I've been navigating an AuDHD Tug-of-War…

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-30

[00:00:00]Warm welcome. Thank you for joining me.

[00:00:04]I hope you're all well. Thought we'd grab a bowl, that chickens out, and have a nata in the garden. Uh title of the day, letting go. And yeah, I just wanted to cover a topic. So basically quite often I get stuck in loops and mindset becomes very stuck. I think it's a neurody divergent quirk where something happens and it just sort of gets hold of you. Uh, I'll explain more as we go down, but I thought we'd uh I've packed me bowl, grab me. We're on the second coffee of the day. We are uh you like the skylight.

[00:01:03]It's a little That's um I'll show you what that is.

[00:01:19]Sounds a bit of ambiance on the night when you're doing your big tails.

[00:01:24]Uh, I hope the sound's all right. I've not I've not added the uh what's it called. I'm very unorganized this morning. Just looking for my Where is it? I got it. There it is.

[00:01:38]Right. Yep.

[00:01:47]You got me. There we go. Actually track.

[00:01:52]So I grab a coffee. Feed chickens.

[00:02:03]Sort of moody, warm.

[00:02:06]One of them days. Got wind as well.

[00:02:09]We've been uh I can't put that on the camera, can I? I will do. Uh, yeah, I'll show you.

[00:02:22]Got real nice skies.

[00:02:25]Yeah, I've had a rate going on. I have.

[00:02:29]So, I bought myself I was So, I've got ADHD, very impulsive, and I bought myself a Moog.

[00:02:43]Um, what's it called?

[00:02:46]A Moog.

[00:02:49]Can't remember which one it was, but they're expensive synthesizers. And I used credit in order to do this. Uh, and basically it's this paying six weeks thing. And then the ADHD impulse sort of Why is this uh Is it doing it? Yeah. So, the ADHD impulse got the better of me. It did.

[00:03:16]And um anyway, I quickly realized that I maybe should just hold off. So, I cancelled the order. And then the Zilch, it was Zilch that I used. The card got the money back.

[00:03:31]Uh but then it took a it took a payment out my bank for the whole amount. So, I'd applied for this credit and it took the payment for the whole amount and it's just completely fucking completely stressed me out. Uh, I know that it's just a bank hold and all that, but I've just been like fixated and I'm an anxious and worried about it. And then it just got me thinking about how we are in charge our of our own mindset.

[00:03:57]And quite often we get stuck in these loops and these ways of thinking when when the reality is at any given minute we can just decide to stop stop caring. Um yeah and I think quite often in life these sort of things happen. Anyway, I'm going to grab me coffee and then we'll sort of So, there's me uh nonanalog coffee machine. Now, I did a video on the analog lifestyle.

[00:04:35]Uh I don't know if any of you have seen that one, but god it caused a stare. Did that coffee machine. I committed absolute analog crime number one because I have a coffee machine that's uh it's actually a ' 90s design, I think. But yeah, it caused such a bloody cross angry stare. They said, "How can you, you know, how dare you talk about the analog lifestyle while you've got a posh coffee machine?"

[00:05:09]Um, so yeah, I just thought it was really funny. I must have got about 20 20 comment. I just deleted them because they're they're all bit neg and I just think don't really want to have the argument with anybody but I just thought it was quite funny. Obviously, I was talking about social media and the internet and sort of using CDs and sort of trying to be analog in the style of like uh you know, I was talking about the negative aspects of the world and how we didn't have we already had a good um system going back in sort of the ' 90s with the music and media and all the rest of it. And then yeah, just uh I just think it's funny uh that cuz I'd put cuz I'd used a Hang on. Is this bloody uh because I'd used an um coffee machine.

[00:06:04]Um, I had no authority or place to speak because how dare he talk about the analog lifestyle while enjoying a coffee from a coffee machine. Uh, now I'm pretty sure coffee machines like this have actually been going since the '90s.

[00:06:30]Uh, this is a Magnificent S. We've had We've had about three of these over the years and it's not changed. Uh we just love it. She loves it more than me to be honest. It's her uh when she got a coffee machine, she gets very very very upset. So I just thought it was quite funny. Now I am on the lookout for I've got per somewhere.

