The infinite monkeys theorem is a mathematical concept stating that an infinite number of monkeys typing randomly on typewriters for infinite time would eventually produce any given text, including Shakespeare's works. However, this theoretical concept faces practical challenges: the monkeys would need to type the exact sequence of characters with perfect accuracy, including punctuation and capitalization, and the probability of achieving this specific outcome remains infinitesimally small even with infinite trials. The debate between Karl Pilkington and Ricky Gervais illustrates how mathematical probability can differ from intuitive understanding of randomness and the practical limitations of theoretical models.
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Karl Pilkington Thought Monkeys Could Write Shakespeare 😭 | The Ricky Gervais ShowAñadido:
104.9 XFM. Uh, you all right? This is Carl, uh, producer of, uh, Ricky Jace and Steve Merchant. They're not about today. Rick is on holiday. Uh, Steve couldn't be bothered. So, um, I'm left here with all the dats. Uh, that's a digital audio tape. Uh, of all the, uh, of all the shows they've done since we've been here over the last, I don't know, year and a half or something. So, uh, we'll play you some of the best bits. All right. So, uh, here's the first bit.
Listen, still to come, right, we've got, um, the the monkeys thing.
>> Oh, Chimp Panty that.
>> And when I was out last Sunday, right, at Johnny's birthday party.
>> Yeah.
>> Steve was there.
>> Yeah.
>> Got talking about stuff. Um, and a debate that we didn't really finish cropped up.
>> It blew your mind, didn't it? Amazing.
>> Oh, I know about this. Steve told me this is the uh infinite amount of monkeys um or a monkey with a typewriter and an infinite amount of time would eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare.
>> Yeah, >> there was no debate. It's a philosophical mathematical problem.
There's no debate. It's true.
>> It won't happen.
>> No. Listen, Carl, listen. Infinity sorts it all out for you, right? An infinite amount of monkeys at a time, right? They would do they do everything. They type everything. Infinity just sorts it all out for you. There's no get into it and they're going, "Oh, well, let's have a look what they've done." This one's come close. Did Romeo and Julop It would do it all. It would type everything ever possible conceivable.
>> Yeah, it's a it's a mathematical.
>> We heard your side of the argument.
>> And I'll be honest with you, it's a persuasive one. But let's hear Carl because he heard about this in a pub last week. Well, you've got some strong problem with it. What's your problem with it?
>> Well, first of all, right, you're saying it's a load of monkeys. It's not just one monkey that's can live forever.
>> No, no, wait, wait, wait. It's either a chimpanzeee with a typewriter with an infinite amount of time. He would eventually by definition mathematically type everything ever possible. Okay. Or it's an infinite amount of um uh chimps with typewriters and one of them will type it first time. But already that's that's sort of that's not right. You either need to have >> what you mean employment laws mean it's not right. Let's hear him out.
>> If it's one monkey >> Yeah.
>> with a typewriter that's got loads of ink in it and that right at least it knows what it's done in the past.
>> Don't keep going.
>> If you got a load of monkeys it's like it's like if you have too many What's that saying about too many chefs?
>> Too many chimps boil the soup.
>> Right. Well, it's the same thing. It's like, well, I didn't tell you to put salt in it. I was going to put salt in it, and it messes it up. Whereas, if it's just one, they know what's gone on.
So, what I'm saying is I can't be bothered. This blows my mind. He doesn't know what this does to me. It's a mathematical problem.
>> I want to hear the rest.
>> Well, it's just I just don't think it will happen.
>> What do you mean you don't think it'll happen? Infinity works it out for you by definition.
>> Well, what's stopping them typing the same thing again?
>> They would. They in fact the problem should be if you had an infinite amount of time that um it would type it work to Shakespeare an infinite amount of times and everything else an infinite amount of times but you know that's not that's just that's that's not as >> but not not Shakespeare.
>> OH SHUT UP YOU IDIOT.
>> RICK, DO you know what he said to me? I said to him uh I explained it to him. I said you've got an infinite number of runs, infinite number of typewriters.
They will type the complete words of Shakespeare. He said, >> "Have they read Shakespeare?
>> You're an idiot. Play I'm not having this conversation. I'm not having it.
I'm not having it cuz it really really winds me up."
>> But you're saying they'll do it with no spelling errors.
>> Well, they do it they do it an infinite amount of times and they do it they do it wrong an infinite amount of times and they do it and they spell uh the last full stop uh wrong an infinite amount of times and they do it and they get one thing wrong in Hamlet wrong an infinite amount of times. They do everything an infinite amount of times.
>> But are they going off a story THAT THEY GET RECORD CUZ I'M GOING TO KNOCK YOU OUT.
>> I'M JUST saying shut up.
>> Do they know the story?
>> Oh, >> they're monkeys.
>> Oh, Christ. Okay, shut up.
>> Right. The cure obviously.
>> Right. Carl's been taking phone calls for these clues. Right. And so everyone's been saying the same thing for the last one. He's been going, "No, no." And I'm worried. I'm always worried. FD. I just overheard him on a call there going, "What have I been saying?" Oh, now it's FP.
[ __ ] Right. Give me the clues out.
It's a roll. Right. Tell people that's We're really sorry to anyone who would have got that right. Okay. Right. Do the clues quickly. Tell them it' be a rollover. So, we have to do three new ones.
>> Do not write these down.
>> Such a I don't write the answers down in case Ricky looks over the thing and sees the answer.
>> Why would I cheat? I'd rather you do something right with your life.
>> Right. Well, the clues were I've got three other jumpers like this one. That was FT.
>> Yeah, >> they got that four tops.
>> Yeah, that's all right. Good. Well done.
>> That bunch of people can't make up their minds if they want to sit in the sun or not. That was C. They were getting that.
That was charlatans. Charlatan, right? A bunch of them. Charlatans, right?
>> What? What?
>> What's Charlie?
>> No. No. It's like shall go out. Shall we? Charlotte Tans. They got it right.
where I went wrong with this one. Uh the Jamaican fella, he had to have some aspirin. Why? Um it my fault, you know.
I'm not I'm not there's no point passing the book or anything. Um I said FD. A lot of people were saying uh Fred Durst like for Ed, which is a good thing.
>> Yeah. Which would have been as good as any of yours, >> but I made an error. So we'll roll it over.
>> No, no, no. What is the answer?
Jamaican fellow. What? Add some aspirin.
Why do that? What's the What's the thing?
>> FP.
>> FP. It was free the pain.
>> Free the pain.
>> Free the pain.
>> Free the pain.
>> Free the pain.
>> That's awful.
>> You've got to write these down, Nick.
This is >> You're the producer.
>> I know. I know. But I've had a busy week, haven't I?
>> An excuse.
>> That isn't an excuse.
>> Our excuses. We don't We have We don't care.
Yeah, you do that working and then make a mistake.
>> Yeah, it's it's I mean it's better not to try than try your hardest and be rubbish.
>> Do you see what the point we've got? We don't care. But you've got standards.
>> Yeah. And you're not meeting your for think of that. You're not even reaching your standards.
>> God. Right. Well, that's that. I guess the prizes will be uh giving those away next week. mixed again >> just completely >> song for the ladies to end the show with. It's from Nick Cave's new album Noctama. This is a track called He Wants You back next week.
>> Remember Free the Pain?
>> Uh an email from Suzanne talking about your tea that night. Was Suzanne out on Wednesday night?
>> Was the uh an England game or something?
>> Yeah. So you you were alone. You were home alone where you went tonight?
>> Yeah.
>> Did you enjoy your meal? Was it was it a kiche?
>> Go on. Right.
From Suzanne to Carl.
Take the kiche and put it on the baking tray. Cook for 30 minutes on 190. Take lettuce and put on plate. Take three tomatoes. Wash and chop into quarters.
Place on lettuce. Take an avocado. Chop in half. Remove the stone.
Peel skin and slice. Place on salad. Put salt and pepper on and a dribble of olive and balsamic vinegar dressing.
Right. In brackets, small bottle behind the cafetier in case he's reaching for bleach.
That's it. She had to put everything else away. Right. Then sprinkle a smidge of parmesan on top. Remove keys from oven. Cut into quarters and put on plate. Eat.
>> Oh wow.
>> Does she have to do that every single time? She's like, >> "No, it's just that I'm not that good at cooking." Right. Um, and to be honest, that that was a lot of hard work. I didn't bother warming it up.
>> And I did without the avocado.
>> WHY? WHY?
>> TOO MUCH MESSING ABOUT.
>> He didn't EVEN DO THAT WITH INSTRUCTIONS. IT WAS TOO MUCH.
>> You know, I'm not that I'm not that good at cooking. And >> did you gen That's not cooking though, is it, Carl? That's >> a kiche. That's cooking. It is making the kiche. Yeah, but I'm I'm just kind of >> Do you could you have figured that out?
She left that note for you.
>> Why did she have to tell you what the olive oil and and balsamic vinegar was?
>> Because I've I've I've put sort of cooking oil on me food once and I said, "It's a bit >> It's ever since right years ago.
>> I'm going to die."
>> Years ago, >> LEAVING MR. MCILL at home. It was it was ever since I put sausages in the toaster that uh I nearly set the point cuz do you know like when you're grilling food in a pan and all that?
>> Yeah.
>> Sort of sausages spit and it goes everywhere doesn't it? And it makes everywhere greasy >> in the toaster.
>> So I thought well just want to warm them up.
>> Yeah.
>> Bung them in the toaster.
>> Yeah. What happened?
>> She suck and caught on fire. I imagine >> she Well, she came in just as I was sort of plunging it and came in from work.
What you doing? What? You That's what I'm sausages. Well, the oven isn't on. I know they're in here. Well, you turn it off. They're panicking and that.
But I've never been into it. I know we're into cooking and school and stuff.
I didn't bother. Oh god. Oh, every time Suzanne comes home, she must think, "Please leave the house still there.
Please, please not let me hear a fire engine as I come around this corner." Oh god. She comes. Oh god. Thank god. I bet she's always happy to see you when she gets over and you haven't burned the place down or introduced some howler monkeys or something. Um, >> what I find it's funny is there are people who are in sort of care in the community who don't need instructions on how to prepare for >> Oh, they can do it. Yeah, you show them once.
Whatever you do, don't put sausages in the toaster, Johnny. Do you know what I mean? They don't put sausages in the toaster.
>> They put their fingers in.
>> All right. This is Carl, the uh producer of Richard and Steven Merchant on XFM 104.9. We're playing out some of the best bits. Hope you're enjoying it.
Here's another one.
>> Can I just ask Con how you got on over Christmas? Cuz the last time I spoke to him, you hadn't bought a present for your girlfriend. I had I was on Turks all Christmas. Well, you changed it after that show. I felt bad even though I shouldn't have done because >> because you hadn't bought your girlfriend a Christmas.
>> Yeah. I said to you, I booked a table at a hotel in Covent Garden. Had Christmas dinner there, which was nice, right?
