Aspirin for the Masses | English Romantic Comedy Movie 4K

[00:01:48][snorts] [snorts] I'm remembering Broadway.

[00:02:09]It was flag day, a holiday. I [snorts] was on my way to work.

[00:02:24][snorts] Hey, Roland Pavlovich. Friend, you seem like a smart man, one who can appreciate an invention as revolutionary as the wheel. You with me?

[00:02:35]>> No.

[00:02:35]>> Uh, what's your name?

[00:02:37]>> Got to run.

[00:02:38]>> Uh, then you don't mind if I call you Will? My dad's name was Will before he died. He used to take me fishing out at Lake Pastic. The trees had once been on dry land, but now they seem to just grow out from the lake. Nowadays, those fish are lucky to have trees to hide in. That lake is as polluted as hell. You never know when a fossilized pamper is gonna float to the surface. I don't care.

[00:03:02]>> Say, you got a son? My boy, little Willie, teenager. He's all cocking elbows. We used to be real close before he ran off with my wife, leaving me to raise his two sisters alone.

[00:03:14]>> Unless you can tell me how it's hard work bringing up children.

[00:03:18]>> I spent most of my youth waiting for dad to ask me to change the channel on the television. Back then, you gave birth to your remote control and your bartender.

[00:03:27]I used to love to get my dad a beer.

[00:03:29]Will, please hear me out. It's not Will.

[00:03:32]It's James. I used to be a corporate guy. I had the Four Corners region to myself. All four corners. In 1992, they gave me a Seville. I love that car. You want to see a picture of my uh girl Joanie? She's not much of a fisherman, but she tries. Or or my daughter Sue?

[00:03:51]That's s i o u x like the Indians. S I O U X.

[00:03:55]>> What good is a smartphone when you have a dumbass operator?

[00:03:59]>> I can't figure [clears throat] this thing out at all. They call this smart.

[00:04:02]What's smart is having a secretary to answer and return all your calls.

[00:04:06]>> Never had luck with women but sales.

[00:04:08]That's my thing.

[00:04:09]>> [ __ ] They're all [ __ ] >> Women?

[00:04:12]>> No, just my wives. Well, my five ex-wives. And from the smell of things, she's about to be the next ex. I can smell the arrival of divorce papers like the ocean breeze. It's a six sense.

[00:04:26]Wait, you're not here to serve me, are you? God damn it, I knew it. They always hit right after bonuses. I was just beginning to like you. This year, I'd take my entire bonus check in cash.

[00:04:42]Small bills, $67,000.

[00:04:45]Uh-huh.

[00:04:46]>> You know the great thing about small bills? They fit very nicely into a g-string.

[00:04:53]>> Well, I am here to serve you.

[00:04:54]>> I knew it.

[00:04:55]>> But not with papers. With a product.

[00:04:57]>> I think I'd rather have a damn papers.

[00:04:59]>> You haven't heard my pitch.

[00:05:01]>> 30 seconds.

[00:05:02]>> I have got a product which is going to revolutionize the way America and you, James, my favorite American eats lunch.

[00:05:10]Unlike every other rightthinking citizen, you, my friend, have not yet been hooked up to the tuna salad super pipeline. I'm talking tuna salad piped into every home in the country, if not the world. We put the spigot right at the kitchen sink. Oh, I get it. You're joking. This is one of those shows.

[00:05:30]>> You got your slice of bread in one hand.

[00:05:32]So, where's the camera?

[00:05:33]>> Turn on the miraculous float tuna. Gug glug glo.

[00:05:36]>> How's my hair? And you've got a nutritious and delicious meal in the other hand.

[00:05:41]>> Get away from me.

[00:05:43]>> We're short on capital but high on vision. You freaking nut go back to the hole.

[00:05:48]>> You haven't heard the best part. In the not too distant future, we're going to have 500 flavors. Lime, key lime, lemon lime.

[00:05:56]>> Hey, what's your name? Uh, Roman Pablo.

[00:05:58]>> Hey, hey, hey, hey. Take your hands off me. Take your hands off me.

[00:06:01]>> Uh, just one second.

[00:06:05]>> This is a man. Yeah, I'm a woman. Yeah, >> I have news.

[00:06:09]>> Oh, come on. Really?

[00:06:10]>> Yeah. Day 15. It's that time.

[00:06:13]>> Day 15. What are you talking about? Day 15. You've been menopausal for like 10 years.

[00:06:18]>> Quiet. Premenopausal. I started early.

[00:06:21]>> Oh my gosh.

[00:06:22]>> And I still got some kick in me on occasion.

[00:06:26]>> Isn't that funny?

[00:06:27]>> Dad, come on. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Is he bothering you? It's fine. Is he all right?

[00:06:32]>> I'm just getting warmed up with uh What did you say your name was? Sha Menmore Nelson Ontario.

[00:06:39]>> Four last names.

[00:06:40]>> She's had a lot of husbands.

[00:06:41]>> I've had a lot of husbands. L M O >> Povich.

[00:06:47]Oh, Pete.

[00:06:48]>> We're going to use our train.

[00:06:49]>> But but but >> Call me Mr. Clavit.

[00:06:58]>> I will. Mrs. Leonard Mor Nelson Ontario.

[00:07:02]Let's go. Come on. I'm sorry. If anybody runs in our family, pet drives the bus.

[00:07:05]>> But Jim, baby, I'm not finished with Mrs. Ln. I just need to show him the deal.

[00:07:09]>> Call me. Hey, what?

[00:07:12]>> What are you doing? Are you as crazy as he is? This may be the one.

[00:07:18]>> Yeah, the one too many. Come on, let's go.

[00:07:31]for the good fight. [music] Little sister for the stage. A little sister wait [singing and music] on the daylight. Little sister [music] train. Ooh, me first. Me first. My toes are wet. Hello. Hair train. And then massage train. Massage train. Ooh, that bad thing. Shut up. Maybe you should try proactive. Maybe you should shut up, too. It's a freckle.

[00:08:02]>> No, that's no freckle. That's one big ass freckle. That's a 10 four. That's good, right? I say I'm like a trucker.

[00:08:11]No, maybe if you looked a little more like a trucker, then we buy it. Give me that hat.

[00:08:20]>> Sexy and the [music] jacket.

[00:08:32]hot and a little bit of that lipstick.

[00:08:34]Sorry, Alex. I got this book on my mouth.

[00:08:37]>> [ __ ] I am telling you that girl did not want to be pregnant. I don't see why not. He was kind of cute.

[00:08:44]>> Really?

[00:08:46]Not that I noticed. It's just that other women would find him attractive. That's all. I didn't even really notice.

[00:08:52]Uh-huh.

[00:08:53]Anyway, he didn't tell her about the job and there we are moving all her [ __ ] furniture. I would have filed for a divorce right there. If that had been me, I'd have to cut his balls off.

[00:09:04]>> Snip. [ __ ] snip.

[00:09:06]>> I love you.

[00:09:08]>> I don't think they were married.

[00:09:11]What did I miss? [snorts] >> I'm trying to tell you what happened.

[00:09:16]>> Listen up, kid. You may learn something.

[00:09:19]When you have an ass like this, >> you don't have to listen to anyone.

[00:09:26]>> I need to have all this done before my roommate gets back.

[00:09:29]>> She's taking her dad to the zoo.

[00:09:30]>> The zoo?

[00:09:32]>> Yeah. Sometimes he breaks out of his cage. I don't know. Maybe they're going to the beach.

[00:09:38]>> The beach? What beach?

[00:09:40]>> This is Washington DC. There are no beaches.

[00:09:43]>> Unless you want to swim in the sludge on the ship >> and smell the untreated sewage. some beach.

[00:09:54]>> Anyway, this all has to be in the truck before she gets back.

[00:09:59]>> It's kind of a surprise.

[00:10:01]>> 5:00 p.m. 6 p.m. Shouldn't be a problem.

