RED FLAG | STAY OR LEAVE???

[00:00:00]Imagine someone hurts you, then comforts you, then hurts you again, then comforts you again. Sometimes [music] people stay because the unknown feels scarier than the pain they already [music] know. It's like the devil you know often feels safer than the scary unknown. How sad. Why would an intelligent person stay [music] with someone who constantly hurts them? Why would someone remain in a relationship that leaves them anxious, exhausted, lonely, and questioning their worth?

[00:00:27]Most people think they know the answer.

[00:00:29]They say, "They are weak. They have low self-esteem. They are afraid to leave."

[00:00:34]But what if I told you that many people stay in toxic relationships for the same reason healthy people stay in healthy relationships. Hope. And before you jump to conclusions, stay with me until the end [music] because the last reason and one important distinction I'm going to make may completely change how you view your own relationship or someone else.

[00:00:57]If you have ever wondered why people stay in toxic relationships, type hope in the comments. Hello, I'm Osafa Aime, psychotherapist and marriage coach, your partner in your wholeness journey and marital bliss. [music] On this channel, we talk about relationships, emotional healing, betrayal recovery, and building healthier connections. [music] If conversations like this interest you, please subscribe as share practical relationship insights every [music] week. Let's get started.

[00:01:32]>> [music] >> Not every difficult relationship is toxic. Every relationship has conflict.

[00:01:41]Every marriage has disagreements. Every family has tension. A toxic relationship is one where harmful patterns become the norm. Patterns like constant criticism, manipulation, controlling behavior, repeated betrayal, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, intimidation, etc. A relationship where you spend more time surviving than thriving is toxic. So, you remember that I said hope is one thing that keeps people in toxic relationship. The same way, hope is what makes people stay in healthy relationship. We all hope for better. We all hope things will improve. We all hope we will achieve our dreams. We all hope that the bad days will be over and then the good days will come. So, everybody, whether [clears throat] you're in good relationship or in bad ones, you thrive on hope. And hope is very, very powerful. So, when next you see someone in toxic unhealthy relationship and you wonder, "Why are they not leaving?" Remember that hope is a very, very strong characteristics and it keeps people just believing that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. And that's one major reason why people stay in unhealthy relationship. So, I will be exploring more reasons with him. Stay with me. As we go through these reasons, I want you to ask yourself which one of these really resonates with you. So, as I list the various reasons, I want you to drop the number of the one that really resonates with you in the comment section. So, number one reason is hope.

[00:03:17]I have spoken about this before, but it's good to expatiate on it. I once worked with a client whose partner repeatedly hurt her emotionally. There criticisms, arguments, broken promises.

[00:03:27]Then suddenly, he would become affectionate again, attentive, loving.

[00:03:32]And every time she considered leaving, she would think, "Hmm, maybe this time things will be different." You know what? The problem wasn't the bad days.

[00:03:41]The problem was the good days. The good days kept convincing her that permanent change was just around the corner.

[00:03:49]Sometimes, people aren't in love with who the person is. They are in love with who the person becomes for 3 days after a fight. Have you ever experienced that?

[00:04:01]Hoping that they will remain this good version. Reason number two, fear. Fear is powerful.

[00:04:07]Not just fear of the relationship, but fear of life after the relationship.

[00:04:12]Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over. Fear of financial uncertainties.

[00:04:17]Fear of disappointing families. Fear of making the wrong decision. So, there is a woman who admitted that she was more afraid of being alone at 50 than she was of remaining unhappy. How sad. Just think about that. Sometimes, people stay because the unknown feels scarier than the pain they already know. It's like the devil you know often feels safer than the scary unknown. So, fear of unknown keeps people stuck. Reason three, trauma bonds. This is one of the most misunderstood reasons. Imagine someone hurts you, then comforts you, then hurts you again, then comforts you again. Hmm. Eventually, your nervous system starts craving the relief. Not realizing that the same person causing the pain is also the one providing the comfort. This creates an emotional cycle that can feel very difficult to break.

[00:05:13]When the person who wounds you also become the person who heals you, leaving becomes harder than what outsiders can understand. By the way, if this explanation is helping you understand relationships differently, give this video a thumbs up. Reason number four, childhood wounds. This one shows up often in therapy. I once worked with someone who repeatedly chose emotionally unavailable partners. Every relationship left him feeling unseen. When we explored his story, he realized that he spent most of his childhood trying to earn emotional attention from a parent who was rarely available. Without realizing it, he kept recreating a familiar emotional experience. Many people are not choosing what feels healthy. They are choosing what feels familiar. Reason five, they don't realize the relationship is toxic. If criticism was normal growing up, criticism would be normal in adulthood.

