Will My Gambling Addiction Ruin My Marriage?

Added: 2026-06-02

[00:00:00]I've always kind of always had a little bit of a gambling itch, but recently it's kind of gotten to a point where it's just kind of ruining my life.

[00:00:08]And I don't [clears throat] I don't seem to be able to stop it, and some things have really happened recently that my wife, you know, it just kind of just feels like my wife might be getting to that point where it's like do this or this, you know. She hasn't really said anything, but it's just that's how it feels, and I I don't know how to stop.

[00:00:25]>> Okay, can I Let me stop right there.

[00:00:28]How many people have you said out loud what you just told me?

[00:00:33]Honestly, no one ever.

[00:00:35]>> I I heard that, and I just want to honor you.

[00:00:41]That's a courageous thing to say out loud. I'm proud of you for that, okay?

[00:00:47]Thank you.

[00:00:51]Take a Take a deep breath, brother.

[00:00:59]How long have you been gambling?

[00:01:03]Since I was a teenager. Okay.

[00:01:07]You're married, you got kids?

[00:01:09]Yeah.

[00:01:10]Yes. How many?

[00:01:13]I have two kids. How old are they?

[00:01:16]>> [clears throat] >> My son is 11, my daughter is 13.

[00:01:19]Awesome.

[00:01:21]Um so how big of a hole have you dug yourself?

[00:01:29]That's the thing, right? I've I've never really gone into debt. I mean, little debts here and there for like, you know, short-term loans and stuff like that, but I think the biggest hole that I've dug myself is that I've never been able to set myself up or my family for the future or like saved. I've just never I can't hold on to money. Okay. I can't.

[00:01:50]>> [sighs] >> Yeah, I just I'm not able to build on anything, and it's just every time I get I have a little extra change it's like It's the idea of an ROI is to go to the casino and try to flip it.

[00:02:03]>> Yeah.

[00:02:05]And you've [clears throat] had just enough flips that you feel like I can do it this time, right?

[00:02:11]Well, that's the thing is I've kind of always been a like a break-even poker player. Yeah.

[00:02:19]So, it kind of it it And it recently I've gotten I've gotten better to the point where it's it's basically like slow stem the bleeding, right? From the other gambling and um it just feels like the other the other stuff's kind of gotten out of control lately and I can see I can kind of just see where it's going. Yeah. Um Cuz I have I have no control over it. Yeah. I feel like I don't Say that one more time.

[00:02:53]I feel like I have no control over the gambling.

[00:02:56]Take the word feel out of it and say that again.

[00:03:02]I have no control over the gambling.

[00:03:04]There you go.

[00:03:07]And this will surprise people that don't have problems with gambling but have you got to a point where you crave the loss, too?

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[00:03:54]Have you got to a point where you crave the loss, too?

[00:04:04]Only because it keeps me from doing it.

[00:04:07]There you go. Okay.

[00:04:09]This This strange turn for I'm jonesing for a win is there's something about getting hit in the mouth, too.

[00:04:18]That in a weird way feels safe.

[00:04:21]Right?

[00:04:24]Yes.

[00:04:26]Okay.

[00:04:28]So, you can't do this for your wife, and you can't do this for your kids. You got to do this for you.

[00:04:37]Right.

[00:04:39]Do you want to be done?

[00:04:42]I do.

[00:04:43]I'm just a I'm afraid of I guess my Sorry. You're good, man.

[00:04:56]I guess quitting to me means quitting everything, and It does with gambling.

[00:05:01]It's done. I don't I just don't feel like I have any other any other identity. Okay. Or So, that's going to be part of the getting well process.

[00:05:11]It's finding out who you are.

[00:05:14]Or let me say it another way. Gambling works, brother. It has for a long time.

[00:05:20]Right. It's kept you from having to do other things in your life that let you feel alive in your own skin.

[00:05:30]And it's a it's a cheap hack, and all cheap hacks work until they don't.

[00:05:36]Does your wife know y'all have nothing?

[00:05:40]Yeah, that's kind of big a kind of We've always kind of hovered near zero, it feels like, but never like I I was a kid, like when I was younger it was bad then then it kind of like chilled out if that makes sense.

[00:05:54]You didn't have any responsibilities.

[00:05:57]Yeah. And the heavier the responsibilities get, the more you need to escape your skin cuz you don't like who you are.

[00:06:04]Right.

[00:06:07]Yeah.

[00:06:08]Right?

[00:06:10]Yeah.

[00:06:13]Picture yourself sitting down with your 13-year-old and telling her, "We have no college fund."

