Sexuality & Somali Women...

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]Today I'm starting off my bread and butter, and by bread and butter I mean the kind of videos that I absolutely love to do. My name is Dehab Leila Ali for those of you who don't know me, and for those of you who do, welcome back.

[00:00:10]In today's video, we're going to be discussing sexuality and Somali women.

[00:00:14]For those of you who don't know me, I have This is now my third YouTube channel. I know, my third YouTube channel, and as I'm calling it third time lucky. Many of you guys may know me from my first YouTube video when I used to do and create types of content just like this video. But then I realized that perhaps I wasn't being my most authentic and vulnerable vulnerable self by sharing more of my own personal experiences, and so I decided to abandon not one but two YouTube channels and finally settle on this channel, which you guys have found, and I'm so happy that you have, because I truly believe that now I'm sharing my most authentic self with you guys, and I just love this little community that we're building.

[00:00:57]But today we're talking all about sexuality and Somali women. For those of you who don't know, I am Somali, if you haven't figured it out yet, and I grew up in the Somali diaspora in London. To give you a very brief backstory, because I do have other videos where I go into this into a lot more detail, my family moved to the UK from Netherlands when I was a child. We grew up um in and around London, and then I stayed in and I only left London to go away for university for a few years, then I came back, and now I work as a journalist in London.

[00:01:31]>> [clears throat] >> Excuse me, and I love it. I love London, I love my life, I love my community, and I like making this kind of content because it's exactly the kind of content I wish that I had when I was growing up as a young girl, because representation matters in all shapes, forms, and sizes.

[00:01:48]But of course, is it a video from me if we don't start off with disclaimer? I don't think it is. Disclaimer number one, I am I'm creating this kind of content, of course, but I want it to be known that it's very much from my perspective. So, these are all my lived and observed experiences. Your lived and observed experiences may be the same, they may differ. It doesn't mean that one is more or less important than the other.

[00:02:14]Um and then disclaimer number two is that I'm not propagating for anyone to live their life in a certain type of way. I'm not saying that you have to live your life in I hate this word, but a more westernized way, or you have to live your life in a more traditional sense. It's completely up to you. The only thing that I do advocate for is living your life in the most authentic way possible, in a way that feels very true to you. And then disclaimer number three, I promise is the final one, is that I'm right talking about this from I said I I nearly said I'm writing about this. Gosh, I thought I was at work there for a minute. I'm talking about this from a Somali female perspective.

[00:02:52]Obviously, I know that Somali boys have their own um unique experiences and their own obstacles that they face. Um I can't talk about that because it's not my experience and I don't know much about it. Okay, let's get into the video. Growing up, I was actually never taught much about like femininity or sexuality or um just gender norms and gender relations. I guess this is A a good thing and B a bad thing because in my family, my family have had um obviously we're a family, so we have issues, but one really good thing that my mom did was that she never raised us with gender norms. So, for example, I was a female, a girl, obviously female.

[00:03:32]Um I was a young When I was a young girl, I still am a woman. When I was a young girl, I never um was never told to like do excess housework. So, in my family was always by who was the oldest.

[00:03:44]So, we did have a hierarchy system, but it was like you have to respect your oldest older siblings. And the eldest in my family was a girl, and she got the most respect because she was the oldest, if that makes any sense at all. So, in a way, it was a really, really good thing because I never really understood um the fact that some when I was really young, the fact that some girls had to do more household chores simply because they were born um girls. I guess my first ever experience with this was when I went round to um my neighbor at the time's house, and the girl there had just got home from work, and then she was ordered to cook dinner, to do all these chores, which may seem kind of normal because chores are normal, and people and obviously children have to do chores. A lot of children do, anyway. But, hers seemed very excessive, and she was doing the chores in lieu of her older brothers who weren't doing any at all or helping her.

[00:04:40]Um and I remember her saying, "Oh, but Mom, I've got homework." And the mom kind of disregarding what she was saying about her homework.

[00:04:46]And then it happened to me one time when this um woman came round to our house from the community, and my brother was sat there, um and I was sat there, and then we were just having some food, and my brother got up to wash the dishes, and my aunt was like, "Oh, why don't you get up Why don't you do it, Thehab?

[00:05:03]Like, you get up and you wash the dishes for your brother." Which I thought I remember thinking was so strange because as I said, my family definitely have definitely not perfect, but that was just not something that really featured.

[00:05:15]Um in fact, one thing that I really realized a lot about my family is my brothers developed a sense of um gender norms and gender relations later in their life. Like, when we were younger, we never really had that. Um and one of my brothers is definitely what much more uh has these ideas about gender norms and the role of women and so on and so forth now, but he never had that when we were younger. Um and so, it was very, very alien to me to hear her speak like that and for for me ordered to clean up um in front of my brother and for my brother.

[00:05:51]And it must have been that was my first sort of like awakening into how some things might be quite unequal um in our community, particularly the way in which women are treated and viewed. Um I remember being always thinking that like, why is it that certain like boys can get away with so much more than girls can. And I remember thinking that like I My first experience of this was this is completely false, but I remember thinking that I wanted to be an Imam, and I know that I couldn't be an Imam, but I remember having a conversation cuz I was so young, I was young girl, right? I remember having a conversation at the um Quran school that I would go to, and I'd be like, I want to be an Imam, and then I was told I wasn't able to be an to be an I wasn't allowed to be an Imam cuz I was a woman.

