Toxic Positivity

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]Hi, welcome to Getting Naked the podcast. Um, so I've been thinking a lot about gratitude um and staying present.

[00:00:10]So, as I am um rebounding from what I really think is the worst year of my life, 2024, and then 2025 had its bumps as well. I really did my best to stay present with the pockets of joy that I would find and be grateful for even the hard stuff. It's like somehow I knew I was learning something. Um so what I what I really want to share with you today and I have a guest on today that um she is our first repeater because I want to have her back many times because she's so interesting. She has helped me a lot just by her recommendations and just being able to talk to her. But I want to talk about gratitude, staying present, and curiosity and how it's helped me get through the worst year of my life. And I feel like I've been able to even blossom. And I want to be able to share that with you because I want you all to feel that as well.

[00:01:36]I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. Look at all that flavor we packed into chicken breast. Love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering where's my show. This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno pepper. Oh my god, it's so good.

[00:01:57]>> Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Now Val's Cooking. Guess what we're going to make right now?

[00:02:05]>> We're live. Hi, everybody. How are you?

[00:02:07]>> You have to go to Valerie's place.

[00:02:08]That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh yes, I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again.

[00:02:19]>> I'm dancing. That's how good it is.

[00:02:21]>> So, head to valerysplace.com and go ahead and sign up.

[00:02:24]>> You guys are the original members and I can't thank you enough.

[00:02:26]>> It's happy time.

[00:02:32]So before we get into today's episode, I just have a quick reminder to stay tuned for the full reveal. That is a special segment specifically for Valerie's Place members. And if you want to be able to access the full reveal and get early access to this podcast and all the podcasts, head over to valeriesplace.com and sign up. So our guest today, Abby Gold, she's an LA based therapist, very knowledgeable in what she does. Um she focuses on disorders, eating disorders, body issues, also trauma and stress. And the last time we talked here, um it was about shame and kind of like making friends with shame, not wasting your shame, using it to help yourself because we all have it. So let's not let it go to waste. So let's talk about um joy, intention, um staying intentional, living in the present. It sounds like it's something that's so hard to do and like focusing for me anyway is something that just sounds like it's oh god I have to work at this. It can be it can be less so that it can just be something that happens naturally like my curiosity has started to happen naturally for me and I want to talk to Abby about this a little bit. So um I want to talk about the idea of intention being present being conscious of what we're doing and thinking and so I want you to welcome again Abby Gold.

[00:03:54]>> Thanks for having me again. I'm so happy to be back.

[00:03:55]>> So glad you're here. This is so fun. It you're you have so much great information, but I I want you there's a I specifically want to get into eventually your four-fold way because I think it's really that's helpful for helping people stay intentional and staying present. Yes.

[00:04:11]>> But to get into that, I just want to know about, you know, how do we slow down? How do we how do we get our brains when they're going going going in this world to just kind of like focus on where we are at the moment? Even if it's challenging and we don't want to think about it or if it's something that's joyful and we want to like make it last.

[00:04:30]>> Yes. So I mean we can end up bringing four-fold way in pretty quickly here because it is a pillar to doing just that. Um and I think we can connect it back to actually our previous conversation about shame like you were just saying not wasting shame. That doesn't mean you always have to be grateful instead right. Sometimes I feel like people switch from, okay, so I'm not going to hang on my trauma, but I'm not grateful for my trauma. And that's not what we mean. You know, it's about not wasting shame and finding what you're grateful for. It doesn't mean you have to be grateful for that.

[00:05:03]>> Like I'm not grateful for the experience, but I'm grateful for who I am.

[00:05:06]>> Yeah. And or like can you be grateful that you have the opportunity to figure it out? Like is there a way that we can soften gratitude so it doesn't feel like this pillar we have to climb and like something we have to master and something that is maybe forced or fake?

[00:05:18]How do we be able to say I'm grateful for something and actually mean it?

[00:05:22]>> Um that >> still like be grateful for something and still be angry that it happened but I'm grateful that it happened which seems dialectically opposed but that is a process.

[00:05:32]>> Yeah. And you also you don't have to be grateful. You can just say happened. It happened. Here I am. Right. And now what? Because that's really the question that a lot of us forget. We get to answer. When something has happened, it feels like it's happened to us, but it just it happened. We experienced it. And actually, we get to say now what? Okay, what am I going to do with the fact that that thing happened?

[00:05:55]What does it mean for my life? What do I want it to mean? We don't have to be passengers to it. Um, you know, when you talk about having the gratitude, I think first it comes back to like being present. You said talking about the joy, finding the joy means connect to the present moment first. Do we know what we're doing? Where where are we? What are we feeling? or like even when I was I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just want to say this is the this is why I brought joy into it because even when I was going through the absolute worst year of my life and I was being bombarded with emotional [ __ ] and I physical, emotional, mental, um I still was able to sit in the studio and watch my son create his art. So that was joy for me.

[00:06:39]Even though I had all this other [ __ ] going on and I had more surgeries that I had to put up with and and do all that stuff, but I still got to experience joy here or I got to get on an airplane and go to a job that I love.

[00:06:50]>> Did you notice in the moment?

[00:06:52]>> Yes.

[00:06:53]>> How?

[00:06:54]>> Because I went, "Oh, this feels so good.