[00:10:04]We have a few union breaks, that sort of thing, but nothing you need to worry about.

[00:10:09]>> How can I help?

[00:10:10]>> Uh-uh. This is hard work. Why don't you let the professionals take care of the professional work?

[00:10:20]>> Dad, we can't take the bus to the waterfront. We got to take the VR train.

[00:10:25]>> Morning, Jeini.

[00:10:28]Excellent choice. [music] >> Morning, sir. Your drive-thru.

[00:10:31]>> Ketchup.

[00:10:32]>> It's in the fridge. Had it installed yesterday. And your suit [music] is pressed and in the wardrobe.

[00:10:37]>> My daughter Joanie will be riding with us today.

[00:10:39]>> Excellent. With the three of us on board, we'll [music] be able to take the HOV. Will we be going to the zoo?

[00:10:45]>> Uh, no. The waterfront. I think the salty [music] air might clear my mind.

[00:10:50]>> Ah, Kinko Balopoba.

[00:10:52]>> Kinko Baloba? What is that?

[00:10:54]>> It's good for the mind >> and it wards [music] off sility. I take it all the time.

[00:11:00]>> Dad, what's going on here?

[00:11:02]>> I've given him 10% of my company. He acts as my private driver.

[00:11:06]>> But this is a city bus.

[00:11:08]>> It's Washington DC. No one will even notice it [music] missing. He has a point >> and that makes it okay.

[00:11:16]>> I pay my fair. The transit authorities happy. He's happy. I'm happy.

[00:11:21]>> Is that a walk-in closet?

[00:11:35]>> What are you doing?

[00:11:37]>> I love [music] this show. Never miss it.

[00:11:41]Where's your crew?

[00:11:42]>> Breakfast break. It's a union thing.

[00:11:45]Don't worry, we won't ruin your surprise.

[00:11:49]Have a seat. I won't bite.

[00:11:52]>> I've got work to do.

[00:11:56]>> Aren't [music] you a cutie pie?

[00:12:04]Damn fat. Damn fat. Damn fat.

[00:12:26]Hi.

[00:12:29]>> Hello.

[00:12:33][sighs] >> I'm Sue. [sighs] like the Indians.

[00:12:43]S I O U.

[00:12:46]Okay.

[00:12:49]Yeah.

[00:12:51]Go for the burn, right? [laughter] >> I got to be mean. Mean counseling machine.

[00:13:05]>> Counselor.

[00:13:08]Mhm. [panting] >> I'm a psychiatrist.

[00:13:11]Dr. John, >> doctor?

[00:13:15]>> Yes.

[00:13:16]>> Huh?

[00:13:17]>> Psychiatrist?

[00:13:20]Yeah.

[00:13:22]>> How about after this I buy you a juice?

[00:13:26]>> I don't know.

[00:13:29]You look to have at least a two juice psychosis.

[00:13:34][laughter] >> [gasps] >> I'll buy you two juices.

[00:13:41][panting and sighs] [snorts] >> That'll work. [laughter] >> What are you doing?

[00:13:49]>> Hi, silly. How'd you find me?

[00:13:51]>> I knew where to look.

[00:13:55]>> What's he up to?

[00:13:57]>> Fishing.

[00:13:59]>> No gear. One. How you feeling?

[00:14:05]been sick all morning.

[00:14:09]Is >> there something I can do?

[00:14:13]>> What do you say we play hookie today?

[00:14:16]>> I would I would say yes.

[00:14:18]>> Dad, >> Roman, I got to go.

[00:14:31]God beside you that sky [ __ ] What a ride.

[00:14:55]Thank you.

[00:15:20]Craig home.

[00:15:24]Oh, good god. No.

[00:15:28][snorts] Why? Rockefeller.

[00:15:46]>> You guys are doing a great job.

[00:15:48]>> I want to play.

[00:15:48]>> Hey guys, come on.

[00:15:50]>> What are you doing?

[00:15:52]Let me take that. Liability issues. The company doesn't want you hurting yourself.

[00:15:58]>> Here. I'm tired.

[00:15:59]>> You know what? MOVE YOUR FINGERS. COME ON.

[00:16:02]>> HEY, move them before you lose them.

[00:16:05]>> I said to be careful. That's a $15,000 organ.

[00:16:09]>> All right. Ready? On the count of three.

[00:16:10]Ready?

[00:16:11]>> Do you know how much that would cost to replace?

[00:16:13]>> Ready?

[00:16:14]>> $15,000.

[00:16:15]>> No, I bought it used.

[00:16:18]>> All right. One, two. Why don't I?

[00:16:23]>> It's okay. WATCH THIS. YOU DROPPED THAT ORGAN, I'LL DROP YOU.

[00:16:30]>> Break time.

[00:16:35]>> Oh god, it's thinking. Well, that's it. I wasn't thinking.

[00:16:42]>> Okay, >> you're you're home early.

[00:16:44]>> You mean?

[00:16:45]>> Yeah.

[00:16:47]>> I wanted to babysit dad today. Sue had to take some sort of exam for her license.

[00:16:52]>> Where is he now?

[00:16:53]>> Here.

[00:16:55]>> That is as close to perfect as my life gets.

[00:16:58]>> I at the beach.

[00:16:59]>> Anacostia.

[00:17:00]>> Oh, we were at father's park.

[00:17:02]>> It's not a beach. It's a toilet.

[00:17:05]>> It's his favorite spot. He likes to swim >> by himself.

[00:17:10]>> He'll drown.

[00:17:12]>> He's with his main service.

[00:17:15]>> Never mind.

[00:17:16]>> Do you see this brown patch?

[00:17:18]>> I think I'm getting >> Where's all the furniture? What's going on?

[00:17:24]>> Surprise.

[00:17:26]>> Surprise.

[00:17:27]>> We're moving.

[00:17:28]>> What?

[00:17:30]>> Ooh, look what I found. It's my birthday.

[00:17:34]>> It's not used.

[00:17:36]>> I got a job. We're moving to St. Louis.

[00:17:39]>> Where did you get a job?

[00:17:43]>> In St. Louis?

[00:17:45]>> Where?

[00:17:47]>> Missouri.

[00:17:49]For who?

[00:17:50]>> The development office.

[00:17:51]>> But who?

[00:17:53]>> Liz.

[00:17:54]Liz, >> what kind of organization would hire you to work at their development office in St. Louis, Missouri for some woman named Liz?

[00:18:04]>> Don't you listen to anything? The symphony. Who do you think?

[00:18:10]>> I don't understand why you didn't say anything sooner. This isn't the kind of decision you just make alone. I need to be near my father. Sue can take care of him. Or his man servant Jez.

[00:18:22]>> I just knew his name is Jez.

[00:18:24]>> You did?

[00:18:25]>> No, I didn't.

[00:18:27]>> Yes, you did.

[00:18:28]>> No, I It's not my dad I'm worried about anyway.

[00:18:31]>> Well, you should be yesterday. He asked me for money. That's a sure sign. He's losing his something.

[00:18:39]>> The boss. Okay. Eight years of college, $85,000 in debt, A $15,000 ORGAN.

[00:18:44]>> I BOUGHT IT USED.

[00:18:49]It's a good job.

[00:18:52]>> It's everything I've ever studied for.

[00:18:54]>> What? A chance to repay your loans?

[00:18:56]>> It's that and so much more.

[00:19:00]It'll give me a chance to have my work produced. I can make connections.

[00:19:04]Professional connections.

[00:19:06]>> Just don't understand why you didn't say anything about it sooner.

[00:19:10]>> Your barrier bear is acting up.

[00:19:16]want an answer to my question and it's not Berry Berry. Barry Berry results in gastrointestinal and neurological disorders.

[00:19:23]This is so much closer to >> you're not pregnant and I am not moving to St. Louis.

[00:19:29]>> When you finish loading up the truck, I want you to get on the road immediately.

[00:19:33]Don't turn around. Don't say goodbye.

[00:19:35]Don't even look back.

