Sold His House, Moved In, Got Relegated To A Small Room | His Breaking Point

[00:00:00]What if I told you there was nothing more you could have done.

[00:00:05]There was nothing more you could have said.

[00:00:07]There weren't any other compromises or sacrifices you could have made for her.

[00:00:14]What if I told you the years you've spent carrying guilt never should have belonged to you. Because that's what the man, an exhausted man, believes. If he could have given more uh become more successful, compromised more, become stronger, jumped through more hoops for her. Eventually she would come to the point where it was enough. Eventually everything you've done, everything you've given would finally be enough.

[00:00:48]But that moment never seems to come. The reality is this.

[00:00:54]You can spend your entire life trying to earn something that never needed to be earned in the first place. The day that a man realizes this he's no longer a broken man. He's finally free. He finally can have peace.

[00:01:10]So, I have two stories for you today.

[00:01:14]One is for the guy who's dating, and one is for the married man. But if you're watching this and you're divorced, you can relate to both of these stories I'm about to share.

[00:01:25]The first one is a guy I've done a one-on-one with named Mike.

[00:01:30]Mike and I talked recently. He shared with me how he had been dating a woman just under a year.

[00:01:38]Jumping through all the hoops, doing everything that he could to keep her, to try and make her happy. You name it, he was doing it. Here's what he shared with me that really shocked me. Now, they're dating, so they live in two different homes.

[00:01:55]He shared with me that every weekday he would go get her a coffee bring it over to her place give her the coffee while she was getting ready for work he would walk her dog. Now, he didn't do this every once in a while. He didn't do it once or twice a week. He did it Monday through Friday every single week. I sat there listening to this and I was just wow.

[00:02:24]I mean, I've heard of jumping through hoops, but this is really jumping through hoops. So, Mike is sharing this story with me and he's telling me all the things that he's done for this woman he's dating. Even to the point of bringing her coffee and walking her dog every weekday. So she would have more free time in the morning to get ready for work. So, Mike continues to tell me this story of how things were going and how they seemed to be getting worse and worse. The more he did the less she seemed to appreciate it.

[00:03:05]And you know what's coming.

[00:03:06]He finally ended the story with she dumped him. Now, let me put this in perspective for you as well. Mike is in his early 50s. The woman that he was dating is in her late 50s and she dumped him after all that he had been doing. It wasn't enough. So, we're having this conversation and he's asking me, "What else could I have done? What more could I have done?"

[00:03:34]And I told him, "Nothing. You were doing too much." Now, John's story John and I did a one-on-one as well. John is married and he had shared with me how he had met a single mom with two young children under the age of 10. Now, that was the first red flag. You stay away from single mothers, but I digress.

[00:03:57]John shares his story with me. He had met this single mom with two young children under 10 years old.

[00:04:05]They had dated for around a year, and around the one-year mark, he decides to propose to her. Yeah. Now, I'm shaking my head going, "What?"

[00:04:19]John proposes to this single mother with two young children. Why? I don't know.

[00:04:25]And just so you know, in both of these stories, these are not bad-looking guys.

[00:04:29]These are guys who are relatively successful in their careers. They're not losers by any stretch. But, John decides to propose to this single mother after only a year of dating.

[00:04:42]They set the wedding date. They get married.

[00:04:45]Now, during this process, John sold his home.

[00:04:50]He moved into her home, and he's sharing with me how she had given him, which was essentially what used to be the kids' playroom as his office. I mean, he's literally been put like in the corner of the house.

[00:05:05]That's what he's been given. He has compromised. He has sacrificed. He has shrunken himself down to the nth degree.

[00:05:15]And for a single mother with two young children.

[00:05:19]Now, I'm scratching my head during this whole conversation going, "You've got to be kidding me." But, John continues his story. So, they've been married about 6 months now.

