Stop Feeling Guilty for Setting Boundaries

[00:00:00]Let me tell you something I had to learn the hard way. Everybody is not on a growth journey. They don't care to evolve, baby. They don't want to evolve.

[00:00:09]And this is where emotional intelligence becomes about protection. Because I understand that growth takes time, healing takes time, and certainly emotional intelligence requires a lot of time. But there's a difference between someone doing the work and someone who refuses to. And a lot of us, especially women, were taught to stay, to be patient, to overextend, to explain, to give people chance after chance after chance, even when the pattern is clear.

[00:00:42]But one thing I've learned, your protection is not how long you stay. It is your ability to enforce consequences.

[00:00:50]And baby, one of the most powerful consequences is distance.

[00:00:57]Sometimes you need to walk away, leave. Sometimes it's not a conversation. Sometimes it's not another explanation. Sometimes it's a cut off.

[00:01:10]No explanation needed. Because if someone lacks emotional intelligence and has no desire to grow, you're not building a relationship. You're managing dysfunction. And I'm saying this as someone who's had to learn this in real time. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her, "Stop trying to love people into evolving."

[00:01:36]I did it one too many times. Pay attention to patterns. Believe what you see. And protect your peace earlier because emotional intelligence is a choice, y'all. And when someone chooses not to grow, you need to choose yourself.

[00:01:54]Yeah.

[00:01:55]All right. Good people, drink your water, stay rooted, real, and knowledgeable, and mind your black business. And we're talking setting boundaries. Again, when you let a person slide once, they will think they are at a water park. Do you hear me? You see, there are certain kind of people out there who take advantage of you, right?

[00:02:14]Because you're a kind person. You have a pure heart. But let them slide once with doing something that you're uncomfortable with, that you're not okay with, where you feel disrespected. No matter if it's very minute and small or if it's large, regardless of what it is, if you let a person slide once, that is you teaching them on how to treat you. Okay? Setting boundaries is about what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not willing to tolerate. Your negotiables and your non-negotiables. Okay? So, when you set a boundary, that's letting that person know non-negotiable. There's no debating it. I am not okay with that. No, that's what setting a boundary is. Many people don't set boundaries because they feel like they have to be so boisterous and mean and aggressive and tough and no.

[00:02:55]And honestly, you know, growing up, that's what made it so hard for me to set boundaries because I wasn't a mean-spirited person. You know, I'm a pure-hearted person. I'm a kind person.

[00:03:04]You know, I mean well by everyone, genuine. So, it was hard for me to be mean to people because it's like the reason why I would say yes when I wanted to say no is because I didn't know I was people pleasing because I didn't want to be mean. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Understand something that is you prioritizing other people and their feelings and neglecting your own. You see, when you do things like this, it's a disservice to yourself. You lack self-worth, self value, self-love. Okay?

[00:03:32]Also, when you do this, when you say yes, when you really want to say no, you create a war within yourself. It affects your mental health because all you can contemplate and think about is how you wanted to say no and you're not okay with this or you're uncomfortable. And here's the thing, you have to set boundaries within yourself. It starts with yourself, your own selfrespect.

[00:03:53]Okay? So, for example, if you say, "I want to start working out. I'm going to start working out on Tuesday."

[00:04:00]Tuesday rolls around and you make excuses and you don't go work out. See, that is you not respecting yourself.

[00:04:05]That's not that's you not keeping your own word. So, when you don't keep your own word with yourself, what happens is that is what sets the tone with how you allow others to treat you. When you don't keep your word with yourself, the people around you, the people in your life don't expect that. And that teaches them on how to treat you also. And that's a lot of the reason why you accept excuses from other people or when and people don't keep their word with you, you know, you allow it. and you quickly and always easily forgive and you don't say anything because you don't even keep the word with yourself. So, you have to value yourself by keeping your word, doing little things like if you say you're going to make your bed every morning, make that a priority to do so. If you say you're going to the gym, make it a priority to do so.

[00:04:43]Whatever you put your mind to and say that you want to do, keep the word with your within yourself. Keep your own word. Stand on business with you. So, when it comes to people doing something that you don't like, understand you do not have to be mean, aggressive, and loud. You can simply say I am not okay with that or no, I don't like it. I'm not okay with that.

[00:05:01]I don't agree with that.

[00:05:04]You can be calm. And the thing is, just because a person is loud does not mean they're tough. Does not mean they're strong and bad. Do you hear me? Being loud and aggressive and hostile. No, it's not necessary. You can stand on business by being calm, looking people in the eye, and calmly saying, "I am not okay with that.

