She Married a Drug Dealer in Vegas While Running From Cops | Cocaine, a Federal Raid & Getting Sober

Added: 2026-05-15

[00:00:00]That's all I remember is like, "Get the down." Gun pointed right at us. And at that moment, I just like froze and I dropped and like so much adrenaline that you're almost sober at that point.

[00:00:15]>> Well, you shared some bits and pieces of your story. You do have an interesting story and I definitely want to touch on it.

[00:00:23]>> So, you are originally from Chicago, >> a small tiny farm town outside of Chicago, but you'd never >> Okay. you wouldn't even know what it was, but so I just say Chicago.

[00:00:32]>> Okay. Yeah.

[00:00:32]>> How was your upbringing?

[00:00:35]>> That's It was rough. Um, so small farm town. I don't even think we had a stoplight in the town that I grew up in.

[00:00:43]Um, and my mom's from New York City. My dad is from up there. They met through my aunt who was like a truck driver. So my mom was like city girl, went to the middle of nowhere cornfields and decided to have me in the middle of the cornfields.

[00:00:58]So there wasn't much going on or to do.

[00:01:01]So you basically went to the bar and you partied or you got out of the city or the little town and you did something with your life. So um my parents um partied a lot when we were kids. A lot of uh you know domestic abuse, a lot of traumatizing experiences unfortunately.

[00:01:22]Um, and that really that didn't set me up for a good start in life because when you see like abuse and and drinking and what I can assume at that age, I didn't know, but probably some drugs, you that becomes normal, right? Um, you're like, "Oh, everybody's family like chases each other around the house with knives and cops are called all the time, right?" Like that's that's normal, right? Um, so that's kind of that's the upbringing. It was it was it was definitely traumatic. Um but I mean I I grew up and I left and I realized like oh that's not how life actually is.

[00:02:03]>> So um when I became, you know, older at age 12 is when I had my first drink.

[00:02:13]>> What was that like?

[00:02:14]>> It was so [laughter] funny actually. So, I was with a childhood best friend and my mom had like some wine coolers. I think it was like the Bikardi wine coolers and my father had um Southern Comfort and I was like, "Oh, he always drinks like Southern Comfort and Mountain Dew." So, we like made a glass like while they were sleeping. We we took a wine cooler. We took a cigarette.

[00:02:35]We thought we were like the coolest kids on the block. And we went outside and we chugged everything and we smoked a cigarette real quick and we like my friend's like, "Let me throw it because you suck at throwing." So, you're going to like [laughter] the glass is going to explode and they're they're going to catch us. And I was like, "No, I got this." She was right. Like I threw it and I definitely didn't throw it hard enough and it smashed in the middle of the road and then we just like froze. No one woke up.

[00:03:01]So that's what started it cuz I was like, "Oh, this is like fun. This is exciting. This is exhilarating."

[00:03:05]>> Yeah.

[00:03:06]>> And that's kind of where the party girl Courtney started.

[00:03:10]>> Had arrived.

[00:03:10]>> Yeah.

[00:03:11]>> Okay. So, what was high school like?

[00:03:14]Um, [sighs and gasps] some things I block out, but uh um high school I I was a partyier. I actually like 8th grade I moved to a bigger town, so it was more diverse. Um there was a lot more to do and I really didn't like fit in any group. So, I kind of found like the party kids and it was like, it's disgusting you think about it now, but it was like 19, 20 yearear-olds hanging out with like 14, 50-year-old kids, like partying and or even over 21 buying us alcohol, like smoking cigarettes and smoking weed and just being like complete degenerates. So, it was like every weekend we were at a house party, throwing a house party, um staying up. I didn't touch like cocaine or anything at that point in my life. Um I didn't touch like any other really I guess drugs like I smoked weed. Um maybe some pills but I I was never into like downers. I didn't like Xanax. I didn't like Oxy. I think I threw up on it and I was like that I'm never touching that again.

[00:04:19][clears throat] But when I started being introduced to like cocaine and Adderall, I was like oh this is where it's at.

[00:04:25]Like this is a fun time.

[00:04:27]>> What age was that? the cocaine aderall days.

[00:04:31]>> Aderal was younger. I I don't know for sure what age. I would say cocaine was cocaine was actually not until my 20s.

[00:04:38]>> Um but in high school and in college, huge party through, you know, threw parties. Um complete degenerate. And then I moved to South Florida in my 20s.

[00:04:51]I started working in hospitality, like bartending, all of that. with that culture if you're not careful comes like not a great path. You you drink every single night. You're around alcohol, you drink it. And that's kind of where coming to South Florida is where the kind of cocaine got introduced.

[00:05:10]>> When I left South Florida, went to Nashville in my early 20s, I think 22, that's when it really got bad. Like every single day.

[00:05:18]>> Where's the coke better? Nashville or South Florida?

[00:05:21]>> I don't even think I cared. [laughter] I I Yeah. I don't even think I cared. I think probably I don't Nashville, honestly. Yeah.

[00:05:30]>> Okay. So, you're in Nashville. What did you go to Nashville for?

[00:05:33]>> Um I had no reason. I was There was no reason to go to Nashville. So, basically, I woke up one day and I said, "What the hell am I doing in my life?

[00:05:43]>> You know, I'm working at a restaurant.

[00:05:45]I'm hanging out with the same people. We drink till 3:00 a.m. We get up and go to work. We do the same thing every day.

[00:05:50]All we're doing is partying. there's nothing to party about. And I was like, I need something new.

[00:05:55]>> And that's very much my personality, like make a decision quick, like on the whim. Let's go.

[00:05:59]>> Impulsive.

