The Science Behind Why You Can't Trust Your Own Thoughts | Nir Eyal - NYT Bestselling Author

Added: 2026-05-14

[00:00:00]The big aha moment for me was that beliefs are tools, not truths. They don't necessarily have to be true in order to be useful. Now I pray because it works. What if the world around you is designed to distract you? Near Aal has spent years studying the psychology of habits, how products hook us, and why we keep coming back. I'm actually not happier. I just suffer less. I don't think that evolution designed us for happiness. You don't want to be happy all the time. It's that disquitude that keeps us hunting, makes us want more, that makes the world better. What you want is motivation without suffering.

[00:00:36]The studies find the number one reason that we don't achieve our goals, we quit. We all tend to quit at that 15-minute mark way before we're actually exhausted. He didn't just study distraction. He helped build the systems behind it. Today, he breaks down how to take back control of your attention, build better habits, and become truly indistractible. How do I decrease suffering? But keep motivation. It turns out you need to learn how to use your beliefs in order to change what you see, what you feel, and ultimately what you do. About 40% of your behavior is done on habit. People who are high achievers in every field are able to do the things that the rest of us think is really hard without suffering. You don't create reality, but you do create your perception of reality.

[00:01:28]Near, you haven't prayed since you were 6 years old. Now you pray every day.

[00:01:33]What happened?

[00:01:34]>> Well, you know, I I grew up very secular and uh at when I was six, my family went through some really tough times. Uh they got scammed by some con artist for pretty much every dollar they had. And my parents argued every day. I can still remember the sound of their screaming at each other. Uh they almost got a divorce and we were days away from having to leave the country cuz they ran out of money. But thankfully they they pulled it together and we were able to stay.

[00:02:02]But um that's when I started praying when my parents were going through this really tough time and I felt super alone. I remember I would go outside. We I grew up in central Florida and I would go outside and I would lay on the the driveway um and uh I would wake up before my brothers and I would lay there and I would look up at the sky and I would talk to a voice. And I remember that that voice was super comforting.

[00:02:24]And to me I I called that voice God. But as I grew up, I became more skeptical and I I didn't feel a connection to any particular faith tradition. And I I stopped praying because I thought, well, if nobody's listening, what's the point?

[00:02:39]And I never lost the skepticism. Uh I I still don't think of myself as very spiritual. And I kind of lost touch with that. Uh and it turns out I'm not alone.

[00:02:48]That about that the the largest religious community in America today are the nuns. Not not the Catholic nuns, the n the people who don't affiliate with any particular faith. And the data is overwhelming that people who uh who don't have some kind of faith tradition, particularly those who call themselves spiritual but not religious, have higher incidences of depression, of anxiety disorder, and other mental illnesses.

[00:03:15]And it turns out that prayer, the power of prayer is highly psychologically protective. It has these extreme benefits and we see it in study after study. And so I just thought, well, that's just not for me. that if I don't have a particular faith tradition, well, I can't pray because I don't, you know, think that everything in the holy book is true, so it's not for me. And then I came across a study that blew my mind.

[00:03:38]And uh what happened was in this study, they had three groups. One group of people who didn't pray and they didn't teach them to pray. Another group of people who did pray and they prayed with some kind of faith tradition, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, they had some kind of faith practice already. The third group was the most interesting.

[00:03:56]The third group, they taught them how to pray, but they told them you can substitute the word God for whatever you want. Whatever is meaningful to you, mother nature, sum of all forces, the universe, whatever is meaningful to you, you can substitute that word. And then they had these three groups do this standard pain tolerance test. And it turns out that people who prayed, not only did they have much higher pain tolerance than the group that didn't pray, but even the group that prayed without faith, just the practice of prayer greatly increased their pain tolerance as much as the group that prayed with faith, but way higher than the group that didn't pray at all. So in study after study, people who pray live longer, they have more friends, they're happier, they have fewer incidents of me mental health issues, they make more money, they contribute more to their community. All these thing good things happen to people to who pray and my kind of revelation if you will. I didn't become spiritual. I didn't I didn't start believing the supernatural but rather I changed my mind about the purpose of of of religion that I stopped holding religion to this this this matter of fact or faith. You see facts are things that are objectively true. They are true whether or not you believe in them. The world is more like a sphere than it is flat. Sorry flat earthers. doesn't care what you believe. That is a fact. It's an objective truth. Faith is a conviction that does not require evidence. Okay? God rewards the righteous. That is not something that I can convince someone to not believe in if it's a matter of faith, right? Nor should I. Beliefs are in between.

[00:05:32]Beliefs are not facts and they're not faith. They're in between. Beliefs are conviction that are open to revision based on new evidence. And so the big aha moment for me was that beliefs are tools, not truths.

[00:05:46]Beliefs are tools, not truths. That they don't necessarily have to be true in order to be useful. So now I pray because it works, because it makes me better. And I don't have to believe that every single thing that's that that is in some holy text or when I go into a religious institution that I have have to think that everything is fact, that I have to have blind faith. know that I can still get the psychological benefits of prayer, still be a member of a community, still connect with something bigger than myself and get all those psychological benefits even if I have doubts. And the way I came to this conclusion, I actually went to five religious leaders. This sounds like a setup for a joke. I went to a a rabbi, a priest, an imam, a monk, and a swami. I went to five religious leaders, walk into a bar, and I asked them all the same question. How does one pray if you have doubts about God? And essentially they all told me that doubts, everybody has doubts. Even people that we think are are super religious, you know, they also have doubts. That doubt can be a very healthy thing. That blind faith in fact doesn't necessarily serve you. I I'm not a big fan of blind faith. I think that makes you sheep, right? That makes you do whatever the religious leader wants you to do. But we don't have to have blind faith. We can actually use these practices that are thousands of years old that I rejected, that I just thought wasn't for me because I can't prove they were true.

[00:07:04]Well, they don't have to be true. They just have to be helpful. It's very interesting how you went on this a little bit of a not a religious journey but a spiritual journey that I think a lot of people especially in modern day go on where they uh some people of course subscribe to more traditional religions but I think the people that don't they seem very lost and and confused and depressed and I've always I've had conversations before about how traditional religion provides so much framework for life that I don't think was replaced with anything really um meaningful. And I think that this is what you're sort of discovering. Like there's so many good core tenants to a traditional religion even if that's not what you subscribe to that just completely removing them out of your life probably isn't the answer. Like community, belief, like these these are all like like these are scientifically proven to be beneficial to a a happier healthier life. Now, even before we pressed record, you mentioned something.

[00:08:07]You said when you when you write a book, you love writing books because you have this problem that you're trying to figure out in your life or in society and you can't find this perfect solution to this problem. So, you research and then you go on this journey and you figure it out. Then you have this like this this codified proof or or body of research that can sort of help somebody understand this problem you're trying to understand yourself. What was the what is the problem that you saw that actually led to you to you actually writing this book? But what was it? Like the book is Beyond Belief. It's out now.

[00:08:40]Um I'll link it below. But what was the problem that you saw in your own life in society uh that sort of led you to want to tackle this problem and answer this question? What is belief? Are we missing belief? Is belief good for us, bad for us? It's um you know I did a webinar recently for people who bought the book you know people who subscribed to my newsletter and uh uh one of them asked this question that that you know this was after the book is now done you know and this is someone who bought my previous two books they've known me for you know 15 years since I started my writing career and they asked you know near why do you seem so much happier like you you seem different why are you happy are you happier after writing this book and I'm actually not happier I just suffer less that um that's what's that's what I was looking to understand that that big picture it's how do we enjoy life more not by thinking we have to be happy all the time I actually think that's the wrong approach I don't think that evolution uh designed us for happiness right if you think about if there was ever a tribe of people who were blissed you know blissed out and they were contented and they were super satisfied with life and they were totally vibing with happy thoughts all Okay, if our ancestors, what would have happened if our ancestors would have come across those people? What what would they have done? I tell you exactly what they would have done. They would have killed them and eaten them because you need that bit of dissatisfaction. You don't want to be happy all the time. Being happy all the time is not evolutionarily beneficial.