[00:06:56]Can I just hold on to this for a little bit?" Like I Oh god, this feels really good. you know, and just feeling that even though I knew if once I walked out of that door, my life was going to feel shitty again, >> right?

[00:07:07]>> But I I stayed in that joyful part.

[00:07:09]>> I love what you said because so often we go, "Oh, this feels good. Oh, that shitty thing." And then we're eradicating our joy. We're taking away that thing that we've wanted to get to.

[00:07:18]We've wanted to feel it. We've been trying all these new whatevers to get ourselves a little more joy. And then when we have it, we're like, "Gosh, when's it going to go? What's going to happen?" Oh, but that thing, we ruin it for ourselves. I love what you said. You got to sit there and you said, "Ah, this is it." There was um a quote by Kurt Vonagget, who I might botch the quote, but he said, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is or if this isn't happy, I don't know what is." And I try to think about that like when I I'm telling myself something's enjoyable.

[00:07:51]>> Oh, it is. Oh, look into it and like have the experience instead of like feeling like I'm about to spend it >> and experience yourself experiencing it.

[00:08:00]>> Exactly. Exactly. And then you know what to do the next time. Oh, things suck.

[00:08:04]Okay. What do you enjoy? Is there something that you can use like going to see your son play or maybe just sitting down outside and like hearing the birds >> and doing things but be here and be okay. Like can you find joy? It's it's not this monumental thing. We have to make it accessible and realize like it it doesn't have to be something that you don't get to have. Right.

[00:08:30]>> Right.

[00:08:31]>> Find all you have to do is open your eyes and you can like you said go outside, listen to the birds chirp.

[00:08:37]That's >> to me that's a part of like awe. Awe is a great part of finding joy. Like taking all like the sunrise this morning was so beautiful and I just went thank you.

[00:08:49]What a beautiful gift to see this sunrise. The first thing I do when I open my eyes, >> like just finding something like that.

[00:08:55]>> Totally. And when you get to share it like you just did, like getting to tell someone else what you experienced that brought you joy. You're solidifying it.

[00:09:03]You're really sealing it in.

[00:09:05]>> You know, you don't even realize it, but you're recalling something that gave you this feeling. And then you get to recognize >> no matter what story I was just telling myself, I did have that.

[00:09:14]>> Yeah.

[00:09:14]>> Yeah.

[00:09:15]>> That's big. And then you get to share it and then it reminds someone else like >> and then they get to think about >> sunset maybe I'll look at the sun or >> oh I saw that same sunset too or Yeah.

[00:09:25]Yeah.

[00:09:26]>> So by just slowing down to notice the joy >> or slow slowing down even in this part because we feel so overwhelmed sometimes slowing down to notice your overwhelm and noticing it and noticing what's happening in your body. You can notice both things and they don't have to >> mess up your day. Or you >> noticing the challenging and noticing the joy are two similar things. It's slowing down, >> right? Both of them are you're bringing your awareness to something, being intentional.

[00:10:00]>> Exactly. We get to talk about intention and perspective. And I feel like this is we can bring in four-fold way here where um in this book by Angelus Arian who's a cultural anthropologist it I I'm extrapolating some of her themes in it but she has four things that we can do to be living an intentional um authentic life and those things are show up pay attention tell the truth without judgment and don't be attached to the results.

[00:10:30]Tell the truth without judgment. Meaning tell yourself the truth.

[00:10:34]>> Tell yourself, tell someone else. Just hear it. Like tell let the truth be there without adding judgment to it. Now these we can dance back and forth between them and we we have to.

[00:10:48]>> Can you say them again?

[00:10:49]>> Yes. Show up, pay attention, tell the truth without judgment and don't be attached to the results.

[00:10:56]>> Ah okay. So when we're talking about being aware, slowing down, paying attention, showing up, these are things that allow us to breach that place of, you know, stepping back into more of our observer self, being our consciousness and not our our mind chatter.

[00:11:14]That is automatically going to slow us down because we have to pay attention to the present moment.

[00:11:19]>> We have to figure out, oh, if I'm not the doer, what is the doer doing? What am I going to ask the doer to do? Right?

[00:11:25]How do I step back and go, okay, I get to make a decision here. This is also a great way to shout out like putting our cell phones down because things take so much longer when we actually are on our cell phones, but they sometimes feel so much longer when we don't have our phone because we're multitasking all the time.

[00:11:43]Do you ever feel that?

[00:11:44]>> Yes. Yes. Like being able to sit in a quiet moment without picking this thing up >> and just actually being intentional with my time, >> right? And you're being with your thoughts. You're brushing your teeth.

[00:11:57]>> Yes.

[00:11:57]>> Don't put anything on yet.

[00:11:59]>> You know, no like music maybe, but sometimes that sometimes we just need to not have an external something happening at the same time that we're trying to exist. Yeah. So that we can hear what's happening up here instead of miss it.

[00:12:14]>> So showing up and >> I think a lot of people spend a lot of time not wanting to hear what's up here.