[00:06:00]>> Very impulsive. And I was like, oh, this is self-growth. Like, look at me. I'm And meanwhile, it's just just reckless decisions.

[00:06:07]>> Yeah.

[00:06:08]>> So, I called my friend who had recently gotten a divorce and and that's another story we'll have to talk about because that was a crazy one.

[00:06:15]But, um, we hadn't talked for a while because of her husband tried to kill me.

[00:06:19]And [laughter] so we started like her sister had reached out and was like, "She really misses you. She would love to talk to you again." So I call her and I was like, "What are you doing?" And she's like, "My husband just left me. He moved to Colorado. Like I need I I I miss you.

[00:06:34]I we were like best friends, like soul sisters."

[00:06:37]>> And I was like, "Okay, I'm going to pick you up. Let's go to Nashville." We go to Nashville and I partied on all weekend on Broadway. And I was like, "This is the best time of my life." So, I quit my I guess I went back. I I don't remember the exact timeline, but I went back, quit my job, moved out there, got a job, got a place, or I got a job, got a place that weekend, came back to Florida, packed up my little mini coupe, and headed out to Nashville >> and the rest was history in Nashville.

[00:07:03]But wait, I need to hear that story. So, okay, let's set the stage. You have a best friend. She's married. Husband, go ahead.

[00:07:14]>> Okay. Yes. So, back to high school. She was like my best friend, partier as well. Um, she goes to the army, gets married, comes back, and I'm like, "Where have you been my whole life?"

[00:07:27]Like, we were like, "For real soul sisters, >> like the ones that you can like die laughing, like nothing um nothing's off the table, right?"

[00:07:35]>> So, she comes back. We're back in in Sterling, Illinois. Um, a lot of my timeline I think I blocked out, so some of it I kind of forget. Um, so basically we're like, "Let's go like I want to go back to school." We were like 19, 18.

[00:07:50]She's like, "Me, too. Let's move to Bloomington or a big college town in like southern Illinois or the middle."

[00:07:57]So, we go there. I get an apartment like at the college. Her and her husband get in a get a house like outside, but still close enough. And so, we're partying again every weekend. Their marriage was already on the rocks, right? It's like the army marriages. I'm sorry. Nothing against it, but they usually don't really last, especially when you get And she was like kind of on the outs and I was dating this horrible man. Horrible narcissistic. I'm pretty sure schizophrenic dude. Horrible. Horrible.

[00:08:26]Horrible. So, he's with me. We all go out. The boys go one way. The girls go another way. Me and her. So, we're at this bar. She's like talking to this guy and getting like way too close. And I was like, "Oh, I didn't say anything."

[00:08:41]Like, "That's my girl. You know, I I'm ride or die till the end." Like, you know, go do your thing, girl. Um, within reason, right? So, we're sitting there.

[00:08:50]This guy, we're drunk. This guy has his his arm around my friend. We're just going to call her G. He has his arm around G. The guy that I was dating, I'm not even kidding. Out of nowhere, I just see this arm fly. Grab the guy that's has the arm around G. Bring him to the floor. The next thing I know, he's dragging this guy out to the middle of the road and the all this this guy's friends are coming. He knocks him out. I think the guy's [ __ ] dead. Like in the middle. I was like, "Oh my god, we got to run. We got to get away." We jump in my car. Like I'm the getaway driver.

[00:09:25]Me, G, and this guy. And he's like, "Go, go, go. We got to [ __ ] go." These two guys are like laid out in the middle of the street. Everyone's like calling cops. I'm like out of there. I ended up like backing into a car, like [ __ ] getting in an accident. I said, "Fuck it. I don't care. We got to go." We go back to the house. The guy I was with um was like telling her husband at the time like she's a hoe. And just a huge fight had started and I was put into the middle of it. The next thing I know, this this her husband, I guess, wasn't used to drinking or doesn't handle alcohol well, [ __ ] grabs a gun. We're all fighting. and he like was like, "Get the [ __ ] down." That's all I remember is like, "Get the [ __ ] down." Gun pointed right at us. And at that moment, I just like froze and I dropped and like so much adrenaline that you're almost sober at that point. So, I was like, "What do I do? What do I do? I need to start running." So, I start trying to like weasle my way out of the door to like get out of there. And then the guy that I was dating like pulled some Jackie Chan [ __ ] on this man and like got the gun and dropped the clip. So thankfully somehow I've never se I'm telling you this guy was insane. But drop the clip so that no one was hurt because I if he wasn't there I honestly don't know what would have happened that night.

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[00:11:48]>> This guy was a good fighter you were dating.

[00:11:50]>> Yeah. Oh, yeah. He >> he knocked out two dudes. Yeah.

[00:11:53]>> And then he pulled the Jackie Chan [ __ ] Got the gun.

[00:11:56]>> Dropped the clip while the gun was still in the man's hand. Wow.

[00:11:59]>> I had never seen nothing like that. But >> that man was nuts.

[00:12:03]>> Wow. Where is he alive today?

[00:12:05]>> He's alive. He actually still tries to like hit me up on >> Facebook and Instagram like, "Hey girl, how you been?" It's like, "Stay the [laughter] [ __ ] You're a demon."

[00:12:13]>> He had it. As soon as you got the divorce, he had the alerts on.

[00:12:17]>> I don't even I don't know. Yeah, he tried to hit me up for a while. He was a this.

[00:12:22]>> Wait, quick question though. So, you're in the car with Jackie Chan, your girlfriend. You're driving away from the scene, but then where did the husband come from with the gun?

[00:12:32]>> That's a great question. I don't know.

[00:12:33]He was at home when we had arrived.