[00:06:58]Where is she? We we was using that Uh, I've also got one of these. This is what I like to use. Uh, so we have got our manual options, but I think I will I will look into sort of grinding my own coffee. So, I'm now using a microwave that's also a '90s design, but god forbid is embracing technology while also thinking about analoging other areas of the lifestyle.

[00:07:35]Yeah, I just think it's funny. Oh, it's lost me. Has it got me?

[00:07:41]This tracking is not doing very well, is it? Yeah, it's a bit What is it doing?

[00:07:47]There we go.

[00:07:49]got it got me.

[00:07:51]Yeah, that's better. Sorry, the tracking just keeps going off cuz the Yeah. Anyway, rambly. Let's go out there. What I need to do is chicken feed. I do I do think I've already been out this morning, but I'll feed them. If I've already fed them, I'll just let them out. But I can wait.

[00:08:26]Look at that full sky.

[00:08:31]It's very uh it's very warm this morning. We got I got my coffee and uh Oh, yeah. It takes some getting used to this camera. Hey, another one. It's empty pockets. Right, let's go down chicken.

[00:09:00]I do believe we've already been down this morning.

[00:09:04]Hello there.

[00:09:08]Yeah, I like to like to get them fed.

[00:09:15]to get them fed and then let them out cuz the uh the little monkeys they have they'll uh they'll not bother eating the food and then everything else will eat it. So an hour or so and they've eating that started hiding eggs around the garden as well. So that's always fun isn't it?

[00:09:42]All right.

[00:09:44]He got me.

[00:09:46]There we go. I tell you.

[00:09:49]Oh, yeah. Good morning. I hope you're all well.

[00:09:53]And uh yeah, I've had that that situation with uh letting go uh cast upon me over the last couple of days. And what's it doing?

[00:10:08]Right. I'm going to turn this tracking off cuz it's just been a nuisance.

[00:10:12]That's over.

[00:10:19]Sorry about that. Yeah, I'm hoping to do this video in one sec. So, uh, apologies for the fapping.

[00:10:30]I've left me bloody camera, aren't I?

[00:10:32]Sorry, camera. I've left my bloody lighter.

[00:10:38]Ah, look at that.

[00:10:41]Perfect.

[00:10:46]So, letting go. Letting go.

[00:10:48]Quite often something happens in our lives, doesn't it? And uh it can be an unexpected issue with the car or something happens with the bank and your money's tied up and you've got no money or uh I don't know what else is there.

[00:11:10]someone does something god awful and you just weren't expecting it. It's them things that catch you off guard and then you can find yourself like automatically slipped straight back into the talking part of your brain that takes over and text charge and then you spend the next day or so just in complete run away with your thoughts and and then all of a sudden you suddenly remember hang on a minute I don't actually have to be attached to this situation I could just let it go. I could remember that I am not them thoughts because what that what's happened there is there's been a big mix up in the brain there where the brain started like jumped onto it and took over and now that's in charge and it's just like taking you down this thought line constantly and then you get no quiet and then and then when you do realize that actually you're not your thoughts you're not your emotions and at any given moment you can just simply choose to just let go and yeah I just thought uh I thought it was good. I wanted to share because uh I found myself yesterday really taken off guard by that and uh I really and then I was worried that I was going to get my money back and all this kind of shit and um and what I've remembered this morning is like hang on a minute James everything matters but not a lot. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't matter.

[00:12:39]It's uh just one of them annoying situations that uh happened and obviously your brain it catastrophizes don't it? And oh but you might not get it back and I sure of course he'll get it back. It's Yeah.

[00:12:58]Yeah. So I wanted to dedicate the video to to letting go really. U lots of stuff happens don't it?

[00:13:09]Uh you think it's fucking you think it's you think it's a major catastrophe event and actually it's just a a minor banking blip in a couple of days that illustrated itself out. Uh but it's my own fault. I was being impulsive.

[00:13:26]Thought I'll try and get wanted this Moog messenger. That was it.

[00:13:30]The Moog Messenger.