>> It's good food and everything. Um, >> didn't feel like enough to me.
>> Well, then I went out and treated some stuff. And then >> No, no, no. The a couple of days before Christmas, he went uh I took Suzanne to the hotel we're going to go to for Christmas dinner. We had tea and cakes.
And I went, "Oh, you treated her?" He went, "No, she paid for it, but I was just showing her what it was going to be like. That was her extra treat. She paid for it.
>> I love that. Brilliant.
>> Yeah. Well, it was a beer. It was like 150 quid for a meal for two, which is pretty dear. So, I'm not going to buy her cakes as well.
>> I love that.
>> All right, love. Have anything you want?
You pay for your own pudding. I'm not mental.
>> So, you But so you you did you treated her to some other stuff?
>> Yeah. Some bits and bobs. She bought she chose them and you paid for them.
>> What? The presents?
>> Yeah. Well, you chose them and she paid for them, but you know, it's the cat.
>> I think I got them on the way home that Saturday. Well done. Chopped.
>> Well, just some bits. It >> might be personal, Steve. Well, I don't care.
>> Just some bits.
>> Leave out the personal bits. What? What bits?
>> Uh, just little things. And then yesterday, right, >> a monkey wrench and a new washer for the shower?
>> Yeah, some recordable CDs that you need for your job.
>> Oh, now when you gave those prisons to her, did her face light up? Right. I don't want to tell you what they were, right? But she wasn't that impressed.
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL US WHAT THEY call us what they are.
>> You even know what they are. She told you on Christmas day.
>> Hold on. Wait a minute.
>> But it doesn't matter what they are.
>> It does matter what they are. It doesn't matter. Call. It's you, mate. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
>> OH GOD.
>> HE JUST REMEMBER.
>> YEAH.
>> RIGHT. BUT don't need I've got to tell him, Carl. I I really I really want your permission cuz I don't want to be a You know, I know it's not. But we know it's not that embarrassing. It's really quite sweet.
>> Yeah. But in a way, right, the way I look at it is, right, Christmas, even when I was a little kid, right, it's not >> Please let me tell him, Carl.
>> Well, let me just tell you first though, let me tell you why I didn't go all out on the old present front.
>> Justify yourself.
>> Right. First of all, I've covered it up since then anyway, >> right, with that present. Because I bought her some shoes yesterday and she did say, "I'll give you the money for them." But when I get home, I said, "It's all right." I said, "You can have them." Right. So, so not only not only did I buy her some food on Christmas day, I got my shoes. She's probably had a >> feel like a horse.
>> It's not like, "Yeah, there you go.
There's your shoes. There's your food."
Right. Bed down. See you later.
>> Yeah. But what I'm saying is fed and clothed.
>> Yeah. Did you Did you comb her hair?
She's done well this year, right?
>> So, the thing is, she has done well this year. It's like you're a single parent living on a council estate with a smack problem and you still managed to buy some of Lego.
>> When I was a kid, >> it wasn't about what you got. I remember one year when I was about 8, right?
>> Oh, it's going to make me crying at this.
>> No, it's not. I'm just saying the way it is, right? I woke up at about 4:00 in the morning and I was like, "Oh, what got I couldn't sleep. I was that on edge." It's the excitement of Christmas, isn't it? It's like, "Oh, what's wrapped up? I need to know." And it's the fact that people are saying no, you won't know until tomorrow.
>> Ann went, right, I know now. I went back to bed, had a great sleep.
>> Yes.
>> Right. So, it's nothing to do with the excitement of what you get. It's the excitement of not knowing what you've got.
>> And then what happened when you got up to go down with?
>> So, what Hang on. So, what you're saying to me is that you could wrap up a brick because the thrill of Christmas is in hoping and being excited about what it is, not the actual gift itself.
>> Yeah.
>> Is that Is that what you did? Did Did you get a brick?
>> No. Let me tell you now what he got. He got her a present, right? And she said she came. I said, "Yeah, he got me."
It was It was an industrial sized packet of condoms.
>> It was a joke gift.
>> No, it wasn't a joke. It wasn't even a joke.
>> I went home that Saturday after pass boots for Max.
They were on like some value, >> right? You You passed the >> makeup. You passed all the other makeup.
Pass the lovely vanity cases.
>> Yeah. The foot spars.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. How much are these? Love for 100?
>> Yeah.
>> $4.99.
>> Yeah. Do I get them reduced if I buy in bulk? So, how many did you buy? What was it?
>> I don't know. Probably about 100.
>> Right. Okay.
>> And is she allowed to use those with anyone?
>> Did you wrap them?
>> Can she just They're already wrapped, aren't they?
>> Oh, and then what did she say when she opened them up? Wait, wait. What? Play a record and we'll come back to this.
>> You're worse than my father. That's genius.
>> What do you make of the first genetically modified baby? Oh, are you worried about this?
>> Do you do you know what did they do?
What?
>> Let me see what it says here. It says >> it just choosing choosing the you know eye color.
>> This is this is this is the concern, isn't it? That in the future you'll be able to decide whether it's a boy or a girl, what how intelligent it is, what it looks like, is it handsome, is it ugly? Obviously, no one will choose an ugly baby and so on and so on and so on.
And so it means that you know where will it lead? Where will it end? Carl, are you concerned?
>> I've thought about this a lot.
>> What will those three look like in the future if they're being you know genetically modified people? What will be we be like? How will we be considered in society?
>> But we've talked about this before, haven't we? About uh the cloning thing.
Yeah, that's a bit weird.
>> But um >> I don't think it matters because at the end of the day, right, you might look like some other kid. But it's the way you've brought that you brought up that will change your features and the way you are, you know, your personality.
>> If you lie, you get a long nose, don't you?
>> Well, no, but listen, right, cuz I remember when when we, you know, I was growing up on this estate.
>> This is going to be good. Go on.
>> No, no, it's not. It's just an example of how this doesn't work. So, so we don't need to worry sort of thing.
>> Okay.
>> So, I'm growing up on this estate and there's a there's this woman about 4 hours down, right? It's bit rough.
>> All right.
>> Didn't fancy her.
>> Oh, god. No. Right. But she had a baby.
>> Well, tell me about her first. I'm interested in this woman. What was she?
>> It was a very man in a dress.
>> I didn't grow up in a posh house or anything. I'm not saying that if you live in a bit of a rough house, you're a bad person.
>> What does she look like?
>> But anyone can clean up.
>> They're like Tony Green with a [ __ ] on.
They didn't clean up much, right?
>> Oh, >> which even if you've not got a lot of money, you can still try and make the place look nice, right?
>> But she didn't. And a kid used to take a horse into the house.
>> Sorry. Wo wo wo wo. Yeah. Whoa, Ned.
Whoa, Ned. What do you mean? A kid used to take a horse into the house.
>> Where did they get a horse?
>> Must have nicked it from somewhere.
>> Must have.
>> I see you horse. Is that from outside the saloon around the corner? cuz he just tied that up with a bit.
>> Oh, that's great. Big Jake for it.
>> So, let me get this. This was before the lynching stopped OR >> where did he get a horse from? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE MUST HAVE NICKED IT? HE'S GOING TO SAY, "WHERE'D YOU GET THAT FROM?" I bought it. All right, then. But keep it out of the kitchen. I don't want you going cuddling rustling.
Where did he get a horse from, Carl? And how long did he have it for?
>> Was he leading it or riding it? Mom, open the door. I can't stop.
>> Can't stop it. The patio door as well.
Looks like we got us a runaway.
>> What do you mean?
>> I don't know. But the thing is they couldn't afford to buy one cuz they're not cheap. So, I'm just guessing. Maybe that's wrong of me, but I think >> he had a horse.
>> Yeah. Right. So, >> that's why the family didn't have any money. They'd spend it on the horse.
>> That's what I'm saying. I don't think they would have bought it. So anyway, >> it's always the whisper car in case they're listening.
>> Yeah. And they could be in the room next door.
>> Buying it. It's keeping it as well.
>> So So I was like in the car with me dad coming into the avenue and you used to have to drive down it to turn round and uh >> and you know sort of go back to to our house.
>> You had the traditional method of transport. Okay.
>> And uh the horse was in the lounge >> reading a paper >> just just like walking around.
>> God.
And when I when I was doing I tried to earn myself some money once by flogging little flowers in in plastic cups.
>> What? This is genius. It just keeps coming. What do you mean you're trying to flog little flowers?
>> What do you mean?
>> Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's play a record. Let's play a record and come back to just unravel and unravel. It's going to go for hours. Let's play deeper and deeper. It's like, isn't it?
>> We've created a whole world here where there's a man living with a horse >> just walking around the lounge.
>> I come from the West Country like that.
And I just think OF A BIG SORT OF like orange carpet and it's got a a red diffusion telly and this horse going I'm fed up in it.
>> Exactly. This is really >> I'm not taking the rubbish out again.
>> Yeah.
>> Right. Play a record. Let's have we got that.
>> Yeah. The classic from the first album.
Uh I'm waiting for the man. Let's come back to the horse in a second.
>> Little flowers in pop. What do you mean?
>> Probably you're thinking, Rick, um isn't it time that we do our usual roundup of what's been happening in the news? Yeah.
Which we always do every week. We always do something which is I mean basically if you're listening and you're a new listener say you work at a newspaper we always try to be informative just try and put stuff out there that just educates people inform >> what you thinking well I said monkey news is coming up but what have you got >> No just looking on the net there I just found a couple of quite important news stories probably worth mentioning um policeman caught photographing I don't know why it makes me laugh it's just the phrasing I suppose it's a headline policeman caught photographing up woman's skirt >> he wasn't up there taking a picture of Big He wasn't going, "Can I just sit up here? I'm just going to take a picture of that that seagull over there." No, >> he was facing the camera up a woman's skirt.
>> He was indeed right.
>> A policeman in Japan is facing disciplinary measures after he was caught photographing up a woman's skirt with a hidden camera while on duty. Uh the 42-year-old sergeant, who's not been named, used a digital camera to secretly snap the shots when the woman was reporting a stolen bicycle. So, he was actually he was actually doing his proper job. He'd obviously thought to himself, I'll bring him a digital camera today. On the off chance, a beautiful woman comes in to report a crime or robbery. I'll have it ready. I'll have it positioned, you know.
>> Yeah.
>> In such a way. But this is interesting.
This is how he got caught. Okay. The woman became suspicious after she saw a flash go off.
>> Brilliant.
>> I mean, this >> not a secret at all.
>> Sorry. Did I just see your shoe? Your shoe just seemed to just bring life. It was light. There was light.
>> I've had some set fire some magnesium.
Well, it's only you and I in here and your shoe was just suddenly lit.
>> Why you stand like that? Why is your shoe just sort of like between my feet?
>> There's no reason to stand just where what did the bike look like? Flash.
