FOCUS! WHY YOU ARE QUICK TO CUT PEOPLE OFF IN DATING | DR CHEYENNE BRYANT + KAYLA FEARFUL AVOIDANT

Added: 2026-05-26

[00:00:00]active at times. But if a man is not showing up in his commitment or if he's not covering you no matter where he is, even when he's not in your presence, then that's his responsibility to know that when I'm in a relationship, then there are things that are appropriate for me to do.

[00:00:12]>> And part of that is to make sure that my girl, my wife, my woman feels safe no matter where I'm at.

[00:00:17]>> Feel safe. Key words, very important.

[00:00:18]>> And there's a respect level that says, "No matter what I'm doing, I have you in thought."

[00:00:22]>> And if I can't have you in thought, then maybe he's not your Boass.

[00:00:26]>> And I need a Boass. Cuz now what's happening is I'm becoming the avoidant because when you don't answer the third text circle, >> I'm done.

[00:00:32]>> Good luck ever talking to me again. I'll cut somebody off so fast these days, which I don't know is if that's healthy either, though.

[00:00:38]>> But I mean, >> hey guys, welcome to Little Blackbird 91. A quick one again. We're talking about the avoidant perspective here as well. Um, [snorts] and Kayla said something really powerful. She said, "Obviously, I'm quick to cut somebody else off right now. I'm in that place."

[00:00:51]And I want to say this, the way that you dismount is actually really important to show how secure you actually are. Now, a lot of us who are avoidance, I'm an avoidant becoming more secure. The dismount, I'm getting better at it. You know what I mean? But there are some days when someone pisses me off, the dismount, I'm telling you, I'm going to dismantle. Yeah. Um, that's a mark of a secure person where they dismount in a way that is not just a fiery exit. I'm gone or I'm going to ghost or I'm not going to text reply anymore or, you know, I'm just going to disappear into the clouds, right? a secure person's able to have the conversation and if they're if the other person's willing to have the conversation, they're going to dismount correctly. That means maybe we realize we we realize that actually this is not working. I have a conversation with you. I let you know, look, I appreciate I think we've tried to make this work, but this doesn't work for me and I wish you well, right? Then you go about your business. Now, of course, if someone's cheated on you, that's completely different. But in this instance, like she said, the person hasn't text you after the third time.

[00:01:47]You know, I understand that. I can understand why you might bit you're going to be frustrated, pissed off, feeling let down, disappointed. The dismount is important though. The dismount of just trying to cut losses just like that without the conversation can sometimes be an indication that we are not as secure as we like to think.

[00:02:03]Okay. The reality is the reaction is coming from the anxiety that we feel about the scenario and and about rejection, abandonment or betrayal. One of three. And if somebody's not texting you back, what is that? Rejection and abandonment. How do you respond to the anxiety of being rejected or abandoned seemingly in the situation? And that's where secure people are able to regulate themselves and go, you know what, I don't like that. I am disappointed. I am frustrated, but I know better practices.

[00:02:30]I need to have a conversation. I need to let them know and then I need to dismount. Now, they don't allow me to do that. That's slightly different. But if they're willing to have that conversation, I will dismount correctly, not just cut them off. Okay? So I'm I'm an avoidant. So I really know that I know my dismount at certain points can be listen you want to keep on talking shut up and move blood cuz I'm not here to talk to you again. That might be my dismount. That is not a secure perspective. That is me having a go because I'm frustrated and hurt about what you've done and I'm not able to voice that in the correct manner. So because of that I start to feel unregulated and then I begin to talk smack.

[00:03:05]Okay? Right?

[00:03:07]So let's talk a little bit about this and hopefully break this down for you guys in this space because I think this is very important. I already kind of highlighted another video but that I feel like you Dr. Shy and Brian and maybe Kayla too might be a little bit fearful avoidant and and the cut off is really about the cut off behavior is really trying to protect yourself from those feelings and the anxiety right if you cut it off then the pain of the anxiety that you're dealing with of not knowing if it's going to be betrayal rejection or abandonment cuts off right the moment I cut you off is the moment I don't have to deal with that anymore and I seemingly don't have an attachment to you anymore which then makes the pain go away seemingly right and so let's quickly talk about the what Secure responses. A secure response acknowledges the issue. Okay, this is what a secure response will look like.

[00:03:53]They acknowledge the issue. They're going to present their going to they're going to process their feelings, okay?

