From Missouri to Milton Keynes to See Jimmy Carr!? - Milton Keynes, England

Ajouté : 2026-05-30

[00:00:00]Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is Jimmy Carr  Crowdwork, the podcast where I do Crowd Work. Uh, yeah, obviously. Um, this is me  in Milton Kees talking to a lady who came all the way from Missouri.  Enjoy. Yeah. I thought you like men, not women. You thought I like men, not women.  Oh, sir, the disappointment in your voice.

[00:00:24]I realize you have probably shouted that out with  just a just a salt bay pinch of homophobia there, but you've made yourself sound  incredibly [ __ ] gay, mate.

[00:00:39]Oh no, he's got all these  stories about [ __ ] girls.

[00:00:45]No, it doesn't matter. I'm  just thought he might like me.

[00:00:53]Give him some. I like girls like you pretend to.

[00:01:06]Why do you laugh backwards? Why do I laugh  backwards? I I mean that is a great question. I have a theory on this. Okay, now I can't swear to  it, but you've all seen the movie Aladdin, right?

[00:01:18]And the guy rubs the lamp and the  genie comes out and he grants the kid a wish. Now obviously the  genie is from the Middle East, right? Alibaba and the 40 Thieves. It's all  that kind of thing, right? So there's going to be a language barrier. I think at some point  I met a genie and I got a wish and now there's been a mixup in translation and instead of  being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one.

[00:01:54]How long have you been a comedian? How long  have I been a comedian? What is it? Sorry, you're not from HMRC, are you? I got to be super [ __ ] careful here. You're going to  start dragging up cash in hand gigs.

[00:02:13]Look, you ain't seen me, right? If anyone asked,  you ain't [ __ ] seen me. I think like 25 years.

[00:02:20]I just wondered if this was your first go. You  just wondered if this was the first go. Oh, this [ __ ] thinks I don't  have jokes about cripples.

[00:02:46]I don't even [ __ ] like vegetables.

[00:02:55]Hang on. My Where's Where's I've got a  friend in as well. Where's my Where's my uh Where's the other guy?  Huh? You have a girlfriend?

[00:03:07]colleagues. Where is he? I'm up  here. You're up there. Okay. Hey, how are you? You all right? Got a  mate of mine at the show. He's also in a chair. If you're up for it.  Robot Wars. Should we You want to He's going to [ __ ] you up. Not  that you aren't already [ __ ] up.

[00:03:38]Battle of the Broken Toys. Come on.

[00:03:45]Sorry. There's a couple of very  nice ladies in the front going, "Are we allowed to laugh at  this?" Yeah, of course you [ __ ] Can you please heckle my mate Alan for pissing on my daughter's bedroom floor  after a night on the lash? Mark.

[00:04:03]Alan. Alan. Hi. Hi, Alan. If you're going to  do water sports with your mate's daughter, put a [ __ ] sheet down or something.

[00:04:16]It's a disgraceful set of affairs. Did you  think you were walking into the bathroom? No, we were sleeping. You were sleeping with  his daughter. And not with his daughter.

[00:04:31]I feel social services need to get involved.  What? You were sleeping and you've done a wee.

[00:04:40]You need to get your prostate checked.

[00:04:53]Yeah, you need to get yourself fingered,  mate. There's no Sorry, you had to hear it from me. How old are you? 53. 53. About the  same age as me. Have you had your prostate check recently? No. Right. A very nice doctor  is going to finger your bum. You are not going to love it. That's the best case scenario.  Worst case scenario at 53 is you go, "Ooh, I feel alive.

[00:05:33]That's going to be a lot of lot of admin.  Um, good luck. What's it like to pay tax? I don't I don't mind paying tax when uh especially  when our country is in such safe hands. I mean, for [ __ ] sake. What a [ __ ] limp dick  that guy is. Every run for prime minister then. I you did say president first  name then didn't you? So you I know I know you corrected yourself. I know  you did. I know. It's such a shame, isn't it? I should run for prime  minister. Oh, those tax rates will be low.

[00:06:18]I think I might win. I think people  might get in the booth and go, "Fuck it. This guy's this guy's on our side.

[00:06:32]Oh, can you imagine place would be there?

[00:06:39]Yeah, we're scrapping all that  HMRC have now been locked up. What?

[00:06:47]Why aren't you coming to Canada?  Forcing me to come here. Why? Why aren't I coming to Canada with this tour?  With this tour. Okay. On the 2nd, 3rd, fourth, and fifth of January, I played four  hockey arenas in a country called Canada.

