Is My Gut Telling Me to End My Marriage?

Added: 2026-05-14

[00:00:02]All right, let's talk to Susan.

[00:00:06]Hi, Susan. Welcome to the show.

[00:00:09]>> Hi, how are you?

[00:00:11]>> I'm good, thank you. Thank you for uh calling in the Crystal's Couch.

[00:00:15]>> Thank you for having me.

[00:00:17]>> Of course. What's going on?

[00:00:20]Okay, so I'm 33 years old and my whole life I've been extremely avoidant when it comes to romantic relationships.

[00:00:30]Before meeting my husband, I never made it past the honeymoon stage. Like I would end things before the novelty wore off or things got too hard. And so um six years ago when my husband and I got together, it immediately felt different.

[00:00:48]Our chemistry was insane and it was the pandemic. I was making a lot of lifestyle changes and prioritizing my mental health and our relationship moved really quickly. We said I love you after a week and then moved in together after 3 months and 2 years in I found myself engaged in buying a house which were two things I'd really never seen for myself before. Um so from the beginning we've had two major issues. The first one is our communication is very challenging for both of us. Um and it created a lot of conflict in like pretty much since the beginning. And then the second issue is that I've been unsure about having kids or like when I would want to have them. and he's been a thousand% sure he wants kids like his entire life and wants them as soon as possible.

[00:01:50]So, we've had tons of conversations about both of these issues. We did weekly therapy for 7 months and we really never made any progress or like saw much of a change in the relationship. And so for four years now, like since we got married, um I've um been in this like cycle of indecisiveness where when things are going really badly and like every interaction feels strained, I um start planning my escape, the avoidance, and then when things are going well or like we'll go through a phase where things feel a lot easier and I'll start to think like, okay, maybe we can make this work. Maybe I do want kids. Um, so my question is, um, is my gut telling me to end our marriage because it's what is best for me, or is it telling me to end things because I'm avoidant and my default is to run away when things get hard? H well I I don't think I can answer why you're being why you're feeling these things necessarily but I do think it's interesting that you said you found yourself being engaged and buying a home and and you know this sort of thing as opposed to we sat down talked about it made a decision to do this. It's almost like you stumbled into being married as opposed to consciously choosing to establish that kind of partnership. Does that sound accurate or no?

[00:03:31]Yeah. Um I would say definitely like the um the buying the house was more his dream. Like I'd never really wanted to own a house. And then with the pressure of like him wanting to have kids, I sort of thought that like getting married and having the relationship be more serious would like motivate or like make me feel more secure, I guess.

[00:04:01]>> Okay. And but you haven't really seen that come to fruition. It sounds like things are still kind of up and down.

[00:04:08]Yeah, I did reach a point um about a year and a half or two years ago where I was like, "Okay, I'm ready." And I got pregnant and I did have like two pregnancies and two miscarriages.

[00:04:22]So, and now I'm back to the space where I'm like, I just don't know if I ever want kids again.

[00:04:28]>> Yeah. Which is very fair. I mean, miscarrying even once is can be very traumatic. So going through that multiple times is definitely uh something that puts a lot of women in a space of like maybe I don't want to risk that again, you know, for physical and emotional reasons.

[00:04:46]H Dr. Joy, do you have any questions for Susan?

[00:04:50]>> Yeah, I'm I'm curious, Susan, what do you feel like was not effective about the therapy? Like why do you feel like there was never any progress made?

[00:04:58]Um, I guess I just wasn't um like I was bringing a lot of issues and like things that I wanted to see be different and then he would um never really tell me like any issues that he had with our relationship and I felt like things would get better temporarily but then they would sort of um we would just go back to our default.

[00:05:26]>> Okay. Okay. Got it. Got it.

[00:05:28]>> What do things look like when the two of you don't agree? How do you disagree with each other?

[00:05:35]>> Um, that's a good question. um when we don't agree, I we usually we can talk about things, but um I think I I tend to kind of compromise and we kind of tend to like even if we don't reach a resolution, we kind of just like move on. Um, >> yeah.