[00:06:18]Yeah.

[00:06:20]Damn.

[00:06:22]Why, Dad?

[00:06:28]Cuz I wouldn't go do the work to get well.

[00:06:33]Yeah. Well Right?

[00:06:37]Yeah. And here's the deal. We're not going to ever have to have that conversation cuz today it's over.

[00:06:44]Yesterday.

[00:06:45]>> [clears throat] >> I can't tell you that. I'm just putting that out in the world. You have to own that and metabolize that and then you got to get your butt to work.

[00:06:55]Right.

[00:07:01]But you can't make peace with it.

[00:07:06]No. And that means you're going to have to lose your the fun at the blackjack table. That means you're going to lose the fun at the poker table. And the thing that sucks about poker is you can get better at that game.

[00:07:19]Right?

[00:07:20]Yeah. You can get better at that game.

[00:07:23]That means you have to delete every app and probably go to a flip phone for a season. That's just you pouring out all the alcohol in your house and giving your wife your debit and your credit card.

[00:07:33]Okay.

[00:07:35]You going to have to go to a uh a gamblers meeting tonight and skip family dinner.

[00:07:42]Okay.

[00:07:46]And you have to get up at 5:30 in the morning or 6:00 and go again.

[00:07:51]Yes, sir.

[00:07:54]And you're going to sit down with your wife and say I've I've been sick for a long time and this ends now. And it's going to be a rocky road and I hope that you'll ride with me.

[00:08:06]Right.

[00:08:08]I So, I guess the question I have also is just do I just take I just Obviously, I can't be in I can't have money. Do I just kind of just defer everything to her and just kind of like this for this is how it's going to be for a little while until we figure out like what till I get better or till like I don't want to like put it all on her because I've I I shoulder a lot of the responsibility, you know, of work.

[00:08:36]I just I kind of just I guess I don't know what that looks like. Do you work out? Do you ever go to the gym? You ever been to the gym before?

[00:08:43]>> Okay. I mean, I have I have, but I don't.

[00:08:46]>> Okay, so imagine you're on a a bench press and the weight's really heavy.

[00:08:52]And it's slowly coming down. It's going to crush your chest.

[00:08:55]Right. Would you not want to yell out to a spotter, "Hey, I need some help?"

[00:09:00]No, definitely.

[00:09:01]>> Cuz you don't want to bother anybody?

[00:09:02]Okay. Sometimes in marriage, some it's 95/5.

[00:09:07]Somebody's going to carry a huge load.

[00:09:09]And you don't want her to be your mom.

[00:09:12]But as your ride or die, as your gangster right next to you saying, "I'm I'm sick. I'm not well right now.

[00:09:24]Will you shoulder this for a season while I go do the work to get well?"

[00:09:29]Right. Okay. And here's the deal, brother. That's a vulnerable conversation cuz she might look at you and say, "No. I'm out."

[00:09:36]Yeah. Or she might break down sobbing and say, "I've I've wanted this day to come for so long."

[00:09:46]And then you have to go scorched earth.

[00:09:50]I need you to have the redo the passwords on our retirement fund. Oh, you don't have any retirement.

[00:09:58]I need you to do the passwords on our on our bank. I can't know how much money's getting deposited in this account. And here's all of our online bills. And for a season, I need you.

[00:10:10]Yeah.

[00:10:12]Man, I I guess I I never really thought of it.

[00:10:16]And then you wake up one day and you know, you're 35 and and you kind of just been doing this thing for a long time.

[00:10:22]And if nothing's different. Yeah. And then Well, it's things are different. Cuz life keeps putting weight on either side of that bar and it gets heavier and heavier and heavier.

[00:10:34]Yeah.

[00:10:35]And the way somebody struggling in any sort of addiction deals with the additional weight is to just do their thing more.

[00:10:42]So that's true. Yeah. Right? And so what you have to do is strip all that weight off. You can't leave the gym. You got to strip all that weight off and go back to just lifting the bar until you get strong enough to add 5 lb then 10 lb.

[00:10:52]And pretty soon you'll be back to lifting way more weight than you were before, but you'll be doing it not the crutch.

[00:11:00]Okay.

[00:11:05]Man, that's a >> [clears throat] >> really good.

[00:11:10]Yeah.

[00:11:12]Here's the three things I'm going to tell you, okay? Number one, you absolutely 1,000% take this to the bank, you cannot do this by yourself.