[00:06:14]If neglect was normal, neglect would also feel normal in adulthood. If chaos was normal, calm can actually feel uncomfortable. I've worked with clients who described emotional abuse and then follow it with "But that's just how relationships are." No.

[00:06:31]That's not how relationships are. That's how their own relationship were. Not all relationships are toxic. So, many people don't ask, "Is this healthy?" Instead, they ask, "Is this better than what I grew up with?" Your normal may not be healthy. It is just familiar. Reason six, shame. Shame keeps many people stuck. I've heard people say, "I can't believe I chose this person. Oh, I've already invested years in the relationship. What will people think about me? What if everyone was right?"

[00:07:06]You see, the longer someone stays in a relationship, the more shame will accumulate. They begin to feel trapped by their own decision. But just because you've invested 10 years, doesn't mean you should sacrifice the next 20. Reason seven, they still love the person. This one will surprise you. Sometimes people stay because they genuinely love the person. The person may be unhealthy for them, but the love may still feel real.

[00:07:34]Both can be true. Many people think that if love exists, then the relationship must be healthy. That's not true. I've worked with people who deeply loved their spouses and these spouses hurt them at the same time. Love is no proof that a relationship is healthy and pain is no proof that love is absent. Reason eight, they believe this is the best they can get.

[00:07:59]Ah, this one is really sad. Some people have been criticized for so long that they no longer believe they deserve better. Some have experienced rejection so often that they become grateful for scraps of affection. Others believe no one would ever want to be with them, so they settle. Not because they are happy, but because they have stopped believing they are worthy of more. The question is, how do you feel about yourself? Do you really believe you deserve a healthy love? Now, a quick word to singles and married. At this point, I want to speak to two different groups of people.

[00:08:36]First, those who are dating. One advantage of dating is that you have more freedom to evaluate the relationship before making a lifelong commitment. So, if in that relationship you are repeatedly experiencing manipulation, dishonesty, emotional abuse, controlling behavior, or patterns that are not changing despite honest conversation, please do not ignore those red flags. Love is important, chemistry is important, but character matters, too. Dating is not just about finding someone you love. It's also about determining whether this person is capable of building a healthy relationship with you. Now, let me speak to those who are married. Marriage is different. When two people have made a commitment, they built a life together, they shared finances, raised children, and created years of history. The decision is often more complex. As someone who believes in marriage, I want to be clear. I am not telling you to walk away from relationships that can be healed. I've seen marriages recover from betrayal. I've seen couples rebuild trust. I've seen people learn healthier ways of communicating. I've seen emotional connection return after years of distance. But, I also don't believe people should stay indefinitely in relationships that are destructive, unsafe, abusive, or causing ongoing harm without accountability and change.

[00:10:09]Sometimes, a marriage needs support.

[00:10:12]Sometimes, a marriage needs intervention. Sometimes, a marriage needs boundaries. And sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made. The goal is not simply staying married. The goal is building a marriage where both people can thrive. The goal is to stay and build a marriage that is emotionally and physically safe. So, if you are in a relationship that feels toxic, I want you to consider one question. If absolutely nothing changed, would you want this relationship 5 years from now?

[00:10:46]Not the promises, not the potential, not the future version you are hoping for.

[00:10:52]The relationship as it exists today.

[00:10:55]Because clarity often begins when we stop evaluating people based on who they could become and start evaluating them based on who they consistently are. You see, you deserve a relationship where love doesn't require you to abandon yourself. You deserve a relationship where peace is normal, not rare. I want to leave you with this question. What is the difference between fighting for a relationship and sacrificing yourself for a relationship? I would really love to hear your answers in the comment section. And if you do have questions about relationships, their healing, you can leave the questions below. Many of my future videos come directly from your questions. So, if this video helped you, help give it a thumbs up. Share it with someone who may need to hear this message. And if you're feeling stuck in a relationship and need professional support, check this video caption for details about working with me. Please subscribe and I will be coming your way again next week for another educative and inspiring video. So, thank you for watching. And remember this, a healthy relationship requires sacrifice. An unhealthy relationship often requires self-abandonment. Know the difference.

[00:12:08]I'm Busola Owolabi and I will [music] see you in my next video. Bye.