[00:12:35]>> Oh, you went back to her house to regroup and he came out with a gun and was like, "Yo, get the [ __ ] on the floor."

[00:12:41]>> Yeah. But I before that had happened, again, it's it's hard cuz I like blacked out certain parts of it. I think the guy I was dating like told him, "Hey, your wife's being a hoe and then he like was so obligerent, [ __ ] up, he went off."

[00:12:55]>> Got it.

[00:12:56]>> Yeah.

[00:12:56]>> Okay. All right. So, let's now fast forward. You're in your 20s. [laughter] You're You're living in Nashville with this girl who got away from that guy.

[00:13:05]>> Yeah.

[00:13:06]>> Go ahead. What was that like? Just insane. Pure insanity in Nashville.

[00:13:09]>> It was It was insanity. It was um if I if I didn't go down the route I did in Nashville, I loved it. Like when I first went there, I felt like, "Wow, I finally feel at home." I just remember like driving in the city and seeing like the skyline as we're driving over the bridge and like listening to one of my favorite songs, Mr. Jones. And it just felt like like so much bliss and like natural like ecstasy.

[00:13:33]>> Yeah.

[00:13:33]>> And I was like, "Wow, I'm like really supposed to be here." So it was so much fun. and I worked in the bar industry and hospitality bartended. So all of us were like in our 20s. So it's just like all of us coming together having a good time. But what had happened is a good time became you needing cocaine, right?

[00:13:56]So that's when I started doing it probably almost nearly every single day.

[00:14:01]Um because you work 12 hours, you're hustling, you're like [ __ ] I'm making like $500,000 a day. like let's we we're going to work doubles and doubles and doubles. It's tourist city. So to do that, you know, you you work 12 hours, you go you go out um at night, but then you need the energy to get up in the morning. So what do you do?

[00:14:23]>> Cocaine.

[00:14:24]>> Mhm.

[00:14:24]>> Yeah. So that was an everyday thing. It was it what started out as um you know like a couple times or on the weekends to like really have a good time >> did turn into every day. It was like either aderall or cocaine >> sometimes turned into crushed up aderall and cocaine at the same time just to just to get through your day.

[00:14:47]>> Yeah.

[00:14:49]>> Um the same girl actually uh lit the one from the crazy husband G.

[00:14:54]Yeah. We'll call her G. She within like two months or three months of us being there gets pulled over for a DUI.

[00:15:04]>> Yeah.

[00:15:04]>> And Yeah. Okay.

[00:15:06]>> Yeah. So, she wasn't dabbling in it as much as I was. Like, she was there, but she had to get randomized drug tests all the time. So, >> she was in the system at that point.

[00:15:16]Yeah.

[00:15:16]>> Mhm.

[00:15:17]>> Okay. How long do you guys make it in Nashville?

[00:15:21]>> Two years.

[00:15:21]>> And then do you move back to South Florida? Well, move back because unfortunately G and I had a huge falling out.

[00:15:29]>> Another one?

[00:15:29]>> Oh, another [ __ ] falling out.

[00:15:31]>> Are you guys friends today?

[00:15:32]>> No.

[00:15:33]>> H I'm sorry.

[00:15:34]>> Yeah.

[00:15:34]>> Okay, so you and G have a falling out.

[00:15:36]>> Huge falling out. Yeah.

[00:15:38]>> Anything juicy?

[00:15:40][laughter] >> I mean I mean it's kind of sad because like you when you have like a friend and you think like this person like that's your person in like a platonic manner, right? Like that is my soul sister. no matter what, I'll be there for her. And it turns out to be like they secretly hated you the whole time.

[00:15:57]>> That's That really stung.

[00:15:59]>> Envious.

[00:16:00]>> Yeah. It was like when we would go out, she's like, "Oh my gosh, you're so confident and everyone loves you and everyone wants to be around you."

[00:16:07]Meanwhile, she didn't know. Like I was the most insecure [ __ ] person ever.

[00:16:11]Like I just used, >> you know, alcohol made me feel confident, made me feel better. Like I I'm always talkative. I'm very extroverted, but it just made me more of that. And so to my face, she'd be like, "Wow, I just wish I was more like you.

[00:16:22]Like you're, you know, I want to be more confident and all this stuff." But then she would go tell people like, "She's such an attention-seeking [ __ ] Like she always needs the spotlight." And it, for me, it was never about that. I was just, you know, being who I thought >> Yeah.

[00:16:37]>> I was. So I'm sorry to hear that.

[00:16:39]>> Yeah.

[00:16:40]>> Okay. So you move back to South Florida.

[00:16:41]You don't meet the husband yet, right?

[00:16:42]You haven't met him yet.

[00:16:45]>> No, I'm only two months here and I and I meet him.

[00:16:48]>> All right. So, two years in Nashville, you moved back to South Florida. Two months in. Go ahead.

[00:16:54]>> Yeah. So, well, we'll talk about moving to from South Florida. So, again, terrible man dating another terrible guy. Um, big partyier in a cocaine. I was like, let's go back to South Florida. Like, come with me. So, we had traveled um I did traveling bartending for a little bit. Worked at uh in Austin at a festival. Um either way. And then we had ton of drugs, ton of fights, whatever. We road tripped our way back to South Florida. He was here for 3 weeks staying with me in South Florida before again cops had to remove him from the house. Like pulled a machete out, started going crazy. I I at this time in my life, some crazy ass guys.

[00:17:35]>> Oo.

[00:17:36]>> Yeah. Okay. Again, cocaine, >> drinking.

[00:17:41]It was a moon fest. Moonfest. when that was still a thing.

