Ridiculous TRIGGERS in ADDICTION - Crazy

[00:00:00]Hey, what's up everybody? Um, today I'm going to talk to you about triggers.

[00:00:05]Uh, prompted actually from a video from Back Country, but I was listening to it earlier and it's his latest video. I was listening to it and when he was talking about something, my mind went off somewhere and I just thought that's how easy it is, isn't it? you know, and I always get a lot of comments about how I could possibly be triggering other addicts or people that are looking for sobriety content because of course I use the same hashtags as people like liver disease, uh, you know, stew from back country and all that kind of stuff. So, I probably come up sometimes as someone that can help, but I'm not. I'm not a sober content creator. I am someone in addiction. If anything, I'm a pissed-up content creator, if you want to go down that line.

[00:01:19]um you know, but uh yeah, after listening to Stu's video today, and how quickly I switched into kind of a different mode, I did think to myself, you know, you really do have to be careful what you say and what you put out. And I'm not saying that Stu did a bad thing. I'm saying that something that he said made it quickly made me go somewhere.

[00:01:49]And I thought to myself, what have I potentially done to people that were looking for, you know, sobriety content? And and sometimes I ask myself, you know, am I being irresponsible?

[00:02:09]But people can watch. People can watch or they don't watch.

[00:02:16]So, how much responsibility do I have really?

[00:02:22]Do I have a lot of responsibility or do I have zero responsibility?

[00:02:28]I've got to be honest. I think it's fucking zero. I think it, you know, watch or don't watch. Um, I've said as I've said before, in fact, I said in a video only a couple of days ago, uh, Bin Lee, who's another sober content creator, he started a channel reviewing non-alcoholic beers. And I said straight away from there, that's that's not for me, you know. So, even if I clicked on that by accident, I did watch his first one. I don't know if he's watched anymore. I haven't been back to the channel, but um, yeah, it's not for me.

[00:03:05]So, just move on.

[00:03:07]But I have had loads of com I've had loads of comments in the past. You know, the sun is so bright.

[00:03:15]But I've had loads of comments in the past.

[00:03:19]My comment section. I think we all know by now, don't we, that it is an absolute shitfest. It's It's h It's crazy. There's I get both extremes. I get so much love.

[00:03:37]I think I get more love from some people than um I deserve and I get a lot more hate than I think in some instances is justified, but I do think I get a little bit more than I deserve.

[00:03:53]But it's part and parcel of being on the internet, isn't it? Um but yeah. Wow. Cy, you know, some of the funny comments that I laugh about is, and I get a lot of these, people say, um, I watch Rick because if there's ever been a deterrent to alcohol, he's it, you know, nobody wants to live this life. Nobody wants to be the embarrassment that I kind of um push upon myself really, you know. I've got no I've got no one to blame. But I just talk shit on the internet and that's that. And this is my life and you can choose to watch it or you can choose not to. But some people actually I've had emails where they've said, "Thank you for the content. I watch you not as an inspiration, but as somebody that I don't want to be. So, a kind of backhanded compliment. I think [laughter] it's a shame. But anyway, yeah, I just wanted to talk about a couple of triggers that I was thinking about today. So, uh obviously again I So, I was watching Stu today and uh he was talking about the drinks that he thinks have fucked his life up the most.

[00:05:24]Um I could go through that list also.

[00:05:28]Uh very interesting. Yeah, it's very interesting because you do go through periods of your life where you drink certain drinks. Um as I say, mine now is white cider. I was on uh Henry Weston's for a little bit, which is still a cider, but not white cider, not the cancer stuff, you know. Uh and before that it was wine. I used to drink um every day before work. I used to work 210 shift and I used to go into a factory and I was the manager. Yeah. I was a line manager for that factory and we used to produce crazy money because it was for it was for um JLR Jaguar Land Rover. So we used to make parts for Jaguar Land Rover and about 35 about 35 grand an hour was coming off the line that I was in charge of and I was fucking hammered every day. I used to drink a bottle of wine before my 210 shift. I used I'll tell you how embarrassing. In fact, I have this in my notes for a future video, so stay tuned for that. But I used to have my operators, I don't even like saying that. We're all employees, but what I mean is I used to help them when I shouldn't have helped them.

[00:06:52]It's very hard to explain.

[00:06:55]It's very hard to explain. You're you're not supposed to intervene uh in a production line. I used to intervene to help to reduce the load off my operators and in turn they would go to the shop for me and they would buy me drinks and put them in my car.

[00:07:20]That's I could tell you a lot of stories from that place. I worked there for 10 years.

[00:07:27]But yeah, that was uh I know it sounds silly, but no, I'll I'll save that for another time. But yeah, that was a that that was a mad time as well. I was drinking.

[00:07:43]And you know what as well in a 10 year in a 10 year period that I worked there I think I wrote off three cars I think just driving to and from work.

