This Godzilla VS Kong RIPOFF Is GARBAGE… (The WORST Monster Movies)

[00:00:01]What are the worst monster films ever made? The ones that make you want to rip your eyes out. Well, I asked you residents to give me your worst. The ones that feel like actual torture to sit through. And today, we're going to go through three of them. One of them being a horrifically shameless ripoff of Godzilla versus Kong. Like, even the biggest of GBK haters will agree, it looks like a masterpiece compared to this. Spin the wheel of the Mi. Today we have Ape versus Monster, Mega Shark versus Colossus, and Wolf Trac's Dinosaur Island. I don't want to do this. I don't want to, but I'll do it because I love you, and it's the only way I can escape the back rooms. First off, let's dive into Ape Versus Monster.

[00:00:46]This one was made by the dreaded Asylum, the king of mockbusters. This was directed by Daniel Lusaka and was released in 2021 to obviously capitalize on the release of Godzilla versus Kong.

[00:00:59]And it opens with a similar montage that Monsterverse fans are used to, which is honestly kind of cool and tells us that yeah, this is a shameless Monsterverse ripoff. So, while this intro is kind of cool, showing how humanity has advanced and ventured into space, as soon as we get to the title card, it's all down from here, baby. We cut to the Langley Research Center as they observe a pod returning to Earth from space. And you know what? The CGI here isn't too bad so far. Hopefully, that's a good sign. Or more like a Trojan horse. It lands in Chavez County, New Mexico, in the middle of a desert. And sounds can even be heard coming from inside. And it's Monkey. It's just straight up rabid angry chimp noises. Sounds like me when I see the French.

[00:01:48]But then it breaks loose, crushing through the window, clearly changing and mutating by something alien. We then cut to the Pentagon and he's back again.

[00:01:58]It's Eric Roberts. He simply cannot be stopped. He's on a mission to be in every terrible movie. He plays Ethan Marcos alongside Ariana Scott as Dr. Linda Murphy, who is the lead of the film. She explains that they've identified what fell to Earth, which turns out to be a secret US and Soviet deep space probe launched back in 1985, which they lost contact with in 2007.

[00:02:22]The goal was to find extraterrestrial life, and in doing so would mean peace between the Soviets and the US or something like that. Yeah, sure. Two nations well known for sharing secrets.

[00:02:34]That that's going to end up well. Not sure what's going on with this guy's audio. conducting any joint missions with the Soviets back in the >> I think they just straight up the got to turn his mic on. Either way, they send Linda and a military squad to investigate who I guess are allowed to just wear whatever they want. How are jeans effective attire for this mission?

[00:02:51]They just want to get to the wreckage before the Russians catch wind of what's going on. What is this guy even doing?

[00:02:57]Now, I don't know a whole lot about weapons, but I've played enough Battlefield to know that's not how you hold a rocket launcher. What? It's not even loaded. What does he plan on doing with it? Sort it out, guys. You're all right. Mess. We can see what looks like Nickelodeon slime on the vessel, which must not be good. It means Dan Schneider's somewhere. Quick, put your feet away. Then we hear more angry monkey noises before curious George himself pops out. He obviously got too curious and kills the team. Murphy runs towards the commotion, but then trips up in one of the bodies and hits a head on a rock and dies.

[00:03:34]The end. I'm joking, but that's where I wish it ended. Oh, I'm going insane. I'm actually I'm actually going insane.

[00:03:42]Someone comes along and tranquilizes Curious George here, who actually turns out is called Abraham, who looks a bit different than what I've been taught he looks like. Turns out this Russian girl is called Eva Kulashov, who reveals Abraham was on board the vessel that went missing, and shows this picture of a chimp. It just looks so silly. Look at him. Look at him. He's so silly. Silly chimp. Look at the silly look.

[00:04:07]Look at the silly. LOOK AT THE SILLY MONKEY.

[00:04:09]>> Murphy helped raise him before he was appointed to the space mission. They both returned to Langley with Abraham and uncover that this green slime is extraterrestrial and has mutated Abraham and is actually still growing. We then see a Gila monster come along and give the goop a little lick, which I can't imagine is going to lead to anything good. The last person to do that turned into Katy Perry. put back to the facility and Abraham is way too big for that enclosure because he's still growing at an unsustainable rate. He wakes up all cranky like which is like just mood and then he tries to lash out at the soldiers surrounding him and they're about to shoot him to kill him to death before Murphy hops in and manages to sedate him before anything silly happens. Then we get this scene of one of the military guards being extra curious and he takes a look inside the pod. Not sure why it's just him, but then he hears a roar in the distance before he sees something huge approaching him. He legs it towards his car and then just stops for some reason and just as he thinks he's safe, a reptilian monster lunges over the hill and gobbles him up. My god, that was intense. I hope he's all right. For some reason, this scene reminds me of Godzilla 1954, but like so much worse.