[00:03:59]By asking themselves questions. What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? What are the emotions? And then they're going to say, "What do I what is it I want?

[00:04:06]What do I need from the situation?"

[00:04:07]Right? Then they're going to present their feelings to the person they're talking to. And then they're going to offer a request. The request is one of the hardest things that most people don't do because when you're insecurely attached, you're used to complaining and not getting your way. The complaint hopefully you can get them to change.

[00:04:22]But really and truly, we have to request. It's different from a complaint. The complaint is you never ever you never answer your phone. That's a complaint. The request is I would like for you to pick up your phone because it helps me feel reassured and connected to you. That's a request. Okay. And then you offer potentially boundaries and consequences. Okay. I would like for you to pick up your phone but you realize actually there needs to be boundaries when you don't pick up your phone and you and you spend eight and eight hours goes by I am worried I am nervous I am anxious and for me this doesn't make me feel emotionally safe so in future what I would like to see is that if I've messaged you that there's an we have a three-hour window you can message me except if your phone is locked away or something right but a three-hour window message me back so I feel also reassured but it also feels like I'm not being abandoned in this moment too right because I haven't heard from you for eight Right? Person may agree, may not agree.

[00:05:14]And what you may need to do is put consequences, right? An elevation. If you are going to do that, then we may have to look at how we actually um connecting because what you'll find is somebody will say, "No, uh yeah, yeah, yeah, I I'll do it. I'll do it." But then 8 hours goes again and they come home like everything's fine. And what you're going what your consequence can be is here is to say, you know what, I appreciate the fact that we we've come back to this conversation again, but unfortunately, I have to put a boundary and a consequence here. So because obviously if you're going to come home after you're if you're going to come and be 8 hours and not message me back, right, I won't be able to connect with you in the way that I would like to connect with you, right? So I'm not going to be happily bubbly, energetic, getting your food ready. I'm going to let you sort that out. Not because I'm punishing you, but I'm letting you be aware that we have to have a consequence now for the the continuation of this behavior. This is a natural consequence.

[00:06:02]It's an elevation. It's not like I'm leaving relationship. It's a elevation because you recognize that you still like the person, blah, blah, blah. But it has to be a a healthy consequence in this situation, right? Um and then what they do is that they honor that change.

[00:06:16]The secure person honors the boundary, honors the consequence in this particular scenario. Okay? All right.

[00:06:23]And by the way, the difference between punishment and consequence often times is the tone and it's the bullishness of the way that you put a thing across.

[00:06:30]Right? Me saying that tonight I won't be able to cook because I I do feel frustrated. I do feel angry. I do feel let down. I'm not going to concentrate on cooking for you and also because you're not answering your phone. It's different from me saying, you know what, you're not getting no food. I'm not cooking for you. Find your own food.

[00:06:45]Now, I'm punishing you. You see, the tone can make a difference as well as the word choice as well as what the action actually is. So, it's not just what you choose to do. It's also how you choose to do it that can also become a punishment rather than a consequence.

[00:06:57]Okay? All right. And if it gets to a point where all the things have been matched and it doesn't go the way it needs to go, then what you're going to look for is if you are if you're going to get rid of them, you're going to dismount correctly. You know what? It's been great and I appreciate the time we spent. I think we've come to a place where I realize we do not align in what we're looking for and how we're looking to how we're looking to create safety within this relationship. I do wish you well. Or you know, you don't that's too far for you. You know what? I want to be able to end the relationship here. Boom.

[00:07:26]That's a good dismount. You've not insulted. You're not cussed. You don't need to get into a fiery blaze. You're not just exiting without having a conversation. The the difference here between a secure response and an avoidant response, remember avoidance, there are two types when it comes to attachment styles. There is the fearful and the dismissive. The two are different. Dismissive is in the name, fearful is in the name. Dismissive avoidance are born out of households that their parents are neglectful of their emotional needs. Right? So where you needed love and affection and care and and warmth, right? Emotionally, someone who cares about you, is spending time with you, likes your likes and hobbies are important to them. There's none of that stuff. It's cold, right?

[00:08:02]It's different. They're emotionally neglected. The fearful avoidant grows up in chaos. So, the two are two different aspects. The fearful avoidant believes love is harmful. Whereas the dismissive avoidant believes that love leads to rejection. So, the two of them are going to react differently to a situ situation like this. The cutoff game is usually a fearful avoidant perspective. They usually go for I'm going to cut you off.

