I’ve Become My Boyfriend’s Side Chick

Added: 2026-05-05

[00:00:01][music] >> How do I walk away?

[00:00:09]Um after being the other woman for probably about 2 years.

[00:00:16]Um And then and >> more about it.

[00:00:20]Okay, so Or actually, let me do this.

[00:00:22]Let me do this. Instead of I want to hear the story, but when you say it sounds like you're asking me a for for a mechanics question, but I think you're asking something way deeper.

[00:00:35]Cuz like how do you walk away? You block him on everything. You stop returning his calls and you deal with the heartbreak and the grief not only of this relationship but of the fantasy of it all and you at some level violating your own core values, which is I participated in a long-term deception. I'm going to grieve the crap out of that. I'm going to be sad.

[00:00:58]And I'm not going to the conference that contact is over.

[00:01:02]And then I'm going to be about finding my own new relationships, my new friendships, etc. Building a life that I want to live inside of my own skin within.

[00:01:10]That's that's the mechanic's side.

[00:01:12]But it sounds like you're asking me a deeper question.

[00:01:17]Um Well, all I mean I Yes, all of those things. That is I think about those things all the time.

[00:01:26]Okay. Tell me what makes this so hard.

[00:01:31]Mhm.

[00:01:32]>> [clears throat] >> Um I think if I knew the answer to that, I'd be able to do the mechanics to it.

[00:01:40]Um we have >> fair.

[00:01:41]>> [laughter] >> Uh we have been seeing each other longer than the other Well, I'm the other woman, but you know, the main woman has been there. Okay, so I'll stop I I want to interrupt as we go cuz I want to break this the story that has taken hold in you, okay? So I want you to tell me the story and I'm going to annoyingly going to going to jump in, okay?

[00:02:07]All right, so when it comes to longevity doesn't matter.

[00:02:11]>> [clears throat] >> Doesn't matter. All right, keep going.

[00:02:14]Um So we started seeing each other and it got serious pretty quickly.

[00:02:23]Um which kind of scared me, so I wasn't ready for all of that and then he decided he was going to start seeing other people.

[00:02:33]Um which then I didn't like that, but I just dealt with it and then eventually he told me that there was somebody that he was I guess more serious with and so at that point we could no longer be seen in public together and at first I did do um the mechanics of it, right? Like I'm not going to be part of this. I'm not going to participate in a lie.

[00:03:03]Uh you're dragging me into your mess.

[00:03:06]But he just won't go away ever. Okay, let me jump in.

[00:03:12]>> You won't let him go.

[00:03:15]Right. Right. No, you're right. Yes. No, you're right. I for some reason I I can't.

[00:03:24]I can't. The I Every I have contact with him every day.

[00:03:28]Every single day.

[00:03:30]Um and I just I I've tried. I have had millions of talks with myself about why I shouldn't be doing this or that it's not fair to me. It's not fair to this other person.

[00:03:51]Um you know, he's not a nice person for doing these things. Yeah. But then he'll call or he'll text or I'll see him and I'm right back in it. Like I just So Pia Melody, who's a um a famous um thinker and therapist and writer.

[00:04:15]She's the one where I was first introduced. I don't know her. She passed She's passed away. Um but she's who first introduced me to the idea of love addiction.

[00:04:28]The idea that a person because cuz here here's the definition of addiction. It is um continuing to do a behavior that you know has adverse consequences.

[00:04:40]It's not good for you.

[00:04:42]And [clears throat] yet you feel powerless and continue to do it anyway over and over and over again.

[00:04:49]And you know that this is not a good human being that you're with.

[00:04:55]You also know that this is a violation of the person you project yourself into the world to be.

[00:05:04]And yet And so what what if we looked at this fantasy, this this this this entity that happens to be a person and not a drink.

[00:05:18]What if we looked at this person as an addiction?

[00:05:24]Mhm.

[00:05:26]Cuz it it it if we change cuz right now you look at him as somebody you love and somebody you know even him better than even his own girlfriend knows and that y'all have this special bond, all of that is fantasy.

