Betrayal, Boundaries & Becoming Her | NOTES TO HER

Added: 2026-05-21

[00:00:00]Okay.

[00:00:02]Okay.

[00:00:03]I can finally say welcome back to my YouTube channel.

[00:00:08]I'm Des Ilan.

[00:00:13]>> [music] >> How you guys doing this natural?

[00:00:16]We're back with the second episode.

[00:00:18]Thank you so much on the love that you showed me on the first episode.

[00:00:22]It was so nice. Like I felt so appreciated and I'm so happy that you guys enjoyed it. Sorry, we're going to talk about a followers, I don't know, supporters, DM.

[00:00:36]I'm not a chit-chat. Obviously, you guys know me for my chit-chat and my online chit-chat advice, suggestion.

[00:00:43]Which is, I think, a little too deep too soon.

[00:00:48]Then I don't even know what I'm going to talk about. We don't even know.

[00:00:51]So, let me read it out loud and then we'll get into it. Uh user said, "Here's here to give some chit-chat suggestions.

[00:01:00]First things first, I love love your content. Thank you. And I think you should talk about healing more. I mean, healing from betrayal, especially how to deal with them after you forgive them.

[00:01:11]And I also think you should talk about more talk more about kindness limits and how to protect yourself from unhealthy people and also some obstacles you face while becoming a better person." It's such a layered conversation. So, I wrote down some points and then we're going to break it down and then we're going to have Betania takeover.

[00:01:34]Okay, [clears throat] so the first point is healing after betrayal, I guess.

[00:01:37]So, the first point that I want to talk about is how forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

[00:01:44]I feel like when we decide to forgive someone, we owe them that same version of ourselves.

[00:01:51]But you don't have to trust someone after that. You can have your guard up either ways. I don't think his irrelevant explanation I'm asking for you though.

[00:01:59]The second point is missing someone who hurt you.

[00:02:02]We tend to miss a version of themselves.

[00:02:05]The person in our head. In our head.

[00:02:06]They're not even that person anymore. Yeah, they're not that person. They're not as high as we made them in our head. Yeah, I'm value you so much and you know then So when you strip them off as everything, they're just shitty person. Excuse me for saying this.

[00:02:29]I didn't struggle so much in my life you know busy.

[00:02:31]Third point, feeling guilty for still being affected after moving on.

[00:02:37]So I usually connect both out to our feelings.

[00:02:43]And then there's some places in the city that I avoid going to because they trigger me. Is that just me?

[00:02:48]>> Yeah.

[00:02:49]But I can't and that I kind of feel defeated. Oh, I thought I moved on and it's feeling a lot which is completely normal. Getting triggered is absolutely normal again.

[00:02:59]Don't feel bad. That's how you heal from it.

[00:03:03]Another point is the fear of becoming cold after being hurt.

[00:03:10]Uh, I was I was having this conversation twice in a row with >> Okay. the same different people but like I know you're seeing this.

[00:03:21]She was supporting me like she understood what I meant. So And so if they were hurt by someone, they tend to make that a character or their personality.

[00:03:33]And then they stay in that victim mindset and then they they become a bad person because of that.

[00:03:43]So when they hurt you, I was literally having this conversation with a friend of mine.

[00:03:51]I don't want people to excuse them because of that hurt, you know? You kind of age well, you have to take accountability and then decide >> Yeah.

[00:04:01]on how you're going to perceive. She told me the story.

[00:04:04]Two siblings, they were raised in this abusive household. Their dad was a alcoholic. He used to beat their mom.

[00:04:16]And now they were asked one question, they answered the same thing.

[00:04:21]One of them Both of them they said I I'm who I am because of my father.

[00:04:26]As soon as I tell you, one of them decided to be the complete opposite in a good way and one of them just stayed the same way. So you have to take responsibility.

[00:04:36]Change.

[00:04:38]Another thing is how betrayal can make you question yourself, not just the other person.

[00:04:45]We want to analyze things for them.

[00:04:54]You're not a psychologist.

[00:04:57]You're not Oh my god, this sounds so mean. You're not God either.

[00:05:02]We're too grown for this.

[00:05:04]Everybody in the back listening to me like Who hurt [laughter] her?

