Avoidants RUN From The Ones They LOVE And FEEL Strongest About

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:00]One of the most confusing things that happens if you've been with somebody who is avoidant is that the connection was often really good.

[00:00:08]You felt it, and you know they felt it.

[00:00:11]There was something special about you two being together.

[00:00:16]And yet, they still pulled away. They still shut down. They still said they couldn't do it. Maybe they started acting differently. Maybe they started texting back slower. Or worse, they just ghosted you. Or just suddenly said, "I can't do this anymore." Whatever they did just felt in complete conflict to the way the connection felt. You felt it in your bones. There was something really good. And so to you, it was so worth fighting for. No matter what the obstacle was, you felt it was worth overcoming together. So why didn't they?

[00:00:54]This is the question that really gets to people. And this is what keeps people hooked for such long time. Because it feels very confusing to have felt so special and to be in that connection with somebody, and then why didn't they fight for you? It makes you think that you weren't enough. It makes you think that maybe you got it wrong. It's very confusing, and you're not crazy for thinking that. But the thing is with avoidance, and this is is again another reason why it's confusing for people is that people who are avoidant often get most triggered with the person they feel the most with because they're not used to feeling that much. They're not used to allowing themselves to be softer, to be seen. And as a relationship progresses, they start to fear that those feelings of, "Oh no, this person's going to see me at my worst. This person's going to see me when I'm not the way that I want to be. This person's going to see me when I get stressed. Or this is requiring a lot of me because of their own ideas of relationships and what they think that means, and often it's a lot of responsibility to them, and they feel like they're going to be engulfed by it. And so, when they fear the rejection of someone that they really deeply care about and maybe even love, that's when often these behavioral coping mechanisms start coming up, and their feelings can just shut down.

[00:02:23]And so, this can be confusing because then it makes you think, "Oh, well, then if I just make them feel safe enough, if I just try and show them that actually we can work through this, we can talk about it, whatever this feeling is, we can overcome it together." That then pushes them them away even more because they start feeling like you're wanting something from them, requiring something from them, needing them to be different. And that makes them remember that sense of I'm responsible for something, and I might mess it up. Like maybe they had the experience of that in their childhood, maybe they they became their parents' caregiver or something, or you know, they started feeling more responsible in a family system where parents or their caregivers were not being responsible, being the responsible adults, so they start to feel responsible for the adults is often the case, but there's many situations and reasons why somebody might feel like the way I am might impact somebody in a way that would eventually lead me to being shamed or rejected. So, they start feeling those feelings of "Oh, get out, shut down, move away. Have your own autonomy cuz that's the only place you're going to be safe." And that's why they they want that autonomy again, and that's how they get back their regulation. So, they regulate that way by pulling away.

[00:03:44]They are disappointed with this themselves, and they want to feel better. They want to be able to have closeness, but they just don't know how because they don't know how to regulate in a relationship like that. But remember, as I've said in like so many videos, that this connection that you had, yes, it is special. Yes, it was special. Yes, this person is special to you and you are special to them. But unless this person is actually going to work on this, it is very useless to you.

[00:04:12]And I think it's really important for you to be able to see within yourself you can love someone and also be able to see that that might not work for you.

[00:04:22]Right? The only way that it would work is if they go, "I can't believe I've done this again. I need to go to therapy. I need to learn about this. I want to make this work. I want to overcome this. I want to overcome this feeling that's blocking me.

[00:04:37]Um and I'm willing to do it with you."

[00:04:39]And that has to come from them, not you.

[00:04:42]And you can't convince them. And it's one of the the massive mistakes that people make is they try to convince the other person that you can overcome it together. Read this Look at this video.

[00:04:52]It explains everything. And that makes them feel even more like they um are being required of, that you need something from them, that they've got to change, that they're not okay as they are, right?

[00:05:05]So, it's a bit of a mindfuck, really, because actually it does require them to look at themselves and to do something differently, but they have to want to do it. They have to take radical responsibility. But so do you because you But if you don't catch yourself in the process of this, you will find yourself leaving yourself for them, and that's your pattern.

[00:05:27]Yeah? And like I said in a recent video, it's micro moments this that this happens in. Tiny little moments where you think, "Hmm, that was weird."

[00:05:35]Yeah, I didn't I'm Never mind, cuz most of the connection is good. It's It's It's not worth me bringing it up over, right? And you you don't want to rock the boat. And all of these little micro moments add up to a place where you you don't feel like yourself anymore. You don't feel loved and you're trying to be loved by someone who's pulling away and that doesn't work. That's the self-abandonment trap that people get into.

[00:05:59]Um and there is a way out of it and it is all about reconnecting back to yourself. This is what I help my clients do. It's about looking at not only ways to practically um get back to yourself, but also looking at the beliefs about love and relationships that led you to that place of self-abandonment in the first place. Same for you and same for them. If you really want this relationship with this person to work, you have to work on your stuff. You have to work on that, not them for their stuff because they can't do that um unless they really want to, yeah? But you can start changing the moves of the dance by not chasing them, by not trying to convince them, by not over-explaining. All that does is make you feel less of yourself. And they expect you to do that, right? And also the other thing that I should say in this video as a caveat is that videos like this are in danger of keeping you in a state of limerence and I don't want you to do that, okay? Because the reality is that even if this person loves you, wants wants to make something work with you. If By the way, if they wanted to make it work with you, they would tell you about that and then they'd do it.

[00:07:14]So, if they want to make if they wanted to, they would. I think it's a very good quote to remember. Um but the thing is that um even if you have this idea, yes, they love me, they they want to be with me, um it doesn't matter. If love isn't enough, honestly. Love is not enough. And it and you actually need more than someone saying that they love you um um, to make a relationship work.

[00:07:42]Loads of people love you, but it takes something different to make a relationship work, doesn't it? And so, I don't want you to be in that state of limerence, which I was in for a very, very, very long, painful time.

[00:07:56]And it keeps you very, very trapped, but there's a way that you can overcome it, like I say, by saying to yourself, "Yeah, I do love this person. I deeply care about this person. I love our relationship, but I can see that this will not work." Both things can be true at the same time. You get to keep the love. You get to send this person loving energy, send this person hope, well wishes, hope the best for them.

[00:08:26]Send them the love that they need, but don't put yourself in a position where you have to leave yourself in order to stay in connection with that person, cuz if they're going to be in your life, they will meet you where you are. It's like I said in my last video, you create your garden.

[00:08:47]You create your world.

[00:08:49]The butterflies who are meant to be there will land in your world, okay? And that's what you have to focus on. And you have to trust that if that butterfly, no matter how beautiful it might be to you, is supposed to be in your world, it will come.

[00:09:03]And if not, then it won't. And that's okay. It shows you the truth about life and connection, you know?

[00:09:11]So, I know this is hard. I have been through this, as you've seen on my journey, and you'll you'll be able to see if you you're new here in my videos.

[00:09:20]You know, it's really painful. I was stuck there for a very, very long time, and I'm out of it now, and I'm in such more grounded place, and actually it's true that when you start connecting back to yourself, even that ex that you never thought would come back could come back, but you will be in a much better place to be able to judge if the urgency that you felt before was really just fear. Or was it you? You don't know until you're actually more connection more in connection with yourself, and that's what I help my clients with. So, if you'd like any help or if you'd like to come to the living room, you can find out all the links uh all the information in the links below, and I'd love to see you there.