[00:06:07]>> Kind of sounds like sweeping things under the rug and you just go along with it so that you're not arguing anymore.

[00:06:13]>> Yeah. Yeah. Sort of like we I just we neither of us have the energy to continue arguing.

[00:06:23]>> And has your husband been able to bring up issues that he has? I know you said in therapy he wasn't really doing that, but has he been doing that outside of therapy? Like is he able to talk to you now about what he's really feeling?

[00:06:36]>> A little bit. Um a little bit. He >> he'll tell me in private, but then in therapy he's like, "No, everything's great. You're my person. I have no issues." Um but then like when I bring up like when I sit down and I'm like, "Okay, we have these serious communication issues." It's like, well, you you don't communicate well either type of thing. Like defensiveness. Um, >> but yeah, I feel like for him, he's just his only issue is that um like I I'm not ready to have kids right now.

[00:07:20]like if if I were to concede on that or like decide that I was ready, he he it's like that's all that seems to really matter to him.

[00:07:32]>> Well, I can understand being hesitant to bring children into a relationship where things don't feel stable or healthy anyway. So, I think your reticence here is really understandable. Can I ask how old you two are?

[00:07:47]Yes. I'm 33 and he's 43.

[00:07:52]>> Interesting. And you've been together for six years?

[00:07:56]>> Yes.

[00:07:57]>> Okay. H Well, that that also adds another layer here for me. I'm thinking um I I'm having some some trouble coming up with reasons why y'all should stay together. Honestly, not to not to just blurt it out like that, but it sounds like the communication here is really struggling and that maybe you don't and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but do you feel safe to to disagree with your husband and let the disagreement sit there?

[00:08:31]Like, can can you can you all just sit with the fact that you're not aligned on something and and have that conflict just be?

[00:08:42]Yes. But then it's like I want I want things to be better. I want like some type of improvement or like >> um the communication like portion for me. Um he like this is going to sound bad, but he basically talks a lot. I'm very introverted and like I'm an internal processor and I I feel like he monologues or like talks at me a lot and sometimes sometimes like it's just it just depends like on the situation or even like the mood it seems like where some days I feel like I can bring stuff up and um a lot of days I I don't feel like I can do that.

[00:09:32]Yeah. Dr. Joy, what do you think?

[00:09:35]>> Yeah. So, Susan, you said you just want things to be better. What does better look like? Like, if you woke up tomorrow and things were better, what would be different?

[00:09:44]So he would um try to talk I guess in a like he would want to talk about things that I'm interested in or that we we both find interesting instead of just like I don't know soccer and like international politics which like those two topics are fine but like it sometimes it feels like that's all he wants to talk about and when I want to talk about my stuff. Um, it's like he's not interested or like he turns it back to himself. Um, so I guess like ideally things looking better would be like him being super like interested in me or like asking me questions like about um like if I'm sharing a story like that he would ask me questions or comment on that story instead of just being like, "Oh yeah, that happened to me too in seventh grade." and just like go off talking about whatever again. Um, so yeah, I guess like having conversations that feel engaging and not like frustrating and draining and exhausting.

[00:11:00]And then um like before we got married, I asked him if if I was never ready to have kids, like what would that mean? and he said at the time that um he would choose me over over having kids. Um but that's not the case at all. Like that it's become very obvious that that's not the case. Like >> so ideally he would not be pressuring me to have kids and we would have a communic like conversations that flowed and were pleasant for both of us.

[00:11:42]>> Yeah.

[00:11:42]>> Yeah. Susan, you're you're not asking for a lot. You know, like when you say somebody to be interested in me and have engaging conversations, I want you to know that that is not a lot. Like that's not an unreasonable ask for your partner to be interested in the things that you're interested in, even if it's not really their thing. Like they're interested because you're interested. So it's okay to have that ask. And and I I'm I'm struggling with, you know, this idea of like the kids kind of being this thing that feels like a a deal breakaker because, you know, unlike a house that, you know, if you decide you want to do something different, the house can be sold. That kind of decision cannot be made with kids, right? And so, you know, I I would hate for you to be pressured into a decision, which it feels like you have been, like you've kind of gone along with buying the house and maybe even the getting married, cuz I don't even know that you saw that for yourself, right? Um, and so I I don't want you to be pressured into having kids if you are not absolutely certain that that is something that you want to do.