[00:10:10]It's that disquitude that keeps us hunting, that makes us want more, that helps us invent things, that helps us overturn dictators, that that makes the world better. So, it's not that you want happiness all the time. What you want is motivation without suffering.

[00:10:29]That's what I was looking for. How do I stay motivated without suffering? Why is that so important? Because if you think about it, why don't we achieve our goals, whatever they might be? I want, you know, financial wealth. I want um to to get in shape. Uh I want to write a book. whatever it might be. I want to start a successful podcast. Why don't we reach our goals? The number one reason, it's not intelligence, although that helps. It's not resources, although that helps. The studies find the number one reason that we don't achieve our goals.

[00:11:02]It's super obvious. We quit. Of course.

[00:11:06]>> I mean, duh. And we quit.

[00:11:08]So, what if you could unlock motivation to sustain yourself long enough to s to succeed at whatever you want for yourself? It's not that persistence guarantees success. It's that quitting guarantees failure. And so, let me tell you the one study that that absolutely blew my mind and actually really inspired me to to to dig deeper. There was a study done in the 1950s by a biologist by the name of Kurt Richter. And Richtor had a very simple question. The question was, how long could a wild rat swim in water?

[00:11:41]Biologist, he wanted to know. So he took a wild rat, he put it in a cylinder of water, and he stood there with a stopwatch and, you know, waited until the rat died, until it drowned. And turns out that a wild rat dies after about 15 minutes floating in water, just paddling. It's a kind of an unethical experiment. You can't really do these kind of studies anymore, but the rats are dead 50, you know, since the 1950s, so might as well learn from them. And so now that he knew that the rats would kind of give up after 15 minutes, he wanted to see could he lengthen that time. Could he get them to be more persistent? So here's what he did. He took a new group of rats. He put them in the same cylinders. And this time, right before the 15-minute mark, just as the rats were starting to struggle, he reached into these cylinders, took out the rats, dried them off, let them catch their breath, and then plunk back into the water it went. Now, he did this a few times. He conditioned the rats to expect that if they persisted that salvation might be possible. Something might save them. So, I want you to guess, Scott. Maybe you know the answer already. I'm not sure. Maybe. Do you know the answer of how much longer he could get them to swim? Don't say it if you know it.

[00:12:48]>> I I I've listened to a few podcasts, but go ahead.

[00:12:51]>> Okay, so you know it already. Okay, so if you if you didn't know it, I wouldn't I would ask you to guess, but most people guess, okay, how much longer?

[00:12:57]Twice as long, three times as maybe four times as long. Maybe they went from 15 minutes to an hour. That would be incredible. Unprecedented. Imagine if you could, you know, uh, run a race for four times longer or, you know, work on that hard task, you know, take that test for four times more persistent. That'd be amazing. How much more successful would we all be if we could stay persistent four times longer than we're actually able to. But the rats didn't go from 15 minutes to 60 minutes. The rats went from 15 minutes to 60 hours. 60 hours of non-stop swimming. Why? Well, nothing changed in their bodies. Same rat bodies. Nothing changed in their environment. Same exact experiment. The only variable left is that something changed in their mind. That some flip was switched and suddenly these rats became way more motivated to persist 240 times longer than they originally had when they originally gave up. So, I think that study demonstrates what's in all of us. What what we don't realize and and what I didn't know until I spent six years researching this book is that we all have these hidden powers within us. Nothing mystical, nothing spiritual, nothing woowoo at all. We have these powers to persist in ways we can't imagine. We can do things that you wouldn't believe. And I, you know, have documented cases after documented cases of people curing chronic illness, people uh going under surgery without anesthesia, people uh uh sustaining themselves way way longer than they ever imagine, doing things that most of us would think are impossible, things that are beyond belief that actually are within all of us, that we all tend to quit at that 15-inute mark way before we're actually exhausted. And so, so, so backing up, right? What what was I really trying to answer? How do I decrease suffering but keep motivation?

[00:14:48]And to do that, it turns out you need to learn how to use your beliefs in order to change what you see, what you feel, and ultimately what you do.

[00:14:57]>> It's so interesting because for years you actually spoke about habit formation. And habit formation seems to be a very trendy topic. How to achieve like the life you want, right? Like we all figure out like, you know, there's a couple books behind me, I'm sure, that talk about habit formation as well. um which are very good guides, but it seems like they don't work for everybody. I think you you even wrote about how like we all know what to do, but knowing is never the problem. We all know the habits we should take. We all, you know, whether or not it's uh the baby steps or setting the goals or like we know the action more often than not that we should take next in pursuit of whatever it is we want to do, but for some reason we wake up 10, 15 years later and our and our lives are more or less still the same as as they were when we first set out on whatever journey we set out on.

[00:15:44]So this is the missing component. The belief system is the missing component, the X factor in achieving. Now that begs the question, if the belief system is the missing component, how do we form a belief system? Because even at the beginning, you said, well, belief systems aren't as popular as they once were because people don't really know how to define belief systems in a modern era. Belief systems used to subscribe to a god, not some sort of life goal. So, how do we how do we build a belief system that increases our motivation, decreases our suffering, and actually allows us to accomplish what we want to accomplish long term?

[00:16:24]>> I I get frustrated sometimes because, you know, I'm a big proponent of habit.

[00:16:26]My first book was all about habits. Um, but I think we've kind of reached peak habit. You know, when people talk about habits, they basically what they're really saying is I'm looking for the autopilot button, right? Like, I want to form a writing habit because I hate writing. I want to have written. I don't like writing, so can't I turn that into a habit? Uh, I hate exercise, but you know, I want to have exercised and can't I just push autopilot and just make it happen? And so, we're looking for hacks.

[00:16:54]>> We're looking for like hacks and we're looking for hacks. Exactly. And it's true. So, 40% about of your behavior, according to Wendy Wood, a researcher, about 40% of your behavior is done on habit, is done on this autopilot. But here's the thing. What is a habit?

[00:17:08]Right? Let's start with the definition.

[00:17:09]First principles here. The definition of a habit is the impulse to do a behavior with little or no conscious thought. How exactly, Scott, do you write with little or no conscious thought? How do you do anything? You can't. How do you meditate? I want to I want to form a meditation habit. I want to I want to form a gratitude habit. I want to form an exercise habit. You can't. There's certain Okay, some things like if I take a walk, okay, that's exercise and I can do it with little or no conscious thought. I can be on the phone talking to a friend uh you know while I'm while I'm walking. But if I'm trying to break a PR, right, that's not a habit. That's hard work and a habit technique will fail us. Yeah. And so like, you know, doing anything difficult in life, things that are painful, habits don't work.

[00:17:57]Habits don't work. This is what people don't realize because habits are impulses to do a behavior with little or no conscious thought. Like if you're if you're meditating with little or no conscious thought, you're doing it wrong. You're you're asleep. Right?