[00:05:23]The team back at base are trying to figure out what caused the disturbance at the crash site and see a shadow of its massive tail and hypothesize that something else must have sampled some of the alien substance. They scour the area for evidence and she sees a dead marine and says this isn't from the crash.

[00:05:39]Like, yeah, obviously you you already know this. They then hear reports that a massive unidentified organism is heading eastbound. So, the team are sent to investigate. Back at the lab, it turns out the Nickelodeon goop substance itself is alive, but is dying from exposure to our atmosphere, but it can survive in the blood. So, Russian lady here tries to stop it from dying. So, they stick the rest of the sample in Abraham to preserve it, which I mean, I can't imagine anything bad happening from that. call back to the team consisting of Murphy Jones, a lab tag with Marvelass humor, and this general guy who have just found a collapsed bridge and a passenger train is heading straight for it. She tries to warn it, but something's interfering with the signal. But just before something bad happens, the Gila monster comes up and saves the train. Yay! Oh god, everyone's dead. Oh god, they don't even react to the monster at all. It's right there.

[00:06:37]Say something. Where's that guy from Sharktopus when you need him?

[00:06:40]>> OH MY GOD.

[00:06:41]>> But then Eva, the Soviet chick, finds out that Murphy has gone missing. So she takes a helicopter to go after her. And for some reason, they just let this Russian take American equipment. Is she allowed to do that? I'm sure it's fine.

[00:06:54]God, I'm not even a third of the way through. Murphy and her team continue on foot to go around the collapsed bridge.

[00:07:00]Don't know why they couldn't have driven, though. Looks flat enough. But then the earth begins to quake and the monster is fully revealed. a massive reptilian titan that may look like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it is not. And it immediately squishes this general guy.

[00:07:16]You know what? I quite like this design, but it turns out it's actually purchased from someone on an asset shop. So, zero credit goes to Asylum here. But just as they think they're done for, Eva comes to their defense and fires with her helicopter.

[00:07:32]She starts firing at it, but then the Gila monster, who I think is called Gila Gilantis, I think that's what it's written as, burrows underneath to safety. Cut back to Langley where a guy in a gorilla's suit really wants out this lab. Seriously, he's meant to be like way larger at this point. Why is that just straight up a guy in a gorilla costume? And Abraham breaks out of containment, meaning he's no longer a curious George. He's a loose George.

[00:07:57]Murphy is of course confused what could have caused this sudden growth spurt and no one tells her, "Oh yeah, we stuck more of the Nickelodeon goop into him.

[00:08:05]Now he's off looking for underage girls." God, I don't know if I'll keep that. I don't know if I'll keep that. We cut to a place called Beaverton, Virginia, where Abraham is seen just wandering around the place. And upon researching for this video, I couldn't find a place with that name in Virginia.

[00:08:20]But let me ask my Yank expert to explain more in greater detail. Jacob, >> it doesn't exist.

[00:08:25]>> Thanks, Jacob. Then we see Huntington, West Virginia, which thankfully does exist, where we see something burrowing underground, which can be none other than Godzilla. Now, it's unfortunately Gila Jillantis. Gilantis, who eats some guy with its tongue, I think. I have no idea how he didn't see that. The commander is amassing a battalion to deal with the monsters, but obviously the leads don't want Abraham to die. He is, after all, a victim of Dan Schneider's goop. Oh, I'll never say that again. I'm sorry.

[00:08:59]And they want to look for another way to stop what's happening and prevent any more disasters. I don't I mean like out of everything in this film, why do these two leads have such good chemistry? Bro, bro, just kiss already. The history books would say they were really good friends. It's just dawned on me that they sent a chimp to make first contact with aliens. How was that ever going to work? Would the aliens just be like, "Hey, what's up?" And then the chimp just throws its [ __ ] at them. What did they think would happen? I don't know, but whatever it is, it's genius.

[00:09:26]Huntington has gone dark as the Gila Monza patrols the area. Turns out he has the ability to cause electrical disturbances, a bit like the Mutoo in 2014. So, they set off in a helicopter to go after it. They come across some blood and Murphy finds out the alien cells are dying and her and Eve have this argument and she finds out she injected him with more of the goop. I'd be annoyed if someone injected my cat with Nickelodeon slime to be fair. But reasonable crash out. A new military team arrives on the scene, also hunting for Abraham to put a stop to the chaos.

[00:09:58]And this guy has the worst flamethrower I've ever seen. Are they even still allowed? Then the commander lobs a grenade at what he thinks is Abraham, but then somehow he grabs him from above and tears him in half. How does this scene even make sense? What did he throw a grenade at? He was in front of him and then above him. Was he just in god mode?

[00:10:18]Like what? This guy does a flip because he feels like it. Hell hell yeah. That was sick, mate. This guy with the flamethrower is having the best time of his life. Just look at how happy he is.

[00:10:29]I wish I felt this kind of happiness again.

