good-enough parents — what do they look like? | 10 key qualities

Added: 2026-06-02

[00:00:34]Someone I'll call Jay wrote to me with a common concern, saying she and her partner wanted children, but she was afraid she'd be an unfit mother. She said she grew up in a hostile, loveless household full of traps and cruel punishments.

[00:00:50]Through therapy, she had quit many of the self-destructive habits she had developed as a child. But she was still worried her upbringing somehow disqualified her from parenthood. She had no experience of normal family life, not even from other families. Her parents had kept strictly separate from the community.

[00:01:09]Jay said she was unsure where to draw effective parental lines. She was determined to be nothing like her cold, dogmatic, dictatorial parents. But she didn't want to find herself going so far in the opposite direction that she created a whole other set of issues for her children. She wanted to know how to strike the perfect balance and get things just right. When exploring parental competence, many therapists use the term good enough as a benchmark.

[00:01:39]It's a reference to British pediatrician Donald Winnott's concept of the good enough mother. Some parents imagine that they have to be perfect, that they should be able to predict and overcome any problem and that falling short of this ideal would somehow disadvantage their children, maybe open the door to lifelong hang-ups, insecurities, disorders.

[00:02:02]Winnott recognized that trying to create a problem-free environment for children was ironically more likely to cause harm.

[00:02:10]Children benefit from experiencing some difficulty, frustration, even pain. And the term good enough was an encouragement to parents to hold themselves to more realistic standards.

[00:02:22]So what do good enough parents look like? I want to examine the essential tasks of parenting. What is it our children actually need from us? And how well are those needs met by different parenting styles? Are they all good enough or do some of them fall very short of the mark?

[00:02:48]Parents and children start out with the ultimate power imbalance. We're born completely helpless and dependent on our parents. In the fullest sense, the job of parenting is to remove that imbalance. To help us achieve independence beyond food, shelter, the raw ingredients of survival, we need years of dedicated assistance as our undeveloped brains struggle up a mountain of developmental goals.

[00:03:16]Physically, we have to master increasingly complicated tasks from feeding and clothing ourselves to participating in games and exercise to acquiring the domestic and occupational skills we'll need to enjoy adult independence.

[00:03:32]Intellectually, we'll need to develop and train the critical faculties necessary to think independently so we can competently evaluate incoming ideas and information and help guard ourselves against misinformation, flawed logic, and emotional manipulations.

[00:03:50]On the emotional front, as infants, our feelings are at their most intense. We can flip wildly from joy to rage to terror to apocalyptic despair. Instead of bouncing between these extremes, we need to develop emotional gradations from mild to intense.

[00:04:10]Instead of being overwhelmed and controlled by our emotions, we need to learn to manage their influence on us and their expression. Our ability or inability to handle our emotions will play a huge role in shaping our lives, especially our social lives.

[00:04:28]Relationships represent possibly the most complex domain. As social creatures, we've had to find ways to reconcile the needs of the individual with the needs of the group. And we've developed intricate systems to govern our actions.

[00:04:42]Systems vary from group to group, but common features include good faith principles like fairness and reciprocity, laws for defining and dealing with transgressions, and pathways to restoration and redemption.

[00:04:56]On top of all these conventions, we have to learn about motives and how they can transform the way we judge a situation.

[00:05:04]A transgression might be malicious, playful, or accidental. The transgressor might have been deceived or coerced by a third party. Much of our progress in life will hinge on our ability or inability to discern people's intentions.

[00:05:22]As children, our development in all these areas can be affected by the parenting styles we encounter in the households into which we're randomly born.

[00:05:31]Different styles push children towards very different outcomes. In some cases, producing significant emotional and behavioral barriers.

[00:05:41]Good enough parents exhibit a blend of traits and behaviors repeatedly found to create the most beneficial outcomes.

[00:05:48]These qualities generally fall into two categories, structure and substance.

[00:05:54]Structure refers to the elements that create a stable, predictable environment. Substance refers to the warmer nurturing qualities that drive positive psychological growth. Together they create an optimal foundation for development.

[00:06:09]I want to look at 10 key traits and behaviors. As I go through them, I invite you to reflect on how present they were in your childhood.

[00:06:19]Beginning with structure, having a solid, consistent framework gives children a sense of order, security, and control in what could otherwise seem a daunting, chaotic world. Good enough parents establish structure in various ways. An example is the use of routine, establishing predictable rhythms for daily life, from meal times and chores to leisure and bedtime.

[00:06:43]Aside from managing time, these rituals regulate the child's emotions by providing a reassuring sense of familiarity.