[00:12:19]And I think that's where the problems arise. I know for a long time I didn't want to hear what my brain was telling me. And we have control over those thoughts by the way which we forget a lot and I've just really started to work with I have control over this. I don't have to tell myself this. I don't I mean and the brain is very powerful but I think a lot of that that I've been able to work with is my curiosity with any feeling that comes up and what that does to my brain like is it my brain telling my something to feel or is that happening like this a lot of that stuff happens split second where we don't even realize it but by staying intentional and getting curious it helps us stay exactly in the moment. How have you started to slow down and notice it?

[00:13:06]>> Because what you're talking about is like that feels a little advanced sometimes, right? Curious >> like Yeah. You have to >> I know it's hard to remember to be curious, but for some reason that stuck with me now because because some of my feelings used to be so uncomfortable and I just wanted to like no no no no and squash squash squash. But I I realized by squashing feelings down, they don't go anywhere.

[00:13:33]>> They they just pop up at inconvenient times or convenient for whatever that you know. So by as soon as a feeling happens that may be uncomfort, it's usually with an uncomfortable feeling that I do the curiosity. It's like, oh, what is this? What's going on? Okay, you want to talk to me? What's happening?

[00:13:51]Why am I feeling this way? What is what am I supposed to be understanding about this feeling? And just like >> that is truth without judgment. That is showing up and paying attention. You're going, "Ooh, there's a something. Okay, now I'm going to engage with it. I'm going to pay attention. What do I what am I feeling? What is that thing? Okay.

[00:14:07]>> Why is uncomfortable?"

[00:14:09]>> Yeah. And then the curiosity is you're letting the truth exist without going that thing like you're not attacking it.

[00:14:16]You're not creating a narrative.

[00:14:18]>> Stupid idiot. Why are you feeling this way again?

[00:14:20]>> This thing again. Exactly. You're also not saying, "Oh, that," you know, you're not labeling that thing. You're just going, "What is it?" And that allows it space to tell you what it is.

[00:14:32]>> And more often than not, it dissipates really rapidly. Yeah. The more curious I am and the more questions I give it that it doesn't know how to answer or sometimes can just say, "Yeah, well, you have this thing coming up. Maybe you're a little nervous about it." Oh, okay.

[00:14:44]That's is that all it is? Okay. Thanks for let me, you know, reminding me. And it's that simple, right? But that like it takes practice. I think >> it does. It takes practice. It also is active. Like I think sometimes there's this illusion that it's going to become natural and fluid and you're not even going to have to think about it. We're just going to become these enlightened beings. It's not that way, right? We're going to >> I think what's become enlightened is the day you get to finally pass and go on to actual different energy. But >> I mean, yeah, I have a lot of questions about enlightenment.

[00:15:14]>> I do too. It doesn't become it doesn't start to feel like a job like oh I got to work on myself anymore. It's just it's just a way of existing so that our feelings get hurt and we don't start eating, drinking, gambling, having sex or doing you know doing things in abundance that isn't healthy for us >> you know cuz nothing is unhealthy about eating, shopping, drinking or anything in you know in its proper ways. But having sex, nothing's improper about that. It's when we overindulge and it's hurtful for >> our relationship with it. It's how we're using that.

[00:15:51]>> The something that I notice a lot with clients on this um topic, it like there's a fear of not doing the thing they're so used to. There was there was more of a fear of what's on the other side. Like what happens when I don't hide from the inner child?

[00:16:07]>> What happens when I don't do things exactly the way I've been doing them, which has been keeping me safe? If I've been doing all of these behaviors because of what is happening in here, then why am I going to not do why am I going to like make more space for the thing that got me in this problem to begin with.

[00:16:23]>> Right.

[00:16:23]>> Right. And so that is another like myth we have to debunk. But it it's very hard like you're talking about there was a time where you don't want to pay attention. You don't want to hear what's happening up here. Right. Because I think there are people I mean I know that when I very first started going to therapy decades ago I said I'm afraid to start crying because I'm afraid I'll never stop.

[00:16:42]>> Yeah. Exactly.

[00:16:43]>> But the thing is you do eventually. You can't cry forever. So that that >> died of a feeling.

[00:16:48]>> No one has ever died of a feeling.

[00:16:49]That's a great one. And now I've gotten to a point where I'm afraid to let myself be angry because I'm afraid I'll never stop.

[00:16:57]>> But I know that's not true because I experienced it with grief and sadness. I do eventually stop crying. There's like tears just stop, you know, and you cry yourself out. It feels really good to get on the other side of it.

[00:17:09]>> So, what do I do with anger? Because I have a lot that I I have let so much [ __ ] roll off my back my entire [ __ ] life. Excuse my language. Beep the hell out of me. But yeah, and I'm sure I know I'm not the only one that has let a lot of stuff roll off their back.

[00:17:25]>> Um, and it takes a lot to make me angry.

[00:17:28]I will bite down my anger. My my tongue will be bleeding because I don't want to um expose my anger to people that I I just first of all don't necessarily feel safe.

[00:17:42]>> I don't I don't want to expose it to myself because I don't know where it'll go.

[00:17:45]>> Yeah.

[00:17:45]>> I mean, I've screamed. I've hit pillows.

[00:17:47]I've The best place to scream is in your car and I've done that. So, I've hurt my throat >> and it feels good, but then I'm like, "Oh, you're such an idiot." you know, why did you feel like you needed to do that? But then part of me feels like, >> yeah, because you screamed, you got it out.