[00:10:33]Until he's squished and Abraham frolocks away. We're caught back to the lab and my god, how many times are they going to use this establishing shot? Right, let me count.

[00:10:59]After an analysis, it turns out the two monsters are heading straight towards each other. They are being directed via biological remote control from the alien substance with the source coming from an alien UAP. We also see the alien spacecraft flying over Earth. And they don't react nearly as extreme as they should. They're more like mildly annoyed. Why is everyone just so chill about everything in this universe? I wish I was this nonchalant. Then Murphy's aranged father comes in, who can help with knowledge about the original program. Murphy stopped talking to him since he was responsible for sending Abraham on the mission, the chimp Murphy grew up with. He just keeps sending animals to space for no reason.

[00:11:37]Like, what? Honestly, what are you doing, mate? Just just stop it. They want to sever the connections between the aliens and the monsters by sending out a kind of electromagnetic pulse. But time is running out as the monsters are converging in Washington DC with the aliens looking to destroy the capital which would lead to total collapse. But if Godzilla versus Kong has taught us anything, absolutely nothing of consequence would happen. You might have noticed by now that this film is a lot of talking and not much action. The main monsters haven't even met yet. There's just so much talking. Blah blah blah. Do something. This is worse than Monster Island. The ISS has spotted the alien craft circling the moon and then immediately starts entering Earth somehow. Damn, that's fast. The army wants to unleash hell on the ship and engage it in battle. But Eric Roberts is just here thinking of what he's going to have for dinner when he gets home.

[00:12:26]Murphy's dad wants to attach an electrobio formula to interrupt the transmitter on top of the Washington Monument. And Eric is like, "Hell yeah.

[00:12:34]I'm not even sure what's happening at this point. Just get to the monster fight. It better be good." The transmitter was somehow immediately built and attached the monument. Just as Abraham enters Washington and they open fire and just wow, look at that. Stuff is happening. Amazing. The Gila monster is seen burring towards Washington and it emerges in the middle of the city.

[00:12:55]And hey, that's actually a pretty good-looking shot. Good job, guys. You did something good. And yep, just make sure to get everyone's reactions. Not like we're here for the monsters or anything. Wait, did they just straight up use Godzilla's roar? Like that's 1954 and Monster versus RAW like stitched together. You You hear that, right?

[00:13:12]That's That's not just me. Did Tohjo allow this? Huh? The electrobiopulse device has worked and Abraham is free of the aliens control. But the Gila monster is still under command because of its little dumb lizard brain. This doesn't stop the military firing on the monkey though, which just looks fantastically dumb. It's It's just This is what we're here for. This is what we're here for.

[00:13:31]Abraham climbs the Washington Monument King Kong style and they fire on the transmitter like a bunch of heads and it destroys the device which leads to Abraham reconnecting to the aliens once again. Conveniently, Murphy's dad mentions how they have a second transmitter that Murphy goes off to find. Now she's just completely chill with her dad for some reason. I hope he tries sending Abraham to space again, but he just can't help himself. She tells Jones to hit it and then is just like, "Wait, why are you going so fast?

[00:13:58]Slow down." What? But why did you say go fast then? Fun fact, the actor for Jones is actually the extras casting director for Kong Skull Island. The more you know. Narrowly avoiding the Gila monster, she makes it to the car park where the device is hidden in a pedo van, but the device is incomplete, so they hastily finish it off in a race against time. She turns it on and severs the control again, freeing Abraham from the aliens. Gilantis eats Jones, which is what he gets for having annoying dialogue. And then Abraham and the monster begin to fight. Yeah, this is what we came here to see. This is epic.

[00:14:32]This is so epic. I like that they gave the monkey jiggle physics. It was such a small detail, but you just really appreciated. They punch and swipe and the Gila bites down on Abraham's neck, which almost suffocates him, and it looks like Gila's about to win, but then Eva comes back with a helicopter and just flies straight into the Gila monster, which frees Abraham. RIP Russian lady, you will be missed. He tries to bite the monkey, then he quickly snapped its neck and oh, that's it. That's literally the end of the fight. Well, that was a bit anticlimactic. That's maybe like 20 seconds of fighting in an hour and a half long film. Who do I complain to because I'm about to lash out, but the military still want to kill off the monkey, so they send air units to take him down. But then she's like, "No, please." So, they don't, which is good.

[00:15:17]I'm glad that was immediately sorted.

[00:15:19]There was almost tension there. So, I'm glad we narrowly avoided anything interesting happening. And then the alien ship leaves, and they straight up just reuse the shot from earlier, which made no sense. It was leaving in the first shot, and it's still leaving in this one. They really did not care when making this thing, did they? In the debrief, it's revealed that Abraham is chilling in Santa Fe to heal from his wounds and enjoy the freedom without being shot by a tank. And Murphy's been promoted to lead the study on Abraham alongside her father, which I guess is a happy ending. Abraham is seen in front of this massive American flag just doing this like crossfingered pose for some reason. He's not even in that once before in the film. He's just a cool guy. He's trying to make it his thing.