[00:06:51]Through repetition, routines become automatic and self- sustaining, helping to instill long-term healthy habits, including good eating and sleeping patterns.

[00:07:03]A consistent, responsive parental presence provides a strong foundation of security. We feel confident venturing progressively further out into the world to play, investigate, and take risks, knowing we can always return to this safe base through our independent exploration of the world. Aside from being exposed to new ideas that fuel our intellectual development, we develop greater trust in our own skills and a higher capacity for emotional regulation.

[00:07:34]The security we feel within ourselves and around others helps us form new stable relationships.

[00:07:41]In short, a stable parental presence helps us function alone and in company.

[00:07:48]Clear, consistent boundaries define the limits of what's possible and acceptable. As toddlers, we operate on pure impulse, reaching for whatever catches our eye. At this stage, parents often have to impose boundaries physically, removing us from harm or taking away forbidden objects. As we grow, these physical barriers evolve into spoken rules. We're told what our limits are and expected to comply.

[00:08:17]Self-discipline doesn't emerge overnight. The brain regions responsible for planning, impulse control, and risk assessment aren't fully mature until our mid20ies, and good enough parents hand over the reigns. gradually starting with manageable micro challenges like asking us to wait a few seconds for a treat.

[00:08:36]Over time, these brief pauses stretch into longer periods, teaching us how to cope with delay, perhaps by distracting ourselves with other activities.

[00:08:46]As our capacity for self-regulation grows, we're trusted with more complex boundaries.

[00:08:52]This trust is founded on accountability.

[00:08:55]When we choose to disregard parental limits, we must face the consequences.

[00:09:01]The word discipline often carries negative connotations of harsh punishment, but its Latin roots are grounded in education and knowledge. The point of discipline is to heighten our awareness of our actions and their effects.

[00:09:17]Some discomfort might be involved when we're faced with unpleasant learning experiences, but the goal is never to hurt or diminish us.

[00:09:26]Effective discipline emphasizes logical consequences.

[00:09:30]If we abuse privileges, we might lose them. If we act out, we might be put in a timeout space to calm down and reflect. If we damage someone else's property, we might pay for it with our pocket money.

[00:09:44]If it's our own property, our parents might decide not to mend or replace it.

[00:09:49]As we learn to connect our actions with their consequences, we develop a sense of accountability.

[00:09:56]For discipline to work, it needs to be consistent and dispassionate.

[00:10:01]When it's emotionally charged or unpredictable, it can feel like the product of a parents mood rather than a response to our behavior. We might just feel picked on by an angry adult. Calm, steady discipline keeps the focus where it belongs, on our actions and our power to dictate a better outcome next time.

[00:10:22]Good enough parents practice what they preach, reinforcing their values by modeling the same behaviors towards their children that they ask from them, showing respect, consideration, good faith, honor.

[00:10:37]Modeling highlights the benefits of not being perfect. By openly admitting their mistakes and rectifying them, parents show their children that errors are human and can often be straightforwardly overcome.

[00:10:51]The way parents handle conflict, manage stress, cope with boredom, deal with loss will all be absorbed on some level by their children.

[00:11:03]Modeling stability, integrity, and resilience can give children a robust framework to lean on when tackling life's inevitable curve balls.

[00:11:13]Moving on from structure, we come to substance.

[00:11:17]These traits and behaviors are about support and sensitivity, warmth and responsiveness, helping children to understand themselves and develop selfworth.

[00:11:28]Giving children attention makes them feel secure and valued. Just like cars have petrol tanks, we could think of children as having attention tanks. When the tanks are topped up with genuine, curious attention, children are often happy to do their own thing. When parents only half listen, it's like injecting inferior product. Children know it's not the real stuff, and over time, it can have a corrosive effect, depleting security and selfworth.

[00:11:57]A few minutes of meaningful time together with full devoted attention does much more than hours of divided focus.

[00:12:06]Good enough parents show empathy.

[00:12:08]Striving to see the world through their children's eyes. When we're young, small moments carry immense weight.

[00:12:15]Discovering how to clap can feel exhilarating.

[00:12:19]Watching a birthday balloon vanish into the sky can feel like a genuine catastrophe.

[00:12:26]By meeting these feelings at our level, a process known as attunement, parents teach us how to navigate our internal world, naming, containing, and eventually resolving our own emotions.

[00:12:39]It's important to acknowledge the full range of the child's feelings, especially the more explosive ones like frustration and anger.

[00:12:47]While some parents instinctively recoil from volatile emotions and try to shut them down, good enough parents act as a steady container. By responding calmly, they signal that these feelings are bearable and temporary.