[00:18:08]Because meditation requires conscious thought. It's the exact antithesis of an of a habit. What we want is a routine. A routine is just a series of behaviors frequently repeated. Now, you say semantics, right? Who cares? to tomato tomato. What's the difference? Well, here's the the problem is that when people believe that, hey, I can just build a habit out of something and then if I do it for x number of days, there's all this false information out there of if I do it for 28 days or 44 days or 60 days, then poof, it's going to become a habit. There's no such number. What happens is once they reach that day count and it's still hard, the writing's still difficult, the uh relationship that you're trying to repair still sucks, the uh the exercise is still really hard. Who do people blame? They don't blame the technique. They blame themselves. They think that they're broken. They're not broken. It's this technique that doesn't that's misapplied. So, what we want is a routine. And a routine looks at something completely different. A routine doesn't care if it's easy. It's just a series of behaviors frequently repeated. So I think what we need is a different skill set. We have to and what we see with high performers is that they don't require it to be easy.

[00:19:18]That's the secret that people who are high achievers in every field. The arts, sports, business, entertainment, doesn't matter. These people are able to do the things that the rest of us think is really hard and we give up on. they are able to do without suffering.

[00:19:36]That is the magic unlock.

[00:19:38]>> Quick question. What's your go-to when you got 10 minutes before a meeting or a workout? For me, it just used to be whatever I could grab, which usually meant skipping meals entirely or just grabbing something that left me crashing an hour later cuz it was just full of garbage. That's why I'm partnering with Hule. This black edition ready to drink is a complete meal. So, it has 35 g of protein, 6 g of fiber, 35 essential vitamins and minerals. It is no sugar added, gluten-free, under five bucks. I always keep a few of these in my fridge and honestly, it solved the whole backtoback meetings, go non-stop, no time to eat problem. Super well. And this one's new for me. It's Hules Daily Greens. I had the blueberry this morning. Honestly, first impression, it was way better than I expected. It's developed by registered nutritionists and dietitians. There are 42 vitamins, minerals, and superfoods. Only 25 calories, 4 g of fiber, and just 1 gram of sugar. I throw one back first thing before my morning calls every single morning. Look, if you're running a business, time is the most valuable asset. Q makes healthy eating simple, and they also just launched at Target stores nationwide, so you can get it everywhere. Try both products today with 15% off your purchase for new customers with my exclusive code, [email protected]/scott.

[00:20:51]Try both products today with 15% off your purchase for new customers with my exclusive code scott. Sot tt at hule.com/scott.

[00:21:00]Use my code fill out the postcheckout survey to help support the show. That is hule.com/scott.

[00:21:06]They really make healthy living taste amazing. Even if you're on the go, healthy eating, healthy lifestyle doesn't have to taste bad. It doesn't have to suck. Netswuite is the number one AI cloud ERP. It's trusted by over 43,000 businesses. It's a unified suite that pulls your financials, inventory, commerce, HR, and CRM into a single source of truth. That connected data is what makes the AI smarter. It doesn't just guess, it knows. It can automate routine tasks. It can deliver actionable insights. And it can help you cut costs and make fast decisions with confidence.

[00:21:37]And now with the Netswuite AI connector, you can use the AI of your choice to connect to your actual business data and ask every question you've ever had. This isn't just another boltedon tool. It's AI built into the system that actually runs your business. So whether your company earns millions or hundreds of millions, Netswuite helps you stay ahead. If I needed something like this for my business, I'd use Netswuite and you should too. So if your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI, at netswuite.com/scottclary.

[00:22:07]The guide is free to you at netsweet.com/scottclary.

[00:22:10]netsweet.com/scottclary.

[00:22:13]Okay, so I'm going to use myself as an example because this podcast is a ton of work and I put a lot of energy into the research and finding the guests and doing the homework and then obviously all the marketing of it.

[00:22:27]It's not like there's no suffering like there's like a there's like a fair amount like some days there's a fair amount of suffering. So what do you mean by what do you mean by no suffering?

[00:22:37]Because I I don't want people to misconstrue things being hard because anything they're going to do, it's going to be hard. Like I have a big belief system in why I'm doing this. I enjoy it. I love it. Um I wouldn't give it up for the world. I could do it till I die.

[00:22:51]But there's like day there's days where I feel like unless that's the wrong definition of suffering, I don't know.

[00:22:56]So we're talking about the people the top of their game, right? What what we find with those folks is that they do things they p they succeed because they persist right there there's no such thing as an overnight success right when you look at the you know like you look Mr. beast or Bill Gates or Elon Musk or like name your athlete. Name people who are at the top of their game. There's no overnight success. They work their butt off for a really really really long time. And so the way they did that is that they see the su they see the same signals that the rest of us feel the pain that pain doesn't become suffering.

[00:23:37]Why why is this so important?

[00:23:38]>> Difference between pain and suffering.

[00:23:40]That's the difference.

[00:23:41]>> Exactly. The difference is the difference between pain and suffering.

[00:23:43]Now what is the difference between pain and suffering? You know one of the biggest myths that the brain tells us is that we see reality clearly. We don't.

[00:23:51]None of us do. You have no you do not accurately perceive reality. Why do we not accurately perceive reality? And I I can prove it to you. I can show you optical illusions. If you look for the checkerboard illusion, the checkerboard illusion, you can see uh that square A, there's two squares. Square A is darker than square B. But then when I show you that in fact it's just an optical illusion that they're exactly the same color and I can prove it to you by I'll put a strip that that's the same shade of gray through both squares and you'll agree with me and say, "Yeah, I guess it is the same shade of color." The thing is if I show you that first image, square A still looks darker than square B. Like do you understand the implic?

[00:24:40]because of your priors, because of your prior beliefs. That's the way checkerboards are supposed to work. And so you can't see it any differently. So the reason this happens is because your brain can't process reality as it is.

[00:24:52]None of our brains can because your brain is currently processing right this second 11 million bits of information.

[00:24:58]Right now 11 million bits are entering your brain. The light entering your retinas, the sound of my voice in your ears, the ambient temperature of the room. Your brain is processing all that information. That's about the equivalent of reading war and peace every second twice. It's tremendous amount of information.

[00:25:15]But your conscious awareness can only process about 50 bits of information. 50 bits of information is one sentence per second. So war in peace flashing in front of your eyes every second twice versus just one second at a time. So your brain can't take it all in. So what does it have to do? It has to see reality through this tiny pinhole of attention. And what it focuses on is based on your beliefs. So some people take in information and process that same data as suffering. They judge it as bad as as something that hurts that they don't like and they try and escape.

[00:25:52]While other people take the same exact data that is pain, can be pain. Pain is just signal. Pain is just data and they process it differently. They see it as something that excites them, that encourages them, that tells them they're getting better. And that's what makes them sustain over the long term. And of course, sustaining over the long term increases their odds of success. So, we have these we have these it's not that we don't have belief systems. It's that we have these subconscious pre-enccoded belief systems that are shaping our entire worldview. And we don't have the mental bandwidth because we're human to actively apply a belief system to a given situation. it. We just default to what we already have.

[00:26:30]>> We default to what we have. Why? Because the brain doesn't care if you're happy.

[00:26:36]The brain doesn't care if you're flourishing. The brain doesn't give a if you're meeting your full potential. No, your brain has evolved to keep you alive and procreating. That's it. That's all the brain wants to do for you, right? I mean, that's what evolution has that's the way evolution works, right? It's keeping you alive so that you can make more babies. So the safest thing it can do is to keep you doing what you have always done because you survived before. So just keep doing what you've done before. So keep believing what you've done before cuz that's how the brain sees the world. The brain doesn't see the world as it is. It sees it as it predicts it to be. That checkerboard looks the way it looks.

