, it was it was so horrible. I could not control it. The only thing that they could tell me was to stick my tongue out cuz that helped like minimize it a little bit for some odd reason and it it did but like it didn't take it away. Um, and I couldn't stop it. And so anyway, the surgery uh I definitely got worse labor shakes after and uh and I guess I'll get into that a little bit more after, but so so they're doing the surgery. Um and and you know, I'm hearing them call out, you know, okay, give me the scalpel, like make the incision. Um you know, of course, they did like a pain check before that to make sure that I'm numb.

[00:32:03]And I thought it was interesting, too. I couldn't like feel any sensation of like liquid or like I guess I was covered in blood and I just I couldn't I couldn't feel that. Uh which I thought that I would feel that cuz I could still feel like pressure. Um but basically they started doing the surgery and I felt completely dissociated. Like I felt like I just wanted to sort of play dead. Um, as odd as that sounds, it's like I wanted to just kind of go out of my body because I was so scared and I was like, if I just lay as still as I can and I close my eyes and I don't talk, like maybe I can get through this, which, you know, I think I have a lot of like residual fears from the femur stuff. Um, and I thought that I was over it. I guess I'm not. But it was it was such a strange thing. I just felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. couldn't I I just had to basically pretend I wasn't there, which isn't like a voluntary thing. It's like something your body does. I feel like in like survival or self-preservation mode. So, meanwhile, I'm doing that. My husband is watching a lot of this. Um he said it's the craziest 30 minutes of his life for sure. And things are going okay. And then they start like tugging on me very vigorously and they're calling for more assistance and they're calling different codes and it kind of seemed like a very tense like things were going normally and then the room got very tense and I was kind of too um locked into my focus mode to really ask plus you don't really want to distract them. But it seemed like something was going wrong and I guess that his head at that point was so descended into my pelvis that they were then getting having trouble getting him out of my stomach. So it was like his freaking head was hard to get or not recommended to go out of my you know uh private parts and then they had trouble getting him out of my stomach. So, uh, luckily they were able to solve that very quickly and, um, you know, he didn't have the cord wrapped around his neck or anything. They got him out and they held him above the drape and they're like, "Happy birthday. Congrats.

[00:34:24]It's your son." And he's covered in all of that like white Vernex coating. And I was like, "Uh, am I can you sew me up?"

[00:34:34]you know, like I I can't really I feel like I can't really enjoy this moment until I know that I'm okay. Um, so I was still very scared. They took him over to the table to, you know, do various things and I was like, "How long is it going to take to sew me up?" And they're like, "About 45 minutes," which I was like, "Oh my gosh, that's longer than I expected." And so it was really tough for me because I felt and honestly if if I would have filmed this video in the first few days, I probably would have been balling my eyes out cuz every time I tried to talk about the birth for the first few days, I was balling my eyes out cuz it it just made me feel so bad.

[00:35:14]um you know that I couldn't like I felt like I couldn't enjoy those first you know I don't know 30 minutes 40 minutes maybe an hour because I was just so scared for my own life and everything kind of feeling so out of my control at that point and um and so it's like I've waited nine months to meet my son like the most exciting thing.

[00:35:45]And then I just felt like I couldn't even open my eyes and smile cuz I was so afraid. Um, and so finally my husband puts him on my shoulder, you know, cuz you still have the drape and everything, but I like really started crying at that point cuz I wasn't really balling or anything uh before that, but he just it it felt like my son like wanted to reassure me in that moment. I mean, I know he's just like a little newborn baby, but he seemed very like I don't know, sweet and just it was like I felt like he was helping me regulate my nervous system in that moment, but then also I kind of felt like I could finally like just let it all out. all of my grief and sadness about it not being the birth that I expected and feeling kind of guilty that, you know, they had me pushed for an hour and a half and it bruised his head, which I guess a lot of babies get bruises, but like I felt really bad about that because I was just doing what I was told and, you know, it quote unquote hurt him or, you know, he he was fine. Like they didn't say he was there was anything abnormal about it, but basically I felt guilty because it was like almost pointless. You know, we ended up getting a C-section. Why didn't we just do that in the first place? But obviously they they want you to try and go vaginal if you can. So, it was just a lot of emotions about that and then also just feeling like, oh, I hope that he didn't feel rejected by me because I wasn't, you know, jumping for joy in the moment that he was first shown to me.