[00:08:02]So as I say that's a long time ago that's not recent. So, please don't judge me bas well judge me based on that if you want but um it was a long time ago.

[00:08:18]So anyway, so the triggers so I was listening to Ste I listen to Stu's video earlier and he started talking about I forgot now. Was it Wolfberry wine?

[00:08:32]Now, I'd never heard of Wolf Berry wine, but as soon as I heard it, he was talking about this sweet kind of wine. It took me straight back um it took me straight back to a time in my life where where I live and the towns there, right? There used to be a pub called the Darbisha Arms and it was a very local it it was very local kind of um independent pub, you know, it wasn't it wasn't a chain of anything and it was always rammed. It was always clean. They serve good food.

[00:09:13]Well, they didn't serve much food, but they had like snacks, but everything was homecooked. Nothing was frozen. The pint, they had like local breweries um and things like that. And even though it wasn't directly one of those pubs that was what you'd call like a pre a pre-own pub, you know, where you go and have some beers and then you go into town. wasn't really that, but it kind of was that. So, you you go there at 9:00 at 8 7 depends how much of an alcoholic you are. You the earlier you fucking get there, the more pissed you get. And it was only small. There was only two rooms, but it was immaculate and it was a lovely country pub. So, for those that aren't British that watch this channel, if you think about your most quintessential British pub, that's what that was like.

[00:10:10]It was just, it was just lovely, cozy.

[00:10:14]But what they did have across the back was wine that they brewed themselves.

[00:10:22]Uh, so they were like kind of brewers in the I was it was it like a family pool? I can't remember.

[00:10:32]But they used to have wine to the point where it was everywhere, [snorts] right? It was all they used to stack it all up. There was only one bottle of each.

[00:10:41]Obviously, they replace them, but the labels were just handwritten. Cherry, strawberry, elderflower, whatever. All these amazing bottles of wine, right?

[00:10:55]And you could go, you could have a glass or whatever of these wines, but also you could purchase the wines, take them home if you wanted to, whatever, right? And that pub was always rammed every Friday, every Saturday. I used to go there every single weekend with friends and then we'd go into town and just, you know, get dismantled. But um yeah, I always used to as soon as Stu said that and it was like about this wine. I was thinking about that wine straight away. That that strawberry wine. Strawberry. I love strawberry, right? And I was thinking about this strawberry wine that I used to drink.

[00:11:35]And it's it's strong, right? It's about 14% because it's kind of home brewed if you like. Um, in fact, I don't even know if legally they they could sell it. They couldn't, could they? I don't think you can't have a pup make your own wine and sell it, can you? I don't think so.

[00:11:54][laughter] I don't know. But, uh, everybody used to drink all all this wine, everything.

[00:12:01]Apricot, mango wine, everything. But it was so strong that you couldn't taste a fucking ounce of alcohol. So, it was deadly, you know, and I think Stu mentioned that in his video, you know, there's some drinks, some wines and things like that that are absolutely deadly.

[00:12:21]And um, you know, I used to bring bottles home. I used to But what I'm trying to say is I I watched that video and I was listening I was listening intently to his video, right?

[00:12:38]I enjoy stew stuff.

[00:12:41]And as soon as he mentioned that wine, my mind went and I stopped listening to him. My mind was back at the Darbisha. I was already back at the pub then. And I was like, "Oh my [snorts] god." And when he started talking about that uh that wine, do you know what I wanted to do? Do you know the first thought that came to my mind is? I'd love to taste that.

[00:13:03]I would love to taste that.

[00:13:10]And this is how easy, you know, this is how easily we can um get ourselves into that that situation.

[00:13:21]You know, he was talking about his brandy. I love brandy and oh my god days. Brandy is a big one for me. You know, one of my favorite drinks, port. I love port. I'm going to tell you a story once where I drank port. I dressed up as Banana Man and I was going to a roller skate derby, right? I ended up arguing with the wife. We had friends in the car as well. I kicked off. I came out of the I came out of the car. I was halfway to the skate park. I walked all the way down the the roads. I walked into a a pub, dressed up as Banana Man. I ordered some drinks, got paralytic, and got taken home by the police. Um, you and that was poor. I love port. I love port.

[00:14:16]You see, even now I'm starting to reminisce and it's not good. It's not good.

[00:14:27]So, okay, that was one trigger. It's obviously not Stu's fault that I'm thinking about alcohol, but I'm just trying to say that sometimes you can just watch something and you can just be transported back to somewhere else. I remember uh one one time this was like from about I don't know criy a couple of years ago I purchased a um a crate of Henry Weston. So, when I used to drink Henry West, I purchased a crate off Amazon and I logged back into Amazon a few months ago and it came up as like um a price reduction, you know, very easy for me to go again. And even though I was trying my best not to drink, then I'm thinking, "Oh, they're only 1 pound 170 a bottle or equivalent of 1.70 a bottle. you know, they're three quid at the shop or what have you.