[00:19:37]>> Okay.

[00:19:38]>> My roommate and I have our car. We'll meet you there at the apartment Wednesday morning. Listen, fella.

[00:19:44]>> Okay, >> I'm just yanking your chain. We're on our 22.4 minute cigarette break and I've got one and a third cigarettes to smoke and then I'll fire up the rig.

[00:20:00]>> Thank you.

[00:20:01]>> But I can't actually hit the road until tomorrow morning.

[00:20:04]>> The union.

[00:20:06]>> The union.

[00:20:11]You weren't going to tell me >> what's going on out there.

[00:20:14]>> You were just going to leave without telling me where you >> boxers. [laughter] >> Besides, I'm going to pay you back. So, just calm down.

[00:20:28]>> I will calm down when I feel like it.

[00:20:30]>> Uh, >> pull your pants.

[00:20:31]>> You put my furniture back. You put it back right now.

[00:20:34]>> Your furniture? You own a couch and it's still here.

[00:20:41]So, what cooled up her ass?

[00:20:45]>> She's pregnant.

[00:20:47]>> Oh, >> she's having one of her pre-aclimic fits. It's nothing to worry about.

[00:20:52]>> Does she want a baby?

[00:20:54]>> No, but she's Catholic. God wants her to have one.

[00:20:58]>> Well, I'm Baptist. I'm going to hell no matter what I do, so I might as well have fun. It's like, >> what's the problem? I thought we agreed you hit the road.

[00:21:07]>> I came to say goodbye.

[00:21:10]I know, but I thought we agreed.

[00:21:12]>> I know. Thinking of four days alone on the road got me a little worked up. It's a [ __ ] hormone thing. I need a hug.

[00:21:28]>> Wow.

[00:21:31]>> Thanks. I feel much [ __ ] better.

[00:21:35]>> I'll see you Wednesday morning.

[00:21:38]Maybe somewhere on the road.

[00:21:41]>> You'll honk your horn >> and flash the light.

[00:21:46]>> I just look. Can someone get me one?

[00:21:50]>> Joanie, you can't. You're pregnant.

[00:21:53]>> Be quiet. Don't get pregnant.

[00:21:56]>> One little pup won't hurt.

[00:21:57]>> That is the least logical thing I have ever heard.

[00:22:00]>> You be quiet. If men were equally at risk from this condition, if they knew that their bellies would swell as if they were suffering from terminal cerosis, or if they couldn't go nearly a year without a whiskey, a cigarette, or even an aspirin, then I am sure that pregnancy would be a sexually transmitted disease. Where where you going? Where is she going? I've got 8 minutes 17 seconds left on this break, and I haven't had any coffee yet.

[00:22:24]>> Jory, can I tell you to put someone else's earrings in your ear?

[00:22:29]>> Just look at first. So, want to hear a story?

[00:22:31]>> Yeah.

[00:22:32]I'm drinking my Russian standard on the rocks. Delicious. And this man was all, "Yo, what's up? How much?" And I'm like, "Fuck you, boy. That's how much my drink in his face."

[00:22:42]>> Oh, I did. Who has the glass and my fist?

[00:22:46]>> Wow. Is your hand okay?

[00:22:47]>> It's fine. Um, [ __ ] He was stumped.

[00:22:50]Colder than expensive rash of vodka. And he was like, "Ow, what the fuck?" Oh, and his face was all, "What the [ __ ] I'm getting my ass beat by a girl."

[00:22:59]>> Yeah, it was hot. What?

[00:23:02]>> It was [ __ ] Todd beating him.

[00:23:05]>> And my [ __ ] got so huge. I just wanted to turn him over and [ __ ] him in the ass with >> Seriously.

[00:23:14]>> Can you do that?

[00:23:17]>> It used to be that anybody could be a family counselor.

[00:23:20]No, no diplomas, no tests, standards, fusion jazz and isolation tanks used to be the answer to every argument.

[00:23:33]Not anymore.

[00:23:36]>> Oh, now you have to be degreed.

[00:23:43]>> So, tell me about your sister.

[00:23:47]>> She's pregnant.

[00:23:53]and father and genetically speaking is not a rich man. You know, to really understand this, you got to look at Craig's family, man. What a bunch of freaks.

[00:24:04]Not even I can help those people.

[00:24:14]>> [laughter] >> Oh, Cassandra, please hurry. My presentation's tomorrow. We're not ready.

[00:24:26]Craig, moving home.

[00:24:29]Why, Craig?

[00:24:31]Why today? Greg, >> our oldest son, the educated one, the expensive one. Apparently, he got a job developing something for the symphony. I >> I hope that she's not coming with him.

[00:24:49]>> Cassandra, the woman is 7 months pregnant. Of course, she's going to be coming with Craig.

[00:24:53]>> Three months.

[00:24:55]Michael, just because she's pregnant in our daughter-in-law doesn't mean we have to like her. Scoot down.

[00:25:02]Pretend there's a big pile of money between us. Capital.

[00:25:09]And they're not married. I think.

[00:25:15]>> Yo, Aussie. [clears throat] Eric, what's up? Peace.

[00:25:20]>> We've got a gift for you, dear.

[00:25:22]>> My hookah show necklace.

[00:25:26]This will not fit over my hair. There's a clasp in the back.

[00:25:34]>> Your father wore that the day he asked me to move in with him.

[00:25:39]>> It was at the Peter Frampton comes alive concert.

[00:25:43]>> That was not a concert. We were listening to a record.

[00:25:48]>> Oh, >> okay. Thanks. I love it. Mom, Dad, peace. I'll be in my room.

[00:25:53]>> You know, Becky, I like you.

[00:25:56]I think you're really going to make it in this business.

[00:26:00]>> You and Heather, are you exclusive?

[00:26:06]>> I feel close to you.

[00:26:08]>> Can I tell you a secret?

[00:26:10]>> Of course.

[00:26:13]>> I'm not really a lesbian. I'm only in it for the back rubs.

[00:26:19]>> Does Heather know?

[00:26:22]I think she's on to me. We only have sex a couple times a week, so you won't mind if I ask her out?

[00:26:30]>> I guess not.

[00:26:32]>> We've got to be very careful with that boy. The wrong move at this point in his life could be very expensive.

[00:26:44]>> Then I'll never get my house boo.

[00:26:46]>> Stop whining. We were able to get rid of rid of uh Greg. We'll get rid of Eric.

[00:26:54]But Craig is coming home.

[00:26:58]Well, don't you see? Children haven't the the slightest idea how to live or or when to leave. See what we have here?

[00:27:08]Our little surveillance system.

[00:27:16]I should have spent more on surveillance. Did you put the camera in his room? I did, but I I think I'm I I ran it through the laundry. [sighs] >> Let's see if we can hear something.

[00:27:30]>> Okay. All right.

[00:27:32]Listen.

[00:27:33]Do you hear? Yeah. Okay. Now I'm hearing something.

[00:27:38]Okay. Strainberg, how can a boy raised on the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald listen to this garbage? Well, maybe if I'd gotten the lyrics right once, one time. The lunatic ravings of a drunken, unschooled Pete Seager.

[00:28:01]>> I sounded like Pete Seager.

[00:28:04]This is your fault. You're the one that forced him to play in a a a girl's little league.

[00:28:11]>> Well, the boys were so much bigger than he was.

[00:28:13]>> As were the girls. Maybe I should have thrown away his scratch and sniff t-shirt.

[00:28:20]>> Scratch and sniff.

[00:28:23]>> He was obsessed with it. It was so old I I had to spray it with perfume to get it to smell like strawberries.

[00:28:32]You let our son smell like a fruit in elementary school?

[00:28:40]This is your fault.

[00:28:43]>> I know this is your fault.

[00:28:46]It's my fault.

[00:28:56]Flag day.

[00:28:58][snorts] Red, white, and blue.

[00:29:04]Spring has sprung.

[00:29:12]Rose petal toenails.