[00:05:42]Y'all don't have a special secret thing.

[00:05:44]You have a lie.

[00:05:50]And it and it and it I've known him longer. I know him deeper. I know the glance across the room and we're not supposed to be seeing each other in public. Like It feels like you've created this secret world with this person.

[00:06:04]That's that's how I define intimacy, the creation of a secret world between two people.

[00:06:09]But you don't have a secret world with this person.

[00:06:15]You're on the outside of his secret world.

[00:06:18]You're a player in his game.

[00:06:23]And so so let me ask you like why now?

[00:06:26]After 2 years, why now?

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[00:07:01]Why now?

[00:07:03]What what is this addiction? Let me ask you this. Like what is this addiction?

[00:07:07]So you may have heard me say this on the show.

[00:07:11]I don't beat people up for drinking or for struggling with sex addiction or pornography addiction because often those things are the actual solution to the real problem.

[00:07:21]So what is he solving for in your life?

[00:07:26]Uh A fear of loneliness? Shame?

[00:07:31]A fear of I'm this old and this is as good as it's going to get. All men are like this, so I might as well like What What is he solving for in your life?

[00:07:40]All of those things. Tell me about them.

[00:07:42]All of those things.

[00:07:44]Um I don't trust men.

[00:07:52]I don't trust them.

[00:07:54]Not even a little bit. Okay. Fair. At all.

[00:07:58]Um Life has taught me from a young age that they are not to be trusted. Fair. It's a lived learned experience and I'm not going to Like your body knows that is a truth.

[00:08:11]I'm not going to I'm I'm not going to fight you on that at this time, right?

[00:08:15]Like I'll accept that.

[00:08:17]You've learned over time over experience, I can't trust them.

[00:08:20]Okay. Mhm. No.

[00:08:23]Um There is a fear of loneliness.

[00:08:31]Uh that this is This is as good as it's going to get.

[00:08:38]Um not necessarily because I feel like Okay, well, there probably is part of me that feels like I'm not worthy of anything more than this. For sure. Um Here's how I know that's true. Here's how I know that's true.

[00:08:58]You told me that you didn't want this and you didn't need this and you weren't going to be a part of this and then your exact words were um I decided to just deal with it.

[00:09:07]Mhm. I did. That's Those are the words of somebody who has learned over time that what you feel and what you want and what you believe simply doesn't count for anything.

[00:09:19]So I'm going to bury it.

[00:09:21]Mhm. Mhm.

[00:09:23]And then there's also in that same vein the fear of vulnerability.

[00:09:35]Right? So I don't want It It scares me to death to think about having to open up to someone new.

[00:09:47]Right? Like this man knows me very well and he knows everything that he knows all of my mess, all of my trash, all of my chaos, and to have to open up to someone new.

[00:10:06]There's the fear of rejection, and not being loved for who I am and what I come with.

[00:10:15]And so it's just the easier if um I have part of someone who I don't have to hide my stuff from, than to think about having somebody else in my life that to get to know someone all over again. I don't want to do that. Um And so can I sit here with you on that?

[00:10:42]I get that.

[00:10:44]I feel that, for real.

[00:10:49]And the way you just described that is 100% addicts talk.

[00:10:58]I've had that exact same conversation trying to talk to somebody about going to rehab.

[00:11:05]And they don't want to rebuild their life over again. They don't want to meet new people. They don't want to come up with new life rhythms. They just stare at the idea of going to the gym and like changing how they interact with the world, and they're like, "Dude, I can just have a drink and it all stops."

[00:11:23]And I get that. I get that.

[00:11:28]And it it it it's these moments when you have to either A, you you you have to come to the conclusion yourself that you're worth more than this.

[00:11:41]I I can't talk you into it. It's the hardest thing in the world when when you care about somebody who's struggling with addiction.

[00:11:48]It's the hardest thing in the world. I can't I can't make you look in the mirror and believe you're worth more than this.

[00:11:55]That's why they say most people have to bottom out.

[00:12:02]I just don't know that I Go ahead. I'm sorry. I just I just don't know that I can I can process any more change, any more upheaval.