[00:07:10]But before that, before like  two weeks ago, before that, I'd only been there in November, October,  and September of the previous year, playing a total of 12 shows. Count  them across the [ __ ] country.

[00:07:32]You've come here to see me. What have you got?  A carbon footprint like a fracking wookie.

[00:07:45]It's on the website, sir. [ __ ] search  it before you go buying a plane ticket.

[00:07:53]Hey, Jimmy. My best mate Sam has had a  horrible year. His engagement broke off and soon after he had a motorbike accident  that nearly killed him and left him in a rehab center for 2 months. As laughter is the  best medicine, can you laugh at him for me, please? Thanks. This shouldn't be a  problem. Where's Sam? Where are you, Sam? He's in Switzerland, but he's my friend.  He's in Switzerland, but he's your friend. And is he Should we send him a message? Um, yeah.  I think he's got nothing else to do. So, yeah, he's got nothing else to do. Do you want  to call him? Is he Is he there then? He might answer. Well, if he answers, we'll  say hello. He's ringing. He's ringing.

[00:08:32]Should we just leave a message?  Yeah. Tell me when to start.

[00:08:44]Sam. Hi, Sam. She left you cuz you  can't ride a bike, you [ __ ] idiot.

[00:09:02]Someone had their hand up over there. Go  on. What? I was wondering why you spell your name with two Rs? You're wondering  why I spell my name with two Rs. Hello.

[00:09:22]That's a fair question. Um, it's the  anglicized version of an Irish name, Okoral. So at some point uh my c my country  was colonized by the British and a lot of people changed their names to sound more British  and so the I I should be Sheamus Okoral Jimmy K.

[00:09:43]Fine. Where are you from? From Missouri.  You're from Missouri. America. In America.

[00:09:48]Yes. There's no other Missouri. That is  the only Missouri. You don't really need to qualify with that with with a in  America from the world. What are you doing in Milton Kees? Your travel agent's  something of a [ __ ] isn't he? Jesus. No.

[00:10:12]No offense to the fine city of Milton  Kees. I mean, you've got a lot of lot of roundabouts in Milton Kes. Have you  noticed that, sir? Lot of roundabouts.

[00:10:20]They've got the round. You know why they've got  a lot of roundabouts? Because the council here are at least honest and they're saying  to people that are visiting, you sure?

[00:10:31]You sure you could? Honestly,  if you want to turn around, you could be back on the motorway in seconds.  Are you sure? And then half a mile down the road, you sure you're sure? Because you could There's  nothing going on here. What are you doing here, my friend? Um, I came to see you. You came to see  me. All right. The Canadian. You're off the hook.

[00:10:59]Thanks very much. Who are you here with? Uh, my wife, Megan. Hi, Megan. How are you?  Are you from Missouri as well? Okay. Was very nice to see you. Are you doing  anything else while you're in the UK?

[00:11:19]I've got terrible news about my American tour  and the fact I'm coming to Missouri in June.

[00:11:30]I'll see you again. Okay. Thank God. What do you  do for a living, my friend? Um, military. Oh, you're in the military. Well, thank you for your  service. What bit of the military are you in? Uh, the Air Force. The Air Force. the US. Thank  you for your service. I like I don't know if you heard that the back US Air Force in any  freedoms that you might take for granted down to that guy putting his life on the line. [ __ ]  great. But I like the fact he said Air Force US Air Force. Like just to just to clarify,  I'm not in al-Qaeda. Don't worry about that.

[00:12:08][ __ ] great, man. Nice to have you here. Um I'll  think of something to say about America. Um, of obviously you've got you've got uh you got Trump,  right? Yes. Also, the great news he's very orange.

[00:12:21]Donald, have you ever seen Send Help is now  streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus. We're somewhere in the Gulf of Thailand. Getting us out  of here should be your focus. I'm your boss. You work for me. Not in the office anymore. It's bold,  relentless, and endlessly rewatchable. Discover why critics give it 93% on Rotten Tomatoes.  You're so fired. Oh, am I? No help is coming.

[00:12:48]Send help. Rated R. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu  on Disney Plus. Him up close. Bright orange. He's been [ __ ] tango. He's very technically he is  the second person of color to become president.

[00:13:06]You are my girlfriend's crush. Pretty sure she's  thought about you while we've been going at it.

[00:13:12]Her name is Lauren Knight something.  Yes, it's a stupidly long name. Also, we're here with our boss and he doesn't know  we're together. Oh, where's where's Lauren?