[00:17:44]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:17:45]>> Um that night we had done I don't even know what we got. And >> you go multiple days.

[00:17:51]>> Yeah.

[00:17:51]>> During that time. Yeah.

[00:17:53]>> Yeah. And then that night this it was actually funny. I I ended up in the ER that night of Moonfest because I was walking. This girl kept like stepping on my heels and I said, "What the [ __ ] your problem?" Turn around. She decks me in the face. Breaks my eye open.

[00:18:10]>> Oh my god.

[00:18:12]>> Yeah. And you end up in the hospital.

[00:18:13][laughter] Oh my god. Did you get stitches?

[00:18:16]>> Yeah.

[00:18:16]>> How many?

[00:18:17]>> I don't know.

[00:18:18]>> I think I still have a scar, but Oh, >> okay. So, she punches you in the face.

[00:18:22]You go to the hospital. [snorts] Guy lasts three weeks, he's gone. Now, you got So, five weeks later, you meet your your soon to be ex-husband.

[00:18:32]>> It was something like that. So, I I'm working in the restaurant industry and I was like, "Oh, god." Like, where is everyone getting their [ __ ] supply from? Right. So this guy I was working with was like, "Oh, you got to be in my friend. Like you guys will hit hit it off, right?" And I was like, "Of course we hit it off. He's a [ __ ] drug dealer. Like he's a cocaine dealer." So meet him. He's supplying all the things.

[00:18:55]Um we're partying together, partying hard. He decides randomly, "Let's go to Vegas." And I said, "That sounds like a great idea. Let's let's just go to Vegas." So that night he actually runs from the cops. We hop on a plane, [laughter] land in Vegas. 12 hours later ended up getting married by some lady who looks like a knockoff Pamela Anderson.

[00:19:20]>> Oh, you did the old Vegas wedding.

[00:19:22]>> Yeah, did the old Vegas wedding.

[00:19:24]>> Pause. Why was he on the run from the cops? Just drug dealing.

[00:19:28]>> That's a [ __ ] >> Yeah, that's a great question. Um I guess something was going on. There may have been a undercover detective was coming up to the side of his car. He runs to the store, parks the car, drops the keys. At this point, it's it's a rental. So, I don't know if they're going to go through the hassle of tracing it back to who rented it, even if it was under his name.

[00:19:51]>> Runs to the store, says, "I need a like getaway car." Someone comes, picks him up, >> pack our stuff, head to Vegas.

[00:19:58]>> Okay. So, then do you come back to South Florida after Vegas?

[00:20:02]>> Yeah.

[00:20:02]>> How long were you in Vegas for? Just the weekend.

[00:20:05]>> Oh, okay. He let it die down for the weekend and then came back.

[00:20:08]>> Came back. Now we're married. Now I'm like, [ __ ] what did I do?

[00:20:13]>> What year was this?

[00:20:14]>> It was right as co hit.

[00:20:16]>> Oh, this was this was like six years ago.

[00:20:18]>> Yeah.

[00:20:19]>> Okay.

[00:20:19]>> Yeah.

[00:20:20]>> Okay.

[00:20:20]>> So, I'm like, [ __ ] I'm I'm like, I'm screwed. Like, I'm I'm sure we both were like, what the hell do we just do? This is like a whirlwind.

[00:20:29]So yeah, we get married, co hits, now everyone's laid off, right? Hospitality industry was like the first ind industry to close. So I'm like, [ __ ] now we're really stuck. Now we're just partying.

[00:20:45]Molly, just trying to get through the day. Everyone's trying to figure it out.

[00:20:50]And then I get pregnant.

[00:20:53]And now I'm like, okay, like life's really got to change. And that's when reality sets in. like you married this guy that you barely know. Now you're pregnant. Now what?

[00:21:04]Now what do you do?

[00:21:07]So that marriage was like really rough.

[00:21:11]It was a very very challenging time in my life. Like a lot of um just like verbal and mental abuse. And he was fighting his own demons. And when people are miserable, they want other people to be miserable.

[00:21:26]Um, and his thing that he loved was ketamine.

[00:21:30]>> Yeah.

[00:21:31]>> So my whole pregnancy was like him caided out every [ __ ] day. Like I remember being like five months pregnant trying to pick him off the garage floor because he was like so ced out.

[00:21:44]What town were you guys living in?

[00:21:45]>> West Palm.

[00:21:46]>> Oh, you were in West Palm. Yeah. Okay.

[00:21:49]>> That's tough. That's really tough. No, but it's tough because and I also I mean you're doing great now, but I want to commend you because a lot of people go into pregnancy and don't stop drinking and drugging.

[00:22:02]>> I couldn't imagine that.

[00:22:03]>> There are a lot of people that do that.

[00:22:04]So now you're getting to face addiction right in the face.

[00:22:10]>> Yeah.

[00:22:10]>> With your husband at the time. Now, was he still drug dealing too when he came back from Vegas?

[00:22:16]>> Yeah. So he lived like a very like he lived like a double life, right? He was like a professional, but then in the side like this was how money was really made.

[00:22:27]>> Mhm.

[00:22:28]>> So I would beg him to stop and like beg him to stop hanging out with these people who you know weren't good and like just get out of the life and he was like I'm going to get out of life like don't worry. Um and he didn't but my house was my sanctuary so nobody was allowed there. I didn't want to know what the [ __ ] was going on. I didn't ask questions, nothing. I didn't want to know nothing.

[00:22:49]>> Um, but that I mean that saved me later, which I'll tell you about. So, continues to do it. It's like, you know, our our relationship's horrible, terrible fights. Um, he's ced out all the time and I'm just like, what the hell is what is what is life right now? But and it's through CO, so I'm like barely leaving the house, right?