[00:37:27]Um, but luckily I, you know, calmed down once the surgery was done, which apparently I did hemorrhage. I didn't even know that. Um, my husband said that there was like a pool of blood on the floor and our doctor like I guess that he came to talk to us which my eyes were still closed. I wish I would have seen this, but he was like telling us how well everything went and you know the surgery went fine as he's like covered in blood and his hands are like dripping or you know his gloves are dripping blood and my husband just thought it was like a very funny moment because he's like trying to like reassure us meanwhile he's covered in blood. Uh but once we got out of the operating room, which I like cried like a really a really intense cry like I think the doctors were kind of like, "Oh my god, what is what's going on with this lady?"

[00:38:26]Um, and then [sighs] we went to a different room and I got to, you know, try and breastfeed him for the first time and I just look so like beat. I just look so tired in the photo that my husband took of us. And um, and I was tired and I was just I was just so exhausted. And actually, one of the nurses was like, "Hey, uh, I'm really worried about you. Like, I don't want to overstep, but can I like tell you something?" And I was like, "Yeah." And she's like, "You you're you're very very anxious." And I'm like, "I know.

[00:39:08][laughter] Like, I'm aware." And she was like, "Yeah, I have anxiety, too, and like I'm on meds for it, and it really has changed my life, and that might be something I want to think about." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm I'm open to that cuz you know, this anxiety is pretty crippling and feeling like you're going to die at every turn is not that great."

[00:39:30]Uh, among other things, I also have OCD, which I don't really talk about much, but I do have OCD. And so, it's it's like mental ruminations. But anyway, more on that in a little bit. So, um, first two days were were after I got out of the surgery, like a few hours later, um, you know, they want you to lay in bed or, you know, not stand up for about 6 hours, but then they want you to try and stand and walk to the restroom. And um I was nervous for that because after my femur surgery uh the first time I tried to like stand up I almost fainted and luckily that didn't happen. I felt pretty good right away and my C-section you know incision really didn't bother me that much. Um, I was taking like ibuprofen and the Tylenol. Uh, and I tried one one dose of, you know, the oxy and that made me itch all over. Um, and so that was it.

[00:40:34]Um, and that was the same thing with my femur. Like I was very averse to taking hardcore pain medication. I wanted to keep it as light as possible. And so that's what I ended up doing on this one, too. I just did the ibuprofen and Tylenol, but I've been off of that now for like a week, maybe a week and a half. I haven't taken any uh ibuprofen or Tylenol. So, like my C-section recovery has been really good. I think they did a really good job or I just healed really well or I I don't know, combination of the two, but like that has been the least of my concerns. And you know, for some people it's very, very difficult and they're in a lot of pain and they feel like they can't even hold their baby. And so I was really glad that that wasn't a hurdle for me because I had more hurdles to face. I thought that I was done and I kept telling, you know, friends and family how traumatic the birth was and I was like still crying about it a bunch. Um, and so the first two days were like pretty good and I felt like I could really just like enjoy my son and the magic of like seeing our baby and my husband was like so overjoyed as well and it was just crazy. It's like this is our baby and you know of course you're sending pictures to everyone and it was really great. And then the third day, and you know, I'm aware of things, scary things like postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. And um it felt like that third day that my OCD that I've had for a long time now just started to get worse like all of a sudden. And that's kind of when you're having that hormonal crash. So, I knew that, but it was like I felt like my thoughts were like getting really scary and I was just getting like anxiety about about my OCD getting worse, if that makes sense. And so, I'm really proud of myself for speaking up about it and just immediately saying to the staff like, "Hey, I'm I'm anxious. It feels like my OCD is getting worse. You know, help me." Um, and like I mentioned that uh nurse said that, you know, I noticed you had really bad anxiety, which she's not wrong. And um, and so I was kind of open to the idea of meds. And then when I started to have those mental sort of, I don't know, issues uh, on day three, I wanted to kind of nip that in the butt right away. And so that's what I did. I was like, I need help. So, we had a psychiatry consultation and I almost feel like it was an intervention that I really needed just for my life in general. Um because the meds have really really helped. And of course, you know, they're compatible with him and they're safe for breastfeeding. Um, they also gave me like a med to help me sleep, very low dose, but I was unable to sleep almost like at all for that first week.

