Crippled by society & labeled a victim (to be honest in a dishonest world)

[00:00:00]There are so many moments in life where I tried to escape and you know, I just couldn't take the pressure of living a normal life, like trying to live a normal life. I just I just felt like I couldn't at times. The pressure within was just so intolerable or so much.

[00:00:41]And I was so desperate to find the answer, like find the fix. What would get me out of this rut or out of feeling this you know, this kind of like disgust for myself or disappointment or never feeling good enough, never feeling like I measure up, never feeling like I'm worthy of a good life, happiness.

[00:01:11]I don't even know.

[00:01:14]Just not good enough.

[00:01:17]And you know, plenty of people out there have the answer.

[00:01:23]And perhaps there are little nuggets here and there within their marketing scheme, within their packaged products that they're selling and promoting.

[00:01:36]Maybe there are some nuggets of goodness and good wisdom or good little tips and tricks and stuff.

[00:01:44]I'm not really truly denying all of it, but you know, what it's encased in, how it's promoted, why it's promoted, why it's being sold, why it's marketed, um from where it's truly coming from, from them.

[00:02:02]Still probably from a desperation and desperation to just like keep things afloat and convince themselves that their way or path is the only way.

[00:02:27]I don't know.

[00:02:28]Parts of it parts of it just made it worse because um it made me feel worse because I it just didn't work.

[00:02:41]I was just sad.

[00:02:44]I was just sad.

[00:02:46]And I think I just needed to be sad to feel the immensity of the burden within and and not feel like it was my fault that I felt that way, to have someone confirm to me and validate like it's not your fault. It's you're not even in charge of your feelings, really.

[00:03:11]I just feel like the human has to come to terms. I don't even know if this is the right way of saying it, but come to terms with how miserable it is to exist here at times, you know.

[00:03:26]How we're forced to live a certain way, how we're pressured to be a certain way and to fit in and to conform and it's everywhere. It's really everywhere that it's so daunting to really truly find your own way or be yourself.

[00:03:46]And you just get crippled within. You just slowly die and uh it takes such a huge toll.

[00:04:00]And it's it's hard to feel through all of that for sure because I think that there's like a mountain of stuff that was never allowed to be felt that to unearth all these layers of suppression and denying oneself.

[00:04:21]Not that you denied yourself per se, it was just that everybody's doing that, so you that's like the norm.

[00:04:31]Just like just suck it up.

[00:04:35]Stop. Stop.

[00:04:37]Stop whining. Stop being a victim. Stop Stop feeling.

[00:04:44]Stop being honest. Stop being truthful.

[00:04:47]And I did realize I think over and over to different depths and degrees that I wasn't the problem. I really was not the problem. I was just becoming more and more honest and real and truthful in a world that's so suppressed and depressed and on medication and anything else that would just numb them for now, which I understand. I There is no judgment in that, but what comes from that is a perpetuation of this delusion that you should be able to get by and just take this drug.

[00:05:39]I don't want to define anything as totally bad because I could see anything can apply in different moments, and I don't really have strong judgments like that anymore. I understand that it all varies, and everybody's in a unique place and situation, and nothing I say will be the same for anybody.

[00:06:03]There's such an openness that I can understand anything, actually.

[00:06:09]And I I can meet anyone wherever they are, and I don't really give a [ __ ] I really don't. I don't care anymore, and that's beautiful. But, I'm just describing that when someone is so numb and doing all of these things just to get by, and potentially unconsciously spreading to other people that somehow they have the answer, even though it just gives them momentary okayness.

[00:06:47]They just don't know. They don't know that Okay, these are just empty words. So, take it really lightly. But, to truly heal and to truly be free, to truly be internally, energetically unbound and light, a true lightness of being that is [ __ ] unheard of unless you go through this.

[00:07:19]Because I didn't even know while I was going through this. I at times, not all the time, but felt more sick than ever before, or felt so tired and exhausted and unable to do much at all. And there was a beauty in that, too. Just the slowness, just the simplicity of whatever necessity there was.

[00:07:56]And that was it, you know, there wasn't the clutter of trying to be good friend and a good partner or a good daughter.

[00:08:10]Um It was just can I feed the body?

[00:08:17]>> [laughter] >> Should I go for a walk? Should I just need to lay down?

[00:08:22]I'm going to be here as best as I can for this person and um after that I will lie down again.

[00:08:30]It's such a simplicity and a beauty and the immediacy.

[00:08:36]Everything is so noisy.

[00:08:58]But I'm so glad that the more that you go through this and the more you sort of get used to it and you see that there are similar flavors in different rounds that have echoes of what was before, but maybe subtly in a lighter way or or ironically in a stronger way just because more is able to be processed or there's more emptiness, so it's more fully that.