[00:05:11]Okay, second portion.

[00:05:13]Forgiving people but still needing distance.

[00:05:17]So, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. When met you can forgive people, you can decide to let it go.

[00:05:25]Return as preaching.

[00:05:28]>> [laughter] >> Just let it go, but that doesn't mean it has to be the same.

[00:05:34]They don't have to be in your life. They don't have to be in You have to revoke that access to you. Just like that.

[00:05:42]Forgiveness is good for your mental health. Mental health is not good, no.

[00:05:46]Okay.

[00:05:48]You can also aim get that out. aim to You can wish someone well from afar, but that doesn't mean they have to Oh, Metania.

[00:05:56]She's dancing. She's so cute.

[00:05:59]You don't have to keep them in your life.

[00:06:01]They don't have to know though. I feel like they think they have to have that conversation.

[00:06:07]They have to know.

[00:06:09]What do you feel about closure? I don't I I Do you think it's necessary? Girl.

[00:06:16]Okay. Literally, right now. Okay.

[00:06:19]No. You don't believe in closure?

[00:06:22]>> Who knows though?

[00:06:23]Closure is a touchy subject. Mhm. You have to be okay with that.

[00:06:28]Mhm.

[00:06:30]They don't Yeah. That doesn't mean you have to chase them. Mhm.

[00:06:35]What's the problem? No, just let it go.

[00:06:36]If they don't care about you, that's your answer.

[00:06:41]No.

[00:06:43]That's literally an answer. Who do you No closure is closure. [laughter] Literally.

[00:06:50]Okay.

[00:06:53]Uh she another thing, boundaries.

[00:06:56]Boundaries are not revenge. Boundaries stuck up out of them. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad person.

[00:07:03]It's just I don't know. It's natural.

[00:07:05]Setting boundaries, setting your own limits. Wall after being hurt is but I'm natural.

[00:07:12]Another quote for you guys. I can forgive you and still not allow you to have access to me again the way you used to, which is completely fine.

[00:07:26]Third point, kindness.

[00:07:29]What is the difference between kindness and self-abandonment?

[00:07:34]There's a big gap. I don't know.

[00:07:37]We over forgive people to the point where we lose Okay, I don't know. in our life and our completely morals Okay.

[00:07:58]Uh and overly kind people will attract these unhealthy unhealthy people.

[00:08:06]and well-behaved toxic people.

[00:08:10]You just attract them. The more you allow It's fun. Yeah. I can do whatever I want.

[00:08:22]>> Literally. I'm forgiving.

[00:08:28]Oh my goodness. Mhm. You're speaking from experience.

[00:08:32]You are?

[00:08:33]What the hell? They will make you feel like you're the problem.

[00:08:37]Yeah.

[00:08:39]Yeah.

[00:08:44]We'll get into narcissistic people in a different episode, guys.

[00:08:52]Okay, another thing.

[00:08:54]Feeling responsible to fix other people.

[00:09:00]We're too grown at this age.

[00:09:05]I do believe in communication. I love follow confrontation. I'm very confrontational.

[00:09:14]I would rather get it out of the way instead of he resentment build camel back.

[00:09:19]I'll have to talk to you and then if you decide to do it again, it's just a pattern of who you are.

[00:09:27]I'm not fixing you.

[00:09:29]>> [laughter] >> Okay.

[00:09:31]>> [snorts] >> Some people like to confuse your access to entitlement on your show.

[00:09:38]When they're narcissistic, they feel like they deserve that forgiveness or they're entitled. No.

[00:09:49]The first time it happens, I believe in forgiveness. I'm not going to lie.

[00:09:55]Yeah, name while forgiveness, there needs to be I know she'll cut me off if it ever happens again.

[00:10:05]People will abuse the [ __ ] out of that.

[00:10:09]punching bag literally Okay.

[00:10:14]Actually, learning to say no without needing to explain it.

[00:10:22]That doesn't give me comfort. No.

[00:10:25]Don't explain it.

[00:10:27]Question for you.

[00:10:30]>> [laughter] >> At one point, does being understanding start start to become disrespectful to yourself?

[00:10:43]>> [laughter] >> Second time understanding is what?

[00:10:50]As a friendship.

