️ Episode : Why Do I Keep Yelling at My Child? The Truth Most Parenting Advice Misses

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[00:04:59]Hello, welcome, welcome to a brand new season of the Parenting with Understanding podcast. This is this is the first time that we're live and we are going to cover why do we keep yelling at our kids. Is this you? You've tried many ways to be patient. You try to repeat yourself uh the same instruction. and you you've been perhaps following parenting content and you're like, "Okay, but I still keep yelling at my kids at some point. At the end of the day, I'm so tired and I don't know how to how to change this." On this podcast episode, you are going to have clarity about the root of reactivity, parental reactivity, and most of the time is not what we think. so you can start parenting your children as a secure parent with awareness. Hello, welcome to another episode of the parenting with understanding podcast. This is your host Marcela Collier. I'm a neurode divergent mom of twins and I am a certified parenting coach, founder of HIC parenting education agency and we are on the mission of helping parents like you move away from reactivity and become secure parents for your kids. Because we are live, I'm going to check with my team if you can hear me.

[00:06:32]Can you hear?

[00:06:38]If you can hear me, if you can see me, I want to check before I move forward. So, what's new on this season 2.0 of the Parenting with Understanding podcast.

[00:06:51]Number one, we are going to go live.

[00:06:54]Every time we record our podcast on Mondays at 9:30 a.m. PDT, we are live.

[00:07:01]Number two, we are going to have realtime experiences of parenting guidance and support. I'm going to invite parents who like you want to raise secure children. And you are going to experience coaching live. You are going to uh see new guests coming, expert guests that are going to enlighten us in other topics of secure parenting. And I'm going you're going to see solo episodes like this one as well where I'm going to directly talk to you talk to you and developing and develop your skills to be a secure parent. I'm going to adjust my seat real quick. I feel like I'm too down.

[00:07:50]Okay, I think now I'm adjusted.

[00:07:55]Before we jump in, if your goal is to become a secure parent, if your goal is to raise your children away from patterns that you were raised, reactive patterns, this is the podcast for you. The parenting with understanding podcast has one miss one mission which is helping parents move away from reactive generational patterns to become insecure parents for their kids. So if this is your goal, this is your podcast, I encourage you to subscribe and to say hello in the comments so you don't miss any of our episodes.

[00:08:38]So, let's talk about why do we keep yelling at our kids and and what to do about it. So, number one, let me go to my notes.

[00:08:49]A key in in chat. Okay, so I can see the comments. My assistant is telling me that I can see the comments. Let me see.

[00:08:58]Let me see where I can go to the comments.

[00:09:03]Okay, let me go to the chat.

[00:09:08]If you are watching me live and you want to say hello, Jessica Federico, could you please say hello? I want to make sure that I'm able to see the the comments. Um, if you can say hello, that will be great.

[00:09:25]Let me see studio chat.

[00:09:30]Okay, let me go back.

[00:09:36]Um, I don't know if I can see the comments.

[00:09:39]Anyway, so let's go back. Let's go back talking about our our our our topic.

[00:09:48]Why do we keep yelling at our kids? Have you ever thought, but I I know a lot.

[00:09:56]I've been through the podcast episodes.

[00:09:59]I've been through the tantrums workshops. I've been through the I I bought classes and and I follow a lot of content, but still at the end of the day, I end up yelling. I know how to speak to my kids because I've gotten a lot of things, but I still end up in the same reactive cycle. If that is you, say you. Say me in the chat. I'm a little I'm a little uh distracted by my my team chat. Lego does click a public chat.

[00:10:37]Okay. Okay, I got it. I think I can see it now. I can see your comments. That's awesome.

[00:10:45]So, if that is you, it does not happen because you are a bad parent. It does not happen because you you have a bad child or you have a difficult child. A lot of neurode divergent families feel the same way. A lot of neurode divergent parents feel the same way. Same way. I wonder if it's because I'm neurode divergent. It's be I wonder if it's because I'm autistic. Is it because I'm ADHD? Or is it because um the parenting advice that I see in social media does not work for my neurode divergent child.

[00:11:23]And you know what it does have? It has nothing to do with who you are as a parent and what your children are.

[00:11:33]It has a lot to do with interpretation that you are having at the moment of what your children's behaviors mean and what your own behavior mean.

[00:11:46]So what do you mean by this Marcela?

[00:11:48]What do you mean by this? Let's let's let's unravel this. Okay. Let's just imagine a child lies to their parent.

[00:12:00]The parent the the parent asks the child to go and do their homework and then the child starts doing their homework and then the parent checks back with what the child is doing. Let's just say 15 minutes later and the child real quick changes the window in the laptop and then pretends that that he's doing the homework when the parent knew that the child was in fact playing video games, doing other things, not doing the homework, and that that they changed the the window real quick so the parent would not see it.

