Day 140 – The Isolation Year 7PM

Added: 2026-06-02

[00:03:35]You know, you know, Oh, baby.

[00:04:17]Oh, that's hot.

[00:04:56]Hot in this mofo.

[00:05:07]For some reason, I feel like I'm freezing my ass off. I'm like freezing my ass off above the water and frying balls underneath the the water. What's up with that?

[00:05:21]Well, I don't know if anybody's going to watch today cuz I did not advertise it and it has been dead today. It's actually been dead this whole week.

[00:05:32]Like, there's times I see one person in here.

[00:05:35]I mean dead dead.

[00:05:41]And so I'm going to talk for just a little for just a few minutes and just see if anybody uh shows up. This is the isolation year, the hard part. Um where I talk about my mental health, which today has the potential of being more of a doozy than normal.

[00:06:01]Um, got a little bit more uh a little bit more going on than normal because I had this little bit of a a back problem this week.

[00:06:34]So, anyways, I'll start talking a little bit. So, if you just if you just got in here today and you haven't been around this week, this week I had a bit of a problem with my back. Like, I was just taking a leak and all of a sudden my back started. It wasn't like a oh my back. It was like my back spasomed. It was like it felt like somebody run their fingers up my back. Didn't necessarily hurt, but it was like, whoa, that was weird. And then by the time I made it from the toilet to the inside of the bedroom, my back was locked up. I mean, it was extremely painful to move and to uh well, just to get up and down and stuff.

[00:07:27]It just was real tight. Real tight. I I've never experienced that before.

[00:07:32]And so I talked to my wife. I talked to to coach and you know there was no getting out of bed. I was it was rough like and so I spent two and a half days just laying there. And then easy days the next couple. And I'm still kind of still having that same issue like uh you know how you you have a problem and you're like you know how you have a a problem and you're like you you know that you're feeling like you're getting better but any little movement you can tell is going to throw you right into it. That's how basically my back feels. It just kind of feels like, you know, I can feel that it it could get bad at any second, but I need to just start working out again and >> see how it goes. But my left arm's got me to the my left arm's got me to the point where I'm uh like real nervous cuz my left arm has been like a month or month and a half and it's still like it's it feels like it's about 90% back to normal. But that one% of work could put me in a tail spin again. Uh I don't love that feeling.

[00:09:00]And so then, >> so this is what's been affecting my head. I cannot stand the downtime, like the not working out, not being on a regiment. Uh, it's frustrating. I feel like a fish out of water.

[00:09:16]And you know, like I've been I've been probably it's probably been the hardest week to stay in the room as I've had.

[00:09:33]I don't feel like obviously the isolation year as a uh show is not working. Uh people don't enjoy it. I'm not that great at entertaining. I I change what I do constantly because I try to change it for other people, but it's not stuff that I want to change it for. And so that that makes me not it makes it to where I don't do it it to all of my ability because I hate it. It's the same reason that I I stopped sitting there trying to force the reading.

[00:10:14]It was very apparent to me after I had I I was trying to read and I I just couldn't get into anything. And then this is what got me to the point where I was like, "Okay, I'm not going to stop trying to force myself to read." It was reading with Honey. This is what happened uh with Honey.

[00:10:37]She taught me a way to take notes uh when I was reading that made it to where I retained everything that I read.

[00:10:48]I still wasn't interested in the reading.

[00:10:51]I I remember every bit of the story that I read with her. Uh like from the beginning to the end, I remember every minute of it. I remember everything. It wasn't a particularly exciting story, but it was exciting that I was learning uh something new and I did it and realized that I don't I learn a specific way. I would rather order all this embroidery stuff. I don't love to embroider. It's not my favorite thing to do in the world, but I'd rather do that all day long than sit there and and try to force myself into reading a book.

[00:11:33]And so, I mean, that's kind of how I, you know, feel about everything. Like, I can't stand it when it's I I just been really struggling and and mentally because I'm like, what what am I doing here?

[00:11:50]I got this morning I got up and pretty much all day today I got one to four people watching and so I mean I could do all this myself without it being documented right I'm not making money so it's not because of the money it's because I'm here and and so I sit there and I I think am I doing the wrong thing being in this room.

[00:12:22]Am I done? Well, no, I'm not done. I've lost 60 lb. 62 lb and I got another 55 lbs to go. Uh somewhere in there.

[00:12:33]Somewhere in that Yeah, about 53 lb. I got about 53 lb left.

[00:12:39]Uh yeah, about 53 lbs left.

[00:12:44]Well, but just like when when my back got bad, I'm like, well, you know, like what am I doing? I'm just wasting 5 days or 4 days sitting in the bed and not working out.

[00:13:02]And people ask me like that's what people are interested in is watching me work out or or fail at working out or something like that. And if I'm not doing that, people don't come around.

[00:13:14]But then so what am I supposed to do?

[00:13:17]Like go out there and and push myself into a spot that is not what I should be doing. And so then I started thinking, well, maybe I really should get on to TRT because TRT would help me with um the injury, like the injury of my arm and the injury of my back.

[00:13:40]uh just becomes quite a bit better chance of recovery than without the TRT because mine's so low. Uh there's some things that testosterone do does for you uh in healing that you don't get um without it and and so the re the recovery process could be quite a bit better. And so I thought, well, do I do that? But that's going against what I really want to do. I mean, I I still have the the fact is is I wanted to change a lot of things about myself.

[00:14:20]I've changed my weight.

[00:14:23]Well, and I'm in quite a bit better shape. But am I smarter? No. Like, do I do more than when I'm out? No. Like, I'm not as depressed as I was. Like even right now, frustration with with what's going on in the room. Yeah, it's frustrating, but it's not depressing me. It's more like, am I doing am I am I like is the reason that this is so unpopular and why people seem like they hate me is because this is really just that I mean uninteresting and maybe I just should just go do this like a regular person. Now I did it the way that I did for a reason. And I did it because I've tried getting into shape and and things like that the the way that I am. And I am in more I'm in better shape now than I have been in years. Not just better shape, but like even my mental headsp space like sure like I'm sitting there whining about, you know, this week, but it's a different kind of wine. It's a, you know, like, okay, I got six, seven more months of this.

