I’ve been alone so long I forgot how to be a person

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:02]You know, I don't think that a lot of people would look at me and instantly go she's lonely.

[00:00:10]But isolation and loneliness doesn't have to look like you know, a crazy cat lady with a a thousand cats.

[00:00:21]The isolation that I'm talking about is the feeling that at the end of the day you are completely alone with your own thoughts.

[00:00:31]And the loudest thing in the room is the silence.

[00:00:36]And you have nobody to call nobody that can understand your situation.

[00:00:43]You have nothing no one to turn to and your relatives, they don't care about you and how you're feeling.

[00:00:50]If you would ask them for help they would only give you a a stupid solution that you know that they don't truly mean.

[00:01:01]And they also know that it doesn't help.

[00:01:06]So you don't reach out to anyone and you feel completely left out of society.

[00:01:13]And that's how I have felt for many many years.

[00:01:17]And in high school I was completely alone.

[00:01:23]I did not have a single friend and I think that's because I I could somehow deep down feel I could sense that they were being fake and honestly it disgusted me and it made me distance myself.

[00:01:41]To the point where even my teachers were worried about me.

[00:01:46]And I used to eat lunch completely alone and I would hide just eating my lunch by myself.

[00:01:57]And I didn't feel that anyone could understand me and because I was going through a lot of personal things in high school that were very hard.

[00:02:13]So, I never had a close connection with anyone.

[00:02:18]And I didn't feel like I fit in.

[00:02:21]>> [clears throat] >> So, I guess I built up a resentment towards people and especially like people in my age because I felt like it confirmed every bad thought that I had of myself that I wasn't likable that I that people only wanted to be with me because they felt bad for me.

[00:02:51]And all of those bad thoughts.

[00:02:54]So, I started to believe that these thoughts were actually true.

[00:03:02]So, I I even like moved city which just made me even more lonely.

[00:03:11]And you know, it's really hard.

[00:03:14]When you leave school, it's really hard to make friends.

[00:03:18]It's like basically impossible and especially where I live, people aren't so outgoing.

[00:03:25]So, it feels even harder to to speak to people because it feels weird and they just think that you are weird.

[00:03:37]So, I was kind of forced into this loneliness and but I guess that it was kind of helpful in a way because I I'm not the same like I was.

[00:03:53]It forced me to to find myself and to understand who I truly am deep down.

[00:04:04]When I'm not performing for other people.

[00:04:09]And it made me realize a lot of stuff about myself and it made me also look at people in a different way because before I wasn't so self-aware.

[00:04:25]I I couldn't really read people as good as I can now.

[00:04:31]Because now most of my time is spent like analyzing myself and analyzing other people.

[00:04:40]So I have become more logical instead of intuitive.

[00:04:45]And I internalize and think about [snorts] my feelings instead of feeling them.

[00:04:57]Which also makes me feel disconnected from myself, from society.

[00:05:04]And I tend to analyze more than taking action.

[00:05:12]So all of this is like keeping me stuck in this loop that's just ongoing and you know internally that like loneliness is not good for you. It does take a toll on your mental health and it everyone says that it's, you know, worse than smoking and all of that, but when you are so stuck in that loop, it's It feels impossible to It feels impossible to escape.

[00:05:55]And also because you get so mentally tired from being alone all the time.

[00:06:03]It is extremely draining.

[00:06:05]And that also makes you less prone to actually take action.

[00:06:12]Which is like not helpful at all. And I also tend to talk myself out of things.

[00:06:21]Because it's easier to stay where I've always been.

[00:06:25]It's easier to to be in my comfort zone because I know I have learned the pat- the patterns now. So if I were to like go out and do different things that I'm not used to you know, my body would be in a constant fight or flight.

[00:06:49]Because it feels unsafe. It feels unusual.

[00:06:53]And it feels like I have become more sensitive to new experiences.

[00:06:59]It takes a toll on you in a whole different way.

[00:07:04]I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like it's way harder now.

[00:07:12]Before you would just do like just take action.

[00:07:17]Because it wasn't as big of a hurdle like it is now.

[00:07:24]So that is also keeping me from changing my life.

[00:07:31]And I think I overthink things a lot without me even noticing.

[00:07:39]It just happens like automatically.

[00:07:43]And that's that's when you feel stuck like for real.

[00:07:50]So, and I'm also like too hyper-vigilant because that's also a thing when you are too isolated, you become hyper-vigilant.

[00:08:03]And it feels like you are watching yourself outside of your body.

[00:08:11]And you're probably experiencing that as well. So, you probably know what I'm talking about.

[00:08:19]But it feels like you are not experiencing this lifetime with other people. It feels like you Yeah, you are watching yourself outside of your body. And you are not It feels like nobody can understand you.

[00:08:42]So, it feels almost useless to bring bring your emotions up because nobody would truly understand. And you also start to It feels like I can't really relate to people who haven't been through the same things that I have been through.

[00:09:05]So, if I would meet someone who haven't at all experienced loneliness, it feels like I I can't relate to you.

[00:09:15]It's like there's this big difference and gap between us.

[00:09:20]And I don't know. It makes me distance myself from those kind of people.

[00:09:27]And if I would talk to someone who has also been through or is living in solitude, it feels like or I'm scared that we would just bring each other down deeper into the loneliness.

[00:09:45]So, I don't know. It's It's like a deep spiral who that that's hard to break.

[00:09:57]But, I think it's it's helpful to to just let go of all of your expectations and realize that there's nothing wrong with you.

[00:10:12]And that is a thing that I really had to learn that everything that happened to me in high school, it was never about me.

[00:10:23]Never.

[00:10:25]Because people always act from their selves and their view of themselves.

[00:10:34]So, they probably felt like they weren't good enough to to start to talk to me or they didn't dare, you know?

[00:10:47]That's at least what I think. But, yeah.

[00:10:51]Everyone sees it differently.

[00:10:53]So, if you also have experienced something like this, I truly want to hear your your story and I believe that your story deserves to be heard because you can always like I always say say help me or help someone else in the comments.

[00:11:16]And yeah, I really want to hear what you have been going through.

[00:11:21]So, you know, like, subscribe, and I will see you next time. Bye.