[00:06:37]And I very quickly understood that. Then obviously I was a child, so I moved on to another ambition ambition, which is to be an astronaut. And then I was told I also couldn't be an astronaut because I was um a girl. Then obviously this might seem very strange, but when I was younger I was very tall. I still am quite tall, I'm 5'7, which is above average height for a woman, I'll have everyone know, but I was very tall, and I got tall very very quickly, and and so I guess naturally I wanted to be a basketball player. And I would ask everyone and tell everyone that I was going to be a basketball player. And on this occasion when I was at Quran school, I was talking to this boy and I was like, okay, fine then, I'm going to be a basketball player. And he was like, no you can't because you're a girl. So actually I don't really think that Imam bit wasn't wasn't relevant. I think he just had very fixed ideas on what may what women what careers women could pursue and what careers women couldn't pursue. And at the time we were only like 13, and I remember being so shocked by it cuz I remember thinking, how how can you tell me what I can and can't do simply because of my gender?" And all of this feels very like be women being curbed and placed into boxes because of how they cuz like career, housework, and sort of professional and personal domestic duties. But then also it can get really really insidious because it can get so insidious when it comes like a woman's sexuality. So, I will never forget the time and I think I've said this in all of my previous videos, but my friend told me that her friend, who's a Somali girl, was out one time in Shoreditch and got attacked by these Somali boys because they found her, saw her, decided she was bringing shame onto the community, beat her up, and then she ended up having to be taken to the hospital. And the saddest part of the story is she couldn't tell anyone because she felt like if she told someone, people would be like, "Yeah, they're right to you. That was your fault. What were you doing out that time?" And like victim blame her. And that is so sad. And I remember thinking, "Shoreditch, like that's a crazy area because there's always Somali boys out about there. And if they see you, if they see you that like on a Saturday night, they'll definitely have they'll have the biggest mouths and the most to say. And you're thinking, "But you're here too selling balloons, so I don't get it. Like where's the shame for you?

[00:08:55]Why is this just say shame solely reserved for me?" And I speak a lot about like faith and dating and about like what like the way in which girls freedoms and liberations are curbed because of um you know, societal norms, community norms, um and shame. And I think shame is such a is such a silly tool, but it's equally such a powerful tool because it really can be used to control and silence. Um actually, there was this uh woman who lived in a community near where I grew up. And she would remember one time she said to my mom when I was on my way kind of where I was going, but I was on my way to somewhere. I didn't have a hijab on. I was just dressed normally and cuz um she was like to my mom, hijab means headscarf for you guys who are not Muslim or from Somalia. And she said to her and she goes, "Oh, your daughter's so brave. It's like she has no shame." I was like and basically it means oh, she's so brave. It's like she's got no shame and she has no fear.

[00:09:54]I It was just such a snide comment to make um when I'm just simply going about my business. But, if I was a boy for example who was going out for like out like 3:00 4:00 a.m. or doing whatever I wanted, I know for a fact I wouldn't have received the same criticisms levied at me. Um and I think that being a young Somali girl can be so worrying um because a lot of people don't really know as a young Somali girl, you may not feel like you can break out of the mold and build a life for yourself which is really authentic for you. And I have received like I've literally received so many messages from young Somali girls explaining to me what it's like um and how they would like to like break away or live life for themselves or live life in a way they feel like is very authentic to themselves, but they're unable to do so because of societal community constraints um or family constraints. And I guess what I would say to you be from my personal experience, even though it looks like I'm living my best life now and that I'm so happy and I truly am and I'm able to kind of do whatever I want and yes, I am able to do whatever I want to an extent. However, I also turned 31 this week. I turned 31 years old on Monday and although I know I know many of you guys are at watching this at home will be like, "Oh, but that's so young. You're still so young."

[00:11:15]I'm not saying I'm old. What I'm saying is it has taken me a few years to get to this point. I literally remember being about you know, one want wanting to wear mini skirts for the first time and being too afraid to. So, I feel like if you wait if you're that age and you want to live a more authentic life, I promise you will come. You You may have to wait a little bit.

[00:11:41]Obviously, I'm not encouraging anyone to put themselves in danger. So, I guess the most first and foremost most important thing is to make sure that you're safe. And this may seem like counterintuitive advice, but if that means, you know, not hiding, I wouldn't use the word hiding. I would say biding your time a little bit before you show case your authentic self to everyone until you're in a position where you're able to have a lot more independence.

[00:12:06]That's the advice that I would give because unfortunately, that's what I had to do and that way it's more sustainable whereas you kind of come out and show and live life the way you want to only to be smacked back down again. And that can be really demoralizing for you.

[00:12:21]But and also I want to say that if you are have any sort of fears or concerns for your immediate safety, obviously, then please do I'll put some safeguarding links in the description box below. But if you have any concerns for your immediate safety, then please do call emergency services.

[00:12:41]And I wanted to thank you guys. I basically wanted to finish up this video thanking you guys for all of the amazing support you've shown me. I love you all so so much. I can't even cope with how much support and all the lovely messages and comments and DMs. I read every single one of them. And just like you guys make me feel way just like I make you guys feel less alone and way more seen, you guys make me feel less alone and way more seen. And I love that. I love this little community that we're building. It's actually so cute.

[00:13:13]And I hope you guys are enjoying the content. Let me know what else you'd like to see from me in the comments below and I will see you all in my next video.