Conscious Parenting in a Modern World with Dr Shefali

[00:00:00]How do you know when you have something in yourself or something in your past that needs to be repared?

[00:00:06]>> Oh, it will show up. It'll show up through a reaction. It'll show up through anxiety. It'll show up through stress, through chaos. And you will believe that it is the other person's fault. The minute you think that your stress is somebody else's fault and you're convinced of it and you're not leaving that person, you're still hanging around and you're not able to change it, it is you. I think if you're willing to look at every relationship as a mirror to yourself, you know, [music] and especially in those moments of trigger, uh, where you're willing to look within [music] and you're willing to really ask, why am I getting so triggered right now? What in me is being [music] unseen, unmet, you know, why am I identified with this pain so much?

[00:00:46]I've always found that when I don't react, [music] everybody's better. The child goes through the storm, the storm leaves, the boat comes back to shore, and then we can have a conversation.

[00:00:56]>> I love that. That's like something my mom always said. Never make decisions when you're emotional. Pause, take a beat, come back [music] to it, cuz you'll make the craziest calls and decisions when you're in that heat of the moment and then you wake up the [music] next day and go, "Oh, never mind. I feel good."

[00:01:18]You can't [music] touch these heights. I can money. You ain't on these flights. I don't take no price. This [music] a lifestyle. I don't do it for life.

[00:01:29]>> Dr. Shafali is a clinical psychologist, a New York Times best-selling author, and the founder of the conscious parenting movement, redefining how families understand selfhood, connection, and the inner life of children. Trained at Columbia University, she has spent decades guiding families to move beyond patterns of control and fear towards presence and authenticity. Please, let's welcome Dr. Shafali.

[00:01:52]>> Hi, thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited.

[00:01:55]>> Thank you for >> Yeah. Thank you so much for joining us.

[00:01:59]As I said, we are so excited to have you here and learn from your perspective and all of the experience that you have gathered over the years. But before we dive into your work and all the insights that you can share with our Bump family, um we'd love to start to get to know you a little bit more personally and we'd like to know, you know, tell us a little bit about your family. What does life look like for you right now? And also what is an assumption that you maybe had prior to being a parent that maybe is, you know, you can debunk now? Well, I my daughter's 23 years old. Um, and she just finished college last year and is exploring young adulthood. So, I'm very much in the throws of, you know, learning to have a backseat and not micromanage as I'm typically used to.

[00:02:45]So, that's been a big transition for me.

[00:02:47]Um, and just juggling my own career, being a mother, understanding, you know, what does a mother of an adult look like, right? I was so used to raising a mother of a child. I I think one of the assumptions that I used to have that I certainly began to squash early on is this idea of certainty and predictability. You know, there is no certainty, there is no predictability.

[00:03:11]It is a crapshoot. It's a daybyday, you know, being spontaneous, showing up in the moment and really being present to whatever the tides may bring. And uh I just didn't I knew there was an element of that but I didn't realize with humility how much of that is part of the art of parenting and I think if we can master that art of letting go of certainty and control we can be almost better parents because of it.

[00:03:42]>> That is really reassuring to hear. I'm a mom of three young boys and being okay with not knowing everything and letting go of perfectionism has been a saving grace. Otherwise, I would probably lose my mind. [laughter] So, I told >> I think most of us parents, you know, have a vision of what it's going to be like. And I think the more certain that vision looks, uh, the more more rigid we are about it, the more defined we are about it. Even though we are told that having goals is a good thing, it's not a good thing when it comes to parenthood.

[00:04:14]>> Fair enough. And I can't wait to get into all of your philosophies and your teachings. But you are a world-renowned psychologist and I'd like to go back to the beginning. Is that a career that you always knew that you would pursue?

[00:04:25]>> I think so. I think I grew up a mediator uh just by my temperament, but also, you know, was always put in between people's fights because I had that that personality to go in and mediate. uh my parents when they argued I was always called to be the the judge and the jury and the you know the savior. So I learned early to use my natural temperament and that's what I always teach parents you know our children and every human being comes with a natural temperament. So how do you align with that natural temperament and blossom the natural essence of yourself and your your child? So I naturally blossom that in my own life. I found I was so good at it. It was effortless.

