Lately, I Keep Changing My Mind

追加: 2026-05-17

[00:00:00]Hi you guys. Okay, so I made a decision to sit down and do this vlog already cuz I was thinking of doing it for a couple of months now.

[00:00:11]Uh I've I've been overthinking it. I'll be honest with you. I've put too much pressure about the planning, the structuring the vlog. So it makes sense to create like a topic for each vlog and then zoom into that like with stories and my opinions on it. But then it becomes so much work that I just put it to the side and procrastinate on it forever. So my bad. I'll go back to maybe even shorter vlogs. I think maybe I'll post like per thought. So if I have a topic in mind, I'll just give you all I got in the moment and I'll just upload that video and I won't wait until I come up with more thoughts or more stories or stuff like that. That's another part of my uh guilt is I oftentimes post videos and I just like man this is just there's like so much stuff happening in the world and this is what I'm talking about and it's just makes me feel a little guilty and ashamed almost a little you know so some of the latest things uh that happened I cut my hair as you know I cut my own hair um I actually did do highlights uh probably around Christmas time and then I regret dreaded them. I don't know if I talked about that, but I'll repeat myself. And then I ended up covering them up with the darker blonde. So, I didn't have layers for a while. I was draw I was growing out my hair to be just one length or close to one length.

[00:01:36]And then I was doing a ponytail and I hated that I don't have any front pieces. So, I'm just like, I'm cutting my hair today. And it just like went, you know how I cut my hair like split in half and then cut right here and then I just do uh like a more more gradual layering basically around the face cuz I wanted to have these face pieces for when I when I have my hair up. But I didn't think about that. It's going to thin out my ends here and create more texture. And I actually feel like I looked better without texture at the ends. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe these little flips are more charming. Who knows? So you guys, off topic, but I wanted to share with you something that I have just realized uh yesterday, and I actually perfectly summarized it to my mom in the chat yesterday. So you know, in the last 6 months, I have not been sleeping very well. Well, in the last year and a half, but last 6 months specifically have been like a really consistent struggle with sleep. And it's okay. I don't need to fix anything. It's another thing. One day I'm like, I have to fix this. We have to create a routine and like this training schedule and by the end of the night I'm like just we'll just do the same thing. Just it's okay. But go back to what the point that I was trying to make. So my body has created a new survival skill and it's this resistance to crisis. I wonder if anybody else has experienced that. I did not have that with Mila. I was an anxious mess with Mila, especially first two years.

[00:03:17]And the few times that I did get angry, I went full on smack like panic scream like that kind of stuff. And it happened maybe like twice in the last 6 months.

[00:03:29]But the rest of the time my body and I don't know if it's my brain or my body is doing it fully but I know for a fact it's a survival uh survival mechanism that my nervous system has created for itself. I just deny I have like a protective shield around me and not a lot of things can stress me out. If something is starting to buzz into the area of anxiety, I stop it and I say, you know what, I don't want to know about this. Or, you know what, I don't want to go into this discussion. I feel like it's a heavy topic and I don't know if I can process it fully and properly right now.

[00:04:14]Like, I'm very articulate about it usually, too. I don't want to get in into a fight about this. We can create a solution, but I don't want to fight like this. I'm almost like a robot. Like my my heart does not pound about things. How do I put this, you guys? It's It's definitely like a survive magazine. So, if I see bad news, I click away very calmly. I'm just like, "Nope, not going to let it in."

[00:04:44]And I'm like, "Who is this girl?" I kind of like her because I almost wish I would keep that skill cuz I just I have a feeling it's because of the sleep and like my body is not properly able to process stress a lot.

[00:05:00]Uh plus I work out and I already can sometimes not recover enough and I regret really going hard at workouts nowadays. So, I know for a fact it's the nervous system um take down off anything that can stress me out.

[00:05:19]Quick example, we had some lawn uh installation by um some lawn company, whatever maintenance company to come in and do it and they've done a lot of mistakes. I mean, a ton. And Daryl was spiraling really and like trying to get me into that spiral too to kind of like get upset. And I was like, I'm not going to get upset. And I just And he's like, you don't understand. I'm like, no, no.