[00:29:14]Honey for blood. I am going to get to the bottom of this.

[00:29:20]>> I hear music again.

[00:29:22]>> No, I think he's turned it off.

[00:29:24]>> I hear music.

[00:29:26]It's the dead on stage at Woodstock.

[00:29:29]>> You're having a flashback.

[00:29:31]>> I'm seeing trail. My god, I'm having a flashback.

[00:29:34]>> What? One problem.

[00:29:37]We didn't go to Woodstock. [music] Your mom wouldn't let us. We had to wait for it to come out on video. Oh, it's suddenly so clear. It is all so clear.

[00:29:46]Our boy isn't a little boy anymore. He He's changing. He He's literally splitting into now. We have four sons. No, five if you count Greg Craig.

[00:30:03]Not a single one of them knows the lyrics of the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

[00:30:08]>> Rob Busters magazine, uh, a handgun. Um, weed.

[00:30:14]>> Is there an upper limit on these things?

[00:30:16]>> Sons, >> flashbacks.

[00:30:29]>> Hey, where are you going?

[00:30:31]>> Me and my crew are going to chill at the laundromat.

[00:30:34]>> No, no, not yet. Let me see. Let me see what's in that bag.

[00:30:37]>> Don't tell me. You join the CIA. No, Dad. It's not the missing 18 minutes of Nixon's videotape.

[00:30:43]>> Show him what's in the other three bags and then you can all go and play at the laundromat.

[00:30:48]>> No. Why not?

[00:30:49]>> Cuz you're not cool.

[00:30:51]Not cool. I saw Crosby stills and Ash before they were young.

[00:30:56]>> Had young. You were born years >> before we got married.

[00:31:01]>> That was Craig. I'm Eric.

[00:31:06]>> Dad. Mom, this is not me. I only wear this stuff when I come home every day. I pray that none of my friends see me dressed like some 80s glam rocker. I'm so sick and tired of looking like Brett Michaels.

[00:31:27]What happened? Whose fault is this? Is it your mother's fault?

[00:31:31]>> No, Dad. I want to go to college. I sent in the applications today.

[00:31:36]I suspected this.

[00:31:37]>> How can we send the four of you to college?

[00:31:39]>> Would you shut up?

[00:31:43]>> What about work? It's time you knew. I want to be a poet.

[00:31:50]>> It's at least four more years in college.

[00:31:52]>> Times four.

[00:31:52]>> Seven if you count the MFA.

[00:31:55]>> Times four.

[00:31:58]>> Eric, we try being poets ourselves for three weeks. I'm dedicating my life. How can we afford to pay 68 years of tuition?

[00:32:10]>> I've got it. You don't need to go to college. You could work as a waitress.

[00:32:17]>> Waiter.

[00:32:18]>> As as a waiter.

[00:32:19]>> Yeah, that gives your poems that rough edge that's so popular these days.

[00:32:23]>> But I don't want to work.

[00:32:27]>> Get out of my house. But But what am I going to do? I'm only 19. I I like it here. Not for ever. Just a couple of hours.

[00:32:39]Need a nap.

[00:32:48]Spinny, where you going? I haven't gotten to the best part. We're high on vision, but low on capital.

[00:32:58]>> I hope you slept well.

[00:33:01]Yeah, >> staying here last night really put us behind schedule.

[00:33:11]>> What do you say we give this place a grand more?

[00:33:18]>> Say goodbye to DC in style.

[00:33:21]>> Do not want sex. God, are you serious?

[00:33:23]Do you know what you're like?

[00:33:25]>> No. Tell me. Like every guy on this planet like a pirate with a penis. No thank you. You could have told me that they were moving before they took all of my stuff.

[00:33:39]>> I didn't know exactly when she >> they would be here.

[00:33:44]>> This is a tremendous opportunity for me.

[00:33:47]>> It's a chance for me to get back home >> and to actually enjoy my job.

[00:33:55]My parents are there.

[00:33:59]>> It's not right to raise a child away from his only grandmother.

[00:34:03]>> It's not fair. My doctor's here.

[00:34:06]>> Journey in St. Louis. We'll have medical insurance. You'll be able to get proper prenatal care.

[00:34:13]>> And you won't have to go to a hack pharmacy student.

[00:34:15]>> She's not a hack. She has a high GPA.

[00:34:18]>> She's a thief. And she's in her first year.

[00:34:20]>> The first year is the hardest. Duh.

[00:34:23]Johnny, think about me. This is my chance to get away from teaching. It's why I went back to school.

[00:34:34]I need this.

[00:34:35]>> You don't get it. Who's going to buy a picture of Autumn in the PTOIC in St. Louis?

[00:34:42]>> I don't know.

[00:34:43]>> Well, you better figure it out. I've got 500 copies to sell.

[00:34:47]>> Well, apparently no one in DC wants to buy one either.

[00:34:50]>> What about the environment? What about the power? Wouldn't you want the baby to be born in the most exciting city in the country?

[00:34:56]>> Actually, I would just prefer a hospital.

[00:34:58]>> You would just prefer a hospital. And you don't have a choice.

[00:35:05]>> It's my body.

[00:35:07]>> It's my health insurance.

[00:35:10]>> Fine, I'll go. But you got to marry me >> today.

[00:35:17]>> Tomorrow?

[00:35:19]>> I can't. I'm not ready to be married.

[00:35:22]>> Oh, but you are ready to be a father.

[00:35:27]>> We already are married by common law.

[00:35:29]What more do you need? A ceremony?

[00:35:32]We don't need God or our parents sanctioning our actions. Marriage is not like professional boxing.

[00:35:44]>> Here's my vitamins.

[00:35:47]>> I'm going to get the car. What would have happened if I didn't come home before the movers left?

[00:35:52]>> We used to walk everywhere down the mall from the capital to the Lincoln Memorial.

[00:35:59]2 miles in the beautiful afternoon sun up Pennsylvania Avenue to Paragrine Coffee out to Hannes Point to visit the Awakening.

[00:36:11]You don't have to live in a Georgetown townhouse to fall in love with the city.

[00:36:15]You just have to have train fair and a good pair of shoes.

[00:36:22]>> So, Sam Louis, >> stop hurt you.

[00:36:32]>> When I first met you, your hair was coarse and curly.

[00:36:38]>> Stop it, >> Roman. Shh.

[00:36:45]I'm in.

[00:36:48]>> What are you thinking of that?

[00:37:01]>> Sam, >> what choice do I have?

[00:37:13]I'll come with you.

[00:37:16]>> Oh, thank you.

[00:37:22]>> Now, tell me something.

[00:37:23]>> What?

[00:37:24]>> Tell me about the moon.

[00:37:27]>> What God does with the old moon.

[00:37:29]>> Yeah, that's my favorite. [snorts] >> God needs to make room for the new moon after the old one has died. Like new people are born to replace the old ones. A new moon is born every four weeks.

[00:37:47]And the old moon is broken up into stars. And the old moon >> that the birds in the night sky. That's right.

[00:37:58]>> And why would God do that?

[00:38:01]>> Cuz stars are always being eaten and must be replaced.

[00:38:14]You [snorts] know what I love about you, Romy?

[00:38:16]>> What?

[00:38:18]>> You know how to treat a woman, right?

[00:38:20][snorts] >> I believe there is only one way to properly treat a woman.

[00:38:27]>> Make love to her if she's beautiful.

[00:38:30]>> Uhhuh.

[00:38:31]>> And someone else if she's not.

[00:38:36]Uh-huh.

[00:38:39]>> Am I beautiful?

[00:38:42]>> You are the most desirable, the most precious, most beautiful.

[00:38:52]>> Take me home.

[00:39:02]All that goes in the second bedroom. A study.

[00:39:06]Great. I am so happy. I can't wait for mom and dad to see the finished product.

[00:39:12]I want you to make a good impression.

[00:39:14]>> I hate this city. I hate this apartment.

[00:39:17]The walls are so ugly.