[00:18:01]>> Yeah.

[00:18:02]>> So then you're having this rebound reaction.

[00:18:03]>> Rebound. And I'm like, but wait a minute. It did feel good to like kind of release a lot of energy. So I don't know what what would you say to someone because we just sort of said it because you you you're not going to die of your feelings. But anger is a tough one. And I think a lot of us are angry.

[00:18:19]>> It is tough. I also I think it's first important to say anger is the same same anger, sadness, happiness.

[00:18:32]These are all feelings that are just feelings. They the story that we tell ourselves about them or the story that we have about what it's like to feel them. our history with that feeling is often what informs us or or is often what informs what we're telling ourselves about why we don't want to feel it or why it's going to be too much.

[00:18:53]>> And this is where I think the four-fold way can also be really helpful is if we show up and pay attention.

[00:18:59]>> Again, truth without judgment. If we just go, okay, showing up means like, okay, I'm here for this example. Paying attention, I'm noticing I I could be angry. I do not want to be angry but I have a lot of anger and I also notice I am afraid of having that anger. Okay, can we tell the truth without judgment?

[00:19:20]What is your truth about why you're so afraid of it? Nervous about it? What is it meaning to you? Right? What are you telling yourself might happen if you if you have it? Well, I won't ever stop or other people aren't going to like it.

[00:19:33]Okay, that sounds like you're making an assumption about it, right? Can we back it up? What is the truth though? instead and it and let's not be attached to the result like you have the feeling.

[00:19:44]>> Not being attached to the result. Yes, >> you have the feeling. Is it okay to have the feeling regardless or are you trying to create an outcome? Like are you trying to say, well, I want the outcome to be here. I want my anger to look like it has a bow on it. And so, you know, do you need to do a certain thing in feeling that anger that you don't know how to do because the anger's too much?

[00:20:05]It's like what are you creating?

[00:20:06]>> My anger usually has to do with injustice.

[00:20:09]So, I want justice at the end of it, but I'm not gonna get it.

[00:20:12]>> Okay. So, then we go, it's okay to want it.

[00:20:16]>> Oh, okay. Right. Why wouldn't we want justice right at the end of it?

[00:20:20]>> And we also might not get it.

[00:20:22]>> Yeah.

[00:20:22]>> Is that okay?

[00:20:23]>> It has to be because I don't I mean, it's you're not going to get it.

[00:20:27]>> Well, we don't know. Maybe. I hope. But also, either way, does that need to in does the outcome have to inform what you get to do? because you're noticing something come up that you're wanting to engage with or you're wanting to express or that you're stifled by and you're suffering because you think >> outcome, you know, it's like when we lock ourselves into an outcome, we totally miss out on the experience that we're actually able to have.

[00:20:54]>> Oh, so just experience the anger >> and know that we have a right to feel angry >> or experience the fear of experiencing it.

[00:21:04]>> You don't have to dive into it immediately. It's okay to not be ready.

[00:21:07]>> Be aware of it. Yeah.

[00:21:09]>> Yeah. Name you're not ready. Don't have judgment about the fact that you're not ready. It's okay.

[00:21:14]>> That is okay.

[00:21:15]>> We need some more softness there.

[00:21:16]>> Yeah.

[00:21:17]>> Yeah.

[00:21:18]>> Oh, wow. Oh, that's good. Abby. Yes. So, I have this thing about being so kind to strangers and people you meet on the street, which I think is healthy and I think is good and I think we should be spreading kind spreading kindness. But why can't we be that kind to ourselves as well?

[00:21:39]>> Like how do we turn that kindness that we give to others onto ourselves?

[00:21:45]>> Why is it easier to be kinder to stranger that than it is to ourselves?

[00:21:49]>> I would say first it's strangers. We don't have as much skin in the game.

[00:21:54]>> For ourselves, we are quite literally the only ones responsible. Like at the end of the day, it's on us what we choose to do. We get advice, other people support us, but we are our own living with ourselves.

[00:22:09]>> So, that's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of responsibility. And I think there's a lot of self-p protection and fear that tends to go into people's lack of kindness towards self. Like, it's easier to be nice to somebody sometimes because, well, whatever their outcome is, it's okay. You just gave your kindness for free. You're not responsible for who they become or what they do with it or how other people see them. But you you will be seen as okay and you did something that you align with. Kindness to self is like but what am I gonna miss if I'm not hard and I'm not a disciplinarian to myself. Like am I I going to just I'm going to get a big ego if I'm too nice to myself.

[00:22:45]>> Yeah. I'm either going to get a big ego or I'm going to like eat too much or I'm going to like forget to run. I'm going to forget to do these things that keep me in check. You know, there's this fear of if I'm nice to myself. But that also I have to say is based off of the societal idea that kindness to yourself means like >> you're selfish >> forgiving and gluttonous and it's like >> kindness doesn't mean giving yourself anything everything. Kindness sometimes is boundaries. Kindness sometimes is like responsibility. It's about how do we take care of ourselves with the same energy that we're extending kindness to strangers.

[00:23:20]>> Does that make sense?

[00:23:21]>> Yes. It makes a lot of sense. Yeah. And I don't I don't think that makes you more egotistical to just say or do or be nice to yourself like saying nice things about yourself, you know, doing nice things for yourself. That doesn't >> you feel egotist like >> Yes. I feel if I'm I feel like I'm being selfish if I if I give myself a break.