[00:05:46]I I like totally understand. I just don't want to go there. I And he was almost a little angry with me that I didn't get as upset as he got. And usually I would be like, "Oh my god, what is this review?" But now I was just like I'll handle it if it's okay. And I just come on and I calmly um like quietly and calmly like shame the person a little bit. I'm sorry. Just say but it's like do you understand my children right run here barefoot? You know just an example. They brought us fil dirt um to put under the new lawn and it had like syringes and glass pieces and some metal wire in it. And we were like looking like, "Holy moly, what is this?"

[00:06:32]So Daryl was just like, you know, you know, he's like, "Let's cancel them." And I'm like, "You know what? Can I just try?"

[00:06:39]So I came to him and I was just like, "You know, we will need you to remove this fil dirt. I have little children."

[00:06:46]And I literally look at him in the eyes.

[00:06:47]I have little children running here with bare feet. I can't have any of that on the ground. And we've seen a lot of stuff and it's just not safe. So we'll need you guys to take it away, please.

[00:06:58]and bring us good filtered. I have very nice dirt. I've been really structuring my whole garden to make it really um like a good soil. I was working for 4 years. I just don't want this stuff here. He just like, "Okay, we'll bring it over." And they they took it away and they brought new like manure and it smelled like crap here for days. But it's okay. We want crap under the grass, okay? Cuz we want manure.

[00:07:24]So, just to give you an example, and I felt so cool because I was like holding my ground, but it really I can't I almost cannot take credit for it. Like, it's a very long- winded story, I know, but yeah, I was very proud of myself.

[00:07:39]I'm just like, yep, I can't My capacity is full, so I can't accept any kind of stressors that are not life or death right now.

[00:07:52]I'm enjoying it. I get tired. I get a little anxious, you know. I still get like some some thoughts, but it never takes me out how it used to take me out.

[00:08:02]Very proud of myself. I hope this stays.

[00:08:05]I like this version of myself very much.

[00:08:09]Today I'm sitting outside because these amazing Aelas are matching my top today.

[00:08:16]Do you ever feel like you live between contentment and like being grateful where you are in the present and the desire for the newness and something else?

[00:08:29]I'm really struggling. I'm constantly torn in between and I'm not sure where I belong, but I'm also trying to be okay with it. And I'm realizing that maybe that's where my life actually is. it's somewhere in between controlled a little bit here and there. So, examples, you know, I'm on the journey kind of to simplifying my style, especially my wardrobe. And I've been really trying to create a capsule wardrobe a little bit.

[00:08:57]I know it's a very trendy word to say.

[00:09:00]It's not exactly what I was doing, but sort of. And I've used so many neutrals and like really solid no pattern uh clothes clothing clothing items throughout the fall and winter. And now I just switched my uh my wardrobe for summertime and I have all this color and and flowers and I don't want to let it go.

[00:09:26]And now I'm like in this fairy bright pink flowers earrings with flowers and that's all I want right now. Like I want to be dressy and flowy and ethereal, you know? I don't want to be neutral, stylish lady. I just want to be like this crazy cuckoo lady who is just like old prince.

[00:09:51]And I'm torn again.

[00:09:53]I have so many of these basics, but all I want to wear is colorful brow brown like bright tops. Now my hair down. I started part parting it again into a deeper deeper part. Even though everybody says, you know, it has to be more in the middle. And it's like again, did I learn it somewhere? Did I need it to do any of that work? because I did enjoy it, but now I'm like, was I sold this information?

[00:10:26]You ever get that idea? You're like, after a while you're like, was this even my idea? Like, I'm not even fully sure.

[00:10:34]And it scared me and I'm like, wait a second. So, the last couple of weeks I've realized just how many times I have changed my mind.

[00:10:44]And sometimes I feel like it's a problem. Other times I'm like, it's totally cool. I feel like it's exciting that I get to change my mind and then change my mind again.

[00:10:57]I'm going to give you silly examples at this point. My couch. My couch we got when we first moved here and we had zero furniture. We had only two rocking chairs and we had a growing family at that point. We moved so quickly and we bought this one big black ass couch and a big ottoman that goes with it. And the whole thing when put together looks like a ginormous casket in the middle of the room.

[00:11:28]And every day in the last 6 years, I would like to buy a new couch.

[00:11:35]And I tell Darl about it and he's like, "Why? This one is working." So, we have sometimes bickering going on and I'm like, "But do you understand? We can do a white couch or a light gray couch or a beige gray couch. How much cooler could it be? We can reposition it facing this way instead of having fireplace uh with TV above it. We can have TV in front of it. So, we can all look at the eye level because I've heard all of these designers tell me that that's how you're supposed to have the couch. And I want it so bad to be a different couch. Very, very shallow talk here, guys. I understand. I'm just trying to give you an example, right? And then the time comes where I see Mila jumping from one side of the couch to the other and she has chips in her hands.