[00:15:49]Do I just keep on pushing through for seven more months in here where nobody's watching, nobody's paying attention, you know? Like, like I said, I'm I I had somebody tell me the other day that, well, my viewership's going to be down uh because of summer school or well, some the summer. I mean, it ain't summer everywhere. I got freaking followers from then the entire globe. It ain't summer everywhere.

[00:16:19]It's inherently boring.

[00:16:22]And I do realize like I've had in my the last couple days I'm like, well maybe maybe to make it not bother me so bad when that people don't show up is maybe I just don't interact with chat. Maybe I just do my thing and do it out here and and just stay quiet and not interact. But, you know, I've become friends with some of these people. You know, like I've been Yeah, I like interacting with chat, so that doesn't really seem like an option.

[00:16:56]Uh, I did away with the cooking show. Like whenever I do like little shows and stuff like that, I do better.

[00:17:10]Like I have more viewership and stuff like that. But at what point do you think, okay, the the concept of the isolation year failed?

[00:17:21]what I'm doing is not failing, but should I just go out and live my life and try to do this on the outside? Now, the fact is is I didn't do this on the outside. Am I just going to fall right back into bad habits? And and that's what it feels like would happen. I mean, it feels like I would like if I know myself, it feels like a failure. I leave.

[00:17:46]I leave. Feels like a failure. I go back. I go back to my old ways and then in a month I'll be back to 330 lbs or do I just keep on pushing and everything else be damned, keep on going the way that I'm going? Like I'm not going to lie, I don't want to react to chat 24/7.

[00:18:15]Uh I love chat. I like talking to chat, but it's easier to talk to chat when you want when you when you want to talk to chat.

[00:18:38]See what I Isaac says. If you think you could keep up with the habits without being in the room, I don't think anyone who really supports you would would complain. I think the algorithm has really screwed you. Yes, you could do.

[00:18:56]Yeah, I mean I definitely my algorithm sucks and uh I don't but but I do think that that's a lot me. I I basically I wake up in the morning it I don't have a lot of uh shows and stuff like like I don't have a lot of time where I just sit there and talk to to you guys you know it's more like off the cuff when I when I want to not not necessarily like I today for instance like I mean it does think that I have all this thinking I hate so much thinking because it does.

[00:19:38]Okay. So, like for instance, th this this is like what I wrote down for a typical day. Wake up at 5, which I've really hate waking up at 5. I hate it. I I would rather wake up at 7:00.

[00:19:52]wake up at 5 and then and then actually have a like I wake up and I talk about the pre previous day between 5 and 6 p.m. I'm making my drink. I'm talking to the chat telling them and I do know that that does if I sit there and have something regimented I know that it does bring in people but right after I wake up I do like to talk to my wife. I do uh 6 am treadmill walk. I need to get back on that. My toes are just about to where I'm like I had the bottom of my foot where that big calluses rip, which sucks. So, it's real tender under there.

[00:20:35]Um 7:00 a.m. breakfast and then work between 8 and 11. Uh lunch at 11:30, workout at 1:30, recover, shower, and food prep from 2:30 to 3:30. work block from 3:30 to 5. And then at 5:00 do uh Monday's work uh merch shop.

[00:21:00]Tuesday's uh community game like my charades that I do. Wednesday reading discussion.

[00:21:06]Uh Thursday product review unboxing.

[00:21:09]Friday open Q&A. Uh Saturday podcast.

[00:21:13]and then Sunday mailbox and and that way at 5:00 every day and and and I'm actually thinking about doing those things for myself to put myself in a regiment uh you know I get out of my regiment and it's just like now I feel like a fish out of water. I played the game today while I was doing merchandise and I feel guilt because not all of the followers like to watch the game but I enjoy it. It's fun for me, but I don't I I don't feel like it's good for my my regular followers.

[00:21:55]And I kind of wish that it would just be like, hey, this is the guy that's staying in his room. This is what he's doing on all day. And not sit there and worry about, hey, this is the guy in his room. He's constantly trying to figure out how to get more people to watch.

[00:22:12]I really hate that about the the year. I don't love that portion. I I would rather just do my thing and if it grows, it grows. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But my brain won't let me do that. Why?

[00:22:44]Uh yeah, I would red. Yeah, I I don't I like that's one of the things that I got going through my mind is it's it's cost so much more than I could have imagined.

[00:22:58]So much more than I could have imagined.

[00:23:00]And I'm having that guilt. I got guilt coming out of me right now.

[00:23:07]And uh I feel guilty. I feel like I a lot's on my wife's shoulders.

[00:23:13]Uh she hasn't changed her work or nothing at all. Like but I mean she's the bread winner right now, which has never been the case since we've been married.

[00:23:25]And I feel guilt because of that.

[00:23:28]Uh, and so definitely I sit there and I think but but I but at the same time I don't know what I would do. I don't know. I feel like if I left this room that I'm continuing on doing what I'm doing. I'm just not streaming it or or doing it on social media. I'm just doing it myself. And if I'm just going to do it myself anyways, why am I in here?

[00:24:03]I don't even know what the what PR means.

[00:24:14]Uh well uh C actually it's cost financially uh mentally what it's done.

[00:24:21]So so that's an interesting question.

[00:24:24]uh cat uh you know I have thought about getting PR uh read but I don't even know how to that's I keep on getting told that I should go do that and I I keep forget I don't know what to do.

[00:24:45]So there was there was a lot of articles written about me the first month and then it just died off. Uh, I didn't I I've been asked to go on podcasts and I don't I don't do them. Um, I probably should uh but cat uh the the interesting part about your question is the isolation in your room has taken so much financially but it's given me so much mentally and physically like the amount of money that I've paid for the room. Probably I would have paid that anyways.

[00:25:30]Um I would have probably paid that anyways.

[00:25:34]That's a good good valid point. Um not knowing if you meant to make that point, but if it is just financial is just financial. Like uh I I like being in the room. I like what I'm doing. I don't love the feeling like a dead beat.

[00:25:52]Especially like those two those days that I even right now I'm just taking it easy in the room. I'm just literally taking it easy on purpose. Um because I am worried about my back. And so that's that's when I got into the thought process of maybe I do need to get on TRT because obviously uh obviously my uh well I'm just not doing as good as I was like last weak because of my dumb back and just so that you guys understand like so I'll read you be like I do feel like people also don't believe me when I when I'm when I talk about well I'm not doing uh I I it's it's just basically people have doubts because it's the internet like I can say whatever I want to say. Now, why would I do that? I don't have any desires to be in here and not get healthy and lose weight. That's why my calorie deficit has been low. I mean, I have been not eating some calories.