[00:23:11]Because now I'm pregnant. I'm terrified.

[00:23:13]Um, I don't want to go anywhere. So, I had really had to like sit and like face some demons and like I really went through it.

[00:23:20]>> And then when I had her, what was supposed to be like a really happy time was anything but. It was like the worst the worst delivery experience. I had crazy crazy bad uh postpartum depression um that I didn't even think that I was going to make it out of. And I've been like depressed before. I've been like, you know, when I was a teenager, I was very like suicidal. Um, but never I've never experienced a depths of hell like I did with the postpartum.

[00:23:48]>> And then I remember like I had had her and I was like driving back from the store, doctor's appointment, and this car was following me and I was like, "What the fuck?" So I was like turning random roads and this [ __ ] van was still following me and I was like, "Okay, something's wrong." I'm calling him on the phone and I'm like, "What is happening?" And he's like, "I didn't want to tell you, but I'm pretty sure the cops are on to us or on to me." So, I just act normal. I drive back into my thing. He puts a camera outside.

[00:24:25]You can see that um undercovers, you know, they think they're Sly, but they're really not. You can see them like walking by the house, walking with their dog, trying to see what's going on. my phone started acting really weird and I was like, "Fuck, we're tapped."

[00:24:38]Like I kind of knew it and I think he knew it too. Um, so at one point he was like, "I got to send you back up where my family lives back up north. You got to get out of here." Like I don't know what's going to happen, but I need you.

[00:24:48]Two days later, doors busted in by the DEA.

[00:24:52]>> You're home.

[00:24:53]>> Yeah.

[00:24:53]>> And people come in.

[00:24:55]>> Yeah. Guns [ __ ] blazing. I'm She's maybe My daughter's maybe at this point two months old.

[00:25:05]7 in the morning. Like I was supposed to leave I think like that next day. 7:00 in the morning. You hear this like banging on the door and he was like, "Don't move. I got to go downstairs." I think he already knew what was going on.

[00:25:16]He goes downstairs. I just hear like screaming and shouting and I'm like breastfeeding or I have like a pump on.

[00:25:21]She's right next to me. I just hear like all this commotion. I don't know what to do. So I like stand up with breast pump.

[00:25:27]put the baby down and then next thing you know there's guns in my face. Hands up. Hands up. Hands up. And the guy was like screaming at me like, "What's in your tit?" And I was like, "It's a [ __ ] breast pump."

[00:25:38]>> Holy [ __ ] >> Yeah.

[00:25:39]>> Okay.

[00:25:40]>> So, >> did they handcuff you?

[00:25:42]>> No.

[00:25:43]>> Cuz you had a baby.

[00:25:44]>> Yeah.

[00:25:44]>> Yeah.

[00:25:45]>> So, I'm like in I have like a bra, underwear on. I'm like, I got to get dressed. Like, can I please at least get dressed? And then they sent the female cop to stay with me to like get dressed.

[00:25:55]And it was such a blur because I was I felt like it was a [ __ ] movie.

[00:26:00]>> And I just remember them telling me like, "You are so lucky we didn't bust the windows in this house because they were like we were going to like come down swinging off the sides like like true movie like movie style like SWAT team. Like they they don't give a [ __ ] Like they will they will destroy the whole place."

[00:26:16]>> And um so yeah, so she was two months old, got raided and I just remember like sitting on the couch. They didn't question me. They didn't arrest me. They had followed us for so long they knew like that I really didn't have an involvement in it but they were like um sat up across the condo on the other side like watching every little moment.

[00:26:36]>> Now your husband was arrested.

[00:26:39]>> Mhm.

[00:26:39]>> Just taken away.

[00:26:40]>> Mhm.

[00:26:41]>> Was he given a bond or >> Yes. Yeah. I don't I don't really remember at that point I was so [ __ ] checked out. I was like >> what just happened in my life? I do remember um DCF had to come and they removed me and the do my daughter from the house even though there was like nothing physically in the house like there was no drugs in the house. Um there was something like in the garage and again I was trying to stay so far out of that.

[00:27:08]>> Yeah.

[00:27:08]>> So I don't know where everything was but then I had to leave my home and go live with my sister-in-law for the next couple months because I wasn't >> sister.

[00:27:19]>> Yeah. her his his sister-in-law, his brother's Yeah.

[00:27:22]>> wife. Yeah.

[00:27:23]>> Okay. So, you're living with them. Does he go to jail or >> Okay.

[00:27:28]>> He goes to jail. Um, gets out, has a lawyer. I don't know the specifics of it, but I don't know if it was like a technicality or something [ __ ] up.

[00:27:38]Basically gets to go walk out.

[00:27:42]>> Oh. So he got a really good lawyer that figured something out and >> Yeah, >> he ended up not really getting in too much trouble.

[00:27:49]>> No.

[00:27:50]>> Wow.

[00:27:51]>> Yeah.

[00:27:51]>> Okay. All right. So, does he stop after that?

[00:27:56]>> Yes. From my knowledge, I think so.

[00:27:58]Yeah.

[00:27:59]>> Yeah. We um it was so funny because when the when the raid was happening, we had these sweet, sweet neighbors. They were so cute. Like this Indian couple because from the outside, you would never know what the hell is going on, right? even the fighting like no one knew because everyone everything appeared to be perfect.

[00:28:17]>> So when the cops came, she's like, "No, no, you got the wrong man. You got the wrong man." And then and um she ended up asking me, she says, "What happened?" I was like, "Oh, they were looking for his friend. They thought he was involved. It was a huge misunderstanding." And she's like, "I knew it. I tried to tell the cops." And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, [laughter] this is so embarrassing." [gasps] >> Oh man, I could picture. That's hilarious.