[00:13:02]Sometimes anger comes with destructive behavior. It's important to separate them. Parents can do this by verbally acknowledging the child's feelings but forbidding and disciplining the misbehavior.

[00:13:15]Each emotion serves a purpose in helping us process the world. I've often said frustration is the father of insight.

[00:13:23]When we encounter obstacles, the frustration we feel heightens our focus and motivation, priming our brain to swiftly sift through solutions.

[00:13:33]But to turn that emotional tension into an insightful breakthrough, we need to tolerate the discomfort.

[00:13:40]Ideally, we learn this through guided empathy.

[00:13:43]Good enough parents don't just fix our problems. They help us sit with the frustration long enough to reflect and figure out whether the problem calls for decisive action, quiet acceptance, or a mix of both. The insights we gain from working through frustration can spark various emotions. Sometimes they amuse us, like the realization we've been pushing a door that pulls open.

[00:14:08]Sometimes they're painful, stripping us of comforting illusions or appealing fantasies.

[00:14:14]After hearing bedtime stories about a wardrobe that leads to a magical world, Lucy starts invading her wardrobe. She hasn't learned to separate fact from fiction.

[00:14:26]As with discipline, good enough parents recognize that distress is sometimes a byproduct of discovery. Their empathy provides the support children need to face and process difficult truths.

[00:14:39]It's worth noting that when children seem unable to let go of an illusion, something deeper could be going on. If children have persistent fantasies about escaping to some magical world, we might explore with them whether there's anything they're trying to escape from.

[00:14:56]Children are less likely to hide problems in an atmosphere of openness.

[00:15:00]Good enough parents work to build effective two-way communication and create a space where children feel safe expressing themselves. Beyond simply telling our children they can talk to us, we can foster openness by modeling it, being transparent in our decisions, explaining the reasoning behind rules, occasionally sharing our own difficult or embarrassing experiences.

[00:15:24]To avoid burdening children with unnecessary information instead of offering them lots of unsolicited explanations, it's often better to wait for them to ask us what they want to know.

[00:15:36]Despite parents efforts to establish openness, children can still hesitate to share their deepest worries. These unspoken concerns can lead to acting out or uncharacteristic behavior.

[00:15:49]In these moments, the child is essentially asking to be noticed.

[00:15:54]Instead of jumping straight to discipline, it's worth exploring what's driving the behavior and responding to any discoveries with empathy.

[00:16:04]Good enough parents provide active encouragement, acknowledging our physical, intellectual, emotional, and social efforts with praise and rewards.

[00:16:14]Praise acts as a social reinforcer, lighting up the brain's reward systems and strengthening trust and social bonds.

[00:16:22]Instead of relying too heavily on food or toys as rewards, it's often more effective to plan stimulating experiences that boost development.

[00:16:32]To build patience and long-term motivation, parents might use a token system where small successes are collected and eventually exchanged for a larger meaningful reward.

[00:16:44]A more indirect but equally vital form of encouragement involves holding back.

[00:16:50]Healthy development requires constant challenge. Making life too easy can lead to complacency or even regression.

[00:16:58]As we attempt to master everyday activities from feeding and dressing ourselves to playing games to tackling complex chores, as we start to think for ourselves, developing our own ideas and critical thinking skills, good enough parents give us the room to stretch our capabilities. Offering assistance only when it's genuinely needed. Balance is key. While too little challenge causes stagnation, too much can leave us demoralized.

[00:17:26]Good enough parents are careful not to overload us with tasks that are far beyond our current abilities, which segus into the last good enough quality in this list, adaptation.

[00:17:39]As we demonstrate greater awareness, competence, and maturity, good enough parents acknowledge our development with the appropriate expansion of boundaries, opening up new freedoms and responsibilities, granting us more privacy.

[00:17:55]Because they're responsive to our progress, there's rarely any significant mismatch between the credit we're due and the credit we're given. But if that happens, our parents openness means we can always talk to them about it. In the final adaptation, the job of parenting ends and we break away to independence.

[00:18:16]All of the above traits and behaviors work together to meet children's growing needs.

[00:18:22]Clear expectations and firm boundaries show children where they stand, while support and sensitivity help them to understand and value themselves.

[00:18:33]By combining structure with substance, good enough parents provide the foundation for children to become self-reliant adults driven by self-awareness, discipline, and a strong sense of worth.

[00:18:47]When we see how all these core elements contribute to children's development, it's sobering to realize that in some of the most common parenting styles on the planet, huge chunks of them are missing.

[00:18:59]In part two of this series, I'll be looking at those styles.

[00:19:04]Why do parents end up using them? And what effects do they have on children's development?

[00:19:21]Heat. Heat.

[00:19:31]Heat. Heat.