Autism - Dealing With Late Diagnosis

[00:00:07]Hey everybody, welcome back. So, uh I know I'm not sure what the title of this is, but uh I did make kind of a video about this a few months back. I'm probably going to take that one down just cuz I didn't I don't know. I didn't do well on that video. like me myself, I just don't think it really it definitely wasn't a good dive into it, I guess you could say.

[00:00:38]But, um, just just this year, um, and it was fully finalized recently.

[00:00:46]Um, I was diagnosed with autism.

[00:00:50]Uh, I have autism level one.

[00:00:54]And uh, you know, I've had it my whole life because before you are actually born, that's when you have autism. It's not something you can get after. You're born with it.

[00:01:07]Um, it's been a uh, big struggle for me severely on all aspects my whole life.

[00:01:17]this past 2 years of this diagnosis because it's taken a while to really get through this whole thing. Uh I went through this uh this crash growing up. I had severe mental issues knowing now I have autism.

[00:01:32]It was pretty much all my autism. I was mismed most of the time. I didn't even take the medicine because it just never helped.

[00:01:41]Um, but it was always thrown at depression or anxiety, you know, whenever I would go and try to get help with it because in school I struggled horribly. I will go over everything I struggle with. This video is going to be kind of around, but I'm going to try to be a bit more precise with things I say as I've learned more about autism. A few misconceptions I'd like to also say before we get in. Like I said a minute ago, autism is something that is it's a development developmental I can't talk right now. You know what I'm talking about. Disorder or disability. You have it before you're born. It's one of those things. And I also hear sometimes, well, everyone's autistic or a little autistic. That's not true. It's simply not true. Um you're either neurody divergent or you're not. Also, with how I talk about things in this, I don't want to come off as, you know, I'm I'm better than anyone. I'm, oh, I'm in this, you're not. That's not what I'm trying to say at all. I would never want to do that.

[00:02:44]I'm just stating facts within this kind of thing as I learn about it more. So, there'll be things like that, but just know I would never want to, you know, try to be like that. This has been life-changing getting the diagnosis.

[00:03:01]And I think I said when I started, but I'm aut autism level one. It used to be called uh Asberers, but they don't call it that anymore. If you were diagnosed with, you know, Asberers, you know, years ago, or even if someone still said it now, it's fine to use it. You know, whatever whatever you want to say.

[00:03:18]Through my official DSM5 diagnosis, uh I am autism level one. So there's one, two, and three. And mainly throughout, but the difference between one, two, and three, they're the same spectrum. It's all autism.

[00:03:35]You know, in any of the categories, you have autism, but it's mainly the support and care needs that change between 1, two, and three. Um, as you guys, you know, are able to tell, uh, you know, I I I do live as an adult and I severely struggle massively in a lot of adult things, but there's a part of me that still can do it. And as you go down through, you know, two and three, that's when the support really changes.

[00:04:09]Like I said, all over the place of this video, that's just how my mind is when I talk about stuff. I didn't write anything down. Um AI didn't write this.

[00:04:18]Uh this is just whatever I'm thinking of I'll just talk about.

[00:04:24]So the things that I struggle with, I severely struggle with a lot of social things. Uh I severely struggle with noise a lot of the time, light. And the reason I'm actually making this video is because the past day and a half I've been in what's called uh an autistic burnout.

[00:04:48]And basically what leads up to me being in a burnout and being me. This is me.

[00:04:53]This monotone voice, this almost sad expression. This is me. I'm very blank.

[00:05:02]Most of everything else is kind of something I've acted. Not I didn't I I didn't know I was acting my whole life, but I was covering who I truly was.

[00:05:14]And uh who I truly was was still in front of everyone. But there was this extra push to be normal when I'm not normal. That has led me more stress than I needed over the years. unknowingly. By the way, I didn't know I was doing that and it put too much pressure on me. So, like I said, the past couple days I've had autistic burnout is what it's called. Now, everyone struggles with burnout. You know, you can get exhausted over something. You know, bad things can happen, but um I won't fully get into the differences, but there is a big difference between like a normal burnout and an autistic burnout.