[00:27:18]And I've been hungry for like 4 months now. I'm starving. And uh I just even went lower on calories to try to make sure that my weight loss stayed in there. And then all the push-ups that I could do yesterday, I did them. Uh, this is from coach. Holding perfectly steady at 269.

[00:27:39]Uh, 36% body fat. Uh, you're successfully locking into the 260s weight class and the deema is staying completely off. I know being sign lined with that lingering back pain is mentally exhausting and frustrating, but the uh the scale proves the grassroots protocol is doing exactly what it needs to do to heal. We're taking this day by day. It's the back still barking uh at you. We keep training at absolute zero.

[00:28:06]Do not force it. It ain't it ain't I'm just not making these decisions myself.

[00:28:11]I talked to my wife. I talked to my my buddy who's a a PA. I talked to coach.

[00:28:17]And And then I'm also scared. I'm also scared that it's just like my arm really frustrated me. I I like without my back I can't do anything.

[00:28:33]And uh and so like I'm not doing as much as I I want to do. Obviously I'm not. I'm doing that on purpose though. Not not because uh I have to, but because I really would rather get better. I I got seven more months. If if I just go out there and kill myself, I'd done that. the 40,000k uh step challenge. It's been like a month and my toes are still black and blue. Like I probably ought to train for this stuff uh that I'm doing. Can I do it? Yeah. Yeah, I can do it.

[00:29:13]But I really really would like to try to stay healthy as I'm doing it. And I feel like listen, I'm sitting there doing all this whining stuff. You know how many times I've looked at myself in the mirror this week? I look great. Not in this picture right here, but to myself, holy [ __ ] I feel amazing. I look amazing. Like even my swim trunks right here, which were my big like some of my big fat guy swim trunks. I'm going to have to get rid of them. I can't tighten them any more than they are right now.

[00:29:46]They're loose. And these aren't the kind that are stretchy stretchy or anything.

[00:29:50]They're they're solid. And so like I feel amazing. Like to me, not the same to you ladies. I'm still big fat guy. I get that. But to me, I look fantastic.

[00:30:04]Uh my my arms are getting toned. There's some things that I don't love. Like uh so today, so I'm sitting here whining about all my my failures, but let's talk about a couple of my wins. When I started in here, my waist was 50 55 inches 55 inches around my my uh and when I do it, I go around the biggest fattest part on me. I went around my uh uh my love handles and my belly. Okay, I started at uh 55 in and I'm at 48 in around the waist.

[00:30:46]I've lost 7 in around my waist in circumference.

[00:30:50]7 in doesn't seem like that much, but most of that's coming from the front.

[00:30:55]That means that I went like this down in the front.

[00:31:00]My arms have gained 2 in of circumference. I've gained 2 in on my arm. My neck, uh, no, my chest, I went from a a 50. I was just about the same on my chest, 55 and I went down to 48.

[00:31:20]Uh my quads, I went from 31 in down to 27 in.

[00:31:27]Uh I've lost a lot of inches. A lot of inches. And I can tell that I could tell that the reason that prompt me to to measure today was I could see how my arms are no longer tight skin. They're they're losing weight and so the skin's not tight. It looks almost wrinkly. I'm like, "What the what the heck?"

[00:31:59]And uh and so I was pretty surprised about that.

[00:32:06]Like the fact is I'm probably not coming out of this room, but I've thought about it a lot this week and I continue to think about it. I feel like a failure this week.

[00:32:20]I feel like I failed myself and you guys and my wife and I'm just laying around not doing [ __ ] Now, I lost some weight this week, that's for sure. But we went from averaging 13 people watching me lose weight to one to three.

[00:32:38]And that's from me being a lazy sack of crap laying in the bed. And uh I don't love that.

[00:32:45]I don't love that. And that's the mentality that I I need to change for myself is stop worrying about it.

[00:32:54]Like if I'm just going to continue to do it, then I probably ought to stop worrying about it, right? That's that's what I I need to keep telling myself and that's what I'm doing right now is like I want to see my wife so freaking bad.

[00:33:08]And then my mom's not feeling good again. She's fine, but she's not feeling good again. She got that damn UTI uh that just keeps on tormenting her, you know, and that's on my mind. My back's been on my mind. like uh just kind of a lot of stuff on my mind. And I think that it was naive to me to think that I wasn't going to have any problems while in the room. And you have the same problems. It's just harder to I'm going to tell you it's harder in here than it is outside.

[00:33:45]You know, everybody say I do that all the time. No, you don't. No, you don't.

[00:33:50]It is a lot different to sit in a room for 3 days and then go to McDonald's when you want to or call call up uh like there's nobody in this house right now.

[00:33:59]It's just me. It's just me in this house and I'm only in one room. I can't go watch TV in the main room. Like I haven't I don't sit on couches.

[00:34:11]Like you know how mentally draining it is not to have a place to sit? Yes, I have my computer chair.

[00:34:18]I mean, it's a a hard computer chair. I have the floor and then I have my bed.

[00:34:22]My bed was the best $90 mattress you could buy. You know, those things weigh on you. Think think about not having a couch to sit on. I have thought about that so much. Uh not having a couch and cat's right. It's good days and bad days. It's really been a bad week. But honestly, just kind of saying it out loud makes me want to shut myself up and just think, just go in there and kill it, Skip.

[00:34:57]Like, stop worrying about all this dumb [ __ ] and just do it. If I'm going to do it anyways outside, then why not just continue on what I'm doing? My wife likes it. She likes what I'm doing. Uh, I don't have anybody on me right now.

[00:35:13]Since my constru construction business stopped, the stress level in here work-wise is down lower. I mean, I wish that I was getting merchandise done faster. Like, but I I did actually speed that up quite a bit yesterday. I mean, we I got 11 shirts done other than the backs now.

[00:35:36]And so like the merch is getting better and better. Like when people order now, so before I had it two to four weeks, oh, I easily like once I have everything done that I have right now, I think a twoe turnaround is perfect cuz I I mean unless unless something happens where I get a bunch, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I figure I'm hoping to sell like a shirt or two a week.