[00:13:24]Can we turn up the lights? Where's Have a look  at Lauren. Where are you, Lauren? T Lauren, I don't think she's like she's not for everyone,  but Lauren, where are you? Lauren, what? Hi, Lauren. So, what do you do for a living, Lauren?  I work at Screw Fix. You work at Screw Fix.

[00:13:51]Is that like a DIY place or a local brothel?

[00:13:56]Screw Screw Fix would be a great name for  a brothel, wouldn't it? So, have you guys, and I I hate to put you on the spot here,  but have you ever [ __ ] at work? Oh, she's checking with him if it's okay to  say. You're not checking with him to say, "Oh, well, look, this is a lovely thing cuz in the  papers, right, if you read the mainstream media, you will only ever see stories about  sexual harassment at the workplace going badly. Sometimes you honk someone's tits and  grab their [ __ ] at work and they like it.

[00:14:34]Screwix.

[00:14:43]Oh, the name's in the [ __ ] title. I  love it. It's lovely to have you here.

[00:14:48]Who's Who's the guy? Which Who's the lucky  guy? Oh, nice. Well, I hope you're very happy together. And who's the boss? Where's  the boss? Don't be a dick about this. Yeah, be a [ __ ] Don't be a dick about it. Yeah,  sometimes he's going to have to [ __ ] her in the disabled toilets. That's just that  phase of the relationship is probably the first two years absolute maximum.  Yeah, just [ __ ] look the other way.

[00:15:16]You think about what the disabled toilet's for, isn't it? If you're not  using it, they get to [ __ ] That's what that handrail is for, isn't it?  That it's for more exotic positioning. You don't [ __ ] need that. You'll be fine. He's  fine with it. You're good. All right. Are they lesbians? Where are the lesbians? Hello.  I can't just call you the lesbians. What's your name? Danielle. Danielle. All right,  Danielle. I've got I've got next level gay doll. Not only can I tell you're gay, Danielle,  I can tell you're the one wearing the strap on.

[00:15:54]I'm not playing you at pool. You sound  like a force to be reckoned with. Danielle, what do you do for a living, Danielle?  I'm a production operative. A production officer. Operative. Operative. A production  operative. Well, I know both those words, but I don't know what you do. G,  what does that mean? I work for a company called working by leather  goods. You work with leather goods.

[00:16:29]Danielle, be honest with me. You  heard it as soon as you said it, didn't you? I work with leather goods. Who's been  a naughty girl? I was right about the strap on, wasn't I? What do you think of Bonnie? What do  I think of Bonnie Blue? Have I had a stroke?

[00:16:51]I can't smell toast. I have no  idea. What? What? Sorry. The young girl just slept with a thousand  men. The young girl that's just slept with a thousand men. What? In in how  many hours? 12 hours. 12 hours. Oh, as if I was going to go what? The full 24  hours. I'm not that impressed. 12 hours.

[00:17:15]Interesting. Well, I don't know. We're very judgy  about such things, but we've all seen hot dog eating contests. It's no different. [ __ ] hell.  All right, mate. Your mom's been in the news.

[00:17:35]The show started.

[00:17:41]Um, I'm I I I'm pretty sex positive. I wouldn't  judge her for that. I think it's like I don't know. I presume she made a ton of money doing  it, right? It's a weird thing as well. I think there's an odd thing where we [ __ ] shame because  of numbers like, okay, so imagine someone goes on honeymoon uh and they get [ __ ] for 12 hours  straight by their fiance or by their husband, right? On the on the honeymoon. We're  not judging that, right? It's all, oh, tremendous. You had a lot of sex over that  weekend. Well done. But if you have 12 hour 12 hours of sex with a thousand random guys, oh, like  her [ __ ] must be ruined. It's the [ __ ] same.

[00:18:26]I think you should do it.

[00:18:34]You'll think about it. Do you mind  me asking, madam? And I know this is a personal question. Have you got  kids? Yes. How many you got? Two. Oh, come on. It's a skydivers's mouth. Most  of the fellas won't touch the sides.

[00:18:50]You had cesarians. [ __ ] Sorry, you  didn't see that. That's so good. Her other half just went. That's a That's  a bit of true love right there. Um, was she trying to break a record? She got the  world record. What for? Most disappointed dad.

[00:19:19]She got the most 12 hours. The most men for tw  in 12 hours. Okay. Sorry. She broke the world record for most men in 12 hours with 1,000  men. Okay. 157. Okay. In second place, two.

[00:19:38]She really [ __ ] overorrected there, didn't she?

[00:19:46]That's That's not great.

[00:19:53]Oh, well. And And uh there's some slotty  looking women in here. Why don't we ask what's your best day?