[00:05:55]When I go into burnout, it's usually from days before that where I'm pushing myself to try to be an adult and be normal in a lot of ways that I know in my mind are normal because I've observed them from other people. But for me, it's a struggle to stay in that line and be like that. And then eventually after all of this acting, it's too much and I collapse.

[00:06:23]Not physically, but my my brain gives up. My brain is completely out of power and it crashes. And things that I love.

[00:06:35]Some of you know I like collecting coins. I like nature. Um music. I make music. Uh there's so many parts of me that there's unique things that I love and I have a special interest and absolutely love them. When I'm in autistic burnout, I lose all of it. I have no interest, nothing. I have no ambition. I'm not motivated in any way slightly possible.

[00:07:04]I'm severely depressed. I have horrible thoughts. I have panic attacks. I start to feel weak. My whole body feels weak, like I have the flu. My uh mind races even more. And it's just all of the most horrible things your mind can do at once.

[00:07:24]I lose communication.

[00:07:28]Basically, when I am in burnout, I lose all of my masking skills.

[00:07:36]Everything goes out the door. I can't physically do that extra bit to mask and try to cover it. I tend to lock myself away and be by myself. Even hearing other people makes it worse. If if I'm like that and I'm hearing other people, it makes me worse. It puts me deeper just cuz I need nothing. I need I need to just either sit or or just I'll even try to play music. I love music. But when I'm in that mind state, that's it's uncontrollable. By the way, even music that I love, you know, music that has words, lyrics, you know, someone either singing or rapping, whatever, I can't even listen to that because I'll get severely agitated cuz my head is at that much of a limit that it can't take the input of words. It's just too much over the top. And like I said, I can't talk. It drives probably my family crazy because I literally it's when I'm in burnout I try to make words and I can't.

[00:08:39]They're here in my head fully in my head developed but I can't get them out. My brain is crashed. There's nothing left.

[00:08:49]So that's how I was yesterday.

[00:08:52]And the reason for that is because days before that I was doing I was at a few events with with the burnout. I can sense it coming and then it happens. But before here's here's here's where learning I'm autistic has started to help me. It's gonna take a while to kick in, you know, but knowing I'm autistic, I think will help me and has already helped me more than any medication on this planet ever could. As I said, medication has never helped me. My head powers around it. I wish it didn't do that, but it does. Do I want to be on medication? No. I want to be me. Going through this whole process, I don't know. It's been crazy to me. There are a lot of things that I thought were normal with how my mind worked that I've completely learned aren't normal with talking to other people. You know, even even someone with ADHD, there's similarities with autism. You know, they're all uh neurodeivergent things.

[00:09:50]And I have found comfort in talking to, you know, well, I tend to be friends with people with what I have because that's just kind of the same mind state or or just uh, you know, the way of interest or the way of interaction. There's just a lot of similarities with it that gives me comfort. I've kind of regressed. This is another thing I did some research on because I was very confused what was happening over the past like four years. I'm 24 now. Over the past four years, I've actually lost skills.

[00:10:25]I've lost them. And I I just I feel like a toddler. I I feel like I'm When I get like that, I'm like, "What is wrong with you, Nick?" Like, "Why are you losing the ability to do these things?"

[00:10:38]Recently, the skill I've been losing is my social battery. It's uh it's very exhausting. It's severely exhausting. Just another thing, you know, even with with me sitting right here right now with the camera, with the camera, I tend to stare at the camera, right? So, it may look like I'm looking at you, right? if you're watching on your TV or whatever. But for the most part, me and eye contact, like in a setting, when I make eye contact with someone in person and I'm the one talking, it actually physic I feel pain.

[00:11:20]I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I feel physical pain. it it's so deep to me and so my head's already thinking of so many things and studying so many things about the person in their voice and the things around them and things that I'm thinking about from the past. I'm thinking about the future. I'm thinking about space. I'm thinking about things I have to do. I'm thinking about everything you could imagine while talking to someone, studying them, and then to make eye contact throws me over the limit. So, I tend to not make as much eye contact, especially when I'm talking.