[00:08:24]And the reason is because they're trying to punish you, not because they're the meanest people, but they're trying to almost get their power back because they feel disempowered by your behavior and they're not sure how to get you back in alignment. So now, you know what? I'm cutting you off. And and you know how you know? Because they don't always mean it. So what happens is they come back.

[00:08:44]And I'm not saying the dismissive avoidant is better. No, the dismissive avoidant, you know them because they ghost you. Dismissive avoidance struggle with emotional closeness in a relationship. So the moment they feel like they're being rejected in any shape or form, instead of actually discussing it, what you'll find is somebody who's unhealed, they start to pull away silently slinking into the night and before you know it, your relationship has led to an an arange an arangement.

[00:09:07]And you're like, how did we get here?

[00:09:08]The dismissive avoidant has disappeared.

[00:09:11]That's the difference. And the reason why the the dismissive body is doing that is because he doesn't think that you care enough about his feelings or she doesn't feel like you care about enough about their feelings. The FA is doing it because they're afraid you're going to harm them and betray them. So if you're not texting replying and you're not you're not you're not you're not uh you know messaging them to reassure them. They're thinking, "Okay, cool. I've got to cut you off so I don't feel that pain anymore cuz you're about to betray me now." Right? So they're they're both preemptive strikes. But once you heal and you begin to become more secure and you begin to regulate yourself, you begin to process, understand, and express your emotion and express what you're thinking and feeling and then give a request, you can start to have a conversation. You're willing to listen. You're willing to uh uh uh to dismount correctly. I know myself that I'm not fully there yet. You know, there's certain members of the family, they already know me personally ghosted it, bro. I'm not you you bring too much harm, I'm out. Right? But there's a there's a correct way to dismount and remove oneself, right? Of course, if there's no other option, then yes, of course, you got to remove yourself immediately. But I'm talking about in most cases, that isn't always that isn't always the case, right? And I remember one situation that God showed me about a dismount. I had a dream before this conversation I was about to have with this person, and God will show me this is not the way you have to handle it.

[00:10:24]You have to handle it this way. I said, bro, but the way that the way they're coming at me, bro, I'm going to hand I'm going to struggle to handle it the way you ask me to handle it. Long long story short, I handled it the way that God asked me to. I showed compassion. I showed care. I listened. I asked questions. I gave my point of view, too.

[00:10:41]I showed emotional intelligence because I was able to understand their feeling and their perspective, whether I agreed with it or not. But I also was able to assert myself and tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and what I have uh perceived from this situation.

[00:10:54]That's the level and the mark of emotional intelligence. That's secure responses. That's not me always, okay?

[00:11:00]That's something I have to work towards.

[00:11:02]But I'm saying to you that just cutting someone off right now seems very powerful, very cool and in that space, but it really is the avoidant perspective rather than a secure perspective. The dismount is important.

[00:11:15]But listen, I'm going to leave it there.

[00:11:16]Um, we talk, you know, like I said, we talk about attachment styles in our ebook. Okay? So, it's one of my cutouts here. The anxious attachment, you can see, and I'll go to fearful avoidant as well. All right? Or even dismissive avoidant, I can show you as well. Right?

[00:11:29]And this all talks about the behaviors.

[00:11:31]Dismiss avoidant, withdrawing during emotional moments, minimizing emotions.

[00:11:35]Resentment builds silently because of resentment. They slink away and ghost.

[00:11:38]Fearful avoidance. You see them testing, hypervigilance, pushpull cycles. Um, and I think the fourth one, I can't even see it. So, if in that space, but yeah. So, these behaviors are exhibited by the attachment style. And they're doing that because they're trying to wrestle back some level of power. They're trying to show you. They're trying to show they're trying to they're trying to uh make sense of their safety. They don't feel emotionally safe. Um and so these behaviors exhibit themselves because of beliefs and core wounds. But that's another story for another day. Um I hope you guys like, share, subscribe, click on that bell button for notification of uploads. And uh yeah, leave a comment down below whether you agree, disagree, or you have different sentiments. Maybe you've gone through something similar.

[00:12:17]Maybe you're working on the fact that you know what, you cut people off too easily.

[00:12:22]Leave us your thoughts down below. Love to hear your experience and uh chat in the comment section. T