When an Avoidant and You Both Stop Contacting Each Other

Added: 2026-05-30

[00:00:00]Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and I am also a doctoral student of psychology. Today I'm talking about when an avoidant and you both stop contacting each other. If you want specific help regarding your situation, you can book a call with me. That's pinned in the comments. Or if it's better or easier for your means, you can email me. That's also pinned in the comments. The email service, only I read it so you can be as detailed as you want. But also booking the consultation, you can be as detailed as you want to. I actually encourage you to write as much as you can because it will allow me to read that and give you the most of my time during our session so you don't have to explain the background too much.

[00:00:40]It's a very good way for both of us to get on the same page prior to the session. So, what happens when both you and an avoidant stop contacting each other? What I want to do is I want to break it up into two sections. First will be what happens with the avoidant.

[00:00:54]We're going to go step by step.

[00:00:57]And then we're going to talk about for you, especially if you are more anxious.

[00:01:00]However, it will also work for secure or fearful leaning anxious.

[00:01:05]It may even be fearful leaning avoidant. No, not really. The first one is the avoidant person. It's going to be dismissive or fearful leaning avoidant, okay? So, avoidant individuals tend to value independence and emotional distance as a form of self-protection.

[00:01:22]So, what happens when contact stops, okay?

[00:01:26]So, the first stage is actually they go under initial relief. They may feel a sense of relief or calm because the pressure of emotional closeness is no longer there. In fact, it is removed. You are removed. And so they do have calm, but it's not about you or them, okay? The calm is in relief is due to them being away from their trigger.

[00:01:49]The tricky part about this situation is the trigger is also the person they love.

[00:01:55]Right? Most people, if they're triggered by something is something they don't like. I, for example, I'm triggered by intense emotions and I've gotten so much better. But when I mean like I don't like when people Like now, before it was my uh Like I was more sensitive to a lot of emotions because I didn't I don't have that much of a range just because I was raised to not show much emotions, but now it's like a lot of intense emotions that I'm not sure where it's coming from. Like let's say a random is getting into an argument and I'm not I'm not part of it and they're just kind of taking out on me because me and my friend are like sitting there. That is odd. That makes me uncomfortable, right?

[00:02:38]But that's not something I would want I would never I don't try to put myself in situations where that will happen. So, that's an avoiding of a trigger that you don't want to be with ever, right? But when you are avoiding and I used to be, what you can feel is you are triggered by the very person that you love the most. And so, the initial relief does not last. What happens next is denial because you're starting to realize what I just said, right? The trigger is the person you love the most. And you want to deny it or you rationalize it. And so, they often tell themselves the disconnect is for the best. We wouldn't have lasted. We won't you know, we wouldn't have made it work anyways.

[00:03:17]We're not compatible.

[00:03:19]Bargaining. They are telling themselves denial. But that's not really the reality because the third stage that starts happening right after this is actually this delay of emotions, okay? This can take a while to show up and I'll be honest about that.

[00:03:41]I It's really hard to say the timeline of this one because it really can take sometimes it can take 3 months, sometimes it can take 2 weeks, sometimes it It take a year.

[00:03:52]Often times, especially if the bond was meaningful, they might start to feel nostalgia, loneliness, but especially regret.

[00:04:00]However, they're unlikely to act on these feelings immediately.

[00:04:04]Maybe not at all, as re-engaging feels risky and vulnerable, but usually the stage after this is when they try to connect, okay? Reconnection can look different for everybody.

[00:04:17]But the longer they stay in this stage, sometimes the more obvious it gets.

[00:04:22]So, reconnection is the last stage for the avoidant person, okay?

[00:04:26]For some cases, even like after enough emotional distance, they start reaching out when they feel safe again or when they start missing you.

[00:04:35]Sometimes they reach out by just like looking They They go slow.

[00:04:40]Like I've had When I've had calls with you guys, like I just had a call recently. Um of course, I'm not going to give the details, but a lot of you guys will share where it's like you can tell they're coming back cuz like they're looking at your stories more or they're sending you more stuff. And you guys Some of you guys are like in this cycle for years where you're like, "Yeah, I already know. I already know she's going to come back or I already know the way he is. He always does this." And it's interesting cuz cuz some of you guys are actually really well-versed with some of these things and you're able to tell me, "Yeah, I know when he starts doing this, I know he's coming back. It's just a matter of time." And then you're telling me, "But is this really what I want?" And then we're processing that cuz that's something we can work on, too. Do you really want to do this cuz you already know he's coming back or she's coming back. It's just Is this what you want? And a lot of these cases are like social media connecting or sometimes you're hearing from friends that they're talking about you, things like that. And the reality is eventually they do reach out and initiate.

[00:05:37]Sometimes it takes a while. So, this is for the avoidant person, but what about the other person? This one is interesting cuz it's almost exactly the opposite. When people say avoidant and anxious people are opposites, I don't think they realize how like interesting it really is. Fundamentally there is, but I think, you know, that's that's kind of the beauty of it. These relationships can work. It can also be if you're secure or fearful leaning anxious or, you know, it doesn't matter.

[00:06:01]I'm just saying for this specific case, that's what I'm seeing. So, the first one is actually initial distress, okay?

[00:06:07]The silence can be very unbearable. If you're an anxious person, your nervous system may interpret this as rejection and abandonment. If you're fearful avoidant, you might Your nervous system might interpret this as, "I knew it.

[00:06:17]Relationships are bad. Why did I even try? I don't deserve love. Love is just stupid. Anyone who believes in love is a fool." You might start feeling these ways, okay? And so, that's that initial distress. Your original wound is being triggered.

[00:06:32]Because that's what's happening with you. Remember the avoidant, their wound is now gone, their trigger. And so, they're actually really relieved. You're really distressed.

[00:06:40]But, the next stage is starting slowly getting closer to acceptance. The next one actually feels more of a surplus, but then it dims down, and I'll explain it.

[00:06:51]Rumination. You might replay interactions. You wonder what you did wrong and how can you fix things. A lot of people in this case, they assign responsibility on themselves.

[00:07:02]I can understand that, but let's not always do that. I want you to also focus on what they could have done, the fact that maybe this relationship just ended the way it did. If you want to reach out, you absolutely can. A lot of times these relationships work when you reach out, and then you guys want to try again because the distance can show you guys and teach you guys that maybe it's worth better to being together. It's up to you. But, you play those interactions.

[00:07:24]But, the next stage is interesting. This is very interesting. This is almost every case I've had with the situation, this stage is just they never even know that it's going to happen to them. I can tell you this, and you guys are going to think, "No, I don't feel like I'll ever get over them."

[00:07:39]Every one of you have this, okay? With time and self-soothing, you start to this you start to see the dynamic more clearly and you rebuild emotional stability. You start thinking, "Maybe this isn't what I want."

[00:07:51]"Maybe I can get better or maybe I'm just okay with being alone right now."

[00:07:55]And then the last stage is growth opportunity. The period of being separated led to more self-awareness, stronger boundaries, and you use it to focus on yourself. So, what's interesting is right when you're You see how the stages go? Four stages for you, four stages for them, but the timing is in such a way where right when you're ready to move on, that's when they're like, "Oh, I miss you." So, the cycle continues, but how you can stop this is if they do reach out, you go slow. Do not jump in. Slow. And expect some change. Don't have a conversation right away for some of the issues, but do introduce it at some point. I will make more videos on that, like what to do when they reach out. I've made some, but I need to update it and make more for you guys. I will. But, this is a good start, okay? So, I hope this video is helpful. I'll see you in the next one.