[00:12:43]>> Yeah.

[00:12:44]>> Yes. I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Joy about that one. Um, I I think that it's hard to see a way forward when he's unwilling to be honest in therapy. You all have tried it and he'll say things to you privately that he won't bring up with the therapist. That to me is a big red flag because how are you two supposed to work through the issues if he's not willing to talk about it with the person who's licensed and qualified to help you do just that?

[00:13:17]Yeah.

[00:13:19]Yeah, that's a good point.

[00:13:22]>> Yeah. I mean, up to this point, the decisions you've made, like Dr. Joyce said, these are things that can be reversed or undone if that's really what you want to do. And it sounds like maybe you're thinking, well, I'm avoidant. I know how I am. It could just be that I'm scared and so I'm pushing him away. But as two people who don't know either one of you, I you're not asking for too much. What you're what you're looking for in your relationship is is absolutely something that should be present in any healthy dynamic between two people. And I agree with your decision to not bring children into the marriage while things still feel so uncertain. I think if your husband isn't willing to give an honest shot at couples counseling and really be completely raw and honest with the therapist with you present, you know, you two going through this process together, I I I don't see how the marriage can really get to a place where it feels secure enough for you to want to have children.

[00:14:25]>> Yeah.

[00:14:27]Yeah. All of that is yeah very interesting and I agree. Um, yeah, cuz the therapy it's like we would go to therapy and he'd just be like, "Yeah, everything's great." And then when I'd be like, "Okay, but except that I am exhausted by every interaction we had this week."

[00:14:49]>> And he's like, he's like, >> "Well," and like even the therapist would be like, "Well, isn't that is that an exaggeration though?" And I was like, >> "I don't know if it's an exaggeration.

[00:15:01]Like I feel like it's the case. Like I feel like no, like I don't but in the in the moment I'm really bad so about like saying what I actually think. So I'll be like well maybe I don't know like >> Well, sometimes people do that, don't they, Dr. Joy? Sometimes we say it's always this. It's never that. And we don't quite mean that. Um, so sometimes that is true, but if you walk away feeling like the overwhelming majority of your interactions with your husband leave you feeling drained, that's something important for us to to really lock in on and try to try to work through. Yeah.

[00:15:41]>> Yeah. And >> so I think Yeah. It doesn't have to be exactly right. You don't have to get the language exactly perfect in order for your your point to be made.

[00:15:50]>> Yeah.

[00:15:53]And then I guess it's normal though too like if you you have like a week where it's really bad and then you've got like the next week it's like better or like a little bit better to be like oh well maybe like everything maybe I should just keep trying.

[00:16:12]>> I mean I I think that that's normal but I think you know it may be good for you to kind of do some journaling around like how often it is feeling okay and how often it's not. Yes.

[00:16:22]>> Um and maybe even like a little tally, not a you know scoreboard so to speak, but you know, so that you actually have a record of how am I actually feeling on a day-to-day basis because when things are good, it's really easy sometimes for us to like forget about the the times that did not feel so good. And so if you can go back to your your records, so to speak, it'll help you to be clear about, okay, what's actually happening here and how often am I feeling okay um in this relationship versus not? Mhm. I Yeah, I agree. And I would I would hope that six years in, you're having longer periods of things feeling good and then you hit a rough patch for a couple of weeks, you work through it, and then you go back to something that feels more stable. It sounds like you two are kind of up and down all the time, which is also exhausting.

[00:17:10]>> Yeah.

[00:17:11]>> Yeah.

[00:17:12]>> Okay.

[00:17:14]>> So, I hope we've given you some things to think about here. Do you have any other questions for us?

[00:17:20]>> No, I I think that's helpful.

[00:17:26]>> Okay. Well, anything else you want to share with Susan?