[00:23:41]Um >> which would mean >> which would mean um like if I give myself a pat on the back for how hard I work. It's like yeah, but you could work harder. Don't, you know, don't get, you know, don't get soft. Don't, you know, you could always do better. You can always do better. Of course, >> mutually exclusive.

[00:23:57]>> Exactly. We don't, we can always do better, but we can also be really happy with where we are right now.

[00:24:03]>> Yeah. Also, sometimes I couldn't have done better. Right.

[00:24:06]>> Sometimes I did great. I If you think I could have done better, maybe on a different day, I did the best I felt like doing on that day. And I think that's a huge thing to remember because I know that just me two years ago would not recognize the me I am today.

[00:24:21]>> And I think we don't even give ourselves enough credit because God forbid we should >> on how far we've come and this and the because the growth is not noticeable because we're living with ourselves all the time.

[00:24:34]>> Right. Right. Right.

[00:24:34]>> So I think not checking in.

[00:24:36]>> Right. But I think for me and I and I would really encourage people to do this is journaling has been a really great way for me to see where I am in life.

[00:24:45]You know, by looking back at my journals and going, "Holy crap, I was going through something back then and I'm I would totally do that differently now."

[00:24:54]Because when you know better, you do do better. Totally believe that.

[00:24:59]>> I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. Look at all that flavor we packed into chicken breast. Love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering where's my show. This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno popper. Oh my god, it's so good.

[00:25:19]>> Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Nal Val's Cooking. Guess what we're going to make right now?

[00:25:27]>> We're live. Hi, everybody. How are you?

[00:25:29]>> You have to go to Valerie's place.

[00:25:31]That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh yes, I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again.

[00:25:42]>> I'm dancing. That's how good it is.

[00:25:43]>> So, head to valerysplace.com and go ahead and sign up.

[00:25:46]>> You guys are the original members and I can't thank you enough.

[00:25:49]>> It's happy time.

[00:25:55]>> Okay, so we sort of touched on this. Why do some of us brace for something bad the minute things feel like they start going well?

[00:26:04]>> Mhm.

[00:26:04]>> Why can't we just enjoy the moment of it going well without going, "Oh, why? Why? What is that?"

[00:26:12]>> ooh, that little black cloud behind us that does that.

[00:26:15]>> It's so hard. There's a very funny um uh meme of uh what's his name? Steve Carell in the office where he's sitting at a desk and it's this like saying of God it would really suck to be depressed right now wouldn't it? And then it's like oh god like you then when you notice like it's not there you're like oh this is great cuz it's not here and it could be here and when it's here it feels like this and it's like don't think of slipping back into it. Um, it's so hard. I think so often we actually don't realize in the moment, right, that we're in a good place. And so if we're not noticing it, it's easy to lose it.

[00:26:55]>> Um, >> but we want to still stay intentional and recognize it because I think it is good for us to recognize when we're feeling gratitude, when we're feeling joy, it's good. And if we can and if we can do it without like moving it out of our plate for ourel >> and but I think it's all the whole thing is just like every nothing lasts forever. The bad [ __ ] doesn't last forever and the good [ __ ] >> this is it though. This is the answer >> right >> because we're afraid it's going to go >> because it will.

[00:27:25]>> It will.

[00:27:25]>> So just get used to it. is to just enjoy the moment right now and stop thinking about what's going to happen but to prevent we don't and we may not prevent ourselves from doing it but we can also go okay yeah so that's probably going to happen but you know what right now I feel really good >> and you can use that also when you go this feels this horrible feeling is never going to end this really really [ __ ] sucks and I don't feel like it's ever going to get better and you know what it will >> it always does notice or not. It always does.

[00:27:59]>> This is again showing up and paying attention. If you can notice when you're feeling good, when something went well >> and whether you have that next fear of like gh it's going to leave or you know worrying about the future.

[00:28:13]>> If you can notice that you are worrying, that's where we need to not be attached to the outcome again, right? To be able to go, oh, this feels so nice.

[00:28:22]>> Oh, I'm noticing I'm starting to get nervous about it. Mhm.

[00:28:25]>> Okay. Let me continue to back up in myself and go, "Okay, I'm going to just be with myself. I'm going to show up and pay attention to the feeling. I'm not going to judge it. I'm not going to get attached to that being true. I'm not going to say, "Oh, I'm doing that thing that I'm not supposed to do. I am just going to be with it and say, "Wow, I'm having a lot of feelings come up."

[00:28:44]Again, no judgment. Having a lot of feelings come up about the idea that this might not be here.

[00:28:49]>> Right.

[00:28:50]>> And that's like grieving ahead of time.

[00:28:52]But also if we can know that that like what you just said it happens then it goes away but it didn't go away entirely. You had the experience and you still get to say you had that experience about it.

[00:29:03]>> Right. Exactly. So how do you use those?

[00:29:06]Don't forget them and don't fear the loss of them. Like >> use them so that the hard times don't have to be as hard.

[00:29:13]>> Exactly.