[00:39:20]>> Mom is painting the walls.

[00:39:22]>> I don't have any friends here.

[00:39:24]>> How could you have any friends?

[00:39:28]We've only lived here for a few hours.

[00:39:32]Hey, be careful.

[00:39:36]Oh, it's you.

[00:39:40]>> I'm so sorry. Your guitar got in the way of a falling wardrobe.

[00:39:44]>> That's okay. I have others.

[00:39:47]>> Wardrobes?

[00:39:48]>> Guitars.

[00:40:01]>> You know, I don't even know your name.

[00:40:04]It's Stephanie.

[00:40:05]>> Stephanie? That's a pretty name.

[00:40:07]>> But I need to warn you. I'm a lesbian.

[00:40:11]>> I don't care.

[00:40:12]>> But I do.

[00:40:13]>> You could change your mind.

[00:40:16]>> Of course, I am a very lonely lesbian.

[00:40:23]>> All that time on the road. I don't really date as much as I'd like to.

[00:40:29]>> Kids, I'm here. Sorry I couldn't bring your father along, but he has this very big presentation at work tomorrow.

[00:40:37]>> Hi Oh, right.

[00:40:51]>> Hi. Hi, Joanie.

[00:40:57]Hello, Cassandra. I brought you some brownies.

[00:41:00]>> Oh, goodies. I bet your legs were something delicious.

[00:41:03]>> Oh, I stopped baking those for Greg when Michael realized the effect they were having on his ambition.

[00:41:11]>> Never mind.

[00:41:12]>> Joanie, I'm worried about you. And I'm worried about that baby. You know, I don't like you very much. I mean, I know that you don't like me very much, but let me give you some advice.

[00:41:22]>> This ought to be good.

[00:41:23]>> Well, I hope so because I'm good at giving advice. I'm always right.

[00:41:29]>> Yes, Cassandra.

[00:41:31]>> Take it easy on yourself. You look worn out. I hope that trip from Chicago wasn't too exhausting.

[00:41:40]>> I'll go.

[00:41:42]>> Well, you know, I really keep myself occupied.

[00:41:45]Now, if you'll excuse me, I do have a splitting stomach ache.

[00:41:55]>> I brought you some brownies.

[00:41:56]>> Jesus Christ. No, Mom. Who knows what you put in those things?

[00:42:00]>> Oh, that reminds me. I have to get back home.

[00:42:04]>> Thanks, Mom.

[00:42:07]>> You have to excuse her. She did way too many drugs in the 90s and 80s, 70s, 60s.

[00:42:14]She seems sweet.

[00:42:15]>> You'll like her a lot once you get to know her. So, you never answered my question.

[00:42:20]>> Craig, where's at the price?

[00:42:23]>> I have to go talk her down from this ledge.

[00:42:25]>> Am I in a premium?

[00:42:27]>> Just finish moving me in and we'll try and stay out of your way.

[00:42:30]>> Am I in a trip?

[00:42:32]>> This is crazy.

[00:42:38]>> Call you at your motel.

[00:42:41]>> I'd like that.

[00:42:44]>> [snorts] >> You know, this is very odd for me.

[00:42:45]Usually, I'm the one over there writing in the pad.

[00:42:50]But maybe if my parents had spelled Sue the right way, I would need to be paying you $120 an hour to converse. I mean, that's your rate, right?

[00:43:00]>> Yes.

[00:43:01]>> 20 an hour.

[00:43:04]God, what kind of degree do you have?

[00:43:07]Dr. Dan like only makes 90 an hour, right?

[00:43:12]He's not a real doctor, is he?

[00:43:16]>> Are you sure you want to do this here?

[00:43:19]>> Okay. Um, doctor, I've been having this reoccurring nightmare.

[00:43:28]I'm sitting in a room surrounded by my family.

[00:43:34]>> Pass the remote, baby.

[00:43:37]And uh I am I'm alone and I'm I'm sitting in a box of tinted glass which disguises the picture that I present to my family and distorts their true shapes and sounds.

[00:43:56]Sue.

[00:43:58]Um, inside the box, I'm shivering uncontrollably, you know, unable to answer the endless questions being asked of me by my family.

[00:44:10]>> Baby, >> I mean, they they can't see my shivering. Um because you know as the box distorts their true shapes and sounds making them appear almost human and concerned it also in turn disguises my true shape from them. So I don't like Jeopardy. Shut up.

[00:44:35]Um, so I mean outside the box I'm I'm not I'm not shivering but or or fetal but I'm human and I'm able to answer the questions that they've asked.

[00:44:46]>> I like the teen tournament. The questions are easier.

[00:44:49]>> But the thing is they're not they're not really questions. I mean, in reality, my family is not mine, but in fact, they're like this group of giant lizard like bipeds with with like these long these long split tongues, you know, and instead of asking the questions that I I think that I hear, they're actually in fact just like just like lashing their like giant tongues like up against the walls of the box which surrounds ands me. It happened two years ago. The questions got so much harder >> and their spit just like just like runs down my body, >> you know, as my box tries to answer the questions. It is asked.

[00:45:35]>> South America.

[00:45:37]>> Oh, >> and I wonder as I tell you this if my father and sister realize that they are actually a group of giant horned reptiles.

[00:45:44]>> John Peront. Who is John Pupont?

[00:45:49]>> Probably not.

[00:45:54]I remember the day he moved very clearly.

[00:46:00]I had brought dad to the zoo or the beach or something.

[00:46:05]Can't remember.

[00:46:07]Well, he had spent all day by a pond in the Japanese garden talking to [music] a fish.

[00:46:13]Something about getting to know your enemy.

[00:46:18]Well, what I want to tell you is >> that night I already decided to move, >> but I convinced Perry to stay one extra day in DC so that I could go to the doctor or pharmacy student and get my proper prenatal care.

[00:46:37]>> Plus, I wanted to say goodbye to my dad.

[00:46:46]Close the door behind you tightly. Is the clothes tight? Did it lock? Check again.

[00:46:55]>> Okay.

[00:46:57]>> Sit there quietly.

[00:47:00]>> Where's my copy of our bodies ourselves?

[00:47:03]>> On the chair. Right where you left.

[00:47:07]>> Okay. See, that was a rhetorical question. I'm trying to establish my bedside manner.

[00:47:13]>> Just sit there quietly.

[00:47:16]Oh, this looks like a good one. Pelvic inflammatory disease, P I D, >> frequent urinating, >> lack of appetite, >> pain around the kidneys, >> no.

[00:47:32]>> Are you [music] sure?

[00:47:34]>> Well, that's my girl.

[00:47:36]>> Wait, shouldn't you look at her first and [music] then >> Shouldn't you shut the [ __ ] up? Excuse me.

[00:47:48]Page 636, fibromyalgia.

[00:47:53]Page 637. [singing] Page 639.

[00:48:03]Join syndrome.

[00:48:06]Um, >> no.

[00:48:11]No.

[00:48:14]No.

[00:48:17]Oh, here's one.

[00:48:21]>> Trick to a mania.

[00:48:24]>> Hair pulling syndrome.

[00:48:26]>> You know, maybe I should go. My husband doesn't know I'm here.

[00:48:31]>> She want a tight leash. Does he keep on tight?

[00:48:39]And >> I've got the scar to prove it. [snorts] Right. Um, I should probably go. My dad is waiting for me.

[00:48:48]>> But, but it's not even dawn yet.

[00:48:50]>> He doesn't sleep.

[00:48:51]>> Oh, but have him come see us. I mean, we've got exactly what the man needs.

[00:48:56]>> Joanie, you know the importance of prenatal care. This will only take a minute.

[00:49:02]>> I just need refills.

[00:49:03]>> Refills? Why didn't you ask any sooner?

[00:49:07]>> Did you enjoy the Librium?

[00:49:08]>> Oh, yeah. More about methopylon.

[00:49:13]More theine more. And the antitri queen. We're not more. I'm glad you're staying in such high spirit these days. Um, will $40 cover this time?