[00:05:08]And then I realized I could make money, right? People would pay me to do what I had been doing for free my entire life.

[00:05:14]So I just had to go to school and get a degree. And I just continued on doing what was a natural talent of mine, which was to resolve conflict, find the the middle ground, and really to listen to people in a way that made them feel safe. And I think that's one of the key ingredients of being a therapist, a coach, but being a conscious parent and a partner is how do you communicate in a way where the other person feels safe?

[00:05:42]>> That's certainly a great skill to have.

[00:05:45]And the other side of that question is, did you always know that you wanted to be a mom?

[00:05:49]>> I think so. I think I would want to have had this uniquely human experience. So even though I was quite aware that I wouldn't like it at times, I would regret it at times, it would be exhausting at times, I think I had decided that I wanted to make it a go for this human very unique human experience.

[00:06:10]>> And um for those if you hadn't known um I'm actually in the trying to conceive journey and so I like to speak on you know that POV of those you know women that are in that journey but would love to be you know a mother one day. Um I hear a lot of terms all the time. You mentioned one just now, conscious parenting, but I hear things like gentle parenting and all the others. Can you tell us in simple terms what is conscious parenting?

[00:06:32]>> Yeah, I think conscious parenting is is the ultimate way to parent. It's not a technique. It's not a strategy. It's not even a a way of it's not even a parenting model. It is a life model. It is the way we need to be in life. So conscious parenting is really about raising yourself. Period. There is an inner child in you that has unhealed wounds and unmet fantasies and expectations. Your job is to parent yourself. And that goes for your partner. That goes for your intimate relationships, your friendships, all of it. You have to raise yourself into the highest most evolved human being you can be. And that's what conscious parenting is. So in conscious parenting is raising the child inside you so that you can raise the child outside you and and gentle parenting is you know I don't it only came about in the last few years you know since co uh is is a wonderful strategy um to kind of talk to your child with gentleness who doesn't want gentleness no one wants harshness but I think there's an element of performance in it uh you know it is more strategy than a way of being. Conscious parenting is a full-on, you know, 180 degree transformational overhaul that you have to go through in order to be present for your children.

[00:07:57]It's not a strategy. It is a >> it is the whole embodiment of who it is you are. I have so many questions [laughter] about how do you know when you have something in yourself or something in your past that needs to be repared?

[00:08:14]>> Oh, it will show up. It'll show up through a reaction. It'll show up through anxiety. It'll show up through stress, through chaos. And you will believe that it is the other person's fault. The the minute you think that your stress is somebody else's fault and you're convinced of it and you're not leaving that person, you're still hanging around and you're not able to change it, it is you. So it it's you will know very clearly it's you. And you'll know it through relational drama, through strife, through conflict, through tears, through grief, through agitation, anxiety, sleepless nights, overeating, over drinking. I mean, there are 1,000 ways that our psyches let us know that we are off center.

[00:08:58]>> Wow. I I wonder what work I have to do.

[00:09:01][laughter] >> Well, maybe you're not you're not feeling any of these things. And I'll just say then you're in denial.

[00:09:07]Well, you know, I love this whole concept of conscious parenting because I think there have been many aspects of just my own personal life that have called on me to tap into my inner child.

[00:09:18]Whether it's as it relates to my own kids, sometimes it's about like me being able to tap into my most creative self.

[00:09:24]So, I think there's got to be like so much learning to be had if you can kind of like go back there and really kind of have that that level of awareness.

[00:09:32]>> Yeah. I think if you're willing to look at every relationship as a mirror to yourself, you know, and especially in those moments of trigger, uh, where you're willing to look within and you're willing to really ask, why am I getting so triggered right now? What in me is being unseen, unmet, you know, why am I identified with this pain so much? When we're triggered, it's because we're believing something very deeply. And in psychological spiritual terms, the way I describe it is that you're identifying a lot with your belief, with your thought and and that thought is making you upset and you're identified with it. So if you believe you're a bad mother and you've identified as a bad mother now, that thought, that belief may cause you a lot of harm. And you may not realize that it has something to do with your past. And you may inadvertently believe your child is making you feel like a bad person.