[00:43:48]Um, I think that I netted about 14 hours of broken sleep over like 5 days, maybe six days. Um, and that was making me freak out because I was like, I've never been this sleepd deprived in my life. And it wasn't like I wasn't being afforded opportunities to sleep. It was like I couldn't turn my brain off. And so the first few days in the hospital, I didn't really notice it as much because I think I was just so excited. And also, you know, you have all this stuff running through your body from the surgery and adrenaline and hormones. And I kind of had like FOMO. I didn't want to go to sleep cuz I just wanted to like be with my son and be so excited about it. And uh and then and then I felt like I couldn't sleep when we got home. I think we were in the hospital for was it three days or four days? I think I guess we were there for four nights. got on got on the the you know anxiety meds, didn't get on the sleep meds until I had to get readmitted back to the hospital because on day five um I decided once we got home I wasn't sleeping and my husband was basically pulling allnighters by himself trying to let me sleep and I just felt like I could not turn my brain off. I've never been that stressed or sleepd deprived in my life ever. Ever. And you know, it's like I've had stressful times. Um, so this was bad and I was starting to get really worried because sleep is like and I know how important sleep is. And so it was like it was giving me anxiety about going to sleep cuz you know when you like lay there in bed and you can't sleep and it's really annoying and then it gets like kind of like I don't know anxietyinducing um cuz you feel this pressure to sleep.

[00:45:47]So anyway, uh I checked my blood pressure. We have a blood pressure cuff at home and it was really high or fairly high and then it was higher. And so I was sending like emergency messages to my OB in the middle of the night. They called me the next morning. They asked me to take a reading on the phone. It was high higher. And so they had me go back into the hospital to do monitoring.

[00:46:13]And I really wanted to bring him. But I realized that, you know, I need to tell them about my sleep thing and and try to sleep as much as I can. And so if we bring him, that'll defeat the purpose because he might be crying or, you know, I'll be I'll want to be attentive to the baby. And so, um, that night I spent without him. And it was super depressing because that's the last thing you want to be is without your baby after just having him. So, I'm back in the hospital because um my blood pressure has been super elevated and my liver levels were elevated and I haven't been able to hardly sleep.

[00:46:56]And so, I'm hoping that being here I'm still like not asleep. Um I started to maybe fall asleep in the other room and then they had to move me. So, I'm waiting for a sleeping med. It's like it's so frustrating to not be with my son and to not be with my family and my husband. But the best thing that I could do right now is sleep because I've had maybe 14 or 15 hours of sleep since Saturday and it's Wednesday.

[00:47:30]So, I don't know how I'm still functioning.

[00:47:34]Um, I'm barely functioning and I'm still breastfeeding and I'm still pumping.

[00:47:41]And so I'm really hoping that I can sleep. Um I'm waiting for them to bring me the thing that might actually put me to sleep.

[00:47:53]This is so frustrating.

[00:47:57]Like I just I miss my son so much and it feels like a cruel joke to have to be here 5 days postpartum. But everyone says that I did the right thing by coming because I'm not doing well. I'm like in crisis.

[00:48:15]So I think the sooner I can get my stuff resolved, you know, I need to do that for the baby. Um, but it sucks not being with him, especially so early on.

[00:48:33]At least he's doing well.

[00:48:38]And you know, his dad has help from grandma and uh I just hope I can sleep. They were able to, you know, monitor me. They didn't really need to do anything special.

[00:48:53]There were no like medications or interventions for the blood pressure.

[00:48:58]Um, you know, sometimes they need to do that stuff. I guess that my liver enzymes were elevated a little bit. Um well actually like double the amount of what they're supposed to be. So they were elevated. Uh but they did an ultrasound and that came back normal.