[00:11:04]Thank you.

[00:11:05]This is benefit of the doubt. Oh, and when it does come, it's you're exhausted. The situation is exhausted and then So, the second time is a very great answer.

[00:11:27]Actually, obstacles while becoming a better person. I think we're all struggling a little to become a better person.

[00:11:35]What points can I mention? Different phases allow.

[00:11:40]You outgrow people, your friendships.

[00:11:43]Um you feel lonely during growth.

[00:11:50]Do you really become lonely? Can I feel like Which is a good thing from experience. Mhm.

[00:11:59]Um in the social in the as a group and they get out of social media like Yeah.

[00:12:07]>> [laughter] >> Mhm.

[00:12:11]They stay in a I'm not saying it was toxic again. They say they stay in a toxic environment just because so many they know. Yeah.

[00:12:21]Yeah.

[00:12:28]Doesn't matter. Just leave.

[00:12:30]Cuz people are going to say it regardless. Yeah. Let them talk.

[00:12:36]There you have it.

[00:12:38]Relapsing into old habits.

[00:12:42]Comfort in the sudden anger. We like to visit.

[00:12:46]>> abuse that as well. Oh.

[00:12:48]Even behind closed doors.

[00:12:51]>> [laughter] >> Aha.

[00:12:54]I know I touched somebody.

[00:12:57]It's okay.

[00:13:03]Wanting to heal but still being angry.

[00:13:08]That's my biggest problem.

[00:13:11]It's not out of what that person did to me. It's why am I even in the situation in the first place knowing I know better. That's the basis for us healing but like I'm the phase of anger.

[00:13:24]Guys literally anger a holds me back, but I'm like I can't move past the kind of negative.

[00:13:35]But it's a step. It's a step.

[00:13:38]Becoming more self-aware and noticing toxic patterns everywhere. This could drive you crazy, by the way.

[00:13:47]You can't let it slide anymore. Which is very good.

[00:13:51]Because now you're like selective about people you have around you. In my own corner, you're out.

[00:14:00]>> [snorts] >> The last point that I have is people becoming uncomfortable with your boundaries.

[00:14:05]Everybody likes to advise women to choose themselves, be better, be this, be that. The second that person is and they know that that boundary is also for them, they hate you.

[00:14:20]You're the villain. They despise you.

[00:14:22]Now she's too stuck-up. She's this, she's that.

[00:14:29]So regardless, go for it.

[00:14:35]Another quote. People often celebrate your healing until it changes how available they are you are to them.

[00:14:46]We're going to wrap this up. We have a rapid-fire questions for Betania and me.

[00:14:53]Okay.

[00:14:55]Have you ever forgiven someone, but still couldn't feel safe with them again?

[00:14:59]Definitely.

[00:15:01]Definitely.

[00:15:03]How did you handle it?

[00:15:06]Completely out of their lives?

[00:15:22]You can't let your guard down. They will never be able to prove themselves to you. So it's hell for the both of you guys.

[00:15:31]Leave.

[00:15:32]>> [laughter] >> Do you think kindness can become self-destruction?

[00:15:39]Covers up.

[00:15:41]Self-destruction unit.

[00:15:43]What do you think? Definitely.

[00:15:46]Kindness.

[00:15:53]Yeah, one is it's like Come on.

[00:15:59]Yeah.

[00:16:02]They don't even understand the difference kindness.

[00:16:07]They think you're stupid literally you know.

[00:16:10]Yeah, it can be self-destructing.

[00:16:14]Just know how to protect your heart.

[00:16:20]That person just showed who they really are and how much they don't value what you have. There's nothing you could have done that could have stopped it consciously. You know something.

[00:16:31]What you could do at that time is actually Like a consequence I don't know I don't know you want to so even nature.

[00:16:40]For every Karma I'm not a man.

[00:16:44]There's a consequence whether it's you leaving their life or never having that similar bond again.

[00:16:50]You need to You are hurt.

[00:16:58]Let it sink in. Don't move on to No, no, it's okay.

[00:17:03]We have to be the same.

[00:17:05]Any experience I don't want to linger in that.

[00:17:09]But she really did that to me.

[00:17:11]So I'm like no, it's okay. She apologized. Let's move on. Let's continue.