[00:12:27]And then I see little guy crawling all the way up it and he brings something on top of it and kind of throws it and it just leaves the marks but you can't see them because it's black fake leather couch. It doesn't get rips. It's working perfectly. And then I go back to this.

[00:12:45]This couch is perfect for what we need right now as a family. It's a great launching pad for my kids. You cannot see any stains. I'm always torn. I want aesthetically to look at like this and be different and on the other side I'm like but practically this is just fine.

[00:13:06]And I realize that there are bigger problems out there in the world. So this is a very shallow thing of me to think.

[00:13:13]I feel like I'm constantly comparing myself but not in a bad way. I don't think that I'm lacking. Instead, I'm like, "Oh, I'm inspired and I want to I want to try this and I want to try that." And then I try to find ways how to get it either for free or for very cheap. Sometimes I regret it because, you know, quality sometimes matters more than inexpens.

[00:13:37]And here's the thing, I've never been a person who cares about material things.

[00:13:42]I mostly like quality, but I also do get excited about something being a good deal.

[00:13:49]They say whatever, you can't take the poor girl out of yourself, right? If you were were poor at some point and you you really struggled, you never recover from that. Like it gets engraved ingrained into your head. Engraved is a good word, too. It gets ingrained into your head that you always have to ration that you always live on the verge of something going wrong and you going and becoming really poor again. I do crave sometimes talking depth with people, talking fullon gangster conversations about the life that I've lived. And when you come from really like dirt poor streets level into uh like middle upper class level it like you stay the same person but you try to fit in more. And some of the conversations that I thought were cool are actually almost shameful to admit to now. But like some of these conversations I don't talk to uh with other moms.

[00:15:06]Like one time one lady said like how did you get here? Like how do you come from Russia? And we were walking from school and I'm like well like I'm thinking well I don't have the whole day to tell her this whole story. Should I tell her the whole story? So, I just like summarized it and I was like, "Well, you know, I came here as a student and I like almost got traffic and stuff like that and and she was just what?" And I'm like, you know, just it's a long story. She's like, "Oh, okay. No interest." I would be like, "What? Tell me more. I want to hear. Let's go to coffee." Now, I guess it's just for for average people, right?

[00:15:46]But I I also I don't like saying that like, oh, everybody's average and I'm so cool. No, that's not how that goes, right? Everybody has stories. Everybody has struggles and everybody has to deal with something.

[00:15:59]It's just different from what I had to deal with.

[00:16:04]But yeah, I'm just venting to you guys.

[00:16:07]Thanks for listening.

[00:16:10]Okay, so we'll just sit here if you don't mind. It's been such a nice weather in the last couple of days. We had real crazy weather here in California. So, since we're in the garden, you guys, you know, I follow a lot of uh garden channels around this area cuz, well, I need to know everything about gardening that I need to that I can find out. I kind of took a break last year a lot because, well, I had a baby and a and a six-year-old back then. So, this year, I'm fullblown back to it. Alex helps me so much. Mila helps me so much. They're both very willing to work with me in the garden right now.

[00:16:47]So, I'm taking every opportunity I can.

[00:16:50]So, I've been watching a channel uh of a local two moms who are doing school gardening and I've been kind of a fan, you know, like lowkey just watching them behind the scenes. And one day I saw one of them at the garden center and I was like, I'm going to come and I'm going to say hi. So, I chatted with her.

[00:17:08]I gave her from my phone number. So, we connected and we met up already a couple times. She invited me to like their open house at their at their yard and it's been so great. She's been such a chatty person. Such such a a beautiful presence. Seems like a very nice person to hang out with. So, you might start seeing that lady, too, which I'm very excited. Man, these birdies are really singing their lungs out. I'm very excited to have a fellow YouTuber potentially who is also into gardening who's also a mom who kind of has a high energy like I do sort of which is very nice to find. My yard looks beautiful.

[00:17:47]I'll show you a little so you guys see the steps right there.

[00:17:58]This is a new addition that we have in the yard.