[00:27:15]Square A looks darker than square B even though you know they're the same color because that's how checkerboards are supposed to work. You've seen tons of checkerboards. That's the way they always work. And so your brain cannot see it any other way. And so in your own life, when you're in an argument with somebody, when you uh have a business disagreement, when uh something is is hard and it's causing you suffering, when you're stuck, it's always because there's some kind of what we call a limiting belief. What is a limiting belief? A limiting belief is a belief that decreases motivation while increases suffering. And so to answer your earlier question of like, well, what do we do with this? How do we use beliefs to to help us rather than hurt us? The the trick and this is what the book is all about. This is what took me six years to figure out is to identify those limiting beliefs. They're always hidden to us. It's very difficult to see them. We always need a tool to see them.

[00:28:08]To identify those limiting beliefs, see them for what they are and then reprogram ourselves with what's called a liberating belief. I would assume there's also the reason why it's so difficult for us to change our our limiting beliefs and and I think people have heard this term before, but I've never heard somebody actually explain what it actually is outside of just something that doesn't serve us. But on a on a on a subconscious uh sort of biological level, I'm assuming there's an efficiency there too because a belief that we already have probably takes less energy for the brain to run that function than to adopt a new one. And I think I think the brain is all about efficiencies and and not doing more than it has to from a survival perspective. So >> that's exactly right.

[00:28:54]>> Okay. So brain is is is is is helping us survive. Not necessarily helping us pursue our goals or our dreams or getting you know getting back into the gym if we have to get back into the gym. The brain is not helping us get there. So we got to figure out a way to like reprogram.

[00:29:11]How do we I I would say to reprogram we first have to figure out what we actually believe that we don't even know we believe. So we can like understand what those belief and I'm assuming it's coming from like parents, you know, guidance counselor in grade 12, like a friend that made fun of you in, you know, grade three. Like I'm sure there's belief systems that are probably rooted in trauma. Like you got to find a way to unpack all that stuff so then you can actually adopt a belief system that actually benefits you. How do we how do we go through this process? So, first of all, so you're right that they do come from our past, but it's not uh it's not the past's fault, so to speak. It's not your fault either, right? Because what happened to you happened to you. Uh the reason that checkerboard illusion, you can't see it as it is, is because you've seen checkerboards that way your whole life. It's it's your prior uh belief about how the world works. And so, that came from your past. Now, that's not your fault that your past happened to you, but it is your responsibility. So one of the things that we've seen increasingly uh in the psychology community is that trauma focused therapy that dwelling on the past, blaming the past, blaming our parents, blaming whatever has happened to us in the past really doesn't work. It's it's not very effective. It's uh it's it doesn't have the best track record. It works for some people of course and whatever works for you, you know, this is not medical advice, so whatever works for you, if it's working, do it. But in general, we're seeing kind of this the pendulum swing the other way. more of a a focus on the present moment. Uh and to do that, what we have to do is to realize that our limiting beliefs and and and everybody has them, right? A limiting belief is like your face, right? We all we all have a face. But if I told you to look at your face, you can't look at your face, right? You can you can't look at your not the way you can look at your hands or look at your feet. In order to look at your own face, you have to look in a mirror. You have to reflect. So, you need something outside of you to show you your own face. Same thing goes with our limiting beliefs. What's interesting is we can see other people's limiting beliefs, right? You I told you know >> I said very easily sometimes yet we can't look inside.

[00:31:13]>> Super easy. Yeah. You know, whether it's your spouse, your siblings, your co-workers, your boss, oh, you can see all their problems. Easy peasy. But when it comes to our own, not so easy. Why?

[00:31:24]Because to us, our beliefs feel like they feel like objective truths. Yeah.

[00:31:29]You you don't understand like see my situation is different, right? the the reason I can't do that thing that the reason I'm not ready, the reason I'm not good enough for it, the reason, you know, I have imposter syndrome. I've got this diagnosis. I've got this going on in my life. We I've heard it all. I've said it all to myself, right? Like I wrote this book because I wanted to figure out how to overcome my own limiting beliefs. So, it turns out you need a process. It's not something you can just say, "Oh, yeah. There's my limiting belief. I'm done with it." It it takes for most people and and everybody has it, right? Like, you know, the person I I I interviewed people who are billionaires and people who are broke. We've all got these limiting beliefs and what's interesting is we have them in different areas of our life, right? The person who's super successful in business neglects their health or their family or you know or you can swap any of those uh those variables. Typically, you know, people who are doing well are doing well in one area and then there's that other area whether it's their relationships, whether it's something that they're neglecting that they're just stuck in and and that's usually what's at the core is some kind of limiting belief. Is there a a meta skill that makes us better at identifying these?

[00:32:32]>> Yeah, exactly. So, so one of my there are many many techniques. Um, and it's it's definitely not dwelling on the past.

[00:32:38]>> So, that's that's the wrong way to do it. Okay, gotcha.

[00:32:41]>> Yeah, another wrong way to do it is is the positive thinking stuff. Uh, and I hate to tell we Yeah, this is not positive thinking. And in fact, positive thinking has turned out to be to have psychological backfire effects that uh manifesting that vision boarding that uh you know these things that everybody's talking about on the internet. There are really good studies we can talk about about why that stuff backfires. But let me get to your question about how do we do this? How do we actually like what's a a technique that we can actually use to improve our day-to-day lives? So this is called inquiry based stress reduction. And so what what this this is a technique that came out of um uh was developed by a woman by the name of Byron Katy decades ago. and now has had a lot more scientific validation.

[00:33:21]Actually, what she was doing was channeling a technique that's thousands of years old. Aristotle did something very similar. And and what this technique does, it essentially asks you to ask yourself four questions in order to develop what's called a portfolio of perspectives. Because you see, your brain hates changing its mind. Your brain hates changing its mind, right?

[00:33:44]It's much more comfortable believing what it's always believed and doing what it's always done because that's what protected you in the past. So, it is going to fight tooth and nail against any proposition of you changing your mind. Now, these four questions force you to to to question these beliefs and then you do what's called a turnaround.

[00:34:02]Maybe I can I can share a story of how I did this in my own life.

[00:34:05]>> Yeah, please.

[00:34:05]>> Um it Yeah. So, it was my and then we can do your story. I would love to see if you have any limiting beliefs. But with with me, >> I have no doubt in here. I have many.

[00:34:14]>> No, none. Totally.

[00:34:15]>> Yeah, none at all. Not none at all.

[00:34:17]Totally none at all. You're turning a little red there. What's going on there, Scott? You're all right. I won't put you on the hot seat if you don't want to, but okay. So, here's what happened to me. I'll I'll I'll I'll share my uh my embarrassment here. So, uh a few years ago was my mom's birthday and I wanted to do something nice for her. It was her 74th and uh I wanted to send her some flowers. The problem was I was in Singapore, where I am right now, and she was in Central Florida where I grew up.

[00:34:42]And so sending her those flowers wasn't so easy. I had to look around, call a bunch of florists, figure out who could deliver on time. Uh, you know, I had to make sure that they had the right arrangement. It was a lot of work.

[00:34:52]Anyway, I go to bed around 1:00 in the morning. I pat myself on the back, say, "Oh, you're you're you're a good son.

[00:34:57]She's going to love them. She's going to thank you so much the next day." But that's not what happened. What happened was that I called her up the next morning and I said, "Hey, mom. Happy birthday. Did you get the flowers I sent?" And she says, "Yes, I did. Thank you. But just so you know, those flowers were half dead, so don't order from that florist again. To which I said, "Well, that's the last time I buy you flowers."