[00:13:33]Um but then I realized that we've got to be responsible. So my responsible head then kicked in after the impulse had kicked in and um I cancelled the order with Amazon. Uh the money then then zilch that which is the company that I was using said that they've got the money back blah blah blah but then Amazon took this £264 payment just randomly out my bank and I was just like oh what you know so that was like one of the installments. So there's 210 installment plus the 264. So 500 quid just just completely whipped out my bank and I was like oh no we're towards the end of the month as well. So it doesn't it doesn't always help does it though. But yeah, anyway, long story short, catastrophized in my head for 24 hours and then I've given my head a shake this morning and I thought I was just stuck in one of them artistic loops. Uh where I'm just like can't shift my way of thinking.

[00:14:40]Um, and anyway, uh, I've been mess trying to get all the you know, I don't know if anybody's ever tried to get Amazon. It's absolutely disgraceful nowadays.

[00:14:52]But very very long cues and then the bank as well. And then obviously um, zilch. So nobody sort of they're basically saying just wait.

[00:15:08]Yeah. So anyway, stuck in a loop and I've realized that I don't really need to be uh in that bit that loop pattern.

[00:15:16]So this morning I'm feeling a bit better.

[00:15:22]Yeah.

[00:15:25]So I do know do know all the tricks of the you know I know all the teachings and all the uh going on about sort of mindfulness and all the rest of it. But there is occasions where obviously I get caught off guard and I do think my ADHD impulsiveness causes trouble and then my autistic side of me then gets really upset with myself for being impulsive and obviously so they've got this internal battle going on all the time and obviously um I think from an artistic side I'm very catastrophizing very uh worry about you know it's because it what it was is it was a pattern interrupter It interrupted my plans uh cuz I had I did have plans yesterday and I didn't didn't I could it was it changed my plans and with that causes great trouble to the autistic side of me and then obviously internally I'm cross with myself for causing this trouble that I've caused because of my ADHD impulsiveness.

[00:16:31]Uh, and my and now my ADHD impulsiveness is actually upset because he's not got his mood messenger. Um, and my artistic side's crossed because my plans and my routine and my structures being affected. And then um and then while all that's going on internally, I'm like actually not them thoughts. Like the ADHD and the autism are very brain stuff when actually we're just spirits plugged into this reality and all I need to do is just go don't worry about it. It's fine. Uh nothing matters. Um just sort of try and get past it. So yeah. So tug of war tug of war going on in the old brain. It is what sort of tugof-war situation you got going on in the head at the moment?

[00:17:25]Anything interesting?

[00:17:29]I uh I was very very very very cross yesterday and uh the bank Amazon and Zilch all got the tellings. Not I wasn't rude or anything just uh persistent I think is the word to put it.

[00:17:50]But yeah anyway I've got nowhere and then I realized that I just need to wait and be patient.

[00:17:57]Um, so and the funniest thing is as well, I won't actually be doing anything. It's just the very act that something's changed that's uh caused a a ripple in the ocean. Do you know what I mean? And I'm talking absolute shit, aren't I?

[00:18:20]Bit muddled up. I've had no sleep as well. I've been on like three hours sleep for the last three nights.

[00:18:28]which even for me that's too little. Do you know what I mean? So, usually I get four or five and I can sort of I do all right with that. But the last few nights have just been on free like it's been like crazy, you know. So, need to uh need to come up with a strategy to deal with that really. sort of having a bit of a digital detox and it's putting myself in so I'm in more in my own head space more.

[00:18:59]Uh so obviously uh where I was spending all my time on my phone I'm not. So I think there's a bit of uh adjusting friction all the rest of it going on with that. Um, I do actually think that the digital world, I mean, obviously I'm talking about this analog rebellion sort of stuff where I sort of put down the phone and the devices and the internet and all this, try and spend more time away from that. But I actually do recognize the digital world as a very very very positive thing for people with ADHD and autism. Um, I mean obviously just this just this uh YouTube thing that's going on is given me this place to just ramble for 20 minutes and then have chats in the comments with people and that's nothing but a positive.

[00:19:56]Uh, it's just the scrolling bit that was doing my head in because I was finding myself dopamine chasing all the time. So yeah, I don't want to drop back into that.

[00:20:09]cuz that's finding hours we're going on an evening, you know, when they when you stop doing all your stuff for the day.