[00:11:55]I think I look at someone more whenever they're talking because it's only that, you know, what I'm viewing and what I'm hearing. And I don't have to add in speaking because I'm listening. I have still been wearing uh obviously not right now. I'm not wearing my headphones cuz I'm out here and you know, I really like being alone and just kind of being in nature. But I I wear my noise cancelling headphones or uh the loop earplugs that were sent to me. I I wear those a lot like when I'm driving. Even just the sound of vehicles are it's severely overwhelming to me in stores. It's a severe issue. Now, keep in mind, you know, I have a little target range here. You know, I I have I shoot targets and things like that. Understand that's noise, right? I love fireworks. I have fireworks every year, real loud. I go for the loudest fireworks I can buy. But the big issue with me and noise is if I'm not in control of the noise, I have severe issues. Um, especially with music or if if some loud noise catches me off guard, you know, just think about when, you know, because this will happen to everyone. It's it's a basic instinct of instinct of living.

[00:13:14]You know, say you're in a quiet house and you're walking and something glass drops behind you and shatters and you jump. It's like, "Oh."

[00:13:22]Well, for me, I get that initial reaction like that. But it feels like I'm getting just absolutely stabbed on the inside and then I shut down just from a noise like that that caught me off guard. And that noise will loop in my head and have me shocked for usually around a day.

[00:13:44]If I'm dry, I don't want to be wet at all.

[00:13:48]I walk outside and it's not supposed to be raining, nothing, but just say there's morning dew, you know, moisture on our tin roof and one drop hits me on my neck. That will send me in a mood for an entire day just from that unexpected discomfort. I would also like to mention I have obsessivempulsive disorder. I have OCD.

[00:14:10]You know, I have things like this is constantly looping in my head, by the way. If I walk past a desk and there's a just say there's a paper on a desk on a table, right? Well, when you walk past it, do you even think I mean, you think in your head for a second, it's like, oh, there's a paper there. For me, sometimes my head will start looping this saying like, "If you don't turn that paper, this will happen to this person you love." Something horrible, by the way.

[00:14:42]And it'll keep looping it unless I do that thing. Or like if I lock our house door at night, I lock it, I start walking away, and in my head I'm like, "You better double check that or this will happen." So, I have to go back and then I keep doing it and I get stuck in a loop. Um, so that really sucks. I don't like that because I don't like the thoughts that my head comes up with. And yeah, there's a part of me that's like, "Yeah, that stuff wouldn't happen if I just left it." But the problem is my mind never shuts off.

[00:15:11]Just an example of my mind never shutting off. I can't sleep. I usually fall asleep at like 2:30 in the morning and that's when I'm physically, mentally exhausted. That's when my head gives up.

[00:15:24]But just for example, this is this is just how annoying my mind is.

[00:15:29]If I go to go, if I go and I lay down in my head, it starts going, "Okay, now you got to go to sleep. This is bedtime.

[00:15:35]This is when you sleep. Okay, go to sleep. This is what it feels like to die. This is all of that starts looping when I'm trying to sleep." And then a lot of the times what happens is I'm really into space. I'm really into history and just all those branches.

[00:15:51]And it's like in my mind because I have like a severe imagination.

[00:15:56]It will it's almost like I leave my body and go into space and all the things I know about space. I start looking and then it it makes me feel real small because I'm going out of here. That's when I'm trying to sleep. Okay. Like I'm a lot of times I am exhausted and I still can't sleep, right? Like it's just like I have to trick myself to fall asleep because my mind is so hyperactive.

[00:16:19]It never stops. Ever. What kills me is like I wish like when I woke up there would be a little bit of time before it kicked in. No. My dreams, my nightmares, me right right now, I'm always at the same processing speed in my mind. Yeah.

[00:16:38]I it's that's another thing. The the part that actually cripples me at times.

[00:16:44]This is the autistic burnout really does hurt me deeply and makes me almost like I'm like I'm 5 years old again.

[00:16:53]Literally my mind, it's all me. It's not like it's other voices in my head. It's it's all me, right? It's all me in my own mind.

[00:17:02]But at any given time, there's at least 30 thoughts that are getting thrown around in my head.

[00:17:11]Um it could be anything. It could be something simple. It could be something pointless to think about. It could be something I don't know. But everything is severely realistic. There's nothing in my mind that's not realistic. And that's what makes it hard is whenever I'm upset, everything in my head's horrible, but it's all severely realistic. So, there's no escaping it. I can't run from my mind. There's no running from my mind.