[00:49:33]You be sure to come back and see me before summer vacation.

[00:49:36]>> Vacation?

[00:49:37]>> Don't worry. I'll be back in time for summer classes.

[00:49:42]I've got some credits to make up.

[00:49:46]>> Hey, what's your name?

[00:49:48]>> Dad. There you are. Excuse us. Is he bothering you? I'm sorry. Quiet. Don't say anything. Let's go.

[00:49:54]>> But Joanie, baby, I'm not finished with Bob. I think I got it. I just need to close the deal. You'll have to excuse her. Insanity runs in our family. It's It's practically a faucet.

[00:50:04]>> Fine. Stop it. Let's go. I was just going to tell him about Lake Kachula and my favorite bumper sticker. Eat, drink, go fishing.

[00:50:12]>> Let's go. Come on.

[00:50:13]>> Wait. This is uh Sue like the Indians. S I O U X.

[00:50:18]>> And I'm Joanie like bologoney.

[00:50:20]>> Minister pepperoni. You're >> making me hungry.

[00:50:23]>> That's the baby speaking.

[00:50:25]>> Dad, am I supposed to know about her?

[00:50:34]>> Okay. Not my train. Okay. I can't worry about trains right [laughter] now. I have to concentrate.

[00:50:40]Look, if I don't pass this test, I'm not going to hang my shingle.

[00:50:48]>> Here's my orange.

[00:50:50]>> Look, very soon I'm going to be a professional. No more temp work, no more typing, no more filing, no more making coffee just because somebody asks. From now on, I make the coffee whether they ask or not. [laughter] No, I'm going to be a qualified certified family counselor.

[00:51:08]Are you sure you're single?

[00:51:10]>> Of course I'm single. I wouldn't lie.

[00:51:12]I'm a doctor.

[00:51:16]>> Your number?

[00:51:18]>> No, my bill.

[00:51:20]>> Your bill. [laughter] Hey, can I get a bulk discount?

[00:51:27][laughter] >> Call me.

[00:51:29]Bye. See you.

[00:51:30]>> Love you.

[00:51:38]>> [sighs] >> That was great, but I may have to look into certification as a sex therapist.

[00:51:46]>> Hey, lady. I'm trying to relax here.

[00:51:49]>> Sorry.

[00:51:51]Insanity runs in our family. It practically rides the train.

[00:52:00]Beautiful morning sun, eh?

[00:52:03]>> Jeez, where's your bus?

[00:52:04]>> I lost it. Long story.

[00:52:07]>> Oh, your carry on.

[00:52:15]>> Son is to learn to keep her mouth shut.

[00:52:17]I'm still a virgin, remember?

[00:52:20]>> Right. The second immaculate conception.

[00:52:23]>> Actually, it' be the second virgin birth. The immaculate conception is the birth of Mary, free from sin. uh to be born without the burden of original sin.

[00:52:33][snorts] >> Were they made of God?

[00:52:36]>> And uh you got Craig. So uh Yuri must have eaten an apple and an orange and a banana.

[00:52:43]>> You should have paid more attention in church.

[00:52:46]>> I was too busy trying to work the angles. Working the angels might have been more effective.

[00:52:52]>> No. Church is for wives and daughters.

[00:52:55]For those who have time to reflect. Time is both the price and the power of prayers.

[00:53:03]>> Yeah. Well, you better start praying.

[00:53:04]Having a baby's not cheap. I just had to spend $40 on prenatal care.

[00:53:09]>> When you were born, it cost $245.

[00:53:13]And your mom was in the hospital for 27 days.

[00:53:17]>> Yeah.

[00:53:18]>> I wish I could help. I do. I I don't have any money in the bank. I just never thought to save.

[00:53:25]>> It's okay, Dad. I'm young. I have hope.

[00:53:28]>> Oh, I have hope.

[00:53:30]>> I hope Craig gets a job.

[00:53:33]>> You know, this is a really nice way to see the campus.

[00:53:37]>> Is Is that a dead body?

[00:53:39]>> Oh, Dad.

[00:53:40]>> Craig got a job. We're moving to St. Louis.

[00:53:44]>> Oh, donuts.

[00:53:46]>> Can I have this chocolate one?

[00:53:49]Is that all right?

[00:53:50]>> No, but I The other one's plain.

[00:53:56]Oh, wait. It's chocolate on the back.

[00:53:58]>> The last day was a surprise. I remember Johnny sitting next to a blank canvas overlooking the Atlantic seabboard.

[00:54:05]Blank brushes held in clean hands. Jenny had no paint on her nails, no shades of nature in her hair or between her teeth.

[00:54:14]In poor Johnny, separation of art and life was complete. It was flag day, the colors [music] of spring. And she had brought the same canvas to the park since the first warmth of March. While Johnny [music] wrote love letters.

[00:54:29]Spring has prunk, letters which will never [music] be sent. But I get slightly ahead of myself.

[00:54:42]Could you turn that down?

[00:55:03]>> What? I finished unpacking. Leave me alone.

[00:55:06]>> Please. I have a lot to get done before dinner.

[00:55:12]Really? What's that? You're working on >> Bach Pastoral BWV 570.

[00:55:26]I'm arranging it for the guitar.

[00:55:29]>> Wonderful. Could you not work on it so loudly?

[00:55:38]>> I would not expect you to understand.

[00:55:50]I guess now I'd understand even less. I need a shower.

[00:55:57]Some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

[00:56:09]coming.

[00:56:12]>> Come with me.

[00:56:13]>> Oh, thank God. Take me away from here. I hate it here. I have no friends. I miss my family. I miss my dad. I miss you.

[00:56:21]>> I'll take you back.

[00:56:24]>> You can't live with me.

[00:56:26]>> Okay. [snorts] >> I I will take you home, but only ask my wife.

[00:56:33]>> What? Roman. Oh, yes. Of course, I'll marry you. Oh my gosh. what I've been wanting forever.

[00:56:40]But what about Craig? He's so jealous.

[00:56:43]He'll never let me leave here. He loves it here, but I hate it here. I hate it.

[00:56:47]>> Don't worry about Craig. I've been wanting to take care of him since day.

[00:56:53][sighs and gasps] >> Oh, Craig will meet with an unfortunate accident. Maybe he'll just slip in the shower. [laughter] >> I haven't got a ring yet.

[00:57:07]I'll be right back.

[00:57:08]>> No, Roman, you're stalling. Just go in there and kill him.

[00:57:13]>> Could we just scr his throaty?

[00:57:21]>> No more turning the channel. There's a perfectly good commercial break on.

[00:57:24]>> No more leaving dirty clothes on a pile so that she can wear them again. No.

[00:57:29]>> No more playing your dumb guitar.

[00:57:32]>> I'll go and kill Craig.

[00:57:35]You make reservation for dinner.

[00:57:38]>> Okay. And then for dessert, we'll have ice cream >> any chocolate.

[00:57:44]>> Yes. Oh, it's my favorite.

[00:57:47]Nico.

[00:57:58]>> God damn it. I'm talking to you.

[00:58:01]>> Don't get nasty with me. I haven't unpacked it yet. You said you unpacked the office.

[00:58:06]>> Well, I haven't.

[00:58:09]>> You're useless.

[00:58:10]>> You know the things that Roman can do with ice cream, you would not understand.

[00:58:15]>> Excuse me.

[00:58:16]>> So many hot and cold sensations all at once.

[00:58:21]>> That romance is a figment of your imagination.

[00:58:26]>> Jody, if you don't stop this, you can go back to Northeast. Take my car. Take my [ __ ] guitar and leave me in peace.

[00:58:37]I'm sick of being married to you.

[00:58:40]>> We're not married.

[00:58:42]>> Then why do I wear this ring? It hurts.

[00:58:46]It literally hurts. Baby, >> we're here.

[00:59:02]>> Dad.

[00:59:02]>> Yes.