[00:10:29]And when you do this inner work, you realize that our children are not making us feel anything. They're just being themselves. No one actually is making us feel any way at all emotionally. We are choosing to feel that way and then blaming them as the cause of that feeling, but they're not the cause.

[00:10:49]>> That is such powerful um healing if you can if you can do that work. Um, but speaking of u philosophies and doing the work, um, I want to talk a little bit about the fact that you have worked with Oprah a number of times and I'd like to know what was it like to be able to share your parenting philosophies and your work on that big of a stage.

[00:11:11]>> Well, you know, [laughter] when you when you've met Oprah, you can almost never want to meet anyone again.

[00:11:18]You don't have to, right? I've met the person I need to meet. And I always tell her this and she's always surprised that I tell her all the time that, you know, you're on most 99% of people's top top top person to meet, they're going to say Oprah, right? Maybe they would have said Michael Jackson, but they're going to say Oprah. And she goes, "Really?

[00:11:37]Really?" And I I look at her going, "Really? Are you really asking me really, or you just, you know, you fooling me?" She she acts very surprised [laughter] which makes me just completely go she might she must know. Um but yeah it is it is been the biggest gift of my life.

[00:11:53]She's already interviewed me uh for these two new books raising conscious sons and raising conscious daughters. Um she has blessed this work. She has given me strength. She has seen the transformational nature of this work as a real healing force for the evolution of our planet. And to have her endorse it, to have her regard it with such um you know, beauty and uh to recognize it is just my greatest gift. I mean, I just feel so blessed because she is an intellectual giant. You know, she reads all the books. Um, she has read every one of my books. She's called me now for how many books? One, two, one, two, three, four, five. Five books on super on the on the podcast and one book through Weight Watchers. So, she's really been a big part of this journey and I always tell her that she is the ambassador of conscious parenting. She's helped birth it into the world without which I would not have been able to do what I did. So, I owe everything to her.

[00:12:59]>> That's incredible. So, I can't imagine a better ambassador, advocate, um, co-signer. That congrats. That's huge.

[00:13:06]>> And I love that this conscious parenting, you know, lifestyle is not just, you know, in the terms of for parents. It can be for anyone that's looking for a change in their life or is experienced some sort of stress or just needs to look at some inner healing or inner inner healing of their child, you know. Um, but are you feeling like your wellness routine is all over the place?

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[00:13:39]>> I do want to ask, is there a practice or like one tip that you could give us that we could start with to start practicing conscious parenting?

[00:13:47]>> Yeah, I think there's so many tips, but I think the first one is to know that if you're being triggered, it is you. The trigger is on the inside. It is not on the outside. So that's not a tip. It's an awareness. And then the tip would be don't react. Right? Just wait for 10 seconds, then wait for 20 seconds. Just wait till you're regulated. Go on a walk, go outside, drink some water, have a shower. You don't need to react right now. See, most of us parents believe that if it's bad behavior, you need to correct it right now. and you really don't and shouldn't correct it right away. Unless, of course, the child is going to harm themselves or harm someone else. But if they're just, you know, screaming, ranting, raving, you know, saying, "I hate you," and slamming the door, you don't need to fix it right now. It's not a problem. It's just emotional venting. You can get to it later. You can think of the consequence later. Right now, there's no point when somebody is disregulated.

[00:14:49]You being disregulated is not going to help. So just teaching parents that it's inside you. You need to get to a state of regulation. You need to wait for your child to get to a state of regulation.

[00:15:03]Never talk to a child who is disregulated. It's a waste of time, waste of your energy. It goes nowhere and they don't learn anything. Uh it's like taking your child to Disney World at the age of two. You know, they're so overstimulated. Their brain is not taking in anything. You're wasting your money and your time. don't do it. So, in the same way, don't waste your breath when somebody is disregulated. And, you know, come back to it later. I've always found that when I don't react, everybody's better. The child goes through the storm, the storm leaves, the boat comes back to shore, and then we can have a conversation.

[00:15:40]>> I love that. That's like something my mom always said, "Never make decisions when you're emotional. pause, take a beat, come back to it because you'll make the craziest calls and decisions when you're in that heat of the moment and then you wake up the next day and go, "Oh, never mind. I feel good."

[00:15:55][laughter] >> Absolutely. Absolutely.