[00:35:20]And uh it didn't go over so good, about as well as you'd expect. My wife, who was on the call as well. After the call, she turned to me and she said, "Would you like to do a turnaround on this?" To which I said, "No, I don't want to do your touchyfey hocus pocus mumbo jumbo.

[00:35:38]I need to vent." Right. I need to That's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to get things off our chest.

[00:35:43]We're supposed to speak our truth. We're supposed to tell people how we feel.

[00:35:46]You're not supposed to hold your feelings inside. Well, I knew enough at that point looking at the psychology literature that that is exactly not what you're supposed to do. That it turns out that venting does nothing but reinforce what we believe about people because we don't see reality clearly. You know that pinhole of attention. We don't see reality as it is. We definitely don't see people as they are. We see people as we believe them to be. So it it's not that we see things as we see things as we are >> almost doubling down on the negative perception when you vent. Okay, >> that's exactly right. You're reinforcing this effigy of the person every time you say she's always like that. There she goes again. She always does this kind of thing. Yeah, because that's what you see. Like I I have a uh Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever had a friend who I sometimes I'll have a friend who I'll meet and they'll be so nice to me and like like super generous and then you meet their spouse or their kids and they just become a completely different person, right? They're just like terrible to their family. Like you you met people like that >> 100%. Yeah.

[00:36:49]>> How is that possible? This person's so nice. Well, because to them they don't see the family as they are. They see all this history, all this baggage, all these priors that literally shape how they interact with the people around them. So anyway, >> I have a question on that quickly. If just if you are if you are venting, is that like further encoding a negative belief system?

[00:37:10]>> That's right. It's it's confirming what you believe to be true. And it here's the crazy part. It literally shapes what you see. Like I don't know if you've ever had this experience like when I I've been married for 25 years now, but I remember when I was dating and I'd see this gorgeous woman, right? Like I' i'd see this girl who's just a knockout and then they'd start talking and they would physically become ugly, right, once their personality came out.

[00:37:36]>> That has definitely happened.

[00:37:37]>> That has definitely >> and and I'll tell you the opposite also happens. You know, when I met my wife, my my my wife was always good-looking, but now she's gorgeous. Like now I just I'm just she's the most beautiful woman in the world to me because we we've built so much together. We have this amazing relationship. Now physically she probably looks different to other people because your beliefs literally shape what you're able to see. Just like that checkerboard illusion, just like the fact that people who are on a diet see food as larger, that people who are afraid of heights see distances as further. Their their subjective perception of reality is skewed based on our beliefs.

[00:38:12]>> That's wild.

[00:38:12]>> So the same goes with our relationship.

[00:38:14]>> Absolutely wild. when you're going through this with your mom, you're venting. So, if you aren't careful, like because that's the that's the that like you mentioned the healthy thing that people say you should do. You vent, you get it off your chest, you you know, something bad happens, you you grieve for a little bit, but then hopefully you move on. But what you're doing, if you aren't careful, is you're actually further encoding this belief system that is painting your mom in a bad light, whatever the thing is.

[00:38:44]So what do we what do we do in a negative situation to not further encode a negative belief system? Because I think that's outside of outside of replacing those beliefs cuz there's there's there's steps to this thing, right? So we got to make sure we don't further encode negative and then we got to eventually identify negative and then replace with positive. But like that's that's the optimal outcome. But that's obviously that takes a little bit of work.

[00:39:09]>> How the hell do we do that?

[00:39:10]>> Exactly. So we got to like we got to like stop doing the negative. Not just move towards a positive. We got to do the whole thing.

[00:39:16]>> That's right. That's right. So that's right. So most people stop right there.

[00:39:19]Ah, she's such a this and that. Like I hate that person. And of course and then now they're suffering. Right. So what why? Because they have a belief. So my belief in that instant what I wanted to vent about was my mother is too judgmental and she's impossible to please. That's what I believed in that moment. Right? And I wanted to vent that. I wanted my wife to confirm it so that I could be right. Right. The definition of a limiting belief because when I believe my mother is too judgmental and hard to please one, I suffer. Even when she's not in the room, I'm suffering from that even at the thought of her. And what happens to my motivation level, Scott, to work on that relationship?

[00:39:56]>> Yeah. I'm assuming judgmental, hard to please. Yeah.

[00:39:58]>> I'm done. Like, why would I want to be with somebody? Why would I want to work on a relationship with someone who's judgmental and hard to please? And that's why people are miserable. What's the alternative? What do we do instead?

[00:40:08]And you can do this with your co-workers. You could do this with your annoying boss. You could do this with your kids who are driving you crazy. You can do it with yourself. If there's anything in your life, the same exact questions I'm about to share with you.

[00:40:20]This process works for anything where you are stuck.

[00:40:23]>> If if if you if you if you know you binge out when you've had a you know, a great 3 months on your diet and then you go to an all you can eat buffet, then you're like, well, you know, I'm never going to lose weight and I can't believe I did that to myself. So it's not just about relationship with other people.

[00:40:38]It's it's the story about everything in your life.

[00:40:41]>> So true, right? So I used to be clinically obese, not just overweight, but clinically obese. And for 30 years, I yo-yo dieted because I had these limiting beliefs of diets don't work for people like me. And it's hard as a as a bigger person to exercise. And you know, this is never going to work. It's too difficult. These are all limiting beliefs, right? They're not facts.

[00:40:59]They're not, you know, Newton's laws.

[00:41:00]They're beliefs. They're up here. So here's what you do. Here's here's the solution that we've all been waiting for. Here's what you do. According to inquiry based stress reduction, this technique developed by Byron Katy. You start by asking yourself four questions.

[00:41:11]You write down that belief, right?

[00:41:12]Whatever it is, I'm not ready for this.

[00:41:14]This is too hard. Uh uh my mother is too judgmental and hard to please. Whatever that limiting belief, wherever you're stuck in your life, you start with that belief that's preventing you from from not suffering.

[00:41:26]So, I wrote down the belief my mother is too judgmental and hard to please. Now, here's the first question. The first question is, is that belief true?

[00:41:34]Scott, that is a stupid question.

[00:41:36]Obviously, my mother was being way too judgmental and hard to please. Am I right?

[00:41:41]>> Rhetorical question. Just agree. All right, just say yes.

[00:41:44]>> I don't know your mother.

[00:41:44]>> Obviously, right? Obviously, it's a fact, Scott. Like, who your son buys you flowers from halfway around the world and you tell him how the flowers are half dead? Come on. It's a fact. She was way too judgmental. Dumb question. Let's go on to question two. Question number two. Is it absolutely true?

[00:42:02]Is it absolute? Absolutely means 100% of the time, right? That could be that could be not sometimes fear.

[00:42:08]>> There's a little bit of doubt in there because what if the flowers did suck.

[00:42:11]>> Exactly. Yeah. Maybe there maybe they did really suck. Maybe there might be a million different explanations. If I'm honest with myself, it's not that it's a fact. It's a belief.

[00:42:22]So, I had to actually say maybe it's not absolutely true. Maybe there could be a a little bit of doubt that it's not absolutely true. Okay. Third question, who am I? How do I feel? How who do I become when I hold on to that belief?

[00:42:37]When I believe my mother's too judgmental and hard to please, how does that affect me?

[00:42:42]Well, I'm short-tempered, not very nice, kind of act like this 13-year-old version of myself that I'm not really proud of. I don't really like how I behave when I hold on to that belief. Now, the fourth question, who would I be without that belief? So, if I had this magic wand and poof, I touched my brain and that belief disappeared forever, how would I feel? I'm not saying I have to do that, but what if what would happen if I didn't have >> probably happier, better relationship with my mom?