[00:12:45]So, let's just say this is the situation. I'm curious before we unravel this.

[00:12:52]What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do if if your seven-year-old or 8-year-old did that kind of deception? What would you do if this happened to you? Let me know in the comments. The chat is open so I'm able to to see it. Let me know in the comments. What would you do?

[00:13:14]Well, let's just say that there is a parent who sees this behavior and they're like, "Wow, my child is being so deceptive.

[00:13:25]Honesty is a very important value to me." And I was punished really harshly growing up when I was dishonest. I learned in the hard way to always tell the truth.

[00:13:41]So this parent that comes from this interpretation is going to respond very differently to a parent who gets curious about the behavior.

[00:13:52]A secure parent who sees the behavior not as a reflection of who the child is or a projection of their own childhood wounds but who sees the child's behavior underneath it.

[00:14:10]Meaning what is this what why did this happen on the first place? What is my child communicating to me through this behavior?

[00:14:23]A secure parent is a parent who gets curious before getting furious or instead of getting furious. Curious and not furious. A secure parent is a parent who looks beneath the behavior. And this secure parent found out that her child, who is ADHD, was deeply struggling with online learning. That was back in 2020 when we just uh when we just uh started our private community, the Secure Pring Collective, and she came to us. She came to our private community to to be a secure parent and to break away from her own reactivity.

[00:15:18]What activated the most for her was the lying behavior, the deception. But then as she became a secure parent, she started realizing that her child's her ADHD AD ADHD child's behaviors. That was a mouthful for me.

[00:15:43]Communicated a need, a learning need.

[00:15:47]This child was feeling overwhelmed with online learning. Demand avoidance was kicking in.

[00:15:56]And this child was avoiding it, avoiding online learning.

[00:16:02]They usually started they with good intention but then as the lesson went they got disengaged because they are ADHD. They struggle regulating focus. They struggle sitting still on a chair and staring to a computer. They struggle with controlling their impulses.

[00:16:25]So their brains drifted off to other things such as opening a new window and playing.

[00:16:35]It wasn't that the child was trying to be deceptive. It wasn't that the child was trying to not do her responsibility, not fulfill her work for her child was struggling to make online learning work for her ADHD brain.

[00:16:56]So, do you see the difference?

[00:16:59]A parent with the same behavior, the same child, and perhaps the same parent She was reactive when her interpretation was, "My child is trying to be deceptive. My child is trying to not listen to me. My child is is not not doing what her responsibility is."

[00:17:21]Versus, "My child is struggling with learning considering her ADHD brain."

[00:17:28]So interpretation always change our intervention.

[00:17:35]interpretation always change our intervention. And by the way, if you are if you are getting aha moments, if you're getting like, okay, this is making sense, I want to share it with another friend. Share this live with another friend. Just tag a friend right now and or send this live to another friend so they can join us right now.

[00:17:59]So secure parents are not perfect.

[00:18:02]Secure parents just practice parenting from a different lens.

[00:18:08]They practice parenting from a different lens.

[00:18:13]To our members of our private community, the secure parenting collective, I I reinforce all the time that there are three skills that helps us be secure. the skill of emotional regulation, the skill of mindsight, and the skill of positive discipline. And the interpretation that we have about our children's behaviors is the skill of mindsight. Because mindsight is being really good and understanding the needs and feelings and missing skills driving behavior.

[00:18:55]So information alone, information alone is good but it does not change us.

[00:19:09]Information alone is good but it does not change us.

[00:19:13]Why? Why is it like this?

[00:19:17]because our interpretation of our children's behaviors are always permeated or um clouded through the lenses of our own beliefs, our own wounds, our own experiences.

[00:19:32]And this is something that you don't see in social media in social media content.

[00:19:39]Social media doesn't speak to you about you.

[00:19:44]That's why we have a space for you to come and get direct guidance from us which is the secure parent collective private community o with mhamad it's so true getting the info and understanding is key it works too thank you so much for for sharing that so I want you to practice this I want you to practice Practice getting curious.

[00:20:21]Getting curious.

[00:20:23]Where would you get judgmental about your children's behaviors? We don't want to judge our kids, but many times we fall into judgments without even knowing it.

[00:20:37]They're doing it on purpose.

[00:20:39]This is a this is a rule that we we already went over.

[00:20:44]they should know better. They're the older child.

[00:20:49]They're old enough for this.

[00:20:54]All those things are judgments that we have about our kids.

[00:20:59]So, I want you to practice mindsight.

[00:21:03]Mindsight is looking beneath the behavior and getting curious about what the behavior really means.

[00:21:14]Why do we yell?

[00:21:16]We yell because of the interpretation that we have about children's behaviors.

