Stop Trying to Win Them!

Added: 2026-05-07

[00:00:00]He actually looked her in the eye, right there in the middle of a half-empty Chili's with the scent of floor cleaner and old grease in the air and asked if there was anything he could change about himself to make her interested. She just told him clearly, very clearly and firmly that there wasn't a match between the two of them and for some reason he thought her opinion was a prize he needed to win. He wanted a performance review from a woman who just fired him from a job he never even had. And I didn't understand this. We talked about this for, you know, 2 hours that day until he finally understood that he was not dating for approval. He was dating to connect with someone after a great date where they enjoyed the hell out of each other's company and realized they had more in common than just a mutual tolerance for mediocre chips and salsa.

[00:00:54]He needed to answer the question of whether he felt more or less like his authentic self after spending time with this person. Is that how you're dating?

[00:01:03]Do you know the questions you're supposed to be asking yourself and what you should be paying attention to on these dates? Because if you're asking for an audit, if you're handing over your power before the appetizers hit the table, that's what we're going to talk about today. How you're accidentally maybe giving your power away and exactly how to start honoring yourself instead.

[00:01:26]That sounds at all interesting or intriguing, I hope you'll stick around because that's what's on the agenda.

[00:01:35]>> [music and singing] >> You haven't heard from this woman in 8 days. The thread is cold. You sent the last text. Maybe it was a question, maybe it was just a funny observation about your neighbor's cat and it's just been sitting there staring back at you like a bill you can't even pay.

[00:01:59]But instead of seeing that silence as a clear, loud message, your brain starts doing Olympic-level gymnastics. You start writing a screenplay in your head where her iPhone was struck by lightning or she dropped it into the ocean and now she's lost your number because she didn't use iCloud. You're checking the local news for pileups on the I-90 just to see if her car's in the background footage. Look, she isn't a hostage. This is a grown adult woman with a smartphone literally glued to her palm. She's sitting on a recliner right now, probably with a a half-eaten bag of chips on her chest scrolling through TikToks of a guy power washing a driveway.

[00:02:43]She saw your text. She saw the notification pop up and she decided that watching a stranger clean concrete was more interesting than responding to you.

[00:02:53]It takes 6 seconds to send a text. In the time it takes to sneeze, she could have typed, "Hey, crazy week. Thinking about you. Get back to you soon." If she isn't doing that, it's not because she's overwhelmed. It's because you're not on her priority list. When you make these excuses, you're telling the universe that your time isn't valuable. You're waiting by the phone like a teenager in 1985 and you are better than that. Stop the rescue mission. You are not a Coast Guard for somebody who isn't even in the water. Instead of asking, "Where is she?" maybe ask yourself, "Do I actually like a woman who communicates this poorly?" You need to talk to yourself like you are the prize. Say it out loud.

[00:03:37]I am far too busy building a life I love to be detective for somebody who's clearly uninterested. When you stop the gymnastics, you reclaim your mental space. You don't need to block her or make a scene. You just need to move her from the potential partner shelf to the irrelevant bin. Your self-esteem is honored the moment you decide that her silence is a gift of information, not a problem to be solved. If she gives you nothing, you give her the gift of your absence. Speaking of cell phones, my client Sarah was seeing a guy for 3 weeks. Great dates, or so she thought, and then the silence started. After 9 days of nothing, instead of just moving on, Sarah felt the need to text him to get a response. She said, "Carrie, I just need to know why. I need to close the loop." No, you don't. That is you giving away your power to a ghost. It's exactly like finding a cell phone that's been run over in the road and sitting in a puddle for a week and you're, you know, poking the black screen with a stick to see if it'll light up again.

[00:04:47]Why are you doing that? It's not going to vibrate. It's not going to give you the data that you're looking for. The motherboard is fried, trust me. It's just a paperweight now and you're standing there in the rain wasting 15 minutes of your life trying to get a signal from, you know, a piece of plastic and glass that's never coming back to life.

[00:05:06]When you force a response out of a man who was perfectly content to let you vanish, you're essentially begging for a notification from a device that's been disconnected. You think you're getting closure, but closure isn't a gift someone else can hand you. It's a choice you make for yourself when you realize the person doesn't value you enough to show up for you. Practice the silent exit. The why does not matter. If he's a jerk, if he's scared, if he's back with an ex, it doesn't change the fact that he isn't in your driveway. You honor your self-esteem by deciding that your attention is a high-value currency that you do not spend on dead technology. And when that urge to text hits, tell yourself, "I don't negotiate with silence."

[00:05:56]Remind your brain that you are the one who decides when a chapter is over. You don't need his confirmation to know that he's not the one.

[00:06:05]The click of the door closing should come from your side.

[00:06:09]Oh, yeah, we love to excuse people as if they're, you know, coming to us from the 19th century. Oh, you know what? He only communicates via smoke signals or the occasional carrier pigeon. Come on, give me a break. We live in a world where people take their phones into the bathroom, the shower, and the grocery store. If she can manage to check the scores of the game or comment on a Facebook post about a neighbor's overgrown lawn, she can manage to send you a message. When you accept the lazy excuse, you're essentially volunteering to be the backup plan. You're saying, "I'm okay with being the person that you remember when you're bored." That is a massive power leak. You have to tell yourself, "I am looking for a partner, not a pen pal who only writes when the stars align." If you feel like you're pulling teeth just to get a, "Hey, how's your day?" out of her, well, stop being a dentist. You honor yourself by setting a standard, a boundary for what available looks like to you. If your standard is a daily check-in, then a bad texter is simply an incompatible partner. It's not a flaw you have to fix. It's a sign that you should keep on moving. And when you catch yourself making excuses for this person, you stop and say, "Hey, you know what? I deserve enthusiasm and I'm not going to settle for a breadcrumb just because I'm hungry." This isn't about being high-maintenance, it's about being high-respect. You are training people how to treat you from day one. Sometimes a person actually has the integrity to look you in the eye and say, "It was really great meeting you, but I don't think we're a match." And for some reason, we take that as a challenge. We want to argue the point.