[00:43:10]>> Yeah. Yeah. I'd be more myself.

[00:43:11]>> Stressed. Yeah.

[00:43:13]>> So, in four questions, what do we determine? Okay. One, that that belief that we were absolutely sure was a fact.

[00:43:21]Not so much. Maybe it's just a belief.

[00:43:24]two, that holding on to that belief doesn't serve us. And finally, that letting go of the belief makes us better. So now we've cracked the door open to creating what's called a portfolio of perspectives to see see things potentially different, not to change our minds. We don't want to force ourselves to change our minds because again, our brain hates changing our minds. So we're just going to collect different options, okay? Like Pokemon cards or basketball, you know, baseball cards or whatever. We're just a portfolio like stocks, right? Just a portfolio. So, what do you do to do this? You ask yourself, could the exact opposite of my belief also be true? Now, this is going to sound nuts, right? That's what it did to me. So, cuz I was I believed it was a fact that my mother is too judgmental and hard to please. And you're telling me the opposite could be true? What does that even mean? What would that sound like? The opposite of my mother is too judgmental and hard to please is my mother is not too judgmental and hard to please. How could that possibly be true?

[00:44:21]Well, maybe she was just saying a statement of fact. She did thank me after all. Maybe she was trying to protect me from not getting scammed by this florist. Maybe she was trying to be helpful, not hurtful.

[00:44:34]Could be true. I mean, I'm not saying it is true, but it could conceivably be true. Now, let's do a third one. Another opposite of my mother is too judgmental and hard to please. The opposite of that could also be I am too judgmental and hard to please. How could that be? Well, to be honest, I had rehearsed in my mind that if I'm going to do something nice for you, I deserve eusive praise. And when that praise didn't come, I lost it.

[00:45:07]So, who was being judgmental?

[00:45:10]I was. Here's a fourth turnaround.

[00:45:13]The opposite of I, my mother is too judgmental and hard to please could also be I am too judgmental and hard to please towards myself. And this one turned out to be the most true. This is called a misattribution of emotion. That when I felt crummy, when I felt incompetent, that this simple task of getting my mom some flowers didn't work out and that felt shitty inside, I wanted to find someone who caused that suffering in me. And so my mom got it, right? Right? We do this all the time.

[00:45:43]We feel crummy inside. It's classic bullying. We feel crummy. We're looking for someone else to pin it on, whether or not that's a fact. So now I have four beliefs. Okay. I had one. My mother is too judgmental and hard to please. Now I have four. Scott, which one is true?

[00:45:57]Which one's the right one?

[00:45:58]>> Well, I would say that depending on what serves you, they could all be true.

[00:46:04]>> They could all be true. They could all be false. Who cares?

[00:46:08]Because beliefs are tools, not truths.

[00:46:11]That one belief that I had at the beginning that to me felt like a fact.

[00:46:15]My mother is too judgmental and hard to please. She had to change so I could stop suffering. You don't know my mom, Scott. It ain't going to happen, right? Like people will not change so you can stop suffering. That's not how people work. They've got their own suffering.

[00:46:32]So why was I holding on to that belief?

[00:46:35]Because I felt it was true. It was the fact. It was the way it happened. I had to convince her that she needed to apologize for offending me. Who cares?

[00:46:44]Who who cares? When I took one of those other beliefs, my motivation level to have a relationship with her, to continue to work on our relationship, to to to make peace with my mom increased and my suffering decreased. So, why the hell wouldn't I adopt one of these other beliefs? Because it's not true. It's not the way it happened. Are you gaslighting yourself? You're lying to yourself.

[00:47:07]Guess what people? We're already lying to ourselves. You're already gaslighting yourself. You're just picking the limiting belief instead of the liberating belief. There is a choice here. Blinkist is a success story partner. Now, here's something I think about a lot. I interview some of the smartest people in the world on this show. So, authors, founders, investors, and every single one of them reads a lot. But the problem is most of us don't have 3 hours a day to sit down with a book. We know we should be reading more.

[00:47:32]We want to, but we just don't. That's why I use Blinkist. takes the best non-fiction books out there and breaks them down to the 15-minute reads or listens. We are talking over 9,000 titles. Business, leadership, productivity, finance, the stuff that actually moves the needle in your life and your business. I'll pull up a title like the psychology of money or atomic habits while I'm at the gym or in between calls. That's 15 minutes and you can walk away with the core ideas. You can even download them offline so there's really no excuse. See, if you are the type of person who listens to this show, you already want to learn.

[00:47:59]Blinkist just removes the friction. Get your free trial and save an additional 30% by going to blinkist.com/clary.

[00:48:05]That's blinkist.com/clary.

[00:48:07]Hubspot is a success story partner. Now, if you're looking for a new podcast, one of my favorite shows right now is Demand Decoded. If you're in the B2B marketing space, you need to be listening to this.

[00:48:16]It's hosted by the team at Blend. They are a demand genen agency. They know what they're doing. They're also part of the HubSpot podcast network. What I love about it is they skip all the theory and they just tell you what's actually working today. So, demand genen, marketing, content, LinkedIn ads, attribution. They talk about real strategies that they are using that you can use today that are working. So, if you're an entrepreneur, if you're building a business, if you're really selling anything to anyone, go search demand decoded wherever you get your podcast. I love this. I love this so much because I I I fully I fully fully believe I fully believe um that we can architect our own reality. That's something that I've always believed. We can architect our own reality. We can architect our own life. And I think that this I've said it without understanding the psychological basis for why that's why that's my truth. Right? And I think that a lot of this comes down to like what we're talking about today. But I think the question that people would have would be, I understand how to objectively see a a a scenario in multiple different ways, but how do I figure out what my truth should be so I can align one of those four potential outcomes with something that serves me?

[00:49:28]>> Yeah. So you I would I would refine what you said a tiny bit. can't create reality like the manifesting stuff, the vision boarding stuff.

[00:49:39]>> Yes, >> it really does hurt people. You don't create reality, but you do create your perception of reality. That is a fact that based on what you believe, you will literally see things differently, feel things differently, and do things differently based on what you believe.

[00:49:59]So that is absolutely true. And at the end of the day, we don't we we don't live in everyone's reality. We live in our perception of reality. Right? So, you're not going to you're not going to necessarily will outcomes differently that are not in your control. There are lots of things that the universe doesn't give a how you feel, but you can shape how you feel. And so, to answer your question, which one of these beliefs we we pick? This is what's so beautiful about beliefs. Beliefs are tools, not truths. It's like saying um to a carpenter, you know, uh a carpenter uses a hammer and successfully builds a house. Now, does that carpenter say, "Hey, this hammer served me that one time when I built a house. I only can use this hammer. The hammer, it's the one and only true tool." No. Sometimes you need a saw, sometimes many different tools to build a house. Yeah, of course.

[00:50:50]>> That's right. That's exactly right. But why do we keep sticking to these beliefs that I was agrieved or this is too difficult and I can't do this, you know, these these limiting beliefs that we hear all the time in our brains without actually testing them and taking them out. So the answer is we try them on. We just try them on and it's going to sound crazy. It's going to feel super weird.

[00:51:12]It's going to again that's your brain that's your evolutionary hardwiring trying to get you not to change your mind because the brain hates changing its mind. So that's supposed to happen.

[00:51:22]It's called immunity to change. Just like your your body, you know, like if you have a splinter, you're going to get an infection to try and get get the bacteria out and, you know, neutralize the the the um anti the whatever is causing, you know, that that damage.

