'The Vampire Lestat' is INSUFFERABLE

[00:00:00]3 2 1 It's like a suicide Suicide Squad ass opening.

[00:00:06]>> Okay, that was Ronald, that was Daniel, some white [ __ ] we don't know yet. Oh, there's there's our exceptional negro.

[00:00:13]Hopefully haunting the narrative.

[00:00:15]>> Why do they keep shoving him shoving him down our throat? Like honestly.

[00:00:19]>> Oh, what happened to little baby face uh >> He's got the [ __ ] iPad. Shoot, it's like a pirate supermodel. What the [ __ ] >> have gotten himself a taste of the Kill Bill. Why is this [ __ ] looking?

[00:00:33]Wait, did he just get a foot though? Are you expecting me to believe that what happened after you said, "Come and get me.

[00:00:39]I'm the I'm the vampire Louis de Pointe du Lac who hold the lock. I'll fight you." Was that you lost a leg, [ __ ] >> Yeah, cuz that doesn't bode well for him. That is That makes him look like a [ __ ] Just At least you What the [ __ ] I expected to spend some money on something that was going to use. Another season of the shrive, I'm out of here. They were really trying to make the Talamasca thing. I don't give a single [ __ ] about glasses, dude.

[00:01:07]>> They're still going forward with those things. They're still consigned to put on six different series that are connected to this [ __ ] >> If you are hearing this now, you must be a very privileged individual. You could have fed a small nation for years while they paved over the rubble.

[00:01:23]>> Like how many years in the future is this where his [ __ ] is like his memorabilia cost that much money? Yeah, this is like a secret underground auction it looks like. So, they probably know he's a vampire. This probably isn't a part of the general public.

[00:01:38]>> And now, for your musical entertainment and sexual pleasure, ghouls, gals, bag hags, and [ __ ] bags, [laughter] please introduce yourself to THE STAFF. [screaming] >> PERFECT TIMING.

[00:01:55]>> [laughter] >> OH, YEAH, I'M COMING >> [screaming] >> [ __ ] HOW many times you going to be coming all over the town now?

[00:02:06]>> I'm going into my vampire dressing room now.

[00:02:10]It's draining both ways. You'll have to guess who gets the fangs and who gets the vodka bottle.

[00:02:16]And yes, it's a vodka bottle.

[00:02:19]>> But I like Sam Reid, but like the show was written, they just gayified this character way too much.

[00:02:26]>> Like I told you, this was the [ __ ] that we were waiting for.

[00:02:29]>> And I'm impressed. [laughter] >> Did I invent Vampire Lestat or is Daniel Malloy's fictitious creation? And Vampire Lestat the band was fronted by a brick laying karaoke fanatic from Ostrava. Nothing but a desperate cash grab at the end of a chuggy vampire fad.

[00:02:42]>> Now, do we the narration?

[00:02:45]Can't you just show cuz you I'm pretty sure they're going to show how he met the [ __ ] band in the first place, so why do we even need this [ __ ] >> They're out there talking about >> Is it true you were a stutterer as a child?

[00:03:01]Louis said you were.

[00:03:02]>> Oh, you pressed the Louis button.

[00:03:03]>> Was he there in 18th century Ovet? He said you told him that. Did I threaten Claudia with rape on a train?

[00:03:09]Was I in the room when Donizetti wrote Don Pasquale?

[00:03:13]No. No. And impossible because I had buried myself underground for the vast majority of the 1800s.

[00:03:20]>> what he told me.

[00:03:21]>> I can't stand this [ __ ] >> Oh, Louis lied about the Why would he lie about like a little stupid [ __ ] like that?

[00:03:27]>> Yeah, wouldn't it be more important to assert that those lies would have been interjections by the man who was actively lying about him seeing you, hearing you, thinking about you, trying to keep them all to himself?

[00:03:40]>> Facts are irrelevant.

[00:03:42]>> Facts are irrelevant, just like lore and source material.

[00:03:48]>> Water moving in on them.

[00:03:50]>> We get it, he's a rock star and gay.

[00:03:52]Like, do we need the full ass shot?

[00:03:55]>> He's almost too gay to function.

[00:03:57]>> It's nice.

[00:03:58]>> Nice.