[00:15:58]Is that the V8 pose from Fury Road? And the last we see of Abraham is him roaring in his New Mexican home. So if any of you are watching this from New Mexico, be careful because there is a giant chimp just somewhere out there.

[00:16:09]Like this is real. This is really happening. Please guys, be careful.

[00:16:13]That's that's a real giant chip. So that was Ape versus Monster. But was it really as bad as they say? Honestly, yes. Yeah. Yeah. It was It was way worse than I remember it being. It might be one of the worst films I've ever seen. A completely joyless bore of a film with about 20 seconds of monster action, if even that. I find it honestly baffling that this has a $600,000 budget. There are Kaiju fans on YouTube doing more with literally nothing. It's just a lot of nonsense. Monster Island was better and that was already crap. I spent £3 on this and I want my money back. It's just the worst kind of mockbuster. Do not waste your time. One out of 10. That one goes to the person that made the Gila asset. Good job. Now, let's move on to another Asylum film that I'm honestly dreading watching because so far Asylum's track record has not been good.

[00:17:06]This is Mega Shark versus Colossus.

[00:17:10]Now, apparently this is the fourth in the Mega Shark Cinematic Universe. But who am I to question the wheel? I don't make the rules. I mean, I I do, but shut up. Before we start, be sure to subscribe and stomp the notification button to not miss out on more episodes of Monster Theater. Now, on to the horrors. The film starts out with a very monster like montage where it talks about all the Mega Sharks previous attacks, which I obviously missed, but most Asylum films are the same anyway, so I get the idea. Exports are becoming more and more expensive since ships keep sinking. Russia is mining for rare minerals and the world is generally on the brink of collapse with people fearful for the future. And based on the title of the film, it's about to get worse. We then got to Brazil and if you look closely, you can actually see Scar King and Shimo somewhere. We see the Navy lowering a boy into the ocean, part of a sonar grid that they hope to use to detect sharks and protect the shorelines. assisting is hello. I mean unicorn one and two whose uniforms are making me blush. Like who decided this?

[00:18:14]Is this is this mandated by the company?

[00:18:16]Where is where is that? Uh for just for like research purposes. I just need to figure out like where it is. Like where is that? Where do I sign up? For research purposes I need to know where this is. They bump into some Russians fishing in Brazil for some reason and then warn them to leave the restricted area or else they'll blow them up, which feels a bit like an overreaction. This is so obviously stock footage. We don't even ever see them talking. It's just their disembodied voice. They start to pull the nets up, but out comes a baby megalodon, and it's heading straight for them. The Navy activate their sonar beacons, which draws it off course, but then it straight up dive bombs the Russian ship instead. Well, at least there's that problem sorted. They begin to arm >> oxygen destroyers.

[00:19:00]>> Oxygen destroyers. Did I Did I hear that right? Did they just say oxygen destroyers? Two Godzilla references in two films. This is got to be a record.

[00:19:08]They fire on the shark, but it retaliates by headbutting Unicorn one.

[00:19:12]Straight out of the water. Christ. What is this thing made of?

[00:19:18]Is that Mothra's roar?

[00:19:21]Am I going crazy? Please, please tell me if you hear that, too. The other sub keeps firing, but is damaged when it's bitten by the megalodon before it swims off to safety. Blondie here chases after the meg and activates a self-destruct sequence, approaching on its tail before it explodes. But the mega shark is still alive, swimming away into the deep blue of the ocean. This whole intro has been pretty exciting so far. Dumb and ridiculous, but pretty hype. If it can keep up with this energy, we might be in for a winner here. We cut to Chernobyl of all places where we're introduced to Benedict and Moira King. They seem to be doing a deal with the Russians and they open a chamber to find a massive mechanical monster. This is Colossus, which looks suspiciously like the Colossal Titan from Attack on Titan, but I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

[00:20:13]Asylum. They're looking for red mercury.

[00:20:16]What it does at this point is unclear, but it seems to be very valuable if the Russians are looking for it. But turns out the Asian chick is with the CIA and is intercepting the deal. And then she gets in a big fight with Benedict. All while Colossus just watches like, "Right, what is going on down there?"

[00:20:31]But then it breaks out and chases after the Russians before flattening him like a pancake. But Moira of course gets away safely. Cut to Jacksonville, Florida at a naval base where we're introduced to Dr. Allison Gray, who wrote an article on how megalodons could be used for deep sea defense. She then joins a meeting with the admiral because they're losing ships left, right, and center, and the mega is growing faster, and larger than ever before. They've already sent the air force to engage it and destroying a civilian vessel for some reason. But the Mega Shark can jump out of the water and attack jets now. Nothing is safe.

[00:21:05]>> It is highly theoretical.