[00:51:36]Your brain's the same way, like weird ideas, seeing things differently. You you nobody's open-minded, right?

[00:51:42]Nobody's actually giving reality a chance. We can't. It's too hard for us.

[00:51:47]So what we want to do is one at a time we take out let's say these four beliefs that that we did in this very quick exercise with my mom and I just tried them on. I tried one didn't seem to really work very well. It was causing me a lot of suffering my original belief.

[00:52:01]So I tried another one and then if that one works awesome if it doesn't work I got another one or another one. Adding on the idea of labels and identities.

[00:52:13]So we spoke about limiting beliefs. We spoke about sort of your brain defaulting to, you know, these these subconscious belief systems that were ingrained in us from again society, parents, whatever, history past. Um, is what what how do labels and and and identities play into this idea? Are they just sort of like this super ingrained version of a belief that is just like sort of you know a a crude over time like what is what is this and and does it serve us or not or >> Yeah. So um labels can serve us but we have to be very very careful in in large part they can they can hurt us. Um and we know this especially with this diagnosis epidemic that you know we everybody knows about the uh placebo effect right the placebo effect is very well studied and I talk about in the book about and it's all belief driven it's all based on expectations and it's amazing what placeos can do that placeos you know even when you know you're taking a placebo they're still effective that you can go on Amazon right now and buy pills call placeos it says placeos on the jar and you will see fivestar reviews for fast acting relief. And these people aren't crazy. It is there's study after study. Now, placeos don't fail fix sickness. They fi fix illness.

[00:53:39]So, sickness is in the body. Like a placebo won't cure cancer. A placebo is not going to fix a broken arm. But they will change the symptoms, the perception of those symptoms. Again, you can't change reality. You can change your perception of reality. So just like we have placeos, we also have what's called noos. Noos are the opposite of placeos.

[00:54:01]There are these negative effects that when we believe we are going to experience, we really do experience. And it happens time and time again. There was a a very famous case uh in Portugal where on one evening hospitals across the country were full of teenage girls who had intense intestinal discomfort. only teenage girls. All of them had these terrible symptoms uh of of stomach pains.

[00:54:31]They thought, "Was there food poisoning?

[00:54:33]Was there some kind of, you know, weird virus going around?" Nope. Turns out that there was a very popular TV show called Strawberries and Cream that was for it was like a like a soap opera kind of thing, like a tel nolla type of thing where the main character on the show was a teenage girl who had some kind of terrible stomach illness. And so it became this this illness that kind of suddenly everybody got and and it was it was real. They had real physical symptoms, diarrhea and vomiting, all those symptoms. So our expectations can shape what we do. And there's another really startling uh case study of this guy by the name of Mr. A. He's anonymized in the in the research study.

[00:55:11]Mr. A has this really bad breakup with his girlfriend and he decides he's going to commit suicide. He doesn't want to live anymore. So he goes to his medicine cabinet and he takes an entire bottle of anti-depressants.

[00:55:22]Takes the anti-depressants. Then all of a sudden, just as he's swallowing the last pill, he decides he changes his mind. He wants to live after all. He rushes to his neighbor's house. He knocks on the door. He says, "I I I need you to take me to the hospital." They rush him to the emergency room. By the time he gets there, he's passing out.

[00:55:37]He's super weak. He passes out on the floor. And just before he does, he tells the nurses, "I took all my pills. I took all my pills." And he gives him the pill jar. They put him on the gurnie. They rush him to the operating room to try and figure out how to, you know, get this whatever he's taking out of his body to to because he's clearly overdosing. His blood pressure is dropping. His uh heart rate is critically low. Uh he's fading in and out of consciousness and they're trying to figure out what anti-depressant did he take. They look on the pill jar and it doesn't say the name of the drug. It says a phone number. They call the phone number. The person on the other end of the line tells them that in fact, Mr. A was in a clinical trial for these anti-depressants and he hadn't actually taken the anti-depressants at all that he had taken a placebo that he was in the control group. And so they tell Mr. A this. They tell him, "Hey, nothing you took could have possibly caused these symptoms. You were in the control group.

[00:56:34]You didn't take the anti-depressant.

[00:56:35]You're not going to die." Within 15 minutes, Scott, his heart rate is back to normal. His blood pressure is stabilized. He walks out of the hospital perfectly healthy, maybe a little embarrassed, right? And so here's the thing. If your expectation can create these physiological symptoms like they did for Mr. A based on if you think you are poisoned, don't tell me that having a label about who you are or what you are isn't also creating your own symptoms.

[00:57:09]It happens all the time that when we think, for example, when I got my ADHD diagnosis, I I've been diagnosed with ADHD.

[00:57:17]And when I first got my diagnosis, I would constantly tell myself every time I got distracted, there I go again. There's my freaking ADHD. I've got this chronic brain disease that I'm never going to get rid of. And if I can't focus, how am I going to finish my deadline? And then my editor is going to be mad at me. And I this why does this always happen? Why do I have this stupid thing? And guess what? I wasn't focused on the work because I was spinning out full of anxiety about this label that I created for myself that this is a chronic thing that I can never get over.

[00:57:48]I became the diagnosis and that's not helpful. It's it's it's called identity foreclosure. When we say this is who I am, uh I'm not a morning person. Uh I'm a Sagittarius. I'm an ENTJ. I'm an anagram. I'm a whatever the freak. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do? It's comforting. It was very comforting that I had a diagnosis. Ah, that's why I've been struggling all these years. But then we if it becomes your identity, if it becomes your label, your label will become your limit.

[00:58:23]So the right way to look at a diagnosis or a label is like a map. Okay? A map tells you here's the treasure. Here's where you are. Here's how to get to the treasure. Now maybe somebody else might look at the map and they're on a different place in the map. Okay? Maybe maybe somebody without ADHD is closer to the treasure. But that doesn't mean that I am the map. The map is the path. The math map teaches me how to get better.

[00:58:47]So now my limiting belief of I have a chronic illness is instead I'm learning a new skill. I'm learning a new skill.

[00:58:57]That's what I tell myself. Why? Because telling myself a new limiting belief increases my motivation to work on this, to fix this problem for myself. And I've figured out all kinds of techniques to do that over the years and reduces my suffering and helps me embrace the things that are great about the way my brain works because look, I've written three bestsellers. So it's not that I'm always distracted and I have a chronic brain disease. It's that when I'm interested in something, I hyperfocus on it. Right? So, so this is again which beliefs serve you. So having a label that becomes your limit that's a cage of your own creation. But having a label that empowers you that that that that uh makes you limitless in terms of of of uh your limiting beliefs that's empowering.

[00:59:41]That's what we want to adopt.

[00:59:42]>> I want to bring this full circle because when I first started this conversation we spoke about prayer and I know you don't do anything just to do it.

[00:59:52]everything you do in your daily practice, your life. I know there's like a reason and a purpose. So, bringing it back, not prayer again from like a traditional religious standpoint, but the act of actually first for me define what your version of prayer is. Is it time with yourself? Is it uh reflection?

[01:00:13]Is it, you know, inner work? What whatever it is, define that. But then I want you to tie it into how this actually helps you understand your your belief systems, your your labels, your subconscious biases because I'm there's there's a there's a throughine there for sure and I know that's why you do it.

[01:00:28]>> Yeah. So, a few things. So, um I think I misunderstood prayer that I thought prayer was about asking for stuff.

[01:00:38]And in fact, when I met with these five religious leaders, they they all told me that that's kind of the the simple person's version of prayer, that God is not a cosmic slot machine. So, uh I didn't know that. Like I Nobody tells you that.