[00:17:37]I've found that going out of my way to do a bunch of things to run away from my mind, it just hurts me more because my head knows what I'm doing. And when it catches me, it buries me deeper. It's like I was talking to my mom, right? I just did some research and I just looked up things that I could ask family members that may be neurotypical to just, you know, just gauge because I've always been like this. I've always lived like this since I was born. This is my mind.

[00:18:05]There's a bunch of crows over there.

[00:18:06]planted corn. One thing I asked my mom was she was sitting on her couch and I was like, "So, what are you what are you thinking about right now?" Or like, you know, "How many voices are in your mind?" And there was kind of like a pause and she said, you know, "Uh, well, there's, you know, there's the one my thinking, you know, the voice that's thinking."

[00:18:30]And I I I just I started like to smile cuz I'm like, "What do you like?" And I was like, "What do you mean?" Like, "What do you mean there's or she might have said one or two kind of thoughts?"

[00:18:42]I said, I said, "What do you mean though?" Like, cuz I was just confused.

[00:18:46]Like, when I heard that, I'm like, "What?" And uh said, "Yeah, there's, you know, the one internal kind of voice and then there's few thoughts."

[00:18:57]And that's when I said what my mind's like.

[00:19:01]My mind is like literally 30 times what it should be. Okay, it's 30 of me in one body.

[00:19:13]They're all trying to break out. It's all me. They'd be identical clones of me. These aren't characters that my head's made up. It's just my processing power in my mind. And that's another thing like um when I went through the professional diagnosis the the one big test was like 5 hours long. Um there was a lot of stuff I have the packet. There was a lot of stuff wrote down that I didn't notice about myself. I guess whenever I took the test there were some signs just visually that I I didn't know she was looking for that. This surprised me. I keep up a mask right especially with people I'm not super comfortable with. If I'm super close to someone, they know how I am deeply when I get like this because they're around me enough, right? And I'm more comfortable to be like that. But to anyone not like that, I have to keep this mask up because if I don't, I'm not Nick. I'm completely different. She said whenever I took the test or before the test said, you know, facial expressions normal and that's just me acting.

[00:20:14]And uh whenever I started taking the test, I guess that's where I started to the the the the cover come off of me. And I didn't know I did that, but she said the cover uh well, she didn't really say that, but she ju she just wrote down everything that changed with me when I was focused on something. And she said I would turn my head and I dropped my jaw and my just my mouth was open and uh and I would twitch and I would do things with my hands. I would like move my legs. I just all these different things that I know are that's me. When I'm in my room, you should see how I sit or what I do with my hands when there's music playing or uh the noises that I keep playing. I keep playing the same noises or uh I'll play the same song a h 100 times in a day and because it feels comfortable and I know I know where it's going and where the pattern's going. And there's a lot of things that as soon as I leave my room, I cover because I understand after studying most normal people that these aren't things that an adult should do.

[00:21:30]And what's happened is I've kind of pushed myself into my own box. But after doing some research on it, I've learned just how much that can make it worse for you. it can make your autism way worse.

[00:21:45]Um, it's always at the same standard, right? You know, your autism is the same. It's just when your overwhelm hits, I've noticed now that I've started to unmask and kind of take away these things that cover me from looking weird to people, my uh regression hasn't been as bad, you know, losing skills. Me myself, I've it's I'm not as overwhelmed. So, yeah.

[00:22:12]Yeah, there's there's a lot of stuff.

[00:22:13]Another thing is I had to do an IQ test uh alongside my DSM5, you know, for autism and ADHD and uh you know, I went through that and uh I guess my IQ, she told me most things were average. You know, I was right at average level. So she said there's not a uh function issue as far as you know what the brain is capable of. But she said there were a few things where I was highly exceptional in and I was way above normal. Those things were it was something to do with memory pattern recognition because when I did the test I beat all of the books I guess you could say. You know there were books during the test where it's so many patterns right? You know, there's like one box and something changes in it, right? Or just say this is how it started. So, one page it would be square, triangle, square, triangle.

[00:23:16]And then it would go triangle, square, triangle, square. Well, then we ask, what's the next one? And obviously, you'd go back to what the first one was because that's the opposite pattern.

[00:23:26]Well, that's a simple one, right?