[00:03:59]>> Yeah, it's nice.

[00:04:00]>> Why are you still talking to this [ __ ] >> Louis, do you know someone called Daniel Molloy?

[00:04:07]>> Uh >> I burned his laptop. I didn't know he had it saved in the cloud. I only found out it was coming out a month ago.

[00:04:13]>> for a month and you talk about me in it for more than a month.

[00:04:16]>> Louis, why are you Why are you Exactly, why are you trying to >> [laughter] >> You didn't You didn't sit down with this [ __ ] and lay out your entire life that's allegedly fabricated.

[00:04:26]>> But baby cakes, sweet lumps, I thought I broke that [ __ ] I thought I threw it out the window. I thought I threw it at his [ __ ] LAPTOP OUT THE CAR. I broke his legs and I told him not to put the [ __ ] out and he did it anyways.

[00:04:37]What is he, a chicken head?

[00:04:38]>> All right. I know what infinite decimal means.

[00:04:40]>> How comes the part where it says >> Sam Reid is going to be reacting to every single bit and we get to see the other side of what they all [ __ ] wanted.

[00:04:48]Which was >> Was this real? Did that really happen?

[00:04:52]Did he really feel that way?

[00:04:54]>> Yeah, we're really doing this [ __ ] again.

[00:04:57]>> We spent two seasons and we're done. Get past the [ __ ] book, you little troglodyte [ __ ] >> My memory's unreliable or I could be lying out of out of pettiness. Get the [ __ ] out of here.

[00:05:11]>> Let me tell you one thing that gets me more angry than the [ __ ] really hot and angry than than Ruby in a [ __ ] swimsuit and that's someone hitting a shot. What the hell F? Make no mistake about this shot, F. YOU [ __ ] [laughter] [ __ ] >> HOW LUCKY WAS HE THAT THEY HAD AN EXTRA guitar that he could demonstrate on?

[00:05:29]>> This isn't 1979. Bela Lugosi is not there. You don't need to finger her for five bars.

[00:05:35]You're hurting her.

[00:05:36]>> I honestly like his introduction better in the movie.

[00:05:39]>> Who the hell are you, man?

[00:05:40]>> The question provoked an irresistible urge.

[00:05:44]>> I am the vampire Lestat.

[00:05:49]>> Hi Poppy.

[00:05:50]>> Who the [ __ ] said what?

[00:05:52]>> [laughter] >> I'm sorry, I was not ready for that.

[00:05:59]>> [cheering] >> All the fat [ __ ] watching the show are like, "It should have been Oh, yes, cuz it's real important that we have non-binary vampire for comic.

[00:06:13]>> I'm too old versions, I'm afraid. But please do send my most sincere bonjour to your brat nourish come.

[00:06:22]>> Hey, don't look at me.

[00:06:23]>> Why are they doing like a cheap edit that I would usually do in my videos?

[00:06:27]How are you affected by drugs? You don't even have a brain, like a working brain at least.

[00:06:34]>> That's taking all of your edits. Oh my god.

[00:06:36]>> Oh, stop this [ __ ] >> The normally confining architecture and a thrift store cover.

[00:06:42]>> Also, are we just going to glaze over the fact that he mentioned very frequently that he has the blood of Akasha? Like it's a [ __ ] one-off in my >> It's the queen the I was like the queen of all vampires and it's like, "Oh yeah, yeah, drinks some blood once, whatever."

[00:06:56]>> I think there was an after party on the [ __ ] floor.

[00:06:58]>> I don't think I'm miss what you're thinking miss.

[00:07:00]>> Dude, the motion [laughter] of the That was kind of Okay, wait, wait, that was kind of decent special That was kind of effective, but that was also gay as [ __ ] I'm sorry.

[00:07:08]>> But I don't like the idea of Dan >> the [ __ ] floor.

[00:07:11]>> I don't I don't like this [ __ ] >> Damn, dude. Old man Dan coming in only as he can, making Lestat into a good little Shabbos [ __ ] vampire. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You're going to make the Jew a bunch of money. Yes, you do.

[00:07:29]And somehow in a reversal, we kill the black vampire last.

[00:07:33]>> I also don't like the fact that they found this out so early. Why do you expose plot points in episode one?