[01:00:53]>> No, I get it.

[01:00:53]>> That's not >> You're right. Right. Like cuz that's what we that's what I thought you did.

[01:00:57]You're supposed to, you know, you know, please fix this thing for me. Please, I need money. Please, I need to meet my spouse. Please, you know, make me healthy. Please do this. Please do that.

[01:01:05]And there's probably a a place for that.

[01:01:07]I you I know I'm not I if again if something works for you do it. It didn't speak to me like there was I I I I that wasn't meaningful to me. So I don't ask for things. I ask for the attribute to overcome the thing.

[01:01:24]One of my liberating beliefs that I've now adopted is it doesn't get easier, you get stronger.

[01:01:32]So, I used to think that if I did things right, everything would fall into place, that everything would work out. If I was if I was good, then it shouldn't be hard, right? Like, if I'm the kind of person who's supposed to be good at this kind of thing, then it should be easy.

[01:01:49]And that's a limiting belief, right? Who who says it never gets easier? You just get stronger. So what I when I pray, what I pray for is wisdom, is patience, is the things that I'm working on that I want to remind myself that daily practice. So this is what I got from the imam about Islam about how Islam you you pray the same thing five times a day breakfast lunch dinner supper you it times the throughout the day because when you're off base when you're impatient when you're you need that reminder to be humble to to to uh to be more patient that's that's what I'm looking for is is that's what I'm asking for I'm reminding myself I don't I don't know if anybody's listening I'm reminding myself of the attributes I need to overcome the challenges >> prayer is almost like a a conscious fight against your subconscious limiting beliefs.

[01:02:40]>> That's right. It's a reminder of that.

[01:02:42]>> It's just a constant reminder.

[01:02:43]>> I'm looking for the answers for how I can strengthen myself, right? Like where what do I need to focus on today that can help me be better to others?

[01:02:53]>> You mentioned um obviously you you changed your belief about your mom and then you know going through this book it says that when you fix one belief or fix is the wrong word. When you change one belief, it starts to cascade into other belief systems in your life. So it it changes your way of thinking, right? It you spoke about and you wrote about how it changes your relationship with your daughter as well after you sort of went through this process with your mom. So when somebody starts to go down this journey, they you know they read the book um they start to incorporate some of these ideas. How does this one how does one belief start to unlock another belief and another belief and sort of put you on this flywheel I guess for lack of a better term towards like a healthy a healthier happier life.

[01:03:36]>> Yeah. So it started with my mom cuz that was a very like palpable relationship and I'm telling you like kind of the simple story with the flowers. Of course there's a whole history there. We all have these >> like with all moms, >> right?

[01:03:48]>> With all moms, right? Yeah. There's always history. Um but then you know when I when I realized that I was creating the suffering I I wasn't creating her actions. I'm not responsible for her actions but I was creating the interpretation of her actions of judging judging judging judging.

[01:04:06]And what I realized eventually is that I I was doing that to everybody and everything and to myself. Just constantly judging just constantly good bad good bad good bad. Whereas what I learned to do, the reason this became kind of a domino effect is that you know when you have a kid, especially a teenage daughter, um it forces you to see yourself through their eyes. Like just as I was judging my mom, I didn't want my daughter to judge me, right? Like I I I knew that that was our instincts. And when we had friction between each other, it that was always the case that we were judging each other constantly. Whereas um I I have a new limiting belief as opposed to you know letting myself be disappointed by the actions of others which I was constantly doing whether I would verbalize it or not like I was constantly judging other people's behavior. Now my new liberating belief is a mantra that I repeat to myself all the time which is love is measured by the benefit of the doubt.

[01:05:06]Love is measured by the benefit of the doubt. What does that mean? That um you know in every religion this concept of love is is central, right? Whether it's God's love, whether it's our love for our fellow man, love is is a central pill. But what what is that? Like what what are we talking about here? Like why is love so important? Um so to me, my I had to think about this. I thought about it a long time. So to me, love is measured by the benefit of the doubt. I remember the day my daughter was born.

[01:05:32]Do you have kids, by the way, Scott?

[01:05:34]>> No. Soon. God willing soon. But not yet.

[01:05:37]Okay. Well, I wish for you um that you will feel this because I remember the day that I held my daughter in my arms and she was exactly the size from my elbow to my tips of my fingers. That's exactly how big she was. I held her for the first time and they let me wash her uh to clean her up. And I remember just I had this intense love for her. That was kind of the most pure instant love.

[01:06:00]Like falling in love with my wife took a little, you know, like we dated for a while, you know, but falling in love with my daughter was instantaneous. Like she was in the world now and I instantly loved her more than anything in the world. And whatever she did, I would give her ultimate benefit of the doubt. She cried, she pooped, she squirmed. She needed stuff. Like, I don't care. Like, of course she would because she's a baby, right? Like, you can't blame a baby for doing those things. That's all they can do, right?

[01:06:29]So, she didn't cry to annoy me. She cried because that was the only tool she had. And I loved her because I gave her every benefit of the doubt that what she was doing wasn't to annoy at all. It was the tool she had. And here's what happened, Scott. We're all babies. We just got bigger.

[01:06:50]We're all working with the tools we have. My daughter now she's 17. She's just working with the tools she has. My mom, she's 47, 48 now. She's also just working with a tool she has, right? Just like those babies, they're crying because it's the only tool they have.

[01:07:05]And so, everybody's just operating with the tools they have. And so my job is to give them the grace to remind myself this liberating belief that reduces my suffering that when somebody would annoy me before, my liberating belief now is we're all just operating with the tools we have and my job is to love them with the benefit of the doubt. If somebody if somebody is listening to this um they just want to know where to start.

[01:07:34]They have limiting beliefs. Um, obviously I think uh you have a website set up um nearandfar.com/belief-change and they can probably go there. They can find uh they can find the book wherever they get books, Amazon, whatnot. Um Beyond belief it was out in March if I'm not mistaken. So it's available for purchase now. But if somebody wants to just start, what would be your best advice to them? The thing they do immediately after listening to this podcast just so they can get on the right. And I also want to say one thing too. Um, you know, you've been very candid with some of your own stories and I'm sure there's many more and I'm sure you still have beliefs that you have to like work through, but you study this for a living and you still to a degree have difficulty with it. So, >> yeah. Why do you think I wrote the book?

[01:08:25]>> 100%. So, I mean, I don't want the I don't want the person listening to be like, "Oh my god, well, if Near if Ne had these issues, like, well, you know, who who am I to be able to figure this stuff out, but but in all seriousness, like just give give yourself some grace because these are these are things that outside of going through your work, like we don't learn these things." To your point, everybody's just a baby that just grew up and and we we don't know what we're doing or how we're programmed or any of that.

[01:08:51]>> That's right. And and you know, I'm telling you, like the I've I've talked to so many super successful people you would not believe. And people that you think have it all together, they're all just trying to figure it out. We're all We all have these limiting beliefs. And even if you're super successful in one area of your life that you think you figured out, there's always some other limiting belief that you're working on in in a different area of your life. So the thing I really want to leave folks with is is is two things. Number one that we need the intellectual humility to realize that we do not see reality clearly. We don't even see our own reality clearly. Remember that 50 bits of information versus 11 million bits of information. You don't see reality. You see your you see reality through your beliefs. And if you don't see your reality clearly, you definitely don't see other people's reality clearly. So like we need that intellectual humility of of of realizing that. That's number one. Two, you can do way more than you know. That your limiting beliefs are keeping you from being the kind of person that you're actually able to become. The person you know you can become. Uh those are hidden to you, but they can be unlocked.