[00:15:58]>> So, I'm a daughter of a psychiatrist and so I wonder how did your own daughter think about being raised by a psychologist who was basically parenting on like next level? Was it something that she was into? How did she react to that when she was growing up? You know, it'll be interesting to get her perspective when she's an adult, but I'll be honest with you. I think at times she felt uh in competition with, you know, me act me her feeling like I knew everything, right? And even though I tried very hard to not preach from the pulpit, I think her just hearing people come up to me speaking all over the world, you know, made her feel that I sometimes had a Jesus complex. You know, she used to say, "Oh, you have a Jesus complex." I mean, I told her about the Jesus complex, so then she threw it right back at me. But um so she you know how when kids are teenagers they don't want to feel like they want to give their parents this kind of you know unbridled authority over themselves. So she would always tell me oh you think you just know everything and you think you know everything about kids and you think you know me so well [laughter] because it's it's annoying. I think as a daughter as you as you said you're a daughter of a psychiatrist. I'm sure there was a part of you that felt, you know, perhaps you were getting too too much analysis. You your parents always knew how to talk, you know, talk therapy talk and it can get quite annoying. So, I can imagine how how difficult that must have been for my daughter. Yeah, I I think as you get older and if your daughter is not already there, she will totally appreciate it because to have a parent who as is as regulated as certainly as my mom was and as I'm sure you are, it just breeds for healthy relationships going forward. So, she'll appreciate it.

[00:17:55]>> I know. And I think if you if you're raised by a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor who is really doing the work and really really somebody who believes in inner work and inner healing. I mean what better parent can you ask for, right?

[00:18:11]Even though the parent is not perfect, right? There's no such thing. But and I always tell my daughter, you know, that she has no idea, of course, I tell her she has no idea how lucky she is to be raised by a parent who cares to do the inner work. I mean, you you won the lotto if you're raised by a parent who does the inner work.

[00:18:29]>> I I couldn't agree more. I totally am with you. Co-sign all day. Um, but I am curious a little bit about how sort of eastern uh wisdom informs some of your philosophies about parenting. Can you talk to us a little bit more about that?

[00:18:43]Yeah, I think Eastern philosophy is very embedded and not just because I'm Indian but because I learned meditation, Buddhist meditation very early on. I'm not Buddhist. I'm not Hindu. I'm not any religion. I don't ascribe to any one religion. But I do have a philosophy which is really based on the laws of nature. And the Buddha taught this. He just happened to teach. He talked about, you know, he taught the power of presence and the power of the present moment and the power of no [snorts] self. Meaning you are not uh someone who needs to be identified by any label or any uh wealth or status or role. You are somebody greater, more spacious than any one identity. And the reason why that's so powerful is because when you do not get fixated on your identity as a wife, as a mother, as a podcaster, as a business entrepreneur, as a author, you actually are liberated from that identity. You it doesn't matter if you do well, you do badly, if people like you in the identity or don't like you.

[00:19:52]And you actually free the other people as well because you're not so attached and so rigid and dogmatic. So if I want to be a good mother and I'm attached to being a good mother and my daughter in any way makes me feel like a bad mother, I'm going to go apeshit crazy on her, right? Because I'm so identified. So Buddhism teaches you to not be identified with the role, with the name, with the label, and to see yourself and all human beings as this essence that is beyond the name, the role, the status, the religion, the money. And and that's a beautiful philosophy because it teaches you to connect to the essence of the human being. And the other big principle in eastern spirituality is the law of impermanence. Which means that everything is impermanent. We are all going to die. And as depressing as that may sound, it's actually again liberating because when you understand that whatever you're agitated about right now, whatever you're so upset about right now, it is going to pass. It will not stay the same. It will may become worse but it is not going to stay exactly the same. So just that capacity for change allows for flexibility, allows for creativity, allows for you to lean in and not feel as if the feeling is controlling you, but that you can maneuver and alchemize the feeling. So Eastern spirituality is very profound.

[00:21:23]It's very deep. It's very um powerful in its ability to liberate you from the forces of the matrix that we all get so overwhelmed by.

[00:21:36]>> I love that. That is liberating even just to hear. Um thank you for sharing that.