[00:05:28]And he's telling me how he's been relegated literally to this little room in the house. He's gotten rid of all his belongings. He's now completely in her frame. He has compromised. He has sacrificed. He's jumped through all the hoops, then he shares with me the sex has essentially dried up. He shares with me how most nights after she's gone to bed, the kids are in bed, he sits up alone having a few adult beverages wondering how he got to this place. Now, you may be watching this and you may be shaking your head. You might even see yourself in these stories I just shared with you, and they're real.

[00:06:13]But see, that's the trap that a lot of men fall into. They fool themselves into believing that if I can just do enough, she'll finally appreciate it. The realization is this, man.

[00:06:26]She will gladly accept all the compromise and the sacrifices and you jumping through all these hoops, bringing her coffee in the morning, and walking her dog, she's perfectly fine accepting all those things that you do for her, and still being disappointed, still telling you it's not enough. You still don't measure up. That's the theme of this message. That's what we're talking about here today.

[00:06:54]You give, and you give, and you give, and she takes, and she takes, and she takes. And then you're told it still isn't enough. They will never be satisfied no matter what you do or how much you do. You can sacrifice, you can work harder, you can become more successful, you can make more money, you can listen to her, you can be more patient with her, you can try to be emotionally available and all that other nonsense. You try to become everything that she asked you to become, and yet you still walk away wondering why is it never enough? Well, in this message, we're going to talk about that. And we're also going to discuss how it was purposely done.

[00:07:38]So, who is this man that we're describing, and why is he operating on this flawed mentality, this flawed equation? More effort, more work, more love, more respect, more compromise, more sacrificing. So, what does this man do?

[00:07:57]He shrinks himself down to a fraction of the man that he was.

[00:08:02]But, at the same time, he's upgrading himself or trying to upgrade himself based on what she tells him he needs to upgrade. He's trying to be stronger, he's trying to communicate better, he's trying to be more successful, earn more money, do a better job as a man and as a husband or a boyfriend. And all of these things that he's doing he's doing for her. And he's wondering to himself or thinking to himself, "There is a time where I'm going to reach the goal. I'm actually going to get over the goal line."

[00:08:38]But, the problem is what this man finds is that the goal, the goal post, keeps being moved by her. He never reaches the goal. And it's by design. And where does this come from? It comes from in our society and culture where the whole nonsense about the happy wife, happy life mentality. Or, if you're in the dating scene, the happy woman, happy man mentality. It's a farce. It is a trap set up for men. It's purposely designed to keep you in the mode and mentality where you will just keep working. You'll just keep putting out more and more effort. And she knows you're never going to reach the goal. And how is this guy sold this bill of goods?

[00:09:32]Through guilt and manipulation and gaslighting. And this is how it plays out.

[00:09:38]He's working 50, 60, 70 hours a week.

[00:09:42]He's helping around the house. He's taking care of himself. He's doing everything he knows to do. He's also trying to meet her needs as well, which are ever-changing and seem to be dependent on her mood that day. So, she guilts him through manipulation and gaslighting.

[00:09:59]The hard work, the compromises, the sacrifices, those are ignored.

[00:10:04]And what's pointed out is what you didn't do, or if you did it, it wasn't done right, or it wasn't done enough. And that's how the guilt is purposely installed in you as a man.

[00:10:19]Now, it's not done all at once. It's done over time. It accumulates. She shares one disappointment after another.

[00:10:26]She tells you how you just don't get it.

[00:10:29]You don't seem to care. You seem to be more concerned with yourself. Now, you know that's not the reality.

[00:10:37]But see, that's where the manipulation and gaslighting comes in. And eventually, over time, you actually start to question yourself.

[00:10:45]Maybe I am the problem. Maybe she is right. Maybe I'm not doing enough.

[00:10:52]See, that is done by design. It's not an accident. It is a specific pattern.

[00:10:59]Freedom and peace to you as a man can only come when you release that guilt.

