Finding Daddy | Comedy Short Film starring Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]One of Dad's businesses actually worked out, and he's Filthy rich now. Let's find him. Absolutely not.

[00:00:18]Dear [ __ ] diary, you piece of [ __ ] The time [music] has come for me to end it all.

[00:00:30]Your pages are likely tired of hearing me moan of the drudgery that is my pathetic existence. In fact, I've had three pens die out prematurely because even they are tired of dictating my [music] endless meandering qualms.

[00:00:45]Yes, sweet relief any day now.

[00:00:49]But first, one last lay.

[00:00:53]I imagine it's pretty easy these days, all with the online dating and apps.

[00:00:58]I may not be a 10, but I'm a five when I've showered, and that's enough for most men when all they want is a mindless shag.

[00:01:05]Yes, I'll end it [music] any day now.

[00:01:08]But first, Looking for a Catholic queen to bear my children.

[00:01:17]No one compares to my mother, but you can try. Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns.

[00:01:23]I'd like to treat my ladies real good.

[00:01:26]That's all I find pleasure these days.

[00:01:29]I want to pay for your stunning hair do, gorgeous gown, or cosmetic procedures.

[00:01:36]Maybe I'll pay your rent. Call me your sugar daddy. Call me your sugar >> Dad?

[00:02:08]>> Hi, Dinky.

[00:02:09]Dad's on a dating app.

[00:02:15]Okay. Um I mean, sure, that's that's gross, but Mom's been dead for 3 years. Who cares?

[00:02:26]No, listen. He's on this app looking to be like a sugar daddy.

[00:02:32]He's on here saying he'll pay for their hair, clothing, cosmetic procedures?

[00:02:41]>> [snorts] >> Okay, but Dad makes a hobby out of lying. He's probably full of [ __ ] What if he isn't?

[00:02:50]Dinky?

[00:02:51]I am just weeks away from eviction, and that parasite >> And my small intestines, well, it's it's not getting any better.

[00:02:59]What if one of Dad's businesses actually worked out and he's filthy rich now? I don't know, Dinky. It seems unlikely.

[00:03:07]Let's find him. Absolutely not.

[00:03:11]>> [music] >> It's weird seeing this place again.

[00:03:29]Yeah.

[00:03:30]Looks the same, but shittier?

[00:03:35]I guess Mom was the one keeping this place together.

[00:03:39]I haven't been back since she killed herself.

[00:03:42]Killed herself?

[00:03:46]All right.

[00:03:48]Let's see if Daddy has any money.

[00:04:20]Yeah, I'm thinking I lost you.

[00:04:36]I'm ashamed it's been so long.

[00:04:40]>> [cough] [clears throat] [snorts] >> Well, you know, the older you get, the easier it is for time to slip by.

[00:04:51]What the [ __ ] happened to your throat?

[00:04:54]Cancer happened.

[00:04:56]Cancer of the larynx.

[00:04:59]I spent half my childhood telling you to quit smoking.

[00:05:03]The cancer treatment, was it expensive?

[00:05:08]Insurance helped a bit.

[00:05:10]>> [sighs] >> What's wrong, Flossie? Not happy to see me?

[00:05:19]Do you have any idea how we've been suffering?

[00:05:23]No, uh suffering how?

[00:05:26]I thought you had a job.

[00:05:28]Everyone knows a job doesn't pay the bills.

[00:05:31]Flossie, is that true? You always were the sensible one.

[00:05:36]It's true.

[00:05:38]We can't even afford tampons.

[00:05:42]Then how do you >> bleed.

[00:05:49]Listen.

[00:05:53]Daddy. Why are you calling me that? We know about your little dating profile.

[00:06:01]Listen, about that, I I uh It was all a bunch of lies.

[00:06:08]I mean, I don't have anything. I just uh I don't have much time left.

[00:06:15]And I just wanted a little female attention.

[00:06:21]You know, and maybe even a few titty photos.

[00:06:26]That's disgusting.

[00:06:28]Yeah, I know.

[00:06:30]Look at the three of us.

[00:06:32]All with varying degrees of hopelessness.

[00:06:36]>> [snorts] >> Your mother would be beside herself.

[00:06:40]Don't bring Mom into this.

[00:06:45]Do you still sleep in that room?

[00:06:48]>> [snorts] >> Of course I do.

[00:06:51]But how?

[00:06:57]Girls, I'm sure glad you came, even though the circumstances are bad.

[00:07:01]Awfully happy that you came.

[00:07:05]Sorry. Well, what time is it anyway?

[00:07:08]I probably need to take my medicine. You know, cancer is a freaking [ __ ] >> [sighs] >> Remember when we were children, and he'd bring us those cookies from the cafeteria at his work? The big, soft, chewy kind that Mom said would make us fat?

[00:07:34]Yeah.

[00:07:35]I miss him making us happy.

[00:07:38]I miss being fat.

[00:07:48]>> It might be the greatest crime of man to withhold from our children the stark reality faced in adulthood.

[00:07:59]That there's an undefinable point in one's life when joy is replaced with survival.

[00:08:08]Until somewhere along the way you wake up every day with the same question.

[00:08:16]Why can't I get my [ __ ] right?

[00:08:28]>> [sighs] [snorts] >> Let's get out of here, Dinky.

[00:08:37]He's no good for us.

[00:09:12]I don't know if I can go in there.

[00:09:14]You can, and you will.

[00:09:21]>> [groaning] >> Uh Uh Uh >> What if he's faking?

[00:10:02]Nope.

[00:10:03]That is a door nail.

[00:10:16]I'm sorry.

[00:10:17]>> [sighs] >> I had a shitty dad, too.

[00:10:22]No need to be sorry.

[00:10:24]Today, the stars have aligned. [music] Dear [ __ ] [music] diary, I'm kicking ass.

[00:10:39]Turns out my clinical depression was curable and my sanity rectifiable.

[00:10:45]>> [music] >> I just needed some cold, hard cash.

[00:10:50]After the [ __ ] show that was seeing my dad, I paid off debts and invested in some hygiene. Also paid for some therapy [music] where I unpacked every god damn thing I had tucked away into my grimy subconscious.

[00:11:02]Then, >> [music] >> I turned these diary entries into a god damn memoir, which became a New York Times best seller, god damn [music] it.

[00:11:09]And Flossie is my book tour manager, a skill she's proven to be quite excellent at.

[00:11:15]Things really can turn around [music] and all it took was finding daddy.