>> Are you taking pictures of my me? No, no, no. And now I'm not. And you should be wearing knickers anyway.
>> Well, how do you know that?
>> What?
>> How did you know? I'm not >> How did I know what >> the I'm not wearing any >> I didn't know you. I don't know what you've got up there.
>> Oh, >> I don't know what it looks like and I never There's no way I could.
>> Course that would be it would be the roughly that conversation in Japanese.
>> I know. Yeah.
>> All right. XFM wanted 4.9 Ricky Jav Steve Merchant Carl Bton not here. Uh it's the best of you've been voting in all week sending you emails. So here's the clips that you wanted.
>> So then I was thinking right imagine like going to the doctors and he's saying yeah everything's all right your art's good and everything but >> your art's good. What your Larry is or >> Yeah, your heart you're you're in good form and what have you. It's good news.
You know I had J in earlier he's not looking good.
>> But you're you're all right. But your hands need to come off.
>> But that's bad. I get a SECOND OPINION INITIALLY.
>> GOD.
>> BUT I BETTER GOOD NEWS. I've got a nice pair of feet I can sort you out with.
And he puts them on. And then I was thinking, right, first of all, washing up. What would that be like?
>> Steve, >> that' be tricky.
>> And then the second thing was it'd probably ruin sort of the shape of your jumper. cuz you had to keep putting the feet with it. Yeah.
>> And then I thought but I could still cycle in.
>> Okay.
>> To work.
>> You could run in.
>> Well, that's the thing.
>> You'd be like, you'd be really fast for >> Well, that's what I was thinking. I thought I could still cycle cuz I could balance. And then I thought, but the only thing is I probably couldn't pull the brakes.
>> Uhhuh.
>> Because of little short things.
>> Yeah.
>> And then like you, I thought, but then again, you running in half the time. So that's what was going on in last night, >> right?
>> That's what I was thinking about. Did you Did you >> How long did this take?
>> Well, how long does it take to wash up?
>> Right. Cuz I imagine you just being there for like all night.
>> Probably 25 minutes.
>> How long did the little Chinese fella dance for in his pants?
>> He's always doing it. Last night he was at it for like 10 minutes.
>> Just Yeah.
>> And his girlfriend never sits in the same room as him. She's always sat in the bedroom.
>> She's going you you dancing pants again.
I go in next door.
>> Well, she was in the bedroom. She's always in the bedroom. Sat on the floor on the mobile phone all the time. Yeah.
It's weird how people's lives are just like it is like that groundhog day thing. It's like, you know, he's jumping about in his underpants. The old woman's sat there reading a book.
>> Yeah.
>> And that's what got me thinking about my life. Do >> you think Are you sure she's not dead?
>> Every time you look down there, she's just flicking. She's just reading this book. The pages never turn. She never seems to finish it.
>> She never moves from her chair.
>> Are you sure? Are you sure the Chinese girl are dead around her? I >> I'm going into next door again. That little rounded fell's looking in. He's looking in at me. The bouncer goes, "Don't worry, love. I'll go and beat him up." But he's always getting ready.
>> That's true.
>> They They see you staring at and watching out going, "I could have feet here." And they get scared. The old woman's dead.
>> Okay.
>> Can you tell us roughly which neighborhood you live in? So, so that we know.
>> It's central.
>> Central, is it?
>> Yeah.
>> Wow. Imagine if that little Was he a Chinese fellow, did you say?
>> Yeah.
>> Imagine if he was listening now. I'd love him to call in and explain his actions. Well, he he might be on some other radio station talking about a lad who's always washing up and looking at his hands in a mysterious way.
>> But do we have this doctor? This doctor that would go, "Well, all right. I've got you could either leave him as stumps or I've got a little pair of feet." Why?
I mean, I told Jane this and Jane went.
Is that the only choice? Is he can I have some dead man's hands? Have you got any If you Where do you get the feet from? Where do you get the feet from?
Can I have Can I have What would you rather have then? Human feet or monkey paws?
>> Well, I mean, that wasn't an option last night. If the doctor said >> No, it was an option last night. But don't forget, it's in your head, Carl.
This didn't happen.
>> Listen, I'm just saying at the time that's all the doctor had to offer.
>> But, you know, it's your head. You can go anywhere. No, no, no. It wasn't a real doctor to offer. It's in your head.
You can go anywhere. You're not trapped.
>> Yeah, but if you can do anything, then you'd say, "We'll sort us out some other hands." Fair point.
WE GOT to come back to this.
>> Okay. Okay. Um, it's not his fault. Let me have It's not his fault. You got to save this. This has got to teach me something. It be an interesting story.
>> No. It's not his vault. This fella >> what year? 18 times >> in I'd say in the 70s.
>> Okay. Would you any evidence for that?
>> And uh >> does he wear flares in the uh in the story? Is that your reason?
>> No. It's it's a bit like Yorella this fell right where He's electric.
>> He's electric.
>> And um if he walked past the telly, the telly would fizz.
>> Uhhuh.
>> If he walked past the radio, it all goes like that.
>> His hair stuck up all the time.
>> And he'd be having a bath and everything would be all right. And then the power would sort of switch on in his body and the electric in his body made him jump out of the bath.
>> So what do you mean? So what is that? So what does that so mean? You've given us nothing. You've given us nothing.
>> You'd have to at least give us the scientific explanation.
>> Yeah.
>> Electric eels have 400 volts in them.
>> Oh, is this the running away again?
>> What was that one called?
>> Yeah, but they but it's not his vault.
>> But there's a reason they that not his fault. It's not his fault.
>> I thought it was going to be something about >> I think we should I think we should do these the other way around. I think you should tell us the story and then we'll hear the pun.
It's not his fault.
>> IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
>> RIGHT. Let's leave it. Forget it.
>> Ricky doing it. We're not doing it.
>> No, we are.
>> This is a bit easier, but I still think it's a good one.
>> So, this is uh we should explain what this is if you just tuned in.
>> It's a one of those stupid lateral thinking problems >> that Carl himself has created.
>> Yeah, that was his homework.
>> Right. This one um it's a fella. He he has a normal day doing doing stuff.
Nothing wrong with him.
>> And >> it's the twist in the towels. It's just like towers the unexpected. Just a normal day. Nothing wrong with him. Hold on, though. He's got the legs of a fish.
>> Go on. That's why he's been hiding his legs.
>> He does his >> the legs of a fish.
>> So, he can't carry on.
>> He has his working day and that and then he gets a bit tired.
>> Um goes to bed. He puts the light on, >> leaves it on, goes to bed. Oh, that's crazy. That's mental. I can't think what's happened. Anyway, here's Radio Head.
Uh, right. Okay. What? The question is, why does he put the light on when he's had a normal day? He's come home from work.
>> Is that right? He's coming home from work or he's not been working. He's just been >> No, he's been working stuff. I think >> you think you've made it up, Carl. You can decide.
>> Um, >> so the the question is why has he put the light on when he's asleep? There's a reason that he's put the light on when he's asleep.
>> Has he gone to sleep? No, Carl, don't shrug. You're meant to answer these questions.
>> He He put the light on before he went to bed.
>> Yeah. And the And the question you're asking me is why? What's the scenario?
>> And the lights on and and that but he's gone to sleep.
>> Yeah. He started reading and then he fell asleep.
>> Um No.
>> Did he intent? So he intentionally for some reason put the light on >> every night. It's mad. Sounds mad.
>> That does call doesn't it?
>> Every night he does it.
>> Yeah. He puts the light on.
Oh, is the point of this the he puts the light on for a very good reason.
>> Not for us, but for some people, >> he's blind and it's always been on and he thinks he's turning it off, but it was on in the day and he thinks he's turning it off, but he's turning it on cuz he's blind.
>> That'd be stupid.
>> That works.
>> No, that works great, Rick.
>> Yeah. Thank you, Carl. So, you got to come up with >> Hang on. It's blind. Why would you put a light on?
>> No, he thinks he's off. Yeah, >> but why would he turn it on anyway?
>> Just think so he doesn't get burgled so people know he's in cuz he can't see him. So he just like he puts the light on when he's there, then he turns the light off when he goes to bed. So people think it's fine, but he's he's got it out of kilter. And actually he's he's he's walking around in the dark all day.
>> I don't believe that if you're blind, you turn your lights off.
>> I don't think you'd be on your own.
Would you?
>> I'm not having that for a second.
>> Blind people live on their own. I'm not having that for a second. Well, some people do. Lonely blind people live on their own. No, if you if you like if you got bad eyes >> and even women any there any blind women who LIVE ON THE PAVEMENT?
>> NO, I MEAN IF you know of some blind women 700 800 1 2 3 4 we've gone through this. If you are a blind woman with with with no standards and you don't care annoying voices and smell.
>> Yeah. Then get in touch with you.
>> Yeah. I mean you've got to be within the ages of say 25 to 65, >> you know. Well, call it 75.
>> I see it. You see what I know? Go on. If you were blind, would you live in London? Because someone said yesterday there was one struggling outside in Leicester Square. And I don't understand if you were I mean, you know, might have been a tourist.
>> But why come to London if you if you're blind? It's the worst place in the world to come if you're blind.
>> Hear the sights.
>> To hear the sights.
>> It's a bit mad, isn't it?
>> Well, they have the same They do the same job.
>> They have tourist needs like anyone else.
>> Yeah.
>> No, but it sort of stinks. and you'd go away going, "Oh, it's not that good." I just thought I I thought thought it was a bit weird.
>> Well, never mind. You're concerned for the the partially sighted or sight impaired people coming to London. Get on with this.
>> Yeah. Um so, yeah. So, there he is.
>> Yeah.
>> Like, oh, a bit tired.
>> Yeah.
>> Just put the light on to bed.
>> Yeah. So, he turns the light on and he goes to bed.
>> Yeah. Should we Should we um Should we play a He's not He's not He's not sleeping on the job. He's a lighthouse keeper.
Well done. If you like >> That's not it, Carl. There's a lighthouse keeper, >> right? Why wasn't the light on all the time?
>> It's light in the day.
>> You idiot. Play a record.
>> What? Play a record. You're a buffoon.
>> No, actually the lights the light is on in the day, is it?
>> No, it's not.
>> I think you're the buffoon.
>> Yeah, >> Carl has won.
He had some Germans laughing at him on the tube cuz he recognized him.
>> I uh >> you think of that cuz I obviously Ricky doesn't travel on the tube anymore. He's too rich for that.
>> I never did. I always thought it was beneath me.
>> Sure. But uh >> you used to walk everywhere, didn't you?
>> Yeah. But I was still forced to uh I was still forced to take the tube and sat on the tube and uh it pulled up and outside the window just happened to be on the station was one of the posters with us.
So I was kind of there not realizing it was buying me and these these big kind of fat German or maybe Bavarian guys uh got laid hoes and eating sausages they were Bavarian. Yeah, we were. And uh and I noticed one of them kind of looked at me and then looked at the poster, then looked at me, just just happened to say it and witted something to his friend in German. You know, I don't want to try and do an impression.