[00:11:03]When you come to that realization, it's not that I wasn't doing enough. It It wasn't that I wasn't enough. It's that I was dealing with a person who could never be satisfied. She was never going to be happy. She was never going to be content. Someone had to be the villain in the story, and I guess it was me.

[00:11:25]This is where a lot of guys lose themselves. And I have to admit, I mean, I was this guy at one point myself.

[00:11:32]And the reason why we as men do this is because we want to fix things. We want to be the provider. We want to be the protector.

[00:11:42]We want to be her hero.

[00:11:45]I think a lot of women know this.

[00:11:48]And unfortunately, some will use it to manipulate. A man will look at something and think, "Okay, there's a problem.

[00:11:56]Let's figure out the solution. I want to fix it. I want to be that fixer." But when it comes to some of these problems, whether you're dating or whether you're in a marriage, not all of these problems are ours to solve. Actually, some of them are just manufactured. And then there's the reality of this.

[00:12:15]She doesn't want them to be resolved.

[00:12:18]She just wants someone to blame. She wants someone to focus her emotions on.

[00:12:25]If she can put the blame on you, here's the reality.

[00:12:29]Not everything that is broken is your responsibility to fix.

[00:12:34]But she's hoping you will think it is.

[00:12:37]She's hoping you will take on that burden. You'll take on that responsibility every single time and you will make it yours.

[00:12:46]That way it doesn't have to be hers. And that way she can always point the finger and say, "It's never enough." And how is this done?

[00:12:54]Many times a man will measure his success with her by her happiness. Is she content? Is she okay?

[00:13:04]Is she in the right mood today based on my performance? Her mood becomes your barometer. And this is where a lot of guys cease to exist. They disappear. They become a shell or a fraction of the man that they once knew.

[00:13:23]And she knows it. She's banking on it.

[00:13:25]She knows that if you become this man, if you are constantly trying to be enough, when she knows you're never going to be enough, she holds the power, she holds the control. And you're the one that's trying to jump through her hoops. A man will think to himself, "If she's unhappy, if she's not content, if I haven't met her needs, then I must have failed." Nothing could be further from the truth. Her happiness, her being content with her life, meeting every single one of her needs, which is not possible. Her emotional state, her happiness, is not your report card. That is not your burden to carry. That's a burden she places on you. So, let's talk about the exhaustion, because it's not just a physical thing. It's a mental and emotional thing. Now, there's a difference between a man who is broken, he's beaten down, he's a shadow of the man that he used to be, but he keeps trying. He still keeps putting out the effort. He's still working hard. He's still trying to reach that goal.

[00:14:36]There's a difference between that man and the man who's just done. The man who's done, he goes silent, and he starts to prepare to walk away. But getting back to the exhaustion, it's ironic, ma'am.

[00:14:49]You can go to the gym, and it's not exhausting. You can work those 60, 70 hours a week, and it's not as exhausting as what you're dealing with with her.

[00:15:00]Life itself is exhausting.

[00:15:03]But the burden that you have been carrying with her, never being enough, never measuring up, always having to jump through another hoop, that is what breaks a man down.

[00:15:17]That's the real burden that brings a man down. Living your with a constant thought, I still haven't done enough. I still need to do more. I need to put out even more effort. That is what makes a man exhausted, that belief. Because when you have that belief, subconsciously or consciously, you know deep down inside you're never going to win. You're like the guy that who's pushing the boulder up the hill. And yet, you never seem to get to the top of the hill. The more you push, the harder you work, the hill gets higher and higher. And again, I will emphasize, that false belief was purposely put there. It was put there through guilt, manipulation, and gaslighting. You know what I'm talking about. When you're told what you've done what you have done for years has never been enough, how selfish you are, how you only think of yourself.

[00:16:19]How you just don't understand her. You don't understand her needs. You don't care about her needs. At this point in the message, you're probably nodding your head because you've been through everything I'm describing. And it's something that can drive you insane because you do come to the realization you're never going to be enough. Here's the truth that I want to share with you.