[00:23:29]I got all the way until the end of the book. We finished the book and some of the patterns that I was doing, I I didn't know how I was doing it, but it was interesting to me and it was kind of fun. You know, like the the last one I did, there was a say there was an octagon, right?

[00:23:49]And inside of it, there's four different other shapes. Each of those shapes are a different color.

[00:23:56]Well, you go to the the next part of the pattern, the outer border, I don't know, just just say it's like a pentagon and then the inside it's those shapes that were in the last one inside. They're flip-flopped and they're different colors and there'd be like three of that and then it would say what's the next one and I got them all right. I don't know how I did that. my digits. There was a test where we went through. Okay, say this is how it started.

[00:24:27]She would say two and this at this speed too. I'm going to do it the same speed she's doing. 2 1 7 and then I'd have to go I'd have to repeat it. 2 1 7.

[00:24:40]Okay. And then it got it got more challenging. I had to cover my eyes because I couldn't take visual input because it was too much on my mind. So I'd cover my eyes and listen to her say she'd say six digits, right? Not quick.

[00:24:52]They'd be spaced. So you have to hold them in your head even longer and she'd be like, "Okay, what were the last three digits if all the digits were from least to greatest?"

[00:25:06]And I got through that. So I got all the way up until 11 digits.

[00:25:12]So you'd read 11 digits out to me.

[00:25:15]And this is where I couldn't do anymore.

[00:25:17]uh because it was hard. But she'd read 11 digits and she'd say, "Okay, the 11 digits I just read you from least to greatest. What are the last four numbers of what I just read?" And I got to that and then I said, "Look, I can't I can't do anymore cuz my mind was starting to hurt. I'm like, I can't do that anymore.

[00:25:37]That's too much." She said, "Well, that's actually the farthest someone has got on this test yet." She said, "I was the farthest some." And I'm like, "Really?

[00:25:47]Uh, but I guess that was almost that might be the limit of that test or it's at the top. I don't know. But whatever it is, I didn't think I could do that.

[00:25:56]And a lot of the puzzles I have the ability to I could fully scan something with my mind. You're just looking at it because there's no paper or pencil for any of these physical in-person test uh, you know, different things to go with it. I was able to look at a pattern on the table, grab part of it in the air like this because part of my mind was seeing that in the air and I I could have that pattern and I could turn that pattern like this. I was literally turning it like this with my hand and in my mind it would turn. So this was kind of taking some of that out of my mind. So not so much was in my mind and it was handling the turning of the pattern for each step. And then another part over here was flip-flopping the colors and another part was doing the main shape. And that's how I was able to do the patterns. I don't know if everyone's like that. I haven't looked into it.

[00:26:49]Maybe that's another thing. I have a severe imagination. I can almost see things. I can overlay things. I notice really discreet patterns. It's just the part of my mind that likes that. Yeah. I don't know where I was going with that part, but I guess that's just kind of a look into where my curiosity is sitting is just in these things that I didn't know. I didn't realize. Yeah. I mean, the point of this video is I'm I'm definitely going to be spreading awareness about autism. You know, it about took me if I'm being honest with you guys. This is it's important to me now. It's it's very important to me because it's a serious issue, okay? especially, you know, everyone on the autism spectrum has hard time. Okay.

[00:27:32]Uh, at times you're great and you're you're adventurous. You're you're at your you're at this severe point of understanding. You're at this severe point of learning. You're and then the next day you're it's like you're reset back to default settings. It's scary. I think the biggest issue I've had is most things in the world are not made for someone neurode divergent.

[00:27:56]And I mean that's understandable because, you know, it's only a few% of the population.

[00:28:01]But as time goes on, it's becoming more of a known thing. And a lot of people now will say, you know, why is this now a big deal? Why is this all just why is everyone getting diagnosed with this stuff? And why is this? Well, it's always been a thing. Okay? This has been around forever. It's a genetic, you know, this it's genetic. It's it's a thing. There's just more awareness now.

[00:28:26]You know, I'm sure there's other things out there that don't even have the level of awareness that autism has at this point and people severely struggle with.

[00:28:36]I think it's very important because with me, to most people, most people don't think I'm autistic.

[00:28:42]Most people I know that don't really notice it, uh, it's because I've been masking my whole life and I've been covering who I truly am. And that's not to say I haven't been me on my YouTube channel. That's been me on my YouTube channel. I don't write anything down.