[00:36:00]Uh but we'll see. I have some design ideas that might be kind of fun.

[00:36:07]I want to do a headband with with all of the the the uh stickers that we have that that Haley made. I want to just do a headband with all those stickers. I think that would be hilarious.

[00:36:23]the one with coach and me. And anyway, actually, I really appreciate you guys letting me get that out cuz I I thought that this was going to take me forever to talk about, but feel like I just needed to get it off my chest more than anything. I feel pretty good right now.

[00:36:45]When I say it out loud, I don't really The fact is I don't want to leave. Yeah, I could, but I don't want to. I'd rather lose another 55 pounds and then leave. I just need to get my [ __ ] together. I need to get my [ __ ] together. I need to get There you can see the bottom of my toes healing nicely.

[00:37:09]Just need to get my [ __ ] together.

[00:37:17]Let's see what Katie says right here.

[00:37:20]Katie says, "We order merch with our logo and the production time is usually 2 to 3 weeks before it ships.

[00:37:26]Embroidered orders just take longer because it's a longer process." Yeah, I know. I know that, Katie, but I feel guilty. Um, I don't want to make it my whole life in here doing the merchandise. And so I basically cut it off at 6 to8 hours a day and I don't want to do it on Sundays.

[00:37:49]Uh did you guys hear me when I said I gained 2 in on my arms? I gained the the inches, which is both disheartening and awesome, but I still have all this.

[00:38:03]Still have all that. So the only place that I gained is like up here where it it's gotten tighter. But down here, this is all fat right there. All that's fat on my arm.

[00:38:15]Gross.

[00:38:39]I needed this chat actually.

[00:38:45]I needed this chat.

[00:38:48]I needed to get that off my chest. But now I have nothing else to say. That's what I needed to get off my chest this week. Folks, if you have uh questions or comments on what I just talked about, bring it on because that's all I got. I thought I was going to whine for a good hour and uh honestly I don't really want to whine anymore. I feel pretty good about it. So, uh I just wanted to be able to whine, I think. Uh I appreciate everybody that showed up tonight. Uh thanks for taking us from three people to 20. That's pretty awesome. If you're a new person or a uh a hater and you just are in here every week just laughing your butt off because I'm a loser. I would love to hear you talk here in the in the uh chat. Uh let's talk about it. Uh Ike says, "How do you feel or how do you feel you will think about the isolation year 10 years from now now on reflecting?" So, so I I've had some real because of all the hate that I've gotten. I've had some real uh guilt about the isolation gear as far as my wife and kids are involved because they're going to have to always go tell people that I'm the isolation gear guy and I'm afraid that it's going to be embarrassing.

[00:40:13]And so I feel like I have maybe an embarrassment of the rest of my life.

[00:40:19]Um and so I don't that's what I feel like right now. like and that has been a hard thing the last month is just feeling like I'm going to make my family embarrassed to be my family and so I don't love that.

[00:40:59]Like I don't think that they should be embarrassed.

[00:41:03]the the the the fact is is I'm doing it for you so you don't have to.

[00:41:08]Everything I everything I do in here, I look at it as a learning a learning process. When I decided that I was laying in the when I decided when I started laying in the bed this week because of my back, I started eating less calories and drinking a little bit less water. I was trying to wash to see what happened laying in the bed. And I know one thing happened. I always have a little bit of edema in my legs. Always.

[00:41:36]The first day that I was in the bed, I shedded all that water. So I went from 271 lb to 268.

[00:41:47]It was like 2.6 lb loss.

[00:41:51]And actually, I think it happened two times. I think it went from 173 to 170 and then down to 268.

[00:41:58]That was water.

[00:42:00]That was water that I have a really hard time getting rid of as soon and and so right now I know that I'm I'm I'm testing the waters. I'm trying to let myself dry up until I get to uh the first workout that I do and I want to see if I raise 2 to three lbs, which I think I will.

[00:42:21]And I think I will because as soon as I eat any carbs, my body starts putting water back into that uh those areas of my legs. It's common for me and I wanted to see what it does. Like I I my muscle is staying stagnant. I haven't been increasing in muscle and for two reasons. I'm not working out and I'm not eating as much protein. I'm also not taking any carbs, so I'm able to take or keep all of this fluid off of my extremities. Soon as I work out, coach is going to have me eat uh rice and potato.

[00:42:59]I'm going to gain all the water back.

[00:43:03]I could be wrong, but this is the kind of learning I've been doing this entire four months.

[00:43:10]Every time something happens, when I went out to my mom's, I keep on experimenting. Everything I do, I experiment.

[00:43:18]I just want to see like what what happens if I do this? What happens if I eat this?

[00:43:25]That day that I that I dried up on the bed, I ate like five bananas and two apples. Uh, and then a bunch of chicken and some rice that day. But I was laying flat with my legs up a little bit, not high, but 6 in off the off the ground.

[00:43:43]That is all that I have to have for my legs to dry up.

[00:43:49]But it can't be just going to bed. I'd roll around like an alligator. It's got to be uh it's got to be in those kind of conditions where it's just rest. Okay.

[00:43:59]So, to me, that means that I need to have a regiment during the day that I put my legs up. Either that or I always keep the water on me. When I keep the water on, I'm more sluggish. Doing squats is more slug sluggish. Walking on the treadmill is more sluggish. It's like having a half glass of full of water and going like this and all that water going there and here and there. It feels like it don't feel like 3 lbs. It feels like a thousand. And uh when I get up from being dry, you know, having all that water off, I feel like a million dollars. Like if it wasn't for my back, I'd feel so gosh damn good right now because I have no water retention. I have none. I'm starting to get a little bit of water retention back because I've been up for the last 3 days now, but only I've been staying up only for 8 to nine hours purposely to try to keep that water off because I'm trying to form a uh I'm trying to experiment with myself.

[00:44:58]Now, maybe I should bring that up to chat more. Maybe that's interesting.

[00:45:03]Maybe it's not. I really I don't know. I don't know because I don't bring it up.

[00:45:07]Same thing I did while I was out there to the uh I did talk about this a little bit. I ate at the I ate there. I took the stairs. I made sure that I parked a million miles away. I did those things just to check it out. Like what what what can I do that would that I can bring what I've learned out of the room out into the real world? Stairs are important. They are. And I've got good knees.