[00:20:23]We're thinking about music a lot more as well. Yeah, I've got this device called the Syntact, which is like a a drum machine by Electron.

[00:20:33]And um I feel like I'm sort of moving into an obsession with that. at the moment.

[00:20:40]Uh, which is good. It's a healthy obsession.

[00:20:44]Um, it's just got two new. It's just got a massive update as the device that I've got. So, it's it was just sort of a drum machine. I said just it's fantastic sculpt sound sculpting device. Uh, so you get like your high hats and your beats and uh your drum bit, you know, your drum, whatever, whatever sounds you've got. And then it's got two uh synth sounds onto it as well that you can adjust and manipulate and all the rest of it. H, but they just put a sampling update on it. So it's also now so the Zintact is a very very powerful device but when you're trying to make like high hat sounds and various drum sounds it's not very realistic and they've added in uh a sampler into this device now which basically means you can record in your own sounds to it and then manipulate it. So now you've got access. So it's now a more well-rounded device which is quite exciting. So, that's what sort of set me off on the obsession with that cuz I'm quite excited about it. And yeah, should be good. I'm watching lots of YouTube videos, funnily enough, about the syntax just to try and refresh my memory of how how to use it. And then um got big plans for a weekend jam with it, which should be good.

[00:22:17]I'm going to step away from the MPC, you know, the big device for a little bit.

[00:22:21]Just struggling to be motivated with it.

[00:22:24]So, I figured I'd just move on to the uh Syntax device that I've got. And obviously, as you can see, I'm thinking about music. So, then I was thinking about getting myself a synthesizer, which was that Moog Messenger, which was would have been brilliant, but uh too just too impulsive really. And I probably get it and then it'll just sit there for six months. So, I should be really using the stuff that I've got.

[00:22:47]So, that's where we've got with that one.

[00:22:50]Yeah, as you can see, it's a very scatty, rambly video.

[00:22:59]Um, I just wanted I just wanted to one hit record.

[00:23:06]Um cuz this is sort of a side I don't think you've seen of me when where I'm quite scatty in my thought processes. Um I'm a bit here there and everywhere at the moment because of a couple of things. Um sleep.

[00:23:22]Um a bit boredom as well. I'm a bit fed up.

[00:23:26]I'm a bit feeling a bit stuck. Like my ADHD side really wants like novelty and excitement and new stuff. and we live in the middle of nowhere. And obviously that's perfect for the autistic side of my brain, but not my my ADHD is just bored shitless to be honest.

[00:23:45]So yeah, anyway, I just wanted to sort of put a video out there of me in my uh frazzly state. This is an RDHD frazzle day, I think, where I can't organize my thoughts. I'm a bit scatty, a bit stressed and all the rest of it. Yeah.

[00:24:11]But the essence of the video is the art of letting go, I think. Uh I've been stuck in a loop.

[00:24:20]I got really upset with that bank thing.

[00:24:22]Like because it just completely like messed up my plans. So I got unbelievably upset with that. Uh which is very autistic of me.

[00:24:32]Um, and I'm just pulling myself round today with the message of just letting go because everything matters but not a lot and doesn't actually matter. It's just a couple of days. Just have to learn to uh restructure my bra my plans for the weekend rather than what I did have planned. But yeah, so if you're a neurody divergent person, I'm pretty sure you can relate very well to my scrambly rambly here, there, and everywhere video today. Um, and if you're feeling like I am, I just want to remind you and me and my ADHD and my autism that everything matters, but not a lot. and to just go with the flow. You know, remember that your brain's going off on one and then just try and bring yourself back to concentrating on something positive, you know. It is positive.

[00:25:30]There's nothing actually gone on. It's ridiculous, you know. And sometimes we just have to give our heads a shake, don't we? So, yeah. This is for the new divergent folk out there that are like me. I want you to see my scrambliness.

[00:25:44]And uh it's not just you. If uh you have these moments and then wonder what the heck's up here, uh it's a perfectly normal natural thing to be absolutely all over the place. Especially when plans are interrupting your flow as it were.

[00:26:03]Anyway, I'm going to go cuz I'm talking absolute rubbish. I'll see you in the next one. down.