[00:21:07]>> I'm convinced they made this guy British just because he's an [ __ ] I swear that's like the stereotype with these kinds of films. And it's true. We are [ __ ] She wants to make an EM field to repel shark attacks, but the others want to exterminate it completely. But someone calls her to tell her that they want to help her stop the shark attacks without needless killing and meets her in the parking lot. What's with this guy's ass beard? Just just look at him. She gets in the car and sets off towards the people that said they can help her. We then cut to the CIA headquarters where they're discussing Moira's carelessness setting Colossus loose. So, they suspend her for the time being. Now we cut to DNC, Florida, where we see this guy doing silly little finger dances, and he meets with Dr. Gray. Turns out he was using tech to listen to her conversations, which seems a bit invasive. The CEO wants to capture the Mega Shark and research nature's role in maintaining the ecosystem. So, it's kind of like Godzilla, I guess. Moira looks into Colossus, and it turns out it's a Cold War weapon, and Red Mercury powers it. It's essentially a smart bomb that can walk. But how is that better than an air strike? Red Mercury is also very explosive and it can basically nuke itself as a last resort. But again, just use a nuclear missile. What am I missing? But then you wouldn't have a big cool robot. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I forgot about that. They need to go behind the iron curtain to find the guy that designed it, Aramov, so she can put a stop to it before it flattens the entire country. She basically kidnaps a guy into helping her.

[00:22:38]>> I like her. Dr. Gray joins the Daint guy on his Monarch outpost ass ship powered by an EFF generator that can lure Mega Shark away from populated areas and control it. He hacked Gray's emails to get the blueprints and she's just like cool with it. What? If he did that to me, he'd probably just be crying. That man does not want to see my search history. We then cut to Gibraltar where USS Hartung is on standby. Admiral not Sam Jackson comes in and they're aiming to lure it towards them by using an insane amount of blood in order to destroy it. 100 miles west of the fleet is Damesek's ship and they're about to hijack their mission to see if their tech works. Also, CIA girls in the sky heading for the same location. So much is happening, but it's better than nothing happening. I'm looking at you.

[00:23:24]Ape versus monster. The admiral announces that they will open fire even on civilian vessels getting in their way. This guy is just straight up a menace. They then get a signal and it just headbutts the ship miles away.

[00:23:37]Jesus. They retaliate and open fire, injuring the Mega Shark. The Air Force is simultaneously trying to intercept Moira, but the Mega Shark tail flips a missile directly into her plane. And she comes crashing down. That shark has better aiming than me. I wonder what it's like playing Halo. Back to southern Ukraine. Colossus is spotted lasering fleeing civilians, which is weird. I mean, I didn't realize it was made by Israel.

[00:24:03]Thankfully, Moira was rescued by Dr. Gray and brought on board to the Daint ship, and she immediately goes for the gun.

[00:24:10]>> I like this one.

[00:24:11]>> She does a Kong and flashes her dislocated shoulder into place, which is just ow. in the Mediterranean Sea. Now, the pursuit for Mega Shark continues and Dainc CEO guy, who probably has a name, but I'm just going to call him CEO Guy, gives them a chopper to find the man that created Colossus so they can find out how to stop it. The Mega Shark returns, drawn to the bait, a whale loaded with explosives, but it somehow figured that out and throws it onto the ship just as it detonates, sinking the aircraft carrier into the ocean, which is just insane. This thing is crazy. Dr. Gray meets up with the admiral on the mainland and thankfully only like five people seem to be injured from that whole aircraft carrier. Oh, thank God.

[00:24:55]Back to Ukraine where Colossus continues its path of destruction and Moira got there shockingly fast. They walk through an abandoned town and this does not look like Ukraine. This looks suspiciously like a California backlot. They conveniently bump into Aramov or whatever his name is, the guy that created Colossus and the Red Mercury. He thinks of himself as a kind of Oppenheimer having created the next atomic bomb. To be fair, I wonder what Oenheimer would think of this giant robot atomic bomb. Like, I know my thing was bad, but Jesus, dude, what is wrong with you? The Russians had his lover Anna killed because they presumed she was a spy and had her executed on the spot. So, he retaliated by destroying the research and going missing in Ukraine. He tried burying it underground, but then it was discovered by the Russians who wanted to use it for war, which explains why they were looking for red mercury to power it. But as he's about to explain that a controller, the Russians arrive to stop them, and he dies in the process. But before he passes, he gives them Anna, which is a compass named after his dead lover, which will tell them where they need to go. I also name things after my first love. Like here is my child, who I called son of Godzilla. 1967 directed by John Fukuda. And before you ask, yes, he gets bullied relentlessly.

[00:26:15]Not far behind is Colossus, who destroys everything in sight with the agent somehow making it out of this alive.

[00:26:22]Back at the Dante ship, Dr. Gray is willing to cooperate with the admiral and wants to use the generator to kill the Mega Shark. Way to buckle to your morals, Dr. Gray. How could you? But then the Meg heads straight for them and she activates the beacon. And now it's trapped between the naval vessels and they just barrage it with missiles. The generator blows, however, and Mega Shark immediately pummel ships out of the water.

