Understand How Your Past Affects Your Behavior | Dr. Paul Conti & Dr. Andrew Huberman

Added: 2026-05-13

[00:00:00]I can imagine that there are instances where people are in patterns of behavior and they're struggling with them.

[00:00:06]They're not working for them and they know it and they want to make the change. This is this is the thing I hear all the time. I want to make I know I should do it. I know I should do it but they don't do it. What you're saying is when they when we can know that that pattern was something we observed or we're doing the opposite of something we observed, doesn't matter which.

[00:00:29]Suddenly we have agency. What do you think that is? This is this is a different kind of question than I've been asking up until now. Like what is that? Because my clinician can tell me, hey, you know what? You should really start to eat better and get to sleep on time because we both know this isn't serving you well. And the person comes back and they're not doing the behaviors. They're not changing their behaviors. They're not chang.

[00:00:55]And you get to a place where it reflects something in childhood. They're either going against or they're going with that pattern.

[00:01:03]You're telling me that that realization gives them a sense of agency. Aha. It's it's comes from me, but I didn't program that in like what is the insight? Like what allows that? What is the wedge that lets people change their behavior simply by understanding that >> some or all of it is inherited from a pattern? When we realize that there's something whether it's external or internal controlling us, right? It it diffuses that tension and part of why it diffuses the tension and and lets us see clearly and gives us control is because we don't like it. You know, none of us want to be like in the the manurion candidate, right, where there's a sound and then we behave in a certain way and, you know, we're triggered in a certain way and then we just do something and we do it automatically. Like we don't like that. And and if we realize, oh, that's happening in me. So if I realize, gosh, I've been programmed, right? And and if someone is disagreeing with me, like it makes me feel so bad or so vulnerable or insecure, you know, it makes me feel like I felt when I was a kid, right? So now what I'm doing is I'm being just like the parent was. I'm not giving my child a chance to have his or her own opinion. And now because I won't let myself tolerate that feeling. So, so what's happened is it's just been automatic from when I was a kid and it felt so bad and now I'm in the position of trying to make myself feel good by imposing that on my own child. I don't want to do that, right? Wow. I I see that or or realizing that because that happened and and I wasn't allowed to have my own say when I was growing up.

[00:02:40]I'm I'm letting my children kind of run wild in ways that aren't even safe for them. And and and wow, like I I I pushed so hard against that, right? It's this realization that that something inside of us is is being triggered and then we just do something automatically that we haven't thought about or decided to.

[00:02:57]Right? That is a very very strong uh effect on humans. We really don't like that. So if we can combine that with with compassionate curiosity like if if one of us were really really really hungry and there's food right outside the door but we're not getting up to get it, it's a reasonable question to ask why, right? Right? I mean, it's got to be something very powerful to keep a person who's so hungry from just going and getting food. What are these forces within us that are exerting such control over us? Now, we get the person to be on their own side instead of saying, "I want to do A, B, and C, but I just can't or there's just not enough time."

[00:03:32]They're like, "Whoa, that's not, you know, I telling myself, do I really want to do it? If I do, what's keeping me from doing it? How am I keeping me from doing it?" Now we bring our gumption, you know, we bring our our our resources internally and externally to the problem and and the whole thing shifts. [snorts] Oh man, that helps a lot. Not just me, I have to say people not feeling motivated, people not being able to break a pattern that isn't serving them, whether or not it's action or inaction is probably the most common question I get. is the most common theme. It's probably the reason why podcasts like this can exist. I mean, I think people have an natural curiosity about the science and the intellectual aspects and you know, neural circuits and hormones and all that kind of stuff, but I think ultimately people want more agency over their behavior. They want to feel that.

[00:04:26]>> Yes.

[00:04:27]>> And I think what you said is is like blaring in the room, at least for me, that people don't like to be controlled.

[00:04:37]So much so that we know that uh we got kids to quit smoking u back in the you know in the 90s early 2000s by advertisements of um rich old white men writhing their hands cackling about the health problems that people are getting while they're getting rich. That's what stopped teens from smoking.

[00:04:57]>> Right? It was you're not going to control me. It wasn't that they didn't like smoking. Nicotine is incredibly reinforcing. Right? The moment that you have an enemy, you feel the sense of agency that you you said no, you're on your own side.