[00:28:41]>> Yeah. So, we we move out of there. We sell that place. Move out.

[00:28:45]>> Okay. You move out. How much longer until you file for divorce?

[00:28:48]>> Um, a year.

[00:28:51]>> Okay. So, it just continued to get worse over the next year.

[00:28:55]>> You're in postpartum.

[00:28:56]>> Oh, yeah.

[00:28:57]>> Um, what was postpartum like?

[00:28:59]>> Oh, god.

[00:29:01]It was like, and I and I can't exaggerate this. I've never been to hell, but I feel like if if if hell's a real place, that was postpartum. Um I think I was like kind of almost on the verge of like psychosis.

[00:29:14]Um I mean, I had a lot of trauma. I had a lot of [ __ ] just happen too, right?

[00:29:19]So, and I'm a new mom. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm living in a place that's not my home.

[00:29:26]Um and I just would cry every single day. And I would I was like trying to run away. I was like, "Where can I go?"

[00:29:34]But I felt bad cuz at the same time like I have this beautiful baby. Like I should be bonding with her. I should be I should be over the moon and and full of so much love and joy. And I felt nothing. Like it was so disheartening to look at your child and almost feel nothing.

[00:29:50]>> And it wasn't her fault, right? Like it it and now I can't even imagine it cuz like that is my baby girl. That is like my mini. I love her more than anything.

[00:29:58]But in that time, like my body was just not able to connect with her and they didn't really talk about postpartum. So I had no idea like what the [ __ ] am I going through and I was too scared to tell anybody. So I went to the doctor and I was like something is really really wrong. And she's like, "Oh, it's the baby blues. It'll pass." And I'm like, "No, like if if I don't get help, like I'm not going to be here anymore."

[00:30:21]So she puts me on like Wellbutrin.

[00:30:23]>> Mhm.

[00:30:24]I didn't realize the side effect of Albutrin was like suicide ideiation or something, whatever it's called. So, I'm now planning my letter to leave and I text or I didn't text. I was talking to my sister-in-law and I was like, "Have you ever thought about planning your own funeral?" And she goes, "You're not okay." And I get emotional.

[00:30:52]>> [snorts] >> Thank you.

[00:30:54]>> So, it's really hard to talk about cuz I didn't know how bad. [snorts] Like, I knew it was bad, but I didn't know like if um if she didn't say that, I wouldn't be here.

[00:31:10]>> Definitely [snorts] wouldn't be here.

[00:31:12]So, that was really really challenging.

[00:31:15]And I remember trying to talk to her like, "Dad, about it." [snorts] And he like just he didn't really he didn't get it maybe but um yeah >> men don't understand it.

[00:31:28]>> No.

[00:31:28]>> And it sucks. I I wish we could.

[00:31:31]>> Yeah.

[00:31:31]>> We we don't understand it. I'm sorry you had to go through that and a lot of women go through postpartum. Um some different variations, right? Some harder than others. But um you know ultimately this whole experience of yours you are using it to let other people know that they're not alone.

[00:31:54]>> Yeah.

[00:31:55]>> And that I mean eventually you go back to sub some substances drinking and whatnot. Um, can you take us through when you So, you filed for the divorce and everything, then you start turning to alcohol again or was that much later?

[00:32:13]That was [sighs and gasps] much later. I think thankfully I didn't turn to substances to cope at that point cuz I was like already so mentally messed up. And then I like once I realized like I'm not okay, I need to get like help or figure it out. I just stopped taking medication. I was like, I'm taking my own health into my hands. And then that started like this whole transformational journey with my own health and mental health. So I didn't even really think about alcohol. And then I was also watching her dad like still not live the way he should be living right now. So [snorts] that turned me off from just everything at that point. And our marriage unfortunately at that point was so toxic and so bad that for some reason I was like even alcohol wouldn't even help me at this point. Um, so when I left, I didn't um start drinking because then I'm also watching like my parents, they're not together anymore, but like they're they're alcoholics.

[00:33:11]>> And I was like, I can't be like that for my daughter at this point. So for 3 years, I didn't I barely left the house >> as I'm going through this divorce.

[00:33:21]>> Yeah. Was it tough mentally?

[00:33:24]>> Oh my gosh. Um, it was so it was it was just such a frustrating time. And if someone's ever been through a divorce with lawyers, like it is how badly can I hurt you? How much can I bring you down? How much money can I squeeze out of you? And it was it was like all the anger that my ex had felt towards me was channeled through this divorce. So in any way he could bring me down, him and his lawyer, they tried.

[00:33:53]And so it was like now I'm trying to raise this child. I'm trying to do the best I can. You're trying to bring me down. Um at one point there was like no contact between him for like a year.

[00:34:03]Like I didn't even know if he was alive except when we got notices from the from the lawyer.

[00:34:08]>> Yeah.

[00:34:09]>> So [snorts] >> Okay. So why don't you now take us through today? Your daughter's five. You do have a decent relationship with her dad, your ex, which I love that.

[00:34:20]>> Yeah. That's that's a happy end. Like that. [laughter] No, seriously, that's so important because the ch I have a very good relationship with my ex-wife.

[00:34:30]>> And it's all about my daughter. It's all about my daughter cuz I don't want to [ __ ] my daughter up. If I sit there and start talking [ __ ] about my ex, I mean, my ex is a nice nice woman. I I have nothing to say about her. But if I wanted to and I start saying that in front of my daughter, she's going to think it's okay for men to treat women like that and she's going to allow that in her next partner.