[00:26:47]The admiral then shoots one of the troopers and tries to gain control of the USS Galatia, who wants to nuke the Mega Shark. The missile fires, which would no doubt evaporate everyone in the area. Everyone is just running around the place panicking. And then he just shoots himself. This is just absolute chaos. I I can't keep up. Dr. Gray tries to lure the Mega Shark away on a small boat while the CEO guy hacks into the ship's main frame and makes this left tenant, the admiral, so they can cancel the detonation, which works, and they explode midair. Then this guy falls off the ship like a complete [ __ ] Couldn't be me, twin. My legs are simply too strong. Dr. Gray is just speeding along right now. And the mega shark almost gets her, but she's rescued by Moira, who Oh, wait. No, there's no way she made out of that. RIP, Dr. Gray, you will be missed. I like the CIA sidekick guy here. He reminds me of Rander in a lot of ways. It turns out the compass is pointing towards where the Russian guy invented red mercury, which is conveniently underwater.

[00:27:47]>> Oh, wait. Dr. Gray is alive. What? When did that happen? What? Moira takes off in her Osprey and releases a massive US flag that they thankfully had on standby to distract Colossus. And he's just like, >> "Capitalism not on my watch."

[00:28:02]>> Within her Osprey is attacked by Mega Shark and it goes down, but thankfully not before she parachutes out to safety.

[00:28:08]It almost gets her, but the power of freedom blinds it. Yeah. Colossus and Mega Shark finally meet underwater and engage in an epic battle. They bite, punch, swipe, and honestly, it's pretty cool. There is actually a lot of action compared to the travesty that was a versus monster. With the beast distracted, the team set off in their sub to find the Russian lab deep in the Black Sea. They get to the laboratory, which is filled with red mercury radiation, so every second counts. They need to be fast, or else the research base will go kaput thanks to the chaos happening around them. The hole starts cracking open just as they manage to find the controller and they rush to evacuate before the entire lab comes crashing down. Colossus lobs Mega Shark flying into the air. What? Just look at that. That is ridiculous. And then it heads towards the team. And just as it's about to annihilate them, they just manage to activate it, subduing the mechanized monster. But then shock and horror, it's revealed that the rich tech CEO guy is actually a villain. In case you didn't guess it already, he wanted to use the Mega Shark as a weapon, but now has something better. Colossus. He gets Colossus to give him the red Mercury fuel cell and uses it to power a device to control Mega Shark, meaning he basically has two world ending weapons at his disposal. the CEO guy hacks into Earth's satellites to transmit a message that he now runs the sea and land through the monsters and that he wants to destroy the cities to start again.

[00:29:41]But then the air force arrives as multiple countries are coming together to stop him. But he strikes back with lasers and shark attacks and even smashes two jets together. And during all this, the Daint CEO guy is using these kind of like hand trackers to control Colossus. And he's just like waving his arms around like some kind of evil maestro. This guy suddenly became my favorite character. He is delightfully camp to watch. The US even tries shooting a space laser at them, but then Colossus throws Mega Shark into space, which destroys the satellite and cuts the moon in half. This is just crazy. What is going on? I don't know, but I love it. though because this was obviously a massively stupid thing to do. The force of the impact dislodges the control device and Mega Shark retaliates against Colossus. While the carnage unfolds outside, the leads break out of their handcuffs and start beating up the crew to gain control of the ship.

[00:30:35]The shark attackers destroy the connection between Dne and Colossus, which leads to it firing its laser on the ship, meaning they have to abandon the vessel. Wee! Dne obviously gets what's coming to him and is squished by the very thing he tried to control, which is just a wonderful display of poetic justice there. But the Mega Shark and Colossus battle doesn't stop there.

[00:30:55]He spins and spins and then just yeets into the air and then back into the ocean where it heats up the red Mercury and then explodes like a giant atomic bomb, destroying both of them instantly.

[00:31:07]Though I'm not sure what changed and why it's suddenly self-sacrificial. Surely it would keep killing the humans. But I guess it realized it had bigger fish to fry literally and everyone lives happily ever after. But in the Aen Egan sea, whatever that how you [ __ ] pronounce that?

[00:31:24]>> Aian sea.

[00:31:25]>> Aian. But in the Aian sea, another shark hatches to replace its mother, which will probably inevitably lead to another sequel. So, that was Mega Shark versus Colossus, and that was actually really fun. It was pretty fast-paced for an Asylum film. Was almost entirely action.

[00:31:45]The acting was slightly better, but cheesy in that kind of Doctor Who way.

[00:31:49]Like Shark Topus, it's definitely worth the watch if you want a good bad film.