[00:45:36]So, I should probably do the stairs. And uh eating was hard in the hospital. I learned that it's really better if you bring your own food.

[00:45:48]Bringing your own food, I think, is extremely important. Uh I know that I can eat cold uh turkey and vinegar, and so that's probably going to be my go-to to eat outside.

[00:46:22]I do need to get the sauna back up.

[00:46:27]And and the fact is is it is interesting to me. Everything that I'm learning into in this room is interesting to me this week. the the like these last four days, 5 days that that I had been laid up cuz of my back. Actually, I would never got this chance before.

[00:46:44]I'd have never had the ability. I mean, usually what would happen, I've never had a back issue like that. I've never But if I get sick or if I've had a surgery or something like that, my wife usually take brings everything to and from me. I had to do everything for myself. I just moied on into the bathroom. I tried to keep clean as much stuff as I could keep clean and I did it when I was done. It wasn't the end of the world. I I figured it out. Uh I figured out how I actually had some training on how to pick things up without hurting your back um for the rig and I utilized some of those movements.

[00:47:21]I forgot about those. Um I used them on the rig, but I forgot them here. And it was natural. It was like second uh it was like it it was like a It was just muscle memory, you know. I just did what I did.

[00:47:38]Um, that was that was interesting. And so, like, yes, the fact is this week, even though it's been really shitty viewership and I haven't been working out, I've still been losing weight and I still learned things about me and my body, which is really the goal of the whole thing, which is what I was going to do with the cooking shows. I was trying to do the cooking shows for myself, but also because I thought it was interesting. I did that way too early.

[00:48:06]That was too long of an experiment. I'm trying to lose weight here. I'm not trying to maintain. I need to be doing that once I'm down to 215 lbs. Not Not once I'm up here.

[00:48:17]Now, another thing that I've really been considering is I do everything natural right now. I'm going to do another testosterone test and if it still shows that I'm at 100, I haven't increased at all. I'm down. I was 140, then I was 100. We'll see what I am in this next time. If I'm still 100, I might get on testosterone even though I'm fighting it tooth and nail. And I'm going to tell you why. And this is a big might. I'm going to tell you why. The why is because of the recovery.

[00:48:53]If if I had the testosterone, I would be recovering quicker. Would I be recovered? I don't know the answer to that. Uh, I'll read you something um that I read um Testosterone. So TRT it restores the body blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Accelerated muscle repair. Testosterone stimulates protein synthesis and activates satellite cells which are the building blocks required to mend micro tears and muscle tissues after extensive or intense physical activity. Reduce fatigue and increase energy. Low testosterone levels frequently lead to chronic fatigue.

[00:49:56]Restoring hor hormonal balance, boosts overall vigor, reduces post exercise tiredness, and improves stamina. Uh improves sweet sleep quality, tissue and bone regeneration.

[00:50:08]Emerging evidence indicates the that adequate testosterone promotes collagen synthesis, aiding in tendon remodeling.

[00:50:16]That's the part that I'm I'm most I have a problem with my tendons. uh I have for a very long time. That's the problem that I have with this elbow. That's the reason that I had to have my thumbs repaired. That's how come I've had the pre uh prenator or whatever the postnatator or whatever they are uh cut open. I had tendons taken out of my arms right there. I've had purple tunnel.

[00:50:39]I've had so many surgeries on my hands and arms because of tendons. Um and then I have tendons in my feet that cause me pain when walking.

[00:50:52]Uh, I've had those for a very long time. And so I have thought and I don't know what I'm going to do.

[00:51:03]I don't I don't know what I'm going to do, but I I'm thinking of at least listening hearing out um the taking of testosterone.

[00:51:15]I have a somebody that would prescribe it to me right now. I have for months and I just haven't done it because I wanted to prove how I could do everything naturally. Well, the fact is testosterone is natural and I let myself become a big fat uh guy that lost all of his testosterone.

[00:51:34]The problem that I have with testosterone is ever getting off. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get off of it once I'm on it. And I don't love the thought of that. And and that's something that I'm I mean I tried two times to get off of my mental health drugs in here because I I'm so against taking medications. I am off of them now. The first time it didn't take I got real depressed and crazy and then this time for the last two months I've been off my mental health drugs and even this week with being kind of down and upset and frustrated. I mean I know that you guys have come in the chat and been like this dude he don't talk anymore. I haven't been. I really have not talked this week. I was afraid of being short or not very positive or honory or and and you guys don't deserve that. And so I thought I'll just stay quiet.

[00:52:26]And when I'm quiet, it dies in there.

[00:52:36]And so you guys are awesome.

[00:52:57]And the fact is, just so you guys know, I feel much better. This stupid tub thing is so therapeutic.

[00:53:04]Gosh damn. I am going to tell you right now if you I'm going to tell everybody that's here.

[00:53:13]We've got 16 people watching, right?

[00:53:16]Okay. All 16 of you. I'm going to I'm going to talk directly to each and every one of you.

[00:53:24]If you can talk about your problems to anybody, and I will tell you that my door is open, hit me up on Discord.

[00:53:32]Anybody, anybody, anybody, anyone, and you just need to talk, I'm here. And it's hard to just get out your feelings.

[00:53:46]Uh, I love this bathtub talk because as soon as I sit down in here, I just know that I'm spilling my guts. And that's what I did tonight. And I feel so much better. I I honestly feel like what was I worried about? And and that was just me talking to myself. Not from any comments, not from uh any epiphies, just from thinking h I mean little bit of epiphany like just thinking, you know what? Screw everything else. I'm doing great.

[00:54:18]Okay, so this week I might be 268. 268.

[00:54:22]I got eight 7 months left. Okay, and I got less than half of my weight to lose.

[00:54:28]I've averaged 3 lbs a week, which is extremely aggressive. That means that I lose weight every single day.

[00:54:39]I feel great. And if if you can if you can learn to get that emotion out and then also talk about it out loud, who knows what you can do. Um, you know, one other thing that I I guess I'm going to I guess if I'm going to let everything out, I thought there was a potential of running this show after I'm done with the year. And it's becoming quite apparent that that's probably not going to happen. Well, I can't do the construction anymore. I can't do it. I hated it. like is the worst freaking I would rather flip burgers at McDonald's, but not really. I don't want to flip burgers at McDonald's. So, I'm sitting here thinking, what am I going to do after this year? I'm an oil filled hand or I'm a water softener technician.