[00:21:42]>> Yeah. No. And I and I enjoy your perspective on I think in Western society, we tend to box ourselves into these categories or like you mentioned roles, especially women, we're taught, you know, you have to be a wife, be a mother. These are the things you're supposed to be, you have to be, and you have to live by them. Um, but I really like that you can branch out and you can be whoever you want to be tomorrow, today, in this moment. Um, and change that up a little bit.

[00:22:09]>> Yes. Yes. and and and giving our children the freedom to know that they are not, you know, bound by a grade.

[00:22:18]They're not bound by a medal. They're not bound by their career. They're not bound by their sexuality. Teaching them that they have infinite flexibility.

[00:22:27]This doesn't mean they don't commit to something, but their identity, their value, their worth is not contingent on that outcome. who they are is greater and more spacious than any label, identity, religion, sexuality possible.

[00:22:44]>> Absolutely. Um that is so that is so profound and you know my boys are 6 8 and 11 and already I'm seeing sort of how they react to losing a baseball game, not getting chosen to be a class officer, like those titles, those achievements. And it's just it's so important that they learn how to sort of um understand the core and not be so attached to just like this one finite thing. So I'm I'm applying that today for sure. Um but on that same note, I am ready to just get into these two new books that you are bringing into the world, raising conscious daughters and raising conscious sons. Why did you decide to make two separate books instead of putting them in one book?

[00:23:27]Yeah. So here they are just in case people want to see them.

[00:23:31]>> Um so the reason I decided on two books is not because I wanted to reduce gender not because uh there is such a thing as such a rigid separation between the sexes. These are really to be seen as companion books as a duogy as a conversation to each other and a continuum a spectrum. But I I wrote it in two books because there is such a thing as sex differences. There is such a thing as a different hormonal developmental timeline. Girls and boys do not develop in the same ways. And that is not a bad thing. That is a beautiful thing. It's something to celebrate, not something to feel bad about. And that they have a lot of overlap. So there was so much to write that I couldn't write it in one book.

[00:24:22]And I wanted parents to be highly sensitive to the hormonal blueprint of each sex. And I wanted to teach parents that the algorithm responds differently if you have a son than if you have a daughter. The algorithm understands that whoever they're talking to is wired in a different way than the other sex and therefore can be exploited in very unique ways. So both these books are companions. I urge parents to read both if they want to understand children in general. But each book kind of highlights the missing elements that we are forgetting to pay attention to for each sex. Uh but again, there's a lot of overlap. You may find your son in in the daughter's book, you may find your daughter in the boy's book. So read both of them to get a full picture because your your sons will be dealing with girls and your girls will be dealing with boys. So you want to know what's out there. That sounds like a nice tactic for for those partners that will eventually come into my kids' life.

[00:25:26][laughter] >> Yes, in some shape, you know, whether through a friendship or through a sexual relationship.

[00:25:32]>> It's going to happen.

[00:25:33]>> It's already starting to happen, Dr. Shafali. [laughter] >> Hey parents, are you getting ready to build your baby's registry?

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[00:25:55]>> The Bump Registry lets you add items from your favorite stores like Target, Amazon, and The Bump Shop. And then speaking of that overlap about conscious parenting principles and then you know your books, is there any principles that you think differ between raising sons versus raising daughters? Yeah. You know what I teach in conscious parenting is to be attuned to the uniqueness of each child. So it doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl, right?

[00:26:22]>> And on top of that, we need to be uniquely sensitive to how our children are wired. And boys are wired very differently than girls. So understanding that will help you to attune to them in a better way. Girls, for example, are highly relational. We have estrogen which makes our oxytocin amplified compared to boys. Our left brain and our right brain talk to each other. That's why we can talk about our feelings.

[00:26:52]Talking is a left brain uh element and feelings are the right brain but we can talk about our feelings. We can sit still because we don't have as much testosterone as the boys. So we are able to stay more calm and still. our prefrontal cortex develops earlier and comes online earlier than for boys. So we can be more stable and more rational and look more mature and act more mature than than boys. Now if we didn't know all this, we would wonder, you know, what was wrong with the boys? But if we understand that girls are just developmentally different, then we're not going to shame our boys. Similarly, boys are more compartmentalized because their right and left brain do not talk.