>> Freaking goal.
>> I think that No, no, no, no. But you I know what you're thinking. It means it doesn't mean that, >> right? Okay. It means a rough translation.
>> Elegant boy, >> right? Okay. Yeah. And so anyway, goal eye. He pointed out the poster and uh and his >> that's lanky piss and streak >> and his mate burst into laughter and uh and then we >> got a great sense of humor with the German. That's the thing.
>> But we rumbled on to the next we rumbled on to the next station and the poster was in exactly the same place and this time they tapped the shoulder of someone else on the train and pointed me out and that person also >> an Italian.
Yeah, there was a French was there a boat with a bare head and a little mustache on the other side.
>> Yeah. Was the United Did you get on the United Nations Express?
>> Just Oh, I imagine that.
>> Yeah, it was uh it was seen a freak.
Look at his freaky goggle eye. Right.
Where is I love the fact that before you were at least pretending to be speaking German. Now this is an Italian with an accent. It's just a guy speaking perfectly good English.
>> You've not even disguised the insult there.
>> Oh dear. Oh, that would be lovely. You got me another language.
>> You could bring Europe together if they just instead of Espiranto that there was just one common language. The language would bring us I'll tell you what would bring the Europe together is you maybe representing England on the Eurovvision Song Contest.
>> That would be great with a self- pen tune.
>> Should I do that?
>> That would be magnificent. It's got to be worth thinking >> about just about everyone being the same and like being equal everywhere, not every and but and also mentioning the euro.
>> Yeah. Yeah. He's doing that. Oh, I like all different I like all different cheeses.
>> Oh, the jatm lab music pop bell cheddar. I'm not a fluent French from >> that would be lovely, won't it? And they all be there all in a different >> Well, every line could be maybe in a different language.
>> Yeah. And what would I wear? I'd wear sort of like a kilt.
>> You wear a kilt. Um but you'd also have on your head one of those um those kind of big what are they called? those big furry hats that beef ears or whatever wear or is it called a Busby or something? A Busby.
>> Wear one of those.
>> Um and uh or maybe a policeman's helmet, >> a Bobby's helmet with the kilt.
>> You'd have I'd wear the policeman's helmet under the kilt. So, I just thought I was really enjoying the show.
>> Yeah. Yeah, good idea. Hey, >> excellent. We Well, I think we talked for about 3 minutes without having to mention some kind of genitalia.
>> We should celebrate by playing one of my tunes of the year.
>> Really? What one is it?
>> You too, Electral Store. I know you're a big fan.
>> Good choice. Well done.
>> Cheers.
>> Darkness growing on me. Love that. Love that. Love the darkness.
>> This is the best of show on XFM104.9.
I'm working with me, Steven Merchie.
>> Yes. I hope you're enjoying the best of I remember um I think all kids go through a phase of shoplifting. Well, and when I was going through it, >> um I used to just just little things just like magic markers and uh magazines, Mars bars, that sort of thing.
>> Yeah.
>> And one day, right, uh that me mate Anthony, his mom called up my mom and said, "I've got to uh I've got to meet up with you. I've got to have a word with you." And uh she said, "What about?" She said, "I don't want to talk about it over the phone." So she goes, "All right, well yeah, come around tonight then." So anyway, me mom sees me. She she don't want to be in an awkward position and like be a bit embarrassed and what have you. So she sees me and she goes, "Right, Anony's mom's coming around. What have you been doing?"
>> Yeah. So I go, "Oh god." I said, "I I've been nicking stuff." So she goes like, "What?" So not not big stuff. I've had a few calculators and Mars bars and stuff.
>> How many? I just work it out. Hold on.
>> Works out at 7.2 per day. So um >> how many calculators do you need?
So it was when that failed you failed math.
>> Everyone wanted a calculator. It was like a trendy thing, was it? Right.
>> Oh yeah. In Manchester a couple years ago. Yeah.
>> So um anyway, so I told her all this and I confessed to like >> computers will make it one.
>> Confess magic in the back of battery.
>> Go on. Confess to Nick and all this stuff. She comes around. She only wanted to borrow some money.
>> Brilliant. She really I don't like asking. I was a bit embarrassed to ask you over the phone, but can I borrow 20 quid?
>> Oh, that's fantastic. And there's me.
>> That's great.
>> Same sort of thing to your mom. And he went, "Hold on, man. You work out the interest on that. I 10%. She'll owe you £440."
>> So your mom was a lone shark.
>> And um and did did uh did she mention with your with that other Because what I'm saying is presumably you got your mate in. That's great. Anyway, should we have some more music cuz we've been waiting forever.
>> What are you going to play?
>> We've got the Cooper Temple Claus.
Brilliant.
>> And then the other thing is the one the one that I was reading the world record with the fellow who's pulling a train with his teeth.
>> Does Does that make any difference that he's done it with his teeth?
>> What do you mean?
>> Well, what difference does it make?
>> Well, isn't it? It's quite hard to pull a train with your teeth, I imagine.
>> Well, it's pretty hard to pull a train.
>> All I'm saying is is it is it because he couldn't beat the fell who's pulling it with his hands?
>> Well, this is my point. There's the I think there was one bloke with the record for the backwards running backwards 100 m was sort of like 11 and a half seconds and I was thinking turn around you'd probably you'd probably have a really good go at that.
>> Do you know what I mean?
>> It's sort of like doing a marathon with a milk bottle on your head. Take the milk bottle off and see how fast you can go with [ __ ] >> But you can just tweak it like the fell who has done the pegs on the face.
Right.
>> Yeah.
>> Um his name's Gary Stretch Turner.
Right.
>> Right. So he's sort of cheating already if he's if he's got a stretchy head, right? But but >> you are right. You are one of the most stupid humans I have ever met.
>> Well, get me in the book. Yeah.
Right. Well, listen.
So Gary Gary stretched Turner, right?
His record is 153 pegs.
>> Yeah.
>> He did it again and he only got 150 on.
So, he hasn't broke his own record, >> right?
>> But what I'm saying is if he tweaked it a bit more, would that make a new record?
>> What?
>> Well, if if he said, "I've got 150 pegs on, but at the same time as eating a burger."
>> I see what you mean. Yeah. He'd be the or record breaker for pegs and eating burgers at the same time.
>> Yeah. Just change it a bit. If you know you're not going to make it, just do something else.
>> I'm assuming the rules are set at the beginning, Carl. That's it. That's where they say, "Right, you're just going to do the pegs thing. You're not going to introduce burgers halfway through, are you?" Definitely not. And then they have a go.
>> I was on one leg, not interested. How many pegs? 150.
>> Can I just ask very briefly? I was quite interested by the family had to move cuz they lived on Butthole Road.
>> Yeah, I quite like that one.
>> Now, I I don't know if I've told you before, Rick, where I used to live. I'm not going to tell you the name of the street that I used to live on because not on air because my parents still live there and I don't want, you know, but I'm going to write it for you now.
This is the name, the genuine name of the street I used live on. Just imagine when you're at school.
>> Yeah.
>> And like in class, for instance, in French, you've got to say, they got you've got to answer where you live.
Jabit, wherever. That's the name. This is actually the name of the street we lived on.
>> No, it's not.
>> I swear to God.
>> Absolutely right. I could phone my father now and he could confirm that for me. I swear he doesn't want to God.
>> And I tell you, but listen, do you know what worries me? It's the apostrophe s.
>> I know >> because that's blatant.
>> Yes.
>> Amazing, isn't it?
>> That is incredible. Imagine how embarrassed. So, if I look that up in the Bristol, >> you'll find that in the Bristol A to Zed. I swear it does.
>> That is really Why have you never told me that before?
>> I can't believe I haven't.
>> That's embarrassed. Now, >> do you know if whenever I have to phone up, if I have to give that address, I always spell it instantly.
>> Really?
>> Like somehow that will hide it. That'll disguise the name. But I can't get over that.
>> Anyway, if you perhaps live in Tits Avenue, >> Yeah. you know or um >> Wling Drive just get in touch let us know we're not really interested >> you with me Steve and Carl Carl why have you got headache >> you got headache >> just a bit stressful cuz the moves moves on this uh this week >> oh by the way uh the exopen listeners came around to me my house and bought the uh food on the table >> did they were they happy with it >> quite normal they were well happy >> couldn't believe the look with it >> you mean quite normal what do you mean quite normal >> well it's always a bit scared is it getting getting people around.
>> I imagine they were scared.
>> No.
>> And were they excited to see you? Could they? I mean, they were, you know, could you tell that they were pretty pleased to see him?
>> No, I don't think so. I mean, >> yeah, but I the the fellas sort of I mean, they brought the whole family around, which was a bit odd.
>> Well, it's not often they get the chance to visit a living freak.
>> Anyway, they were nice.
>> Are you moving now? He said he phon me up today. You know, I was absolutely tipping it down. He had to cycle in cuz he said because of the move he doesn't want to leave his bike around there. And he said he said and Suzan I can't say this in case he's listening, can I?
>> He won't know. He said he said Suzan's hired the oldest removal man in London.
>> You should hear him.
>> And the thing is right, we booked him.
We booked him cuz everyone else happened to be booked out, but this fell's free, right? So, he called up this morning.
I've never spoke to him, but he was on the phone. He sounded about 90.
>> Yeah. God thinks that he's going to have to do all the work >> and and the thing is cheap.
>> Well, it seems he wanted some weather original.
>> Listen, you seem to be cheap because it's £50 an hour, >> but how long is it going to take him?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
So, when's the move on then? When's the He's coming around. He came around today to bring some empty boxes and he was struggling with them.
>> So, uh it actually happens on Wednesday.
>> Oh god.
>> Anyway, so um >> say you were laughing and almost had a heart attack.
>> Doesn't bode well for the boxing cough at the moment. I I've had memb.
>> What was that one you told me about with the uh with the porn? That was a good one. Oh, this was fantastic. Right.
Right. There was this there was this uh >> Sorry, can I just check now? We're just remembering classic episodes of the T.
>> No, this is this is this is important.
Well, I saw one, right? I saw one um on TS, right? And it was um uh this these two gents um uh what they used to do they look down the abituaries and they'd blackmail um the the wife or the son of a dead eminent person like might be a priest or a doctor and they'd go and they say he bought some um erotic uh um stuff from us um before he died and he owes 100 guineies and all this sort of stuff and uh and they'd pay up cuz it'd be so embarrassing. and I just didn't want them. So, I just pay him, right?
>> And this one bloke said, "Um, who are these people? I'll meet with them." And he goes around there and he goes around and uh they go, "Your father." He goes, "My father could not have bought any erotic material from you." He did. He goes, "He couldn't have. He's blind."
Right. And that was the twist. And Carl went so it was magazines, not videos then.
>> Yeah. Now, think about it, Steve. Is that so stupid?
