How Masturbating to Porn (and BDSM) Helps You Feel More in Control

[00:00:00]Hi, my name is Natalie. I have been teaching and practicing tantric meditations. I've been doing it for the past 10 years and I talk about all these topics to do with meditation and sexuality and energy work on my YouTube channel. So, welcome if you're new and welcome back if you're familiar with my videos. Today, I wanted to talk about BDSM and the issue of control in sexuality. It's not necessarily a subject that I deal with or explore in my own life, but a lot of people have been talking to me about it recently and asking me about it and I also had a session with a guy that raised a few questions and gave me a few ideas of where this issue is coming from. So, I had a session with a guy. He is very religious. He grew up in a religious community.

[00:00:50]Um when he was young, he went to school with boys only and he had to do like Bible studies and religious studies. And then when he reached the age of 21, he got married with someone who he was like set up with. So, not necessarily someone he fell in love with.

[00:01:09]Then he got married and he built business and he has kids. And his problem was that he is addicted to watching BDSM porn where there are games of control. So, a man is controlling a woman. She's completely humiliated and he just tells her what to do and you know, that is arousing to this guy I was talking to. He likes watching men control women sexually in porn and that's what turns him on.

[00:01:40]And he also told me he does sessions like this with people where he controls them. He tells them what to do, um you know, sexually or not sexually, but the whole thing is the issue of control. And it bothered him, and you know, he was still religious, and he felt very ashamed about the type of porn that he watches, about the fact that he even watches that, you know, any kind of porn. So, you know, I'm watching porn, that's bad, God's angry at me. And then what porn am I watching? I'm watching BDSM control porn. And why does this thing turn me on? Something is wrong with me. He's ashamed, he never told anyone about this. It's like the secret that he keeps with himself. And the usual way to approach this kind of situation would be to find the pain from childhood that creates this kind of stimulation from BDSM in a sexual way, but also in an emotional way. But this time I went on a different path. I had a different approach. Because as I was talking to him, I realized this man has no control over anything in his life.

[00:02:54]And it's been like this since he was a very young child. He never had control.

[00:02:59]He doesn't even control what he wears because he has this like specific religious clothing. He didn't control who he married, he didn't control what he studied, he didn't control anything in his life.

[00:03:11]But in this little BDSM experience that he has with other people or with the porn, he feels like he's in control. And even just by watching the porn, he has a little bit of control in his life.

[00:03:27]Because again, he has no control over anything in his life. Everything has been determined for him. He has to follow this very specific set of rules, and you know, he wants to be a good boy or a good person, and he wants to follow the rules.

[00:03:41]But as a man, he doesn't have any sense of control in his life. And control is the third chakra, it's the solar plexus chakra.

[00:03:50]And it's not control over other people, it's control over ourselves, but not in a like negative way. Just like, do I do what I want to do? Am I eating the food that I want to eat? Am I working in the job that I want to work? When I run, when I do sports, can I do it without giving up? Do I have control over the things that I do, the things that I feel, the thing you know, the people who I meet?

[00:04:16]And if you have that sense of control, which is like inner power, then that's great. Then you'll balance that. But if you feel like you don't have any control in your life, you're going to start looking for little places where you do have control.

[00:04:33]BDSM, if we're talking sexually, is a place where a lot of people who feel very weak in their lives can feel strong and powerful just by playing this game of I'll tell you what to do and you just do it 100%. And watching porn for a lot of men is a place where they feel like they have control. So even if you're not religious, but you're in this marriage and your wife is the boss, and she decides, you know, where you'll eat, where you'll go on vacation, what your day looks like, what kind of parent you should be, you know, a lot of men are married to controlling women. A lot of them don't mind that she controls everything and they even prefer that she controls everything, but slowly they kind of lose that self-control or that feeling that they have control over anything in their life. And then the one place where they feel like they do is their sexuality. I'll decide when I masturbate, I'll decide if I watch porn or not, I'll decide for how long, I'll decide what kind of porn I watch. So in a life that lacks the sense of control and power, a lot of men feel that they can get back their control and power through, you know, masturbating, through the types porn they watch, and might not be enough, but it's something. And I don't think that we can live our life powerless and feel good. I think that, you know, because we're talking about alignment and the chakras and the energy, I want to feel like I have power in my life. I want to feel like I have control in my life. And if we don't, again, we're going to look for it anywhere we can find it.