[00:05:24]Do you hear me? So, no more letting things slide. Like I said, it doesn't matter how small it is. If you're not okay with that, do not let it slide. No, I'm not okay with that because that is teaching people on how to treat you. You teach people how to treat you by no longer allowing things to slide.

[00:05:39]>> Some people will play with you because they feel like they can. And what you got to learn is you got to learn how to not allow people to play with you because you got to learn how to set the boundaries and set the standards early.

[00:05:51]See, a lot of times people feel like you got to have expectations early on, and it don't even be the case. You ain't got to have no expectations for nobody.

[00:05:59]Allow people to show you who they are and then move from that point forward.

[00:06:02]One thing I had to learn was that part right there. I can't put no expectations on nobody who don't even have expectations of themselves. That's number one. Number two, I allow people and give people an equal opportunity to show me who they are. And then I categorize you based off of that. Once I categorize you, there's no coming out of that because you've already shown me who you are. And one thing I had to learn is once a person show you the first time who they are, believe them. Put them where they belong. And sometimes where they belong is out of your life. You ain't always got to explain. You're categorizing. Okay? You got to realize the more you explain why you place people in categories, you will start to question who you are. Let people show you who they are. And however they make you feel in that moment, categorize them and put them in the place where they need to be. Even if that means that they don't belong in your life and you got to put them out of your life. Okay? All right. Don't get mad. Distance yourself because you know their defense will be just as draining as the original action that was violated in the first place.

[00:07:06]You would much rather walk away than be manipulated by an apology that doesn't come. We've changed behavior.

[00:07:16]>> Have you ever felt guilty for saying no?

[00:07:19]Here's the truth. Every time you say yes to something that drains you, you're saying no to your own peace. Setting boundaries isn't being rude, selfish, or difficult. It's teaching people how to treat you. And if someone gets upset when you set a boundary, that says more about them than it does about you. Your boundaries have to be stronger than your empathy. I'm going to say that again.

[00:07:44]Your boundaries have to be stronger than your empathy. And I know that sounds cold. I know it does. But hear me out.

[00:07:51]Because some of us are so full of love, so full of understanding. We keep letting people cross lines that we swore we would never let them cross again and feel their pain and we make it our problem. We see their struggle and we sacrifice our peace over and over again and we call it love. But is it or is it a mindset that's con that you convince yourself that your worth is tied to how much you give a fear of losing someone who was never really there protecting you anyway?

[00:08:25]That's not love. That's a pattern. It's a mindset pattern that can be broken.

[00:08:32]Empathy without boundaries isn't kindness. It is self-abandonment dressed up in a cape. You can understand someone's story and still not allow it become your burden. You can love someone deeply and still say this is how far we go. That's not cold. That's not cruel.

[00:08:52]That's a mindset shift that will change your life. That is finally you deciding your peace deserves the same protection that you've been giving everybody else.

[00:09:03]So tell me in the comments, have you ever lost your peace because you were allowing people to cross boundaries?

[00:09:11]Just because empathy is your gift, don't let it become the thing that keeps you stuck.

[00:09:17]Protect your energy like your life depends on it because honestly it does.

[00:09:23]love you. Sweet, bubbly women don't have a weakness problem. They have a access problem. Too accessible, too available, too forgiving, too worried about being liked by other people. The moment you stop overextending, people who are comfortable with that old version of you will swear you've become mean, stuck up, cold, or different. No, you just stop volunteering yourself for mistreatment.

[00:09:51]The goal is not to become nasty. The goal is to become solid. Solid women say less. They explain less. They observe more. They pause before responding. They stop overaccommodating.

[00:10:06]They stop laughing after disrespect.

[00:10:09]It's not funny. They stop giving endless chances. And they stop trying to prove that they're nice. The energy that people call a lot of times is just a woman who's no longer abandoning herself to keep others comfortable. The biggest boundary you could ever set is silence. When you snatch your energy back when you revoke access, baby, that silence gets loud. Some people don't respect your words and they don't listen when you explain yourself. Some people only understand your absence. And that's exactly how you take your power back. No more begging to be understood. No more giving people unlimited access to you, especially while they mishandle you.

[00:10:56]They may not value your words, but I promise you, they feel that shift when you snatch your power back. One thing you going to learn about being a recovering people pleaser is that the easiest part is setting the boundary.