[00:34:54]>> Yeah.

[00:34:54]>> Or her first partner. [laughter] >> Um when she finds one, that's unacceptable.

[00:35:00]>> If I can suck it up, >> put a smile on my face, talk very nicely, I mean, it's not hard, but it impacts the child and or children. If someone went through a divorce and they have multiple children, people don't realize that. I don't know how you can't realize that.

[00:35:15]>> Yeah, but it's crazy.

[00:35:17]>> That's the truth. Quick break to remind you that if you or a loved one are struggling, you don't have to do it alone. Compassion Behavioral Health offers worldclass mental health and addiction treatment. Give them a call at 844-443-5669 or visit compassionbehavioralhealth.com.

[00:35:36]Help is waiting. Now, back to the episode. I think people ultimately even if they mean it or I don't know if they mean it or not but they become like selfish a lot a lot of parents are selfish right they're like it's more about me and less about the kid even if they don't mean to um so they put their feelings before them but I agree because of growing up in a in a pretty toxic household like it definitely affects you affects look at the partners I chose because of what I thought love was so when I left I was like the reason I left is like she's not going to grow up like this, like she's not. So, it's a it's a good thing that everything happened.

[00:36:14]There's I always try to find like the positivity and the silver lining. After the divorce, he he went downhill for a little bit. We lost contact. Um my daughter and I were doing well, as well as you could given the circumstances and when he kind of reemerged, he completely changed his life. Like 180, totally different person.

[00:36:36]>> Wow.

[00:36:36]>> Yeah. totally like you wouldn't even recognize him. Like honestly looking at him, you wouldn't even recognize him today. But just the person he is, I'm like, are we like what happened? Did you get like abducted and like [laughter] they switch you out? Cuz >> not even the same not even the same person.

[00:36:53]>> I love hearing that.

[00:36:54]>> Yeah.

[00:36:55]>> I'm happy for him.

[00:36:56]>> Yes.

[00:36:56]>> That's amazing.

[00:36:57]>> It is. Thank God.

[00:36:58]>> Yeah. And he I'm sure is a great dad.

[00:37:01]>> Yeah.

[00:37:02]>> To your daughter.

[00:37:03]>> Yeah.

[00:37:03]>> That's amazing. Okay. So, I want to hear about the mental health journey. How did you get to where you're at today? You talked before about back when you were in Nashville, your friend. Oh, she's Courtney's always so confident. And you like, well, I was actually really insecure at the time.

[00:37:22]You were just numbing with substances at the time. Now, you're not on any substances. You walk in here, you're very confident. How did [laughter] you get to that place?

[00:37:30]I think trauma and like building resilience, right? So I think my whole childhood I was very insecure kid. I was like chubby. I was ugly. Like I didn't fit in anywhere and that really like wears and tears on your self-esteem, right? And people just like say mean things really kind of all throughout high school. So people love to party Courtney. So that's kind of why I did what I did. [snorts] um and partied so much. And I don't think the confidence, excuse me, um came really until like my late 20s, early 30s. I'm 32 now, but it took it took a lot. It was like reprogramming my subconscious, like telling myself good things about myself, like knowing that I'm I am worth it. I'm I'm worthy of good friendships. I'm worthy of love. I am worthy of positive experiences. So after I had left and had the postpartum, I went through that whole transformational journey and that was a huge part of it. Um really turning into like my belief system and faith and spirituality really helped shape who I am now. And then on sometimes you just kind of fake it until you truly make it, right?

[00:38:46]>> I actually say that a lot because when I first got sober, I was so miserable. I knew I needed to change my life. I didn't necessarily believe. I like knew.

[00:38:57]>> Yeah.

[00:38:58]>> But like I didn't want to. So when I would go to meetings and I had a sponsor or someone in my support group who had more time than me said, "Hey, would give me a suggestion, I would just go and do it." And I would just continue to do it.

[00:39:11]Still not believing in the program, maybe not believing in sobriety, but the mind follows after a while. If you keep repeating something and you keep faking it, faking it, faking it, you will eventually make it.

[00:39:22]>> The mind follows.

[00:39:23]>> Yeah. I think I mean I'm not I try not to be super woo woo but like everything is energy and like like attracts like.

[00:39:30]What you put out you get back. So when I started realizing hey >> maybe let's not say such terrible things. Maybe stop telling yourself that you hate yourself and that you're ugly and that you're worthless and that you're a piece of [ __ ] Why don't we replace those with I'm worthy. I'm beautiful. Um you know my body like carried a child is is beautiful the way it is. Like when I started saying those, even though I felt so [ __ ] silly and so weird for saying that, you start to actually believe it. And and I think too, like with age comes wisdom and comes confidence. In in my early in my 20s, I was like so insecure, like so insecure that I like felt it deep in my bones and then when I drank, I felt better. Now I'm like, who cares if there's another beautiful woman? Who cares if there's this person? Because I know there's only one me. And I know it sounds like so cliche and but it it's so true. Like no one else is like you. So just lean into that.

[00:40:25]>> I think with life experience in general because I I hit that that point too. I and I've done a lot of work. I've done the therapy trauma therapy.

[00:40:35]>> Uh gone to recovery meetings, gone through the steps and in 12step meetings. But I also think that just over time, once you hit your 30s, you start to just not give a [ __ ] anymore.

[00:40:49]No, but like you start to realize how insignificant certain things are that you were so worried about in your 20s that other people were going to think about you are just insignificant. And it doesn't matter what that person thinks.

[00:41:02]>> It really doesn't.

[00:41:03]>> Mm- >> So, how we know how much you love your daughter?