[00:59:03]>> Dad, what are you doing here? How did you find me?

[00:59:06]>> Well, we found them. Strange lot. Uh, but Michael here likes my business and he's in finance.

[00:59:14]>> You I'm in a cigarette. I'm so [ __ ] tired. Five [ __ ] days.

[00:59:19]>> Dude, Jesus, that was a long drive.

[00:59:23]>> How much longer do I have to sit in the bus?

[00:59:25]>> You have a bus?

[00:59:26]>> VW?

[00:59:27]>> Oh, cool.

[00:59:28]>> You're going to give him startup money for that ridiculous, disgusting idea, and you won't give me any money for college?

[00:59:34]>> Well, that's investor money. The college funds are mine.

[00:59:39]>> But the investment will fail.

[00:59:42]>> They always do. The key is to get in on the ground floor. Fine, I'll get a job and pay for my own education, but I'm not moving out. Can't possibly pay rent as well.

[00:59:52]>> That's fine. I'm not staying. But >> what about your job? Your baby.

[00:59:56]>> There is no baby. It's a hysterical pregnancy.

[00:59:59]>> What are you talking about?

[01:00:01]>> I've seen the pregnancy test. Taken six a week for the past 6 months. They're all negative.

[01:00:08]>> But wait, what?

[01:00:11]>> What?

[01:00:11]>> I figured it was a chance to have sex without a condom.

[01:00:14]>> I thought eventually Quiet.

[01:00:17]>> Shut up.

[01:00:19]>> Wait. You and you and you, Eric, you go together. You're with us. Go away in the car.

[01:00:28]>> Mom, >> this girl here, >> I have a vision of her giving me a grandchild. I mean, someone I can love unconditionally.

[01:00:37]>> But I'm a lesbian.

[01:00:40]>> Go get some coffee. vibitions have been remarkably unreliable since wet rocks 1977.

[01:00:49]>> I can't. I have your number. I'll call you if I need you.

[01:00:54]>> Okay. But I hit the road tomorrow going north.

[01:01:02]>> And you two, I do not want to see you ever again >> until the investor conference.

[01:01:10]>> Until the investor conference. I'm not leaving without Joanie.

[01:01:13]>> Dad, leave.

[01:01:14]>> I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT YOU.

[01:01:15]>> TOMORROW. WE'LL TALK TOMORROW. I need time.

[01:01:18]>> Can you drive a hearse?

[01:01:20]>> Why not?

[01:01:22]>> Tomorrow.

[01:01:25]>> No, dear Tony, that leaves us. Well, just because you're not right for my son, it doesn't mean that there's no one waiting for you out there somewhere.

[01:01:35]>> Just go.

[01:01:37]>> Just go.

[01:01:46]I am pregnant. I was pregnant.

[01:01:52]I've never been pregnant.

[01:02:02]Sweetie, I know you probably don't want to hear me say this again, but it's very important for you to go see your primary physician.

[01:02:12]Okay, I'm just going to push you right here.

[01:02:17]Do you have a ride? Um, >> yeah, I think so.

[01:02:21]>> Okay, I'll be right back. Let me get your paperwork.

[01:02:27]>> Oh, man.

[01:02:28]>> To deal with her. No mom, no boyfriend.

[01:02:30]That's what it looks like.

[01:02:33]>> Lots of blood.

[01:02:41]>> Hi, I'm >> Hi, I'm Joanie, minor discomfort.

[01:02:51]>> Why do you always get the crazy ones on your watch?

[01:02:54]>> You know what? I work with a crazy one every day. Give me a pen.

[01:02:59]off my feet.

[01:03:01]>> I will keep you off the seat.

[01:03:07]>> That's a nice offer. Thanks.

[01:03:15]>> We have surgery.

[01:03:24]>> You know where she's supposed to sign that, right?

[01:03:26]>> Yes, I do. Thank you. I used to like you >> and then you talked.

[01:03:34]>> Okay, sweetie. I'm going to need you to sign here and here.

[01:03:41]Okay, there you go.

[01:03:47]If you have any trouble, emotional trouble, you talk to someone. Okay.

[01:03:57]Okay.

[01:04:03]If you want, you can even call here and talk to me.

[01:04:08]>> Yeah. Yeah. Just ask the nurse.

[01:04:13]Okay. Thanks.

[01:04:17]You sure you don't want to rest a little longer?

[01:04:19]>> No, I'm I'm good.

[01:04:23]Is that it?

[01:04:26]Yeah, that's it.

[01:04:28]Thank you.

[01:04:40]You can talk to me.

[01:04:44][music] friends, investors, gentlemen, lend me your capital.

[01:05:13]Eric, your queue.

[01:05:16]Eric.

[01:05:17]Eric. Eric.

[01:05:19]>> What?

[01:05:19]>> Your queue.

[01:05:22]No. Thank you. No. Thank you. Thank you.

[01:05:25]Really? Eric, enough.

[01:05:27]>> Turn it off, honey.

[01:05:30][clears throat] >> I have had an opportunity come my way that is unlike anything I have seen in all my years as a financial adviser. A very successful financial adviser, I might add. I think I've made everyone in the room a great deal of money through the years.

[01:05:48]>> Well, yeah, everybody but yourself.

[01:05:51]>> Stick to the script.

[01:05:55]An idea so extraordinary that not even my assistant has seen the slides I'm about to show you.

[01:06:05]The tuna salad super pipeline.

[01:06:10]A crackpot inventor.

[01:06:14]A Cracker Jackack inventor >> has come up with an idea to deliver fresh tuna salad straight to your sandwich via a spigot in your kitchen.

[01:06:28]No more trips through the grocery stores. No more cut hands. No more broken fingernails on those hard to open cans. No more mess.

[01:06:39]Our research our our research shows that within a year of launch, more than 1 million households in every major city in America will have access to the tuna salad super pipeline.

[01:06:54]And within 10 years, our worldwide market should reach 200 million households mostly in China, Eastern Europe, and North Africa. North Africa. Won't it be hard to keep the tuna fresh in the deserts of North Africa?

[01:07:13]>> That's a good question. Are you ready for a good answer? No.

[01:07:20]That's the magic of it. The lines are refrigerated from source to spigot.

[01:07:27]>> That sounds delicious.

[01:07:30]But what about chocolate milk?

[01:07:32]>> Well, fortunate you should ask.

[01:07:35]>> Wait, why wouldn't I ask? It's in the script right here. It says, "Eric, quote, "What about chocolate milk?" End quote.

[01:07:42]>> You must have a newer version of the script. In mine, you say oval time.

[01:07:45]>> If you two will stay in character, we can get the funding to have it delivered to every kitchen in America.

[01:07:52]>> All right, dear.

[01:07:54]>> What's that you say? Every kitchen in America. Yes. Because once the infrastructure is built for the tuna salad super pipeline, then we can also have delicious chocolate milk delivered.

[01:08:09]>> Chilled vodka.

[01:08:15]>> Cassandra, please stay in character.

[01:08:18]Please stick to the script.

[01:08:22]Do Don't you see what's writing on this?

[01:08:25]Everything.

[01:08:27]The house is triple mortgaged. We have $60,000 or $600,000 in credit card debt.

[01:08:37]>> We do.

[01:08:39]>> I forget which.

[01:08:44]>> Eric's back brace thing is not >> Craig is coming home with his babies and illegitimate wife.

[01:08:51]>> They're not married. Oh, and if those angel investors don't come through, we'll we'll never get the funding, we'll drown in debt, and then I'll never get that house built.

[01:09:04]>> What's going on here?

[01:09:06]What's up with dad? And why is he using a trash can as a podium? We're practicing.

[01:09:11]>> Your father has passed up in a presentation he's going to have later today.

[01:09:15]>> Okay, well, keep it down.

[01:09:18]Stephanie's coming over later.

[01:09:19]>> That's nice, dear.

[01:09:20]>> Stephanie, what about Joanie?

[01:09:23]Come in.