[00:16:44]You can be a good man. You can be a good boyfriend, a good husband, a good father, and still not be chosen.

[00:16:54]You can do all these things that we've described here, and she still leaves.

[00:17:00]You can do all these things, and she still tells you you're not enough. He's depending on it because women know men, generally speaking, have a internal belief if I'm enough, if I put forth the effort, if I work hard, if I do everything, if I become the man she wants me to be, she'll stay. She won't leave. I just need to be loyal. I need to be loving. I need to be committed, and everything will work out just fine.

[00:17:34]How many guys do this and still lose?

[00:17:38]And realize something.

[00:17:40]Her leaving, her ending things, her telling you it was never enough.

[00:17:46]It wasn't because you lacked value and worth. It was because of her own lack of integrity and character. So, let's talk about making this identity shift. Going from a place where you're constantly trying to earn her validation and approval to a place you don't need it anymore. When I think about this, I think there are two versions of this man. There's the version of the man who keeps trying, keeps putting out more effort, more work, more compromises, more sacrifices, trying to be enough.

[00:18:24]And I think in the back of his mind though, this man knows he's never going to be enough. Then there's the other version of this man. This is the guy who knows his value and worth. He knows this is something he's not going to negotiate. If he's not meeting her needs, if the goalpost keeps moving every time, he understands this is on her. This is her problem, not his. The difference between these two versions of a man are you're no longer discounting your value just to keep the relationship at any cost. You're trying to keep the peace at any cost. You're trying to get her to stay at any cost. You're no longer that man. You know your value, you know your worth. You are solidly in your frame, not in hers. Ultimately, what we're talking about is really not even about her. It's about him. It's about him deciding what he's going to tolerate and what he will not tolerate. It's about him realizing he was enough. He was always enough.

[00:19:38]The problem wasn't him. The problem was the expectations and the burdens that were put on him were unfair, were extreme, unnecessary, and they were purposely placed there to constantly keep him back on his heels, constantly keep him in a place where he never felt at peace. He was always worried about the relationship and whether or not she was happy. What we're talking about here, ultimately, is self-respect. It's a man who knows his standards and boundaries. He knows what he will tolerate. He knows what he will not tolerate. He knows the needs and expectations she's asking for that are reasonable, and he knows the ones that are not. He realizes the manipulation, the gaslighting, the guilt. He sees all this, but he's not going to let himself be run into the ground trying to meet her needs, her expectations, to never be enough, no matter what.

[00:20:43]He knows it's a losing proposition. So, if you watching this, if you saw yourself in what we've described here today, if you've carried unnecessary guilt for years, if you've tried and tried to be enough and the goal the goal post just kept being moved, you never could attain it. The more you did, the less it was appreciated. Actually, just the opposite. You were told it was never enough. I'll leave you with this.

[00:21:15]When you realize [snorts] all the effort, everything you've done, the investment that you've made, when you've done all that for the wrong person, or the person who refused to appreciate it, that's when you come to the realization and you stop wasting that investment. You also stop buying into the lie. The lie that you were sold, you were never enough, and it was a lie. I appreciate you watching. If you're not subscribed, join the Resilient Man community. This community is about men advocating for men. You can see it in the comments, men encouraging and and supporting each other. If you know a guy that would benefit from this message, send it to him now. He probably needs to hear it more than he realizes.

[00:22:06]If you need to talk, I do some one-on-one coaching here on the channel.

[00:22:10]Also, I created the Resilient Man Manifesto. It's a guide, it's some tips to help you navigate some of the things that we discuss here on the channel. If this content is helping and you want to support our work here, you can do so through super thanks, maybe buy me a cup of coffee or cold one. It is greatly appreciated and it really does help support the channel. These messages will help you in your growth as well. We'll see you in the next message. Know your worth. Protect your peace.