[00:15:22]And straight away, again, I should not be worrying about the price of an item. It's the item. I don't want the item. Doesn't matter whether it's free. I should not even be considering it.

[00:15:43]And then this is something else. I was at little the other day and I thought to myself, look, I need to, you know, I need to be healthy. I need to do this.

[00:15:53]So, I start buying loads of fruit, right? Loads of fruit, loads of veg. And the first the first thing is I seen some cherries, right?

[00:16:04]The first thing I thought was £2.99 for cherries. Not a chance. That's extortionate. it. You ask me to buy vodka, wine, or something else that's going to kill me. Not a problem.

[00:16:20]So, again, I try and shake myself out of that mentality and go, "What are you talking about?"

[00:16:26]$2.99 for some healthy food, but yet you'll spend 10 times that on something that'll kill you. So, your mindset is messed up when um when you're in addiction. So, anyway, I shake myself out of that. I buy these cherries, right? I bring them home, eat them. I love cherries. But do you know where my mind went when I saw them cherries back at home? Is my friend that came round at Christmas and he was making cherry vodka and he was dumping loads of homemade cherries into this vodka.

[00:17:07]So you have to be so careful because everywhere you look, every thought now of course I'm in addiction, right?

[00:17:19]So it's so I'm telling you from this perspective obviously with 6 months, 12 months of sobriety, I may see things differently. In fact, I'm sure I'll see things differently. But I'm just trying to explain to you how I see things today. I go on Amazon, something pops up, my mind's gone. I go to the supermarket, I see cherries, my mind is gone. I watch a video, somebody else talking about addiction.

[00:17:49]Um, in a positive way, by the way, you know, I I I I think Stu's fantastic. I'm just saying how I how a mention of a certain wine sent my mind somewhere else. I mean, I'm not even going to lie. When he was talking about that wild berry wine, I was googling it.

[00:18:10]And if I'm honest, I had to I had to come off the web page quick. have to come off I had to come off Google quick because if I'd have seen that for something like [clears throat] 30 delivered from China, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have, you know, put my credit card details in.

[00:18:29]So yeah, I I just find it interesting and I'm pretty sure that a lot of people are going to watch this video that are in a similar situation to me where you're still um you're still in the depths, you know, you're still in the trenches and uh everything is a trigger.

[00:18:48]I mean, even now just right, let me tell you how stupid it is.

[00:18:54]I just when I film, I don't like to look at myself, right? So you'll see me look away a lot. Yeah, but I just caught myself. Then I see my t-shirt. Um, n speciesism by the way, right? Completely irrelevant to this um to this video, but I looked at the color and it made me think when I was in little the other day, I see mangoes right now. There used to be a pub uh that's quite close to where my mom and dad live. So, it's kind of halfway Well, no, it's not. It's like uh it's you you go from my parents house and it goes to the long road. You have to go down the long road to where I live, but uh cuz we're about 5 miles apart, right? But it's it's about it's less than a mile from my mom and four miles from me. But I used to go to this pub all the time when um uh when I used to live at home. So when I was young and I used to go downtown and that was one of the pubs as well that we used to go to before we'd head off into town, get a taxi into town and we'd get hammered there and fuck off somewhere else called the Chesterfield.

[00:20:01]The Chesterfield Arms it's called. And they used to have melon uh sorry not melon mango. They used to have mango cider on top and it was like 6%. So it was uh on draft. That's uh that's that's good knockout fuel. That is a few pints of that. But isn't it interesting? Right, I've just looked at my t-shirt. I've seen the color and then I remembered mango in the supermarket and straight away I've gone back to the pub.

[00:20:40]Crazy really if you think about it, isn't it?

[00:20:46]Obviously, these these little triggers, these little reminders, they will they will they will weaken the longer that you become sober, get off the drink. But it's interesting, I think.

[00:21:04]Let me know in the comments if other people feel like that. I rand random cherries, random t-shirt colors, random um Amazon suggestions.

[00:21:22]I think this is what we're up against, isn't it? You know, um it's going to be a it's going to be a tough fight most certainly.

[00:21:36]But as I have said before, I will not give up. I will continue to try. Um, for the people I seen one comment yesterday that said, um, did it say I was hideous or something to look at? I agree. I don't take care of myself like I should. So, uh, I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow. I'm going to take care of myself and, um, I'm going to beat the addiction. Fuck it. You know, it's it's just a series of decisions every day.

[00:22:11]I can make the wrong ones or I can make the right ones.

[00:22:17]Okay. Right. Adios. And I shall see you.

[00:22:20]You know what? Fuck it. Tomorrow I'm going to do a video every day. Why not?

[00:22:26]Sila.