[00:05:09]>> So realizing one is being controlled, >> right, >> is I realize I'm just saying what you're saying, but I want to make sure this really resonates in my own mind. And for the listeners, that's the essence of of agency. You have to be on your own side. and to get on your own side. It's helpful to not necessarily have an enemy, but to say, "Oh, this was this is all about my parents, and I'm going in the opposite direction in ways that are defeating me. I'm they're controlling me even though I think I'm controlling me." Boom.

[00:05:37]>> Right.

[00:05:38]>> Right.

[00:05:38]>> Behavior changes. Or, oh this is just like >> my mom or just like my dad or just like the environment I grew up in and now you somebody can advocate for themselves.

[00:05:50]>> Yes.

[00:05:50]>> I also see this in the in the media nowadays. I mean that so much of social media is about us them and gosh people are like perfectly happy for understandable reasons to be like you're not going to control me. We saw this during the pandemic. We see we see this at every level. What is this human thing about not wanting to be controlled that in this context is very positive, >> right?

[00:06:14]>> Yeah.

[00:06:14]>> We there's something about the human primate brain.

[00:06:18]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:06:19]>> Like we we don't like to be controlled and that sense of agency can can blossom out of that.

[00:06:25]>> Yeah.

[00:06:25]>> I think that's incredible.

[00:06:26]>> Yeah. We don't want to think or know that that someone or something is putting one over on us. Like you know, humans don't want to be dupes. We don't we don't like that, right? It makes us upset. And here the magic realization is that there is no enemy, right? That that we can get in our own way. and who's most likely to thwart my efforts towards being healthier. It's absolutely me, right? So, I can get in my own way, but it doesn't mean I'm my enemy. So, if I if I do really I want to be healthier and I want to get to the gym to be healthier. Okay, who's standing in my way then? It will be me that say, well, why am I standing in my way? I secretly hate myself and I want myself not to be healthy. No, it's it's not that. If I'm standing in my own way, there's a reason. I really think that that I have so much to do and and and it's for other people and it means more than me. So really, I don't think I deserve the time and energy it would it would take. I'm not going to spend it on myself. Maybe that's why I don't go. Or maybe I don't go because I'm trying to protect myself, right? Because I'm worried. The last couple times I tried it didn't go well and I felt worse. So I don't even want to start. So I'm standing in my own way because of fear of failure. Right?

[00:07:38]There's a lot of reasons. There's many, many, many reasons we could be standing in our own way, but we're not our own enemy. So, the realization of like, why am I doing this? I don't have to do this. Actually, there's one me and I could say, well, if I both if I really want to go to the gym, but I'm not going. I want to go and I don't want to go. It must be true or I'd be there, right? Why is it that I don't want to go? Am I not worth the time and energy?

[00:08:03]Maybe. Do I think there are more important things to do? Really, I do really think that, right? Right? And I'm not admitting it to myself. Uh am I afraid that if I try, I'll fail? Right?

[00:08:12]There's got to be a reason for that. So, let me get on the same page. As I've often said to to to just further the example would be, hey, you get to decide if you if if you go to the gym or not.

[00:08:22]We just want you to be on the same page with yourself. Like, you can decide not to if you say, actually, there are more there things that are bigger uh priorities for my time now. Someone else is sick. I'm taking care of that person.

[00:08:33]It really that is what I'm choosing now.

[00:08:35]Okay. So, I'm not going to go now. and the whole me decides that. But on the other side of this, when this drain on time, my time and energy is different, then I am going to go. Right now, the person's on the same page and they're not making themselves feel worse by wanting to go and not going. Or I might say, I really do want to go, but I know I'm standing in my own way because I'm afraid I'll fail. Okay? And then maybe I get upset, the last eight times I tried, I failed, right? You know, now we're we're really digging, you know, where the money's at, right? Because we go and look and say, "Okay, you're you're protecting yourself. How do we how do we try and set you up for success? So, so you'll want to go forward this time because you'll see that it's different from the other times and you won't just be repeating something that just made you feel bad. So, that's how we get our all our arrows pointing in the same direction. We realize there is no enemy here. There is me standing in my own way, but like that's okay. I I can look at that and I can figure that out. And now we're at that simple goodness principle where, you know, we're all on the same page with ourselves and we accomplish our goals.

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