[00:17:31]>> I just want to also share Susan, you you commented that sometimes it's hard for you to know kind of how you really feel.

[00:17:37]And I think even like you, you know, talking with us today is an attempt for you to kind of get some other feedback about like is this the right decision for me or not? And ultimately, it will have to be your decision. And I think it's important for you to know that it's okay to trust your decision. Like it's your life. You know you best, you know your relationship best. And so whatever decision you end up making, you can be okay that I trust that this is the best decision for me. Even if other people disagree, you can trust that you are making the best decision for yourself.

[00:18:09]>> Yeah. How long do you have to like feel that it's the right decision to know that it's like if I change my mind week to week? I'm like, well, maybe I don't know what it I don't feel sure.

[00:18:22]>> Well, I think that's where the journaling and the sort of tallying comes into place. when you're feeling unsure, you can you have this data to look at to help you back up whatever decision you want to make or whatever decision you you think you may need to make. But even now in asking the question, it's showing that you're that you're you're sort of doubting yourself, but you're the architect of your life and you get to decide what is tolerable and what isn't.

[00:18:50]>> Yeah.

[00:18:53]>> Okay.

[00:18:54]>> Yes.

[00:18:56]>> All right. Thank you.

[00:18:57]>> Thank you so much for calling into the show. I'm wishing you the best of luck in making your choices and trusting yourself.

[00:19:04]>> Thank you so much.

[00:19:05]>> Excuse me. Bye.

[00:19:07]>> Bye.

[00:19:08]>> Bye.

[00:19:08]>> You know, Dr. Joy, I think we see this sort of thing pretty frequently um with people who are in long-term relationships and maybe they've never really investigated what's going on with themselves. And you know, you you you feel these strong feelings for someone.

[00:19:25]So marriage feels like the next logical step, but then you know you're four, five, six years in and you're really starting to wonder like >> do I know what I want to do and how do I develop that ability to even trust my feelings when I've never done that before. Yeah.

[00:19:40]>> And that could be hard. It >> it is. And and again, it's a skill just like anything else. And and even if you like make a decision and then you realize later like, oh, that actually wasn't a great decision. Like you have to trust that you can recover and that you can have support that like will not shatter your world to pieces, you know, like that you can rebound after, you know, a decision that maybe wasn't the right one. You you make the best decision you can at the time. And it's only Yes. And it's only sometimes later that you realize, oh, that actually wasn't great or maybe it was a good decision then and now it's not. Then you can always make a different decision for most things.

[00:20:14]>> Yes. Not kids.

[00:20:15]>> Not kids, right? No, you can't you can't do that. But for most things, you can always make a different decision.

[00:20:20]>> Right. So, and and I'm wondering if if if a couple is in couples counseling and one person isn't being honest with the therapist, how can they move forward in that sort of situation? Like, do you see a way forward in therapy?

[00:20:36]>> In Yes. And >> I I don't think so. I mean maybe with individual but in couples you know like if you're not being forthcoming now now there is probably a conversation the therapist can have around hey it's come to my attention that you're not being honest like tell me what's going on and maybe that opens the door to like a more honest conversation. But if long term both people or however many people are involved in the counseling are not committed to being honest, then you you know it's not gonna yield any Yeah.

[00:21:04]effective results, >> right?

[00:21:06]>> And you know, and I I wonder if a person might hear that and feel even more defensive like, oh no, I need to triple down on everything's fine. And I just feel like when people shut down in that way, yes, I think individual counseling is needed. And if they're not willing to do that, then it's like what?

[00:21:23]>> What? How much more >> and it's okay. It's okay. I mean, that's a scary thing to go to this stranger and say some stuff that you maybe haven't even admitted to yourself.

[00:21:32]>> Oh, that's real.

[00:21:32]>> You know, so I mean, it could be that you're just not ready and that maybe a little later after some additional work or other things, you might be ready to actually undertake therapy, but it's not the right choice for everybody at every time.

[00:21:45]>> You're right about that.

[00:21:46]>> Yeah.