[00:49:14]And so I did ask them I talked to another psychiatrist and I was like hey I'm not sleeping and it's not because I don't want to. Um I'm desperate for sleep. And so they gave me sleeping meds and um and I was so so grateful. And then and then everything kind of got back to normal once I started sleeping.

[00:49:37]So I guess they said that the liver was not really, you know, because of the sleep deprivation and the stress, but I don't know, everything seemed to really be fine after that first week and all of those hurdles. So, it was kind of crazy because I already felt like so traumatized by the birth and I felt like I really didn't even have time to process that. Um, because then we had another set of problems that I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting anything to go wrong with my health upon coming home. You know, I kind of thought that I was in the clear and I was not.

[00:50:13]So that happened and uh and then and then that's it. Uh since then I really haven't had any problems.

[00:50:28]I mean obviously being a new mom is demanding and exhausting. It's exhausting to essentially be a cow um and produce milk for this little guy who's growing very quickly. Um, and I'm I'm lucky. I'm thankful because my milk production [gasps] god makes me tired, but it's also been really good. Um, like I guess, you know, some people also really struggle with that. So, for all the struggles I've had, there have been other areas where I feel like it's worked out really well and I'm very, very thankful for that. And so, being a new mom is now I feel like really great.

[00:51:09]And not to say that it wasn't great, but I was pretty miserable during the birth and uh you know some of those days the first week. But now that we're, you know, sort of adjusted as much as you can be, we're doing sleeping shifts and that has helped a lot because I'm able to take a very long stretch of sleep and then switch off with my husband and um I think that's really the only way to do it and have some sanity at the end of the day. Um, but we're going to go on a date night tonight and have grandma watch baby Orson. And I'm Yeah, that's basically my birth story.

[00:51:50]Man, I should have like recorded myself telling it on the phone to my friend because I feel like I told it in such a more funny way. Um, but whatever. Uh, yeah. What else?

[00:52:05]Yeah. So, did I fail the Bradley method?

[00:52:09]I guess. Um, but I really have no regrets about getting the epidural. And now, you know, I will say, like I mentioned, the day of the birth, I was kind of like, I don't ever want to do this again, ever, ever, ever. And now that I know that it'll be a C-section going into it, we definitely want to have a sibling for him. So, I will do it again eventually, but um it is not a walk in the park. And I am someone who thinks I have a very high pain tolerance. And this has given me such a respect more respect for women. Um, yeah, cuz it's a it's crazy. Birth is not trivial and anything can happen and you have to stay adaptable. Huh, buddy?

[00:52:58]How you doing?

[00:53:00]How you doing?

[00:53:03]Are you having a good nap?

[00:53:06]And so that that is the story of how we came to meet finally. Huh. Yeah. So I don't know how do I end this? Um I'm very grateful for the doctors that we had. I'm very grateful uh that I went to a hospital. Not that I ever wasn't going to go to a hospital, but I think that you cannot risk these things. birth is too crazy and too many things can happen. Um, and I'm so glad that we are both healthy and happy.

[00:53:44]Yeah.

[00:53:46]Yeah. And he's a big boy. And they were right. He was almost nb. So he was a big boy. He was a big boy.

[00:53:56]Yes.

[00:53:58]So yeah, that is my birth story.

[00:54:05]Uh, [snorts] but time heals all and um I guess I guess I'll do it again.

[00:54:15][laughter] So here's a little story all about how my life got twisted upside down.

[00:54:23]That's how it happened.

[00:54:26]How is it for you?

[00:54:34]You sound like a little pug sometimes.

[00:54:36]How was your birth?

[00:54:39]10 out of 10.

[00:54:46]Okay.

[00:54:47]Oh. Oh no. Why you spit up? Oh no.

[00:54:52]Why you spit up?

[00:54:55]It's just a tiny bit.

[00:54:59]Oh, here's a little fart.

[00:55:05]That was not me. That was him.

[00:55:10]So, oh my gosh, [laughter] you're pooping.

[00:55:18]Okay, so let's just get started here.

[00:55:29]I'm going to wait a second.