[00:20:09]One business has been slower as one a day every day. That's me.  Um, great question. Happy 18th son, Nathaniel. Not a day goes past where  I don't wonder if your mom should have swallowed you. Then I remember that  would have cost £50 extra, Dad. Or am I?

[00:20:46]This is excellent. Where's Where's Nathaniel?  Where are you, Nathaniel? Where's Nathaniel? Hi.

[00:20:57]Your dad's a [ __ ] legend, mate.

[00:21:02]The man that's 90% sure he's your dad  is a [ __ ] legend. What do you do, Nathaniel? Go to college. What? You go  to college and what what's your plan for life? What are you going to do? Uh,  go to uni. Go to uni. I've got shocking news. There is life beyond that. What do  you think? What do you want to be? Has this not come up before? No one's ever  No one's ever taken any interests. Okay, go on. What What are you thinking?  What are you going to study at uni, Nathaniel? Sport science. Sport science.  All right, I'll put not the brightest.

[00:21:46]Kick ball.

[00:21:50]Sport science. What do you want to be? A PE  teacher. I know what I like and I like kids.

[00:22:01]Well, good on you, whatever  you do. Happy birthday, man. I dare to insult Frankie Bole. What?  I dare you to insult Frankie Bo. You dare me to insult Frankie Bole. Why would I  insult Frankie Bo when I can see you?

[00:22:16]You look like a before photo for something.

[00:22:22]I like Frankie. We sort of started around the  same time. We used to write on a show called, you remember Distraction? Anyone remember  that? I'm showing my age now. It's like 22 years ago. We used to make this crazy TV  show and Frankie was one of the writers on it. That's when I first met him.  He's a [ __ ] hilarious dude. I mean, he's quite pale and ginger. Are there ginger  people in? Yeah. Some offense. Yeah. Well, that's [ __ ] ginger there, isn't it? Look at  that. Cuz if you get sunburnt by a cresant moon factor 50 for you just to look in the fridge.

[00:23:01]You need a balaclava to check your iPhone.

[00:23:07]Look like an x-ray of a regular person.

[00:23:13]What's your best lock story? My god. I remember  once like we're having a conversation. It was like apppropo of nothing. We weren't on stage. It's  just a couple of us hanging around in a bar. And uh he went, "I [ __ ] a homeless  woman." I went, "What, Sean?" "Yeah, I [ __ ] a homeless woman." So, what  happened? He said, "Well, I was walking past this homeless woman. I didn't have any  change, and you can't just give her nothing."

[00:23:43]The [ __ ] lunatic. Are you  still [ __ ] homeless women?

[00:23:46]Am I still [ __ ] homeless women?  Have you just come too? Have you?

[00:23:54]Yeah, of course I am. Yeah. The great thing  about [ __ ] homeless women, drop her off anyway.

[00:24:02]I once saw a homeless guy getting off a bus and  I thought, well, how does he know it's his stop?

[00:24:09]Shout out to my bisexual misses who won't give me a threesome but got me tickets  for Christmas. Cheers, Jen. Jen, where's where's Jen Jen? Where are you? Jen  Jen up here. Up here. Bet she is. Yeah. Right.

[00:24:26]Every hole's a goal. Uh the So, Jen, Jen, are  you bisexual? Hi. I like the northern term for bisexual. They don't say bisexual  in the north. They say a fry s chips.

[00:24:45]Inflation is a lot like my girlfriend. Hard  to understand. It'll eat away at your savings and it's big in South America. That's why I buy  gold and you can too at the pure gold company.

[00:24:56]You can buy gold as a store of wealth,  as a hedge against the risk of inflation, or because you're worried about political  instability. And if you tell them that I sent you, you get 6 months storage free. So there's  that. Also, if you tell them I sent you, they will give me a tiny little fraction of  the gold that you buy. So, you know, I'm in this for the money. In all seriousness, if you are  looking to protect your wealth with physical gold, then I highly recommend the Pure Gold Company.  Just click the link in the description or head to the pure-gold.co/jimmy to get your free copy  of their investor guide. That's pur-gold.co.

[00:25:33]co/jimmy. Mention my name when you speak to  them and you'll get 6 months of secure storage for your bullion absolutely free. Yeah, I'm very  good to you. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. I hope you enjoyed that clip and if you want to come and  see me live, just click the link below and buy tickets. It's perfect for anyone that likes  a laugh and has normal sexual interests. So, if that sounds like you, click the link, buy some  tickets, and uh and if that's not you, then well, I don't know what to suggest. Maybe uh maybe  search for some stuff on the dark web. Your purve.