[00:55:38]There's not exactly many water softener technician jobs out there that pay, you know, I could maybe make 70 80,000.

[00:55:48]Okay, that's a possibility.

[00:55:53]But what else am I going to do? Like I I just I realize that I'm 50 years old and I I need to do something is the moment I get out of this room and it's been weighing on me that I feel like I wast people go through their lives and this is really part of where I was at at the beginning of this year. I've hated construction since I've been in it. I don't like it. It's not I don't like dealing with customers. I don't like dealing with their money. I don't like having possession of their houses. I don't like dealing with the employees. I would rather be the guy painting the house, not the one like just a grunt, you know. I have managed huge crews and I have done big jobs and been in charge of a lot of money, but I was an employee. I liked that much better. Uh I I didn't love being uh I don't like dealing with people. Not necessarily. I like doing the work. Like I told you guys before, I'm an attab boy. And in construction, you don't get attab boys.

[00:56:51]You get, "How come you're late? How come you're not doing this? How come you're not doing that?" And then after you're done, they're like, "Oh, well, you still got the like it could be perfect." And it's just just never good. Just never good. And uh so I I can't see myself going back to that. It It's not my profession anyways.

[00:57:11]I'm an oil fil. That's what I did for a very long time. That's what I enjoyed.

[00:57:17]There's no oil field in St. George. I knew that when I left that rig that I might not ever be able to get back into the oil field again. And that is weighing on me mentally. What I'm doing after this year, I feel like I wasted 30 years of good work. Even though I worked my ass off for 30 years, I'm like, gosh damn, I worked my ass off for 30 years.

[00:57:38]The only thing I qualify for in St. George is head fry cook. And even then, I have to have it with a supervisor.

[00:57:44]like I'm just not I'm not that qualified for anything. And so I thought, well, maybe I can make a go at this this fitness stuff.

[00:57:53]>> I don't think that I'm the right guy for that. I don't think I'm the right guy for people to look up to because I'm doing it so goofy and I'm I'm I'm doing it with uh staying in a room and like I don't think that everybody should stay in a room. Like I did it because when when you're a kid and so when I grew up I did not drink water.

[00:58:20]So me not drinking water from the time I'm a little kid until I'm 50 years old.

[00:58:26]I mean it's because I was a like I grew up in Nikkisi Alaska. We had not bad water but it tasted like [ __ ] because it was full of iron. It tasted like a bloody nose. I wasn't interested in in drinking uh the water, so I didn't. We had soda or juice or milk. That's all we drink. And mostly milk and soda.

[00:58:51]And like I can't sit there and say so much soda, but my mom would probably buy two flats, which was I want to say each flat was two dozen sodas. And so it was probably 48 sodas. Those 48 sodas, if we got them once a week, they were gone within two days. And then we were just drinking milk the whole time. It wasn't like we got soda every time.

[00:59:20]My mother got 365 days of soda and I think that lasted us a couple months.

[00:59:27]We just drank a lot of soda. That's what I grew up doing. And so when I came into this room, I'm trying desperately to change what's normal in my mind. Cuz it's normal for me to drink soda and not drink water. That's normal.

[00:59:46]It's normal to have a candy bar or a piece of cake or Swedish fish or a chocolate bar. I mean, every single uh holiday, everybody knows what I like and that's what people knew me for is they would get me all kinds of chocolate and and I didn't eat a lot of food, but I ate a lot of chocolate.

[01:00:08]And uh uh my my uh my liver is actually uh healed right now. Aaron, flipping houses is horrible.

[01:00:34]you for one thing, you have to have a ton of money and flipping. So you have to have a ton of money and in my area houses just don't sit sit around. Everybody's flipping a house around here. So it's just not that lucrative.

[01:00:55]You know what I'm good at? Ideas.

[01:00:58]I always have been, always will be. I'm damn good at ideas. I suck at executing them. I I I suck at what comes after the idea. If there was a job that they're like, "Alls we want is ideas.

[01:01:13]I'm the best."

[01:01:15]That will be one thing that'll be on my gravestone is kind of fat, good at ideas.

[01:01:30]We also had a little bit of stress cuz I'll tell you now because uh I didn't want to tell you before, but Darcy had found a a lump in her boob and uh luckily she was able to get it checked out yesterday and they were just cysts and and they're not even the kind of cyst that they take out. They just they just leave them there and uh they're just not a big deal. Um, that was a relief, but that was a pretty big stress. Like she couldn't sleep.

[01:02:01]That was stress.

[01:02:03]And so that was adding to the like I hated being in here because I would have rather have been out there with my wife even though she's like, "Nah, I'm good.

[01:02:11]Like stay in there." My like like my wife has not one time asked me to come out of here. Matter of fact, she just tries to convince me to no matter what happens, she just wants me to stay in here.

[01:02:26]Goal weight is 215 lbs.

[01:02:31]215. Currently, I'm 268, but I feel like I'm going to be heavy tomorrow. Today I've eaten uh eggs, um turkey, two bananas, an apple.

[01:02:54]That's it.

[01:02:58]Oh, and a bag of cucumbers, the baby ones.

[01:03:02]But gosh damn, I I sat there and I swore that I wasn't going to take an hour of your guys' time today. I I apologize. I uh I don't mean to take so long.

[01:03:16]I don't know if you guys got much out of tonight, but here was the moral of the story. Let's just recap. I was feeling like, what the hell am I doing in here?

[01:03:23]And then when I say it out loud, I'm just like, well, I'm I'm here because of I I need to change. I mean, I could see that I'm still a big fat guy. I I've lost 60 lb, but I have so much weight to lose and I'm not done learning. And so, I'm here. I'm staying.

[01:03:44]I just am glad to get it out. And I I really appreciate you guys letting me do this.

[01:03:49]Uh uh I appreciate you guys uh giving me this outlet uh listening to me, you know, either either being positive about it or negative about it. I'm I'm I I've been Well, that's good, Katie. I love you being here. So, when uh coach I think I think coach likes Katie uh being here more than I do.

[01:04:35]Well, let's do it together there, Aaron.

