My Wife Is Already Tired of Sex

Añadido: 2026-05-19

[00:00:03]brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app.

[00:00:05]>> Not too long ago, my wife mentioned that she could go the rest of her life basically without being uh sexually intimate. And I was just calling in to see how I should posture myself uh moving forward knowing this information.

[00:00:25]>> What about what she said made you take it personally?

[00:00:31]um >> as though you're not good like you're not good in bed. You're like like you're not good at this thing.

[00:00:37]>> Well, I don't necessarily think it was that. Um mainly because to my knowledge and what she told me that I've I'm her only one.

[00:00:47]>> Okay. Um, so it was more or less just like a misunderstanding of how could you not want this, you know, especially with the age that we are.

[00:01:00]>> How old are you?

[00:01:02]>> Uh, we are in our mid and late 20s.

[00:01:04]>> Okay. Okay. Um, does she have a history of sexual abuse?

[00:01:10]Um she did have uh some incidents with a uh family member when she was younger.

[00:01:19]>> Okay. Those aren't incidents. Those are lifealtering.

[00:01:24]>> Right. Yeah.

[00:01:26]>> Was she abused by a family member?

[00:01:29]>> Yeah, it was uh Yeah.

[00:01:31]>> Okay. Okay. Um, let's honor those for the shape shifter events that that is. Okay.

[00:01:42]It's not an incident. It's a I was going left in my life and now I'm going right.

[00:01:49]>> Right.

[00:01:49]>> Okay. Um, do y'all How How is your sex life now?

[00:01:56]Well, um, when I originally submitted it, uh, we we well, I kind of took it upon myself to get your together app.

[00:02:06]>> Um, and have been slowly working on micro habits to move uh, towards, you know, deeper intimacy outside of sex and things like that.

[00:02:16]>> Dude, shout out. Good on you. Forget the app part, but good on you for seeing sex being outside the bedroom, like a context. That's amazing. Good for you.

[00:02:25]Yeah, thank you. Um, and we've just uh I listen to your show a lot and I always hear you say like putting it on the calendar. Um, so just trying to meet each other's needs and obviously not being pushy about it or anything. Just trying to make it like a once or maybe even twice a month type of deal. um where she knows in advance that, you know, it's coming up and I'm always, you know, checking in to see um how she's feeling, you know, a couple days prior or you know, how she's feeling that day and if you know, I can tell that the the feelings or you know, the um you know, cuz she's in school full-time as well.

[00:03:11]So, it's it's kind of like one of those things. if if I know she's busy, then, you know, I'll just I'll we'll reschedu it or, you know, to the next day or day after, whatever it may be.

[00:03:21]>> Okay. Um, so, uh, before we get to this the actual sex part, I want her to go see a trauma therapist cuz I want her to be free.

[00:03:37]>> Mhm.

[00:03:39]And potentially it will have a dramatic impact on your sexual relationship.

[00:03:46]Sex can become a intimacy builder. It can become a place of stress relief, of fun, of play. But my guess is right now for her um sex is a five alarm fire right in the middle of her chest.

[00:04:03]And so once or twice a week, she loves you enough to grit her teeth and walk through that fire for you. You get what I'm saying?

[00:04:12]>> Yeah.

[00:04:13]>> And I don't want her gritting her teeth.

[00:04:14]>> I don't want to get grit through life.

[00:04:18]>> Right. Did I say once or twice a week? I meant once or twice a month.

[00:04:21]>> That's Yeah, you said it. You said that.

[00:04:23]I said it wrong. Yeah. Once or twice a month.

[00:04:24]>> Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so right now it's about sexual frequency. Right now you're a guy in your 20s and you're like, "Dude, I got married. I thought we were going to be partying all the time." And the thought of it shuts her body down, right?

[00:04:45]Is that fair?

[00:04:46]>> Yeah. And I mean, even when I bring it up, it's it's like I can feel an automatic shift in the environment and everything. Yeah. Okay. So, I want her to go see somebody and she's got to want to do this. And if you present it to her as I want to have more sex, so you need to go do this thing.

[00:05:06]It's not that's not going to work.

[00:05:09]It is, I want you to go do this thing because I want you to have peace inside of your own body, inside of your own skin.

[00:05:18]You get what I'm saying? She has shut off a part of herself out of self-preservation.

[00:05:24]That makes sense.

[00:05:26]>> And man, you're you sound like such an honorable young man. And it's pretty awesome because I've also talked to guys in your in your shoes that accuse, blame, get all puffed up and big and try drag their wives through hell. And you're not that guy. And it's it's honorable. I appreciate you being a good man and trying to love her. Well, >> thank you, sir. And can I also say this?

[00:05:53]It's not wrong to want to have sex with your wife all the time. You're not a you're not a creepy bad guy. Okay?

[00:06:00]That doesn't make you weird either or broken.

[00:06:04]Okay? So, I don't want you to go through life with your head down like I just want to have sex with my wife all the time. That doesn't make you that makes you awesome. Okay.

[00:06:12]>> Thank you. I appreciate that.

[00:06:14]>> Well, like hold your head up, man. like um it's let's take sex off the table because it's so personal and it's so everyone's experiences in their past and in their present and in their like everything gets to be a it's a dynamic and that dynamic is so hard to deal with. Let's get something. I'm going to give an ex a ridiculous example. Okay, just go with me on this. Okay.

[00:06:40]>> You love playing basketball.

[00:06:44]And a long time ago, somebody hurt her really bad on a basketball court. And she's like, "Dude, I'm never going out there again."