[00:31:54]They clearly cared more about this than Ape Versus Monster. It had nearly twice the budget, and it shows since they actually gave us the monster action that viewers were wanting. The story was all over the place, though, and it's sometimes hard to tell what exactly is going on. Might be because I haven't watched the others in the series, but maybe I'll add them to the list for the next season of Monster Theater. Now, on to the third, and frankly, the worst film on this list. Introducing Wolf Trac's Dinosaur Island. Whoever recommended me this, I hate you. So, let's get this over with. This animated film was directed by Colin Slater and stars Mark Hamill. What? How? How? How have they done that then? Presented in Puppetech. Must be some awesome advanced technology. Can't wait to see what it looks like.

[00:32:42]>> Fill your chest to the ocean's air.

[00:32:44]>> Jesus Christ.

[00:32:45]>> Starts out in the middle of the ocean and everyone looks like lifeless zombies.

[00:32:49]>> Say what now?

[00:32:51]>> I was recorded on a vibrator. When When was this made? Give me a second. I'll find out. 2004.

[00:32:58]What the actual living [ __ ] It looks like those early '90s video games. This had a $780,000 budget, by the way, adjusted for inflation. That's $1.4 million. Did Mark soak up the budget? What happened here?

[00:33:14]This needs investigating.

[00:33:16]Okay, so I looked it up. It turns out they invested a lot of money into the future of the company, including merch, software, and hardware, because they really thought that this would be the next big thing. As if this was going to go anywhere. So, there's your second fun fact for the day.

[00:33:32]A storm comes along, knocking them off course, and one of them is thrown off the ship, and they just immediately think he's dead. They don't even try looking for him. Then a mysterious wormhole opens up and they travel through it into another world. Apart from the captain who's seemingly left behind, they wake up on an island and we then get to hear some of the just nonsensical dialogue.

[00:33:52]>> Oh my head or what's left of it.

[00:33:56]>> What does that even mean? Please. Even Xavier Renegade Angel looks better like and that was trying to be bad.

[00:34:03]>> Jack is alive somehow and they spot something flying in the sky. None other than a pterodactyl. But they don't really put two and two together just yet. They get to work building a place to sleep for the night, but then they climb this cliff face to spot a bunch of abandoned ships. Is that the Titanic? I guess this place is meant to be like the Bermuda Triangle where loads of ships just go missing. But then we spot our first big dinosaur when a soropod comes along and trashes their new den and they're kind of just like completely unfased by the fact it's a dinosaur until that guy just straight up screams.

[00:34:37]This whole thing is just really unsettling. I I do not like it. Blake says, "Have you ever seen so many stars in the sky?" Because it's obviously beautiful without light pollution. And then she just says, "None of my business."

[00:34:48]>> None of my business.

[00:34:50]>> What does that even mean? Whose business? I'm I'm about to get violent.

[00:34:54]They just randomly find a compass on the beach to help them find their way home.

[00:34:58]>> Ask and ye shall receive.

[00:35:01]>> We could use a buffet.

[00:35:03]>> All right, that was that was pretty funny. Then they go looking for a way off the island. We see soraods and a demented triceratops that looks like he's seen too much. And then some raptors who come in for the hunt and then Troy just runs at them with a gun and then just beats the [ __ ] out of them like she's Sarah Connor. But then Mummy Trit comes to the rescue to help out Troy and her baby.

[00:35:24]Then Blake falls into a hole to his death. Oh wait, no, he's still alive.

[00:35:28]Then they're attacked by more raptors and forced to flee the scene just as Jake is airlifted away by a terasaur and we're given this longass shot of them gliding over this terrible looking island. Who let this happen? I'm I'm getting angry. She then blasts the pterodactyl with a flare gun.

[00:35:44]>> I started blasting.

[00:35:46]>> She is a menace. Forget the asteroid. I think she caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. He then hits his balls on a branch. I think this film has a fetish for torturing him. A song with balls.

[00:35:56]This has gone too far. This wedgie shot then goes on for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

[00:36:07]Then to make matters worse, raptors attack and start trying to nibble at his feet. Back in the cave that Blake fell into, he runs out and bumps into the trike with Troy riding it, who has quickly become a master of the island.

[00:36:20]They find cave paintings from multiple cultures and times, which tells us this island isn't just set in the past. It's a kind of alternate dimension where time and space converge. Then they find a perfectly intact pirate ship and decide to investigate. They face they face straight through the ship and find a PNG of a book which reveals they went through a passage in time. As if they didn't already figure that out.

[00:36:44]>> All that still leaves one nagging question.

[00:36:48]>> So stupid. I like this guy. They realize the pirate is probably still alive since his passages in the book go on for hundreds of years, implying he's been dipping in and out of the wormholes. So, they go looking for him for a chance to escape. And in the shadows, someone is watching them. Is it the captain? Oh, it could be anyone. It could be anyone.

[00:37:07]Then out comes what I think is a T-Rex, but it has three fingers. So, honestly, who even knows? But before it manages to eat them, it's drawn away by the sound of a horn, which they deduce must be controlling it. So they go find whoever's responsible. Meanwhile, they're stalked by a horde of compies and a bunch of them are just squished by a brachiosaurus. This is just really sad. I didn't didn't like seeing that.