[01:04:37]Uh, so Aaron, you you said something about my liver, and I think I might have responded, but my liver, when I had my blood test before the isolation year, I did have a uh unhealthy liver. Um, but it went to normal in like a month and a half of just eating right and losing weight, which is so embarrassing to say out loud, right?

[01:05:07]Uh, I definitely want to keep on going.

[01:05:18]You know, my problem was I had a fatty liver, but it's not fatty anymore.

[01:05:24]Gosh, my toes are nasty. Just from just from the freaking all that walking, they're still just ripping ripping apart.

[01:05:46]Oh, you can't see them. It's those ones.

[01:05:55]Another thing I did was which was interesting to me is if you're hungry, if you're hungry, I'm going to give you guys a uh something to try or if you're swollen.

[01:06:13]If you're swollen or if you're having a hard time not not getting enough food, try eating just cucumbers.

[01:06:23]Cucumbers gives you that foliage, but it also gives you a ton of water. And that water makes you urinate. And uh I think that the the cucumbers helped me to get rid of my swelling cuz as soon as I eat about a half a bag of those cucumbers, I had to pee like a racehorse. And then I peed for every 10 minutes for a couple hours.

[01:06:49]It was crazy.

[01:06:56]Anyways, I appreciate you guys very much. Thank you for coming and and uh listening to this me and uh I can't guarantee you that we'll be back to working out tomorrow. Like, so yesterday I told coach I was 70% on my back. By the end of the day, I was back down to uh probably 40%. Today, I was at 70% again. I think I'm close to 70% still. I feel pretty good, but my back still is.

[01:07:31]It's not It hurts, yes, but it's very tight. Extremely tight.

[01:07:39]I've done a couple of these Epson salt baths, which is what this was. Um, I haven't done the red light therapy, but I have done the laying on the floor and putting my legs up uh quite often.

[01:07:59]Uh, I'm telling you, the cucumbers, gosh, I don't know, man. Those might be one. Like I don't like to eat cucumbers, but I can't eat them pickled as much as I eat.

[01:08:12]Like I eat a entire bag of cucumbers today. It was about 100 calories and about a [ __ ] ton of carbs. It was probably 60 carbs or 70 carbs. But these are fast acting carbs. They're not carbs that are making me retain a bunch of water. I I can retain water from them, but they're not it's they they're going to go through me so much quicker.

[01:08:37]And a cucumber or uh um green beans or you know that kind of foliage, you emit you lose you get rid of cucumbers so much just by breathing by the gases that you're letting out. Um, and that's that's one of the things about cucumbers is they they give me gas.

[01:09:20]Well, it keeps me from my part uh my partner 100% of the time.

[01:09:33]Uh, I mean, I don't get a sear.

[01:09:35]I don't peel them, Aaron. Because I'll tell you why I don't peel them. I want that that uh that skin on the outside.

[01:09:43]That's where you get a lot of your um fiber. So, I want the fiber But we're separated all the time. But my wife and mine's problem has we've never had a problem with separation.

[01:10:03]>> Like you like anybody that comes and sees us or anything, this is what they're going to find that's weird about me and my wife. We are inseparable.

[01:10:12]If we are together, we are inseparable.

[01:10:15]I don't go do stuff. She doesn't go do stuff. We do things together. We We're always together. Like I like to be around her. If I go up to bed at 7 o'clock, she comes up to bed at 7 o'clock. If I wait until 10 o'clock, she waits until 10 o'clock. We We don't If she goes up at 7:00. I go up at 7:00. If she waits till 10:00, I wait till 10:00.

[01:10:35]If she goes to to watch games, I go to watch games. We're We're just always together. We We are like uh we are just so connected. And uh people think that that we must be really independent. We are not. We love to be together. I love being with my wife so much.

[01:11:06]Uh I finally so so I was telling you guys some good things that's happened.

[01:11:11]So I've lost a lot of inches around my body. I also finally am seeing my dick do dick do go away. Um, now everybody just means that they're just thinks that means I can't see my penis. But it's not necessarily just that. I also my stomach was hanging over my front of my pants.

[01:11:30]It's stopping doing that now. It's It's starting to tighten up, which it was like 2 days after I was bitching about it. It started going away. I was like, "What the?" And so, like, when I look at myself in that picture that I'm looking at right there, I am not the same huge fat guy I was when I came in here. Yes, I am not that attractive. I still have a big fat ugly body, but I'm not that upset with myself. I I look pretty good for for being 330 lbs 4 months ago. maybe not somebody that everybody wants to or thinks is uh you know I'm not like top 10% but I'm probably the top 80% now where I was probably the lower lower 100 percentile Derek why why are you guys why are you guys that apart that So that means that you she she lives in the states and you live where?

[01:12:53]Uh yeah, I call it uh dick do uh Mitch where your stomach sticks out further than your dick do.

[01:13:06]But where do you live, Derek?

[01:13:29]Where does she live?

[01:13:51]Ohio.

[01:13:55]I've been to Ohio.

[01:13:58]Newberry, Ohio. Cleveland.

[01:14:09]No, it's all right, Derek. Nobody's judging you. It's a This is a uh safe space, buddy.

[01:14:17]Um, how long have you been married, Derek?

[01:14:35]Oh, let me tell you some stuff that I don't necessarily do, but you should. Well, I do I do do some of this.

[01:14:46]Uh, make sure that you always are telling her that you love her like every single day and even more than once.

[01:15:07]Make sure you always tell her that you love her. Make sure that she always knows how attractive that you think she is. Like I think that it's important that women believe that their spouse truly believes that they're attractive.

[01:15:21]Like that's one thing that I tell my wife constantly is that I love her and how pretty she is because I believe my wife is extremely beautiful. And uh I think that that is important.

[01:15:36]Um, I think that when you are together that you should be he uh attached at the hip. Where you go, she goes. Where she goes, you go. That kind of stuff.

[01:15:49]And then I did live like that for a while. She lived in Utah. I lived in Alaska. And the way that we handled it was so it wouldn't be as long as you. We would go uh December I would come to Utah and be here for a week or two and then she would come down in maybe Marchish for a couple of days and then her and the kids would come to Alaska in May till August and then we would do it again.

[01:16:29]And it did suck, but that I did that so that I could pay for um I could pay for her nursing school. So during her nursing school, uh I worked in Alaska to pay for it, which worked out.