[00:11:09]The hardest part is keeping that boundary even when they do nice things for you. It's understanding that good people can also be bad for you and that people that are bad for you can also do good things for you. I think it's very easy to let your guilt eat you up. I mean guilt is the reason why most people become people pleasers in the first place. But guilt can eat you up in a way where you want to forgive. You want to connect to the people that you know you aren't aligned with, you know aren't really good for you. And after a while of maintaining your boundary, you'll even start to question yourself. You'll start to question your own heart, your own goodness, if I'm being too mean, if I'm being too evil, having this boundary with this person. But the most important thing for you to remember is that you came into the situation, the relationship, the job, the event, the opportunity, whatever it is, you came into the situation with a pure heart and an open mind. You have to remind yourself of who you are and how you naturally operate. Because upholding a boundary isn't easy. Well, not for everybody. For some people it is, but if you're recovering from people pleasing, that initial stage of really standing firm on your boundaries, it's going to feel like, am I being too, am I doing too much? Am I am I? You came into the situation with good intention and that person ruined that. And that's not to say the person is the most evil, the most no. People that aren't good for you can also do good things. Give you gifts, cook you a meal, take you shopping, speak highly about you. Like alignment isn't about personal feelings.

[00:13:04]It's about what you know. It's about your gut feeling. It's about following that intuition.

[00:13:10]Uh this is a reminder that you don't need to explain every boundary for it to deserve respect.

[00:13:19]Stop doing that. The people that set boundaries and keep them run the strictest of programs. If you sneeze too hard, you might end up on the block list. They love themselves and really don't play about themselves. So, when it comes to their boundaries, those are the rules that you need to follow in order to keep access to them. Violation of these boundaries could get you left and on the block list with everybody else they don't talk to. So, tread at your own discretion. They do not tolerate weirdness, jealousy, envy, disloyalty, or somebody trying to be disrespectful or trying to play in their face.

[00:13:49]anything of that nature, they take it as disrespect and they don't take disrespect lightly, especially if they were genuine and sincere towards you.

[00:13:56]The moment they smell disrespect or any of those weird vibes, you're a goner.

[00:13:59]And once they cut somebody off, there is no renewal or bridging the gap or finding their way back. Ain't no takeback because they understand if you allow people to play in your face, they will literally think it's a free-for-all and do any and everything to you.

[00:14:12]Whatever you will allow will get done.

[00:14:14]You are valuable. It's no way you going to allow people to treat you any and every kind of way. And that's why you set boundaries. You stick to them and wait for people to get themselves cut off. Cuz people true colors will show every single time.

[00:14:27]>> The more you heal, the meaner you get.

[00:14:29]And it shows up in ways you don't expect. First, you stop explaining yourself. You stop cushioning your boundaries so that everybody else feels okay. You're not saying yes because you feel bad. You're saying yes because you actually mean it. And you're not trying to be liked or chosen or approved of.

[00:14:45]You're just choosing you. And the people who were really comfortable with that old version of you, they're the ones who will say that you've changed. Next, your energy gets really clear, really clean.

[00:14:55]It's not cold or distant. You're just not forcing things that previously drained you, and you're not chasing conversations that don't go anywhere.

[00:15:03]You don't need a big ending or explanation. You can just quietly step back because at some point, you realize that your peace is more important than staying somehow connected to the wrong things. So yeah, maybe it looks like you've gotten a little harsher or maybe even a little meaner, but really you just stopped abandoning yourself.

[00:15:20]>> So on my weekly drives, I like to sit with no music and meditate. And I always have, you know, give time to myself to do my thinking. And I have learned over the years in every situation or relationship or friendship I've been in, you have to go in there with your own boundaries. You have to let me know the door. This is how I want to be treated.

[00:15:39]Some people are so willing to lose themselves that they forget to tell people like, "Hey, I'm not settling with how you treated a person previously before me has nothing to do with me. I want to be treated." And they will listen. You can turn somebody that's so rough into such a sweetheart because you go in there letting them know like I'm not going to be accepted. I'm not going to be treated any other way but the way that I want to. And I, first of all, I don't like mean people. Like, you have to be a sweetheart and a teddy bear. So, I've turned somebody that was rough into somebody that's sweet because I let them know like, "Hey, this is what I want."

[00:16:17]Like, you have to treat me this way. And they listen, they communicate. So, in anything you do, don't settle for nothing less than how you want. I want good morning text. I want I love you. I I like I want you to be obsessed with me. And that sets the tone. Like I used to be such a tough person like you know because you know situations make you all tough and stuff but some people brings out the soft side and secure side and make you feel protected and that's how any woman or man should feel like you should feel so loved and so protected and that that just gives you the comfort that you need. So never forget yourself like no matter what it is life is too short to settle for nothing less than what you want. It don't have to be materialistic. It's the little things of how was your day? Like, baby, I love you, baby, I'm thinking about you. Like, stuff like that is very important in relationships. And don't ever sell yourself short. So, remember this, protecting your peace is not something you should apologize for.

[00:17:22]The right people will respect your boundaries, and the wrong people will reveal themselves when you set them. If this message spoke to you, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs it, and remember, you deserve peace, respect, and healthy relationships.