[00:07:42]>> After my vampire nature was revealed to the band and my vampire gift winged me away north of the river south of the country.

[00:07:50]>> I'm going to go out on a limb and say he can't possibly be a father.

[00:07:58]And certainly not your maker.

[00:08:00]>> I like what you've done with your hair, my Gabrielle.

[00:08:04]>> Like he Wait. Wait. Wait.

[00:08:06]Is blood mother or like did she adopt him or something?

[00:08:10]>> Yes.

[00:08:11]>> His blood What? What?

[00:08:13]>> My maker called for his mama and I came.

[00:08:16]>> See, now we're on some Alabama [ __ ] >> OH, [laughter] THAT'S THE BIG WAIT.

[00:08:20]>> THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE him do the [ __ ] half next episode [ __ ] >> Oh, this is going to get really bad really fast. Holy [ __ ] >> Oh, wow. This >> [laughter] >> What it looks like one of them shits from Twilight.

[00:08:34]>> Oh, yes.

[00:08:36]>> Daniel Louis says, "Well, Dan the man, what I think of it is that if anybody's converted by this season of entertainment, they do not know what television is. That's what I >> I think peo- I think people are going to watch up until the Akasha [ __ ] And if it doesn't impress, people they're just going to say [ __ ] this show, honestly.

[00:08:56]Because as crappy as the Queen of the Damned movie was, and it was, the soundtrack still pulled people in and Aaliyah pulled people in. So, if they don't get that [ __ ] right, I think a lot of the casuals, you know, like they don't have to They don't have to be book readers or anything, but they they've been around with the movies and everything. All the casuals are going to like fall off the face of the earth earth where this show is concerned.

[00:09:22]>> So, so so let's let's put this in let's put this in perspective in totality, right? Season 1 and season 2 is the telling of this life story and all of the context behind the great roles and great laws and the ongoing drama between Louie Loose Butt Cheeks and Lestat Longdick, you also now have personal history from [ __ ] What How many [ __ ] names did he call himself?

[00:09:51]I don't [ __ ] care.

[00:09:53]Uh Fake Rashid.

[00:09:56]Fake I What What What What What What was it? [ __ ] What was the [ __ ] name? Something that started with an A. Like I'm a I'm a I'm a something. Um I'm a fake Fake Homofaggot.

[00:10:08]>> [laughter] >> I'm a I'm a [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> I'm a Fake Homofaggot um Armand.

[00:10:17]Out of [ __ ] nowhere.

[00:10:18]Um choosing to to our best knowledge, Honey Dick for How many years did he say he was alive?

[00:10:26]He said it was like 275.

[00:10:29]Take a few of those years away because he lived some of that time with Louie, a 100-and-some-odd-year-old vampire. No, Louie has to be long He has to be older than that, actually. But let's say 300. Let's use a clean round number of 300. A 300-year-old vampire living since the time of slavery in Iberville and Storyville and various places of historic French Quarter, Louisiana.

[00:10:57]Seasons 1 and 2 was first the incorrect recollections and then the correct memory-based recollections of a 300-year-old vampire recalling his early life, his human life, his vampire life, the making of his pseudo-daughter, which apparently he was a lot more of a [ __ ] during, and his refined recountings of everything he did before, during, and after the parts that he considered to be the most important to his origin story. And season 3 is instead you making Dan the man the Dan the fair man Malloy into a vampire, skipping all the parts that involved ever putting the devil's minion on camera and on tape, hinting to a future that happens at some point after he begs them to come [ __ ] with him, and afterwards someone takes Armand's eye, takes Louis's leg, and assumptively somewhere, assuming he's not just, you know, yucking it the [ __ ] up with whatever this version of Akasha is, Armand's life, excuse me, Lestat's life, he sells the recording of his failures, and this recording of the failures is the entirety of the content of season 3.

[00:12:21]So, we're recontextualizing we are recontextualizing yet again the story arc of everything involved these characters, and we're going to use the original author himself as the contextual piece of this vampire overture.