[01:16:53]Kyle Bush is that uh car driver.

[01:16:57]Catcher Pratt.

[01:17:16]So, so even with you married Derek, you there's no way that she can get a visa here.

[01:17:40]I would be interested to see like can she come teach K uh uh um what is it called?

[01:17:51]Tagalo over here.

[01:17:58]I have no idea that I can't believe the Philippines is one of them that you can't get a freaking visa in in America for. I I don't even understand. Like I don't understand why we're keeping people out.

[01:18:11]Just let's do it just the right way.

[01:18:45]That's crazy.

[01:18:47]I have no idea.

[01:18:49]Let's let's learn about this.

[01:19:36]Sorry, I got interested. So, I'm looking this up.

[01:21:26]are you a a US citizen or a green holder? Derek You were born in Ohio.

[01:22:51]You know, you know, Derek, uh, using using, uh, AI, it actually says that she should be able to get her visa because that's not one of the countries that's restricted.

[01:23:38]I mean, so I I'm definitely not mega, but I am uh right leaning.

[01:23:46]But I think that this Oh, I thought you said Philippines. I thought you said she was from the Philippines, Derek.

[01:24:21]Heat. Heat.

[01:24:59]I do have an air lock.

[01:26:02]Hey Derek, have you already have you guys already filed a I130?

[01:26:16]Well, I'm not going to the the gas prices are not are not uh the highest they they've ever been.

[01:26:26]Uh nor are they the gas prices isn't something that you should be upset with Isaac as a right-wing or a leftwing. High gas prices means the economy is going to do better. That means we're going to drill and drilling is going to put money in your pocket amongst a bunch of other people's pockets, a lot of people.

[01:26:50]And and so you always look at a gas prices as a good thing, not a bad thing.

[01:28:02]Hey, Yeah, that sucks, man. It's not on a It's not on a visa ban. It's on a pause, which is dumb.

[01:28:39]Well, they do get one benefit. Uh Isaac, they they do get some benefits from having a green card. Uh if you have a green card, you uh you can be uh then the first the amendments the the constitution applies to Is that new D Isaac that you can't become a a a citizen anymore cuz cuz I do know people that are citizen that weren't a citizen o I don't know what I don't know I don't know like that has not been my experience, Isaac, they still qualify for all the state programs.

[01:30:06]>> I I haven't run into that. That's not what they struggle with over here. They still get government programs.

[01:30:15]Mostly state funded, but they still get those programs.

[01:30:25]I I know I know guys who who've become citizens.

[01:30:34]I I know uh people from Venezuela and Mexico and Ecuador that have become citizens.

[01:31:33]Uh, yeah. I think you're I think you're right, Isaac. I do think that sucks.

[01:31:37]Now, a lot a lot of the Mexicans around here have no desires to live in America forever. They they're only here to work and then once they get done with working, they don't want to live here anymore because it's more expensive. So they could save save the money that they made over here and then they can uh take it home.

[01:32:04]Yeah.

[01:32:06]Yeah. Uh you're you're right. But we're talking about immigration over like what what happened back in the 1500s compared to what happens happening today. We didn't have a immigration policy 300 years ago or 400 years ago. You know what I mean? Just a different It's just different now.

[01:32:38]But like I don't even understand.

[01:32:42]Sometimes it's not even a better life.

[01:32:44]They come here and they make less money.

[01:32:48]I I had a guy working for me. He was making five, six grand a month in Mexico and decided to come here and was making much less making like I think I was paying him I think I was paying him $24 an hour which was high for what I had him doing.

[01:33:08]But it was crazy that he made so much where he was at. He was a mechanic, but I had him working as a concrete guy.

[01:33:24]Anyways, I got to go to the bathroom or I got to shower. Whatot shower turn?

[02:12:27]Jeez, it's 9:00.

[02:13:42]I did go to my bathroom. Yep. Well, I showered.

[02:14:10]I mean, I just feel like they're normal people.

[02:14:15]Like, got no bearing on what on anything about me. So, I mean, I'll respect them and call them whatever they want to call them.

[02:14:26]I don't know. I don't know what you're asking for, but What? What? Isaac, what did I do?

[02:16:11]What did I do? I don't even know what I did.

[02:17:42]Ah, there's no reason. There's enough hate in the world.

[02:17:47]Doesn't I don't need a hate.

[02:17:56]I actually follow a trans lady on uh one of those.

[02:18:15]Yeah, that's that's my uh take on it, Isaac, is it doesn't affect me. We're all different.

[02:18:24]The the only thing I will say is that I hope that they're safe with everything.

[02:18:29]Just be safe.

[02:18:31]Long as you're safe, I think you're all right.

[02:18:35]I'm talking about in in the stuff that they're doing and whatnot.

[02:18:43]No. Uh she's a uh uh I think is she a trash man? She works for a either she works for a city government. But the reason I've watched her since when she looked mostly like a guy but had a bunch of surgeries now.

[02:19:04]Uh it just the transformation has been crazy.

[02:19:11]Like what they do to a guy to make him look like a girl nowadays is freaking nuts.

[02:19:51]Uh this one is just the she talks about uh she uh I mean she just does her own thing. And I think that she's still like technically I don't really understand this part, but she's calls herself gay now cuz she's still into women just the same amount as she's always been.

[02:20:24]But she's always been like a crossdresser.

[02:20:28]And then uh one of her girlfriends said, "You should just become a girl." And so that's what she did.

[02:20:38]And then she said it's always made her feel it's makes her feel more normal, but she still talks with her deep voice and it's just very interesting. And then I do watch another trans guy.

[02:20:59]Uh he's also interesting because he's interesting because of how much uh uh he's changed over the years. He's been trans guy back to female back to trans guy back to female back to trans trans guy.

[02:21:25]Well, that's the thing is both of those people seem very happy to me. They're not depressed or nothing. That that chick, man, she's she just seems so positive and stuff. She don't give a [ __ ] man.

[02:24:12]Isaac, I've been playing a Sea of Thieves.

[02:26:07]Imagine all the people living harmony.

[02:42:32]Damn it, man. Made me laugh.

[03:13:22]You too, James. Good night, brother.

[03:22:22]Good chicken.

[03:59:14]Whoa.

[11:54:01]Come on.