[00:12:14]Um But but let's talk about it a different way.

[00:12:20]I don't know that you can carry the burden of this anymore.

[00:12:24]And so what I want to tell you is change is coming.

[00:12:30]This ends badly.

[00:12:34]This ends in heartbreak and deception, and this ends in ash. There's no way this works out in the end.

[00:12:44]And even if he calls you tomorrow and says, "I've had this big revelation, this big spiritual awakening. I've broke it off with the other woman. You're my person for life till death do us part."

[00:12:55]You would still sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life.

[00:13:01]Oh, I know that.

[00:13:02]This doesn't end well.

[00:13:04]And so hear me say, change is coming.

[00:13:08]I always tell couples like who are married, you can have the hard conversation now at your kitchen table, or you can have it in a in a divorce attorney's office, but you're going to have the conversation.

[00:13:19]And so for you, change is coming. Do you want it to be on your terms towards whatever light you want to head towards?

[00:13:28]Or do you want it to be on somebody else's terms, and pile more shame, more guilt, more exposure on this thing? You think it's vulnerable now? Wait till she finds out and puts it all over everywhere.

[00:13:43]Wait till he decides that he's sick of you, and he puts it all over everywhere.

[00:13:51]This will come to light. I would rather you be holding the flashlight when it does.

[00:13:59]Okay, so how do I I mean, if we're we're phrasing it as an addiction, which I can understand.

[00:14:11]It's it's like a it's a dopamine fix, right? But how do I >> I mean, not really, but but it it doesn't matter. Yeah.

[00:14:18]Okay, sorry. It's okay. It's okay.

[00:14:20]>> I [laughter] Well, I mean, I I I think here's the thing. You I think you just gave gave me a great insight. The the tendency here is to to make things more complex than necessary.

[00:14:32]How do I walk away? The moment you >> How do I quit?

[00:14:36]Go ahead. Sorry.

[00:14:37]>> I mean, like you have to commit to simplicity.

[00:14:45]The moment you start thinking of, "Well, where am I going to get my dopamine and oxytocin? How's that going to interact with my serotonin? I need to to and how am I going to not do this, and how can I not do that?" All of those questions are dumping variables in. It's a way that your body act feels busy without actually solving the problem.

[00:15:05]Yeah. We're going to we're going to solve for simplicity here.

[00:15:12]I'm going to for 30 days, for 60 days, I'm going to go stone sober.

[00:15:16]No contact.

[00:15:19]I can't do that.

[00:15:20]>> You can.

[00:15:20]>> with him. Do what?

[00:15:22]I work with him. Well, that just got more complicated.

[00:15:26]Yeah. And so there's every day, yeah.

[00:15:29]>> the thing.

[00:15:30]If you were an alcoholic and you worked at a bar, I would tell you you got to get a different job.

[00:15:38]This ends with you unemployed at some point anyway. You know that.

[00:15:42]Is he your boss?

[00:15:44]Mhm. Nice.

[00:15:47]This for sure ends in one or both of y'all's unemployment. You know that.

[00:15:53]This is a train that's left the station.

[00:16:05]I If he's in a position of power over you, you can go sit down with HR.

[00:16:11]You can have that conversation.

[00:16:13]A- Here's the thing.

[00:16:14]Any sort of major life change like this requires major life change.

[00:16:23]And you can see him for a period of time.

[00:16:30]And you don't have to text him. You don't have to return his calls. You don't have to have private conversations in the hallway.

[00:16:40]And since this is a complicated employment issue now, I would document the heck out of those things, because if and when he moves to fire you or to get you moved or demoted, you'll have these things written down and say, "My boss carried on a secret sexual relationship with me for 2 years, and I felt trapped and stuck."

[00:17:02]That day's coming is what I'm trying to tell you.

[00:17:07]Get the all the firewood and the coats and stuff you need.

[00:17:14]But when you tell yourself already, "I can't," that tells me you're not ready.

[00:17:22]Because the folks I I I meet with regularly who are struggling with addiction say, "I have to.

[00:17:28]It's time."