[00:17:16]Skipping around. No, there is like a yin and yang, come on. It's going to let them think I don't know if I do something wrong.

[00:17:31]I hate that.

[00:17:37]The women usually, I'm not saying all women, they're but I'm forgiving, overly forgiving.

[00:17:43]And then they get abused for that.

[00:17:49]They stay in it.

[00:17:51]Okay, last question. What was the hardest part of becoming a better version of yourself?

[00:17:59]I feel like it's different for everyone cuz knowing you have to change. You have to change.

[00:18:07]Cuz who knows all they're so comfortable on by the situation, so 10 minutes to shine again, we have to change. Mhm.

[00:18:15]Comfort zone shouldn't end there.

[00:18:18]Yeah.

[00:18:21]Yeah. I feel like people need us all is taking the steps. Mhm.

[00:18:25]>> Realizing that you have to change is The first step, yeah.

[00:18:28]>> [clears throat] >> I like that. I like self-awareness, but um true negative no by the way. You need to be self-aware.

[00:18:42]I love people who think Okay.

[00:18:47]Okay, maybe any matter at all.

[00:18:49]Yeah, why?

[00:18:52]Why are we a saint in our like a itchy main character syndrome?

[00:18:58]Blind are going to I can't do no wrong with the negative.

[00:19:02]Feeling like maybe there is a fault on my side and you know, but um you grow sign don't know what I'm saying as an individual.

[00:19:12]And now what I've struggled with but I'm similar to you.

[00:19:20]Actually that so-called build them out of actually just knowing I have it in my mind. I know what's right, what's wrong.

[00:19:40]action They won't meet you where you are.

[00:19:45]You know?

[00:19:50]Yeah.

[00:19:51]People won't meet you where you are.

[00:19:53]That was my biggest struggle. I don't know. I couldn't care less. You won't disturb me in my world.

[00:20:01]I love this quote that's like real luxury is having a regulated nervous system.

[00:20:08]But I'm I used to be so anxious to the point where I couldn't function literally physically.

[00:20:22]Now that I can logically think through things and I can never react that way to anything so that's true.

[00:20:30]I love that my body is in locked in but kind of like this should never affect me. Another thing, being comfortable by yourself to the point where nobody's absence or presence can affect you. But I'm really on a course now by the way.

[00:20:49]You're so solid in who you are as a person that the external world is not going to change you.

[00:20:57]I love beautiful hearts like genuine souls talking to you guys in a person.

[00:21:01]I love that they don't blame the past on to I love when you guys tell me that, by the way, when I open up to them and I'm like, "Oh, this happened." They're like, "Man, you don't You do not look like you've been through all of this."

[00:21:16]Yeah.

[00:21:19]I love that you can choose to create who you are and not depend on that trauma.

[00:21:24]Like, I let it go.

[00:21:32]Everybody has a story that they don't want to speak about.

[00:21:35]But, I love that external things can't affect you. Like, I don't let it affect you.

[00:21:42]Stay solid in who you are. Comfort, no?

[00:21:45]I mean, we're going to be with ourselves until we die at it.

[00:21:48]So, perfect yourself as much as possible to the point where betrayal is just like another day for you.

[00:21:55]Expect it, no? Don't let it shatter you.

[00:21:58]You need to have that wall for yourself.

[00:22:00]I'm not saying don't trust people wholeheartedly.

[00:22:05]Love to the fullest. I love love, guys.

[00:22:08]Mutual friendship and relationship It's just like beautiful love.

[00:22:14]But, don't give less of that because of the hurt that you're experiencing.

[00:22:20]Try it. They are not worth it. Revoke it and give it to somebody else who's deserving, I guess.

[00:22:29]That was a very deep conversation, I guess. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

[00:22:33]Anyways, that's the wrap-up of today's conversation. Thank you so much to the person who sent this in. Hopefully, you'll watch it.

[00:22:42]Don't forget to like and subscribe. I understand. I'm sorry.

[00:22:48]Don't forget to subscribe, you guys.

[00:22:49]Thank you so much for the love that I saw last time.

[00:22:53]I will see you guys next week.

[00:22:57]Bye.

[00:22:58]>> [music]