[01:09:25]>> Hi.

[01:09:26]>> Hi.

[01:09:27]>> Thanks for coming by.

[01:09:28]>> I was about to hit the road when I got your phone call.

[01:09:31]>> Really?

[01:09:33]>> Where are you going?

[01:09:34]>> Uh, I'm heading north. Moving a family to Alaska.

[01:09:39]>> Alaska?

[01:09:40]Is the sun shining?

[01:09:43]>> Yes.

[01:09:44]>> No, I mean in Alaska. [music] Is is the sun shining?

[01:09:48]>> It's a 3-hour difference. It's only 2 p.m.

[01:09:51]>> No, that's not what I'm trying to say.

[01:09:54]What I'm trying to say is I I think of you like a sister, >> right? Well, yes, it being June, the sun is shining in Alaska.

[01:10:07]>> No, what I mean is what I'm trying to say is you and I, we're alike.

[01:10:16]>> We both sleep with women.

[01:10:18]>> No. No, but I really want to say you're friendly, you're nice, and I like you.

[01:10:32]>> Thought you said I was like your sister.

[01:10:34]>> And this is like a Greek tragedy.

[01:10:45]Let me go with you to Alaska.

[01:10:48]I have almost six weeks before I have to be to work. I have basically the whole summer free.

[01:10:55]>> I could use the company. I get lonely.

[01:10:59]>> You said >> I drive >> and I'll sing. I'm going to write a song a day like Woody Guthrie.

[01:11:06]>> Okay.

[01:11:06]>> No promises.

[01:11:08]>> Okay.

[01:11:08]>> If it doesn't work, just leave me on the side of the road.

[01:11:11]>> Okay.

[01:11:11]>> Just find a glacier and leave me be.

[01:11:14]>> I said okay.

[01:11:16]Let's get going before I change my mind.

[01:11:18]>> Okay, let's get going.

[01:11:20]>> What about her? Is she all right? Are you all right?

[01:11:25]>> I called her sister to come pick her up.

[01:11:28]I can't worry about her.

[01:11:32]It was so hot. I froze to death.

[01:11:35]Susanna, don't you cry.

[01:11:39]>> You know, for a songwriter, you are a terrible singer.

[01:11:42]>> I know. I know.

[01:11:45]Oh, Suzanne. [singing] >> Put that stuff away. It isn't good for you.

[01:11:56]>> Dad, you're here.

[01:11:58]>> We're going fishing.

[01:12:00]>> Fishing at this time of year.

[01:12:02]>> That's right. We're going fishing out at Lake Testic.

[01:12:05]>> What? Isn't that all the way out in California?

[01:12:07]>> That's why we need to get an early start.

[01:12:10]All right. Uh, then we'll go down to the river. I know the perfect place. Oh, I'd like that.

[01:12:15]>> Yeah, let me take this.

[01:12:19]>> It's Roland Pavlovich.

[01:12:21]What can I do for you, >> Roland? It's Michael. We have our angels.

[01:12:27]>> Well, I've always had an angel. In fact, two, maybe three.

[01:12:31]>> No, our angel investors. The tuna salad super pipeline.

[01:12:37]>> Yes.

[01:12:38]>> But that'll never work.

[01:12:40]>> It doesn't matter if it ever works.

[01:12:43]We issue an IPO, then secondary investors buy stock from us, and we walk away.

[01:12:50]>> It doesn't get built.

[01:12:52]>> That's up to the engineers and the board.

[01:12:54]>> I don't know about that.

[01:12:56]>> We walk away.

[01:12:58]>> Rich, I'm in.

[01:13:01]>> Great. I'm sending jeeps to pick you up.

[01:13:04]>> Uh, not today. I have something planned that I can't move.

[01:13:08]>> Fine. Tomorrow then.

[01:13:10]>> One question.

[01:13:39]Good.

[01:13:40]Yeah, that machine cost something like $20,000.

[01:13:43]>> Not the coffee, the poetry.

[01:13:46]>> Really?

[01:13:47]>> Yeah.

[01:13:49]>> Thanks.

[01:13:50]>> Should I enter it in a nerd slam?

[01:13:53]>> Nerd.

[01:13:54]>> Sexy nerd. Do you have a girlfriend?

[01:13:59]>> Uh, kind of.

[01:14:02]>> Want two more?

[01:14:05]>> Kind of.

[01:14:21]Stop.

[01:14:23]>> I'm ovulating.

[01:14:25]>> I know. I can read your lips.

[01:14:56]Eric's college education.

[01:15:00]>> Who's Eric?

[01:15:02]>> [laughter] >> They all died.

[01:15:15]Craig, Roman, my baby.

[01:15:19]I had a hysteric hysteric.

[01:15:26]>> No, it was a hysterical pregnancy.

[01:15:29]real [ __ ] funny.

[01:15:33]>> Sue is still around.

[01:15:35]>> We do sister things.

[01:15:37]>> I'm going to paint her picture and she is going to teach me about the three basics of love. Food, shelter, and spending money.

[01:15:47]>> She says that most couples are lucky to be honest with each other every once in a while, once a month, like the new moon.

[01:15:57]I wish she had taught me that before Craig and Roman and my baby disappeared, >> but she didn't. So, here we are.

[01:16:06]>> Lovely.

[01:16:07]>> There's really no one to blame.

[01:16:09]>> We are all responsible for our own actions.

[01:16:12]>> Mine cost me a lover I never had.

[01:16:16]>> Baby I never had >> and a husband I never had.

[01:16:22]They say that love is an opiate and laughter and aspirin for the masses.

[01:16:29]>> You just have to hope that when the initial high wears off, someone is still around to refill the prescription.

[01:16:40]>> That's a long fall.

[01:16:42]>> Roman, you came back.

[01:16:46]>> I did.

[01:16:49]>> I missed you.

[01:16:51]I know.

[01:16:54]>> I lost a baby.

[01:16:57]>> It was a hysterical pregnancy.

[01:17:00]>> I know. But enough of that.

[01:17:04]We have our own. In fact, I think you're pregnant now.

[01:17:10]You look pregnant.

[01:17:11]>> Do you?

[01:17:13]>> I am.

[01:17:14]>> That afternoon in St. Louis.

[01:17:29]Come on, Joanie. Those fish aren't going to catch themselves. Maybe Sue can meet us there for lunch.

[01:17:34]>> Can Roman come, too?

[01:17:36]>> Of course. And Donna, >> of course. Well, who's Donna?

[01:17:41]>> But what if we don't catch anything?

[01:17:43]>> Joy, baby. Nobody goes fishing for fish.

[01:17:47]Go to the company.

[01:17:50]>> Dad pregnant.

[01:17:54]>> It's wonderful, honey. A miracle.

[01:21:16]and I went as far as to prove it.

[01:21:19]>> Ouch. Oh, you [ __ ] >> What good is a smartphone when you have a dumbass operator?

[01:21:26]I can't figure this thing out at all.

[01:21:28]They call this smart. What's smart is having a secretary to answer and return all your calls and your emails.

[01:21:35]Especially from your wife until you start sleeping with her.

[01:21:39]>> This is a man.

[01:21:40]>> Yeah, I'm a woman.

[01:21:42]>> Yeah, I have me.

[01:21:43]>> Oh, come on. Really?

[01:21:45]>> Yeah. Day 15. It's that time.

[01:21:48]>> Isn't that funny? I hadn't met Brad who used to take me fishing out at Lake Penstone. Can I call you Brad? No.

[01:21:53]>> Can I look like a Brad?

[01:21:56]>> If you want, you can even call here and talk to me.

[01:22:00]Yeah. Yeah. Just ask the nurse. Get it.

[01:22:04]>> You know where she's supposed to sign, right?

[01:22:06]>> I do. Give me the highlighter.

[01:22:09]>> Thank you. You're welcome. You always liked you when you first started. Then you talked.

[01:22:17]>> Hey, lady. I'm trying to rest here.