[00:09:36]And then overall you'll see that it's more thoroughly gone because of that.

[00:09:40]The ability for it to be so fully here is like is the is powerful. It's powerful. I feel like the body is just able to process so much.

[00:10:03]When it's able to feel to that degree, to that depth, with that edgelessness and boundlessness and like intensity.

[00:10:11]It feels that it is powerful and it somehow it disappears more and more. And not that it can't come up in different situations with different people.

[00:10:25]But yeah, overall, you'll see over and over and over that it goes in all of these different ways and the body's clearer and freer and more edgeless and It's phenomenal. It's phenomenal how light the body feels now.

[00:10:51]How in a way I can't I can't sense and feel the difference between anything.

[00:10:58]And I don't even know if I can describe to you what I mean by that. Like for instance, I think more recently, I don't see the difference between technology and not. And and silence, let's say.

[00:11:16]It's crazy that I can't even fully register the effects it has on the body like I used to because I think something has thoroughly disappeared that I don't know. It's just whatever. It just doesn't really seem to matter.

[00:11:37]But I'm also there isn't anything that's attached to it or getting fed by it per se. Not that if I think about it, I guess the brain can still be a little bit able to get addicted because of the chemical or physical changes, but even that is like I don't know. I feel like it could probably be dropped quite quickly.

[00:12:06]Cuz again, nothing's truly attached anymore.

[00:12:11]I don't I don't know if that's the right description or way of saying it, but you know, just like everything keeps changing. So how I experience it or how things are perceived and what isn't registered anymore.

[00:12:31]It's so fascinating.

[00:12:34]It's so different and I I kind of can have a sense that most humans probably don't experience life this way.

[00:12:50]It's probably a very small percentage that gets to this point.

[00:12:57]I don't know. I'm just guessing. I don't know.

[00:13:00]But it's fascinating. It's so cool that the human body can function this way and experience life in this way.

[00:13:29]>> And you know, I don't know what I mean by this and I don't want you to try and force yourself to feel it or believe it or I don't want you to try anything. I However you feel and wherever you are is perfectly fine and probably completely understandable. So I would never want you to feel any degree of burden that it should or could be otherwise.

[00:14:01]But I'm just going to express and You know, I'm reading this tombstone where it says in God's care and God isn't a thing or a person or an actual something that is definable and solid and knowable or it's nothing. Just like everything.

[00:14:29]You were always in God's care. Like you were always safe. You were always okay.

[00:14:35]You were always fine.

[00:14:50]You know, I went through so many phases where I was really I loved God and I thought I was relating to that as a nothing.

[00:15:02]But it was a something because I was still a something energetically speaking. There was a lot of solidity still. So you can't help but solidify other things even though you might say that it's not a someone or a something.

[00:15:15]It just happens automatically.

[00:15:26]>> However, it's experienced or felt within is how it's perceived externally.

[00:15:32]On a large scale, I'm Don't even listen to the words that I'm saying, just the general gist of it.

[00:15:46]But yeah, so I went through all of these different phases of the word God, and now it's so empty just like everything else. It doesn't matter.

[00:15:54]Um I don't even care to use it, but I just see it there, so I guess it came up.

[00:16:07]But like it was never gone.

[00:16:11]You were I think I'm something sometimes cautious of what I say just because I don't know who is listening.

[00:16:45]Because, you know, you're aware. You're aware of if you've been massively abused, let's say.

[00:16:52]You're allowed to feel immense pain and hurt and disgust and horror and anger and a hopelessness or unfairness and all of it, you know? Like you're totally completely allowed that, and you're not in control of when or if it comes up and it goes.

[00:17:12]So, I would never want you to feel bad about that, and I also don't want to express how small it is to have immensely hurt another, to have done so much harm to another that now they have to carry it their whole life or so much energy and focus is on trying to heal it, you know?

[00:17:44]It just absorbs so much energy and time and nothing truly, truly wrong with that, but I'm just saying it takes such a huge toll and I wouldn't want to completely dismiss that.

[00:18:05]But again, I'm just expressing from where I am, where I don't feel that kind of helplessness and hopelessness and loneliness and um deep understandable unfairness and perhaps brokenness.

[00:18:31]Which are all really, truly understandable feelings that would arise, possibly even more intensely than what was possible before because now there's there there can be a true allowance of it, so just be as it is.

[00:18:47]And that's the only way that it can fully breathe and express itself and leave whenever it does at its own will.