[00:12:42]One that involves the real accounts and the internal personal thoughts of Lestat, while at the same time going the ongoings from the beginning of the founding of the band, wherever the [ __ ] they go from here, and all that rest of the [ __ ] that's in happened in part after. And we learn before the episode ends, before randomly deciding to get it on with his own [ __ ] biological mother, that he turned his own mom, and he is hitting the same vagina he came out of.

[00:13:15]First of all, I'd like to begin with a very with a very earthly and hardly [ __ ] >> Uh I want to know what the [ __ ] like happened here. Like how did that come to be? Like, you raised this child from birth.

[00:13:30]And you saw him as a child Like, I don't What the [ __ ] You would being a vet You're all You already made looking gay look gross.

[00:13:40]And now you going to just go straight into incest. Like, what? I don't even know if that was even in the book. Was it?

[00:13:47]>> I'm going to go ahead and say no. And for context, I feel like this season we're going to be watching a lot of crossover content from the main of Eventide cuz I swear if anybody has the answer, it is definitely Lysa. Cuz what you said was correct. The casual viewers are going to be watching this watching for whatever drama they expect to get from the drama bits. And the [ __ ] hags, the [ __ ] hags are feeding.

[00:14:13]They suffered through [ __ ] period piece story and they ate up what they could get there, the [ __ ] crumbs off the plate so they could [ __ ] dine at the smorgasbord of this sneeze guard salad bar.

[00:14:25]But the actual book readers, the book readers are in hell.

[00:14:29]This is purgatory.

[00:14:31]>> [laughter] >> Episode one was purgatory. And every episode of this season is going to be another circle of hell they have to suffer. And that right there acid trip doesn't even describe >> I mean, I think I mean, I think I think we need to differentiate between the book readers, the people who actually like who appreciate the source material and the ones who just who read it and don't give a [ __ ] if anyone changes the whole thing or not. Like, the shills, the book reading shills.

[00:15:01]>> Well, there's obvious differentiate differentiation, right? Because how many times and how many comment sections of your videos have people been telling us that we both one, don't get it and two, why does Karl react like that? Why does he act gay like that? Why does he think like that? And listen, we're we're here now.

[00:15:19]>> You're getting You're getting out some You're getting out some some grievances, I see.

[00:15:24]>> [laughter] >> No. No. Well, yes. Yes. Yes.

[00:15:29]But, no. See, my problem has always been Listen, the book is the book, the film is the film.

[00:15:36]If you really care about those projects, you better get a hard copy of a physical edition or burn you something off a [ __ ] internet skinemax because whatever the [ __ ] they do in the show, it is not for you. No. No. No. Box two is not for you. We're not going to get a passionate one-to-one as close as possible reinterpretation with better special effects that most of us have learned to potentially forward to in content. No. No. No. What we're about to get is about to be the slime [ __ ] that they were promised when they originally put this show down, right?

[00:16:10]Cuz I've been telling you guys this [ __ ] You've been telling me this [ __ ] after the episodes. But, they went on for six series, not episodes, not seasons. A six-series interpretation of several different books involving Anne Rice. They had the maker, which is That was one. And they're also in their own season two.

[00:16:31]Don't even know if they have Alexandra Daddario anymore, but that [ __ ] show was tits up and it was horrible. Then, you have Interview with the Vampire, which includes season one and season two. And despite being hinted at as though it is a third season of this, The Vampire Lestat is three.

[00:16:49]There is another series that's called something, but it starts with the Talamasca.

[00:16:55]>> Yeah, the Talamasca. It's just called the Talamasca.

[00:16:58]>> Okay. And that is basically a guy, a white guy, if I remember correctly from the one epis- two one two episodes I scanned, a white guy that basically is Bella, but in reverse. Instead of mental shielding, he has telepathy. And he begins to learn how deep in the [ __ ] he is with his organization while dealing with a vampire who clues him in on the fact that mental projection is a two-way street and basically acts as a further presser of the lore behind the series.

[00:17:27]So, that one guy there that we saw, the [ __ ] DJ who's actually a member from the Vampire Theatre or rather the theater of Dulan van van Pier, that is their deep pockets crossover. So, that's four things already. That means there are two other shows that the will produce that they are contracted just like [ __ ] Adi Shankar with Netflix to make. And just like with Adi Shankar, they are trying to make their version of these shows fetch. Now, those of you, I don't know if you [ __ ] here watched my reviews of that [ __ ] but I'm going to give you a brief overview.

