Planet of the Vampire Women: Late Night Cable Nostalgia in Its Purest Form

[00:00:00]Today, we recap a film meant to take us back to the days of super late night sci-fi action films with a dress code for intergalactic survival was less NASA protocol and more Frederick's of Hollywood. A concept that was also pretty big on syndicated television in the '90s and inspired one of my favorite Mad TV sketches.

[00:00:17]An era, quite frankly, I miss. That's right. Today, we're going to review the kind of sort of remake of the 1965 film Planet of the Vampires with a Showtime after dark twist called Planet of the Vampire Women.

[00:00:31]Our film starts in what looks like a space casino. Apparently, this casino has live stripper entertainment as well as gambling, including one who seems to be a transformer who can switch out of his just by popping her hips. As this is going on, whatever the space equivalent of an armored truck delivery shows up at the casino. In the background, we see that something fishy is going on with some of the casino employees. One of the women sets off an alarm and some space pirates show up led by a woman named Trix Richards who seems to be infamous to the point a person she's holding up asks for her autograph. To steal the delivery, a firefight breaks out as we see that not only were those workers part of the heist, but the transformer Astrid was in well. They eventually get away and we get an intro to Trix's gang via an APB. Pirates warp in their space Camaro to a dark, stormy, out of the way planet that she wants to use as a hideout. She sends one of her scouts, Candy Miranda, out to the planet in hopes of finding a location for them, but we then see that the space police led by the armed delivery security guy followed them. This leads to a space dogfight scene straight out of the Transformers Beast Wars.

[00:01:32]At first, the pirates seem to have lost the cops, but the cops end up getting the upper hand. Damaging the pirate ship resulting in Trix telling her crew to lose them. They end up flying through a group of clouds where we see Trix get electrocuted and the ship apparently crash. Now stranded on the planet, each crew member is tasked with something different. As the casino worker named Pepper tries to get Candy on the radio, Trix comes to and flashes her fangs. The two women fight and Trix bites her, but not before Pepper can sound the alarm.

[00:02:01]The rest of the crew head to the cockpit just to find Pepper's body. Though the transformer who has now become a nurse says she's still alive, but barely.

[00:02:08]At the infirmary, the transformer Astrid notices the bite marks on Pepper's neck and asks the actual doctor what they're dealing with. The doctor's no help though as he apparently is a drug addict. Next we watch as the rest of the crew goes around the ship looking for Trix and seeing blood stains everywhere.

[00:02:23]They get to the airlock and notice that someone has used it to deduce that Trix has left, which in my opinion means problem solved. But they probably don't know she's a vampire, so it makes sense that they think that she may be hurt and needs help instead. Anyway, back in the ship, Trix's number two Ginger and Astrid try to fight it out over who can sit in the captain's chair, but it doesn't go further than a staring contest.

[00:02:42]The girls then grab weapons from the ship's armory and head out of the ship to look for Trix. The girls end up in a cave with ancient markings and pretty much walk in circles before they leave and egg on the ceiling of the cave hatches and some type of creature flies around going after the girls. They shoot it with lasers to no avail until Astrid uses an old-fashioned bullet gun leading to the creature exploding all over her.

[00:03:03]Ginger laughs so Astrid taunts her by turning into her before going back to the skimpy white getup she was wearing before. As they continue through the cave we learn Astrid is what's called a pleasure clone, so I'm guessing basically just a living blow-up doll.

[00:03:14]Does this mean this is another film about AI turning on its creator then or no? Anyway, the cop finds the girl and tries to apprehend them leading to a scuffle over his gun. As Ginger and the cop fight, Astrid grabs the gun and Vet walks off. As he notes that Vet is missing, we see her walk into another chamber where she runs into Trix who flashes her fangs. I guess Trix now has the power to hypnotize as Vet just walks up to her and allows Trix to bite her.

[00:03:36]Ginger and Astrid along with the cop as a prisoner eventually find Vet. Vet attempts to warn them about the captain, but does the stereotypical inconvenient death in the middle of words thing.

[00:03:46]They then continue to walk back to the ship, but end up running into a giant Muppet monster thing which apparently is the adult version of whatever was flying at them earlier.

[00:03:54]The three try to sneak past it but fail.

[00:03:56]As the monster attempts to go after Astrid, the cop risks his life to save her by fighting it and eventually killing it. They then make goo-goo eyes at each other. Back at the ship, they try to explain to the doctor what's going on with the captain while Astrid tries to get Ginger to work with the cop. As they talk about Vet's last words, the doctor shows them the bite marks on Pepper's neck and the cop goes on a rant about not wanting to hear about vampires as Astrid continues to stare at him lovingly.