[00:07:53]We want to show him or her why they're wrong as if we can litigate our way into their heart. Why are you giving him that much power over your self-worth? You should want to buy him a steak dinner.

[00:08:05]I'm serious. He just saved you from 6 months of maybe or 2 years of "But what are we to each other?" while he secretly looked for an upgrade. He didn't pretend to like you when he didn't. He handed you your time back on a silver platter. That honesty is a gift. The moment he tells you he isn't interested, your only response should be, "I appreciate the honesty. Best of luck to you." And then you walk. You don't ask for why. You don't try to prove your worth and you certainly don't try to change his mind. The no from the wrong person is a yes to your future. Believe him. Tell yourself, "If he doesn't see the value in what I bring to the table, he doesn't belong at my table, period.

[00:08:54]You aren't for everyone and everyone isn't for you. That is a fact of dating and life, not a failure of character."

[00:09:01]When you stop arguing with reality, you stop wasting your energy on a closed door and you start looking for the one that's actually unlocked. Be the person who is so confident in what she offers that she doesn't have the time to convince a skeptic. My adorable client Mark, he wanted to know what his date didn't like about him. And she actually told him. She gave him a list of flaws like an insurance adjuster looking at a fender bender on a 2013 Honda Civic. You know, well, you talk about your cat a little too much and you seemed a little intense about that weird hobby of yours.

[00:09:38]Why are we asking for an audit from people who don't even know us?

[00:09:42]>> [laughter] >> You're not on a date to make people like you. You're on a date being your authentic, raggedy, real ass self to find the one person who's smart enough to keep up with you. Change how you talk to yourself after a date that didn't go well. Instead of asking, "What did she think of me?" you need to ask yourself, "What did I think of her? Did she make me laugh? Was she kind to everybody? Did I feel like I could really be myself around her?" You honor yourself by being the one who does the evaluating. If somebody gives you feedback you didn't ask for, look at her like she's speaking a foreign language, please, and tell yourself, "This person is not a judge and I'm not a contestant. You're not a used car. You are a rare gem, my friend.

[00:10:27]We've been sold this idea that love is a battle and you have to fight for it. So, when somebody pulls away, we lean in. We work harder. We ask more questions. We try to be more interesting, more fun, more chill.

[00:10:42]That isn't fighting for love. It's a symptom of a deeper leak in your own self-worth. Chasing a man who hasn't texted you in 10 days isn't romantic.

[00:10:51]It's self-abandonment.

[00:10:53]You're giving away your power by making his interest the metric of your success.

[00:11:00]Healthy love is a collaboration, not a pursuit. If you are the only one fighting, the war's already lost. If he moves away, let him. You don't chase, you don't bark, and you don't beg. Talk to yourself like this.

[00:11:14]I'm someone who deserves to be sought after, not somebody who has to hunt for a partner.

[00:11:19]When you stop the chase, you create space for somebody who actually knows how to show up for you.

[00:11:24]You're not easy to lose. You're impossible to replace for the right person.

[00:11:30]We edit our jokes so we don't seem like we're too much and we tuck in our opinions so we don't seem difficult. But at the end of the day, there's only one question that should be on your mind.

[00:11:41]And that's, "Do I feel more like myself or less like myself after spending time with this woman?" If you're performing, you've already lost the plot.

[00:11:51]You are the prize. Silence from the wrong person is not a tragedy. It's the universe clearing away the clutter. Be the raggedy, sharp, gritty version of yourself from minute one because it's the most efficient filtering system in the world. The wrong people are going to run for the hills. Goodbye. Toodaloo.

[00:12:11]And the right ones will lean in.

[00:12:13]You tell yourself, "I'm not looking for someone who can tolerate me. I'm looking for somebody who celebrates me." When you stop editing, you stop letting yourself down. You're being authentic to the person that you've worked decades to become.

[00:12:27]Don't hide behind a palatable mask just to get a second date that you won't even enjoy. If she can't handle the grit, she doesn't deserve the gold.

[00:12:39]>> [laughter] >> If you find yourself stuck in this loop, if you're always chasing, always poking the dead phone, always asking, "What did I do wrong?"

[00:12:48]then we need to talk about the plumbing of your self-esteem.

[00:12:52]I can't give anybody self-esteem in a gift box, even though I wish I could.

[00:12:56]But if your pipes are leaking, you need to do the heavy lifting on your own foundation.

[00:13:00]You've got to get in there and fix the infrastructure. Start maybe with a dating coach who can call you out on your patterns and tell you the things that your friends are too polite to say.

[00:13:11]Maybe read a book by a therapist who doesn't pull punches and actually makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable. And look, if that doesn't move the needle, please just go get some real deal counseling. There is no shame in getting professional help to stop you from settling for breadcrumbs when you deserve the whole meal. You aren't broken. You just need a better system and you need to stop handing your power to people who haven't even earned a seat at your table.

[00:13:39]I mean, you've survived harder things than a silent smartphone. It's time to start acting like it.

[00:13:45]All right. I hope you found that interesting or helpful. If you did, you might want to check out this episode here. And don't forget to give my little mama the thumbs up. I appreciate you hanging out with me today and I'll look forward to next time. Until then, have a good one.