[00:06:55]Right. And so you pegging her with a basketball or whatever, like or like, "Let's play. Let's play. It's so fun."

[00:07:01]For her, it's not. Right.

[00:07:03]>> Yeah. The challenge I I want to lay before you is the more like sex in our culture has and it's because of pornography. It's because of social media. It's because of just it's in the air. It's everywhere.

[00:07:18]And it's everywhere, but nobody talks about it in a in a deep and thoughtful way. And so everybody's trying to make it up on the fly here. And sex has become such so performancedriven that when somebody says I don't want this, we just shut I mean it it it's a bomb inside of our chest, right? Because it's like am I not doing it good enough?

[00:07:41]If I did it well enough, wouldn't you want this? Right.

[00:07:45]>> Right.

[00:07:45]>> And so I want you to work hard on not personalizing it.

[00:07:50]>> You can't You won't be able to stop that feeling of are you serious? I'm not that I I did good last time. That feeling will come. It's what you do next with that with with the next right action.

[00:08:01]Okay, that's just that's called emotional maturity. I feel this thing.

[00:08:04]I'm going to go do this next thing.

[00:08:06]Right.

[00:08:08]Are there things y'all have and I'm going to get kind of specific here. So, tell me if you don't want to answer these questions. Are there things y'all do together sexually that she says, "I liked that or I didn't like that." or is the whole the whole engagement uncomfortable for her?

[00:08:27]>> Well, to be honest with you, Dr. John, I have voiced my uh desire to hear what she enjoys. And >> um honestly, the other day she mentioned that she's been going, you know, 20 plus years trying to figure out her body and what she enjoys.

[00:08:48]>> Okay.

[00:08:49]>> Um Yes. So it seems almost like an ongoing battle to try and figure out like what what is good for her cuz I mean you know as a guy it's almost like you know almost anything good.

[00:09:02]>> Exactly. Yes. Exactly. Yes.

[00:09:06]>> Um and good good I mean gosh dude I'd high five her if she was sitting here like good for her for being curious about what do I like what do do I think feels good? What does sound you know whatever. I want you to reframe it not as a battle, but as as an adventure y'all can go on together if she'll have you.

[00:09:24]>> Right.

[00:09:24]>> Right. And that means you being willing to get going and stop.

[00:09:29]That means you being willing to like get all geared up for something and then one or two seconds in she's like, "No, no, no, no, no." Right? And it's you being super kind and gentle and compassionate >> and her having some courage, right? I mean, having like being brave, like I'm going to I'm not going to be ashamed of my body. I'm not going to be ashamed of my past. And that will come through the trauma healing.

[00:09:56]Um, anybody who's experienced childhood sexual abuse, I I mean, I just can't recommend it enough because of the freedom on the other side of that. And what happens here is like what happened to her as a kid happened. There's a period. You can't undo that, >> right?

[00:10:12]>> But your body, you can learn over time that your and sometimes quicker than you think. Sometimes it takes a while, but sometimes it's much quicker than you think that your body can remember that, but it doesn't go back and try to keep you safe in the present.

[00:10:28]You retain you regain this thing called agency, autonomy. I'm driving now.

[00:10:34]And it your whole body goes now. We can start exploring what do we like? What do we not like? What sounds fun? What do we want to have? What kind what do we want to try? that kind of stuff, right?

[00:10:46]>> Yeah.

[00:10:47]>> And even if you if you on your schedule times once or twice a month, like um if y'all can have this conversation with a smile on your face, it's an exploratory conversation, right? It's an adventure. It's not a battle, but a let's put three things on on this night.

[00:11:04]We'll try them.

[00:11:06]You you put three things down. or if the stress building of this thing coming up is too much, ask her if she's into um not anticipating it. It may be in your household for a season. Putting on the calendar actually creates more anxiety.

[00:11:22]>> It's this looming thing that happens, right? Maybe it's being just swept off her feet and taken is something that she loves. Who knows?

[00:11:36]>> But it's definitely something to try.

[00:11:38]It's it's working through it together.

[00:11:40]You get what I'm saying? But man, you're an honorable man and it's good to talk to you.

[00:11:44]>> Yeah, it's been a pleasure, John.

[00:11:46]>> I've got I've got I'm going to say this.

[00:11:47]I said this to the last caller. I'll say it to you. I've got high hopes for you guys.

[00:11:53]>> Thank you, sir.

[00:11:54]>> And you're not a bad husband if you get frustrated. You're not a bad husband if you wish it was 15 times the amount in this season. Like, none of that stuff makes you a bad guy. Okay.

[00:12:04]>> Thank you. I appreciate it. adding your shame on top of what's happening will only make it's not gonna be helpful.

[00:12:09]It's not it's not real. You're a good man, dude.

[00:12:11]>> Thank you, sir.

[00:12:12]>> Cool.

[00:12:14]>> Cool.

[00:12:14]>> All right, my brother. Appreciate the call, dude. Um and if she wants to call me, I'd love to talk to her. She may not know that you called and so but if she does, >> she doesn't yet.

[00:12:22]>> Okay. Uh dude, I'd be honored to talk to her, too. Talk to you both. And um but I can't recommend enough her going to see somebody maybe for the first time, but walking in the door and saying not I want to have more sex with my husband. I want to finally be free from what this family member did to me when I was a kid and I want to regain agency of my own body. And then we'll go from there. And she may never have the libido you have or it may come back in wild fashion. Who knows? Who knows? Um, but let's start with healing first. And dude, God bless you for being a 20some year old guy and seeing that sex begins outside of the bedroom. You're on it, my brother.

[00:13:09]If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it.

[00:13:24]Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.