Maybe Emotional Expression Isn't the Answer.

Added: 2026-05-20

[00:00:00]Let me start by saying thank you to everybody who watched and subscribed from the John DeLorean breakdown video that I put up just yesterday. I woke up this morning and it was getting tons of views. Anytime a video can get as many views as a channel has subscribers, that's a really good video. This one did it in about 24 hours. So, thank you all tremendously for that. Go watch it if you haven't already. I was curious a couple of days ago about men's and women's handling of emotions during marriage and relationship conflict, which led me to a study that I wanted to discuss here in just a moment.

[00:00:32]But, as part of my curiosity, I also started to think more about social expectations that we have for men and women when it comes to emotional expression.

[00:00:40]So, I'll start with that and then the research that I mentioned, followed by what it all means for men who are married or in relationships and emotions during conflict. Now, I'll go pretty quickly through some of the social and cultural messages that men are getting when it comes to being emotional and expressing themselves without a whole lot of cited sources because this is one of those topics that's very well established.

[00:01:03]As we've been made aware for generations, according to women and society, men need to be more emotionally expressive because it increases their physical health, their mental health, leads to better marriage outcomes, more positive relationships with their children, better jobs, everything else, right?

[00:01:21]Overall, it just makes them great guys.

[00:01:23]What's blasted across headlines, chat groups, and counseling websites is share feelings, open up, be vulnerable, and display empathy. All the good stuff.

[00:01:34]What they really mean when they say that men need to be more emotionally expressive is crying, sharing positive feelings, having empathy, and talking about their fears and insecurities.

[00:01:47]These are the emotions from the good list that society uses to define men as more open, more likable, less threatening, and basically easier to tolerate. Sadness, if it's soft and not accusatory, warmth, affection, gratitude, friendliness, reassurance, emotional availability, connection seeking. Those are all the emotional expression that society wants to see from men.

[00:02:12]But what happens when men do express those emotions that women want?

[00:02:15]Sometimes, they come across as moody.

[00:02:19]It's not that they're so moody as that in our society, that's how they learn to escape. And make no mistake, when you're a highly sensitive person, you always need an escape. You need a safe place.

[00:02:33]You need a space, a downtime. You're usually an introvert. And because you're an introvert, it means you get overwhelmed with outside stimulation.

[00:02:43]When we refer to a beta male, we don't refer to an insult cuz some people do.

[00:02:48]Uh the two men in our group did. And but we we refer to somebody who is more not more sensitive than alpha males. More And when I sensitive, I mean sensitive partly to relationships. Not just sensitive like they cry all the time, you know, which they would see as negative. More sensitive to people's feelings, to relationships.

[00:03:12]>> I love your example of Barney Fife from The Andy Griffith Show. And According to these women, sensitive men need to escape.

[00:03:22]They're usually introverts and get overwhelmed by outside stimulation.

[00:03:27]They even go so far as to say that sensitive men are beta, comparing them to Barney Fife.

[00:03:34]That's right. They're beta, and betas are overly sensitive.

[00:03:38]When men are sensitive and expressive emotions, some women even feel that they have to be quote the stable one, and they don't want to do it.

[00:03:47]They don't want to feel like they're quote taking care of sensitive men.

[00:03:51]That's what happens when men express emotions that are on the good list.

[00:03:56]And what about expressing emotions that are not on women's good list?

[00:04:00]Ones like frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, irritation, distrust, disgust.

[00:04:07]Those emotions are still emotions.

[00:04:10]But those are on the bad list, and expressing those emotions gets punished.

[00:04:14]Even if women do want men to express them, men almost never do it correctly.

[00:04:19]Am I right?

[00:04:21]When men have those emotions, they are often described as aggressive, defensive, insecure, emotionally immature, or even outright unsafe.

[00:04:32]So, what to do?

[00:04:33]Men are told, be more vulnerable. But also, don't be too sensitive because I don't want to have to be the stable one in this this relationship here.

[00:04:43]They're told to express what they're feeling, but also, not like that.

[00:04:48]Not from the bad list.

[00:04:50]If you tell me that you that you're disgusted with me, that's unacceptable, and you're being mean.

[00:04:56]So, men get it from all sides. If he's reserved, he's emotionally unavailable.

[00:05:01]If he expresses emotions from the good list, he's a weak beta. If he expresses from the bad list, he's mean and insensitive to her feelings.

[00:05:12]If he expresses himself, he's criticized for it and shuts down as a result, then he's still an avoidant who bottles up his emotions.

