Why I Didn’t Want to Go Home Today: Dealing with Loneliness #ellensmile #realtalk #grief

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]I stopped and watched the kids do the unified kids uh do theater and I thought it was nice. I left a little early and I'm getting I hate to say I'm getting anxious. I think today um my title was uh I just didn't want to go home and I just really don't. It's 3:51 and I should go home. I got a hundred things I probably have to do and uh I just don't want to.

[00:00:28]You know.

[00:00:30]Just stinks, you know.

[00:00:32]Uh I was just talking to someone. I She has her mom. She lives with her parents and I'm like do they cook? And she said, "Yeah." I said, "I miss that." I miss that. You know what I mean? How are you?

[00:00:42]New Times New Beginnings, uh the Nicole 13, Amias, uh Art Tribe. Hi Amias, how are you? Hi, how are you Fuzzy?

[00:00:53]Uh Adventures 2 and the Nickels 13. How I thank you everybody for coming. I appreciate it. Uh I just got Ni- Nicole Dow, how are you? I just got out of work. I Well, actually I got out of work before. I just didn't want to I don't want to go home.

[00:01:10]It's just so lonely in there in the in the apartment. I'm just like I got to do something and I I mean my life is good.

[00:01:17]Um yesterday I went to physical therapy.

[00:01:19]At physical therapy uh I went on my range of motion was 119.

[00:01:25]But, that was with uh like a band that I had used. Doing it by myself just taking my knee and bending it uh I got to 110 still.

[00:01:36]Uh also uh they said that I had uh scar tissue and they said to go around in a circle like a clock and just keep doing that and then go east to west going this way with the scar. I guess to lower it to make it go away. I don't think it goes away. But, uh with the scar it actually is keeping me from movement cuz it cuz of it. But, uh yeah. So, that's it.

[00:02:01]Let me see who's here.

[00:02:03]Uh I have already had said hello to Nicole Dow 323.

[00:02:08]Amias, how are you? Says, "I'm nervous."

[00:02:10]Oh, no.

[00:02:11]Uh Nicole Dow says, "I'm good. How are you?" I'm doing good. And Tracy says, "Hello Ellen. Happy Tuesday." Um I know you said that Oh, you have an appointment. I thought it was Wednesday, but it's Thursday.

[00:02:23]Uh I hope it all goes well, Amias. I'm praying for you, hon. I'm nervous. I know. I know. Uh I had my blood work and uh I went down a little. My permanent that my it's looking better, my numbers.

[00:02:35]I'm like, "That's good." So, uh yeah.

[00:02:38]So, that's it on me. I have uh I emailed my uh surgeon and said that I'm not doing with and without contrast. I'm going to do no contrast. We're good. Um I'm just going to let my body heal and I don't know whether I said, "Well, what do you think?" Well, he's like, "I'm not giving him a choice." I didn't tell him that, but I was really really nice with it. Hopefully it works. But, yeah. I hope everybody's doing well. Thank you everybody for stopping by. Um I got out of work and I'm I Remember I told you I said there's dark days with Steve. I was fine all day.

[00:03:10]Uh if you don't know who Steve is, Steve is my husband. He had passed uh last uh March uh 20th. And for some reason, I don't know what it is, I have this thing like a gut. It's not anxiety, but it's something that just overwhelms me that I probably can call I'm not going to cry, but it's just overwhelming.

[00:03:30]And I I really don't want to go home to an empty house. And it's such a beautiful day. The wind is blowing and they say it's in the 80s. I don't know if it is. Let me check my car.

[00:03:43]Uh Talking about my car, I have to go uh on a Saturday. I got to get up 8:00 in the morning. That makes me try to see what the temperature is.

[00:03:53]Usually it tells me.

[00:03:54]It's 84°. So, it is hot, but it's not hot in my car because of the the wind.

[00:04:00]It's absolutely beautiful.

[00:04:02]Uh you can see the wind blowing from out there. I don't know what's going on if it's going to be a storm, but uh Uh Tracy, thank you. It says, "Please like the family." Thank you. I love the blue. Thank you so much. Thank you.

[00:04:17]Um I appreciate that. I Yeah, I just got out of work uh and there is over there.

[00:04:24]Uh I'm doing good though. There is nothing really else happening. I got to switch it now.

[00:04:31]So, that's it. I ordered Oh, gosh. I ordered last night a bicycle stationary bike that my brother's daughter had really done a lot of investigation. He's had it for a couple years and um I ordered it. So, it's coming. So, uh hopefully that'll help me because I really feel that my knee feels so much better after physical therapy cuz I use a bicycle.

[00:04:54]Uh I was doing the physical therapy for 3 days a week. I'm down to two uh because it's really just the not enough time and uh they give you like so many Uh-oh, please use the What does it say? Please use a system.

[00:05:07]I don't know what that is.

[00:05:11]Is my car on?

[00:05:15]I feel like my car is on, but my keys off.

[00:05:22]Maybe somebody else has their car on.

[00:05:27]Is that crazy or what?

[00:05:34]Let me put my car No, it's not me. I just put my car on. Somebody has their car on.

[00:05:38]But, I don't know who it is. I think it's maybe next door. I don't know.

[00:05:42]Odd. Very very odd. Uh why you feel annoyed? Oh, I'm not annoyed. I'm just sad because I go to an empty house. My husband passed away and um there's an empty void in my heart.

[00:05:57]>> [laughter] >> If you can understand that. It's like you're with somebody for over 37 years and then they're gone.

[00:06:05]You know, that's all I can say.

[00:06:07]Uh let me go back here.

[00:06:13]Uh let me go back. Let me find it.

[00:06:16]And also it says Amias says, "I've been in lots of pain today unfortunately."

