Fear of Failing vs. Fear of Being Seen | Nehro Abraham Ranay | TEDxPace Academy

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:15]Think of one thing you really wanted to try but didn't.

[00:00:23]Maybe it was speaking up. Maybe it was a subject.

[00:00:28]Or maybe it was something you wanted more than you admitted.

[00:00:38]Now ask yourself honestly, why didn't I try?

[00:00:45]Was it because you were scared to fail?

[00:00:48]Or you were scared of what other people would think if you failed?

[00:00:59]That fear, I know it very well.

[00:01:03]If you met me when I was your age, you probably wouldn't have picked me up at the room and said, "Yeah, that guy is going to be up there one day." I wasn't loud.

[00:01:15]I wasn't confident.

[00:01:18]I wasn't especially good at anything.

[00:01:22]And for a long time, I believed that meant something about me. When I was younger, I believed something very simple.

[00:01:32]I believed that if you were good at something, you had to be born with it.

[00:01:38]And if you weren't, then maybe it just wasn't for you.

[00:01:44]So, I thought if I was shy, I'd be shy forever. If I wasn't good at math, I thought I'd never be good at math.

[00:01:54]And if I couldn't speak up, I thought that's just who I was.

[00:02:01]I didn't call it a mindset back then. It just felt like the truth.

[00:02:08]And something happens when you believe something like that.

[00:02:13]You start to be very careful, careful about what you try, careful about other what other people might see.

[00:02:26]And that gets very dangerous because you start to fear failure.

[00:02:34]But here's what I didn't understand until much later.

[00:02:38]I wasn't actually scared of failing.

[00:02:42]I was scared of being seen trying and then failing because somewhere in my head failing didn't mean I didn't get it yet. Failing didn't mean I just need to practice more.

[00:02:57]Failing meant I'm less.

[00:03:04]I believed that to be accepted, I had to be perfect.

[00:03:15]And so instead of trying and failing, I avoided trying at all.

[00:03:23]I stayed quiet.

[00:03:26]I stayed safe.

[00:03:29]I stayed invisible.

[00:03:32]And from the outside, you know, that looks fine. But inside, something was slowly disappearing.

[00:03:42]I wasn't becoming myself.

[00:03:45]I was becoming the version of me I thought was safest.

[00:03:51]The version of me I thought was easiest to accept.

[00:04:01]But when I was 18, something finally cracked. I realized I wasn't unhappy because I felt like I wasn't good enough.

[00:04:13]I was unhappy because I believed that I wasn't being myself, that I wasn't living for myself.

[00:04:27]And during that time, I learned about something called the spotlight effect.

[00:04:32]It's the idea that we believe everyone is watching us, judging us, remembering our little mistakes.

[00:04:46]But the truth is, most people are too busy worrying about what other people think to be watching you. Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to be judging you.

[00:05:01]The spotlight I was so afraid of, it wasn't real.

[00:05:10]But even then, I knew there was something deeper underneath.

[00:05:15]It took me years and honestly therapy to see it clearly.

[00:05:21]The real reason I was scared to fail was because I believed that if I failed, I would be worthless.

[00:05:34]That I would disappoint people, that I would lose something, that I wouldn't be enough.

[00:05:44]Here's what I didn't understand until much, much later. And I wish someone had told me earlier.

[00:05:53]You're not bad at things.

[00:05:57]You're just new at them.

[00:06:00]Think about it. When you were a child and you were learning how to walk, you fell.

[00:06:06]You fell a lot.

[00:06:09]But no one looks at a baby and says, "Wow, you're terrible at walking."

[00:06:16]Exactly.

[00:06:18]You were just new.

[00:06:21]The same thing is true for speaking, for math, for confidence, for becoming who you want to be. Failure isn't proof that you're broken.

[00:06:36]Failure is proof that you're learning.

[00:06:38]Before we end, I want you to do one last thing quietly, just in your head.

[00:06:50]Think of one thing you're scared of failing at.

[00:07:00]Now, imagine you actually fail at it. Notice the first thing you tell yourself.

[00:07:11]the words, the tone.

[00:07:15]Now, imagine your best friend failed at the exact same thing.

[00:07:22]Would you say the same words to them?

[00:07:25]Would you tell them they're stupid, that they're a disappointment?

[00:07:32]That they should stop trying?

[00:07:36]So if you wouldn't say those words to someone you care about, why are you allowed to say them to yourself?

[00:07:46]You don't have to be cruel to yourself to become better.

[00:07:52]Failing doesn't make you unlovable.

[00:07:57]Failing doesn't make you less.

[00:08:02]Your worth doesn't disappear when you fail.

[00:08:10]So the next time you try something new and it's messy and it doesn't go well, that doesn't mean it's not meant for you.

[00:08:24]It just means you're new. Thank you.