[00:37:29]When is this going to end? How much time is left in this thing? Let me look. Oh, kill me. Kill me, please. Strikes follow their course and they discover some kind of Egyptian block with hieroglyphs written all over it. And beside it is an ancient city, an amalgamation of multiple cultures and times. Or at least that's what I presume. It kind of just looks like a lot of nothing. They then find another guy hiding behind the stone tablet, which turns out to be the cabin boy from the ship. And it turns out he saved Jack by dragging him out of the ocean and also planted the compass on the beach to help them, which is very convenient. Thank thanks cabin boy. They then bump into what I think is two dilophosaurus that chase after them. And Troy lures them to the T-Rex to fight.

[00:38:09]And my god, just look how good that looks. Those are some angry pixels. Then they bump into some guy who electrocutes the trike. They go after him in an epic chase and then he dives in what looks like slow motion before many more people come forward and take them away by force. They tie them up for what looks to be a sacrificial ceremony in a similar way as King Kong. Yes. Yeah.

[00:38:31]Please. I hope this gets dark. They blow the horn to attract the dinosaurs hopefully where we see them just horrifically eaten. Like it's just weirdly detailed for that one scene.

[00:38:40]They get into an argument because it turns out that Blake has been taking her research and passing it off as his own or something like that. It's kind of vague. Then the little cabin boy comes over to the rescue and for some reason just gives him the knife instead of just cutting them both out. Then Blake only frees her and is like, "Guess I'll die."

[00:38:57]And then she says, "Blake, no." Like, make up your mind. Are you angry at him or not? I'm I'm speeding through this right now. Please just stay with me.

[00:39:03]Jack uses his fishing rod to take the horn. Where was he even where was he even hiding that? Then the leader is like, "Nah." and gets this terasaur to bring it back. And then he just ragdolls down the hill.

[00:39:14]>> Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne.

[00:39:16]>> The leader takes off his mask to reveal he's actually the captain, the one that went missing in that first scene. I'm I'm actually gobsmacked right now. And for for some reason, his hands are still black. I Oh. Oh, they're gloves. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. Jack is in shock until a rock knocks him out.

[00:39:37]What? What? What is going on? What is going on? I'm getting [ __ ] angry. I'm I'm getting delirious. Please, please, residents, help me. He reveals his name is Captain Blood, which is brilliant. Do you reckon his mom was actually really nice and was annoyed she had to be called Mrs. Blood? Do you reckon there's someone out there called Mr. Piss?

[00:39:56]He's the owner of the ship we saw earlier and the writer of the journal.

[00:40:00]Now, I get he's the captain, but who are the others? Where did they come from?

[00:40:04]Are they his crew mates? Still no idea why he disappears at the start or why he even feeds the dinosaurs. It's literally never explained.

[00:40:16]>> Why? Why? Why? Why? But then a horde of trikes appear and push the carnivores away. And then Troy uses a flare gun to scare the humans into their homes. But then Captain Blood takes the diamond and wormholes away, presumably never to be seen again. Turns out the others are chill though. You could you could say they were just following orders. The main crew then return to the beach and build a raft so they can return to the wormhole. And they even bring little Clive with them. Isn't that nice?

[00:40:44]>> Ready to get off this island? No, I belong here with the dinosaurs and the heat.

[00:40:50]>> This jack guy is just straight up me.

[00:40:52]Like all I'd be doing is complaining about the heat as well. But wait, the T-Rex and Captain Blood come back and he trashes the raft. We only have a few minutes left. So, how are they going to resolve this? Well, tough luck, cuz that's the ending. I'm not joking. There isn't even a part two. The company filed for bankruptcy as soon as the investors saw this mess. To be fair, making any work of art is difficult. It's a long, painful process with all sorts of technical hurdles. So, in most cases, I'd feel bad for Colin Slater, but in this case, I don't because he has ties to Scientology. Wolf Trac's Dinosaur Island is awful in every way. The dialogue is bizarre. The animation is genuinely horrible. Even for 2004 standards, it felt like one long fever dream. It was only 42 minutes long, but somehow it felt like 4 hours. But now it's over. Thankfully, I can rest in peace.

[00:41:47]So, there we have it. Some of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. Ape versus Monster was boring slop, and Dinosaur Island made me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon. Though I was pleasantly surprised by Mega Shark versus Colossus. If the rest of the series are about as fun as that, we might be on to a winner. Of course, that doesn't mean it's a good film. But damn, it was fun. Now, what will be next from The Wheel of Monstrosity? We have to find out next time. What other films should we add to the list? Let us know in the comment section down below. Be sure to like and subscribe and stop the notification button to become a resident of today. I've been your mayor, Alistister, and we'll see you residents in the next one.

[00:42:47]Go away.