[00:04:19]Astrid and Falco load ammo up and head out to look for Trix as the other two try to fix the ship. Soon the mechanical guy, Jonesy, during it starts having an identity crisis asking Ginger if she thinks he's a robot. Bad timing, bud.

[00:04:31]Back on the planet, Astrid tries to flirt with Falco by showing him different costumes in hopes of finding something he likes, very reminiscent of that scene from Bordello of Blood when Lilith tries to find Rafe's fantasy.

[00:04:41]She eventually gets it right as a belly dancer. As Astrid continues to seduce Falco, vampire Vet shows up. They try to shoot her but not only does it do nothing but she absorbs lasers and shoots them back.

[00:04:53]Falco then grabs Astrid's classic gun which does the trick resulting in Vet disintegrating.

[00:04:58]As they try to leave, they're then confronted by Trix who knocks Falco out of the way and then goes after Astrid.

[00:05:03]She eventually bites Astrid and leaves her to seemingly die just as Ginger and Jonesy show up. The two run into Falco who tells them about Richards and they take him back to the ship where they give him meds to get him back on his feet.

[00:05:15]The crew then finally get a message from Candy that she's still alive but we then see her get attacked by the flying space things.

[00:05:21]Back with the doctor, he listens as Pepper mumbles about an ancient race trying to survive before she eventually flatlines. In the cockpit, we see Jonesy and Falco get in a fight which also amounts to a staring contest before they once again hear from Candy who says she found the cop's ship and will continue to search despite Ginger telling her to stay put. In the infirmary, Pepper rises and fangs out. As Ginger heads to the infirmary, she sees the doctor carved up and rambling about a parasite. Ginger, Jonesy and Falco out looking for candy, but instead run into more of the creatures. As they attempt to shoot the creatures, Candy shows up and tells them the follower.

[00:05:55]As they do, we see that Candy's having drug withdrawals, and she asks if Doc had anything for her, which they let her know that Doc is dead. They then find another ship. Jonesy tries to jack into it, but it shocks him. He then tells the crew that it isn't a ship, it's a bomb.

[00:06:08]A top was robot thing that informs them that the purpose of the bomb is to blow up the vampires, and they aren't allowed to leave in order to prevent the infection from spreading.

[00:06:16]They're told they have 15 minutes before the planet is destroyed, so they shoot their way out, dealing with a collapsing cavern, as well as more of the space bug things.

[00:06:24]Before they can get to the ship, Candy is confronted with Trix, Pepper, and Astrid, who send the flying bugs after her.

[00:06:30]Candy puts up a good fight, but they eventually prove too much for her. As Falco, Jonesy, and Ginger get to the cop's ship, they see it fly away, followed by Candy walking up to them and dying at their feet.

[00:06:39]They decide to take Candy's jet scooter back to their original broken ship and blast off, escaping just as the planet is destroyed. As they're flying, they get a reading from the casino. Falco tries to warn the casino that the vampires are on the way, but by the time he gets in contact, they've already arrived and attacked security led by Astrid dressed as a sexy cop. They then infiltrate the main casino floor and feed on anyone that moves. After an extended fight scene of the vampires attacking people with swords and using laser eyes, Falco, along with Jonesy and Ginger, finally arrive at the casino, ammo up, and head inside to try to save the day. As they walk in, Jonesy and Ginger tell Falco that if they have to, they must destroy the casino and keep the vampires from spreading. But Jonesy gains a conscience and decides they must evacuate survivors and not just blow everything up. Once they get into the main casino hall, they're met with bloody bodies everywhere. The bodies then start to wake as vampires and surround the three would-be heroes. They begin shooting and make short work of the casino patrons. Once they're gone, Richers, along with Pepper and Astrid, walk out. Richers informs them that she's not actually Richers, but just a vampire alien inhabiting her body.

[00:07:41]The group split into three one-on-one battles with Ginger versus Richard, Astrid versus Falco, and Jonesy versus Pepper. Though other random female vamps jump in the latter two fights.

[00:07:51]This fight scene pretty much goes for 10 minutes before Ginger grabs some large gun and kills Pepper. Richard bites Jonesy which results in her face being burned by acid and Falco and Ginger escaping while Jonesy blows up the casino. The film ends with Falco attempting to send a message about saving the galaxy just for us to find out that who he thought was Ginger was really Astrid disguised as Ginger and the plague will spread.

[00:08:12]And that ladies and gentlemen is how you take the plot of a film from a cheesy 1965 horror, add boobs and fangs and cheesy 1980s bikini film aesthetics, and make it work.