Well, presumably it was set in olden times because people professional pornographers don't tend to call it, you know, erotic material. Yeah. They tend to call it, you know, juicy jugs or whatever. But more than that, I don't understand how a video is going to be any use to a blind person either. I know that you can hear the sound. Carl, look at you nodding like me out.
>> Yeah. What sound will you hear?
Your meter needs looking at. Yes. Cut.
What's then? What's that then? It's just noises. Occasional groans.
>> Yeah, >> right.
>> You could listen through the wall at your neighbors.
>> He does.
>> I mean, that's why I save a lot of money.
>> But I thought you were going to point out, Carl, that they could have had a braille porno. Now, have you thought of that?
Look. Feel feel the lumps on that.
>> Exactly. Think about it, Carl. Think about it. You're excited now.
>> Yeah.
>> Your girlfriend's away, Carl.
>> Yeah. The cheese is only under the cupboard. Woohoo! Now, she's a good-looking lady.
>> I would like to apologize for my son's behavior. He is a filthy little [ __ ] who's been a most of his life and treats me like a >> So, uh, Doris Stokes, right, is dressed like a dominatrix, right? And she's dripping hot wax onto the naked torso of Arthur Mullard.
>> Yeah, of course he is. Right. And he in turn is being pleasured, right, by Dusty Springfield. Oh, >> Dusty Springfield's not dead. What?
>> You [ __ ] Dusty Springfield's not dead.
>> Yes, she is.
>> No, she isn't.
>> She is.
>> Of course she's not. You You >> She's dead. Of course she's Of course she's not dead. Who am I thinking of? I don't know. Dusty Springfield's alive and well and playing with Arthur M. No, she's not dead.
>> Oh god.
>> Well, excellent. It was going so well, wasn't it?
>> Oh, >> I like the bit up until then, though.
>> Yeah, >> I like the idea of her and Malad. Well, that's all true.
>> In a farm, >> we can't do that anyway. Still here.
Can't do that on the radio talking about that sort of thing.
>> Well, I think I'll tell you what though, if we're going to pick on a dead person.
>> Yeah.
>> Why pick Doris Stokes?
>> I don't know.
>> The one dead person you don't pick.
>> I know. I know. God, >> I have to convince her she's dead. But even in real life, she'd harness the powers of the dark side. So, I really want her.
>> She like the dark side.
>> Getting on her.
>> That was her favorite. She's getting on her backs. Don't get me started on that.
>> Oh, goodness me. It's just nothing but innuendo. I don't believe it. We're in trouble now. Oh god. You should have picked someone like Siller who is dead.
>> Shandi says, "Turn it up. Earplugs are gay." Earplugs are gay.
What I say now are gay.
GET OUT THE WAY NOW. Feel the need to make my brain noise. Mother, [ __ ] The new single by Muff Shandandy. Earplugs are gay.
>> And the bloke with the um the [ __ ] mask and the umbrella said, "Doris, I'm even I'm not doing that. We're leaving it.
We're leaving it." Sorry. Um I was talking to my parents on the phone the other day and uh I started swearing and I've never done this before and it's a terrible thing cuz it's I've crossed this barrier now. I crossed this line which I previously for 23 odd years I'd managed to sort of stay the right side of. I'm talking to my mom and she mentions to me that I'm going to lose a lot of money. I don't want to go into it, but I'm going to lose a lot of money. And um and she told me how much it was £5,000 or something. She went I went effing hell. Obviously I said the the real thing now. She just stopped.
She just went pardon me.
And I thought, what have I done? I thought I couldn't explain myself cuz she didn't she didn't know that I knew those words. So I just said, uh well that's a lot of money. That got you out of it. That got me out of it.
>> Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? That crossing that step, >> it's quite a terrible thing. It's like I I mean I I look forward to the day when I can bring a girl home and say, "Look, I do know about sex."
>> Two, you can't.
>> But um when I was a kid and I first went to to senior school, I started to learn all these swear words that I didn't know. Of >> course, you can say the word [ __ ] >> right?
>> You're not meant to.
>> I I started learning all these swear words and I went home and I started using the word [ __ ] I just thought it was a slightly stronger version of twit.
>> Yeah.
>> Just is a bit tougher for some reason.
And so I used to go around saying that I go my sister would say stop ruining my Lego and I go you [ __ ] And um make your bed Steve now you [ __ ] I'd say to my mom right and I didn't realize what it meant. And my dad right he didn't really know much about swear word. So he started using it as well. He started going oh you [ __ ] Steve. Do you want to clean the bath? No you're [ __ ] And we just started using it all the time.
Right. So then at school Mark Johnson told me what it mean then. Obviously I'm stunned. I'm thinking I can't go around calling my mom a [ __ ] >> So I didn't I just stopped using it >> like that. to stop using it. But I didn't I didn't have the guts to tell my dad what it meant.
>> Oh no.
>> So he carries on using it. And until this day, we were driving along. He'll say um to my mom, "Ela, watch where you're going, you [ __ ] YOU GREAT BIG TWAT."
>> I just want to say to him, "Dad, don't say that to my mom." Cuz she knows. Oh, she knows what it means. Really? She's not going to say to him, "Oh god, Ron, would you stop saying that word?" Cuz >> Yeah. Same thing happened to me. My dad still says fouch.
>> Does he?
>> Does he?
>> Yeah.
>> Oh, felching. talking about that, right?
It's Doris Stokes. He's got this huge >> four sailors and a big bucket and like a weight.
>> Well, that's it, Steve. Is it?
>> It's the news now. Then we're out of it.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. Well, we've had a few laughs, few tears.
>> Yeah. Don't go on about it. XK 104.9.
Ricky J.
>> J. I've just thought I've just thought of a great game. All right. Um Emma, who helps us out here, she's just brought in a couple of beers for us. All right. And I know you >> I'm going to drink them after the show because um I do not drive the desk and drink.
>> Absolutely. Anyway, don't pick it up.
Don't pick it up. Okay. Right.
>> Because the thing is there's a picture, all right, on on the bottle. I don't think you've seen it yet. No.
>> Right. And I guarantee if I turn this bottle around, you This is good radio, isn't it?
>> You're going to start laughing when you see this picture. Now, before I turn it around, right, hopefully you will laugh spontaneously. Um, it's a new competition. All right. You can fract us in pictures. You can send pictures in the post. All right. Any picture which I can then during the show hold up and show to JZ. If he laughs spontaneously, you'll win a gift. You'll win a prize.
That's a great competition, >> isn't it? And great radio. They'll be laughing at the picture at home, won't they?
>> Exactly. They go, "No wonder he laughed.
Look at that."
>> Well, all right. There's simple things like that which which don't work. But the point is, >> the point is, right, >> you'll still try. Okay. Let's test it.
He's going to turn this little chubby pint of beer around, whatever it is.
>> Just calm yourself down.
>> Okay. All right. Hurry up. I want to drink it.
>> YOU READY?
>> YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. PLAY PLAY a record on your base.
>> Oh god.
>> Blur and Tracy Jax from 1965 there.
>> Sneaky little monkeys.
>> Well, um I think we've established ourselves there now, Jes.
>> As radio gods, we've come up with possibly the most enjoyable radio game in history of all things. Basically, what we want you to do is send in pictures, drawings. Is it as good as this? Jes, put it away. We want drawings, pictures, photographs. Um, okay. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to show them to Jes midway through the show. You'll never know when they might just suddenly pop up and we'll see if Jav hysterically. And if he does, you win a prize. I guarantee it. It could be that you'll win a couple of pulp tickets if we've got them to give away. It might be that you win a crate of beer.
Anything. Wherever we've got the hands, you'll win it if you can make Jaz laugh simply by me showing him a picture. Uh the address is XFM 97 Charlotte Street, London W1P1LB.
All right. And uh you can fax us of course 0171 5801234.
>> I must warn them that I really have been desensitized now because I sit opposite you.
>> Well, exactly.
>> I mean, do you know how hideous and like ridiculous they've got to be to make me laugh.
>> The pictures have got to be pretty odd.
The address XFM 97 Charlotte Street, London W1P 1LB. Apart from bad lyrics as well. I like it when um pop stars and uh marketing managers of uh record companies try and get clever with their um you know uh titles for albums and stuff. Remember um wet wet wet popped in sold out.
>> Nice.
>> Oh, lovely. Beautiful. And you know Tony Banks out of Genesis, he did his um solo project and what he had was the album there and he had Banks across the top right and using the S to start the next word coming down was statement.
>> Clevers banks. statement.
>> Oh, I was watching uh Tony >> Tony Tony Banks. Is he not the sports minister?
>> Oh, I don't know. He was in Genesis when he was younger, though, wasn't he?
>> I don't know.
>> I think so.
>> I don't know how it works.
>> Well, cuz Phil Phil Collins is minister of um shite, >> right? Um when I'm out when I'm alone, right, and Jane's out, I sort of channel stuff. I never watch a program.
>> I sit down to I think 2 minutes.
>> You shot me.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I just sort of going through and I was going back and forth between the Waltons and like the box, >> right?
>> Music television you control.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> MTV, >> VH1.
Um and uh I got a glimpse of Toya Wilcox, which I stopped obviously.
>> Yeah.
>> And um she's on one of these religious programs. I think it was on BBC 2. I don't know what it was, but it was with that bloke. Oh god, I can't tell this anecdote. I I can't stand it if I don't know the name. He's sort of like a Jeremy Paxman type thing, you know. He went to university. He was going to be a serious journalist. He wanted to be K80, but he settled for Les Dennis. Oh, one of those sort of people that was on um That's Life. No, I'm not turning it until someone phones in. Toy Wilson's on a religious program. What's that bloke's name? Then I'll tell you 01715802000.
J, have you ever watched an entire documentary all the way through?
>> You like that one, don't you?
>> Beautiful.
>> You don't. Now, New Order is your favorite band of all time, is it?
>> Yes, that's right.
>> Ah, Paul Wright called It was John Stapleton.
>> Oh, was it?
>> It was one of those, you know what I mean? It was like the the Paul Heiney, Kieran, what is it? Prenderville and Chris, all that sort of type of thing.
You know what I mean?
>> Right. So, and this was on BBC 2.
>> And it's always one of those those people you're sitting with people and they go, "Oh, I went to university with him."
>> I know.
>> And they suddenly realize it's not a proud, you know, and they just go quiet.
It's never impressive, is it? It's never It's never a prince, you know.
>> Exactly. Or um I don't know uh somebody really great and groovy.
>> Yeah.
>> It's never, I don't know, say Rick Ashley.
>> And then you start realizing that you're around someone's house and they go and he comes on and you just don't say anything.
>> Yeah.
>> And someone goes, "Didn't you go?" No.
>> No. I thought I did. It was the other one. It was Chris.
>> Did you Did you go to anybody school with anybody?
>> Michael Jackson.
>> Did you? Yeah.
