Why Defensiveness Makes Conflict Worse

Added: 2026-05-18

[00:00:00]Defensiveness is almost always self-protection, and self-protection in a marriage will damage the connection that exists between [music] you. And I'm assuming we're talking about nonviolent relationships here, of course. And the reframe around this kind of that kind of opens it up for a lot of men is really understanding how that defensiveness [music] works. And I explain this a lot to my clients. So, from the inside, when I'm being defensive, [music] in my mind that can just feel like a reasonable response to what is perceived as an attack or a criticism or an objection.

[00:00:30]And [music] that automatically gets interpreted as rejection or being dismissed, one of those two things, both [music] of which feel terrible. So, your self-protection does not make your partner calmer. [music] It activates them more because it means there's so much more at stake now because now it's rejection. It's not just, "Oh, of course he would need to protect himself here."