[00:21:29]Marcela. Okay. So, but I don't know. It seems to me like I yell because I'm over stimulated or because um I lack support and I want to be um I want to be tender and empathetic about that because it does feel true. It does feel true.

[00:21:54]It does feel true. and being tired, not sleeping well enough, all daily busyiness does add stress to our nervous system.

[00:22:07]Yet the reactivity comes from a different avenue. It does not come from stress. It comes again from what we are telling ourselves when we witness our children in their behaviors. That's what sparks reactivity.

[00:22:29]Being busy and not sleeping well creates stress. The reactivity is created by our clouded lenses. And that's the work that we do in our private community, the secure parent collective.

[00:22:43]We help parents move away from reactivity and become secure parents by developing mindsight skills, which is what we talked on this episode.

[00:22:56]Emotional regulation skills to remain secure and positive discipline skills to know how to guide their kids without reactivity.

[00:23:07]If you want to explore our private community, I encourage you to to join us free for 30 days. Just go to www.secureeparcollective.com.

[00:23:22]Yes, secureparentcollective.com.

[00:23:26]And you can join us for free for 30 days or after this live we are going to leave a link or a QR code somewhere at the point of this podcast episode. Hi Marty good morning from Louisiana.

[00:23:41]What was the third point? Emotional regulation regulation mindsight and positive discipline. Mindsight is what we unravel during this episode. It is looking beneath the behavior and responding to our children from the understanding of their needs.

[00:24:02]Emotional regulation is knowing what to do with our bodies to regulate our emotions. So when we feel the stress of life, we don't dump it on our kids. And positive discipline is knowing how to guide our children without reactivity. Those are the three skills that every secure parent masters and the skills that we help parents develop in HIC parenting and in our private community, the secure parent collective.

[00:24:34]So, let's bring it all together.

[00:24:40]Behavior is communication.

[00:24:43]Not just your children's behaviors, but your behaviors.

[00:24:48]What does your reactivity mean? When I am reactive, what kind of interpretation am I having about my children's behaviors?

[00:25:02]Am I coming from a place of judgment or am I coming from a place of curiosity?

[00:25:09]The same likewise with us. When we are reactive, what kind of interpretation are we having about our own parenting?

[00:25:18]Are we coming from a place of judgment?

[00:25:21]I'm a bad mom. I'm a bad dad. I'm failing as a parent. I don't have what it takes. Judgment. Or are we coming from a place of curiosity?

[00:25:31]This stress that I'm feeling this overwhelm. What is it telling me about my needs? What is it telling me about the way I'm interpreting my children's behaviors? What is it telling me about my feelings?

[00:25:44]from a place of empathy and love. Yes, guidance without reactivity.

[00:25:52]So, let's go back to the story. Once the secure parent, she is one of our members of our PR community. Once she was able to understand that beneath that behavior ch of changing the screen, right, go do your homework. And then when she went check the child changed right away the screen because she was really playing video games. When she was able to understand that the was this was happening because the child with ADHD was having a really hard time connecting to the online lesson. Then her approach completely changed and she was able with positive discipline to help her child without reactivity.

[00:26:41]How the positive discipline look like here? It looked like guiding this behavior based on the child's needs. The child needed movement. So, she went from, "Okay, you need to sit still and do your homework to, okay, maybe we can put a wobble chair and then you can do your homework in a wobble chair or maybe you can bounce on a fitness ball while while you pay attention to your teacher to the to the online lesson. Maybe we can break up the the homework in little uh time stretches at the time. Instead of being you instead of just sitting for 20 minutes straight, let's break it up for five minutes. And these accommodations and these strategies is positive discipline is guiding our children without reactivity and is one of the three skills that every secure parent needs to have.

[00:27:36]Morgana from Ecuador. That's amazing.

[00:27:40]Yes. Hi, Marty. Uh, want in control is something that can cause reactivity.

[00:27:46]Letting that go makes such a difference.

[00:27:48]Changing our mindset is lifechanging.

[00:27:50]Yes, for sure. You are correct.

[00:27:53]You are correct.

[00:27:55]Welcome to session two, Morgana.

[00:28:01]If this podcast episode gave you a different perspective of why you're yelling, I encourage you to share with one parent friend. You don't have to you don't have to send it to the whole neighborhood.

[00:28:15]Just share with one friend. Maybe it's your sister, maybe it's your cousin, maybe is your your next door friend.

[00:28:22]They need to know as well that it is possible to raise our children as secure parents without reactivity.

[00:28:32]It is completely possible.

[00:28:37]Okay. Next week we are going to talk about our first pattern of reactivity. There are actually three types of reactive patterns. And if you're like, "Okay, I don't know if Marcel is really understanding, but I really try to be calm, but when I cannot hold it any longer, I end up exploding." If that is you, then stay. Come back in two weeks.