>> Incredible. Yeah. Incredible. Odd that you went to school presumably in the States.
>> Well, he No, he was in Reading for a lot of his life, right?
>> Yeah.
>> Was it some kind of exchange program?
>> Yeah.
>> Mhm. Mhm.
>> We sent them um Charlie Chaplan, funnily enough.
>> Yeah.
>> Did you >> took a long time for them to get around it? You know, the Americans are like, >> "You're making this up."
>> Yeah. Um anyway, Toya is talking to John Stapleton and um I sudden suddenly realized it's a religious program straight away cuz it was a B in the church and um >> Oh, nothing gets past.
>> No way. No way. Could be archaeology is us. Um and >> wait minute. Whoa. Yeah. So people Yeah.
Toya's on some religious program. John Stapleton. Okay.
>> Okay. And I'm just flicked through. I went hold on to and he goes so it was it very spiritual. She Yes. And I realized she was talking about a wedding. She was going, "It was very, very spiritual indeed." And he said, "But no hymns."
She went, "No. Uh, we had silence instead." Silence instead. So now we will do silence number three. It's 4 and a half minutes long, so keep your gob shut. Right. And um I think, "Oh, what is she talking about?" He went, she went, "People are scared." Sorry, people are That was because you rank, right? Um she said people are scared of silence >> yet. And then she said thing is during silence there's a lot of unconscious thought.
>> What you thought that you don't know you're thinking. You said the last three and a half minutes. I didn't think a thing during that. I better plug into my unconscious to find out what exactly I was standing up for for 3 minutes going who's the women in the hats? What are we doing here? What a load of pretentious twaddle they >> Well, I've never liked her. I've never liked her.
>> Oh, she's she's all right.
>> That's all the more reason to hate her.
>> No, I don't hate her. All those all those people I just mentioned, they don't come close to Lenny Henry. I saw another bit of him doing his stand up in America. Oh god, it's so nauseating.
He's got another series apparently. Does anyone like Lenny Henry? Oh, obviously it's a massive star. Does anyone listening to this show really like Lenny Henry?
>> Yeah. Yeah. Or is there anyone that annoys me more than Denny Henry? I should answer that one, shouldn't I?
>> Do I win a prize?
>> I think what you want to do there is you want to sort of you want to speak correctly.
>> It's another simple thing. Jay, which will help you out in your radio career.
>> Oh no. Oh, swerve driver. That's 3 minutes 41. I got to pick one. 7 minutes to before you move on, can I just tell you, you know, we talked about celebrities and going to school with celebrities and things.
>> Yeah. Um, I have a very famous second cousin.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. I'm going to tell you who it is.
Who it is in a minute.
>> Really? Yeah.
>> And I've got the best joke in the world.
Have you?
>> I should have been trailing that. That would have kept them on their tender hooks. Why are they sitting on tender hooks?
>> So, we've got >> Why tender hooks?
>> I think it's tender hooks.
>> I don't know what they are, but I don't think it's okay. 0171.
Who annoys me more than Lenny Henry? No one. You've won that one, so don't bother photo.
>> But, but who annoys you, the listener, more than Lenny Henry? Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. Clever. Cuz then it's thrown it to them. It's their opinion.
>> Simple things.
>> Excellent. 01. I noticed again you you didn't bother to to give the whole phone number. What did I say?
>> You actually just said 0171.
>> It It used to be, as I recall, 01715, which is about half of it, but no, just 0171.
>> Oh, swift.
>> XFM 104.9 Ricky Jio. Well, it's nearly over, but I have got a great joke. And we've got a simple rule here that you're only allowed to tell a joke on air if it's about going into a pub.
>> That's right.
>> Okay, you ready?
>> Go on.
>> Penguin goes into a pub, goes out to the bar and says to the barman, "Have you seen my dad in here?"
And he goes, "I don't know. What's he look like?
Yeah. No, it's not bad. It's all right.
It's all right. Um, I had a similar one about something going into a pub. I think it was a a turd and a wig, but I can't remember what the punch line is.
If anyone knows 01715802000, something about a turd and a wig. Uh, Jes, I've also obviously got my celebrity relation, which I'll tell you about in a minute. That's about it then.
Yeah, we've enjoyed ourselves. Oh dear.
Bold character once drummer for Genesis is more annoying. Who's lost this for?
Smoke fish. Oh, what? What? What's this, Emma?
>> That is what >> what tent hooks are.
>> Oh, what are they? Oh, tent hooks are what?
>> It's what smoked fish are hung from.
>> Excellent. And B car that is he's more annoying than um Lily Henry.
>> Henry.
>> Okay. What's drama for? Well, that's that's Phil Collins.
>> You can't say that. Of >> course you can. I can say Phil Collins is more It's a matter of opinion, isn't it?
>> Yeah, but he said that on the phone. He said, "Please don't say that. It's a bit mean."
>> Phil Collins is a deeply boring man.
Well, I won't say that.
>> I won't say who it is who said it then.
>> Okay, >> we've got out of it, haven't we? Joe Pasquali is less funny.
>> Oh, yeah. Okay. Um, >> who's that? I mean, the point is that you can say that Phil Collins is a bold, boring man in the same way you can say Andy Peters is a raging J. Um, Jilly thinks I'm adorable, apparently. J, um, I don't think we've got time to really talk about this.
>> Okay. Um, what we what have we got to do next week? Oh. Um, we can't say who your celebrity was, but I just thought we could phone in who you think it is. I mean, I've got a few ideas who your celebrity second cousin is.
>> Your mom. Um, no. Um, Mr. Ed.
>> No.
>> Godzilla.
>> No. The point is that this is a real celebrity. So, I mean, celebrity. So, uh, you know, I'm not making it up. It's not going to be as exciting as, you know, well, it's Elvis or whatever. It's not that goofy, but it's still >> They do share some of your genetic material.
>> No, you wouldn't know it.
>> Really normal. You will. Yeah.
>> Symmetrical.
>> Good looking. A good-look person. blood reaching the surface.
>> A good looking person.
>> Really fantastic. Um, they probably denied your existence or I mean they're obviously going to deny that they're related to you then, aren't they?
>> Well, I'd say I tried to get some of their money. No.
>> Um, what else do we do? I'll send me some hideous pictures.
>> Yeah, I'll just give you the address again. XFM 97 Charlotte Street, London W1P.
>> I know. I got to go to the pub.
>> 4:00 again.
>> Yeah.
>> My computer's not working.
>> Is it not?
>> No. This all sounds funny. I got What's that one? Is that the one I listen?
>> Just press a few buttons.
>> No, I put it on there.
Desktop. I don't know what these do. Is your mic working?
>> Sorry, I got a bit of a cold.
>> Um >> Oh god, I had a big list of things to talk about as well. Did you?
>> Yeah.
>> No. Rocking from the crypt.
>> Oh, it's a good start.
>> On a rope, which is appropriate cuz we've got a little gravediggers track to play, haven't we?
>> Called Suicide.
>> It's one of my favorite tracks, Jay.
It's by the Gravediggers, but it has got a bit of bad language. Well, that's okay cuz you've played it to me a couple of times and I reckon I've got it off Pat.
I'm going to be bleeping it out live.
>> You going to do a live bleep?
>> I should say, you know, we usually have a few beers and we get >> throughout the show and I get steadily drunk, which is unprofessional. This saves a bit of time turned up pissed.
>> You turned up drunk today?
>> Yeah. So, that's I tell you what, I'll be honest with you, J. Um, you know, normally if someone gets drunk, their um their speech begins to slur. They talk rubbish. No difference.
>> That's the beauty of it.
>> That's the beauty of being me.
>> Yeah. Exactly. How drunk are you?
>> Um, I had a little bit of wine.
>> Did you? Couple glass.
>> It's a lovely I might get a little bit of melancholy. What about the little baby kangaroos have to crawl all at their moms? I help them. Got fax here for you, Steve. Actually, it's from uh um Becky. Um she's listening to us um in bed. She's been a bit lazy. Um she's been on holiday and um she wants me to dedicate a song to uh dedicated to Stinky Skanky Steve because he is an alien. Um, and she's done a little picture of you, Slimy Steve. Ain't that lovely? And she wants me to play a subtrain home sick alien by Radio Head.
Ain't that sweet? So people people do think of you. And I got one from uh Laura as I says to Steve, you still sound as stupid as ever. You asymmetrical, asexual, rabid, anemic, flee, and deformity. Oh, see you have got people thinking of you. See? Yeah.
I'd rather they didn't. Shady bird. And if you'll be mine, then I'll be yours.
And Baby Will was actually in this week with Claire.
>> Lovely, lovely man.
>> Oh, Baby R was was XFM.
>> He's very nice. Is he?
>> He's got a beak and funny little claws.
Rick.
>> I know. It made me >> Oh my god. We're desperate.
>> We're desperate, man. Rick, if you've got to resort to that kind of >> I called him Baby Bird. He went, "Have you ever been called that before?" Which is bizarre. But there's a band called Baby Bird. He's Steven.
Can you go to turn that down next door playing music?
>> Yeah, it's Emma. It's just It's not on.
>> That's That's insane. I can hear I can hear a throbb from the other room.
>> Yeah.
>> Someone's got This is insane, J. It's like having trying to host a radio show.
>> Yeah. And now he's laughing.
>> Yeah.
>> Oh, anyway. We're going to play a um a track that you've brought in.
>> That's right.
>> What is it?
>> It's a fantastic tune by the Grave Digaz, part of the Wuang Clan Rap collective. Right. It's from their album. Not to be confused with the white wuang clam. That's a little shellfish.
Yeah. That's into rap. Yeah. Swears a lot.
>> Yeah. Terrible. Yeah.
>> Um the track is >> muscle posy. The track is beautiful. You probably heard it on the dance floor.
Maybe in some 1800 suicides. Now I would stress, Rick, it has got a bit of bad language.
>> I know. I I I mean I've I've listened to this twice and I reckon I've got it off Pat. I reckon I'm going to pull the fader down to just the right places and go.
>> You're going to bleep it out.
>> And if it goes wrong, so what? You know, that's real. Well, people have a problem with swearing. I don't. Do you? No.
>> I'm doing it cuz it's rules and you know, >> you know, the quick thing about >> we want to stay on air because you know, we take our job seriously. We do. And um, you know, I think we're we're we're sorry. Excuse my French. Bloody good DJs.
>> I think you're absolutely right, Rick.
Let me shake your hand.
>> Yeah. All right. There we are. Shaking our hand there. I love a bit of rap.
>> That wasn't actually French. No, >> was it that?
>> Um, oh, pardon my French. People always say when they say, >> excuse my French, but lounge matant.
Hey, come on. language. Language um we'll be doing learning a little bit of uh uh foreign language. I've brought in um Instant Yedish by Fred Cogos. I've always wanted to learn Yiddish.
>> Really?