[00:05:21]All too often, the only constant is express emotion in a way that serves other people's comfort.

[00:05:29]Now, onto the 2013 research article that I mentioned and how it relates to this topic, or at least I hope it relates well enough. It's certainly within the realm of emotional expression.

[00:05:39]The way the authors wrote up their results is pretty academic, but I'll leave the linked original source in the description here for anybody that wants to download a copy. Data for this study come from the authors' 13-year longitudinal study of long-term married heterosexual couples from the San Francisco Bay Area in California.

[00:05:58]Overall, the sample was middle-aged married couples who are predominantly white, relatively well-off, and nearly all of them had children.

[00:06:08]So, they monitored long-married couples regarding their disagreements with a purpose of understanding what happens after negative emotion emotional moments such as anger, tension, defensiveness, and contempt.

[00:06:21]Many of those bad things on the list.

[00:06:23]What happens with couples when those things arise?

[00:06:27]Their key question was how quickly spouses come back down or they cool off during or after the conflict and how that affects marriage satisfaction.

[00:06:38]Results showed that marital satisfaction was influenced by how quickly negative emotion was down-regulated during conflict. And in particular, wives' negative out emotions and behaviors. In short, women's regulation of their negative emotions, those from the bad list, during conflict matters more than even men's downgrading of their emotions.

[00:07:01]Women control how bad the argument gets and therefore marriage satisfaction over time.

[00:07:08]So, maybe it's women who need to express less emotion.

[00:07:12]Maybe they need to actually appreciate the fact that men don't express every feeling or emotion that they're feeling.

[00:07:19]Stop asking men to express all of their emotions and worry about yourselves, ladies.

[00:07:24]I don't know, guys, what do you think?

[00:07:26]Now, real quick, I would be remiss if I did not at least mention the conditioning and learned behavior here.

[00:07:31]Many men don't shut down because they lack emotions or because they don't know how to express them, but because expressing emotions from the bad list is responded to with punishment.

[00:07:44]He expresses fronts frustration. She escalates. She cries. She calls him defensive and makes his emotional expression the problem.

[00:07:53]He did it wrong. So, in turn, he learns that honesty creates consequences.

[00:07:58]So, next time he stays quiet.

[00:08:01]Then he gets accused of not expressing himself.

[00:08:04]And the cycle continues to repeat.

[00:08:07]The truth is that in many instances men shutting down is described by women as emotional avoidance or lack of emotional intelligence.

[00:08:14]But sometimes it's emotional conditioning that they themselves, women, are performing. Guys, how many times have you been told after stating that you're angry, frustrated, embarrassed, or just disappointed that you're a a crybaby, you're overly sensitive, or just outright wrong?

[00:08:31]How many passive-aggressive responses has that gotten you as well?

[00:08:35]When's the last time you expressed one of those bad list emotions to a woman and she responded with "You know what? You're right. I could have done better.

[00:08:46]I understand why you're frustrated with me and thank you for pointing that out.

[00:08:50]Thank you for expressing that to me."

[00:08:53]Or were you more likely to get responses like you're mean, demanding, insensitive, uncaring, and just an uh overall uh lacking empathy, emotional intelligence, and you're toxic?

[00:09:03]My guess is it's probably the latter.

[00:09:05]So, that's the part that people won't admit. The next time you hear somebody say that men need to be more emotionally expressive, here's what I want you to do.

[00:09:14]Ask which emotions they're talking about and what that would look like.

[00:09:18]And make them be specific.

[00:09:20]Ask them to give an example of how a man could do uh do or be better at expressing himself.

[00:09:26]My guess is that for an overwhelming majority of the time, it'll be along the lines of being more vulnerable, empathetic, reflective, more caring, and talking about his fears and insecurities, all in the name of being a better boyfriend or husband.

[00:09:42]But, if they only mention warmth warmth, softness, kindness, vulnerability, then they're not asking men to be themselves.

[00:09:51]They're asking for a carefully selected version of emotional expression that undermines his autonomy and masculinity only to appease women's feelings.

[00:10:01]As we learned from the research study, sometimes women need to just stop talking about their emotions and stop expressing their own.

[00:10:09]Because there's evidence of benefits from women's emotional restraint.

[00:10:13]But, that part of the dynamic dynamic almost never shows up in research, especially in today's feminized academics and issues related to emotions in relationships.

[00:10:22]Anyway, let's hear about your experiences and thoughts. I'll be back soon, guys, and be careful out there.