[00:29:13]>> So that you can remember what also happened and what can happen again. What will inevitably happen again if you make room for it. And I can go back to the worst year of my life in 2024 and I can go back to and now you know what I think about when I think about the worst year of I think about all the pockets of joy.

[00:29:28]I don't think about the shitty parts even though it was 90% shitty. I still I hold on to all of the parts that were like, "Oh, that was great.

[00:29:38]>> That was great. Oh, that was great."

[00:29:39]Standing in the audience and watching Wolf. Oh, that was great. Just being on an airplane and reading being able to read a book knowing I was going to my favorite job. You know, just I >> And that's like treat. So what you're talking about too is so important.

[00:29:50]Treating yourself and it's like you even recounting all of this is an example of exactly what we're talking about that I hope more people can do for themselves is you met your tough times with some self-care actions. What feels good to me? Going and sitting and listening to Wolfie.

[00:30:08]>> So now your hard year is still filled with so many good times and good memories instead of just how hard it was. And we all have the power to take the time to do a little thing that helped you, >> that felt good in that moment. Even if you were going to leave 5 minutes later and feel shitty, like you did something that that really carried forward.

[00:30:26]>> Mhm. And you can there's no small action.

[00:30:29]>> Yeah, that's so true. And you can train your brain to focus on the positive things that happened and not the negative things because you know what?

[00:30:39]You got through the negative [ __ ] You're on the other side of it. You will always I promise you you will always get on the other side of the negative [ __ ] >> Yeah.

[00:30:47]>> But you can you can hold on to the positive stuff that happened while the negative [ __ ] was happening as well.

[00:30:52]>> Totally. And I would also say that focusing on the negative [ __ ] When we're trying to focus on something, I would say we're clinging to it. That's how I like to talk about it. Um it's a Buddhist way of talking about it. But we're clinging to it. We're keeping it.

[00:31:06]We're not actually letting it be anything other than what it is, which is something we're saying we don't like. If we're clinging to all of this horrible trauma and shitty stuff that happens on a day-to-day basis or even just all of the injustices in the world, we are attaching ourselves to an outcome because we're saying if I let go of this, it might be bad. If I let go of this, what's going to happen? If I let go of this, who's going to do it? Right?

[00:31:28]That we're burdened by that responsibility again or that idea that yeah, it's like what whatever's going to happen isn't happen. You're going to have more room to do something about it if you do let go.

[00:31:36]>> Right? So again, think about a closed fist, how it just doesn't do anything when you're holding on to something. But if you just relax, it's just you can feel it.

[00:31:46]>> Yeah, >> you can feel it. And we all have the power to change our minds that it's so powerful. We have the power to change our minds. I'm going to focus on the good stuff that happened without being and people talk about it being, you know, this >> um psychologically or a psychopathically positive or what I forget what people call it, >> but it's positive psychology.

[00:32:10]>> Yeah. But it's like >> toxic positivity.

[00:32:12]>> Toxic positivity. I don't think there's anything toxic about being positive.

[00:32:16]>> I don't understand that. I feel like it's for someone who's like polyiana and just obnoxious >> and >> you know like someone who's just always >> and never sees the bad in anything and never sees the lesson skit.

[00:32:28]>> Oh, >> isn't there an kind of like in a positive way? Um >> yeah, I mean toxic positivity if somebody is like uh always oneupping something. Oh yeah, right. It's like okay, we get it. We don't always have to. I think again toxic positivity can come from a fear of the negative or of an attachment to a story about that.

[00:32:48]Like an idea that if I'm like I can't be positive or move away from what I don't like unless I'm overly grateful. If I'm like trying to force this narrative like I have to fit that narrative. I don't know. Like >> No, no. you. Yeah, it's a very good point because I think there's the toxic positivity that I think about is when someone comes to you with a problem and you say, "Well, yeah, but at least you didn't this, you know, at least it wasn't this bad. At least it wasn't as bad as such and such." And it's like, you know what? Sometimes people just want to be heard for how shitty something happened. And it's you don't have to compare heartbreaks. There's no comparison. Like, we all go through our stuff. But I think being positive and focusing on the positive while still acknowledging that hard [ __ ] happens is okay. I actually think sometimes or maybe all the time like we have to. That is the human experience. It's not positive all the time. Even if we're living in the positive like we're we're a glass half full which I'm not always personally but >> it depends on the day for me >> you know. Exactly. and as it should. But >> yeah, >> if we're not trying to like force ourselves over here, >> it all exists.

[00:34:04]>> I think that's what toxic positivity is is you're trying to force positivity when you just need to feel the real feeling of what's happening. And if it's uncomfortable, feel it cuz it it will pass.

[00:34:15]>> All of them will pass. The one of the things that I'd say is the most tragic is a hard word to use here. me maybe the most um biggest hindrance to recovery when I'm working with clients with eating disorders is this positive front that they try to present or this like they they are clearly masking a lot of pain and shame and fear but they try to celebrate the positives in this way that is like it's overkill and it's completely missing the mark and it feels so desperate like please see me over here and not over here as if acknowledging what isn't going well is going to like shatter their tower and make them so unlikable and just ruin everything.

[00:35:05]Positivity doesn't have to take us away from the rest. And positivity doesn't save us from what you're walking into the room with. That baggage is felt. It is seen.

[00:35:15]>> You carry it. It's going to impact you no matter how much you're trying to force everyone's eyes over here.