[00:29:06]We are going to do our podcast episodes for now every two weeks, Monday at 9:30 a.m. PDT Pacific time. I encourage you to set a reminder to put on your Google calendar so we can meet each other Mondays at 9:30. And on our next episode, we are going to talk about the parenting pattern that most parents fall into without even knowing it and how to start getting out of this to be a more a calmer, more secure parent. Remember that you are growing as a secure parent and it only takes a secure parent to raise a secure child. I'll see you next time.

[00:30:02]Thank you for coming, Morgan. Thank you for coming, Marty.

[00:30:06]So, Fed, all I have to do now is just hang up. Erect. Okay.

[00:30:29]Happy Thursday.

[00:30:31]>> Happy Thursday. You graduated from our coaching program. Congratulations. I'm so happy.

[00:30:37]>> I'm a new woman.

[00:30:39]How do you feel now after six months of coaching?

[00:30:44]>> I I feel I didn't know that I would feel this way. I had hope for what I what I I just wanted to feel better. Um but yeah, I didn't know that I would feel this at peace at secure. I feel more myself.

[00:31:01]>> You feel more at what?

[00:31:03]>> Myself.

[00:31:04]>> Yourself. Okay. How did you feel before?

[00:31:06]like you now you feel like you are you but before how did you feel before coaching?

[00:31:12]>> Kind of bound um is a way that I I felt a lot bound and burdened and um now I feel like more free and um yeah at peace.

[00:31:26]>> Wow. And you you are an autism mom.

[00:31:29]Autism as well.

[00:31:31]>> Yes.

[00:31:33]I want to know something because I've I hear this often from neurody divergent parents who come to inquire about HIV parenting who don't know what they need and they I hear often with all the needs that I have sometimes I I I had the thought that maybe I shouldn't been a parent.

[00:31:57]Did you ever feel that way? And now you say that you feel yourself. What What changed if you ever felt that way? What changed after your six months of of process in coaching?

[00:32:14]Yeah, I definitely felt like that. I felt like I wasn't put out to be a mom.

[00:32:19]I was like, "Oh, you know, those people who love it, I guess those are just the people who are like born to be moms.

[00:32:25]closer to people who wanted to be moms since they were kids. I guess that's that's why they love it so much.

[00:32:32]And I I um and I felt like maybe I needed like anxiety medication to be able to enjoy it. Um but I think that's also what I mean when I say I feel mo more like myself, like um more capable and powerful within myself.

[00:32:53]um and enjoying motherhood and um I definitely didn't think I had it in me to be this capable and enjoy it this much and secure. And I think that's also what I meant when I said I didn't know that I would that this would be where I would end up and this is how I would feel.

[00:33:16]>> Wow.

[00:33:17]>> I just wanted to feel a little bit better than I felt before. Um but I feel I feel different and as um more yeah more myself.

[00:33:32]>> There's so much ease and less effort.

[00:33:35]>> So you you wanted to feel a little bit better and that's why you started in coaching but then you didn't know that the change was going to be this much.

[00:33:47]>> Thank you so much. I'm sure that these your story will help a lot of parents here. A lot of parents here >> especially the ones who are just starting who don't know if if if coaching would do anything.

[00:34:02]>> I said from experience I came to be a parenting coach because I was under parenting coaching first and it changed my life. It did. It is something a lot different than just reading a book or watching a real is different because you get help with your own particular self and Marcela is not in any book or real or Tik Tok.

[00:34:26]>> Yeah.

[00:34:27]>> Yeah.

[00:34:27]>> Very. Yeah. If if anyone's starting, you know, if you could just imagine yourself here, you know, because um if I had known that this is where I would be, it would um it would, you know, would have given me so much hope. Um >> yeah.

[00:34:44]>> So to all the autism parents and autistic parents and ADHD parents who feel like maybe because I have a diagnosis I cannot be a secure parent or I cannot have a peaceful dynamic with my autistic kid. Rita is the clear example that is possible. Mhm.

[00:35:02]>> I thought this was just what some pe parents are kind of meant to experience, you know, with with whatever they have going on with whatever their kids differences their kids have. Like, okay, this is just the life of those parents then. But I'm I feel happy. I feel fulfilled. And um yeah, I see it in my son, too.

[00:35:25]>> And let's let's think about something.

[00:35:28]Your son is still he's still autistic and you're still autistic. You still have autistic needs. You still have sensory needs, social needs. Your your son as well.

[00:35:40]The the behaviors and the needs don't change, but what changed?

[00:35:48]um how I saw them, how I related to myself within within these challenges.

[00:35:58]Um the compassion I gave myself and um attending to my own needs. Um learning about my own needs. My partner and I both said that we learned so much about ourselves and um we're taking better care of ourselves and it gives us the room to take better care of our son and to understand him better. And um