[00:27:34]So they appear more stoic, less dramatic. Right? So if we saw the boy and the boy is not reacting to anything and the girl is acting like the world is ending, we may feel like the girl is like, "Oh my god, what's wrong with you?

[00:27:46]You're so emotional. You know, go and take a chill pill." But if you understand the wiring, you won't praise the boy and diminish the girl. You'll understand it's just a different wiring.

[00:27:56]Boys need a lot more physical activity.

[00:27:58]They need a lot more space to run, to be wild. They want adventure. They have testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone of pursuit, which means they want to take risks. They want to to be digging things and fixing things and breaking things and finding things and solving problems. This is all coming from their hormone. It's it's not because they are intrinsically chaotic or ADHD necessarily. And then we need to understand that boys cannot sit still like girls. They need space to run, be wild, be free. And when they hit puberty, they're going to have 50 times more testosterone than when they were 5 years old. And that means their sexuality, their sexual desire is going to be on overdrive. And if we don't initiate them to a healthy sexuality, they're going to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and they're going to then, you know, in college act out in perverted sexual ways and prey on our girls. So there's so much that goes into each one that I felt like I had to really outline it in detail, but again there's a lot of overlap. So reading both books gives you the comprehensive picture.

[00:29:11]>> Yeah, that sounds really important. And you know, we've recently launched uh what we call our bump bookshelf where we're recommending books to parents, not only for their kids, not only the picture books that you need to help develop those early sort of learning and and recognition skills, but also parents u also books for our parents. So, this sounds like two new books that we have to add to our bump bookshelf for for baby registries. Are there any other kind of like essential tools that you think parents should have as they start their early parenting journey? like outside of some really good literature to get themselves started.

[00:29:46]>> I mean, there's so much in the girls book. I I talk about the eight pillars of raising conscious daughters. I talk about raising her to feel heard, not good. Uh raising her to live in her body and sexuality without shame or fear.

[00:30:02]Raising her to celebrate her limitations and imperfections. Raising her to stand in the fire without turning to ash.

[00:30:07]Raising her to integrate her masculine and feminine. raising her to govern and lead from within, raising her to find her true belonging in her tribe, right?

[00:30:16]So, these sound like great things, but how do you do it, right? How do you do it from a young age? So, if you have a toddler who's, you know, saying, "No, mommy, I want the blue shoes, and you're thinking to yourself, but the blue shoes don't go with this outfit." You have to then think to yourself, do I want to raise a daughter who can make choices and use her voice or do I want to raise a people pleaser and a follower? Why is that so important for our girls? Is because culture will definitely abduct her from her inner power. This is just standard practice when you when when culture deals with our girls, with us women.

[00:30:55]They rob us of our sovereignty. They rob us of our power. They rob us of our voice. So if you know that, then you begin to mold your child very intentionally from a young age to help her, to create boundaries, to say no, to protect her body, to to to understand who a stranger is and who a stranger isn't. And you're equipping her with things that at least make her emotionally strong. For the boys, you know, I also have eight pillars, seven pillars of raising a conscious son. I I teach about regulation, raising him to feel, not attack. Competence, raising him with purpose, not pressure.

[00:31:33]Vulnerability, raising him to be self-accepting, not self-defensive.

[00:31:37]Sovereignty, raising him to be resilient, not fragile. Sexuality and power, raising him to be integrated, not impulsive. Belonging, raising him with community, not control. And conscious masculinity, raising him to be himself, not a version of someone else. Right? So each pillar I I I give case examples and stories and I take you through a client's session so I can show you in real life how it shows up. But if you follow these pillars for all children really, you at least have them in your conscious awareness and then your choices are governed by this awareness.

[00:32:13]Right? So in the moment when you're about to tell your daughter, you know, eat your eggs, you'll stop. You will ask her to check in with her body. Has she had enough? Is she ready to stop? Is she ready to say yes or no? Before you tell her, go and hug grandma. You won't tell her to hug grandma. You will you will check in with her and ask her, "Does she feel safe in her body? Is she ready?"