[00:06:21]Oh, I'm so sorry. And I'm sure you have to be careful what you take because of your kidneys. So, it's just like you have to deal with it. Life with Tash Ria, how are you? Hello. Hello. Hello.

[00:06:29]Hello.

[00:06:31]Um Tracy says, "Amias, uh sending loving healing prayers." Yes, if we can just all say a prayer for Amias. She is going to the uh doctor on Thursday for her kidneys and I pray that it all works out cuz I know you last time they were supposed to do surgery and then they couldn't do it and they might remove your kidney and my prayers are with you, hon. I love you and I want the best and please just protect her, heal her and have the best doctors everybody that's going to look at her.

[00:07:04]Uh just I hear you and I feel bad that you were in pain today.

[00:07:09]Uh Tracy says, "Hello everyone."

[00:07:13]Uh have a son Shawl. And And if I messed it up, I'm sorry. I can't really see. Says, "Hello.

[00:07:22]How are you?" I'm doing good. I am doing Can I ask?

[00:07:29]I don't know what that is and we're good.

[00:07:32]But, I'm not you know, I I'm a uh Amias, I'm not sad.

[00:07:38]I don't really getting anything because of the kidney. Yeah, I know. I hear you.

[00:07:43]Cuz I was in pain yesterday. I went to bed early. I went to bed around like 8:30. I was so tired or 8:00 I tried to and um my son woke me up and I've been It was like a terrible night. I just had a bad day yesterday. It just I was just really really tired between walking to two schools and doing everything. Uh I I didn't feel I really didn't.

[00:08:06]Uh Zumba, we don't You know what?

[00:08:10]Don't [snorts] even acknowledge it because what happens is I don't care if they say whatever. I'm going to ignore it because after I do my shout-outs and look at your channel, I shut off the comments. So, nobody really knows what they say.

[00:08:25]Uh you know, so So, we're good, but thanks. I appreciate you looking after me. I appreciate that.

[00:08:31]Love you. Really do. Uh Amias, you're going to love the picture.

[00:08:41]Uh And am I at Yes, I am at 8 minutes. I made it to 8 minutes, Tracy. I made it.

[00:08:49]Let me here so I can give the shout-outs.

[00:08:53]Uh Amias, Amias Art Tribe, uh Tracy's Local Learnings, Nicole Dow 323, new new Tongo Swami 599, Life with Tash Ria, New Times New Beginnings, Fuzzy Adventures and the Nickels 13 and the person who stood up for me. I got to get you.

[00:09:18]Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

[00:09:21]Uh Zumba, 305 Zumba, thank you so much. I appreciate you. I love everybody. And I want everybody to have a good day. You know, we have our good days. We have our bad days. And sometimes our bad days, you know, we just really just have to fight through it and just not go into the rabbit hole. We need to be successful and uh if it has to be day by day, minute by minute, that's what I'm doing right now.

[00:09:46]Um It's hard.

[00:09:51]But, I'm not going to cry.

[00:09:53]>> [laughter] >> All All I'm going to go, but I want to thank everybody. God bless you all. I love you and thank you all for coming uh to my live. Please hit the like button. God bless you all. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh, Zumba.

[00:10:08]305 Zumba.

[00:10:10]Thank you. You know, thank you so much. I I appreciate that.

[00:10:14]I was just about to leave. But Zumba, I I appreciate you. Thank you so much.

[00:10:20]That melts my heart. You're going to make me cry.

[00:10:25]I appreciate that. I really, really do.

[00:10:27]I'm having a hard day.

[00:10:29]And to feel appreciated by someone is nice.

[00:10:32]>> [laughter] >> But thank you, Zumba 305 Zumba.

[00:10:39]I have marked knuckles.

[00:10:42]>> [laughter] >> All right, everybody. Everybody sees me cry. Oh, I don't cry a lot. All right, sometimes I cry, but I just that was so sweet of you and I do appreciate that.

[00:10:54]I I live in the States.

[00:10:57]Uh Tracy's giving hearts.

[00:10:59]Zumba, it's okay. I send you super chat.

[00:11:01]Thank you so much for the super chat, Zumba. You You didn't have to do that.

[00:11:07]I appreciate it. I really, really appreciate it. And uh you melt my heart.

[00:11:15]Really do.

[00:11:16]Thank you.

[00:11:21]Taylor says, "Hey."

[00:11:23]Uh new tongue I'm crying because Oh my gosh, Zumba. No more. No more.

[00:11:32]It's okay. Zumba, thank you for the super chat, but you don't have to do anything. I'm just blessed that you're here supporting my channel. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

[00:11:42]See this.

[00:11:43]God bless you.

[00:11:45]Zumba, I I mean that with all sincerity.

[00:11:47]I'm just I'm just crying because like it's hard sometimes.

[00:11:54]And I was having a I walked out talking to somebody and I was just like, you know, people I hate to see they finish last cuz they don't, but uh I was just having a moment.

[00:12:07]>> [laughter] >> But I thank you. I really, really do.

[00:12:14]God bless you. I mean that with all sincerity.

[00:12:17]But >> [snorts] >> we're good.

[00:12:18]>> [laughter] [sighs] >> And that's it.

[00:12:24]Taylor, thank you. Says you're gorgeous.

[00:12:26]Thank you. I don't feel like it, but thank you so much.

[00:12:29]>> [sighs] >> And uh >> [laughter] [gasps] >> I think I'm I'm going to go now cuz I'm like really upset.

[00:12:39]But I appreciate you all.

[00:12:41]You know, I appreciate everybody coming here. I really, really do. God bless you all.

[00:12:47]And have a blessed day and and and Zumba, thank you again for the super chat. I love I appreciate you.

[00:12:54]Thank you so much. Bye-bye, hon.