[00:19:03]But now that all of that is gone it's such a far away it's so far away, I I do still remember what it's like.

[00:19:20]But, I don't think that I can ever truly return back to that.

[00:19:30]But, now that I am where I am, I >> [sighs and snorts] >> Okay, I'm just going to suddenly change what I'm going to say because I I just feel this kind of strongly a bit.

[00:20:23]And this isn't coming from a savior mentality because I I I thought thoroughly died It's thoroughly completely died. And when I thought it died, it came up and died even more, and then it died. And it came up and died even more.

[00:20:38]>> [gasps] >> So, yeah, I think I was going to say that it's nice that I Hm.

[00:20:57]Wow, the grass is stunning.

[00:21:24]>> This oscillated too a lot because there were times where I just couldn't give and I think that was a really good thing to have experienced, especially for this body.

[00:21:34]I feel like I can finally give from a place where I just don't need anything. It's and it's not like I don't want to be generally appreciated or treated with respect. Um it's not that I want to be treated like crap and used. It's It's not coming from that place. It's like but there is energy. There is space, genuine space to give and I don't know. It's such a beautiful feeling and I I I'm only guessing that this is how I felt as a child where there wasn't a lot of burden and tightness and solidity and confusion and friction and heaviness that you just kind of help and give and you maybe don't even register it that way. Like there's such an innocence and just an availability or or or an ability and it's so pure, you know? Like that's kind of what it feels like and I just kind of want the best for people and I just feel for people and so I think that comes up because I I think I wanted to say like I would totally feel your pain for you if I could because I know that anything is possible and you are capable of anything. It's not as scary as you might think it is.

[00:23:11]And I don't think that many people show you and will guide you and tell you that nothing lasts forever.

[00:23:25]And I'm not saying don't get support.

[00:23:27]Like I definitely had so much support while going through this and and not that I can say this for sure, but it was so helpful. It really was.

[00:23:40]Cuz I was feeling the depths of all the intricacies of being a human and it is so detailed. It is so profound and beautiful and horrific. Um it's shocking what is in the human body and what it can feel and the depth to which it can feel.

[00:24:09]But yeah, I just want to feel it for you.

[00:24:13]Cuz I just know, I know anything is possible. I know that you can feel anything because I felt through it feels like I felt through all of it and yeah, that's probably not true, but I've felt through the end of a certain type of existence, a certain type of human experience that I will probably no longer ever be able to experience ever again and I've grieved a lot of it because I sort of knew it was the end and I knew I would never experience certain things in the same way.

[00:24:58]But, now that I can experience the for instance, um being drawn to someone again and not having the intense fantasy be able to be in the forefront and it dies quite quickly because it's painful to live there cuz it's fake. And to live in reality and to take things slow and to not feel rushed and to feel okay that there is a beautiful dance and momentum to things that that is so unique to that individual and this individual and what dynamic is created through that is just so different from any other dynamic that could exist. And so, there's such an ability to have a detailed experience that honors everything and isn't able to be overlaid by anyone else's ideas and perceptions and conditioning and ways the way in which things should have unfolded and the way in which people should act when dating, let's say, or I don't know, it's just so free. It's free and it's unique and it's uncluttered and there's no pressure and it doesn't have to have a certain outcome and and also it's so grounded and beautiful and safe. At least that's how it's experienced here.

[00:27:02]That the body only wants what's safe and healthy and respectful for everybody.

[00:27:12]Why would I want to hurt another? Why would I want to hurt myself? That is never fun.

[00:27:19]Um those games are really not only unnecessary, but so far away and I love that. I love that I don't care for that stuff anymore and I feel like I could see how aspects of that can definitely happen.

[00:27:46]Though, let's say for instance, the older you are, you're just like why would you play those games? You're over it. And I'm not saying age always does that. That can also just be rare.

[00:28:01]That people just naturally mature and learn and grow and and are sick and tired of leading people on in a false way or Yeah, there's so many games that we could play with ourselves and each other and it's like to have a total death of all of that is just remarkable. It's beautiful.

[00:28:31]And I love it. It's so clean. It's so simple.

[00:28:38]And so likewise, that's what I'm kind of drawn to.

[00:28:43]I'm not interested anymore with people who are able to play games or make me feel bad to make them them feel good, you know? Like subtle things like that that are just so harmful and so unnecessary. And I can see how Wow, the grass is like mesmerizing.

[00:29:19]Um It looks like I'm in an ocean of like green hair.

[00:29:45]I just want to film the grass. Would you be upset if I just filmed the grass?

[00:29:50]>> [laughter] >> Let's see.

[00:30:44]Shh.

[00:31:00]>> Oh.