GIVING FROM LACK

[00:00:00]Why did I go for older men?

[00:00:02]Because I couldn't stand my hippie peers.

[00:00:05]Couldn't stand it.

[00:00:07]They were just chaos to me.

[00:00:09]Just total chaos.

[00:00:11]>> [music] >> I felt it since I went to kindergarten.

[00:00:15]Running around.

[00:00:17]Because that's what happened after World War II, the standards changed. They were no longer, you know, rigidly in lines and behaved well. It was chaotic. It was a different theory on how to bring up children.

[00:00:32]Spock, I guess.

[00:00:34]Dare not to punish or whatever. They stopped punishing and the Bible says, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." And to me, I couldn't stand it. So, I went for older men. And that didn't mean they were mature at all.

[00:00:48]He was an alcoholic. That's not mature.

[00:00:50]An alcoholic is stuck in emotional immaturity.

[00:00:54]>> [music] >> They don't evolve.

[00:00:56]Yeah, that was bad. I hate to even think about it. But that was bad. For some reason, my survival strategy was weight management. I felt that was a way to transcend everybody. [music] My sisters were fat, they were bullies. Okay, I'll control my weight.

[00:01:14]Yeah. That was a big thing.

[00:01:16]You know, it it becomes calcified into your identity. Well, look at me today. I talk about diet and fasting. It's calcified into your identity. This is the way to overcome my sisters. They're fat, they can't stop eating. I'll not eat. I'll I'll transcend them. So, even that helped me ultimately. Our survival strategy becomes our new identity for the new life. We have two lives, the old miserable one and the new wonderful one from what we learned in the first one.

[00:01:46]So, I became a giver.

[00:01:48]>> [music] >> People would need my help and I would take them in and be a hostess even though they created total chaos in my life. Because, you see, if I was a giver, I would be seen as a generous person, but that isn't what it was coming from. It wasn't coming from generosity, it was coming from lack.

[00:02:03]Total lack of strength and boundaries.

[00:02:06]And and trying to up my reputation somehow. Trying to up my image somehow that I was a good hostess and a giver to people who didn't deserve it and who were just using me.

[00:02:17]Man, it's not the same thing. A Christian isn't a weak doormat.

[00:02:24]And a Christian stands up for the boundaries >> [music] >> cuz you're protecting something very precious in the inside, your true self that God designed. But you see, all those boundaries are laid bare. And with imploded boundaries comes lost morals.

[00:02:37]It's [music] just the way it is. And then shame and guilt, and then more giving, giving, giving, being used. Man, but I went down that far in order to be a true psychologist. It isn't just book learning with me. I know about insanity and I know it's created by other people.

[00:02:53]I know how it happens. And that's where 100 but a books were written from.