[00:41:08]>> Yeah. What is the relationship like today with your daughter?

[00:41:12]>> Um, it's so funny because like when I take her back home or to see family and they're like that is literally a bin mini you. Um, it's like I copied and pasted a mini me. So sometimes it's so much fun in the world and then sometimes I feel like I'm actually arguing with myself and then I'll be like where did she get that? And her dad's like have you met you?

[00:41:34]>> Like she got that from you. But one thing I do that I wish was done for me when I was at such an impressionable age of five, right, is I tell her, I'm not even kidding you, like a thousand times a day, how much I love her. I love you.

[00:41:49]You're so beautiful. You're so smart.

[00:41:51]You're so amazing. Like every day I make sure to tell her multiple things that's that's positive about her so she has a self-esteem because I know like when you hate yourself, you do things that are are not good for you.

[00:42:05]>> Yeah. that will compromise >> your well-being. Yeah, 100%.

[00:42:09]>> I try to do that with my daughter as well and we do the affirmations. We do all that. It's funny. At night, we'll do >> five affirmations and then after five she goes, "Can I continue?" I'm like, "Yeah, go ahead." And she's like, "I'm funny. I'm silly. I'm" and she goes off.

[00:42:24]And it's funny. It's cute. But >> wow.

[00:42:27]>> It's important to do that. And um it's it's really funny because I am the biggest [ __ ] pain in the ass. Like off this podcast, I I hold it together in the podcast. I am the biggest pain in the like in a fun way. I love [ __ ] with people all the time. And I will argue with people playfully, not, you know, obnoxiously.

[00:42:52]>> And um or try to prove someone wrong.

[00:42:55]And my daughter does the same thing to me.

[00:42:57]>> [laughter] >> And I'm just like, uh, I don't even need to ask where it comes from. I know where it comes from. And I'm just exhausted.

[00:43:04]>> Yeah.

[00:43:05]>> So, her mom has been away in Finland for I want to say it's going to be 10 days.

[00:43:10]So, we've had this whole stretch together. No, we've we do a week together or but it and she's on spring break, >> so there's no school.

[00:43:19]>> And it has been >> it's been tough.

[00:43:23]>> And you find ways to make it work, though.

[00:43:27]You know, >> I think it's amazing though cuz like our generation, um, I think we've went through like some terrible things. Like our parents, the way they raised us, they did the best they could with the tools that they had. Um, but they [ __ ] a lot of us up from point blank. And I think that our generation, we're realizing that and we're trying to do everything they didn't do for our kids.

[00:43:47]And that's why we are raising like these amazing more conscious kids.

[00:43:52]>> I agree. But also too, on the flip side, I want to say, yeah, my parents, my parents were great parents. They did the best that they could. Your parents good parents. They did [snorts] the best that they could. But I feel like I'm a little more I'm too delicate. As opposed to my parents were just like, "Oh, well, too bad." I'm like, "Oh, you don't like that for dinner? Okay, what else would you like eat?" Like [laughter] just all this crazy [ __ ] But I I actually don't even know if that's a good thing. But I am so scared in some cases that I'm going to [ __ ] my child up. And my parents I felt like didn't feel that way. And they just went through it. They went through the motions and they did what they had to do as parents. And we turned out okay at the end of the day.

[00:44:37]>> At the end of the day, >> we turned out okay.

[00:44:39]>> And I get so worried that I'm going to [ __ ] my child up. I need to stop worrying because >> look at some of the childhoods we've been through and we're okay.

[00:44:49]>> We're okay.

[00:44:49]>> You know, >> maybe need a little like therapy and things to get through it, but yeah. I mean, we're here. We're okay. Um, yeah.

[00:44:57]Yeah, there is like a fine line between like too forgiving, but I think like tough love does come in and like discipline and um regimen, right, is important for childhood. I think if I would have had that, I probably wouldn't have had to go through as hard of a path as I needed to to learn.

[00:45:16]>> Um, but ultimately it made me who I am and like I'm here building some like if you would have told me 5 10 years ago, >> you're going to be running and building a non-alcohol uh nightlife concept. I would have like laughed because alcohol was such a huge part of my identity.

[00:45:32]Like party girl Courtney, they used to call me at one point Snorty.

[00:45:37]Yeah. You're snorting all the coke.

[00:45:39]Every room you went to, everyone's coke was missing.

[00:45:43]>> Yeah. [laughter] >> At the afters. [ __ ] Yeah. Mhm. I know. I We had a you >> growing up.

[00:45:50]>> Yeah.

[00:45:51]>> Um well, Courtney, I want to thank you for coming on.

[00:45:53]>> Thank you so much.

[00:45:54]>> Where can people find you on Instagram?

[00:45:57]Where can they find ERA on Instagram?

[00:45:59]>> So, erub.wpb on Instagram. Um, from there you can sign up like with the newsletters, just kind of stay stay in the know of all things, all events that we have coming up. And April 4th, we have something coming up.

[00:46:14]>> Awesome. I'll try and get there.

[00:46:16]>> Awesome. I hope so.

[00:46:17]>> Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't make the last one.

[00:46:19]>> It's okay.

[00:46:20]>> It's been hectic. Yeah.

[00:46:21]>> A lot of [ __ ] going on >> with the little one and >> life.

[00:46:25]>> Yeah, we'll make it to one.

[00:46:26]>> Yeah, I will.

[00:46:27]>> We'll have another one.

[00:46:28]>> Well, thank you again for coming on.

[00:46:29]>> Thank you so much for having me.

[00:46:31]>> Of course.

[00:46:33]Got to go. I just got to go.