[00:35:21]That's so good that you touched on this because I know that sometimes because of the job that I do, I have to put a mask on when things are really really hard for me and when there's really hard thing like I had to put a mask on most of 2024 and pretend that none of what was happening what was happening because I needed to live my life. I needed to get my cats and my dog fed. I needed to get the litter boxes cleaned. I needed to get to my job. I needed to get to airports and airplanes on time. I needed to still walk through my life.

[00:35:50]>> And so I would put a smile on my face and it hurt sometimes put that smile on my face. Um and sometimes I ended up in Drew's dressing room crying because I couldn't smile anymore. But um I I there's where's that fine line of putting the mask on because you have to get your day done. Yeah.

[00:36:08]>> And then also knowing this really is hard and I'm sad and I don't know how to deal with this sometimes. like like just acknowledging that you're you're working through what you're working through and just trying to show up for the people that paid you to show up, but then also trying to show up for yourself because you're in so much pain.

[00:36:29]>> Such a good question. It's so that's so hard. It's >> And you deal with that with a lot of your >> how to I mean how to >> cuz we're doing it.

[00:36:40]>> Exactly.

[00:36:41]>> People are doing it. So, how how do we make >> space to also not attack people doing it? Sometimes people do it in a gross way if we're going to be honest. Like sometimes it's just obnoxious.

[00:36:54]>> Sometimes like what you're talking about, it is functional and you're aware of it. It's an authentic presentation.

[00:36:59]You're not being fake when you go out with Drew at the end of that, right? You can sit in her dressing room.

[00:37:03]>> Whoa, whoa, you're [ __ ] blowing my mind. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[00:37:06]>> Mhm.

[00:37:06]>> Because I'm always searching for authenticity. I don't know that we ever find it because I don't know that we ever really know ourselves enough to be authentic. I don't know. But but you because and especially because I feel like well I'm wearing a mask so I can't be very authentic.

[00:37:20]>> So explain that again for me.

[00:37:22]>> Yes. You're authentically wearing the mask. It's conscious. It's intentional.

[00:37:26]It's deliberate. It's not to present a false narrative. It's for the sake of what you're there to do.

[00:37:33]>> Oh wow. There wasn't like nobody's there. I mean, they might hear me [ __ ] cry, you know?

[00:37:40]But not for the reasons that you want someone to want to. And it's also not it's not the place. You deserve to have a place where you don't have to cry when you're crying at home, right? We all need balance in our lives.

[00:37:51]>> Just because we're crying a lot or going through something really hard doesn't mean we need to carry that hard into every single scenario of our day, right?

[00:38:00]We are dimensional dynamic creatures.

[00:38:03]We're able to do more than that and we always are more than that again.

[00:38:08]>> Oh my god. Does it mean I'm a multitasker?

[00:38:11]>> Naturally. I mean, you've got a book sitting here. You're doing a podcast.

[00:38:14]>> Multitasker.

[00:38:16]>> You're the biggest multitasker. Look at how many things you're doing. And rescuing cats.

[00:38:21]>> Oh my god. How? Wait, you're blowing my mind, Abby. I I think I'm like the worst.

[00:38:26]>> What mom isn't a multitasker?

[00:38:28]>> Yeah, you're right. Oh my god, you're right. Because I think I'm the worst [ __ ] multitasker in the world and I hate multitasking.

[00:38:35]>> Oh, >> I like to just be focused on nothing if truth be told, you know. Or I just want to sit and read my book and love my book or I just want to >> Well, you can be present and also >> I don't know maybe something's in the oven at the same time that you're >> reading. That's true. Yeah. I can have something in the and just sit and read a book that I'm loving at the moment.

[00:38:57]Okay.

[00:38:57]>> Yeah. I mean, there are certainly different degrees of being a multitasker and or watching a movie and >> Yeah. and talking on the phone to someone you love. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[00:39:07]>> Okay. Um, wait, I want to I really do want to get to this because I think this sort of goes into it because we we were talking about being disconnected and I thought I was being disconnected. You're telling me that I'm being authentic with the mask, >> which is fascinating to me. So, how does being disconnected from ourselves show up around food, body image, or self-care?

[00:39:28]So because I think we do have to disconnect to um when in I can only speak for myself when I have abused food in the past and abused food sounds weird but I haven't used food just to nourish my body. I've used it to numb or not want to feel my feelings. That's what I think when I think I abuse food or I call food good or bad which food is not good or bad. It's just a thing that nourishes your body. So w we do have to disconnect from ourselves around food, body image or self-care. So how how do we get those planes aligned?

[00:40:04]>> When you say disconnect, what do you mean? I mean, disconnecting from shoveling something in my mouth because I don't want to think about the feeling that I'm feeling right now or um not wanting to like go outside and do my key jong keyong, you know, exercises in the morning because I'm just I'm tired and I don't feel like doing it, you know? So, talking myself out of my self-care, which is a great way for me to start the morning going outside >> with my dog and seeing the sunrise and just like doing my stuff. Mhm.