[00:32:40]Now, many people listening to this will go, "Oh my goodness, can you stop complicating it? Like, just freaking hug the grandmother." Now, of course, we don't want to over complicate it, but we want to have intention. Why? Because culture will will will abduct your daughter especially of her sovereignty. So, culture is already going to tell her who to kiss, who to be with, how to be with, who to marry, how to look, how to diet, how to please. So, you want to give the antidote message in the house and you want to be intentional about it. So it sounds like it's extra extra but culture is extra extra. You know culture is doing this to our daughters. You and I know three of us are women here. We know how we have to push back culture wanting to take away our sovereignty and we have to hold on to our sovereignty. So in childhood with our daughters we want to exaggerate that so that when they go out into the world they have that foundation.

[00:33:42]>> Yeah. And and I love that you're talking about it when they're young because I think we're all trying to unlearn that cultural, you know, box that we get put in as adults on top of everything else that we do on the daily. So learning that young and having that foundation versus trying to learn that as adults, groundbreaking.

[00:34:01]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:34:03]>> So I think we just have one more question before we get to our next segment, uh, which is our this or that segment. And you know, it sounds like there's so much like so many incredible tips and such great advice in the books, but if you had to pull out one piece of advice for our audience who are all like primarily either trying to start their families or might be in their early stages of parenting, what's the one type of advice that you would give?

[00:34:26]>> The one advice I would give all parents is to learn conscious parenting because it will save you. If you learn the principles that I teach, I have an institute. I train people to become conscious parents. Then you have it's you know you you learn something that is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. You know most of us became parents without a course without a book without an education. Now parents listening to this will think okay our ancestors popped the children out and they did fine but did they really do fine? Now, it's okay to pop the child out and raise a wonderful child when you are living in community. When we are living as we used to live, as we should be living, in community in nature, no pressure except stay alive and go to bed, right? That that was it. So, in those conditions, we didn't need much parenting advice. Why do we need all this advice right now? Because we have totally contaminated our world. We have totally screwed it up. So what I'm teaching is a return to basics, a return to health, a return to consciousness.

[00:35:35]It's not about a strategy. It is about a way to look at life and to look at humans and to understand deeply that we humans are relational. We are connected.

[00:35:45]We need each other in know that's what makes us human. And in today's modern world, we are doing everything to be more antihuman. So these two books that I've written are a call to parents to wake them up and giving them a blueprint on how to stay connected to our children in the digital era.

[00:36:04]>> This is so timely because with AI and how quickly things are changing. I mean it's it's hard to keep up and as a parent you just want to make really good choices, healthy choices um that can combat some of the external factors that are that are inevitable. So so so wonderful to have this resource. Thank you, Dr. Shafali. All right, Sasha, should we get into this or that?

[00:36:28]>> Yes, let's lighten it up a little.

[00:36:30][laughter] >> All right, perfect. So, this or that is our segment where we're going to give you a couple of choices, just two, and just pick the one that feels like the more natural choice. And don't don't overthink it. Okay.

[00:36:42]>> Okay.

[00:36:43]>> All right. So, the first one, therapy for parents or therapy for kids?

[00:36:47]>> Therapy for parents.

[00:36:49]>> Okay. And tell us why. [laughter] Well, because the parents are the ones who need help more than the child. You know, the child is is vulnerable is kind of captive to your minations, right?

[00:37:02]Young children don't have much say.

[00:37:03]They're they're born in your house.

[00:37:05]They're under your rule. So, the more regulated you are, the more conscious you are, the more integrated you are, the child is going to bounce off that energy.

[00:37:13]>> Thousand%. Okay. Gotcha. All right.

[00:37:15]You're up.

[00:37:16]>> All right. Ban social media for kids or ban AI for kids? Oh my goodness. So, it's both really. You children don't need AI and children don't need social media. I mean, they have no business to be on social media, no business to be talking to an AI anything till they're 15, 16 years old. And even then, it's risky. So, ban them both.

[00:37:36]>> Okay. We we've got we've got two on that.

[00:37:39][laughter] >> Okay. Do you prefer to unplug with a book or a long walk? um with a long walk because I need to be physical and move and be interacting with real life and nature and that is so relaxing and unwinding and then I can go mental with a book. You know, I think the body is so important because we sit all day and we talk all day and we're working on at desks all day that for me to be out in nature is very healing.

[00:38:06]>> Fair enough.