[00:18:05]When you hire someone as a steward, cuz that's what the [ __ ] Gabo with his [ __ ] white hair is supposed to be, a steward of your franchise material.

[00:18:16]When you hire somebody like him or Adi to write something, to make something, you're creating a piece of a version of content for a different audience, all right? So, let's look at the thing that like Netflix, the Netflix audience that's watching One Piece, the Netflix what audience that was watching both Riverdale and also The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, made by the same guy. Um, the guys that are watching and making Netflix's One Piece, and they literally hired people that are friends of friends because they wanted to.

[00:18:47]All of that [ __ ] is recontextualization.

[00:18:49]Everything we've been watching is recontextualization for the purposes of entertaining only themselves because they don't care about book accuracy. They care about clicks and views, and they use those views that have been going down steadily almost 1/2 to 3/4 every single season and every single episode only to pick up on the penultimate episode to to waver in the dog [ __ ] on the final episode because they followed this course for the first season, they followed this course for the second season, even followed that course for the first season of the Mayfair Witches.

[00:19:22]They are losing audience members and the number one reason why isn't just the dog [ __ ] that they're that they promised you, which is the homosexuality and the gayness and the queerness and the re- the rewriting and the blah blah blah blah. It's the lore, the lore, the lore, dummy, the lore. Your own show doesn't follow its own lore. So, when Carl when Pascal threw himself into a [ __ ] frenzy screaming at the top of his lungs, running down the sunroom of my hallway and back again to my bedroom, when [ __ ] uh forgetting her name now, but she's she she she belongs to uh she belongs to um what's-his-face that's making Avatar now. She she jumped off >> James Cameron >> Yeah, she belongs to James Cameron as a Cameron girl now. But, when Bailey Bass was presenting as that daughter of Ares whose name is slipping my mind, when they introduced her and introduced her character that way, that was them choosing to do the same thing that they just did in this episode.

[00:20:26]Which was adding that recontextualization and then also deciding to make and then forget and abuse their own [ __ ] lore.

[00:20:34]So, when Carl was being autistic about his mother's home state in town and ancestral home, that's because all of these things as written by Anne, regardless of her change to Christianity, came from her going to the places, learning of the [ __ ] history of the place and its mysticism, and then writing something based on that lore.

[00:20:59]That's why all the series all introduce and intertwine with each other because it's basically cast members in cameos crossing over in a real universe. That was the promise. Remember the dumbass opening that was before every single episode of the Interview with a Vampire, the immortal universe? The rules of the immortal universe are not immortalized and they are very, very mutable. They're very mutable like a girl on drugs who said, "I've never had sex with a girl before." and then is licking you down like a [ __ ] popsicle to the sound of Peter Griffin saying, "Extra, extra, extra." and eating out babes.

[00:21:37]And apparently Lestat does the same [ __ ] with his own mom. Gabrielle. Once again, [ __ ] you. There's no joke I could have made that would have disgusted me as much as that side. That's the point.

[00:21:48]That's the problem. That's the problem I had since day one. The problem that we've been introducing ourselves with, what we've been scoping out since the first season has been the slow wreck train of what happens when people who don't actually care about the product decide to write fan fiction. And what happens with that fan fiction doesn't even follow its own rules. Hell, it's happening to Addy and Netflix knows how [ __ ] that is. They have to produce the [ __ ] that he made. They're taking the credibility of Sam Reid as the vampire Lestat and they're milking it for everything it's worth.

[00:22:18]>> Yeah, no. As good as he is, he cannot carry the show on his back. Everything is so much [ __ ] Anyway, we're out of here, guys, cuz like I said, my earbuds are losing power.

[00:22:28]And I know if I let Carl keep talking, he's going to be very loud in this in this hotel lobby.

[00:22:33]>> No, no, no.

[00:22:34]>> So good.

[00:22:35]>> I Ironically enough, I'm all talked out.

[00:22:37]I'm done.

[00:22:37]>> Well, goodbye, everybody.

[00:22:40]And farewell.

[00:22:42]Hopefully we'll be back in time for the next episode.

[00:22:45]>> [music] [music] [music] >> Mhm.