[00:11:23]The thing you think you're hiding from the world, which is the you inside your own chest, they all see it and they all feel it. And because you have an untreated addiction, they're paying the price for it.

[00:11:36]Mhm.

[00:11:37]What does that mean? That means you unzip your chest and you let your wife in.

[00:11:41]You go to meetings and let other men and women inside and see.

[00:11:47]And what you're going to find is oh, they didn't leave. They They love me. The thing I was most terrified of I was wrong. I am worth being loved.

[00:12:00]Yeah.

[00:12:05]I'm not the worst husband and the worst dad and the worst man. I'm not.

[00:12:15]The second thing is, you have to break up with money for a season.

[00:12:20]Scorched earth. You cannot go to the bar and hang out with the same people and just tell yourself you're not going to drink. You know you will.

[00:12:27]Right.

[00:12:29]And the third thing is you're going to have to let your wife love you.

[00:12:33]Okay.

[00:12:39]She She will. I I'm fairly certain she's ready. I just I just I don't want The thing The thing that prompted this whole situation started I know you're in the middle of explaining. No, no, I'm good. The thing that prompted this whole situation was the lady I don't We came on the podcast like maybe a week or 2 weeks ago.

[00:12:55]And she her she was I think she was married for like 20 25 years and her her husband was an alcoholic.

[00:13:02]And he finally wanted to get better and she was done already like >> Yeah.

[00:13:10]But here's what I don't want you to do.

[00:13:11]I don't want you to sit down with your wife and put this whole thing on her.

[00:13:14]And here's what I mean. I don't want you to sit down with her and say, "I'm afraid you're not going to love me anymore. I'm afraid I I want to do this for you. I'll do this for the kids."

[00:13:24]Because what you're doing is you'll be taking that cinder block in your backpack and handing it to her and say, "Carry it for a while."

[00:13:29]And it's not the tasks, it's your emotional weight.

[00:13:34]Right.

[00:13:34]>> I want you to sit down with your wife and say, "I'm worth being well and whole for y'all."

[00:13:41]Okay. "I'm worth being loved and I've never let you fully in and I'm sorry.

[00:13:45]And I've been a gambling addict for years and that ends today. Today's day one."

[00:13:52]Yeah.

[00:13:54]And here's what must be true.

[00:13:56]"I need you to take the money and the bills and the whatever for a while. I'll pick up some slack around here with the kids, with whatever.

[00:14:03]I'll start taking the kids to breakfast in the morning when I get done with meeting just and I'm going to practice sitting across from my 13-year-old and feeling like I'm under a heat lamp from all the exposure.

[00:14:15]But I'm not scared of her cuz I love her and I'm going to let her love me."

[00:14:20]Yes, sir.

[00:14:21]You know what I'm saying?

[00:14:23]Yeah. I understand.

[00:14:27]>> [gasps] >> I want to change. I want to be different. I want to I don't I don't I just don't Yeah, I don't like this.

[00:14:35]Okay.

[00:14:37]This is the This is bravery in action right here.

[00:14:41]This is character.

[00:14:43]Yeah.

[00:14:45]I appreciate that. And brother, listen to me. The road will suck.

[00:14:52]It feels like it, right? Okay. Yeah.

[00:14:55]Even you thinking you're going to get off this call and you're going to you're going to immediately start negotiating.

[00:15:01]Yeah.

[00:15:02]Feel like I'm already doing it in my head now, but I kind of want I don't want I don't want I don't want to let it in.

[00:15:06]>> I know.

[00:15:07]I know.

[00:15:09]Okay.

[00:15:10]>> [sighs] >> There's no negotiating with terrorists, right? In the middle of your chest.

[00:15:16]There's just not. No, sir. No.

[00:15:19]And if today's not [clears throat] the day you're done, then today's not the day you're done.

[00:15:23]No.

[00:15:24]But when you're ready, there's a ton of resources out there for you. There's Gambling Anonymous hotlines. I I I haven't found a lot of success with people like It's good acutely. I need someone to call right this second. Um but long-term getting better is I'm going to go sit down in a room full of people and say, "Hey, man. My name's Andrew. I can't stop."

[00:15:47]And you putting in the work to go find the meetings, you putting in the work to get up and roll out of bed, you putting in the work to miss dinners a couple times a week to go to these things.

[00:15:58]It it will begin to prove to you that you're a guy you can count on.

[00:16:05]And when you're struggling with an addiction like you have for this long, you've lost trust in you.

[00:16:12]And these slow, tiny steps of keeping your promises to your self self rebuilds that foundation underneath you, man.