[00:06:12]So, I don't necessarily have an opinion on BDSM. I'm not into it myself because I do feel like I have a lot of control in my life and I've never had that issue. But I understand people who are attracted to that kind of thing because they want to feel that power and that control. And again, it doesn't even have to be BDSM. In this specific example, it was, but many men will keep the habit of watching porn and masturbating only to feel like they have a little bit of control over something in their lives.

[00:06:49]If that's your situation, you know, don't feel so guilty. It's understandable that you want to feel power and control in your life. Yes, the porn and the masturbation is one place where you can do that, but there are other places because when we have control and power, sense of power only around the masturbation and the porn, it's not really enough to implement it into our day-to-day life because we're ashamed of it because it's not something that we share. It's maybe not something that we're proud of. So, maybe in that minute we do feel control, but then when we go back to our lives, we, you know, we feel that feeling of being helpless and not controlling anything in our life.

[00:07:31]So, I would recommend that you add more things in your life where you feel you have control. And sports, like I started running 3 weeks ago and it's really become part of my meditative practice and I do it every day in the heat. I do 5K at the moment. I'm not running the whole 5K, of course. I'm doing like intervals of running and walking and running and walking, but it has helped me strengthen my third chakra and suddenly, because when I'm running, I control the pace, I control my breath, I control, um, you know, my whole body because I'm doing the act of running and I can go or stop whenever I want. And also it's very good for your heart. It's good with all the hormones that it secretes in your brain and in your body, um, but mainly regarding this BDSM porn control thing, I think doing sports very good for your third chakra and very good for your sense of control because it will teach you how to feel like you have control over your body, your physical body and I think a lot of us lack that. Of course, breathwork also helps with the sense of being in control because when you learn how to work with your breath, you learn how to control your breath, you know, because we can't completely stop breathing, but we can we can start following the breath and deepening the breath and playing with how much we, you know, breathe in and out and it does give some kind of sense of control over our body. The other thing, of course, is tantric masturbation. It's very difficult not to ejaculate, not to orgasm, but that is the practice and when you get into the practice and when you succeed in the practice, it will also give you a sense of control because you decide, you know, how much sexual energy you're going to raise, what you're going to do with the sexual energy and when, if at all, you're going to ejaculate the sexual energy out of your body or keep it inside, but it again strengthens our third chakra and gives us a sense of some kind of control in this crazy world where we don't really control anything, but as individuals, we do need that kind of energy and that sensation and that feeling in our lives, and there are many things that we can do to get it back.

[00:09:46]And I'm talking as a woman, but mainly to men, because I feel like in the past few years, men a lot of men have lost their sense of control and power because women are basically cutting their balls off.

[00:10:01]So, you feel like you've lost all your control and power. And I think that if we want to live in a balanced society, men and women together, men can and need to get back their sense of control in their life and their sense of power. So, that's why I talked about it in this video. So, I hope that was interesting.

[00:10:21]Let me know in the comments your thoughts, and I will remind you that I do tantric coaching sessions online. So, if you want to go deeper into your own issues, emotional blockages, and maybe different loops that you're dealing with in your life around sexuality or just in general, then the details are below.

[00:10:39]You're more than welcome to contact me, and we'll do a session. And that's it. Thank you for following my channel. Thank you for watching my videos. I really hope or I really hope that they help some of you because these are things that have helped me in my life, and I'm just passing on the information. So, thank you again for watching, and I'll see you in my next video.