[00:18:08]I know I told you kind of that I've been having a lot of like change of mind. I'm honestly starting to think and I'm not trying to be conspiracy theory or anything, but I'm I'm realizing that I'm being targeted very in a very new very different professional way for advertisement.

[00:18:31]like my age group, my like the women like me.

[00:18:38]I I see somehow I'm being advertised to a certain lifestyle and it's on all platforms like legit. It's not just one.

[00:18:50]And I'm starting to understand it because I keep changing my mind about everything. like I would try something new, getting excited about it, and then if I step away or don't engage with this content at all, I'm starting to realize that I was just influenced into something. Again, all these small problems, right?

[00:19:10]That also what scares me is why do I have to change? Why am I so worried that I will need to fit into these trends and stuff, you know?

[00:19:19]And as a YouTuber, if any of you are, you know how you are bombarded with what's right and what's wrong, how to fix the algorithm, what to do, what not to do, how to say things, how to title your videos, you know, how to do your thumbnails, like it's all very curated.

[00:19:39]It's hard to actually just be genuine and just do whatever you want to do now and just post it and just let it be as is. Not a lot of people can afford it because a lot of people go into YouTube uh as a business. So it becomes a structure and once it becomes a structure you don't mess with it until YouTube changes everything and you have to mess with it. And that's why I feel I've been been so blessed with my ASMR channel that I just I can do whatever I want and it doesn't matter what trends are out there. As a matter of fact, the less I know about the trends, I feel like the easier it is for me to make content and enjoy it because I only look at my comments on ASMR videos and just see what I like and what I don't like, what people like and what they don't like in my videos, right? And what works for them.

[00:20:34]I don't even know where to look for trendiness because everything I I I looked up a couple times what's trendy in ASMR world for example and I look and I'm like how is this a trend? It's always been a thing. Like I don't understand how is that a trend.

[00:20:47]Everybody's been doing it forever. So it just confuses me. So I'm like how's a trend? I just did that and now people doing it a version of it but we're just calling it a trend even though everybody's doing it anyway. So I get confused. I think maybe more most of the trends are like on Tik Tok which I'm not on. I have tried and maybe I'll come back to it. I don't know. Maybe I'm not saying no. I just I can't handle it.

[00:21:13]It's too much for me. It's too much of this and this and everything is happening and I feel like they even sell you even more stuff than on YouTube. You guys, I also am taking up a new hobby starting today. I just got my pedal board. I'll show it to you in a video.

[00:21:31]So, we're going to test it out today.

[00:21:32]We're going to inflate it, potentially go take it to the water. We got um life jackets that are certified for me, Mila, and Alex cuz I'm planning on taking them with me to pedal board. We'll see how it works out with Alex. He might have to stay ashore more often than not with Daryl. But I'm so excited. It has been my dream and I had made it into my goal for this year is to do water sports. I didn't know what it would be first. I thought it would be kayaking, but right now I went into a pedal board with an option to have a seat so you can actually use it as a kayak. So you guys, I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to a safety class in 2 days. Safety on pedal board like for beginners.

[00:22:19]So I'm going to take that class, how to save yourself, how to save other people, all that kind of stuff. And how to balance better, like all the tips and tricks. And then I'm going to start going. That's it. There's no break. No, there's no limit for me. I want it to be a part of my life. I want to be a person who does weight training twice a week, which I have been doing religiously for very long time now, almost a year. I'm doing my best to not skip weeks. And I have done so great. I'm so proud of myself because it's really hard to find time and make time um like 30 minute workouts, you know, upper body one day, lower body another day, and then I'm doing my best with cardio, but I just besides just a little bit of a walk to the park in a stroller. That's all I got. But I want water sports to be a part of my life and that's it. I'm going to make it work and make it happen.

[00:23:13]You'll see.

[00:23:15]My bigger dream is to do white water rafting, but I'm like even scared to even dip my toe towards that. So, I'm starting with paddle boarding nice and safe, bringing kids with me, having fun a little bit as a family for now. And then maybe eventually I might try kaying and then eventually might try water rafting.

[00:23:40]But I would love to do that. That would be my dream come true eventually.

[00:23:45]Not right now.

[00:23:47]Okay, you guys, thank you so much for chatting with me. I'll talk to you guys soon. And like I noted before, I'll try to do more shorter but more frequent posts, okay? Instead of going like this, all the topics at the same time. Okay, bye-bye. Thank you for being here.

[00:24:07]Thanks.