>> Yeah. Um Oh, nourish foolishness. Um some glick, some Schlimmon. Yeah. For better, for worse. So, I'll be I'll teach you a little use phrase that out the old instant English book. But first, what was this? Gravediggers. It's gravediggers. Um they're keeping it real. They're keeping it raw. So, there is a bit of bad language. Yeah. Well, mine's raw. You keeping it raw?
>> Yeah, it goes out. Um, right. I'm going to have a go at this then. All right.
Right.
>> Don't No, don't shut up. Right. I got to play this.
>> Shut up then. Don't put me off. I got to concentrate.
>> Bleep out live.
>> I will. Yeah. Shut up.
>> All right. Is it going?
>> Okay. Okay. Check it. All right.
>> Well done, Rick. That was very good. No worries.
That's grave dig, isn't it?
>> What's that called? 1800 suicide.
I'm going to buy it.
>> Can I get the actual mix with me going?
>> Yes, you can.
>> And that's for Steve Vox who's listening in. It's from Lee to him. Um, and Steve is the president of the Geeks, Nerds, and Losers Society, the GNL. Uh, Lee's the vice president.
>> I got thrown out of that.
What embarrassing walking down the street with you.
>> Exactly. Terrible state. Uh J, it was Saturday night last night.
>> Yeah.
>> And I didn't get till to I didn't get to sleep until 6 in the morning.
>> Flat mates having a party.
>> Yeah.
>> Not invited.
>> No.
>> Next time though.
>> Well, maybe maybe.
>> I don't know why I hang around with them.
>> Well, I you know, at least I look after you. I sort of people say to me, "Is Steve really as ugly as you say?" I go, "He's worse." Do you know what I mean?
But that's No. Do you know what I mean, though?
>> You're doing me a favor.
>> Of course I am.
>> You're protecting me.
>> Of course I am.
>> I'd say one day, right, it's just one of me at the moment, but one day there'll be a whole squadron. It'll be like Planet of the Apes.
>> Oh my god. And you don't actually need anyone else to sort of like breed, do you?
>> Exactly. We can just reproduce as we are. It'll be like Planet of the Apes, right? There'll be sort of a Charlton H figure squids.
>> It'll crash land.
>> Get your damn dirty tentacle off me.
>> It'll crash land. Yeah, exactly. And there'll just be loads of me crawling around all identical on horseback >> and they see like Bristol Temple meet and they go, "Oh my god, they blew it up."
>> Yeah. He's back in Bristol with all your Oh no. Incredible.
>> It's a charlatans. And then there must be an organization of volunteers or something who if it's like touch and go if it's really serious if you're like clinically depressed about it and you really can't get a woman they don't want just people turning up who can get girls and saying oh I fancy you know but in your case you know they they speak to you they see you and I think you know there must be some sort of national health thing or private where you can actually sleep with um I don't know a voluntary worker I mean well yeah there's You're an amazing.
>> Yeah. Yeah, I know. But there's people that um I don't know volunteer for geriatric duty, you know, and they're exploding all over the place and they're covered in the stuff, right? Um there's people that work on leprechaun, right, for you know, for nothing. There must be someone who will sleep with you out of sympathy. You don't want that. Of course you don't. You don't want that, do you?
Well, let's not be hasty, Rick. I mean, these people I mean, especially if they need some sort of free publicity, you know, get a bit of um you know, sort of press and media attention. I also sort of help to publicize their campaign.
really. There's probably an organization that go, you know, when we go, they go off to like um just strange climbs and go on to like leper islands and that and they work with them. Um or they can sleep with you. Now, that's got to do the leper some good, doesn't it?
>> Yeah. You know what I mean? Wouldn't that be terrible if that was the option, right? And suddenly volunteers to leper colonies doubled. Was like going to Torolas.
>> Yeah. Let the bus. Sorry, there's no room on the bus, but you're at the back there. weird. Well, um Well, then here we go.
>> Here I am then.
>> No, no, but I No, I Sorry. I I I signed up for the for the lepers.
>> Yeah. Um licking their wounds.
>> Well, sorry. But geriatric duty. Yeah.
Speaking it out. Oh dear. Oh, you know, I heard a song in the week, right? I've heard it before. It's by Ween and he goes, "Push the little daisies and make them calm up." And I don't know what it's called. 0171502000.
I don't know where to look. Push the little daisies that made them come up.
>> It's like that. It is >> rubbish. I've been mom going around singing that.
>> There's no song with that lyric. It's like that. It goes push the little up.
>> Shut up. Yeah. Shut up. That's what my friends been saying for the last four days. Oh, you're really irritating me.
>> Like people go on going, "If you'll be mine, not too annoying." But um after about 10 times, you go, "Oh, can you sing my house?" But when you push little, you can get really annoyed. Get really dang it. Shut up. Okay. Want to die? You and me song.
>> I wasn't exaggerating, was I?
>> Well, it's a good shoot. Yeah. Let's leave it.
>> It's great. I was just going to gag. I love that one. It's great. Maybe we should play it again. Well, maybe later on.
>> I'm not I'm not that mad about it.
Oh, I like that.
>> He's not quite as irritating uh >> as mentioned.
Who is um uh we were talking earlier about how he issue um how you look and you can't get a woman cuz you're quite nasty as well. And um Emma, our producer here, who thought this is not fair, you know, cuz you're Steve is quite affectionate when you get to sort of know like ET when you first watch ET you go and then by the end you think a do you know what I mean? It sort of like gets that deeper. And she said, she said, "Do I remind you, Steve, what I said when I first met you, and this is like her best, you know, stab at a compliment to make you feel better." She said, "I thought you're really not that ugly."
>> So, the assumption is I am ugly. It's not as bad as made >> and that's like, you know what I mean?
Yeah. And she No, don't be silly. You're really good. You're really not that.
Yeah. It was a good effort though, wasn't it? You know, that that was nice, Emma. That was really nice. It was a good effort, but um it was it was it was shallow and uh and futile. Oh, it doesn't mean anything. Look at his little face. Oh, look. Look at that fax over there.
Righty Steve skin problem closed up which actually um car particles.
>> Someone sent in a fact. Right. And they've got this sort of hideous kind of mutated um cells whatever. And they they've put on the facts to Rick.
Steve's skin problems. You've never said I've got a skin problem.
>> No, I haven't. You haven't got a skin problem?
>> I'm assuming. No, it's it's almost translucent his skin. It's very pale.
It's like, you know, those newborn fish when you can see all the hearts, can't you? All the hearts. We're in many fish.
They've got one each. Lots of fish. Lots of hearts. J, shut up. You're irritating me now. You're abusive and you're just winding me up. Oh, >> no. I'm a little bit offended by it.
>> I know. You certainly should be. But what about this this charity thing?
There must be one. 0171502,000.
Oh, that would be fantastro or per shag.
>> The whole thing, the whole event.
>> Yeah, >> it'll be a big event. You know those guys um I think it was a a hoax, but they were going to televise the first moment they lost their virginity as they were going to they were going to broadcast it down the internet. All right. And they're going to have sex on the internet live and everyone was going to applaud and watch and pay for it.
Maybe I could organize that as well.
Make a bit of money out of it.
>> Yeah. Think of the technology by then though. Incredible. They would just be able to think it, wouldn't they? And like see you losing your virginity. You and they all have big swollen heads. You might be good-looking in like the year 2090. You never know cuz it's all it you know in Bristol.
>> You're a good-looking fellow, aren't you in Bristol?
>> Good looking guy.
>> Oh, this is Bell and Sebastian. Uh the boy with the Arab strap. This is for Jim Hobs who said uh no. Um who said, "Can we hear more about Jezuk?" Well, I better tell people now. I've had a lot of factors about Jezuk. Jezuk is spelled J E Z O C. I made it up. That's how it's spelled. Okay. All right. J, you'll tell us a bit more about Jez, will you?
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've got a new I've got a whole new story line. Before you carry on, um 01715802000.
I've got some um sponsorship forms like already printed up.
>> So, just send, you know, give me a call.
I can post one to you. I will sleep with Steve or I will go on and work with a leper conly. Connelly. Yeah. Shut up.
Play a record with a beard with his legs falling off.
>> Drunken sock.
>> Gets quiet and quiet, isn't it?
>> A couple of phone calls. Rob phone and said, "Slap Steve for saying 0181 instead of 071." See, it's the singly most important thing. The number is 01715802000.
That's why you don't hear me mucking that up. You know what I mean? I apologize.
>> Um, pump Ricky with more wine and challenge him to quack over the Nowhere League. So what? I don't know. I What's that sentence again?
>> What? That was a sentence.
>> No, shut up. Um, I had something to say then.
>> You are I can your breath.
>> Shut up.
>> I can smell it on your breath for God's sake.
>> Don't Don't wor me up, man. Um, yeah, I've got this new story line for Jezuk.
Um uh I want want help with it. What what it is right I think it starts off with this uh villain right um Jez brings him in right and uh he's murdered maybe maybe a little kid or you know someone's husband the woman's there and she's terrible or you would be >> Yeah.
>> Right.
>> She has in there and she goes he goes don't don't worry um he's going to by the time he gets out um Steve will have a girlfriend. Right. She goes, "Oh, right. It won't bring my boy back, will it?" "No, but you can have one of mine."
"Um, load something." Right. Anyway, um he goes to goes to the court, right? And he's only tampered with the jury and he's a nasty piece of work.
>> Oh, not the murderer.
>> Yeah. He walks free and he sort of like winks at Jezuk on the way out. Do you think Jezuk's going to let it lie?
>> Jezuk's not going to let that villain.
What? Is he got a piece of evidence?
>> Well, no. He goes after him, shoots him anyway cuz do you know this was done? It turns out the bloke didn't actually do it. But, you know, as Jezik says, better, you know, kill innocent people and let one, you know, guilty person go free.
>> Jezik's philosophy.
>> Yeah. Yeah. And shoot first, ask questions later. You know, you don't want to be stitched up. He's got a reputation. Um, and then, uh, he gets off with a woman and they have another kid and, uh, it's all right.
>> Yeah. I'll stop you there. Why? Um, Jezuk just killed an innocent man.
He's your superhero. He's your, you know, your heroic horrible cop. He just killed an innocent man. I'm a little bit disappointed.
>> Oh, so he's got to be perfect, has he?
>> Well, I'm just a little disappointed.
>> Well, no, it can't be perfect. He's got things to do. We know. We know he's got problems. He drinks too much. He kills innocent people. You go out there every day. See, see how you survive.
>> Yeah.
>> Do you know what I mean?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> We got Mama said knocked you out lined up. It's one of our joint little favorites. We like this one and we like some other songs, don't we?
>> Yeah, cuz we're like mates.
>> I got a little plot.
>> Yeah.
>> Right. Um, >> it's Jezuk, right?
>> And he retires. He just gets out the whole thing.
>> All right. That's the final one. We've we've we've p, you know, we've pulled a discrete veil over the whole Jezuk tobacco, >> right?