[00:28:57]That's all just coming out of my mind through any of the videos when I was younger, anything. That was all me. But there's this social part that I would cover to take away my weirdness.

[00:29:09]Uh, you know, in school I got bullied for being real fat and I got bullied for being weird and annoying. And being fat, yeah, that hurts sometimes, but like what really killed me is when I would be treated different for just how I acted because in school I was hyper and that was just kind of part of my mind coming out and tended to really annoy people and uh it it really hurt me. It hurt me deeply. Another thing I want to get into is I don't want to say the school system failed me because that's like putting all of my failure with school onto something else and that's just not the case. You know, part of it definitely was me. But I have a ninth grade education, guys. Okay? I have a ninth grade education. I'm 24. I got my GED and I know that's an accomplishment, but still.

[00:30:04]It killed me leaving school. In school, my head got so bad that I would physically lose my ability to walk.

[00:30:14]I'd lose my ability to talk. I would disassociate. I wouldn't know where I was. I didn't know I was a human. That's how bad my mind got when I was even younger in school. And now knowing I have autism, I see why I got like that. There was severe overload on all levels. The sensory, you know, especially with learning, I have severe learning disabilities at times. Uh, I have a hard time in school.

[00:30:44]I had no help because I wasn't diagnosed. And actually, some of the teachers bullied me in front of class for missing school.

[00:30:53]And uh, the reason I missed it is because even that young, I was close to the edge because of my mind. And uh so in ways I definitely was failed, but now I know and I kind of discovered it myself that I was autistic and I'm kind of proud of that. And I'm also really proud of, you know, how how long I've been able to to limp through life and keep up with this mentally without knowing because it's severely hard. And you know, a message to anyone that you know has been told and I know you can you can self diagnose with autism because you know getting the test can be pretty expensive. at all odds try to get a diagnosis if you're still you believe you're autistic but you're always going through it in your mind and uh you can't you can't lock it in because you don't have it on paper and you don't have it professionally done then I really recommend trying your hardest even if it's a multi-year weight like I had to do please try to get diagnosed and uh it'll help you more than you think it at first it will traumatize you and you get hit with all of these severe downfalls in your life and these horrible times that loop in your mind, but it was just because you're autistic, you know, it was just because and you didn't know that. And you know, like I said with me, I didn't know that years ago when I thought of autism. I was like most, you know, people that think about it. I'm like, you know, when I thought about it, and this just me being honest, when I thought about it when I was younger, I thought it was someone that, you know, needed a helper with them at all times.

[00:32:41]And trust me, I feel like I need a helper a lot. But I somehow power through uh that feeling. But uh I hope over time that's kind of a vision that's lost and autism is seen across its spectrum.

[00:32:59]on all the levels, you know.

[00:33:03]So, yeah, this is kind of a I haven't made a video in a while and I apologize, guys.

[00:33:10]I I've just been I've still been doing stuff that I normally do and would film, but I've just been trying to just live and kind of take this in and process it.

[00:33:23]my process or my processing power in my mind. It takes a while to go through things, especially with death and big big things. My mind takes sometimes years to process it.

[00:33:36]So, uh I'm going to be doing more videos on this because it is severely important to me to help others that have autism, especially undiagnosed.

[00:33:46]Undiagnosed autism can be deadly and I know that. So, um, if you have that suspicion, if you've been on medicine for anxiety, depression, it does nothing, doesn't help your main core problem, you get severely overwhelmed, sensitive, don't know what's wrong with you, you feel like a failure, you feel worthless, then maybe you should look into autism.

[00:34:10]So, uh, yeah, that's just me talking.

[00:34:14]I do have some videos I want to put up and I I really care about you guys deeply. Everyone on this channel and I'm really sorry for, you know, the slowdown in videos. I really am sorry. It kills me every day. But it's just been a lot to take in and process, especially after how my childhood went with my mind. So, um yeah. Uh not sure how anyone will take this video, but I'm just going to put this on as is. And uh yeah, I uh I'll be on here more. So, I'm just processing with this, dealing with it, and it's just a lot to think over many years of builtup tension. So, I thank you guys for watching and being around.