[00:38:08]>> There's something about touching grass they say that just heals everything.

[00:38:13]Um, okay. So, I know you said no to social media and AI, but if you had to give in, would you give in to TV or phone?

[00:38:22]>> Oh, easy. I'd give give the TV all day long compared to the phone. And why?

[00:38:27]Because >> the phone is portable. The child can run away with the phone and not to be seen for the next day. The phone allows them to scroll through the internet without, you know, limitations. I don't know what they're doing on the phone. They have access to strangers that I don't have control over. A TV is in your living room. It's too heavy to carry around.

[00:38:47]There's a remote control that you can take and everybody can hear the TV in a common space. And there's no scrolling.

[00:38:53]There's no, you know, flicking and the algorithm cannot feed the TV. You can choose your program. The algorithm doesn't choose it for you.

[00:39:03]>> That's so true.

[00:39:04]>> Yeah. You can't can't run away with the TV unless it's Yeah. Well, I guess the phone is a TV also. [laughter] Right.

[00:39:11]>> That's why we're in trouble. Um, okay.

[00:39:13]So, for yourself, Dr. Shafali, do you prefer to binge a podcast or binge a series on a streaming platform?

[00:39:20]>> You know, I'm pretty bad. I would say um a podcast would be easier, but I I'm not a binge. I I try not to binge watch anything because then I I know I'll want to finish it and I just can't commit. So the good thing about my life is I'm so busy that I can't commit to these things which is good because then I don't get on it. You know how addictive they can be. So I try not to binge watch much.

[00:39:45]>> You can lo you can lose a day if you if you try hard enough.

[00:39:48]>> Exactly. And I have lost the day so I I know now not to get into that.

[00:39:52]>> Gotcha.

[00:39:53]>> And then speaking of touching grass but warm weather or do you prefer cold weather vacations?

[00:39:59]>> Oh my god. Is that even a question? I guess there's some people who like cold weather, but no, I like >> You do.

[00:40:07]>> No, no. I say couldn't be me.

[00:40:09]>> Yeah, exactly. Warm weather any day.

[00:40:12]>> All right, that was an easy one. Thank you so much. That was so much fun. And we just have one question to close out.

[00:40:18]Um, we know that you've got a daughter who's in her early 20s now and just want to know, is there one trait of yours that you hope that she inherits from you? Or is there a trait that she's already inherited from you that you are happy to see show up?

[00:40:32]>> Um, sorry. Uh I think what she has that I don't have is uh a boldness about her and uh she doesn't get so taken by what people think about her which I was never that confident when I was young. And then what I would like her to have more of what I have is she can be shy. I know they don't go she can be bold but that's different. bold as in not caring about what other people think, but she's shy in terms of asking for too much or putting herself out there and uh you know making herself feel vulnerable. I think that's her uh her weak spot is to make herself feel weak. Uh and I I wish she would not worry about being vulnerable and and trusting herself more. And I know the two kind of don't go together, but they they do, you know, they're two contradictory parts of her.

[00:41:29]>> Yeah. Well, I think we're all very layered. And I think that's why Conscious Parenting and your two new books that are coming out are going to be such a helpful guide for all of us.

[00:41:39]And I'm just so happy we got to peel the onion back a little bit and learn more.

[00:41:42]Thank you so much for joining us.

[00:41:44]>> Well, thank you for all you do. I'm so happy that you resonated with these books and that you especially mother of three sons. You're going to really like this book because it provides such a blueprint for a masculinity that I haven't read anywhere. So I I really would love to hear your thoughts about it once you get through it.

[00:42:02]>> Absolutely. I will. So Dr. Shafali, tell our audience where they can find you.

[00:42:05]>> They can go to my website, drshafali.com. I have lots of bonuses if you buy a book on my website. Lots of bonuses, master class, summit, a free course, so much stuff, access to my community. Also, I have a coaching institute. If anyone's interested in learning to be a more conscious parent or become a coach to parents like I coach parents, then they can look up my institute and they can find me on Instagram as well.

[00:42:29]>> Absolutely. Well, we will link everything in the show notes and thank you once again for joining us. This was our episode of No Guide for This and we'll see you next time.

[00:42:38]>> Thank you.

[00:42:39]I