>> All right. Is that okay?
>> Yeah.
>> Rick, forget Jezuk. Cuz I've got my own show. I'll be telling you about.
>> Have you really?
>> Yeah. It's fantastic.
>> Am I in it?
>> No, not really.
>> Someone's doing right. Okay.
>> It's a genuine one I've come up with.
You know this song, right? Mama said, "Knock you out." I like to like, you know, shadow box that. I'll be working out today on the big bag. Did a bit of boxing cuz I'm in training. I challenged Camp to a fight when I was pissed Thursday night. He was swaying. I challenged him to fight. I offered him £1,000 prize money. That was a purse.
Whether he won or lost, he still said no.
>> Well, he's the worst. He's about 14 or something.
>> Yeah. But he's about 6 foot.
>> Yeah.
>> Maybe he was scared of killing me.
>> Jez is not scared of that.
>> Gone. He's out of it. There might be a comeback special one day, but thank God he's work on it.
>> Well, >> that's my challenge to Canfield.
>> Knock you out.
>> Yeah. Yeah. I'm putting it out. I'm putting it out over the air. Keep it real.
>> You know, like you know, death row, Puffy and all that and Tupac, that's like me and Camfield. That's a fantastic idea.
>> I'm saying come and get it, Camfield.
I'm saying I'm here. You know what I mean?
>> That East Coast, West Coast rivalry we can recreate amongst DJs.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Steve Lac outside now. Have you seen him? He's a weedy little dweeb.
>> Yeah. You can't actually say that cuz I mean he's a nice nice guy and >> well maybe so >> yeah so you're going to fight the Mac I'm going to fight Camfield.
>> Let's keep with XFM Crowley.
>> Yeah.
>> Remember he had a fight once at school and his defense lucky he had a hbook on him and he hit the bloke in the nose with a hbook. So you don't mess with Crowley cuz he's probably carrying you know Bibles books. You know >> he's loaded. He's got some kind of religious paraphernalia with him.
>> Old parchment papers. Paper cuts are the worst.
>> Oh nasty.
>> Oh imagine that. A little bit of patus across the eyelid. Oh you don't want to mess with car. No, I'm saying come and get it. You know what I mean? He hangs out with his deaf tones and all that lot. All right. Yeah.
>> You know what I mean? Should we just ask out who should we threaten out? Who else can we threaten out? Um well, let's let's not go too mad. Well, uh what about Henry Rollins?
>> Wow.
I made an error there.
>> There are a lot of people I could have chosen. JARVIS FOR >> A LOT OF people come before Henry Rollins, don't they? Um some British heavyweight boxers, for example, you know, I'd rather fight than Henry Rollins. Um, before we carry on, before we cuz I'm going to tell you about my uh my TV idea in a minute, Rick, cuz this is an idea I've been working on. And it's serious. It's like, you know, Jezuk's got a certain strength, a certain quality. Um, and I think you'll like this as well. But before we do that, I've been sent a picture.
>> A picture's been faxed through. Exactly.
>> And it's a little challenge as ever.
It's make Ricky laugh. If you laugh at the picture I've got here, Rick, then Martin in Crouch End. Yeah.
>> He wins. Well, I thought we could give him >> I like it already. Martin in Crouch End.
>> I thought maybe we could give him the Baby Bird album. Why? Why do we We It's mine. You haven't got one. So, you've gone in here. Well, I'll give it to him.
But anyway, here's a picture. See what you think.
>> I like it. There's a little explanation as well. And it's subtle cuz I had to get right to the end for the big line.
You're not allowed to see this.
>> No. That is fantastic. So, well done. He wins an award.
>> Yeah, he does. Yeah. Yeah. So if you want to win um something tasty, give us a give us a call or us through a picture. 01715801234.
Your pictures, please. Make Ricky laugh.
>> Um you know your idea of this new show, which I haven't heard yet, right? But we should start getting together all the stuff or we're going to get ripped off.
That was I just like Albert Tatlock in the early 80s.
>> Oh, I love that fact that you you sort of maybe you've got a son who's got 15 words in you reckon. Well, if I get if I get out an average of five coherent words to every 15 that I need to say in a sentence, that'll be enough.
>> God, right? Jam or Isis, >> either one. Both rubbish.
>> Oh, now come on. They're both good big bands, aren't they?
>> All right, next. Let's talk about my my TV idea.
>> Okay, let's do all around the world cuz it's probably going to be big all around the world, isn't it?
>> Before that, the jam all around the world. Um, got a fax here from my mate Nick. He's listening. Say hello to him.
Say hello to me.
>> Hello.
>> Yeah. And apparently there's he's found a great website about Joey Deacon, so we'll check that one out a little bit.
>> Joey Deacon.
>> Oh, Joey.
>> Yeah. Um Um Rick, we've had loads of ideas, haven't we? In the past.
>> Yeah. And actually, I was wondering whether we should put out the phone number 017150.
Um the reason being that a you might perhaps want to want us to perhaps um relate an old anecdote that you once heard on the show that you have to hear again.
>> We could recreate the golden years.
>> We could recreate some of the classic moments from the show. Um and also of course we've had tens of thousands of ideas for products for services for TV shows especially and board games all kinds of stuff.
>> I mean the we've come up with one recently haven't we that have catch on sleep with me or play with lepers.
That's right.
>> I mean that that is a good service, isn't it?
>> It's an interesting show that I imagine that's Channel 4.
>> Definitely later. Later, really.
>> Yeah. And we've also, of course, most famously perhaps had the penis puppet theater.
>> Penis puppet theater. So easy to manufacture. I don't know why publishers aren't, you know, knocking on my door.
>> Yeah. A lot of other people are knocking on my door.
>> Um Ricky J's Meat Rations.
>> Oh, fun recreating.
>> Get in the queue, man. It's Ricky Jay's meat rations.
All kinds of great games to be who snort.
>> Who snort?
>> Great games. And if you I mean if you've not ever heard us describing these where you've missed out.
>> Yeah, you learn your mistake.
>> Tease penguin is probably my greatest invention.
>> The tease penguin. Can you tell us again? I forget.
>> Well, it's just a penguin. All right.
You train, you put it in a lovely little French outfit and it comes in with sort of breathe fishy breath on you and slaps her on the face with it flipper.
>> Yeah.
>> Oh. Um, Jezuk, obviously, >> but it doesn't let you go any further.
>> No, >> that's why it's the cheese penguin.
>> Yeah, I see. Um, exly Fortunes.
>> A I can see that on telly, myself.
>> Yeah, it's incredible. I don't know where you got the idea from.
>> I They just come into me head sometimes.
Do they?
>> Yeah.
>> But anyway, here's my new idea. J. It's a great show. It's It's exciting show, right? Go on.
>> It's the future.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> All right. Crime has got so bad in the future. No, that is terrible that um that there's not enough hours in the day, right, for all the cases to be tried in court, >> right?
>> Because there's just not enough time.
It's a bit like, you know, Judge Dread sort of thing.
>> So, what happens is, right, there's a night court.
>> Okay. And it comes into session at 12:00.
>> Yeah.
>> All right. And there's lots of lawyers and stuff, and they really deal with the dredge. I'm talking about the dredge, the crimes, which you think are open and shut, really. All right. the sort of stuff that Jez would just sort out, you know, with a bullet.
>> Yeah.
>> You know what I mean? We're talking rapists and murderers and stuff.
>> But people who just piss him off.
>> Exactly. But Ronny Midnight, >> Ronnie Midnight, >> he's the hardboiled lawyer, right? The the sort of the main figure at night court and he gets dealt all these rough cases, right? And he thinks he's open and shut. Everyone thinks, "Oh, that person, he should be electrocuted or whatever." But no, Ronny sees something in them. He investigates the crime during the day. So he got like 12 hours to sort it out and then he presents the case at night court right at night and maybe often it's like Perry Mason meets um >> so he wastes taxpayers money investigating people that might be innocent >> and just kills them.
>> Well maybe so that's why Ronnie Midnight's much more loved >> but it's would be great it would start off with like or rise for night court.
>> Yeah be fantastic. I like that sort of set in the future.
>> Am I in that?
>> Not really.
But and you know, who knows? Jez maybe could get, you know, he he could make a guest appearance.
>> What do you think?
>> I like it.
>> Make court.
>> I like it.
>> I Yeah.
>> What's the problem?
>> This rubbish about all this taxpayers money investigating whether they're actually, you know, >> they're in you're more of a desert kind of guy.
>> Yeah. Just shoot first. Don't even ask questions.
>> Don't It's If it's If it's times like, you know, of the essence, why ask questions? You've done, you know, what's the point? Yeah, he just like opening up old wounds, which is another favorite pastime of Jezuk sometimes.
>> And also a great idea.
>> He loves opening up old wounds.
>> A great idea for maybe a board game or a TV show. Old wounds.
>> Fantastic.
>> Oh, I'm going to work on this. Oh, and I've got tip the balance. I haven't even described that.
>> Tip the balance.
>> After Embrace.
>> Can you tell us?
>> Emma goes out with a broke in this.
>> Yeah. What's the long air type?
>> What's the tip the balance?
>> Well, Jez wouldn't tolerate that.
>> What's tip the balance?
>> It's a board game for four rugby players or more.
>> I'm looking forward to it.
>> Yeah. or the intro or people that just got no dignity left and we can get them on screen doing that. This is uh my weakness is none of dot dot dot obviously ran out of I was uh reading news world on my way and um I didn't know this you know um uh Tony Blair >> is the prime minister you know yeah Blair um his father-in-law which is Sher's dad is uh that bloke um out of death do part >> no his son >> oh about he's a I don't know. I should get this right really cuz it could be lious but it's something to do with some sort of doll cheat or something like that.
>> What?
>> Yeah. Apparently >> Cherry Bear's dad's a doll cheat.
>> Yeah, something like that. Or is claiming some sort of benefit for I don't know. But he was always the same when he was living with his dad elf.
He was married to his stuff, wasn't he?
I mean, Sherry Sher Blair's mom is >> I'll stop you there, Rick. I'll stop you there.
>> So incestous, isn't it?
>> It's fiction. I've tried to explain this to you before, haven't I? The stuff on the TV, >> a lot of it is real. Some of it's fake.
They're not really those people.
>> East Enders, for instance, that's not real. That's not real.
>> Yeah. Well, obviously I'm embarrassed because obviously that is real cuz I've seen them in real life. They were at Phoenix when we're playing football. So, that is real.
>> No, that was the actor. That was the actors.
>> Phil Mitchell was there and Ricky Butcher.
>> That was the actors. We have been through this before.
We've cuz I went through this the same day that I explained to you that it only in the cat world can you piss on an object.
>> I got a new stereo that way.
>> They just get out the shop but it was too late. I got a new stereo and it doesn't it it sort of it shorts out cuz I I actually weed in one of the back of the speakers. Yeah, but it's mine. I'll go get that.
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