[00:40:34]>> But sometimes I don't do it because I'm like, I'm I'm not I'm not in the mood for it. Or talking myself into um loving this body that I have right now, you know, >> wrinkles and and sags and flappy arms and a body that if you had shown this to me 40 years ago, I would be like, I'm going to look like that. Oh my god. And now I'm like, yeah, this is what I look like because I'm 65 and isn't it [ __ ] great? M >> but like I feel like as I say that I feel like I'm [ __ ] with my head. Like Valerie, you don't really love these flabby arms. And if you if you really wanted to have another [ __ ] surgery, you would have your deck pulled back.

[00:41:14]But you know, but I I'm not going to go under again. So I like I think I'm talking myself into I'm disconnected from how I actually feel by talking myself into loving this body right now.

[00:41:25]>> I think two things can be true. You might want the experience of your body to be a certain way. Like there's this idealized version or >> like I want to be able to have the body I had at 20 and appreciate it this time cuz I certainly didn't appreciate it then.

[00:41:40]>> Sure. Absolutely. But I think then it's like okay so are you appreciating it now?

[00:41:44]>> I feel like I am when I can climb the stairs and my knees don't hurt and I can run down the stairs with my dog. My dog has three legs now and she's getting around just fine. Like I so appreciate this body.

[00:41:55]>> Yeah. Yeah. So, that can be true. And maybe you would prefer some sort of cosmetic something or other, but >> I would like my neck to not look like a turkey neck.

[00:42:04]>> Sure. And that doesn't mean you don't love it.

[00:42:06]>> Yeah.

[00:42:06]>> You can still have love for it and care for it and be like, "Oh, but it's mine and I understand the story." It's like, >> you know, if you see your your kid after they've done something bad, I mean, Wolfie is probably perfect, right? Um, so he's well he was a, you know, he didn't have the terrible twos, but he did have the like, oh my god, these threes are hard. Like he was hard to look at him the next day though and go all how hard you were yesterday or like that thing you broke or No, >> you might go I wish he didn't do that and >> I love him so much.

[00:42:39]>> Yeah, >> that's how we can be with OUR BODY.

[00:42:42]>> YEAH. OH.

[00:42:44]OH MY GOD. YES.

[00:42:47]If we treat our bodies the way we treat our children who we love unconditionally. Oh my god.

[00:42:54]>> Or our animals. If you're an animal person, that animal has definitely peed or pooped somewhere they were not supposed to do it.

[00:43:01]>> I have pee. I should buy stock in pea pads.

[00:43:04]>> I mean, my dog bit you.

[00:43:06]>> I know, but he was so cute. She would he she she Yes. She was old, too, though, you know. And my cat my own cats have bitten me, you know. I still have scars.

[00:43:15]They're animals. We're humans. We're not supposed to own them for real. So like Yeah.

[00:43:19]>> But at the same time, we're going to love them.

[00:43:21]>> Yeah.

[00:43:22]>> We're We're seeing past that. They're not defining it. Would we say, "Hey, I would love if my dog never bit anyone."

[00:43:28]Yes.

[00:43:29]>> Yeah.

[00:43:29]>> I'm not going to >> Would I love if my cats would stop spraying? Hell yeah. I still love them.

[00:43:34]I'm not going to like They're not going anywhere.

[00:43:36]>> Exactly.

[00:43:37]>> Okay. So So that's >> my turkey neck isn't going anywhere. So am I going to love it? I have no choice.

[00:43:42]I have to love it.

[00:43:42]>> Well, why not?

[00:43:44]Why not? Why not? Why shouldn't I love my turkey neck?

[00:43:47]>> It doesn't mean you love a turkey neck.

[00:43:51]>> But when you put my in front of it, you know, >> it does make a difference.

[00:43:56]>> It does make a difference. I'm not fond of turkey. Well, turkeys are kind of cute in their ugly way, though.

[00:44:01]>> They're do love a good turkey.

[00:44:03]>> I don't want to eat them, though, cuz their their meat is terrible. Enough about turkeys and turkey necks. Let's just um I just want you guys to stick around. If if you would like to see the full reveal, we do have that coming up, but you have got to be a Valerie'splace member. So, if you want to go to valerysplace.com and sign up, you can get the full reveal. You can also get an early edition of this podcast and all the podcasts. You can get them earlier.

[00:44:26]So, um, go sign up at valeriesplace.com and you can watch the full reveal coming up.

[00:44:33]I have a really fun recipe for you today. You saw how easy that was. Look at all that flavor we packed into chicken breast. I just love the flavor of maple syrup, especially for these kind of muffins. I see all of your comments. I swear I do. You are wondering where's my show. This is so dang delicious. Smells divine. That's a jalapeno popper. Oh my god, it's so good.

[00:44:53]>> Yes, I'm back and I am cooking for all of you. All right, Sophie, what are we reheating today? Welcome to Now Val's Cooking. Guess what we're going to make right now?

[00:45:02]>> We're live. Hi, everybody. How are you?

[00:45:04]>> You have to go to Valerie's place.

[00:45:05]That's where you can see our book group, this podcast. That's where you can go for all the cooking that you want to see. Oh, yes. I've missed cooking for you. I'm glad I finally get to do it again.

[00:45:16]>> I'm dancing. That's how good it is.

[00:45:18]>> So, head to valerysplace.com and go ahead and sign up.

[00:45:20]>> You guys are the original members and I can't thank you enough. It's happy time.